THE DOG
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to
be making up some
time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll
just make up
time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land.
Of course, when
they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing
the speed of the
aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't
you just go as
fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here,
nail it. Give it
some gas! We're flying!
New scene. Jerry is on an airplane, seated beside a talkative
(and inebriated)
man.
GAVIN
Travelling, of course, is the best education.
Do you know last year I
was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone
to more but I had
just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now
I won't travel
without him.
JERRY
Is he on the plane now?
GAVIN
Oh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the
baggage compartment. I don't
know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better
behaved than
most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have
any pets?
JERRY
Uh, just my next door neighbor.
GAVIN
You're missing out on a relationship
that could enrich your life in ways
that you never could have thought possible.
JERRY
Howbout picking up their, you know.
You find that enriching?
Gavin leans back in his seat wearing a pained expression.
JERRY
What's the matter?
GAVIN
Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy.
Cut to external shot of the plane in flight, then back into the
cabin where
flight attendants are tending to Gavin, who is lying on the floor.
ATTENDANT #1
Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing
in Chicago and get you
to a hospital.
GAVIN
My dog. What about my dog?
ATTENDANT #1
Uh, you have a dog?
ATTENDANT #2
Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr.
Palone?
Jerry stares out the window.
GAVIN
Jerry?
JERRY
Huh? How you feeling?
GAVIN
Would you take care of Farfel?
JERRY
Farfel?
ATTENDANT #2
It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago
to get him to a hospital,
could you take his dog to New York?
JERRY
The dog? The dog??
GAVIN
I'm sure it's only for a day or two.
JERRY
But, you know, what if, you know?
GAVIN
Give me your address and phone number,
I'll call you.
JERRY
The dog?
New scene. Jerry's apartment, he's got all of his furniture up
and there's a
loud incessant barking coming from the bedroom. Jerry and Farfel
are playing
'tug of war' with one of Jerry's sneakers. Elaine is in the kitchen.
JERRY
Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that!
Gimme the sneaker you stupid
idiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do?
ELAINE
Well it's only been three days, I'm
sure he's gonna call.
JERRY
STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine)
Do you believe this?
Do you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal
in the house!
He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.
ELAINE
If only.
JERRY
Look at this place. He's going everywhere,
I can't go out of the house
at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first
night out of
the house since I got back.
ELAINE
Hey, when you walk him, do ya...
JERRY
Do I what?
ELAINE
Do you pick it up?
JERRY
Yes, I pick it up.
ELAINE
You pick it up?!?
JERRY
Well you have to.
ELAINE
Oh, boy would I love to see that.
JERRY
SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to
Elaine) I don't know what to
do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows
up?
ELAINE
Maybe you should call the airline, they
might know where he is.
JERRY
No, I tried. they don't know anything.
(notices Elaine making egg
creams) You gotta put the syrup in first.
ELAINE
No, milk.
JERRY
I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's
probably on a bender.
ELAINE
What is a bender anyhow?
JERRY
I don't know, they drink and they bend
things at the bar.
ELAINE
I can't believe he hasn't called.
JERRY
Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta
wind up next to Yukon Jack and his
dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight.
JERRY
Why?
ELAINE
We're going to the movies, we're gonna
see Prognosis Negative.
KRAMER
I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out
of my life.
JERRY
You're breaking up?
KRAMER
Oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better.
I can't wait to do it. You
know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going
to hurt their
feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get
it on video,
watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah.
ELAINE
Kramer, I don't know how you lasted
as long as you did.
KRAMER
Woah, you didn't like her?
ELAINE
If you could see her personality it
would be like one of the Elephant
Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone
gasps.
JERRY
I can't believe someone hasn't killed
her yet.
KRAMER
How come you never said anything?
JERRY
You can't tell someone how you feel
about their girlfriend until after
they stop seeing them.
KRAMER
I tell you.
JERRY
You. I'm talking about people.
ELAINE
Are we still going to the movies tonight?
JERRY
No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you
and George can go without me.
ELAINE
Just me and George?
JERRY
Sure.
ELAINE
But we need you.
JERRY
What do you need me for?
Jerry's buzzer buzzes.
ELAINE
Because... Yeah?
GEORGE
Prognosis Negative!
Elaine buzzes George into the building.
ELAINE
Because I relate to George through you,
we're like friends-in-law.
Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together.
Can't you just
put some newspapers down or something?
JERRY
No, I can't trust him, he gets insane.
I won't enjoy myself. That's
right, Farfel, I'm talking about you!
ELAINE
Just me and George alone?
George enters.
GEORGE
Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis
Negative time, wa ha ha
ha!!!
JERRY
I can't go.
GEORGE
Can't go, Why not?
JERRY
Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.
GEORGE
I thought Kramer was watching.
JERRY
He's breaking up with his girlfriend
tonight.
GEORGE
Well so what's the problem, you just
put some newspaper down.
JERRY
No, I don't want that smell in the house.
GEORGE
You spritz a little Lysol on it.
JERRY
No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine
forces into some kind of
strange mutant funk.
GEORGE
So we're not going?
JERRY
Nah. You two go.
GEORGE
Oh. You still wanna go?
ELAINE
Do you?
GEORGE
If you want.
ELAINE
It's up to you.
JERRY
Go ahead.
ELAINE
Well, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis
Negative with Jerry, uh,
you wanna see Ponce de Leon?
GEORGE
Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You
sure you don't wanna go?
JERRY
I want to but I can't.
ELAINE
Oh! I tell you what. How about if I
come back here first and I clean
everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not
satisfied we can
switch apartments for the night.
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
What about this--
JERRY
Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good
time.
ELAINE
I know, it's not that.
GEORGE
It's just we want you to go.
JERRY
Well, thank you very much. I'm telling
you, one more day stinkbreath!
On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see
them walking
along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest
function of
human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're
gonna think
the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's
making a
poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume
was in charge?
New scene.
George and Elaine are at the coffee shop after seeing Ponce De
Leon. They're
obviously uncomfortable alone together.
GEORGE
So how long did you live there?
ELAINE
About three years.
GEORGE
That's pretty long.
ELAINE
Hmm.
GEORGE
It's not that long, really.
ELAINE
Yeah. An uncomfortable silence ensues.
They both speak at the same
time, then stop. Another silence.
GEORGE
And then you came here.
ELAINE
Yeah. So I've been here about six years.
GEORGE
Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight,
eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup.
New scene.
Jerry vs. Farfel, part II
JERRY
Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!!
What do you want from
me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how
much?!
New scene.
Kramer is breaking up with his girlfriend.
KRAMER
I must have been out of my mind. Look
at you. Why don't you do
something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute
nothing to
society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone
like you?
Couldn't respect myself.
New scene.
Monk's, Elaine and George are as bored as before.
GEORGE
I like herbal tea.
Elaine yawns.
GEORGE
Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond
Pleasure.
ELAINE
Jerry likes Morning Thunder.
GEORGE
Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
Morning Thunder has caffeine in it,
Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.
ELAINE
Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has
caffeine in it.
GEORGE
You don't tell him?
ELAINE
No. And you should see him, man, he
gets all hyper, he
doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God,
I feel
great!"
GEORGE
You don't tell him?
ELAINE
No.
GEORGE
That is so funny!
ELAINE
I know!
GEORGE
Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?!
They both make the same convulsive gestures together and break
out in more
laughter.
New scene.
Kramer has had a change of heart.
KRAMER
Please! Please!! I take it all back,
everything! I take it all back,
every word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you,
I'll do
anything!
New scene.
Jerry's at his apartment, on the phone, Farfel is barking.
JERRY
That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are
you sure? He was released on
Monday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address?
Unbelievable.
Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it,
Farfel!
Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy
boy, you're
checking out!
New scene.
Jerry and Elaine are cleaning Jerry's apartment.
ELAINE
It was weird because George and I get
along so great in so many
situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.
JERRY
Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game.
Can't pass off.
ELAINE
The only time it wasn't uncomfortable
was when we were making fun of
you.
Jerry (answering phone) Hello? Aha! Boy George, about time. Beautiful,
how
soon? Okay, here's the plan. We take the dog to the pound, we
go right to the
movies. Right, you, me and Elaine. Yes, all three of us. I am
going. Okay,
see you in five minutes.
Jerry hangs up the phone and begins singing and dancing.
JERRY
Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going
to the dog pound, come on
down. (To Elaine) What?
ELAINE
Do you have to?
JERRY
What am I supposed to do? I don't want
to do it. I like dogs. I'm not
sure this is a dog.
ELAINE
You know, the guy might have just lost
your number.
JERRY
I'm in the book and I have a machine.
ELAINE
Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs
at the pound? They keep them
there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.
JERRY
Really? How late are they open?
Kramer enters.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
What is it?
KRAMER
I went back with Ellen.
JERRY AND ELAINE
Ohhhhh, that's great.
ELAINE
Terrific.
JERRY
Yeah, I really think you guys are good
together.
ELAINE
Yes, she understands you and she is
not demanding.
KRAMER
Do you think that I forgot what you
two said about her?
JERRY
I was just trying to be supportive,
you know. I knew you were upset.
KRAMER
From now on when we pass each other
in the hall, I don't know you, you
don't know me.
ELAINE
Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it.
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
I'm getting my pot.
Kramer grabs a put from under the counter and walks out.
ELAINE
Kramer, we like her.
JERRY
Kramer? What did we say that's so bad?
ELAINE
I believe I referred to her personality
as a potential science exhibit.
JERRY
I said, "How come no one's killed her?"
Probably shouldn't have said
anything, everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers
buzzer)
Yeah?
GEORGE
Prognosis Negative!
Farfel begins barking.
JERRY
Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on.
ELAINE
Jerry, can't you just give it one more
day, it's not his fault.
JERRY
It's not my dog, I don't know where
this boozehound is.
ELAINE
Alright, I tell you what. How about
if you and George go to the
movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight.
JERRY
I can't let you do that, what about
Prognosis Negative?
ELAINE
We'll see it Sunday.
George enters.
GEORGE
Tonight's the night, right? Prognosis
Negative?
ELAINE
I'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog.
GEORGE
What does this mean?
JERRY
Well, we'll go see something else tonight.
We'll see, uh, Ponce De
Leon.
GEORGE
What is with this dog, I thought we
were taking it to the pound.
JERRY
She talked me into one more day. Talk
amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go
to the bathroom.
GEORGE
Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there?
JERRY
I don't know, regular human time?
GEORGE
Uh why don't you wait then go in the
movies?
JERRY
Why shouldn't I go here?
ELAINE
Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's
good to get there and make sure
you get your seats and then go to the bathroom.
GEORGE
And isn't it more fun using the urinal?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!
GEORGE
Hey, go.
ELAINE
Who's stopping you?
GEORGE
What, are you doing me a favor?
ELAINE
Like we care if you go to the bathroom.
Elaine and George, left alone together are obviously uncomfortable.
GEORGE
How's it going?
ELAINE
Good. Good. You?
GEORGE
Things are good.
After a pause, George starts whistling, then picks a chew toy
off the floor and
squeezes it towards Elaine, making a squeaking sound.
ELAINE
Boy, he takes such a long time.
GEORGE
I know.
ELAINE
You know what he does in there? He gargles.
GEORGE
Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes
so long?
ELAINE
Yeah, he does it like six times a day.
GEORGE
How come we never hear him?
ELAINE
Because he does it quiet. He does it
quiet. Lookit, Just like this,
watch.
Elaine gargles some water and they both break out in laughter.
GEORGE
Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw
up?!
ELAINE
We talked about that already.
GEORGE
Oh.
New scene.
Jerry and George are in line outside the Cine 66 theater.
GEORGE
I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm
so uninteresting. I think I'm
out of conversation.
JERRY
So what are calling me six times a day?
GEORGE
All I know about is sports. That's it.
No matter how depressed I get,
I could always read the sports section.
JERRY
I could read the sports section if my
hair was on fire.
GEORGE
Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out.
JERRY
It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else
is playing?
GEORGE
Nothing except Prognosis Negative.
JERRY
Boy, I know she really wants to see
that with me.
New scene.
Elaine and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with a jacket.
ELAINE
Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not
Seinfeld you're dealing with!
When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound!
The phone rings, Farfel begins barking.
ELAINE
Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello?
No, who's calling? Oh my
god, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better
pick up your
dog tonight or he has humped his last leg.
Cut back to Jerry and George.
GEORGE
I mean, I could understand if there
was something else playing, but
it's this or nothing.
JERRY
I don't know what to do.
GEORGE
What is this 'saving movies' thing?
Something's playing, you go.
JERRY
I know, I know.
GEORGE
So, what? We're gonna do nothing now,
this is crazy.
JERRY
It is kind of silly.
GEORGE
Of course it is.
JERRY
I mean, it's just a movie, for god's
sake.
GEORGE
Exactly.
JERRY
It's not like she's *in* the movie.
GEORGE
Right.
JERRY
Am I supposed to ruin the whole night
because she wants to see it? I
mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control
all these
circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies.
GEORGE
And she'll still see it, you're not
stopping her from seeing it.
JERRY
How does sitting next to a person in
a movie theater increase the level
of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is
stupid, c'mon,
let's just go.
GEORGE
Good.
JERRY
Saving movies.
GEORGE
Ridiculous!
JERRY
Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in trouble.
GEORGE
Oh, you're dead.
New scene. Jerry's apartment, Gavin has come to collect his dog.
Farfel is
barking as loud as ever.
GAVIN
Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my,
of, of my face was paralyzed.
Farfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself,
I was completely
incapacitated. Quiet Farfel!
JERRY
You know it's interesting, because I
called the hospital and they said
you were released on Monday.
GAVIN
Yes, yes, that's true, but then I was
taken to the Bell's Palsy Center
in, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first rate facility, top
notch physicians.
KRAMER
Hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me!
GAVIN
He won't hurt you, he's just playing.
KRAMER
Hey you keep that mutt away from me.
GAVIN
Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more
pure than yours.
ELLEN
Kramer, are you coming?
JERRY
Oh, hi Ellen.
ELLEN
Get in here.
Kramer sulks off.
JERRY
Listen, it's really been a pleasure
taking care of your dog for a week,
but if you don't mind...
GAVIN
Pre-prediction. You'll be calling me
to ask if you can come and visit
him before the month is out.
JERRY
Prediction. I never see you or him again
for the rest of my life.
Farfel barks very loudly and pulls Gavin into the hallway and
out of Jerry's
apartment.
New scene.
Jerry and Elaine at in Jerry's apartment.
ELAINE
We made plans.
JERRY
Why don't we just rent a movie?
ELAINE
I thought you wanted to see Prognosis
Negative.
JERRY
No, it's supposed to be really bad,
*really* bad. I mean it's long,
there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard.
ELAINE
Jerry, you promised me we'd go.
JERRY
Well, George told me the whole story,
line for line, I mean I almost
feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it.
ELAINE
Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him
yesterday, he didn't mention it.
JERRY
You and George got together?
ELAINE
Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we
have nothing to talk about.
Kramer enters.
JERRY
Hello.
Kramer, Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
JERRY
What's up?
KRAMER
Well, you were right.
JERRY
About what?
KRAMER
Ellen. We, uh, broke up again.
JERRY
Too bad.
ELAINE
I thought she was the one.
KRAMER
I'll bring back the pot.
ELAINE
Okay, c'mon it's movie time.
KRAMER
Hey, what are you gonna see?
JERRY
Prognosis Negative.
KRAMER
Hey, that's supposed to be great.
JERRY
It's not.
KRAMER
How do you know?
JERRY
I have an instinct for these things.
(Comedy club)
I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that
I really enjoyed.
We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and
my mother had
built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt
this gives you
a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design
principle that a
mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What
kind of a jerk
walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother
room in there.
There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet
will fall for
this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room,
BANG! With his
little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think,
even if he
thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try
to avoid hitting the other parakeet?
THE END
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