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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE DOG



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to 
               be making up some
 
               time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll 
               just make up
 
               time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. 
               Of course, when
 
               they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing 
               the speed of the
 
               aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't 
               you just go as
 
               fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, 
               nail it. Give it
 
               some gas! We're flying!

               
               New scene. Jerry is on an airplane, seated beside a talkative 
               (and inebriated)
 
               man.

               
                             GAVIN
               Travelling, of course, is the best education. 
               Do you know last year I
 
               was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone 
               to more but I had
 
               just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now 
               I won't travel
 
               without him.

               
                             JERRY
               Is he on the plane now?

               
                             GAVIN
               Oh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the 
               baggage compartment. I don't
 
               know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better 
               behaved than
 
               most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have 
               any pets?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, just my next door neighbor.

               
                             GAVIN
               You're missing out on a relationship 
               that could enrich your life in ways
 
               
               that you never could have thought possible.

               
                             JERRY
               Howbout picking up their, you know. 
               You find that enriching?
 
               
               Gavin leans back in his seat wearing a pained expression.

               
                             JERRY
               What's the matter?

               
                             GAVIN
               Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy.

               
               Cut to external shot of the plane in flight, then back into the 
               cabin where
 
               flight attendants are tending to Gavin, who is lying on the floor.
 
               
               
                             ATTENDANT #1
               Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing 
               in Chicago and get you
 
               to a hospital.

               
                             GAVIN
               My dog. What about my dog?

               
                             ATTENDANT #1
               Uh, you have a dog?

               
                             ATTENDANT #2
               Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. 
               Palone?
 
               
               Jerry stares out the window.

               
                             GAVIN
               Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Huh? How you feeling?

               
                             GAVIN
               Would you take care of Farfel?

               
                             JERRY
               Farfel?

               
                             ATTENDANT #2
               It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago 
               to get him to a hospital,
 
               could you take his dog to New York?

               
                             JERRY
               The dog? The dog??

               
                             GAVIN
               I'm sure it's only for a day or two.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               But, you know, what if, you know?

               
                             GAVIN
               Give me your address and phone number, 
               I'll call you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               The dog?

               
               New scene. Jerry's apartment, he's got all of his furniture up 
               and there's a
 
               loud incessant barking coming from the bedroom. Jerry and Farfel 
               are playing
 
               'tug of war' with one of Jerry's sneakers. Elaine is in the kitchen.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! 
               Gimme the sneaker you stupid
 
               idiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well it's only been three days, I'm 
               sure he's gonna call.
 
               
                             JERRY
               STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine) 
               Do you believe this?
 
               Do you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal 
               in the house!
 
               He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.

               
                             ELAINE
               If only.

               
                             JERRY
               Look at this place. He's going everywhere, 
               I can't go out of the house
 
               at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first 
               night out of
 
               the house since I got back.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, when you walk him, do ya...

               
                             JERRY
               Do I what?

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you pick it up?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I pick it up.

               
                             ELAINE
               You pick it up?!?

               
                             JERRY
               Well you have to.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, boy would I love to see that.

               
                             JERRY
               SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to 
               Elaine) I don't know what to
 
               do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows 
               up?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe you should call the airline, they 
               might know where he is.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I tried. they don't know anything. 
               (notices Elaine making egg
 
               creams) You gotta put the syrup in first.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, milk.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's 
               probably on a bender.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What is a bender anyhow?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, they drink and they bend 
               things at the bar.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe he hasn't called.

               
                             JERRY
               Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta 
               wind up next to Yukon Jack and his
 
               
               dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               We're going to the movies, we're gonna 
               see Prognosis Negative.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out 
               of my life.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're breaking up?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better. 
               I can't wait to do it. You
 
               know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going 
               to hurt their
 
               feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get 
               it on video,
 
               watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, I don't know how you lasted 
               as long as you did.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Woah, you didn't like her?

               
                             ELAINE
               If you could see her personality it 
               would be like one of the Elephant
 
               
               Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone 
               gasps.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe someone hasn't killed 
               her yet.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               How come you never said anything?

               
                             JERRY
               You can't tell someone how you feel 
               about their girlfriend until after
 
               
               they stop seeing them.

               
                             KRAMER
               I tell you.

               
                             JERRY
               You. I'm talking about people.

               
                             ELAINE
               Are we still going to the movies tonight?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you 
               and George can go without me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Just me and George?

               
                             JERRY
               Sure.

               
                             ELAINE
               But we need you.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you need me for?

               
               Jerry's buzzer buzzes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Because... Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               Prognosis Negative!

               
               Elaine buzzes George into the building.

               
                             ELAINE
               Because I relate to George through you, 
               we're like friends-in-law.
 
               Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. 
               Can't you just
 
               put some newspapers down or something?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I can't trust him, he gets insane. 
               I won't enjoy myself. That's
 
               right, Farfel, I'm talking about you!

               
                             ELAINE
               Just me and George alone?

               
               George enters.

               
                             GEORGE
               Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis 
               Negative time, wa ha ha
 
               ha!!!

               
                             JERRY
               I can't go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Can't go, Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I thought Kramer was watching.

               
                             JERRY
               He's breaking up with his girlfriend 
               tonight.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well so what's the problem, you just 
               put some newspaper down.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't want that smell in the house.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You spritz a little Lysol on it.

               
                             JERRY
               No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine 
               forces into some kind of
 
               strange mutant funk.

               
                             GEORGE
               So we're not going?

               
                             JERRY
               Nah. You two go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh. You still wanna go?

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you?

               
                             GEORGE
               If you want.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's up to you.

               
                             JERRY
               Go ahead.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis 
               Negative with Jerry, uh,
 
               you wanna see Ponce de Leon?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You 
               sure you don't wanna go?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I want to but I can't.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! I tell you what. How about if I 
               come back here first and I clean
 
               everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not 
               satisfied we can
 
               switch apartments for the night.

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about this--

               
                             JERRY
               Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good 
               time.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I know, it's not that.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's just we want you to go.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, thank you very much. I'm telling 
               you, one more day stinkbreath!
 
               
               On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see 
               them walking
 
               along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest 
               function of
 
               human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're 
               gonna think
 
               the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's 
               making a
 
               poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume 
               was in charge?
 
               
               New scene.

               George and Elaine are at the coffee shop after seeing Ponce De 
               Leon. They're
 
               obviously uncomfortable alone together.

               
                             GEORGE
               So how long did you live there?

               
                             ELAINE
               About three years.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's pretty long.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's not that long, really.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. An uncomfortable silence ensues. 
               They both speak at the same
 
               time, then stop. Another silence.

               
                             GEORGE
               And then you came here.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. So I've been here about six years.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight,
 
               
               eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup.

               
               New scene.

               Jerry vs. Farfel, part II

               
                             JERRY
               Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!! 
               What do you want from
 
               me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how 
               much?!
 
               
               New scene.

               Kramer is breaking up with his girlfriend.

               
                             KRAMER
               I must have been out of my mind. Look 
               at you. Why don't you do
 
               something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute 
               nothing to
 
               society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone 
               like you?
 
               Couldn't respect myself.

               
               
               
               New scene.

               Monk's, Elaine and George are as bored as before.

               
                             GEORGE
               I like herbal tea.

               
               Elaine yawns.

               
                             GEORGE
               Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond 
               Pleasure.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry likes Morning Thunder.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, 
               Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has 
               caffeine in it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You don't tell him?

               
                             ELAINE
               No. And you should see him, man, he 
               gets all hyper, he
 
               doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God, 
               I feel
 
               great!"

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't tell him?

               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               That is so funny!

               
                             ELAINE
               I know!

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?!
 
               
               
               They both make the same convulsive gestures together and break 
               out in more
 
               laughter.

               
               New scene.

               Kramer has had a change of heart.

               
                             KRAMER
               Please! Please!! I take it all back, 
               everything! I take it all back,
 
               every word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you, 
               I'll do
 
               anything!

               
               New scene.

               Jerry's at his apartment, on the phone, Farfel is barking.

               
                             JERRY
               That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are 
               you sure? He was released on
 
               Monday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? 
               Unbelievable.
 
               Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it, 
               Farfel!
 
               Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy 
               boy, you're
 
               checking out!

               
               New scene.

               Jerry and Elaine are cleaning Jerry's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               It was weird because George and I get 
               along so great in so many
 
               situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. 
               Can't pass off.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               The only time it wasn't uncomfortable 
               was when we were making fun of
 
               you.

               
               Jerry (answering phone) Hello? Aha! Boy George, about time. Beautiful, 
               how
 
               soon? Okay, here's the plan. We take the dog to the pound, we 
               go right to the
 
               movies. Right, you, me and Elaine. Yes, all three of us. I am 
               going. Okay,
 
               see you in five minutes.

               
               Jerry hangs up the phone and begins singing and dancing.

               
                             JERRY
               Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going 
               to the dog pound, come on
 
               down. (To Elaine) What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you have to?

               
                             JERRY
               What am I supposed to do? I don't want 
               to do it. I like dogs. I'm not
 
               sure this is a dog.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, the guy might have just lost 
               your number.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm in the book and I have a machine.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs 
               at the pound? They keep them
 
               there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really? How late are they open?

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               What is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               I went back with Ellen.

               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               Ohhhhh, that's great.

               
                             ELAINE
               Terrific.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I really think you guys are good 
               together.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, she understands you and she is 
               not demanding.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Do you think that I forgot what you 
               two said about her?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I was just trying to be supportive, 
               you know. I knew you were upset.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               From now on when we pass each other 
               in the hall, I don't know you, you
 
               
               don't know me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm getting my pot.

               
               Kramer grabs a put from under the counter and walks out.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, we like her.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer? What did we say that's so bad?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I believe I referred to her personality 
               as a potential science exhibit.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I said, "How come no one's killed her?" 
               Probably shouldn't have said
 
               anything, everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers 
               buzzer)
 
               Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               Prognosis Negative!

               
               Farfel begins barking.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, can't you just give it one more 
               day, it's not his fault.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's not my dog, I don't know where 
               this boozehound is.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, I tell you what. How about 
               if you and George go to the
 
               movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't let you do that, what about 
               Prognosis Negative?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               We'll see it Sunday.

               
               George enters.

               
                             GEORGE
               Tonight's the night, right? Prognosis 
               Negative?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What does this mean?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, we'll go see something else tonight. 
               We'll see, uh, Ponce De
 
               Leon.

               
                             GEORGE
               What is with this dog, I thought we 
               were taking it to the pound.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She talked me into one more day. Talk 
               amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go
 
               to the bathroom.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, regular human time?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh why don't you wait then go in the 
               movies?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why shouldn't I go here?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's 
               good to get there and make sure
 
               you get your seats and then go to the bathroom.

               
                             GEORGE
               And isn't it more fun using the urinal?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Who's stopping you?

               
                             GEORGE
               What, are you doing me a favor?

               
                             ELAINE
               Like we care if you go to the bathroom.
 
               
               
               Elaine and George, left alone together are obviously uncomfortable.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How's it going?

               
                             ELAINE
               Good. Good. You?

               
                             GEORGE
               Things are good.

               
               After a pause, George starts whistling, then picks a chew toy 
               off the floor and
 
               squeezes it towards Elaine, making a squeaking sound.

               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, he takes such a long time.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know what he does in there? He gargles.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes 
               so long?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, he does it like six times a day.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How come we never hear him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because he does it quiet. He does it 
               quiet. Lookit, Just like this,
 
               watch.

               
               Elaine gargles some water and they both break out in laughter.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw 
               up?!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               We talked about that already.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh.

               
               New scene.

               Jerry and George are in line outside the Cine 66 theater.

               
                             GEORGE
               I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm 
               so uninteresting. I think I'm
 
               out of conversation.

               
                             JERRY
               So what are calling me six times a day?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All I know about is sports. That's it. 
               No matter how depressed I get,
 
               I could always read the sports section.

               
                             JERRY
               I could read the sports section if my 
               hair was on fire.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else 
               is playing?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing except Prognosis Negative.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, I know she really wants to see 
               that with me.
 
               
               New scene.

               Elaine and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with a jacket.

               
                             ELAINE
               Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not 
               Seinfeld you're dealing with!
 
               When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound!
 
               
               
               The phone rings, Farfel begins barking.

               
                             ELAINE
               Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello? 
               No, who's calling? Oh my
 
               god, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better 
               pick up your
 
               dog tonight or he has humped his last leg.

               
               Cut back to Jerry and George.

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean, I could understand if there 
               was something else playing, but
 
               it's this or nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know what to do.

               
                             GEORGE
               What is this 'saving movies' thing? 
               Something's playing, you go.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know, I know.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, 
               this is crazy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It is kind of silly.

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course it is.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, it's just a movie, for god's 
               sake.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Exactly.

               
                             JERRY
               It's not like she's *in* the movie.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Right.

               
                             JERRY
               Am I supposed to ruin the whole night 
               because she wants to see it? I
 
               mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control 
               all these
 
               circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               And she'll still see it, you're not 
               stopping her from seeing it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How does sitting next to a person in 
               a movie theater increase the level
 
               
               of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is 
               stupid, c'mon,
 
               let's just go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Good.

               
                             JERRY
               Saving movies.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ridiculous!

               
                             JERRY
               Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in trouble.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, you're dead.

               
               New scene. Jerry's apartment, Gavin has come to collect his dog. 
               Farfel is
 
               barking as loud as ever.

               
                             GAVIN
               Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, 
               of, of my face was paralyzed.
 
               Farfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself, 
               I was completely
 
               incapacitated. Quiet Farfel!

               
                             JERRY
               You know it's interesting, because I 
               called the hospital and they said
 
               
               you were released on Monday.

               
                             GAVIN
               Yes, yes, that's true, but then I was 
               taken to the Bell's Palsy Center
 
               in, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first rate facility, top 
               notch physicians.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me!

               
                             GAVIN
               He won't hurt you, he's just playing.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey you keep that mutt away from me.
 
               
               
                             GAVIN
               Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more 
               pure than yours.
 
               
                             ELLEN
               Kramer, are you coming?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi Ellen.

               
                             ELLEN
               Get in here.

               
               Kramer sulks off.

               
                             JERRY
               Listen, it's really been a pleasure 
               taking care of your dog for a week,
 
               
               but if you don't mind...

               
                             GAVIN
               Pre-prediction. You'll be calling me 
               to ask if you can come and visit
 
               him before the month is out.

               
                             JERRY
               Prediction. I never see you or him again 
               for the rest of my life.
 
               
               Farfel barks very loudly and pulls Gavin into the hallway and 
               out of Jerry's
 
               apartment.

               
               New scene.

               Jerry and Elaine at in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               We made plans.

               
                             JERRY
               Why don't we just rent a movie?

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought you wanted to see Prognosis 
               Negative.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, it's supposed to be really bad, 
               *really* bad. I mean it's long,
 
               there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, you promised me we'd go.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, George told me the whole story, 
               line for line, I mean I almost
 
               feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him 
               yesterday, he didn't mention it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You and George got together?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we 
               have nothing to talk about.
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
               Kramer, Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

               
                             JERRY
               What's up?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you were right.

               
                             JERRY
               About what?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ellen. We, uh, broke up again.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Too bad.

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought she was the one.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll bring back the pot.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, c'mon it's movie time.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, what are you gonna see?

               
                             JERRY
               Prognosis Negative.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, that's supposed to be great.

               
                             JERRY
               It's not.

               
                             KRAMER
               How do you know?

               
                             JERRY
               I have an instinct for these things.
 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that 
               I really enjoyed.
 
               We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and 
               my mother had
 
               built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt 
               this gives you
 
               a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design 
               principle that a
 
               mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What 
               kind of a jerk
 
               walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother 
               room in there.
 
               There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet 
               will fall for
 
               this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, 
               BANG! With his
 
               little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, 
               even if he
 
               thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try 
               to avoid hitting the other parakeet?

               
               
                              THE END



The Dog



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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