Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Jerry is just now getting done with his act)
Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage,
sighing deeply. Instantly, a red-headed
woman runs up and hugs him - taking
Jerry by surprise)
(Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey!
(Reminding him who she is) Sally Weaver!
(Sees Jerry's expression - he still
has no clue who she is) Susan Ross'
roommate from college.. hello! (Laughs
Right.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you
saw the show?
Saw it? I loved it! And thank you for
the free tickets. You are so funny.
(Modest) Oh, thanks.
(Serious) No, no, I mean it. You're
(Blunt) I believe you.
Oh, anyway, let me show you Memphis.
I am taking you (Points to him) out
(Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I
can't - I'm going straight to the airport.
Ohh.. that's too bad.. Susan thought
we'd really get along - I guess because
we're both wacko! (Jerry laughs) You
know what, um.. (Turns around, picking
up a large gift from a table) You have
to give this to them for me. Okay? Here.
(Hands the box to Jerry, he struggles
under the size of it) It's a wedding
And Jerry? Be careful with it, okay?
Be very careful.
(The Coffee shop)
(George and his father, Frank, are sitting at a booth)
George, as you may be aware, your mother
and I are not moving to Del Boca Vista,
(Resenting the fact. Nodding) I am aware.
So, I was wondering, would it be okay
if I turned your room into a billiard
A billiard parlor?
Regulation table, the hi-fi, maybe even
a bar.. Give it real authenticity..
(Elaine enters. George spots her in mid-sentence)
Well, that's.. Elaine!
Oh, hi, Frank.
(Sliding over to make room for her)
Sit down. Join us, please.
(Trying to come up with an excuse not
to sit with them) Actually, I gotta
get to the.. uh.. thing.
(Somewhat stern) Oh, the thing's cancelled.
(Giving up) Okay.. (Sits, George laughs)
So.. (Trying to think up something to
talk about) Frank, did George ever show
you that photo?
(Confused) What photo?
You know, the photo I took in Tuscany
of the little man in front of the sign
that said "Costanza"?
(Interested) There's a Costanza in Tuscany?
(Elaine nods) Did he look like me? Did
you talk to him?
I didn't talk to anyone - I was just
walking by, and I saw the sign, and
I thought George might get a kick out
I gotta get that picture - it could
be my cousin, Carlo.
Who is that?
(Muttering out, not really wanting to
talk about his family) When the Costanzas
came here, one brother stayed behind.
I played with him every day until the
age of four - and then we separated.
So, you weren't born here?
No. That's why I can never be president..
It always irked me. That's why, even
at an early age, I had no interest in
politics. I refuse to vote. (Yelling
out) They don't want me, I don't want
I don't know what you're getting all
riled up about. There are probably a
(Cutting him off) Don't bring me down.
(To Elaine) Do you have another copy
of that photo?
No, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro
The Maestro? What Maestro?
He's this guy that I went to Tuscany
with. He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't
feel comfortable calling him.
(Explaining) Because he hasn't called
me since we got back.. I spilled wine
on his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite
Italian opera stars.
You know the Three Tenors?
Yeah.. (Trying to remember) Poverotti..
Domingo.. and.. uh.. the other guy.
(Nodding) The other guy.
(Jerry's flying to NY. On his lap is Sally's present and his
personal bag. He's trying to read a magazine while a stewardess
(Overly nice) Could I take that box
Uh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed
to be careful with it.
Oh, then, I'll have to put your bag
in the over-head.
(The stewardess takes the bag, and crams it into the over-head
compartment. The sound of glass breaking can be heard)
There we go.
(Jerry gives a face of pure dissatisfaction)
(Kramer enters while Jerry's unpacking. The clothes in his suitcase
are covered in bar-b-que sauce)
Ohh.. look at this..
I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis.
I think the stewardess broke it when
she tried to jam it into the overhead
compartment because of this (Gestures
to Sally's present) stupid thing.
Well, don't press the panic button.
I'm sure that we can still salvage some
I don't care about the sauce. It came
in this funny little bottle, and there
was a guy on the label that looked exactly
like Charles Grodin.
(Taking some of Jerry's clothing over
to the kitchen) I see..
No, you don't see - because I'm going
on the show this week, and this was
going to be my bit on the show.
Well, why don't you do your material?
(Looking up, sighs) Well, you better
get to work.
(Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip.
Hey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the
gift) It's from.. uh, Susan's roommate,
Oh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally
called Susan - said you guys really
hit it off.
(Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit
anything off. She just gave me the box.
(Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping
the BBQ sauce off Jerry's clothes with
a knife, then dipping some bread into
it) What the hell are you doing?
(Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce.
What's the matter with you? (Eats the
(George is still opening the gift - flinging Styrofoam peanuts
all over the table)
(Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come
(Moving out into the living room) Jerry,
why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?
Well, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's
act) "What is this stuff? Why do we
need this stuff?.. And why do they make
it so small..?"
(Confused) Where's the punchline?
It's all attitude.. (Makes a humorous
face - mocking Jerry's)
(Taking out a mat from the huge box)
Well, this is certainly a crappy gift..
A door mat? That's what she had me lug
up from Memphis?!
Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the
money she makes.. She's a big executive
for Federal Express.
Federal Express?! Is she out of her
mind? Why didn't she just ship it?!
Look, it's personalized. (Holds it up,
reading) "The Costanzas"
No, no. Forget it. I don't want it.
Let's just get rid of it.
Well, maybe your father would be interested
I doubt it. You know what he's doing
now? He's putting a pool table in my
(Interested) Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll
go out there and knock a few balls around
with him. You know, show him a thing
(George's old bedroom)
(The room is remodeled into a billiard room. The pool table is
obviously way too big for the room. Frank and Kramer are chalking
up their sticks)
So, what's your game? What do you like
No, nothing doing. Let's, you and me,
play a game of straight pool.. hmm?
You like to gamble, Cosmo?
Yeah, now and then - you know how it
Five dollars a game, huh?
(Kramer goes to pull back his pool stick, but it is stopped short
by the wall. Scene cuts to a montage with multiple scenes involving
humorous accounts of their trying to play in such a tiny room)
(George and Susan's apartment)
(Susan has boxes in the living room, and is setting up some of
her items around the apartment)
What's all this?
Oh, I'm just moving in some more of
(Muttering to himself as he walks to
the bedroom) More stuff..
(Calling out) Oh, I put up my doll collection..
(George walks into his room, and stops in his tracks. Up on the
shelves, is a doll that looks exactly like George's mother)
Oh my God! What is that?!
(Rushing in) What? What is it?
(Staring at the doll) This doll (Pointing)
looks like my mother.
George, it's a doll.
I know it's a doll, but it looks like
(Going back to the living room) Oh,
get outta here..
(George's old bedroom)
(Kramer, holding the pool stick at an awkward angle, is about
to hit the ball when Estelle enters)
What's going on in here? (Kramer hits
the cue ball, it jumps up from the table
and flies off screen) Are you two still
playing?! You've been up here three
We still haven't finished the first
The first game?!
(Explaining why they are doing so bad)
Well, we're still, uh, learning the
subtleties of the table.
(To Estelle) he knows the Maestro. He
could have the picture..
Oh, forget about it. It's not your cousin.
(Yelling out) You don't know that! (Estelle
leaves, slamming the door) We're gonna
go see him, huh?
(Judging up his next move) As soon as
the game is over..
(Sensing the game is going to last a
long time) Oh boy.
Eleven, corner pocket. (Pulls back on
his stick, accidentally crashing it
into the window)
(George and Susan's bedroom)
(George and Susan are in bed. They go to kiss, but George stops
when he sees the doll laying right next to Susan)
What is this thing doing here?
Oh, I used to love to sleep with my
dolls when I was a little girl..
(Susan leans in to kiss, but George stops her again)
Uh, I'm sorry, I can't do this..
I feel like I'm in bed with my mother.
Oh, stop it.
(They kiss. While kissing, George tightly stuffs the doll under
Susan's pillow -- out of sight)
(Jerry enters the living room from his bathroom with his toothbrush.
Elaine is reading the paper at his table)
Hey, Elaine, you have got to buy this
new electric toothbrush I just got -
(Just making conversation) Oh yeah?
Oh, it's unbelievable. Every time you
use it you feel like you just came from
(Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite.
Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You
want to come see me on the Charles Grodin
Who else is on the show?
Uh.. one of the three tenors.
(Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands
up) Which one?!
Uh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo..
(Extremely excited) The other guy?!
(Nodding) Yeah, the other guy.
(Screams out in joy) My God! I can't
believe the other guy's going to be
on the show!
Because I ruined this autographed picture
of him that belonged to the Maestro.
You think I can go and get his autograph?
(Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy!
(George enters. He's in a disheveled state)
Hey, you look awful.
(Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep,
Problem in the bedroom?
(Muttering) Susan has the doll collection..
one of the dolls looks exactly like
my mother.. she likes to sleep with
(Elaine makes a face)
Wow. You were in bed with your mother
(Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell
you, this doll is pretty spooky. (Takes
off his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's
freakin' me out man. And now I got to
go back out there and pick up this doormat.
I thought you didn't want the doormat.
I don't. Susan wants to have it out
when Sally comes tomorrow.
Sally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a
minute - She's coming to New York?
Yeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be
Excited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew
she was coming here and she made me
carry that box?!
Susan's college roommate.
It's because of her that bottle got
broke that I was going to give to Charles
Grodin on his show.
So call her up and tell her to bring
you another one. She'll be delighted
to talk to you.
(While opening a cereal box) I will
- don't worry. (Plotting revenge) In
fact, I'll have her bring up a whole
case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy.
Let's see if she likes sitting on a
plane with a big box on her lap!
That's sounds pretty juvenile.
(Pulling out the toy from the cereal
box - he displays even more immaturity
by holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur!
(The Maestro's Office)
(Kramer and Frank are in a meeting with the Maestro)
His name was Carlo Costanza. We played
together everyday until I was four.
If I could just look through your photographs,
maybe I could recognize him.
Unfortunately those photographs are
Well, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe
we could interest you in a game of pool..
Yeah, Frank here - he's got his own
(Trying to concentrate) Yes, It's, uh,
it's.. uh, uh.. What do you call it,
A billiard room.
No, not billiard.. (Scolding) Not billiards..
it was.. Come on, already. Come on..
We call it.. the, uh..
(Snaps) The Place To Be!
The place to be! Yes! It's the place
(Agreeing to a game) Ah, then I shall
be there. And now, Gentlemen, (Making
dramatic actions) if you will excuse
me - I must prepare for the symphony.
(The Maestro gets up. Realizing that he isn't wearing pants,
Kramer and Frank stare in bewilderment)
(Noticing the expressions) Ohh, my pants.
(Begins putting on a near-by pair of
pants) It's an old conductor's trick
I learned from Leonard Bernstein.
You keep a perfect crease by not sitting
in them before the performance.
(Kramer and Frank are obviously impressed)
That's good thinking.
(George, presenting the doll to Jerry, has his arms out in a
'tada' gesture. Jerry has on a disgusted face)
You see?.. You see?!
Well, it doesn't look exactly like her.
Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking,
this is exactly what she's gonna look
like in ten years!
Why don't you just get rid of it?
I tried! I almost threw it down the
incinerator, but I couldn't do it. The
guilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the
doll, opening the door to leave) Susan's
so attached to this thing.
Wait, where are you going? Don't take
your dolly and go home.
(George shoots him a look, then leaves. He is audible as he meets
up with Elaine in the hallway)
(Elaine shrieks out in fright, then enters Jerry's doorway -
Did you see that?!
I'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine
exhales deeply - getting over the scare
of the doll. She moves into the apartment)
What's that? (Pointing to a rolled up
poster Elaine is carrying)
Oh, it's a poster of the three tenors.
Oh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers
(Through the intercom) It's Sally.
Oh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce?
A whole case.
(Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine)
So, did you buy that electric toothbrush
I was telling you about?
(Blunt, to the point) No.
How come? I told you - It's fantastic.
Eh, I like mine.
I've had yours, I'm telling you - this
one is ten times better. Don't you believe
I don't want it.
(Slightly confused by her behavior)
I don't understand this. Why wouldn't
you want to get something that's better
if I'm telling you it's better? And
it's not a little better - it's much
(Not committing to the conversation)
It doesn't matter to me.
(A knock on the door)
(Sally enters with a medium-sized box)
(Peppy) Well, here I am!
Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally.
How was your flight? (Wishful thinking)
(Setting the box down on his table)
Actually, the seat next to me was empty,
so, there was no problem at all.
(Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the
box) Oh, wait.. (Holding up one of the
BBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that
I asked for!
That's right. It's a special gourmet
sauce. "The Pride of Memphis!"
(Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one
in the little bottle with that guy on
it that looks like Charles Grodin!
This is much better. And frankly, in
Memphis, we think that other sauce as
(Whispering) kind of a joke.
I know it's a joke. It's supposed to
be a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles
Grodin Show with nothing. (Sets the
jar down angrily) Nothing!
You could just do your material.
(Peeved) I don't have any material!
(Yelling out) He's got nothin'!
(The Coffee Shop)
(George is sitting at the table - opposite the doll. While he
eats his meal, he can hear his mother yelling at him via the
Georgie! Don't eat with your hands!
(George starts eating faster) Why do
you eat so fast?! You can't even taste
(Losing it) Don't tell me how to eat!
(People from near-by tables turn and look at him)
You're wearing that shirt? You've had
it for five years already! Why don't
you get a new shirt?!
(Trying to keep it down) Because I like
this one! (Notices people staring at
him, he quickly gets up, collecting
the his coat and the tiny replica) C'mon,
let's go. Let's go! (On his way out,
he stops in front of a woman blocking
his path) Oh, hi.. (Embarrassed about
the doll, he sheepishly walks out)
(To Ruthie, the cashier) That man should
really be in a sanitarium. (Ruthie nods,
(George's old bedroom)
(The Maestro, Kramer, and Frank are all pant-less and playing
pool while listening to classical music. Frank is looking at
the Maestro's pictures with a magnifying glass)
Now this is remarkable. I'm lounging,
and yet, my pants remain perfectly creased.
It's him! (Standing up) It's Carlo Costanza!
Come on. Are you sure?
(They all crowd around the picture)
I'd know him anywhere.
I've seen that man in Tuscany. Eccentric
fellow. Reputation of being kind of
a village idiot.
I still say we're related.
(Recognizing the currently playing song)
Ohh, I love this piece. (Turns it up,
then pantomimes that he is conducting
Alright, come on Frank. It's your shot.
(Complaining) I can't make anything..
(Like a professional) Well, that's because
you don't know how to follow through
Follow through? What do you mean?
Right here, come on, I'll show you..
(Gets behind Frank, holding the pool
stick with him) Take hold of your stick..
alright, bring it back slowly..
(Estelle walks in with a tray of beverages and popcorn. Kramer
and Frank continue the lesson in their underwear as she stares
It's a little unnatural, but I think
I'm getting the hang of it.
Oh, my God!
(Still ticked off) That woman is such
an idiot! I was gonna do this whole
bit on that bottle - and now I got nothing
to talk about.
Well, have you ever considered writing
Well, maybe if I didn't have so many
people in my apartment all the time
I'd be able to get some work done.
(Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking
(Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never
(Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really
freaky, wasn't it?
Yeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey,
you know what? Maybe I could talk about
that on the show.
Show the doll - show the picture of
George's mother.. it's pretty funny.
(Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna
(Scene cuts to George's apartment. Sally answers the ringing
Hello, Susan? It's Jerry.
Hi Jerry, it's Sally!
(Disappointed) Oh. Is George there?
No, but he should be home soon.
Uh, listen, this is important. Tell
him to meet me at the TV studio with
a picture of his mother and that doll
that looks like her.
Is this for your comedy routine?
(Obviously resents talking to her) Yes.
(Gasps) Don't worry. (Like a detective)
I'm on the case.
(Jerry makes a face of doubt as he hangs up)
(George's old bedroom)
(The same pool game is going on. The Maestro is putting his pants
(Sighs slightly) I, uh, think I'll get
some air. (Slowly leaves)
Yeah.. (Sizes up his next shot. His
stick jams into the window as he draws
back) See? This is no good.. (Looks
around the room. His sights fall on
the Maestro's baton) Hey, the baton.
(Chalks it up) I got a hunch, fat man,
I can't miss. (Measures up his shot)
13 in the side pocket. (Does just that)
Giddy-up. (Moves around to the other
side of the board, judging his next
move) Six in the corner. (Hits it in)
This table's mine. (A series of Kramer's
plays are displayed, and, on the last
ball of the game..) You know where it's
(The Charles Grodin Show dressing room)
ELAINE AND JERRY
Is George here?
Not yet. (Points over to a man sitting
in one of the room's chairs. Whispers)
The other guy.
(Elaine gasps. Smiling, she walks over to him)
It's.. .. you! It's really you! Oh,
I'm such a huge fan of yours. Would
you mind signing this poster for me?
My pleasure. (Reaches for a pen as Elaine
unravels her poster)
(As he is signing) Oh, thank you so
much. (He finishes. Elaine gives out
a happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr..
(Tries to read his signature) Camaro.
(Carreras gives her a look as he is
getting up) Mr. Casea? (He walks off
as Elaine rolls the picture back up.
Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face)
Well, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna
take this to the Maestro. He's, he's
playing at the Queens Convalescent Center.
(Joking around) Well, that's one hell
of a gig. (Turning around, he picks
up a box labeled "Ori-dent") Hey, look,
I got something for you. The Ori-dent!
(Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts
the gift) Huh.. (Struggles under the
size) Wha-- why does a toothbrush come
in such a big box?
Well, it's a delicate mechanism - It,
you know, needs lots of packaging.
(Still trying to get a grasp on the
package) How am I supposed to carry
this thing? (She looks up to see Jerry
taking his pants off) What are you doing?
Well, I want to sit down.
It's a trick I just learned from Kramer.
It keeps a crease in the pants. (Folds
his pants over the head of a chair,
then sits down in another. When he sees
Elaine's staring at him, he makes a
"Tada!" gesture with his hands. Elaine
holds her hand up - as if to say "I'll
see ya.", and while she's slowly walking
out Jerry gives her a salute)
(George's old bedroom)
(The game is over)
(Making his exit, he lays the charm
on Mrs. Costanza) Madame, you have been
an extremely gracious hostess. (Kisses
(Coy) Ohh.. thank you, Maestro. (Giggles
to herself as the Maestro leaves)
(Holding up a picture) Here, take a
look at this.
(Looking at it) Yeah, what is it?
It's Carlo. I found him!
(Handing the picture back) You've been
cooped up in this room too long.
(Yelling out) You never support me!
Let's see what George says about this..
Where're my pants? (Takes his pair off
a rack and leaves)
(Taking his pair off, he inspects them)
(The Charles Grodin Show dressing room)
(Sally walks in with a bag. Jerry's sitting without any pants
Hey there, Mr. Hairy legs!
(Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's
Don't worry, I brought your doll.. (Pulls
out an extremely different doll - this
one resembles a baker) Tada!
(Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll!
Jerry, I saw the doll you were talking
about - not funny! This doll's much
funnier. Look, it has a little bowtie,
and a cute little hat.. I think it's
(Slow whispering) This is a nightmare.
Oh well, I'll be watching. (Sets the
doll down, then crosses her fingers)
Don't screw up. (Leaves)
(View shifts over to Carreras. While eating some BBQ food he
reaches back for a towel to wipe his face. He happens upon Jerry's
pants) Too much sauce.. (Wipes his mouth)
(A stagehand enters)
Mr. Seinfeld, you're on.
(Elaine's walking down with the poster and the box. A man exiting
an ice cream parlor almost runs into her. Scene cuts to her on
the subway. The man standing next to her is bumped, and his beverage
spills all over Elaine. Luckily, she held the poster up before
it could be damaged. Scene cuts to the Maestro's office)
Elaine? What a surprise.
I know you're very busy, but I just
wanted to come by and give you this.
Ohh.. (Looking at the box) Ori-dent
- that electric toothbrush I've heard
so much about..
No, no, no. Not the toothbrush.. (Holds
out the poster) this.
(The Maestro takes the poster, dramatically rolling the rubber
band off. He unravels the poster on his desk)
Ohh, what a sweet gesture. And autographed
poster of my favorite tenor, with..
those two other guys. Oh, Elaine, this
Oh, well, I just felt so bad about what
happened in Tuscany..
(Yelling from off-camera) Maestro, you're
Oh, Elaine.. wait for me after the concert?
Oh, ok! (Picking up the Ori-dent box,
she knocks over a bottle of wine. It
spills all over the poster)
(Scene cuts to the Maestro's concert. Various players are practicing
as he walks out. A round of applause sounds as the Maestro bows.
Picking up his bent baton, he addresses the orchestra. As he
starts to instruct the band, he stops when he finds out his baton
is bent out of shape. He turns and looks at the audience apologetically
as the music fades to a stop)
(George and Susan's apartment)
(Susan's holding her doll defensively)
I want to know why you took my doll
out of the house.
I just wanted a second opinion.
(There's a knock at the door. George sighs, then answers it -
(Holding up the picture) Take a look
at this. Doesn't that look like my flesh
and blood? Of course, your mother- (His
attention is drawn over to Susan's doll.
Like George did earlier, he starts to
imagine that the doll is scolding him
as his wife would)
Oh, stop bothering everybody with that
picture. It's ridiculous!
(Walking toward the doll) Ridiculous?!
I'll show you ridiculous! (Struggles
with Susan for possession of the doll)
(Pleading) No, Mr. Costanza! No, no!
(Frank manages to get the doll from Susan. He twists the head
clean off the body)
(Holding out the head in his hand, he
addresses it) There! Now what have you
got to say for yourself?!
(To Susan) I told you it looked like
(A street in Tuscany)
(Frank meets up with a man sweeping the sidewalk - the man he
believes to be his cousin)
(Sets a gift he's brought down) Carlo!
It's me, Frank! (Attempts to hug the
guy, but he resists - pushing Frank
away. He scolds Frank in another language)
I'm your cousin, Frank! Aren't you Carlo?
Carlo? No. Mi nome e Giuseppe.
(Realizing) What do you know.. Alright.
(Picking up his present) I guess I was
wrong. (Walks off)