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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE DOLL



                             Written by

                      Tom Gammill & Max Pross




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               (Jerry is just now getting done with his act)

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage, 
               sighing deeply. Instantly, a red-headed 
               woman runs up and hugs him - taking 
               Jerry by surprise)
 
               
                             SALLY
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               (Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey!
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               (Reminding him who she is) Sally Weaver! 
               (Sees Jerry's expression - he still 
               has no clue who she is) Susan Ross' 
               roommate from college.. hello! (Laughs 
               slightly)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Right.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you 
               saw the show?
 
               
                             SALLY
               Saw it? I loved it! And thank you for 
               the free tickets. You are so funny.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Modest) Oh, thanks.

               
                             SALLY
               (Serious) No, no, I mean it. You're 
               very funny.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Blunt) I believe you.

               
                             SALLY
               Oh, anyway, let me show you Memphis. 
               I am taking you (Points to him) out 
               to dinner.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I 
               can't - I'm going straight to the airport.
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               Ohh.. that's too bad.. Susan thought 
               we'd really get along - I guess because 
               we're both wacko! (Jerry laughs) You 
               know what, um.. (Turns around, picking 
               up a large gift from a table) You have 
               to give this to them for me. Okay? Here. 
               (Hands the box to Jerry, he struggles 
               under the size of it) It's a wedding 
               present.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh?

               
                             SALLY
               And Jerry? Be careful with it, okay? 
               Be very careful.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh-huh.

               
               
               (The Coffee shop)

               
               (George and his father, Frank, are sitting at a booth)

               
                             FRANK
               George, as you may be aware, your mother 
               and I are not moving to Del Boca Vista, 
               Florida.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Resenting the fact. Nodding) I am aware.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               So, I was wondering, would it be okay 
               if I turned your room into a billiard 
               parlor?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               A billiard parlor?

               
                             FRANK
               Regulation table, the hi-fi, maybe even 
               a bar.. Give it real authenticity..
 
               
               
               (Elaine enters. George spots her in mid-sentence)

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, that's.. Elaine!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi, Frank.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Sliding over to make room for her) 
               Sit down. Join us, please.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Trying to come up with an excuse not 
               to sit with them) Actually, I gotta 
               get to the.. uh.. thing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Somewhat stern) Oh, the thing's cancelled. 
               Sit down.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Giving up) Okay.. (Sits, George laughs) 
               So.. (Trying to think up something to 
               talk about) Frank, did George ever show 
               you that photo?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Confused) What photo?

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, the photo I took in Tuscany 
               of the little man in front of the sign 
               that said "Costanza"?
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Interested) There's a Costanza in Tuscany? 
               (Elaine nods) Did he look like me? Did 
               you talk to him?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I didn't talk to anyone - I was just 
               walking by, and I saw the sign, and 
               I thought George might get a kick out 
               of it.
 
               
                             FRANK
               I gotta get that picture - it could 
               be my cousin, Carlo.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Who is that?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Muttering out, not really wanting to 
               talk about his family) When the Costanzas 
               came here, one brother stayed behind.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               I played with him every day until the 
               age of four - and then we separated.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So, you weren't born here?

               
                             FRANK
               No. That's why I can never be president.. 
               It always irked me. That's why, even 
               at an early age, I had no interest in 
               politics. I refuse to vote. (Yelling 
               out) They don't want me, I don't want 
               them!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know what you're getting all 
               riled up about. There are probably a 
               million Costanzas-
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Cutting him off) Don't bring me down. 
               (To Elaine) Do you have another copy 
               of that photo?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I, I don't. But.. Well, the Maestro 
               might.
 
               
                             FRANK
               The Maestro? What Maestro?

               
                             ELAINE
               He's this guy that I went to Tuscany 
               with. He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't 
               feel comfortable calling him.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really? Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Explaining) Because he hasn't called 
               me since we got back.. I spilled wine 
               on his 8 by 10 photo of one of his favorite 
               Italian opera stars.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Who?

               
                             ELAINE
               You know the Three Tenors?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.. (Trying to remember) Poverotti.. 
               Domingo.. and.. uh.. the other guy.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Nodding) The other guy.

               
               
               (Airplane)

               
               (Jerry's flying to NY. On his lap is Sally's present and his 
               personal bag. He's trying to read a magazine while a stewardess 
               approaches him)
 
               
                             STEWARDESS
               (Overly nice) Could I take that box 
               for you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed 
               to be careful with it.
 
               
                             STEWARDESS
               Oh, then, I'll have to put your bag 
               in the over-head.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, okay..

               
               (The stewardess takes the bag, and crams it into the over-head 
               compartment. The sound of glass breaking can be heard)
 
               
                             STEWARDESS
               There we go.

               
               (Jerry gives a face of pure dissatisfaction)

               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Kramer enters while Jerry's unpacking. The clothes in his suitcase 
               are covered in bar-b-que sauce)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ohh.. look at this..

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis. 
               I think the stewardess broke it when 
               she tried to jam it into the overhead 
               compartment because of this (Gestures 
               to Sally's present) stupid thing.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, don't press the panic button. 
               I'm sure that we can still salvage some 
               sauce..
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't care about the sauce. It came 
               in this funny little bottle, and there 
               was a guy on the label that looked exactly 
               like Charles Grodin.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Taking some of Jerry's clothing over 
               to the kitchen) I see..
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, you don't see - because I'm going 
               on the show this week, and this was 
               going to be my bit on the show.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, why don't you do your material?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm out.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Looking up, sighs) Well, you better 
               get to work.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip.

               
               (George enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, buddies.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the 
               gift) It's from.. uh, Susan's roommate, 
               Sally.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally 
               called Susan - said you guys really 
               hit it off.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit 
               anything off. She just gave me the box. 
               (Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping 
               the BBQ sauce off Jerry's clothes with 
               a knife, then dipping some bread into 
               it) What the hell are you doing?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce. 
               What's the matter with you? (Eats the 
               bread)
 
               
               (George is still opening the gift - flinging Styrofoam peanuts 
               all over the table)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come 
               on.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Moving out into the living room) Jerry, 
               why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Like what?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's 
               act) "What is this stuff? Why do we 
               need this stuff?.. And why do they make 
               it so small..?"
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Confused) Where's the punchline?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's all attitude.. (Makes a humorous 
               face - mocking Jerry's)
 
               
                             GOERGE
               (Taking out a mat from the huge box) 
               Well, this is certainly a crappy gift..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               A door mat? That's what she had me lug 
               up from Memphis?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the 
               money she makes.. She's a big executive 
               for Federal Express.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Federal Express?! Is she out of her 
               mind? Why didn't she just ship it?!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Look, it's personalized. (Holds it up, 
               reading) "The Costanzas"
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no. Forget it. I don't want it. 
               Let's just get rid of it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, maybe your father would be interested 
               in that.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I doubt it. You know what he's doing 
               now? He's putting a pool table in my 
               old bedroom.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Interested) Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll 
               go out there and knock a few balls around 
               with him. You know, show him a thing 
               or two..
 
               
               
               (George's old bedroom)

               
               (The room is remodeled into a billiard room. The pool table is 
               obviously way too big for the room. Frank and Kramer are chalking 
               up their sticks)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So, what's your game? What do you like 
               to play?
 
               
                             FRANK
               Eight ball.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, nothing doing. Let's, you and me, 
               play a game of straight pool.. hmm?
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               You like to gamble, Cosmo?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, now and then - you know how it 
               is..
 
               
                             FRANK
               Five dollars a game, huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll break.

               
                             FRANK
               Okay.

               
               (Kramer goes to pull back his pool stick, but it is stopped short 
               by the wall. Scene cuts to a montage with multiple scenes involving 
               humorous accounts of their trying to play in such a tiny room)
 
               
               
               
               (George and Susan's apartment)

               
               (Susan has boxes in the living room, and is setting up some of 
               her items around the apartment)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What's all this?

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, I'm just moving in some more of 
               my stuff.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Muttering to himself as he walks to 
               the bedroom) More stuff..
 
               
                             SUSAN
               (Calling out) Oh, I put up my doll collection..
 
               
               
               (George walks into his room, and stops in his tracks. Up on the 
               shelves, is a doll that looks exactly like George's mother)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh my God! What is that?!

               
                             SUSAN
               (Rushing in) What? What is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Staring at the doll) This doll (Pointing) 
               looks like my mother.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               George, it's a doll.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know it's a doll, but it looks like 
               my mother!
 
               
                             SUSAN
               (Going back to the living room) Oh, 
               get outta here..
 
               
               
               (George's old bedroom)

               
               (Kramer, holding the pool stick at an awkward angle, is about 
               to hit the ball when Estelle enters)
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               What's going on in here? (Kramer hits 
               the cue ball, it jumps up from the table 
               and flies off screen) Are you two still 
               playing?! You've been up here three 
               hours!
 
               
                             FRANK
               We still haven't finished the first 
               game.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               The first game?!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Explaining why they are doing so bad) 
               Well, we're still, uh, learning the 
               subtleties of the table.
 
               
                             FRANK
               (To Estelle) he knows the Maestro. He 
               could have the picture..
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, forget about it. It's not your cousin.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               (Yelling out) You don't know that! (Estelle 
               leaves, slamming the door) We're gonna 
               go see him, huh?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Judging up his next move) As soon as 
               the game is over..
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Sensing the game is going to last a 
               long time) Oh boy.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Eleven, corner pocket. (Pulls back on 
               his stick, accidentally crashing it 
               into the window)
 
               
               
               (George and Susan's bedroom)

               
               (George and Susan are in bed. They go to kiss, but George stops 
               when he sees the doll laying right next to Susan)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What is this thing doing here?

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, I used to love to sleep with my 
               dolls when I was a little girl..
 
               
               (Susan leans in to kiss, but George stops her again)

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, I'm sorry, I can't do this..

               
                             SUSAN
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               I feel like I'm in bed with my mother.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, stop it.

               
               (They kiss. While kissing, George tightly stuffs the doll under 
               Susan's pillow -- out of sight)
 
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry enters the living room from his bathroom with his toothbrush. 
               Elaine is reading the paper at his table)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Elaine, you have got to buy this 
               new electric toothbrush I just got - 
               the Ori-dent.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Just making conversation) Oh yeah?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it's unbelievable. Every time you 
               use it you feel like you just came from 
               the dentist!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You 
               want to come see me on the Charles Grodin 
               show?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Who else is on the show?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh.. one of the three tenors.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands 
               up) Which one?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo..
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Extremely excited) The other guy?!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Nodding) Yeah, the other guy.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Screams out in joy) My God! I can't 
               believe the other guy's going to be 
               on the show!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because I ruined this autographed picture 
               of him that belonged to the Maestro. 
               You think I can go and get his autograph?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why not?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy!
 
               
               
               (George enters. He's in a disheveled state)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, you look awful.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep, 
               bro.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Problem in the bedroom?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Muttering) Susan has the doll collection.. 
               one of the dolls looks exactly like 
               my mother.. she likes to sleep with 
               it.
 
               
               (Elaine makes a face)

               
                             JERRY
               Wow. You were in bed with your mother 
               last night?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell 
               you, this doll is pretty spooky. (Takes 
               off his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's 
               freakin' me out man. And now I got to 
               go back out there and pick up this doormat.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I thought you didn't want the doormat.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't. Susan wants to have it out 
               when Sally comes tomorrow.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a 
               minute - She's coming to New York?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be 
               excited.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Excited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew 
               she was coming here and she made me 
               carry that box?!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Who's Sally?

               
                             GEORGE
               Susan's college roommate.

               
                             JERRY
               It's because of her that bottle got 
               broke that I was going to give to Charles 
               Grodin on his show.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So call her up and tell her to bring 
               you another one. She'll be delighted 
               to talk to you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (While opening a cereal box) I will 
               - don't worry. (Plotting revenge) In 
               fact, I'll have her bring up a whole 
               case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. 
               Let's see if she likes sitting on a 
               plane with a big box on her lap!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That's sounds pretty juvenile.

               
                             JERRY
               (Pulling out the toy from the cereal 
               box - he displays even more immaturity 
               by holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur!
 
               
               
               
               (The Maestro's Office)

               
               (Kramer and Frank are in a meeting with the Maestro)

               
                             FRANK
               His name was Carlo Costanza. We played 
               together everyday until I was four. 
               If I could just look through your photographs, 
               maybe I could recognize him.
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               Unfortunately those photographs are 
               at home.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe 
               we could interest you in a game of pool.. 
               Yeah, Frank here - he's got his own 
               billiard room.
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Trying to concentrate) Yes, It's, uh, 
               it's.. uh, uh.. What do you call it, 
               Kramer?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               A billiard room.

               
                             FRANK
               No, not billiard.. (Scolding) Not billiards.. 
               it was.. Come on, already. Come on..
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Confused) What?

               
                             FRANK
               We call it.. the, uh..

               
                             KRAMER
               (Snaps) The Place To Be!

               
                             FRANK
               The place to be! Yes! It's the place 
               to be.
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               (Agreeing to a game) Ah, then I shall 
               be there. And now, Gentlemen, (Making 
               dramatic actions) if you will excuse 
               me - I must prepare for the symphony.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah?

               
               (The Maestro gets up. Realizing that he isn't wearing pants, 
               Kramer and Frank stare in bewilderment)
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               (Noticing the expressions) Ohh, my pants. 
               (Begins putting on a near-by pair of 
               pants) It's an old conductor's trick 
               I learned from Leonard Bernstein.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Really?

               
                             MAESTRO
               You keep a perfect crease by not sitting 
               in them before the performance.
 
               
               (Kramer and Frank are obviously impressed)

               
                             KRAMER
               That's good thinking.

               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (George, presenting the doll to Jerry, has his arms out in a 
               'tada' gesture. Jerry has on a disgusted face)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You see?.. You see?!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it doesn't look exactly like her.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, 
               this is exactly what she's gonna look 
               like in ten years!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why don't you just get rid of it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I tried! I almost threw it down the 
               incinerator, but I couldn't do it. The 
               guilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the 
               doll, opening the door to leave) Susan's 
               so attached to this thing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait, where are you going? Don't take 
               your dolly and go home.
 
               
               (George shoots him a look, then leaves. He is audible as he meets 
               up with Elaine in the hallway)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hi, Elaine.

               
               (Elaine shrieks out in fright, then enters Jerry's doorway - 
               breathless)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Did you see that?!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine 
               exhales deeply - getting over the scare 
               of the doll. She moves into the apartment) 
               What's that? (Pointing to a rolled up 
               poster Elaine is carrying)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, it's a poster of the three tenors.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers 
               it) Yeah?
 
               
                             SALLY
               (Through the intercom) It's Sally.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce?
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               A whole case.

               
                             JERRY
               (Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine) 
               So, did you buy that electric toothbrush 
               I was telling you about?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Blunt, to the point) No.

               
                             JERRY
               How come? I told you - It's fantastic.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Eh, I like mine.

               
                             JERRY
               I've had yours, I'm telling you - this 
               one is ten times better. Don't you believe 
               me?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't want it.

               
                             JERRY
               (Slightly confused by her behavior) 
               I don't understand this. Why wouldn't 
               you want to get something that's better 
               if I'm telling you it's better? And 
               it's not a little better - it's much 
               better.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Not committing to the conversation) 
               It doesn't matter to me.
 
               
               (A knock on the door)

               
                             JERRY
               Come in.

               
               (Sally enters with a medium-sized box)

               
                             SALLY
               (Peppy) Well, here I am!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               How was your flight? (Wishful thinking) 
               Pretty uncomfortable?
 
               
                             SALLY
               (Setting the box down on his table) 
               Actually, the seat next to me was empty, 
               so, there was no problem at all.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the 
               box) Oh, wait.. (Holding up one of the 
               BBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that 
               I asked for!
 
               
                             SALLY
               That's right. It's a special gourmet 
               sauce. "The Pride of Memphis!"
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one 
               in the little bottle with that guy on 
               it that looks like Charles Grodin!
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               This is much better. And frankly, in 
               Memphis, we think that other sauce as 
               (Whispering) kind of a joke.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know it's a joke. It's supposed to 
               be a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles 
               Grodin Show with nothing. (Sets the 
               jar down angrily) Nothing!
 
               
                             SALLY
               You could just do your material.

               
                             JERRY
               (Peeved) I don't have any material!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Yelling out) He's got nothin'!

               
               
               (The Coffee Shop)

               
               (George is sitting at the table - opposite the doll. While he 
               eats his meal, he can hear his mother yelling at him via the 
               doll)
 
               
                             DOLL
               Georgie! Don't eat with your hands! 
               (George starts eating faster) Why do 
               you eat so fast?! You can't even taste 
               it!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Losing it) Don't tell me how to eat!
 
               
               
               (People from near-by tables turn and look at him)

               
                             DOLL
               You're wearing that shirt? You've had 
               it for five years already! Why don't 
               you get a new shirt?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Trying to keep it down) Because I like 
               this one! (Notices people staring at 
               him, he quickly gets up, collecting 
               the his coat and the tiny replica) C'mon, 
               let's go. Let's go! (On his way out, 
               he stops in front of a woman blocking 
               his path) Oh, hi.. (Embarrassed about 
               the doll, he sheepishly walks out)
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               (To Ruthie, the cashier) That man should 
               really be in a sanitarium. (Ruthie nods, 
               agreeing)
 
               
               
               (George's old bedroom)

               
               (The Maestro, Kramer, and Frank are all pant-less and playing 
               pool while listening to classical music. Frank is looking at 
               the Maestro's pictures with a magnifying glass)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Now this is remarkable. I'm lounging, 
               and yet, my pants remain perfectly creased.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               It's him! (Standing up) It's Carlo Costanza!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Come on. Are you sure?

               
               (They all crowd around the picture)

               
                             FRANK
               I'd know him anywhere.

               
                             MAESTRO
               I've seen that man in Tuscany. Eccentric 
               fellow. Reputation of being kind of 
               a village idiot.
 
               
                             FRANK
               I still say we're related.

               
                             MAESTRO
               (Recognizing the currently playing song) 
               Ohh, I love this piece. (Turns it up, 
               then pantomimes that he is conducting 
               the instruments)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, come on Frank. It's your shot.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               (Complaining) I can't make anything..
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Like a professional) Well, that's because 
               you don't know how to follow through 
               correctly.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Follow through? What do you mean?

               
                             KRAMER
               Right here, come on, I'll show you.. 
               (Gets behind Frank, holding the pool 
               stick with him) Take hold of your stick.. 
               alright, bring it back slowly..
 
               
               (Estelle walks in with a tray of beverages and popcorn. Kramer 
               and Frank continue the lesson in their underwear as she stares 
               in disbelief)
 
               
                             FRANK
               It's a little unnatural, but I think 
               I'm getting the hang of it.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, my God!

               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               (Still ticked off) That woman is such 
               an idiot! I was gonna do this whole 
               bit on that bottle - and now I got nothing 
               to talk about.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, have you ever considered writing 
               new material?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, maybe if I didn't have so many 
               people in my apartment all the time 
               I'd be able to get some work done.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking 
               about me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never 
               here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really 
               freaky, wasn't it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey, 
               you know what? Maybe I could talk about 
               that on the show.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Show the doll - show the picture of 
               George's mother.. it's pretty funny. 
               (Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna 
               call them.
 
               
               (Scene cuts to George's apartment. Sally answers the ringing 
               phone)
 
               
                             SALLY
               Hello?

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, Susan? It's Jerry.

               
                             SALLY
               Hi Jerry, it's Sally!

               
                             JERRY
               (Disappointed) Oh. Is George there?
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               No, but he should be home soon.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, listen, this is important. Tell 
               him to meet me at the TV studio with 
               a picture of his mother and that doll 
               that looks like her.
 
               
                             SALLY
               Is this for your comedy routine?

               
                             JERRY
               (Obviously resents talking to her) Yes.
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               (Gasps) Don't worry. (Like a detective) 
               I'm on the case.
 
               
               (Jerry makes a face of doubt as he hangs up)

               
               
               (George's old bedroom)

               
               (The same pool game is going on. The Maestro is putting his pants 
               on)
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               (Sighs slightly) I, uh, think I'll get 
               some air. (Slowly leaves)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.. (Sizes up his next shot. His 
               stick jams into the window as he draws 
               back) See? This is no good.. (Looks 
               around the room. His sights fall on 
               the Maestro's baton) Hey, the baton. 
               (Chalks it up) I got a hunch, fat man, 
               I can't miss. (Measures up his shot) 
               13 in the side pocket. (Does just that) 
               Giddy-up. (Moves around to the other 
               side of the board, judging his next 
               move) Six in the corner. (Hits it in) 
               This table's mine. (A series of Kramer's 
               plays are displayed, and, on the last 
               ball of the game..) You know where it's 
               going..
 
               
               
               (The Charles Grodin Show dressing room)

               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             ELAINE AND JERRY
               Hey!

               
                             ELAINE
               Is George here?

               
                             JERRY
               Not yet. (Points over to a man sitting 
               in one of the room's chairs. Whispers) 
               The other guy.
 
               
               (Elaine gasps. Smiling, she walks over to him)

               
                             ELAINE
               It's.. .. you! It's really you! Oh, 
               I'm such a huge fan of yours. Would 
               you mind signing this poster for me?
 
               
               
                             CARRERAS
               My pleasure. (Reaches for a pen as Elaine 
               unravels her poster)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (As he is signing) Oh, thank you so 
               much. (He finishes. Elaine gives out 
               a happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr.. 
               (Tries to read his signature) Camaro. 
               (Carreras gives her a look as he is 
               getting up) Mr. Casea? (He walks off 
               as Elaine rolls the picture back up. 
               Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face) 
               Well, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna 
               take this to the Maestro. He's, he's 
               playing at the Queens Convalescent Center.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Joking around) Well, that's one hell 
               of a gig. (Turning around, he picks 
               up a box labeled "Ori-dent") Hey, look, 
               I got something for you. The Ori-dent!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts 
               the gift) Huh.. (Struggles under the 
               size) Wha-- why does a toothbrush come 
               in such a big box?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's a delicate mechanism - It, 
               you know, needs lots of packaging.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Still trying to get a grasp on the 
               package) How am I supposed to carry 
               this thing? (She looks up to see Jerry 
               taking his pants off) What are you doing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I want to sit down.

               
                             ELAINE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               It's a trick I just learned from Kramer. 
               It keeps a crease in the pants. (Folds 
               his pants over the head of a chair, 
               then sits down in another. When he sees 
               Elaine's staring at him, he makes a 
               "Tada!" gesture with his hands. Elaine 
               holds her hand up - as if to say "I'll 
               see ya.", and while she's slowly walking 
               out Jerry gives her a salute)
 
               
               
               (George's old bedroom)

               
               (The game is over)

               
                             MAESTRO
               (Making his exit, he lays the charm 
               on Mrs. Costanza) Madame, you have been 
               an extremely gracious hostess. (Kisses 
               her hand)
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               (Coy) Ohh.. thank you, Maestro. (Giggles 
               to herself as the Maestro leaves)
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               (Holding up a picture) Here, take a 
               look at this.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               (Looking at it) Yeah, what is it?

               
                             FRANK
               It's Carlo. I found him!

               
                             ESTELLE
               (Handing the picture back) You've been 
               cooped up in this room too long.
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Yelling out) You never support me! 
               Let's see what George says about this.. 
               Where're my pants? (Takes his pair off 
               a rack and leaves)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Taking his pair off, he inspects them) 
               Aw, beautiful!
 
               
               
               (The Charles Grodin Show dressing room)

               
               (Sally walks in with a bag. Jerry's sitting without any pants 
               on)
 
               
                             SALLY
               Hey there, Mr. Hairy legs!

               
                             JERRY
               (Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's 
               George?
 
               
                             SALLY
               Don't worry, I brought your doll.. (Pulls 
               out an extremely different doll - this 
               one resembles a baker) Tada!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll!
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               Jerry, I saw the doll you were talking 
               about - not funny! This doll's much 
               funnier. Look, it has a little bowtie, 
               and a cute little hat.. I think it's 
               a riot!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Slow whispering) This is a nightmare.
 
               
               
                             SALLY
               Oh well, I'll be watching. (Sets the 
               doll down, then crosses her fingers) 
               Don't screw up. (Leaves)
 
               
               (View shifts over to Carreras. While eating some BBQ food he 
               reaches back for a towel to wipe his face. He happens upon Jerry's 
               pants) Too much sauce.. (Wipes his mouth)
 
               
                             JERRY
               My pants!

               
               (A stagehand enters)

               
                             STAGEHAND
               Mr. Seinfeld, you're on.

               
               
               (NYC street)

               
               (Elaine's walking down with the poster and the box. A man exiting 
               an ice cream parlor almost runs into her. Scene cuts to her on 
               the subway. The man standing next to her is bumped, and his beverage 
               spills all over Elaine. Luckily, she held the poster up before 
               it could be damaged. Scene cuts to the Maestro's office)
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               Elaine? What a surprise.

               
                             ELAINE
               I know you're very busy, but I just 
               wanted to come by and give you this.
 
               
               
                             MAESTRO
               Ohh.. (Looking at the box) Ori-dent 
               - that electric toothbrush I've heard 
               so much about..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, no. Not the toothbrush.. (Holds 
               out the poster) this.
 
               
               (The Maestro takes the poster, dramatically rolling the rubber 
               band off. He unravels the poster on his desk)
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               Ohh, what a sweet gesture. And autographed 
               poster of my favorite tenor, with.. 
               those two other guys. Oh, Elaine, this 
               is magnifico!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well, I just felt so bad about what 
               happened in Tuscany..
 
               
                             STAGEHAND
               (Yelling from off-camera) Maestro, you're 
               on!
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               Oh, Elaine.. wait for me after the concert? 
               We'll celebrate.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, ok! (Picking up the Ori-dent box, 
               she knocks over a bottle of wine. It 
               spills all over the poster)
 
               
               (Scene cuts to the Maestro's concert. Various players are practicing 
               as he walks out. A round of applause sounds as the Maestro bows. 
               Picking up his bent baton, he addresses the orchestra. As he 
               starts to instruct the band, he stops when he finds out his baton 
               is bent out of shape. He turns and looks at the audience apologetically 
               as the music fades to a stop)
 
               
               
               (George and Susan's apartment)

               
               (Susan's holding her doll defensively)

               
                             SUSAN
               I want to know why you took my doll 
               out of the house.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I just wanted a second opinion.

               
               (There's a knock at the door. George sighs, then answers it - 
               it's Frank)
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Holding up the picture) Take a look 
               at this. Doesn't that look like my flesh 
               and blood? Of course, your mother- (His 
               attention is drawn over to Susan's doll. 
               Like George did earlier, he starts to 
               imagine that the doll is scolding him 
               as his wife would)
 
               
                             DOLL
               Oh, stop bothering everybody with that 
               picture. It's ridiculous!
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Walking toward the doll) Ridiculous?! 
               I'll show you ridiculous! (Struggles 
               with Susan for possession of the doll) 
               Come here!
 
               
                             SUSAN
               (Pleading) No, Mr. Costanza! No, no!
 
               
               
               (Frank manages to get the doll from Susan. He twists the head 
               clean off the body)
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Holding out the head in his hand, he 
               addresses it) There! Now what have you 
               got to say for yourself?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Susan) I told you it looked like 
               her..
 
               
               
               (A street in Tuscany)

               
               (Frank meets up with a man sweeping the sidewalk - the man he 
               believes to be his cousin)
 
               
                             FRANK
               (Sets a gift he's brought down) Carlo! 
               It's me, Frank! (Attempts to hug the 
               guy, but he resists - pushing Frank 
               away. He scolds Frank in another language) 
               I'm your cousin, Frank! Aren't you Carlo?
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Carlo? No. Mi nome e Giuseppe.

               
                             FRANK
               (Realizing) What do you know.. Alright. 
               (Picking up his present) I guess I was 
               wrong. (Walks off)
 
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Doll



Writers :   Tom Gammill  Max Pross
Genres :   Comedy


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