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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE DOODLE



                             Written by

                      Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               They call themselves exterminators but 
               they can't really do it. The best they 
               can do is get the bugs to somebody else's 
               house. They just relocate them , y'know 
               what I mean, they're bug realtors is 
               what they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll 
               be happy here , there's a lotta crumbs 
               not much light, ahmmm they usually sleep 
               through the night, so you'll really 
               have a (?) of the place. Nobody really 
               cares about killing insects, even the 
               animal rights people don't care. You 
               could probably walk into an animal rights 
               organization meeting and hear a speech 
               like; The only way to stop the cruelty 
               of the scientific testing on animals 
               is (slaps his face)...Ha! Got him , 
               is to boycott these companies.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry it's funny, Paula and I actually 
               met because of Elaine.
 
               
                             PAULA
               Elaine is in my drawing class at the 
               new school
 
               
                             GEORGE
               ..And I went down there one time to 
               see...
 
               
                             JERRY
               (cuts in) A nude model.

               
                             GEORGE
               If Elaine wanted to get some coffee.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know I went out once with a nude 
               model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds 
               of people see
 
               
               her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite 
               vexing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Are you through?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               So Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine 
               on her sketches and it turns out,they're 
               Paula's.
 
               
                             PAULA
               George, I just like to doodle

               
               Jerry picks up a pecan that his girlfriend had just masticated.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you doing?...She had those 
               nuts in her mouth , she just spit them 
               out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate 
               these? You sucked on these and put them 
               on the plate?
 
               
                             SHELLY
               Well I didn't know you were gonna eat 
               them?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Soo...

               
                             SHELLY
               I'm sorry you find me so repulsive?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly..
 
               
               
                             SHELLY
               Yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               It's just...

               
                             SHELLY
               Well, hem ,if you'll excuse me I think 
               I'll just go to the ladies room.
 
               
                             PAULA
               I'll join you.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh! man did you see that. I ate discarded 
               food.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well I've done that.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but with you it's intentional.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Haven't you kissed her?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but this is different , this is 
               like ,you know, semi digested food stuff. 
               You know the next stop
 
               
               is the stomach and you can take it from there.

               
               
               
               George stops a passing busboy

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me just for a second. ( fixes 
               his hair looking at his reflection in 
               a coffee pot.)
 
               
               Jerry; AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference.

               
                             GEORGE
               This is dating , you can't leave anything 
               to chance.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey ,You think that Shelly's upset that 
               I made such a big deal about the pecan.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hehummm , Yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               Thanks.

               
                             GEORGE
               No problem.

               
               
               
               The girls return from the ladies room.

               
               
               
                             SHELLY
               Well Jerry , I guess we should get going 
               .
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah! boy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well , it was very nice meeting you 
               Shelly and Jerry be careful ,there's 
               a lot of nuts out there.
 
               
               ( to Paula) All right you have everything?

               
                             PAULA
               Can you grab my purse.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.( reaches for the purse and finds 
               a piece of paper . he looks annoyed.
 
               
               
               
               
               Monks , next day .George showing Jerry the piece of paper he 
               picked up
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah! So

               
               George; Don't you see what this is?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah! It's a doodle.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah!, a doodle of me...look at the 
               size of the nose , the ears, all my 
               features are distorted.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh!.It's an affectionate caricature.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm grotesque . I look like a troll.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's just a drawing.

               
                             GEORGE
               Don't you see what this says? How can 
               you possibly like somebody ,if you think 
               they look like this?
 
               
               
               
               Elaine walks in

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!! 
               (angrily)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What is with him?

               
                             JERRY
               the usual

               
                             ELAINE
               So, you know what? My friend Judy recommended 
               me for a job at Viking Press.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Good for you

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah! But get this. Viking has a deal 
               with the Plaza Hotel, they got a two 
               bedroom suite, there ,
 
               
               for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh! Come on, you told them you're from 
               out-of-town just so you could stay in 
               a hotel room.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I know, I know Jerry.. but it's The 
               Plazaaa... I've never stayed there .It'll 
               be like a little vacation
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well be sure to catch a Broadway show 
               while you're in town.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               ( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents 
               address in Florida.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! There coming to town tomorrow by 
               the way.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey. What's this.?.

               
                             JERRY
               Don't ask.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily)
 
               
               
               
               
               George comes back

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It is..

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You enjoying yourself? (More laughs 
               from Elaine)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Sorry.

               
                             GEORGE
               You see. You see! Listen when is your 
               next drawing class?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Tomorrow .

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, I want you to do me a favor.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I want you to find out is she likes 
               me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Find out if likes you?. What, are you 
               in High School?...George come on can't 
               you just talk to her yourself?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               But she's gonna know that I like her 
               more than she likes me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know my parents are coming in and 
               I got some clean up to do , so if you 
               and Potsie are done scheming....
 
               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, they're in...

               
                             JERRY
               What's in?

               
                             KRAMER
               The MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW 
               PEACHES!!!!
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Aah! .. right. The ones from Oregon 
               that are only ripe for two weeks a year..
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I 
               waited all year for this.. Oooh this 
               is fantastic..
 
               
               Makes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus 
               in your mouth.....Take a taste
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nah, I don't wanna

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Come on ,Just take a taste

               
                             JERRY
               I don't want it..

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on JUST TASTE!!!

               
                             JERRY
               I DON'T WANT IT ....

               
                             KRAMER
               HE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!!

               
                             JERRY
               I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate 
               some one's pecan last night, I'm not 
               gonna eat your peach.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry , this is a miracle of nature 
               that exists for a brief period. It's 
               like the Aurora Borealis.
 
               
               
               
               Jerry scratches his ankle furiously

               
                             JERRY
               ..What is this?

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah! I think I got flea bites.

               
                             KRAMER
               Flea bites?

               
                             JERRY
               Look at this, my ankle's all bitten 
               up.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You got a dog?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that is strange.

               
                             JERRY
               How could I have fleas?

               
                             KRAMER
               Don't sweat it buddy...I used to have 
               fleas.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What did you do about them?

               
                             KRAMER
               What do you mean?...

               
               
               
               Jerry's parents come through the door.

               
                             MORTY
               Hey guys . Jerry . Kramer

               
                             HELEN
               Hi Jerry......What's wrong?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothing...

               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, I'm your mother, now what is 
               it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Mom, Dad.....I have fleas..

               
               
               
               Elaine's drawing class

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey Paula!.. I hear you been going out 
               with George Costanza?
 
               
                             PAULA
               How did you know??

               
                             ELAINE
               Everybody knows. y'know George told 
               me he thinks you're totally cute and 
               everything.
 
               
                             PAULA
               He said that?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ha hum...Do you like George?

               
                             PAULA
               Yeaaah! he's cool.

               
                             ELAINE
               No I mean...Do you like him or do you 
               like him like him?
 
               
                             PAULA
               Like like.. looks aren't important to 
               me ,you know?
 
               
               
               
                             TEACHER
               Miss Benes , Are you chewing gum?

               
                             ELAINE
               (nods) HumHummmm....

               
               
               
               Elaine spits the gum in the waste basket then as the teacher 
               turns around she makes a throwing up
 
               
               motion at Paula .

               
               Later at jerry's

               
               
               
                             KARL
               Yep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld. 
               You've got a full outbreak of fleas 
               on your hands.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't get this. How did this happen. 
               I don't have a dog.
 
               
                             KARL
               I don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I 
               just exterminate them.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't understand this..

               
                             KARL
               I 'm gonna have to seal the place up 
               for 48 hours and fog it. That's the 
               only way to get rid of them.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nobody can be in here for 48 hours, 
               I got my parents in town.
 
               
                             KARL
               Well , unless you want to kill them. 
               They can't stay in here. This stuff 
               is pretty toxic. I'll go get my
 
               
               stuff, it's in the truck.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay..

               
               Elaine comes in

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi....???

               
               Jerry; Bug guy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why do you have a bug guy?

               
                             JERRY
               I have fleas.

               
                             ELAINE
               Argh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she 
               just deposited on the couch) How did 
               you get fleas?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know...But every one's got to 
               clear out of the apartment for two days. 
               I don't know what I'm
 
               
               gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel 
               and if they go to someplace on their
 
               
               own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have 
               you checked in The Plaza yet?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No....Oh No....

               
                             JERRY
               Come on,c'mon

               
                             ELAINE
               No, No...

               
                             JERRY
               c'mon ,c'mon....

               
                             ELAINE
               No, No...

               
                             JERRY
               c'mon, c'mon....

               
                             ELAINE
               No, No....Yesss!!!!!!

               
                             JERRY
               Yes!!!

               
               
               
               Door buzzer

               
                             JERRY
               Yes!!!

               
                             GEORGE
               yeah!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well what about you. Where you gonna 
               stay?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but 
               she still might be upset from the masticated 
               pecan incident.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey!! I found out from Paula; She likes 
               George. I'll bet he'll be relieved.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved... 
               Oh by the way Viking Press sent a Fedex 
               for you to
 
               
               my parents. They brought it with 'em.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah that's just some stuff about the 
               company.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk 
               to Paula?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               So what did she say?

               
                             ELAINE
               She...likes you..

               
                             GEORGE
               She said she liked me. No kiddin' she 
               said that?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ya!

               
                             GEORGE
               Those were her exact words, I like George.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yep!

               
                             GEORGE
               Ha Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like 
               that.You see I get myself in a dizzy, 
               I'm all worked up and for what?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               For nothing..

               
                             GEORGE
               ha Ha..

               
                             ELAINE
               In fact she said that looks aren't even 
               that important to her...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You see.....WHAT!!

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah Oh!!

               
                             GEORGE
               She said looks aren't important to her?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well..hum...let me rephrase that, She 
               said....
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it.

               
               Jerry; You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people 
               out there walking around, but they don't know they're
 
               
               ugly, because nobody actually tells them.

               
                             GEORGE
               .....So what's your point?

               
                             JERRY
               I dunno...

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay.. The point , George, is she likes 
               you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me 
               and thought I was good looking....At 
               least I can get somebody else.
 
               
               (scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching?

               
                             JERRY
               That'd be the fleas.

               
               
               
               At the Plaza Hotel

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey!!!

               
                             MORTY
               Hey! I do you like this? Huh, huh!
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Oh! my god, Morty lets go, this is too 
               nice.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Hey! This is the kind of room Sinatra 
               stays in. Hey! look , Macadamian nuts.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Macadamian nuts?

               
                             MORTY
               Hey! You know what these cost, they're 
               like 80 cents a nut.
 
               
               Helen; Jerry, are you sure this all right?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah! it's all taken care of.

               
                             MORTY
               ( from the other room) Hey!!! They got 
               a phone in the john here.
 
               
               
               
               Outside Elaine's building

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Judy .

               
                             JUDY
               Hey!!!!.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, Thank you so much for recommending 
               me to Viking Press .
 
               
                             JUDY
               It is my pleasure , just make sure you 
               give that manuscript a good read.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Manuscript?

               
                             JUDY
               Yeah. I'm sure they Fedexed you a manuscript. 
               They want to see that you can read
 
               
               
               an unpublished work and give insightful criticism.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oooh!!

               
                             JUDY
               Read it twice if you have to. This is 
               a big step in your career.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah! hmmm..I gotta go..

               
                             JUDY
               Hey! What about lunch?

               
                             ELAINE
               (she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo...
 
               
               
               
               
               Catches up with Jerry on the street.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Thank god I found you..

               
                             JERRY
               Oh! Hey!

               
                             ELAINE
               You still got that Fedex?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah! I got it . It's in the apartment, 
               but we can't go in there it's being 
               fumigated.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No I'll take my chances. Come on...( 
               Grabs him by the coat and head back 
               to his place)
 
               
               
               
               Jerry's place . There is a sign on the door that says "Fumigation 
               Do not enter"
 
               
                             JERRY
               You see?

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry , I need that Fedex right now..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I told you to take it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I didn't know that it was a manuscript 
               that I had to read...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, You can't go in there it's like 
               a gas chamber in there.
 
               
               
               
               Kramer comes out of the apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               I left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, they're fumigating. There's 
               toxic gas in there.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Toxic gas!!!

               
                             JERRY
               Aw! You'll be fine, you were in there 
               for what , a couple of minutes.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               An hour and a half!!! I was reading 
               a manuscript, I just couldn't put it 
               down.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               My manuscript?

               
                             JERRY
               How do you feel?

               
                             KRAMER
               Now that you mention it , a little woozy.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer You got go back in there grab 
               my manuscript.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm not going back in there!!

               
                             ELAINE
               all right then, where is it??

               
                             KRAMER
               I left it on the coffee table or somethin'
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well wh..wh.what are you doing?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm going in .

               
                             JERRY
               Didn't you see the sign on the door?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I thought it was so your parents 
               wouldn't walk in while you're with a 
               girl.
 
               
               
               
               Elaine breathes heavily does the sign of the cross and enters. 
               She goes to the coffee
 
               
               table then looks underneath the couch and finishes by his desk 
               then the dinner table.
 
               
               She runs out of air so she has to rush out.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               ( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table, 
               Kramer. Where is it?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I don't know . I was in the bathroom 
               , the kitchen...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay... bathroom....kitchen.

               
                             JERRY
               Can you get me a soda?

               
               
               
               Elaine goes back in

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich. 
               I got to get out of the building.
 
               
               
               
               
               Elaine searches the kitchen , then the couch cushions and gives 
               up.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere. 
               How did you get fleas anyway?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. Who could've been in my 
               apartment.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I 've looked everywhere , even under 
               the couch but all I could find were 
               the stupid Chunky wrappers.
 
               
               I couldn't....

               
                             JERRY
               Wait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               Let me see those. ( smells them) Oh! 
               I know the chunky that left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!!
 
               
               
               I've got him.

               
               
               
               Newman's door . Jerry knocks

               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Newman . Open the door, Newman, I know 
               you're in there.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello jerry. What a pleasant surprise.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               There's nothing pleasant about it, so 
               lets just cut the crap.. You gave me 
               fleas. I know it and you know it..
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous. 
               How can I , give you fleas. Now if you 
               don't mind...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! but I do. There's probably fleas 
               crawling all over your little snack 
               bar. ( as he says this Newman
 
               
               is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when 
               Jerry turns around)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep 
               your house in a state of disrepair. 
               Maybe you live in
 
               
               squaller.(?)

               
                             JERRY
               You know Newman , the thing about fleas 
               is that they irritate the skin and they 
               start to...itch.
 
               
               Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen 
               or twenty but after a while, no matter
 
               
               how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because 
               they're crawling , crawling on your skin.
 
               
               Up your legs , up your spine , up your back.....

               
                             NEWMAN
               (Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm 
               ripped with fleas ( scratches
 
               
               furiously)

               
               
               
               Plaza Hotel, Morty is getting a massage.

               
                             MORTY
               Oh! Oh! That feels good. Hey! This guy 
               charges a hundred bucks an hour but 
               I'm telling ya
 
               
               he's worth every penny OOOOHH!

               
                             HELEN
               I'm next.

               
                             MORTY
               Hey! Leo, get this, four movies at once; 
               Pay Per View.
 
               
                             LEO
               I love these nuts.

               
                             NANA
               This Champagne's gone flat. ( throws 
               her glass over her shoulder)
 
               
                             HELEN
               Nana!!!

               
                             NANA
               He Ha Ha Ha...Let the chambermaid clean 
               it up
 
               
               
               
               On the street in front of a flower shop

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hello..

               
                             PAULA
               What's the matter?...

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I spoke to Elaine...

               
                             PAULA
               Hey! Look , no shave.

               
                             GEORGE
               No...Why should that make any difference 
               to you?
 
               
                             PAULA
               It doesn't..

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course not. You don't care what I 
               look like.
 
               
                             PAULA
               That's right I don't.

               
                             GEORGE
               I suppose I could just pull this out 
               ( his tucked shirt)and walk around like 
               this and you wouldn't care?
 
               
                             PAULA
               Not a wit.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln 
               Center and I'd be wearing sneakers and 
               jeans and that
 
               
               would be fine too.

               
                             PAULA
               You can wear sweatpants.

               
                             GEORGE
               I could..

               
                             PAULA
               (seductively) You could drape yourself 
               in velvet, for all I care.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Velvet...

               
               
               
               Monks

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Did you read the whole thing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh! yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Huh . So What's it about?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well it's a story about love, deception, 
               greed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               unbridled enthusiasm...?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well , that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's 
               downfall.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! boy.

               
                             KRAMER
               You see Elaine, Billy was a simple country 
               boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist,
 
               
               
               who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy 
               and international intrigue.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! my God.

               
                             KRAMER
               ah! Here we go.

               
                             ELAINE
               (to the waitress) can I have a scotch 
               on the rocks.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               May I..( pointing her food)

               
                             ELAINE
               (feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead.

               
                             KRAMER
               what is this?

               
                             ELAINE
               What? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting 
               her food)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I can't taste this.

               
                             ELAINE
               What are you talking about?

               
                             KRAMER
               This food ,it has no taste......nothin' 
               I'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It 
               must be the toxic gas
 
               
               from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused)
 
               
               
               
               
               At Shelley's

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay 
               here.
 
               
                             SHELLEY
               Well, I don't keep pecans in the house 
               so I didn't think it'd be a problem.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               ( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn..
 
               
               
                             SHELLEY
               What's the matter?

               
                             JERRY
               I forgot my toothbrush.

               
                             SHELLEY
               Oh! no problem.....You can use mine.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yours?....You know what I'll think I'll 
               brush later.
 
               
                             SHELLEY
               Brush now.

               
                             JERRY
               (long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song 
               then stares at the toothbrush)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Kramer and Newman who is coming out of the market eating a peach.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Newman ,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw..
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               What for, you got your own.

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on ,c'mon i need to taste it. ( 
               takes his peach).....Nothin' , Can't 
               even taste a Macanaw.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               ( resumes eating) Well that's a shame.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Waited all year and I can't even taste 
               it..
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               You can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em 
               . Why not give them all to me.
 
               
               
               
               At Viking Press.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It's a story about love , deception 
               ,greed , lust and.... unbridled enthusiasm 
               .
 
               
                             MANDEL
               Unbridled enthusiasm.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah!..tha..that's right. that That's 
               what led to...(throath clearing) Billy 
               Mumphrey's downfall.
 
               
                             MANDEL
               hmmm...interesting take. So you believe, 
               has he not been so enthusiastic he could 
               have adverted
 
               
               disaster.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see 
               ,Billy Mumphrey was a simple country 
               boy. Some might say a
 
               
               cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world 
               diplomacy and International intrigue.
 
               
                             MANDEL
               So.. It was more a question of attitude 
               than politics..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, yes Mr. Mandel.

               
               
               
               Plaza Hotel

               
               
               
                             MORTY
               Hey! Under Siege is on again. Whose 
               up for it?
 
               
                             LEO
               No more nuts. Awrghh.....

               
               
               
               Monks. George walks in wearing velvet.

               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! my god. What the hell is this? ..... 
               Don't tell me.......Velvet!!!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's the real deal.

               
                             JERRY
               She's seen you in this thing.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's right...We just had sex......You 
               know Jerry I've been searching for someone 
               a long time.
 
               
               Well the search is over.

               
                             JERRY
               And now the search for the right psychiatrist 
               begins.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He he...So huh! What's with the suitcase.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ahh! She threw me out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               I wouldn't use her toothbrush.

               
                             GEORGE
               So where are you staying?

               
                             JERRY
               Well I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet 
               Fog.
 
               
               
               
               At Viking again.

               
               
               
                             MANDEL
               Three hours of massage time , twelve 
               in-room movies including several adult 
               features, five shoe
 
               
               shines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks. Not to mention 
               the damage to the room.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr Mandel, you don't understand ...my 
               my friend had fleas. I ran into the 
               gas , it could have killed
 
               
               me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they 
               only good for two weeks.
 
               
                             MANDEL
               I think , you've read, one too many, 
               Billy Mumphrey stories. Good day Miss 
               Benes.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay...Good day..

               
               Monks again.George comes in eating a Macanaw peach.

               
                             PAULA
               Hi George.

               
                             GEORGE
               (mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic ( 
               puts the pit in the a plate)D'you ever 
               had a Macanaw peach?
 
               
                             PAULA
               Oh! yeah I love those.

               
                             GEORGE
               Too bad , it's all done.

               
               
               
               Paula takes the pit and puts it in her mouth. George stares in 
               disbelief , then disgust.
 
               
               Kramer is about to lick an envelope he is about to send.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               ya....Yes!....Yes! it's back I can taste 
               again. ( to a passerby) Hey! What's 
               the date today?
 
               
                             PASSERBY
               The fifteenth.

               
                             KRAMER
               Fifteenth , Yes last day for the Macanaws. 
               I can still make it. Wait.. Newman...
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Sorry , last one . Would you want to 
               suck the pit?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               ( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the 
               mailman. You remember the mailman don't 
               you.
 
               
               (unleashes a dog)

               
               Dog proceeds to chase after Newman

               
               Finally at The Plaza Hotel

               
                             ELAINE
               (knocks) Hello is anybody here?..

               
                             LEO
               They said they were sending an Asian 
               woman.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! my God.

               
               
               
                             THE END



The Doodle



Writers :   Alec Berg  Jeff Schaffer
Genres :   Comedy


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