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                            THE DOORMAN



                             Written by

                      Tom Gammill & Max Pross




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               
                             JERRY
               You remember a few years ago in New 
               York, we had the doorman strike? They 
               have a union, in the fancy buildings, 
               and they went out on strike. Now you 
               wouldthink, if any group of people would 
               not wanna demonstrate what life would 
               be like without them, it would be doormen. 
               (as belligerent doorman) "Let's see 
               how they do without us!" There's no 
               doorman, people open the door, they 
               walk in, it's... you know. Who's gonna 
               walk out next? The guys who clean your 
               windshield at the traffic light, with 
               the dirty rag? (as window washer) "We 
               demand shorter yellows, and longer reds!"
 
               
               
               
               (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)

               
               Jerry comes in from the street and walks toward the elevators. 
               A doorman, stood
 
               reading a newspaper on a counter, objects. There's an undertone 
               to the doorman's
 
               voice - unfriendly, contemptuous, even an edge of menace.

               
                             DOORMAN
               Whoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns 
               to Jerry) May I help you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm 
               just going up to see Elaine Benes.
 
               
               
                             DOORMAN
               (unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward 
               Jerry) No-one here by that
 
               name.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for 
               Mr. Pitt.
 
               
                             DOORMAN
               Oh. House-sitting, mmm.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             DOORMAN
               What're you, the boyfriend? Here for 
               a... quickie?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can I just go up?

               
                             DOORMAN
               Oh, I get it. Why waste time making 
               small talk with the doorman? I
 
               should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.
 
               
               
               The doorman wanders back to his newspaper. Jerry shrugs and pushes 
               the button
 
               for one of the elevators. There's a pause as he waits for it 
               to arrive. The
 
               doorman stands holding his paper, staring at Jerry, with the 
               unfriendly smile on
 
               his face. Jerry throws a smile of his own back. The elevator 
               is still not
 
               moving. Jerry tries to break the uncomfortable silence.

               
                             JERRY
               How 'bout those Knicks?

               
                             DOORMAN
               Oh, I see. On the sports page...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             DOORMAN
               ...What makes you think I wasn't reading 
               the Wall Street page? Oh, I
 
               know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.

               
               Jerry turns away and looks at the indicator, hoping that the 
               elevator will come
 
               and rescue him.

               
               
               (Street)

               
               George and Kramer walk along together.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, you think your parents'll get back 
               together?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I hope so. I can't take him living with 
               me much longer. He makes this
 
               kasha, it stinks up the whole house.

               
               Kramer has noticed a 'Sightseeing Tour' bus on the street, with 
               a German flag
 
               painted on the door. It gives him an idea. Kramer steps in front 
               of George and
 
               brings them to a halt.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, George, stick 'em up.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               For these German tourists. Pretend that 
               I'm robbing you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               So these people can go back home and 
               tell their friends they saw a real
 
               
               New York mugging. It'll give them a thrill.

               
               Kramer pushes his hand deep into a pocket and raises his arm, 
               giving the
 
               impression that he has a gun concealed beneath his coat.

               
                             KRAMER
               Awright, hands up, porky!

               
               On the tourist bus, the occupants attention is attracted. They 
               look out the
 
               window at the 'mugging'. George has his hands up, and Kramer 
               is feeling through
 
               George's pockets with his free hand.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's it. Now, gimme your wallet. Got 
               it in here, huh, fat boy!
 
               
               The tourist are looking out of the bus. Shocked, they knock on 
               the glass. Kramer
 
               grabs George by the collar of his jacket and is shaking him violently.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (aggressive) Is that all you got?! Hah? 
               Is that all you got?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, that's enough.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll tell you when it's enough! (he 
               releases George) Alright, now you
 
               
               better not say anything, or I'll stalk you!

               
               Kramer walks away. The tourists stare, horrified at what they've 
               witnessed.
 
               
               
               (Mr. Pitt's Apartment)

               
               Elaine admits Jerry to the apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               Where've you been? We're gonna miss 
               the movie, let's go.
 
               
               Elaine collects her bag, in readiness to leave.

               
                             JERRY
               I am not going back down there. I can't 
               face that guy again.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What guy?

               
                             JERRY
               The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore 
               of his mindgames. What time does
 
               he get off?

               
                             ELAINE
               Six. But then the night doorman comes 
               on. He's much scarier. (scary
 
               noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's almost six now. Can't we 
               just wait til he goes home?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (unhappy) I...

               
                             JERRY
               We'll still make the movie.

               
                             ELAINE
               (accepting) Okay, okay.

               
               Jerry and Elaine sit on the couch to wait. They simultaneously 
               look at their
 
               watches.

               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               George and Kramer wear their jackets, ready to leave. Frank is 
               in a shirt,
 
               mixing a bowl (of kasha?) as they talk.

               
                             GEORGE
               What'd you do today, dad?

               
                             FRANK
               Today, I went record shopping in Greenwich 
               Village. I bought this record,
 
               but I can't seem to find the hi-fi.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't have a hi-fi.

               
                             FRANK
               Didn't I give you my old record player?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (leaving to the bedroom) I gave it to 
               Cosmo.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Cosmo? Who's Cosmo?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm Cosmo.

               
                             FRANK
               Well, I want it back. I wanna listen 
               to that cha-cha record.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (little dance) One-two, cha-cha-cha.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (coming back in) Alright, alright. Can 
               we go out and eat?
 
               
                             FRANK
               (putting down the bowl) Lemme change 
               my shirt.
 
               
               George and Kramer stand together, by George's computer. Frank 
               unfastens his
 
               shirt and opens it. Kramer and George turn and see Frank's torso 
               exposed as the
 
               shirt comes off. Kramer's eyebrows go up in surprise. George 
               looks horrified,
 
               and puts his hand to his mouth like he's going to vomit.

               
               
               (Mr. Pitt's Apartment)

               
               Elaine still sits on the couch. Jerry is standing at the window, 
               holding the
 
               curtain open and looking down at the street.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's 
               go.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, that doorman's still milling around 
               outside. He's very peculiar.
 
               
               The phone on Mr. Pitt's desk rings. Jerry is nearer, so he moves 
               to answer it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, don't...

               
                             JERRY
               (picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh, 
               hi Mr. Pitt.
 
               
               Elaine looks exasperated.

               
                             ELAINE
               (quietly) Give that to me.

               
                             ELAINE
               (taking the phone) Hello Mr. Pitt. How's 
               Scotland?
 
               
               Mr. Pitt sits in a comfortable chair in Scotland.

               
                             MR. PITT
               (concerned) Elaine, are you having a 
               party?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid 
               friend Jerry.
 
               
               Jerry is peering out of the window again.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, he just left. We can go.

               
                             MR. PITT
               (stern) Because there's to be no entertaining 
               while I'm gone.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Believe me, we're not entertained. We 
               were just leaving. (to Jerry) Oh,
 
               
               can you grab those empty bottles for me.

               
               Jerry picks up a paper sack of empty bottles from the floor by 
               the desk.
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               I need to know what's in the mail.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's really nothing 
               that can't wait. We're trying
 
               to catch a movie.

               
                             MR. PITT
               (resolute) Well, you better catch the 
               later show, because I need to
 
               know what's in the mail.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright. (to Jerry, upset) I can't go.
 
               
               
               Jerry gives an irritated glance upwards and goes to leave.

               
               
               (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)

               
               Jerry emerges from the elevator (without the bottles). There 
               is a new doorman on
 
               duty, who gives Jerry a friendly nod and smile and holds the 
               door open for him.
 
               Jerry nods and smiles back, and leaves.

               
               
               (Mr. Pitt's Apartment)

               
               Elaine is kneeling with the phone. She has Mr. Pitt's mail spread 
               out on the
 
               floor in front of her and is going through it for Mr. Pitt's 
               benefit.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               ...Uhm, the new Time magazine. The new 
               People...
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               (piqued interest) Oh, who's on the cover?
 
               
               
               
               (Street)

               
               Jerry walks down the street. He passes a doorway, where stands 
               a familiar
 
               figure. The doorman still has the attitude problem.

               
                             DOORMAN
               Hey, buddy.

               
                             JERRY
               (surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing 
               here? You work at this building
 
               too?

               
                             DOORMAN
               Ah, sure. Poor doorman has to work two 
               jobs to put food on the table
 
               for mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay, 
               isn't it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you work all day as a doorman at 
               one building. Then you come home and
 
               
               stand outside your own building?

               
                             DOORMAN
               You got a problem with that?

               
                             JERRY
               Look, I'm not going in your building. 
               I really don't have to talk to you.
 
               
               Goodbye.

               
               Jerry walks away.

               
                             DOORMAN
               (calling after Jerry) You really think 
               you're better than me, don't
 
               you?!

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               George and Kramer sit one side of a booth, facing Jerry. George 
               is wearing a
 
               purple shirt. Kramer's eating a sandwich heartily. George looks 
               as if he might
 
               never want to eat again.

               
                             GEORGE
               My father opened his shirt...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, and?

               
                             GEORGE
               (nods to Kramer) Tell him, Kramer.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (matter of fact) He had breasts.

               
               George nods, Jerry has a confused expression. Kramer keeps on 
               eating. Jerry
 
               thinks for a moment, George can't even look anyone in the eye.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What d'you mean, breasts?

               
                             GEORGE
               (waves his hands) Big breasts!

               
                             JERRY
               So what? A lot of older men have that.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, not these. These were real hooters.
 
               
               
               Jerry pulls a face at the thought.

               
                             GEORGE
               I was throwing up all night. It was 
               like my own personal Crying Game.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, maybe you're gonna get 'em too, 
               George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (worried) Yeah, that's right. What if 
               it's a genetic thing, like father
 
               
               like son?

               
                             JERRY
               But, your father's not bald.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no no. That skips a generation. 
               The baldness gene comes from your
 
               
               grandfather.

               
                             JERRY
               Then I suppose the bosom gene comes 
               from your grandmother.
 
               
               George snaps his finger and points, in agreement with Jerry. 
               He continues to
 
               look deeply worried.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, Frank can't be too comfortable 
               with those things clanging
 
               around. He should wear something for support.

               
                             GEORGE
               You mean like a bra?

               
                             KRAMER
               A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about 
               a support undergarment
 
               specifically designed for men.

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, that brain never stops working, 
               does it?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with 
               this.
 
               
               Kramer leaves. A buxom blonde woman in a purple shirt is making 
               her way to the
 
               door, as she passes the booth she notices George.

               
                             BUXOM WOMAN
               (indicating her shirt with her finger) 
               Hey, we're twins.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (thinking she means the breasts) What!!
 
               
               
                             BUXOM WOMAN
               Our shirts. They're the same.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, Huh, imagine that.

               
               The woman smiles and leaves. Elaine enters Monk's and comes over 
               to Jerry. She's
 
               not happy about something.

               
                             ELAINE
               (to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the 
               doorman?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What? Nothing.

               
                             ELAINE
               (sitting beside Jerry) He claims that 
               you followed him home, and started
 
               
               harassing him.

               
                             JERRY
               What has this guy got a personal vendetta 
               with me?! What'd I do to him?
 
               'Cos I asked him about the Knicks?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, did you make the movie?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               You wanna go tonight? You can pick me 
               up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright. Can we go to a later show, 
               so he's off his shift when I come by?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our 
               lives to avoid the doorman?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, we do.

               
               Elaine looks over at George, wondering what he's doing. George 
               is holding the
 
               neck of his shirt open, and is peering down the inside of the 
               garment at his
 
               chest. As Elaine and Jerry watch, George jiggles his upper body, 
               to see if
 
               there's any movement.

               
                             ELAINE
               What is wrong with George?

               
                             JERRY
               He's... trying to get something off 
               his chest.
 
               
               George ends his experiment, and rises to leave. He digs in his 
               wallet to pay the
 
               cheque.

               
                             GEORGE
               (agitated) Alright, I gotta try and 
               talk my mother into taking him off
 
               
               my hands.

               
               
               (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)

               
               Jerry enters from the street, only to find the unpleasant doorman 
               standing
 
               inside the lobby. The doorman's demeanour hasn't improved.

               
                             DOORMAN
               Help you?

               
                             JERRY
               (jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you 
               doing here? You're supposed to be
 
               
               gone.

               
                             DOORMAN
               I traded shifts with the night doorman. 
               He had some personal affairs to
 
               attend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each 
               other. We don't
 
               stab each other in the back, like people in your world.

               
                             JERRY
               (trying to ease the tension) Look, I 
               don't want any trouble. I don't have
 
               
               a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking 
               to them. I'd
 
               really just like to be friends.

               
                             DOORMAN
               You wanna be friends?

               
                             JERRY
               I'd like to be.

               
                             DOORMAN
               Then watch the door for a minute, would 
               you?
 
               
               The doorman swaps places with Jerry, putting Jerry beside the 
               counter.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             DOORMAN
               Yeah, I just wanna run and get a beer. 
               I'll be back in a minute.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do 
               I do?
 
               
                             DOORMAN
               It's not brain surgery. You open the 
               door for people who live here.
 
               And, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his 
               hat) Here.
 
               (putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
               The doorman goes out the door. Jerry takes off the hat, which 
               he's not thrilled
 
               about wearing, and leans on the counter. The doors of an elevator 
               open, and a
 
               young woman pushing a baby buggy emerges and heads for the exit. 
               After a second,
 
               Jerry realises his job. He puts on the hat and opens the door 
               to allow the woman
 
               to leave. AS he opens the door, a man enters and strolls past 
               Jerry into the
 
               elevator vacated by the woman.

               
                             JERRY
               (to the man in the elevator) Hey, hey. 
               Wait a second. Hey! Hello!
 
               
               The man takes no notice of Jerry, the doors close. The street 
               door opens and
 
               another, older guy, enters. Jerry moves and challenges him.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?
 
               
               
                             MR. GREEN
               (indignant) Of course I live here. I've 
               lived here for twenty years.
 
               Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and 
               have you arrested.
 
               
               Jerry steps aside and motions for the guy to carry on into the 
               building, but he
 
               looks resentful about it.

               
                             JERRY
               (after the guy) You think you're better 
               than me?
 
               
               
               (Bus)

               
               George is riding the bus. As the vehicle travels along the street, 
               it rattles,
 
               shakes and shudders like all poorly maintained public transport. 
               George is
 
               strap-hanging, and he gets a worried look as he feels there might 
               be some
 
               movement on his chest. He puts his hands on his chest, then notices 
               another guy
 
               on the buss looking at him. Self-consciously, George pulls his 
               coat tight shut,
 
               and crosses his arms firmly.

               
               
               (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)

               
               Jerry is standing behind the counter, reading the doorman's newspaper. 
               A FedEx
 
               delivery guy enters with a package, lays it on the counter and 
               scans a barcode
 
               on it with a little device he takes from his pocket. Jerry watches,
 
               
               disinterested. There is a brief pause, as the FedEx guy waits 
               for something.
 
               
                             DELIVERY GUY
               (indicating) You have to sign for it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, right.

               
               Jerry takes the FedEx guy's pen and signs for the package, then 
               goes back to the
 
               newspaper.

               
                             DELIVERY GUY
               (with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those 
               Knicks, huh?
 
               
               Jerry gives the guy a hostile look, much as the doorman might.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

               
               The FedEx guy leaves, looking a touch unhappy at Jerry's attitude. 
               Jerry puts
 
               the paper down, and goes to have a look through the door. There's 
               no sign of the
 
               doorman, so Jerry tosses the hat onto the counter, dismissing 
               it with a wave of
 
               the hand as he moves to the elevator.

               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               Frank opens the door, to reveal Kramer, carrying a large portable 
               record player.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. I uh, brought back your record 
               player, huh.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Thank you, Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             FRANK
               (indicating a chair) Put it over there.
 
               
               
               Kramer dumps the record player on the chair. Frank goes to the 
               couch, not moving
 
               very easily.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, how you feeling?

               
                             FRANK
               Tired.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh huh. Your back hurt?

               
                             FRANK
               How did you know?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's obvious, you know. You're 
               carrying a lot of extra baggage up
 
               
               there.

               
                             FRANK
               (looks down, and indicates his chest) 
               Up here?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. Top floor. (sits beside Frank) 
               Listen, Frank, have you ever
 
               considered wearing something for support? Now, look at this. 
               (reaches into his
 
               pocket) Mind you, this is just a prototype.

               
               Kramer brings out a garment constructed of canvas and elasticated 
               fabric.
 
               
                             FRANK
               You want me to wear a bra?!

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no. A bra is for ladies.

               
               Kramer holds the garment up to his own chest.

               
                             KRAMER
               Meet, the bro.

               
               
               (Estelle's Car)

               
               Estelle is driving a preoccupied-looking George.

               
                             ESTELLE
               So, is your father excited about coming 
               home?
 
               
               George is miles away.

               
                             ESTELLE
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               (broaching a subject) Hey mom. What 
               kind of woman was grandma?
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               All of a sudden you're interested in 
               your grandmother?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know. You get to a certain 
               point, you wanna know about your
 
               roots.

               
                             ESTELLE
               She was a lovely woman.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yuh. What about physically?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Physically?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, you know, what'd she uh, look 
               like?
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, you've seen pictures.

               
                             GEORGE
               (to himself) You can't tell much from 
               those pictures.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               So what?

               
                             GEORGE
               Was she uh, was she a big, uh woman?
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Big? No, just my height.

               
                             GEORGE
               Bosomy?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Bosomy? You wanna know if your grandmother 
               was bosomy?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (trying to laugh it off) No, I was just 
               wondering. The information could
 
               be relevant.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Where do you get your genes from?!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (to himself) That's what I'd like to 
               know.
 
               
               
               (Elevator, Mr. Pitt's Building)

               
               Elaine and Jerry ride down.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe you left your post.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He left me there. You see the mind games?
 
               
               
               The bell rings as they reach the lobby, and the doors open.
 
               
               
               
               (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)

               
               Elaine and Jerry emerge into the lobby to find four or five tenants 
               standing
 
               around, and a uniformed cop taking notes.

               
                             ELAINE
               (to one of the tenants) Hey, what's 
               up? What's going on here?
 
               
                             TENANT 1
               Somebody stole the couch out of the 
               lobby.
 
               
               Jerry and Elaine look shocked.

               
                             TENANT 2
               Where's the doorman? How come someone 
               wasn't watching the door?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get 
               out of here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
               Elaine and Jerry depart the scene of the crime in some haste.
 
               
               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               Frank's cha-cha record is playing loudly on the record player. 
               Frank and Kramer
 
               are half-dancing to the music, as Frank tries on the bro. Kramer 
               stands behind
 
               Frank, making adjustments to the garment. The door opens and 
               George and Estelle
 
               enter. They see the dancing twosome, and the undergarment, and 
               look stunned.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               (shocked) Oh, my god!

               
               George is frozen, staring. Kramer carries on dancing, behind 
               a relatively
 
               unfazed Frank.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               The lighting, with moonlight coming through the blinds, and Elaine's 
               red dress,
 
               give a very noirish look to the scene.

               
                             ELAINE
               What were you doing watching the door 
               anyway?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He asked me to. We were getting along.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (thinking) You know, my fingerprints 
               are all over this. That doorman
 
               knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll 
               tell Mr.
 
               Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep.

               
                             JERRY
               Don't you find it odd that as soon as 
               he leaves, the couch gets stolen?
 
               
               Maybe he's setting me up!

               
                             ELAINE
               (taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut 
               up. Just let me think. I gotta
 
               think. We gotta get our story straight.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, well what if we say...

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This 
               is what we'll tell 'em. You came
 
               to pick me up...

               
                             JERRY
               I came to pick you up.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. That's what I just said.

               
                             JERRY
               I know. I was just...

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I know what you were just. It's 
               not helping.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, well. Just, start again, then.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, you came to pick me up at...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Right.

               
                             ELAINE
               You see? Again.

               
                             JERRY
               What? I said right.

               
               Elaine give Jerry a look like he's an idiot.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, you came right upstairs, without 
               talking to the doorman.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But the doorman's gonna say that I was 
               there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe 
               a doorman!
 
               
                             JERRY
               But I don't know if this is gonna work.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (aggressive, with finger pointing) Just 
               stick with the story. We'll be
 
               fine. Let me do the talking!

               
                             JERRY
               Okay.

               
                             ELAINE
               Good. Now fix me a drink.

               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               Frank has his shirt back on, over the bro.

               
                             KRAMER
               How's that feel?

               
                             FRANK
               This feels very comfortable.

               
                             KRAMER
               You see?

               
                             FRANK
               I feel ten years younger.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, and your posture's a lot better. 
               Look at you.
 
               
               Frank walks a few paces.

               
                             FRANK
               And I can breathe easier, too.

               
                             KRAMER
               I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's 
               what I'm thinking. Now, you have
 
               a friend in the bra business, right?

               
                             FRANK
               Of course. Sid Farkus. He's the best 
               in the business.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (claps his hands) Here's our chance. 
               What d'you say? It'll be me, you
 
               and the bro, bro.

               
                             FRANK
               Let's do it!

               
               Kramer and Frank share an elaborate and forceful handshake.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Except, we gotta do something about 
               the name.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why, what's wrong with bro?

               
                             FRANK
               No, bro's no good. Too ethnic.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, you got something better?
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               How 'bout uh... the mansiere?

               
                             KRAMER
               Mansiere?

               
                             FRANK
               That's right. A brassiere for a man. 
               The mansiere, get it?
 
               
               George enters, unhappy. He tosses his keys aside.

               
                             GEORGE
               (upset) Well, you've scared her off. 
               We may never see mom again.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Hey George, what d'you like better? 
               The bro, or the mansiere?
 
               
               George looks down at the floor for a few seconds.

               
                             GEORGE
               Dad. We need to talk.

               
               
               (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)

               
               The unpleasant doorman is being grilled by a severe looking Mrs. 
               Payton.
 
               
                             DOORMAN
               I had to use the bathroom, so I asked 
               this guy to watch the door for a
 
               few minutes.

               
               Behind Mrs. Payton, Elaine enters from the street and strolls 
               to the elevator.
 
               
                             MRS. PAYTON
               Why should I believe you?

               
                             DOORMAN
               (indicating Elaine) Actually, it was 
               her friend.
 
               
               Elaine turns as she hears this, and Mrs. Payton goes to talk 
               to her. Elaine
 
               looks a tad worried at first but, of course, she has a plan.
 
               
               
                             MRS. PAYTON
               I was just speaking to the doorman here, 
               about the couch robbery.
 
               
               The doorman peers over at the conversing

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh really? (skeptical) The doorman. 
               And, pray tell, what did the doorman
 
               
               say?

               
                             MRS. PAYTON
               He said he asked a friend of yours to 
               watch the door.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (dismissive) Oh, my. Well, the doorman 
               certainly has a wild imagination,
 
               
               doesn't he?

               
               Meanwhile, the doorman has discovered something behind the counter. 
               He brings
 
               out the FedEx package Jerry signed for and carried it toward 
               Mrs. Payton.
 
               
                             DOORMAN
               Well... what do we have here? Perhaps 
               Miss Benes could explain why a
 
               Jerry Seinfeld signed for this package (handing the package to 
               Mrs. Payton) at
 
               the exact same time the couch was stolen.

               
               Mrs. Payton and the doorman both look at Elaine. Elaine looks 
               sick, as she's
 
               caught out.

               
                             ELAINE
               (in a rush) He never watched a door 
               before, Mrs Payton, he didn't know
 
               
               how to do it. (pleading) You know, he's a comedian, Mrs Payton, 
               they don't know
 
               how to do anything.

               
               The doorman walks silently away with the package and a quiet 
               smile of triumph.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (desperate) Don't you see what's going 
               on here? He set us up. He's
 
               playing all these mindgames.

               
               The doorman stands behind his counter, smiling at Elaine's discomfiture.
 
               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry and a downcast George sit one side of a booth, with an 
               animated Elaine
 
               facing them.

               
                             JERRY
               You're saying I'm responsible for the 
               couch?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (worked up) There was nothing I could 
               do. He said he had a Federal
 
               Express slip with your signature on it.

               
                             JERRY
               (livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything. 
               He was setting me up from
 
               day one!

               
                             ELAINE
               Is it possible we were victims of a 
               sting?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm sure he's having a good laugh over 
               this with his doorman buddies.
 
               
               Jerry stares off, as he imagines...

               
               
               (Jerry's Imagination)

               
               In the lobby of Mr. Pitt's building, a bunch of doormen stand 
               around the
 
               unpleasant doorman, laughing at his tale.

               
                             DOORMAN 2
               So, you didn't even (indistinct) watch 
               the couch?
 
               
                             DOORMAN
               No. I was just messing with his head.
 
               
               
                             DOORMAN 2
               And they think they're better than us?
 
               
               
               The doormen whoop it up again

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry has an expression of pure hatred for all doormen.

               
                             ELAINE
               Anyway, Jerry... Jerry?

               
               Jerry snaps back to the here and now.

               
                             ELAINE
               We have to replace the couch.

               
                             JERRY
               Now we have to buy a new couch?!

               
               A thought occurs to George.

               
                             GEORGE
               (crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't 
               you take back the couch you gave me?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The one with the Poppie stain?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, sure. (big smile) Then my father 
               will have no place to sleep.
 
               (snaps fingers) He's gotta move out.

               
                             ELAINE
               But it's got a pee-stain on it.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, the cushion's turned over.

               
                             ELAINE
               (not sure) I guess.

               
                             GEORGE
               (enthusiastic) Yeah. You get a couch. 
               I get rid of my father. It
 
               couldn't be more perfect!

               
               
               (Sid Farkus' Office)

               
               Sid Farkus sits behind his desk, in front of which sit Kramer 
               and Frank. Kramer
 
               is holding his invention as they pitch it to Farkus.

               
                             KRAMER
               Now, it's called the bro.

               
                             FRANK
               Or, the mansiere.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but I prefer the bro.

               
                             FRANK
               I like mansiere.

               
               Kramer puts the bro on the desk.

               
                             FARKUS
               Well, I have to tell you, it's a very 
               interesting idea.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             FARKUS
               You know, selling bras exclusively to 
               women, we're really only utilising
 
               
               fifty percent of the market.

               
                             FRANK
               (to Kramer) That's what we figured, 
               huh?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (to Frank) I told you.

               
                             FARKUS
               And, to be perfectly frank, I've always 
               felt I could use some support. I
 
               know, when I'm wearing Banlon, there appears to be some jiggling.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               (vehement) I wouldn't be caught dead 
               in Banlon.
 
               
               Kramer shakes his head at the very thought of Banlon.

               
                             FARKUS
               (indicating the bro) So uh, what d'you 
               see in the back? Hooks? Velcro?
 
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh.

               
                             FRANK
               Definitely velcro.

               
               Farkus gives a questioning look to Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Say you're getting intimate with a woman 
               uh, you don't want her fumbling
 
               and struggling back there.

               
               The three of them chuckle at the thought.

               
                             KRAMER
               I think we've all experienced that.
 
               
               
               They share a manly laugh.

               
                             FARKUS
               Summer nights.

               
               The laughter continues for a moment.

               
                             KRAMER
               (pointing at Farkus) Very funny.

               
                             FARKUS
               Well, I still have to talk about this 
               to Mr. Degrunmont...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Of course, yes.

               
                             FARKUS
               ...But, barring any unforeseen developments, 
               gentlemen, I think we're
 
               sitting on a winner.

               
               Farkus offers his hand. Kramer shakes, and then takes his prototype 
               and moves
 
               toward the door. Frank then shakes Farkus' hand.

               
                             FARKUS
               (sympathy) Frank, I wanna tell you how 
               sorry I am to hear about you and
 
               Estelle separating.

               
               Kramer hovers behind Frank, waiting to leave.

               
                             FRANK
               Oh, thank you, Sid, but that's all in 
               the past. I'm ready to move on.
 
               
                             FARKUS
               (thoughtful) I've always been very fond 
               of Estelle. Beautiful woman. I
 
               uh, I hope you don't think uh, this is out of line, but would 
               it be okay with
 
               you, if I were to ask her out?

               
                             FRANK
               (anger) You wanna go out with my wife?! 
               (rage) Where do you get the nerve
 
               
               to ask me something like that?!

               
                             FARKUS
               Oh, no, Frank, I was just saying...
 
               
               
               Kramer tries to calm Frank down.

               
                             FRANK
               I know what you're saying, and I know 
               what you're thinking!!
 
               
                             FARKUS
               No, Frank...

               
                             FRANK
               C'mon, Cosmo, I'm not doing business 
               with this guy.
 
               
               Frank storms out in a rage. Kramer gives Farkus an 'I'll calm 
               him down' look and
 
               follows Frank out the door.

               
                             KRAMER
               Frank!

               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               Frank and Kramer have just arrived, to find George packing a 
               suitcase.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry took the couch back.

               
                             FRANK
               He took it back? Didn't you tell him 
               I was using it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I pleaded with him.

               
                             FRANK
               Where am I supposed to sleep?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I took the liberty of packing 
               your things. (gleeful) Mom's coming
 
               
               to get you.

               
                             KRAMER
               I thought Jerry didn't want that couch, 
               because of the stain?
 
               
               George waves at Kramer to shut the hell up.

               
                             FRANK
               What stain?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you didn't notice? It has a pee-stain.
 
               
               
               George bites his lip and shakes his head.

               
                             FRANK
               (disbelief) You had me sleeping on a 
               pee-stained couch?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (light) No. No, no, no. The cushion 
               was turned over.
 
               
                             FRANK
               (anger) But, the very idea. you had 
               me lying in urine!!
 
               
               George flashes Kramer an aggrieved look. There is a knock at 
               the door.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah! There's mom, there's mom.

               
               George races over and opens the door.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Is it safe to come in?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, of course. (motioning Estelle to 
               enter) Of course.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               You're not having any of your transvestite 
               parties?
 
               
                             FRANK
               Will you stop it?

               
                             ESTELLE
               (to Kramer) I lived with him for forty 
               years, I never saw him trying on
 
               my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. 
               Edgar Hoover!
 
               
               As Estelle speaks, Frank goes into the bedroom and brings out 
               the record player.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Here, Cosmo...

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey.

               
                             FRANK
               ...You can have the hi-fi. (hands it 
               over) I don't need it now...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Awright, I got it.

               
                             FRANK
               ...I got one at home.

               
               George is helping Frank on with his coat, a happy smile beaming 
               from his face.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Alright, let's go.

               
               Kramer opens the door.

               
                             FRANK
               We'll go out for dinner tonight.

               
                             ESTELLE
               I can't tonight, I'm busy.

               
                             FRANK
               What d'you mean, busy?

               
                             ESTELLE
               I'm having dinner with someone.

               
                             FRANK
               With whom?

               
               George drapes the coat across Frank's shoulders.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Sid Farkus.

               
                             FRANK
               (anger) Sid Farkus?! You're not having 
               dinner with a bra salesman.
 
               
               George has picked up Frank's three suitcases, and is all ready 
               to help carry
 
               them out to the car.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Hey, he only sells them. He doesn't 
               wear 'em.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Okay, that's it! I'm not coming home!
 
               
               
               Frank sits down in a chair. George's face drops.

               
                             GEORGE
               (upset) But you can't stay here. There's 
               no place to sleep!
 
               
                             FRANK
               We'll work something out.

               
               George drops the cases in disappointment.

               
               
               (Street)

               
               The German sightseeing bus comes to a halt at the kerb. Kramer 
               comes around the
 
               corner, carrying the record player in his arms. An elderly woman, 
               one of the
 
               witnesses to the 'mugging' of George, recognises Kramer as he 
               passes. She climbs
 
               out of the bus and points after Kramer.

               
                             GERMAN WOMAN
               Stop him! Ja, ja, ja, it's him!

               
               Kramer looks back at the sound and sees the woman coming after 
               him. He turns
 
               back and continues walking. The other German tourists get off 
               the bus and join
 
               the woman as she follows Kramer.

               
                             GERMAN WOMAN
               Stop that man! It's him.

               
               Kramer looks worried and continues to carry his record player, 
               pushing past
 
               bystanders as the tourists close on him.

               
                             GERMAN WOMAN
               Somebody, stop him! Please, quick. Stop, 
               it's him. I know, I know.
 
               Help. Stop him.

               
               Kramer dives into a doorway, but the doors are locked, so he's 
               trapped by the
 
               tourists, who block his escape.

               
                             HORST
               Hey, hey. (pointing) That record player 
               is not yours.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Now, look. Somebody gave it to me.
 
               
               
                             HORST
               You're a thief. We have proof.

               
               Horst spots the straps of the bro hanging from Kramer's pocket.
 
               
               
                             HORST
               What is that?

               
               Kramer puts down the record player and brings out the bro. He 
               holds it up
 
               against his body, to illustrate his words.

               
                             KRAMER
               The first upper-body support undergarment, 
               specifically designed for
 
               men.

               
               One of the tourists nudges another, portlier, tourist on the 
               shoulder at
 
               Kramer's explanation.

               
                             HORST
               How does it connect in the back? With 
               a hook?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, no, no. (demonstrates) Here, velcro.
 
               
               
               The portlier German reaches for Kramer's bro. The tourists are 
               all looking much
 
               more jovial.

               
                             HORST
               (to the portly German) Ooh, (indistinct 
               German) ...keine problem, ah?
 
               
               The tourists laugh uproariously, with Kramer joining in, and 
               the portly German
 
               holding the bro up to himself.

               
                             HORST
               Is gut, ja?

               
               
               (Lobby, Mr. Pitt's Building)

               
               Jerry and Elaine have just dropped off the couch into the lobby. 
               Mrs. Payton
 
               regards it critically. The doorman stands in the background as 
               the delivery men
 
               leave.

               
                             MRS. PAYTON
               Well, I suppose it'll have to do.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's a beautiful couch.

               
                             JERRY
               It's hardly been used.

               
               Elaine and Mrs. Payton walk away together. An elevator arrives, 
               and a familiar
 
               character steps out and is noticed by Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Poppie!

               
                             POPPIE
               Oh, hello, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               What're you doing here?

               
                             POPPIE
               Visiting my friend.

               
                             JERRY
               Ohh. Hey, how you feeling?

               
                             POPPIE
               Oh, much better, much better. The doctors 
               say I cannot have no
 
               aggravation.

               
                             JERRY
               Hmm.

               
                             POPPIE
               So, I sell the restaurant, uh? I just 
               take it easy. See, if I get
 
               excited, 'ats aggravated my condition. The last time I got aggravated, 
               was in
 
               the restaurant. With your friend.

               
               Poppie holds his hands out, indicating someone of Elaine's height. 
               Jerry nods,
 
               remembering and in sympathy.

               
                             POPPIE
               She start the big fight, about abortion.
 
               
               
               Elaine comes back over to Jerry and the couch. Poppie spots her 
               approach, and is
 
               not happy.

               
                             POPPIE
               It's you! It's you!

               
                             ELAINE
               Wha...?

               
                             POPPIE
               You! I... I gotta sit down!

               
               Poppie, aggravated, moves toward the couch.

               
                             JERRY
               No, Poppie! No!!

               
               Poppie sinks onto the couch, despite the pleas, and horrified 
               expressions, of
 
               Jerry and Elaine.

               
               (George's Apartment)

               
               George sits up in bed reading a magazine. Frank enters, carrying 
               a small bowl.
 
               George puts his magazine to one side, as Frank carefully climbs 
               into bed whilst
 
               keeping hold of the bowl. George takes off his glasses, as Frank 
               settles back.
 
               Picking up a spoon from the bowl Frank is about to eat, when 
               a thought occurs.
 
               Carefully, Frank reaches over with the spoon, to offer George 
               a taste.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Kasha?

               
               George looks disdainfully at the spoonful. A few morsels have 
               fallen onto the
 
               bedclothes, George picks them up and puts them back into Frank's 
               bowl.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No. Thanks, dad.

               
               Wearily, George puts his glasses on the bedside table, and switches 
               off his bedside lamp, bringing darkness to the room. George shuffles 
               down beneath the bedclothes, to get comfortable, just as Frank switches
               on his bedside lamp.
 
               Exasperated, George lifts his pillow and places it over his own 
               face, as Frank continues to eat his kasha.

               
               
               
                              THE END




The Doorman



Writers :   Tom Gammill  Max Pross
Genres :   Comedy


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