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Movie Chat



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                           THE ENGAGEMENT



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (George's Apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell 
               you what your problem is: You brought 
               your queen out too fast. What do you 
               think? She's one of these feminists 
               looking to get out of the house? No, 
               the queen is old fashioned. . Likes 
               to stay home. Cook. Take care of her 
               man. Make sure he feels good.
 
               
                             LIZ
               Checkmate.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't think we should see each other 
               any more.
 
               
               
               
               (At Elaine's. She's trying to get some rest.)
               (dogs barking)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Shut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
                             JERRY
               And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat 
               you at chess? That's pretty sick.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't see how I could perform sexually 
               in a situation after something like 
               that. I was completely emasculated. 
               Anyway, it's not the only reason.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, what else?

               
                             GEORGE
               All right. You wanna know what one of 
               her favorite expressions is? Happy, 
               Pappy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Happy, Pappy? What does that mean?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased 
               with something, she'll say, "Happy, 
               Pappy?"
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you're "Pappy".

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm "Pappy".

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I get it. Why don't you just say 
               it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, come on. What, are you kidding?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm much more comfortable criticizing 
               people behind their backs. Anyway, look 
               who's talking. You just broke up with 
               with Melanie last week because she "shuushed 
               you" while you were watching TV.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I got a real thing about "shushing"!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What is this? Did you ever get the feeling 
               like you've had a haircut but you didn't 
               have one? I'm all itchy back here.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ahh.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               What is this? What are we doing? What 
               in god's name are we doing?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               OUR LIVES!! What kind of lives are these? 
               We're like children. We're not men.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, we're not. We're not men.

               
                             JERRY
               We come up with all these stupid reasons 
               to break up with these women.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know. I know. That's what I do. That's 
               what I do.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are we going to be sitting here when 
               we're sixty like two idiots?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               We should be having dinner with our 
               sons when we're sixty.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We're pathetic.. you know that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why can't I be normal?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It would be nice to care about someone.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. Yes. Care. You know who I think 
               about a lot? Remember Susan? The one 
               that used to work for NBC?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hmm. I thought she became a lesbian.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No. It didn't take.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did I tell you I ran into her last week? 
               Ho-ho, she looked great.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hmm.

               
                             GEORGE
               You thought she was good looking, right?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               See, there you go again. What is the 
               difference what I think?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I was just curious.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, this is it. I'm really gonna do 
               something about my life, you know? You 
               know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie 
               again. So what if she shushed me.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I am really gonna make some changes.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. Changes.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm serious about it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Think I'M not?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not kidding.

               
                             GEORGE
               Me too.

               
               
               
               (At Jerry's. He's on the phone)

               
                             JERRY
               Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity. 
               Oh, it was just an expression. All right, 
               well, that's very sweet of you. Okay, 
               I'll call you later. All right, bye. 
               Hey!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               I had a very interesting lunch with 
               George Costanza today.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               We were talking about our lives and 
               we both kind of realized we're kids. 
               We're not men.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So, then you asked yourselves, "Isn't 
               there something more to life?"
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes. We did.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. 
               There isn't.
 
               
                             JERRY
               There isn't?

               
                             KRAMER
               Absolutely not. I mean, what are you 
               thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well...

               
                             KRAMER
               They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're 
               doing time. You get up in the morning. 
               She's there. You go to sleep at night. 
               She's there. It's like you gotta ask 
               permission to use the bathroom. Is it 
               all right if I use the bathroom now?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, and you can forget about watching 
               TV while you're eating.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's 
               dinner time. And you know what you do 
               at dinner?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               You talk about your day. How was your 
               day today? Did you have a good day today 
               or a bad day today? Well, what kind 
               of day was it? Well, I don't know. How 
               about you? How was your day?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boy.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of 
               affairs..
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm glad we had this talk.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you have no idea.

               
               
               
               (Apiphany - on the pier)

               
                             GEORGE
               La-la-la...

               
               
               
               (Jerry's. Elaine pops in, she looks like something the cat just 
               dragged in)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Three hours of sleep again last night.. 
               Three hours of sleep because of that 
               dog.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What dog?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. What dog?

               
                             ELAINE
               This dog in the courtyard across from 
               my bedroom window that never never stops 
               barking..
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Don't...

               
                             ELAINE
               I lost my voice screaming at this thing. 
               I can't sleep. I can't work. I mean, 
               I just moved. I can't move again. What 
               am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna 
               do?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, there is something you can do.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What? Kramer:, I'll do anything.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what if there should be an unfortunate 
               accident?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're going to rub out the dog?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no. Not me. I just happen to know 
               someone who specializes in exactely 
               these kinds of sticky situations.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh-huh.

               
                             JERRY
               What, you're considering this?

               
                             KRAMER
               Look, just meet with him. ?????.

               
               
               
               (Newman's - dark and dangerous)

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't really know why I'm here. Kramer 
               talked me into coming up here. But, 
               obviously, I could never really do anything.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Of course. Obviously.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting 
               your time.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               What kind of dog did you say it was?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Um, I don't know. I've never really 
               seen it.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll 
               bet there's not one type of mutt or 
               mongrel I haven't run across.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               If you ask me, they have no business 
               living amongst us. Vile, USELESS BEASTS 
               . . .
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Newman! Stop it!!

               
                             NEWMAN
               Anyway.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Well um, I was just curious if 
               I were interested in availing myself 
               of your services, um, what exactly would 
               you do?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, Elaine, there's any number of 
               things I could do. But, I can promise 
               you this, though, this vicious beast 
               will never bother you again. So, what's 
               it going to be?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I'm sorry. I can't hurt a dog. I 
               can't hurt a dog. I can't.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I got it. We'll kidnap him . and we'll 
               drop him off Upstate and this way he 
               won't bother you anymore and he won't 
               get hurt.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah, I suppose.

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'd have to think about it. I doubt 
               it, though. I doubt it. I'll let you 
               know.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Of course. Take your time. I'll be here.
 
               
               
               
               
                             
               is still at the pier. His thoughts shift 
               somewhat.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               La-la-la-la-la-la-la! (flashbacks to 
               Susan)
 
               
               
               
               (Elaine's - makes phone call)

               
                             ELAINE
               All right. Let's do it.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Excellent. Excellent.

               
               
               
               (Restaurant)

               
                             JERRY
               How come you're eating your peas one 
               at a time?
 
               
               Melanie I'm sorry.

               
               
               
               (Susan's)

               
                             SUSAN
               Who is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's George:.

               
                             SUSAN
               George:? George:, what is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Will you marry me?

               
               
               
               (George is on the phone.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Ma, guess what!

               
                             MRS. C
               Oh, my god!

               
                             GEORGE
               No, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married.
 
               
               
                             MRS. C
               You're what?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm getting married?

               
                             MRS. C
               Oh, my god! You're getting married?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes!

               
                             MRS. C
               Oh, I can't believe it. Frank, come 
               here.
 
               
                             FRANK
               You come here.

               
                             MRS. C
               Georgie's getting married.

               
                             FRANK
               What?

               
                             MRS. C
               Georgie's getting married.

               
               Frank Get the hell out of here. He's getting married?

               
               Mrs. C Yes.

               
               Frank To a woman?

               
                             MRS. C
               Of course to a woman. What's she look 
               like?
 
               
                             FRANK
               I'm sure she's pretty gorgeous.

               
                             GEORGE
               What difference does it make what she 
               looks like?
 
               
                             MRS. C
               Is she pretty?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, she's pretty. What difference does 
               it make?
 
               
                             MRS. C
               Oh, I'm just curious.

               
                             FRANK
               She's not pretty?

               
                             MRS. C
               Let me talk to her.

               
                             GEORGE
               She wants to talk to you.

               
                             SUSAN
               : Uh, hello?

               
                             MRS. C
               Congratulations!

               
                             SUSAN
               : I just want you to know that I love 
               your son very much.
 
               
                             MRS. C
               You do?

               
                             SUSAN
               : Yes.

               
               Mrs. C Really?

               
                             SUSAN
               : Yes.

               
                             MRS. C
               May I ask why?

               
               Frank Okay...

               
                             MRS. C
               Will you stop. I'm on the telephone.
 
               
               
                             FRANK 
               Can I talk to her, please?

               
               
               
               (Outside Jer's and Cosmo's apt.)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey!

               
                             JERRY
               What are you up to?

               
                             KRAMER
               Nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               What's the rope for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh! Well, How do you like that. I got 
               rope. Um, I gotta go.
 
               
                             JERRY
               The dog. You're getting the dog.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Kramer:, where are you going?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Don't go. Kramer:! Come back. I got 
               great news. Well, I did it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Did what?

               
                             GEORGE
               I got engaged. I'm getting married. 
               I asked Susan: to marry me. We're getting 
               married this Christmas.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're getting married?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, my god!

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm a man. Jerry:, I'm a man. And do 
               you know why? It's because of that talk 
               we had. You were my inspiration. Do 
               you believe it? You. That lunch was 
               the defining moment of my life.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm blown away.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're blown?

               
                             JERRY
               Wow!

               
                             GEORGE
               You like that?

               
                             JERRY
               And she said "Yes"?

               
                             GEORGE
               It took a couple of hours of convincing. 
               I was just like those guys in the movies. 
               And it worked! She said "Yes"! I can't 
               believe my luck that she was still available 
               . A beautiful woman like that. You think 
               she's good looking, right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're gonna have gorgeous kids.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Pinkish hue?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, she's got the hue. So, what's going 
               on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know 
               you're not getting married, but uh, 
               things are happening?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well...actually, we kind of broke up.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You what?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you know, we were having dinner 
               the other night, and she's got this 
               strangest habit. She eats her peas one 
               at a time. You've never seen anything 
               like it. It takes her an hour to finish 
               them. I mean, we've had dinner other 
               times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. 
               4But she scooped them.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               . . . she scooped her niblets?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes. That's what was so vexing.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               What happened to the pact? We were both 
               gonna change. We shook hands on a pact. 
               9Did you not shake my hand on it uh?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You stuck your hand out, so I shook 
               it. I don't know about a pact. Anyway, 
               you should be happy you're engaged. 
               You're getting married.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it's not that. I just, you know, 
               I thought that we were both uh...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You thought I was gonna get married?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, maybe not married, but...

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, you love Susan: , right?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               You want to spend the rest of your life 
               with her
 
               
                             GEORGE
               . . . . . . Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. It doesn't make any difference.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm 
               tonight?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               I'll pick you up at your apartment. 
               We'll go to the Eight.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! 
               How about some champagne?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Champagne?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? 
               Come on!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay! Alright!

               
                             JERRY
               You know what? No champagne. . . . I'll 
               see you later.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
               
               
               (Night outside)

               
                             ELAINE
               That's it. That's it. Stop right here.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               All right, give me the rope.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? What do you need a rope for?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Look, I don't have time to explain every 
               little thing to you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. Now, I'm thinking maybe 
               we shouldn't do this.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I knew you'd back out.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer:, are we doing a bad thing?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, Look at it this way. We drop the 
               dog off in front of somebody's house 
               in the country. They find it and adopt 
               it. Now the dog is prancing in the fields. 
               Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. . Dandelions. 
               We're doing this dog a real favor.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. That's him.

               
                             NEWMAN
               All right. I'm going in. Keep the motor 
               running.
 
               
               
               
                             
               's.)

               
                             JERRY
               Ready?

               
                             GEORGE
               Um, I don't uh, really think I can go.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, how come?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I didn't really tell Susan: about 
               it, and she doesn't really have anything 
               else to do.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, she could come.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, she doesn't really want to see 
               Firestorm.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
                             GEORGE
               She um, she wants to see The Muted Heart.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally 
               Field. Well, that should be good.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. see you later.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, wait a second. You know, we could 
               share a cab. They're playing at the 
               same Cineplex.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               George, better get read

               
                             GEORGE
               I am ready.

               
                             SUSAN
               You wearing that shirt?.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, I guess I'll see you down there.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay.

               
               
               
               (In the van.)

               
                             ELAINE
               What time you got?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, no. I don't wear a watch.

               
                             ELAINE
               What do you do?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I tell time by the sun.

               
                             ELAINE
               How close do you get?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I can guess within an hour.

               
                             ELAINE
               Tsk. Well, I can guess within the hour, 
               and I don't even have to look at the 
               sun.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, what about at night? What do you 
               do then?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, night's tougher but it's only 
               a couple of hours.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Let's go. Let's go. Move!

               
                             KRAMER
               You got it?

               
                             NEWMAN
               What do you think? Drive. Drive.

               
                             ELAINE
               Where is it? Where is it? This? This 
               is the dog?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Yep.

               
                             ELAINE
               But he's so small.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah, but he's a fighter.

               
                             ELAINE
               That can't be the dog. Are you sure 
               you got the right one?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Look, you said the one in the second 
               courtyard. He was in the second courtyard.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               How could that be the dog?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, get him to bark.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Yeah. I'll know if he barks.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               All right. Bark.

               
                             ELAINE
               Bark.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Bark.

               
               
               
               (At the theater)

               
                             SUSAN
               Did you like it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, it was very, very good.

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, do you think he'll ever find her 
               again?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I sure hope so.

               
                             JERRY
               How about when Harrison Ford jumped 
               out of that plane, and he was shooting 
               back at them as he was falling?
 
               
                             FRIEND
               What about that underwater escape?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, man!

               
               
               
               (In the van)

               
                             KRAMER
               Let's turn the radio on. Maybe there's 
               a news report about it.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               ???????

               
                             ELAINE
               You think we're far enough.

               
                             NEWMAN
               We're practically to Monticello.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. This looks right. All right. Give 
               me the dog. Okay, boy. This is it. This 
               is your new home. Let go of my shirt. 
               Come on. Let go of my shirt. This shirt 
               is from Rudy's.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               's on the phone with his newly imprisoned 
               buddy, Georgie.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hello?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game. 
               You watching this?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They are?

               
                             SUSAN
               George:, you coming to bed? I'm taping 
               mad About You.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What was that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, nothing. I got to go.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Mattingly just sinled .

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, it was really wrong of you 
               to back out on that deal.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't make a deal. I just shook your 
               hand.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, Well that's a deal where I come 
               from.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We come from the same place.

               
                             SUSAN
               George:, I'm starting it.

               
                             GEORGE
               I got to go.

               
               
               
               (At the pooch's pad. )

               
               Lady Roxy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about 
               you. What's this? Hmm. Rudy's.
 
               
               
               
               (Elaine's bedroom - dog barking)

               
                             ELAINE
               No! No! It's impossible. It's impossible.
 
               
               
               
               
                             
               's. )

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. I don't know how it happened. 
               We were practically in Monticello. I 
               mean, how could that thing have found 
               its way back? There's no way.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Very strange.

               
                             ELAINE
               I know.

               
                             JERRY
               So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG 
               mastermind?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I can't Jerry:. 4I'm sworn to secrecy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right. But then I can't tell you 
               the BIG news.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               News? What news?

               
                             JERRY
               Sorry!

               
                             ELAINE
               What? What?

               
                             JERRY
               All right, Elaine but this is beyond 
               news. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or 
               the Kennedy assassination. It's like 
               not even news. It's total shock.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, come on, Jerry:. Please, please, 
               please, please, please!
 
               
                             JERRY
               George Costanza...

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah?

               
                             JERRY
               Is getting married!

               
                             ELAINE
               Get out!

               
               
               
               (Outside kramer's apartmen)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi.

               
                             COP
               You Cosmo Kramer:?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, yes. Yeah.

               
                             COP
               You recognize this piece of fabric?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, that's...

               
                             COP
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             COP
               You're under arrest.

               
                             KRAMER
               Arrest?

               
                             COP
               I have a receipt for a rental car with 
               your signature. Including a report with 
               some damage to the rear seat. It seems 
               the spring was so compressed it completely 
               collapsed the right side..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Newman: .

               
               
               
                             
               's door)

               
                             NEWMAN
               What took you so long?

               
               
               
               (back of a Cop car)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, what do you think they'll do to 
               us?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Ah, don't worry about a thing. In twenty 
               minutes that place'll be swarming with 
               mailmen. We'll be back on the street 
               by lunch.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I gotta make some changes. I'm not a 
               woman. I'm a child. What kind of life 
               is this?
 
               
                             
               (in bed - MAY music)

               
               
               
               
                             THE END




The Engagement



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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