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ALL SCRIPTS





                         THE ENGLISH PATIENT



                             Written by

                             Steve Koren




 
               
               
               (Subway Train)

               
               Jerry and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're 
               both reading
 
               newspapers, when something occurs to Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               You know at the movies, they show that 
               little ad for the concession
 
               stand?

               
                             ELAINE
               Where the cartoon candy's dancing and 
               the Milk Dud's playing the
 
               banjo?

               
                             JERRY
               He's wailing on that banjo.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               I just don't understand the raisinettes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The sax player?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               The box of raisinettes runs up to the 
               concession stand, buys another
 
               box of raisinettes.

               
                             ELAINE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               Box of raisinettes eating another box 
               of raisinettes? It's perverse.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 
               'em for his Pepsi girlfriend.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not 
               having children.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He's a musician.

               
                             JERRY
               Musicians. Get a real job.

               
               They shrug and return to their reading.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               George is sitting at the counter perusing a magazine. The waitress 
               comes over
 
               to take his order.

               
                             WAITRESS
               What d'you want?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, I've had everything on the menu. 
               Uh, surprise me.
 
               
               The waitress disappears out back. George goes back to reading. 
               Behind him, a
 
               beautiful woman enters, and approaches him.

               
                             DANIELLE
               (to George) Neil.

               
               The woman touches George on his shoulder, to get his attention.
 
               
               
                             DANIELLE
               Neil.

               
               George turns to face the woman.

               
                             DANIELLE
               (apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling 
               broadly) I'm supposed to meet
 
               my boyfriend here. He looks just like you.

               
                             GEORGE
               (bemused) Really?

               
                             DANIELLE
               (smiling) Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               (pointing to himself) Like me?

               
                             DANIELLE
               Uh-huh. Sorry.

               
               Danielle walks away with a wave. George sits there, looking stunned.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (confused, to himself) Like me? But 
               how?
 
               
               The waitress returns from the back and puts a plate down on the 
               counter
 
               before George.

               
                             WAITRESS
               Here's your halibut omelette. Surprised?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, yes, I am.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry has a suitcase on the table, packing for a trip. Kramer 
               has brought in
 
               a large paper bag, from which he pulls a blue t-shirt.

               
                             KRAMER
               Look what I got for you, for your Florida 
               trip. Crazy Shirts was
 
               closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck.

               
               Kramer holds the shirt up against Jerry and admires it. On the 
               front of the
 
               shirt is the legend '#1 DAD'.

               
                             KRAMER
               Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 
               1 Dad'.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               (examining the label) Ooh, and it's 
               in medium. Perfect.
 
               
               George enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey. You ready?

               
                             JERRY
               Almost.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, 
               can my cigar guy drop off
 
               some Cubans for me at your parents' house?

               
                             JERRY
               (reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents 
               move into their new condo.
 
               I'm gonna be busy.

               
                             KRAMER
               Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (grudging) Alright.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeahh. I owe you one.

               
                             JERRY
               (holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're 
               even.
 
               
               Kramer leaves. George has got himself a bottle of water from 
               the fridge and
 
               wanders into the living room, talking.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee 
               shop, and this beautiful
 
               girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (continuing to pack) That's a nice four 
               seconds.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (incredulous) I look just like him. 
               I. Me. (flings his arms out)
 
               This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe he has money.

               
                             GEORGE
               (wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe 
               he and I are exactly the same,
 
               except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.

               
                             JERRY
               (zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe it's some small thing I could 
               change. Like a moustache. Or
 
               wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.

               
                             JERRY
               (picking up his bag and coat) Who's 
               she dating? Mr Peanut?
 
               
               Jerry opens the door as George looks at him.

               
                             GEORGE
               (pointedly) She could do a lot worse 
               than Mr Peanut, my friend.
 
               
               George leaves, followed by Jerry.

               
               
               (Outside Movie Theatre)

               
               Elaine and her latest boyfriend are standing in line.

               
                             BLAINE
               So, what d'you wanna see?

               
                             ELAINE
               (indicating a movie poster) What about 
               Sack Lunch?
 
               
                             BLAINE
               (indicating another poster) How about 
               The English Patient? It's up
 
               for all those Oscars.

               
               Elaine pulls a face, like she's really not interested in seeing 
               Blaine's
 
               choice.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the 
               poster for Sack Lunch.
 
               
                             BLAINE
               It's a family in a brown paper bag.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (laughing) Don't you wanna know how 
               they got in there?
 
               
                             BLAINE
               No.

               
               Elaine and Blaine reach the front of the queue, just as the guy 
               in the ticket
 
               booth puts a sign up on the window saying 'Sack Lunch Sold Out'.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (disappointment) Aww. Sold out.

               
                             BLAINE
               (to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English 
               Patient.
 
               
               Elaine continues to study the Sack Lunch poster, while Blaine 
               buys tickets.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So d'you think they got shrunk down, 
               or is it just a giant sack?
 
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Danielle, the beautiful woman, is paying at the register. George 
               enters and
 
               sees her.

               
                             GEORGE
               (smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me? 
               I..I'm the guy who looks like
 
               Neil?

               
                             DANIELLE
               (smiling back) Hi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Huh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm, 
               is Neil here?
 
               
                             DANIELLE
               Oh, no. He got held up at work.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to 
               meet him, seeing as how we look
 
               so similar.

               
                             DANIELLE
               Well, you know, you don't look that 
               much like him.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (disappointment) Oh. Course not.

               
                             DANIELLE
               No, you're a little taller.

               
               George looks ever more bewildered.

               
                             DANIELLE
               You look like you're in better shape 
               than Neil. Do you work out?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean 
               to seem forward...
 
               
               Danielle looks like she thinks George is hitting on her, and 
               she's not
 
               against the idea.

               
                             GEORGE
               ...but is there any way that I could 
               possibly have Neil's phone
 
               number?

               
               Now it's Danielle's time to look surprised and bewildered.

               
               
               (Outside Movie Theatre)

               
               Elaine and Blaine emerge from the exit, having seen The English 
               Patient.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (very dissatisfied) Why is everyone 
               talking about "The English
 
               Patient, it's so romantic". (vehement) God, that movie stunk!
 
               
               
                             BLAINE
               I kinda liked it.

               
                             ELAINE
               (firm) No you didn't.

               
               From the exit emerge several of Elaine's friends, who hurry over 
               to see her.
 
               They're all holding tissues.

               
                             CAROL
               Elaine. Elaine, did you just see The 
               English Patient?
 
               
                             GAIL
               (tearful) Didn't you love it?

               
                             LISA
               How could you not love that movie?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               How about, it sucked?

               
                             CAROL
               That Ralph Fiennes, I would give up 
               my firstborn for him.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (aside) Huhh, getting the short end 
               of that stick.
 
               
               Blaine gives Elaine a strange look.

               
               
               (Recreation Center, Del Boca Vista)

               
               Jerry and Morty walk into a room which contains some fitness 
               equipment -
 
               exercise bike, weights, etc.

               
                             MORTY
               Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new 
               physical fitness room. They got
 
               medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.

               
                             JERRY
               Stairmaster?

               
                             MORTY
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothin'.

               
                             MORTY
               (opening his tracksuit top) See what 
               I'm wearing?
 
               
               Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, did you get that outta my bag?
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               No, your mother found it. Son, this 
               is the most wonderful and
 
               thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.
 
               
               
               In through the door comes a really old guy. He jogs slowly in, 
               and begins
 
               doing physical jerks as Morty talks to Jerry.

               
                             MORTY
               Hoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted 
               you to see. Izzy
 
               Mandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing) 
               Watch
 
               this.

               
               Izzy picks up a set of weights and lifts them chest high.

               
                             MORTY
               See that? You couldn't do that.

               
                             JERRY
               I could, but I choose not to.

               
               Another guy enters behind the Seinfelds. He walks over to an 
               exercise bike
 
               and climbs aboard.

               
                             SID
               Hey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's 
               this?
 
               
                             MORTY
               This is my son Jerry, from New York. 
               (leaning toward Sid) He thinks he
 
               
               can lift more than Izzy.

               
                             JERRY
               (protesting) I..I didn't say that.
 
               
               
                             SID
               (calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says 
               he can lift more than you can.
 
               
               Izzy looks over. He releases his grip on the weights and they 
               drop to the
 
               floor with a clunk.

               
                             IZZY
               Your kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should 
               be a comedian.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (smiles) Actually, I am a comedian.
 
               
               
                             SID
               That's not so funny.

               
                             IZZY
               (challenging) Think you're better than 
               me, huh?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas 
               in the fifties.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (jocular) Eighteen-fifties?

               
                             IZZY
               Yeah, that's it. It's go time. (points 
               to the weights he put down)
 
               Let's see you lift that.

               
                             JERRY
               (reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I...

               
                             IZZY
               C'mon, c'mon. Pump it!

               
                             JERRY
               (consenting) Alright.

               
                             IZZY
               Yeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing 
               that trash into my house.
 
               
               Jerry walks over and picks the weights up easily.

               
                             JERRY
               There. Alright?

               
                             IZZY
               Step aside, stringbean.

               
               Jerry puts down the weights, and rolls them out of the way. Izzy 
               steps in
 
               front of a much, much, more substantial set of weights.

               
                             IZZY
               I'll show you. We're gonna take it up 
               a notch.
 
               
               Izzy bends and takes hold of the bar. The second he puts any 
               effort into the
 
               lift, there is a loud crunching noise and a pained look of horror 
               comes to
 
               his face.

               
                             IZZY
               (agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh.

               
               Izzy keeps hold of the bar as he slowly keels over forwards. 
               The circular
 
               weights roll in front of him and Izzy gently falls forward until 
               he's face
 
               down on the floor.

               
                             IZZY
               (drawn out) Aaaahh.

               
               Jerry, Morty and Sid, look on, concerned.

               
                             SID
               Somebody, call an ambulance.

               
                             MORTY
               (unpanicked) There's already an ambulance 
               here for Mrs Glickman.
 
               There's room for one more.

               
               
               (Outside Movie Theatre)

               
               Elaine is at the same movie theatre as before,but alone this 
               time. She's
 
               buying her ticket from the booth.

               
                             ELAINE
               (handing over her money) Okay, one for 
               Sack Lunch. (taking the
 
               ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good.

               
               Elaine turns to enter the theatre, and meets Gail, Carol and 
               Lisa coming out.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing 
               here?
 
               
                             LISA
               We just saw The English Patient again.
 
               
               
                             GAIL
               It's even better the second time.

               
                             ELAINE
               They make it longer?

               
               Out of the theatre comes Blaine, carrying an umbrella.

               
                             BLAINE
               (to the girls) Got my umbrella.

               
                             ELAINE
               (shocked) Blaine!?

               
                             BLAINE
               Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought you were busy tonight.

               
                             BLAINE
               (cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine. 
               I don't know if I can be
 
               with someone who doesn't like The English Patient.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's just a stupid movie.

               
                             BLAINE
               (to Carol) That's what I'm talking about.
 
               
               
                             CAROL
               (taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine. 
               Let's go.
 
               
                             BLAINE
               (bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch!

               
               Blaine walks away with the girls.

               
                             ELAINE
               (fierce) I will!

               
               
               (Seinfeld Residence, Del Boca Vista)

               
               Helen is talking to Jerry, with Morty on the couch. Helen and 
               Morty are in
 
               their nightclothes. Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.

               
                             HELEN
               (accusing) How could you do that to 
               Mr Mandelbaum? You should be
 
               ashamed of yourself.

               
                             JERRY
               (defensive) He egged me on.

               
                             HELEN
               You should be more mature.

               
                             JERRY
               He's eighty!

               
                             MORTY
               (standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and 
               I will visit Izzy and apologise.
 
               Now, goodnight.

               
               Morty begins to head to the bedroom.

               
                             HELEN
               (walking after Morty) You're not sleeping 
               in that shirt. It's too
 
               tight.

               
                             MORTY
               This shirt will never leave my body.
 
               
               
               Helen follows Morty down the short hallway.

               
                             HELEN
               (to Jerry) Goodnight.

               
                             JERRY
               (smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got 
               the place to myself.
 
               
               There is a knock at the door. Jerry answers it. Outside are three
 
               
               Hispanic-looking guys.

               
                             GUILLERMO
               Jerry Seinfeld please.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) 
               Come on in. You got the
 
               cigars?

               
               The guys enter.

               
                             GUILLERMO
               What cigars?

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer said I was supposed to bring 
               him back some Cubans.
 
               
                             GUILLERMO
               (indicating the threesome) We are the 
               Cubans.
 
               
               Jerry stares, stunned.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista)

               
               Kramer stands, shirtless, in Jerry's kitchen. There's a pot on 
               the stove, and
 
               Kramer's chopping vegetables on a board. The phone rings and 
               Kramer answers.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, hello, Jerry's place.

               
               In the Seinfelds' condo, the three guys are asleep on the fold-out 
               couch and
 
               a chair, while an upset Jerry rants into the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               (animated) They're real Cubans?! They're 
               human beings, from Cuba?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Cigars!

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this 
               country. That's why I got
 
               these guys.

               
                             JERRY
               (incredulous) You're making your own 
               cigars now?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined 
               up.
 
               
               Behind Jerry, Morty wanders over to the kitchen counter.

               
                             JERRY
               (to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) 
               Hiya dad.
 
               
               Morty sorts through some pill bottles, before picking one out.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (without looking up) Who are they?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               They're Cuban cigar rollers.

               
                             MORTY
               (walking back out of the room) Don't 
               tell your mother.
 
               
               Something catches Jerry's ear on the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               What is that bubbling sound? Are you 
               making your tomato sauce?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hot and spicy.

               
                             JERRY
               (accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, 
               are you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yes I am.

               
                             JERRY
               What colour is it?

               
               Kramer looks down at his bare torso, and can't think.

               
                             KRAMER
               Damn!

               
               Kramer hangs up the phone.

               
               
               (New York Hallway)

               
               George and Danielle walk up to her door in her building. George 
               has a napkin
 
               in his hand on which is some scribbled numbers. Danielle is looking 
               at
 
               George, very much as if she's interested.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, you could've just given me 
               Neil's number. You..you didn't
 
               have to take me out to dinner.

               
                             DANIELLE
               I wanted to give it to you in person.
 
               
               
               George shrugs his understanding.

               
                             DANIELLE
               (flirtatious) You know, I don't have 
               to be up in the morning, and I
 
               know a great breakfast place, right around the corner.

               
               Danielle gives George a big smile. George smiles, but thoughtfully.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?
 
               
               
                             DANIELLE
               (inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll 
               take about it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (looking at his watch) I really should 
               get going. Y'know, I..I wanna
 
               be home in case Neil calls.

               
                             DANIELLE
               Well, goodnight.

               
               Danielle leans toward George, for a kiss. But George walks away 
               completely
 
               oblivious to Danielle.

               
                             GEORGE
               (hurried) I'll see you.

               
               Danielle looks down the hall after George, looking perplexed.
 
               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               An unhappy Elaine sits at the counter as the waitress pours her 
               coffee.
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               Rough night?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend 
               dumped me. My friends, who
 
               I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All 
               because I don't
 
               like that stupid English Patient movie.

               
                             WAITRESS
               Really? I thought it was pretty good.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, come on. Good? What was good about 
               it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes!
 
               I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!

               
                             WAITRESS
               (sour) Well, I liked it.

               
               The waitress takes the coffee pot and walks away into the back.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (calling after) Hey. You forgot about 
               my piece of pie. Hello?
 
               (irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!

               
               
               (Mandelbaum Residence, Del Boca Vista)

               
               Jerry and Morty stroll into the bedroom of the hugely impressive 
               Mandelbaum
 
               condo. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt under his tracksuit. 
               Izzy is
 
               asleep in the bed.

               
                             JERRY
               This is quite a condo.

               
                             MORTY
               The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The crepe place?

               
                             MORTY
               Yeah. This is all big crepe money.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (doubtful) There's crepe money?

               
               Izzy wakes up and sees the Seinfelds at the foot of his bed.
 
               
               
                             IZZY
               What are you doing here?

               
                             JERRY
               (apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just 
               wanted to come by and tell you
 
               how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.

               
               Izzy stares at Morty as Jerry speaks.

               
                             IZZY
               What the hell is that?

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             IZZY
               That shirt. You think that you are the 
               number one dad?
 
               
                             MORTY
               This was a gift from my son.

               
               Morty displays the shirt proudly. Jerry smiles.

               
                             IZZY
               Oh, I see how it works now. (indicates 
               Jerry) He knocks me outta
 
               commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your 
               fancy number
 
               one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number 
               one.
 
               
               Izzy starts to move to get out of bed.

               
                             JERRY
               Mr Mandelbaum, please.

               
                             IZZY
               It's go time.

               
               Izzy stands up and there is a familiar crunching noise. Izzy 
               freezes in his
 
               stance, arms raised.

               
                             IZZY
               (pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move.
 
               
               
               Jerry and Morty look on with horrified concern.

               
                             MORTY
               Call an ambulance.

               
                             JERRY
               I think I saw one a coupla doors down.
 
               
               
               Jerry darts out of the door, followed moments later by Morty.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista)

               
               Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his 
               bag. A worried
 
               George sits at the table.

               
                             JERRY
               (disbelief) So she wanted you to come 
               up, but you left because you
 
               thought some guy might be calling you?!

               
               Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces 
               the floor.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! 
               I have got to find out how he
 
               could get a girl like Danielle.

               
                             JERRY
               (pointing out the obvious) George, you've 
               got Danielle. Forget about
 
               Neil. You've out-Neiled him.

               
                             GEORGE
               (surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I 
               do that?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, but you better keep it 
               up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his 
               coat) There's a new Neil in
 
               town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!

               
               George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to himself) I try to take a vacation, 
               I come back, the whole
 
               operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello.

               
               In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still 
               wearing the
 
               '#1 DAD' shirt.

               
                             MORTY
               Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you 
               go see Izzy at the back
 
               specialist?

               
                             JERRY
               I will, I just walked in the door.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               You have to go see him.

               
                             JERRY
               Ma.

               
                             MORTY
               Helen, will you stop bothering him.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, that shirt is gone right to his 
               head.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Number One, signing off.

               
               The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in, 
               agitated.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at 
               the bus station. (shrill)
 
               What's going on!?

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               (animated) They're not real Cubans. 
               They're Dominicans.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             KRAMER
               So, Jerry, if my investors don't get 
               Cubans, the whole deal's off.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's the difference?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, 
               there's just nothing else like
 
               it.

               
                             JERRY
               (confused) We're talking about people, 
               right?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, 
               the intoxicating aroma. These
 
               guys don't have it.

               
                             JERRY
               I thought they smelled pretty nice.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, your palate's unrefined.

               
                             JERRY
               Is not.

               
                             KRAMER
               Is too.

               
                             JERRY
               Is not.

               
                             KRAMER
               Is too.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not having this conversation.

               
                             KRAMER
               Are too.

               
                             JERRY
               Am not.

               
                             KRAMER
               Are too.

               
                             JERRY
               Am not.

               
                             KRAMER
               Are too.

               
               
               (J Peterman's Office)

               
               Peterman lounges behind his desk, as Elaine and another employee 
               pick up
 
               notes, photographs, etc.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Another productive meeting. By the way, 
               I saw that English Patient
 
               film last night. It was extraordinary.

               
                             DUGAN
               (enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic. 
               It ravished me.
 
               
               Dugan walks away.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine, what'd you think?

               
                             ELAINE
               (hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually, 
               I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't
 
               
               tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.

               
                             PETERMAN
               (aghast) You haven't seen it?

               
                             ELAINE
               (shakes head) No.

               
                             PETERMAN
               That's it! Drop everything. We're going 
               right now.
 
               
               Peterman stuffs some paperwork into a desk drawer.

               
               
               (The New York Hospital)

               
               Izzy is in a hospital bed, as Jerry stands beside it.

               
                             JERRY
               Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist 
               is supposed to be the best.
 
               So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, 
               uh, try and
 
               find my number.

               
               Jerry turns to walk out.

               
                             IZZY
               Uh, oh, wait.

               
               Izzy rummages on his bedside table and picks up a t-shirt. He 
               holds it up to
 
               his chest so Jerry can read what's written on it. 'World's Greatest 
               DAD!'
 
               
                             IZZY
               How 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest 
               Dad. My son made it for me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (humouring him) That's very nice.

               
                             IZZY
               The best in the world. (pointing to 
               himself) Which means I'm better
 
               than just number one.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I don't know how official any 
               of these rankings really are.
 
               
               Behind Jerry, an elderly bald guy leans round the doorframe and 
               raps on the
 
               door, attracting Izzy's attention.

               
                             IZZY
               Hi, son.

               
                             IZZY JR.
               Hi daddy.

               
                             JERRY
               (surprise) This is your son?

               
                             IZZY
               I got married in high school.

               
                             IZZY JR.
               (to Jerry) Hey, who are you?

               
                             IZZY
               This is Seinfeld's kid.

               
                             IZZY JR.
               Oh, you think you're tough, picking 
               on an old man? (squaring up to
 
               Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (jocular) You got any kids?

               
                             IZZY JR.
               Oh, you think you're better than me? 
               (challenging) Go ahead, pick
 
               out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (trying to defuse the situation) Look, 
               no-one is lifting anything.
 
               
                             IZZY
               (pointing) The television.

               
                             JERRY
               (under his breath) Oh no.

               
               Izzy Jr walks over to the TV, which sits on top of a cabinet.
 
               
               
                             IZZY JR.
               This one's for you, Pop. It's go time.
 
               
               
               Izzy Jr takes a grip on the TV, but there's another crunching 
               sound as he
 
               tries to lift, and an agonised expression comes to his face. 
               Jerry cringes in
 
               the background.

               
                             IZZY JR.
               (pained) Ohh! My back!

               
                             IZZY
               (urgent) Call an ambulance.

               
                             JERRY
               (laconic) We're already in a hospital.
 
               
               
               
               (Earl Haffler's Office)

               
               A suit-wearing Kramer is in the office of Earl Haffler - cigar-smoking,
 
               
               stetson-wearing, Texan businessman.

               
                             HAFFLER
               Awright, partner. Let's get down to 
               business.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll 
               get the Cubans.
 
               
               Kramer walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.

               
                             KRAMER
               They're right out here.

               
               Kramer calls a few words of nonsense Spanish out of the door, 
               and the three
 
               guys stroll in. They are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues 
               and caps.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real 
               Cubans.
 
               
               Earl Haffler regards the three for a second or two.

               
                             HAFFLER
               You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl 
               Haffler Dominicans in a
 
               Cuban wrapper now, would you?

               
                             KRAMER
               (fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at 
               these boys. If they were any more
 
               
               Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.

               
                             HAFFLER
               (confusion) We're talking about people, 
               right?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (puzzled) I think so.

               
                             HAFFLER
               I thought he quit smoking cigars.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled 
               for his brother... (thinks for
 
               a second) ...Dennis.

               
                             HAFFLER
               (dubious) Dennis Castro?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, Dwayne.

               
                             HAFFLER
               Get the hell outta my office.

               
                             KRAMER
               (shrill) What!?

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Danielle and George walk over to, and sit in, a booth.

               
                             DANIELLE
               You know, Neil called me today.

               
                             GEORGE
               (interested) Really?

               
                             DANIELLE
               Yeah. He's pretty upset that I broke 
               up with him to go out with
 
               you.

               
                             GEORGE
               (smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's 
               Neil.
 
               
                             DANIELLE
               He wants to get together tomorrow night 
               and have coffee.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I 
               can beat that. Move in with me.
 
               
                             DANIELLE
               (surprised) What?

               
                             GEORGE
               (smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee.
 
               
               
               Danielle smiles at George, still a touch confused.

               
               
               (Movie Theatre)

               
               Peterman and Elaine sit in the auditorium. The English Patient 
               is playing and
 
               many of the crowd are tearfully dabbing their eyes. Peterman 
               is particularly
 
               emotional. Elaine looks completely bored, and is tossing pieces 
               of popcorn up
 
               in the air to try and catch them in her mouth.

               
                             PETERMAN
               (emotional) And I thought I knew what 
               love was.
 
               
               One of Elaine's bits of popcorn misses her mouth and falls behind 
               her seat.
 
               Elaine twists round and reaches over to retrieve it, before slumping 
               in her
 
               seat wearily.

               
                             ELAINE
               (indifferent) Yuh.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry and George sit in a booth. George looks ragged and is swigging 
               from a
 
               bottle of some anti-acid medication.

               
                             JERRY
               (incredulous) You asked her to move 
               in with you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?
 
               
               
               George thinks for a moment, his eyes twitching.

               
                             GEORGE
               (animated) Then I'm going to Mars!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What if it's Neil Diamond?

               
                             GEORGE
               (tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just 
               shut up!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What, to see the old guy?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I got into a thing with the son, 
               and now he's laid up too.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How old's the son?

               
                             JERRY
               I think he's the same age as the father.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What is with this family?

               
                             JERRY
               I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, 
               the other one wants to bench
 
               press the casket.

               
               Kramer sidles into the coffee shop. He peers past the register, 
               to where the
 
               three guys are sitting in the far corner, talking together. Then 
               he moves
 
               over to join Jerry and George.

               
                             KRAMER
               (quietly) Hey, Jerry.

               
               Kramer indicates the three guys with his thumb.

               
                             KRAMER
               (noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're cold?

               
                             KRAMER
               No. (indicates with his head) (noise 
               again) Ditadidatidat.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Something wrong with your chest?

               
                             KRAMER
               (indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. 
               There.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (leaning round Kramer) Where?

               
                             KRAMER
               (urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look.
 
               
               
               Jerry and George look as if they're infected by Kramer's nervousness, 
               as they
 
               try and look surreptitiously at the Dominicans.

               
                             KRAMER
               Over there. The Dominicans.

               
                             JERRY
               Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it didn't quite work out, and 
               now I've got nothing for them to
 
               do.

               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             KRAMER
               So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and 
               they really took to it. You
 
               know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.

               
               In the corner, one of the Dominicans thumps the table, as if 
               to underscore a
 
               point in his argument.

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. 
               When there's no work, and the
 
               people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing 
               to himself,
 
               shrill) El Presidente!

               
               Again, one of the Dominicans thumps the table. Kramer jumps at 
               the sound.
 
               
               
               (The New York Hospital)

               
               Izzy and Izzy Jr are laid up in beds placed side-by-side.

               
                             JERRY
               I swear to you, I didn't know they TV 
               was bolted to the table.
 
               
                             IZZY JR.
               I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy, 
               in Florida.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He couldn't handle the weight.

               
                             IZZY
               (hostile) Oh, so now you think you're 
               better than me?
 
               
                             IZZY JR.
               (indicating Izzy) You think you're better 
               than him?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (placatory) Look, let me just state 
               for the record, I think you're
 
               both better than me.

               
                             IZZY
               Okay.

               
               An even more elderly guy than Izzy enters the room behind Jerry. 
               He spreads
 
               his arms in greeting to the Mandelbaums.

               
                             IZZY SR.
               My boys.

               
                             IZZY
               My dad.

               
                             IZZY JR.
               My grandpa.

               
                             JERRY
               (incredulous) Oh, come on!

               
                             IZZY SR.
               (indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to 
               him?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He was trying to lift the TV.

               
                             IZZY SR.
               (pointing) That TV?

               
               Izzy Sr. strides purposefully toward the TV.

               
                             JERRY
               (consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden 
               two) It's go time.
 
               
               Off-screen there is a familiar crunching sound

               
                             IZZY IZZY SR..
               (pained) Oohh!

               
               
               (The New York Hospital)

               
               All three of the Mandelbaums are in a row of beds in the same 
               room.
 
               
                             IZZY SR.
               Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted 
               down!
 
               
                             IZZY
               I still thought you could do it.

               
                             IZZY JR.
               Me too.

               
               Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...

               
                             JERRY
               Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.

               
                             IZZY
               Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all 
               in the hospital. And you've
 
               ruined our business with all your macho head games.

               
                             JERRY
               (defensive) I didn't ruin your business.
 
               
               
                             IZZY
               Yes, you did. There's nobody there now 
               at the Magic Pan to roll the
 
               crepes. We gotta close it up.

               
                             JERRY
               (uncertain) Don't you hire people to 
               do that?
 
               
                             IZZY
               Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by 
               a Mandelbaum. That's what puts the
 
               
               magic in Magic Pan!

               
                             JERRY
               (thinking) So, you just need some guys 
               that could roll 'em?
 
               
                             IZZY
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               (having an idea) I think I can help 
               you out. I'll see you later.
 
               
               Jerry turns and starts to leave, but is called back.

               
                             IZZY SR.
               (calls) Hey, I can't see the TV.

               
               Jerry walks to the TV and picks it,and the attached cabinet up. 
               HE carries it
 
               across the room to the foot of Izzy Sr.'s bed,where he places 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Here.

               
               Jerry walks out of the room followed by the angry cries of Izzy.
 
               
               
                             IZZY
               You think you're better than us,don't 
               you?! Huh!?
 
               
               
               (Movie Theatre)

               
               Peterman and Elaine are still in front of The English Patient. 
               Peterman
 
               stares, enraptured, at the screen. Elaine is totally frantic 
               with boredom.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, 
               because I can't take my
 
               eyes off the passion.

               
                             ELAINE
               (quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do 
               this any more. I can't. It's too
 
               long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the 
               stupid
 
               desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!

               
               The other movie patrons turn and shush Elaine, who sits back 
               in her seat.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               (surprised) Elaine. You don't like the 
               movie?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (shouts) I hate it!!

               
                             CROWD
               Shh!

               
                             ELAINE
               (shouts) Oh, go to hell!!

               
                             PETERMAN
               (quietly) Well, why didn't you say so 
               in the first place? You're
 
               fired.

               
                             ELAINE
               (grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll 
               wait for you outside.
 
               
               Elaine hurriedly gets out of her seat and leaves.

               
               
               (Magic Pan Restaurant)

               
               Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth, talking over coffee.

               
                             JERRY
               He was gonna fire you?

               
                             ELAINE
               The only way I could talk him out of 
               it was that I agreed to go and
 
               visit the Tunisian desert.

               
                             JERRY
               Tunisia?

               
                             ELAINE
               That's where they filmed the movie. 
               It's supposed to inspire me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

               
                             ELAINE
               I have to live in a cave.

               
                             JERRY
               (sardonic) Oh. (smiles)

               
               Kramer comes over to the booth.

               
                             KRAMER
               These Dominicans really know their way 
               round a crepe. Look at that.
 
               It's like they're rolling a double corona.

               
               The three Dominican guys are making crepes, and then rolling 
               them around
 
               fillings.

               
                             KRAMER
               (to one of the guys) Just a cigar made 
               outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo?
 
               
               The Dominican smiles back.

               
               Over in another part of the restaurant, Danielle sits in a booth 
               with Neil.
 
               Neil is clearly bald, but has his back to the camera.

               
                             DANIELLE
               I'm very happy with George. I'm sorry 
               Neil, it's over.
 
               
               Neil's head drops at this news.

               
                             DANIELLE
               Come on, let's just eat our crepes.
 
               
               
               The Dominicans are handing out plates of rolled crepes to various 
               tables.
 
               
               At one table a customer prods a rolled crepe with his fork and 
               a jet of
 
               scalding hot filling squirts out into his face.

               
                             CUSTOMER
               (pained scream) Aaghh!! My face!

               
               At another table, another customer digs his fork in, and is rewarded 
               with a
 
               faceful of blistering filling.

               
               Neil sticks his fork into his crepe and recoils as hot liquid 
               jets into his
 
               face.

               
                             DANIELLE
               (concerned cry) Neil!

               
               The restaurant is in chaos as yells of pain come from all sides. 
               Elaine,
 
               Jerry and Kramer look round at the commotion.

               
                             JERRY
               Why are the crepes spraying?

               
                             KRAMER
               (looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans 
               are rolling them too
 
               tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans.
 
               
               
               Another scream rents the air.

               
               
               (Metropolitan Hospital Center)

               
               In a hospital room, Neil lies in a bed, his face obscured with 
               bandages and
 
               an IV line connected to him. Danielle is there fussing with the 
               remains of a
 
               hospital meal on a tray. George enters.

               
                             GEORGE
               Danielle. Where's Neil? (indicating 
               the bed) Is this him?
 
               
                             DANIELLE
               Yeah, that blueberry crepe burned him 
               pretty badly.
 
               
               George picks up a walking stick which was propped against the 
               bed.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to Danielle) Whose cane is this?

               
                             DANIELLE
               It's Neil's.

               
               Danielle walks away with a water jug from Neil's table. She goes 
               to a sink in
 
               the corner as George speaks.

               
                             GEORGE
               (to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to 
               Neil) So, we meet at last. I
 
               admire your skills, Mr Peanut.

               
               Danielle brings back the jug.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, Danielle, (digs in his pocket) 
               we should get going. I got a key
 
               made for you.

               
               George flourishes a doorkey before Danielle.

               
                             DANIELLE
               George, I can't move in with you.

               
                             GEORGE
               (shocked) What?

               
                             DANIELLE
               I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a 
               clinic in England.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (animated) N..no, no. You can't leave 
               me. (frantic) Marry me! I'll
 
               burn myself. I'll burn my parents!

               
                             DANIELLE
               Sorry George.

               
               Danielle takes the jug and leaves the room. Dejectedly, George 
               wanders toward
 
               the door. As he moves, Neil whispers to him.

               
                             NEIL
               (beckoning) George.

               
               George leans over to Neil, so he can hear him speak.

               
                             NEIL
               (quiet triumph) I win.

               
               George purses his lips and nods ruefully. He stands up and leaves, 
               closing
 
               the door behind him. There is a brief pause, then the door opens 
               a few inches
 
               and George's hand reaches back inside the room, takes hold of 
               the IV line and
 
               tugs it sharply, breaking it free of the IV bag,and drops it. 
               Then the hand
 
               is withdrawn and the door closes again.

               
               
               (Plane)

               
               Elaine sits in an aisle seat in a 747, reading a Let's Go Tunisia 
               book. She
 
               listens as a voice comes over the tannoy.

               
                             TAN
               Ladies and gentlemen. In just one moment, 
               we'll be showing our feature
 
               presentation...

               
                             ELAINE
               (dread) No, no, no, no, no.

               
                             TAN
               ...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring 
               Dabney Coleman.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is 
               shaping up.
 
               
               Smiling, Elaine puts down her book to watch the movie. Someone 
               from a seat
 
               beside her wants to get out.

               
                             GUY
               Excuse me, please.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, sure.

               
               The guy pushes past her. He's holding a rolled-up magazine closely 
               to his
 
               body, as if concealing something and, strangely, is wearing a 
               '#1 DAD'
 
               t-shirt. There's a little awkwardness as he squeezes by.

               
                             ELAINE
               (uncomfortable) Ooh.

               
               The guy walks down the aisle and turns to face the passengers. 
               Two other guys
 
               in '#1 DAD' t-shirts flank him. They are the three Dominican 
               guys.
 
               
                             GUILLERMO
               Ladies and gentlemen. Because we have 
               been exploited by your Magic
 
               Pan crepe restaurants...

               
               From inside his magazine, Guillermo produces a revolver. The 
               other two guys
 
               also pull out guns, which they point upwards and cock, loudly.
 
               
               
                             GUILLERMO
               ...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba!
 
               
               
               There is consternation among the passengers, shocked looks, gasps, 
               etc.
 
               
                             GUILLERMO
               Everyone stay in your seats. And shut 
               that movie off!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (annoyed) Aww, nuts!

               
               
               
                             THE END





The English Patient



Writers :   Steve Koren
Genres :   Comedy


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