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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                          THE FACE PAINTER



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               Monkeys are really the end of the line 
               in the pet world. I think when you're 
               at the monkey level of pet ownership, 
               have a kid. I mean, come on, you know, 
               I mean, you're *so* close. If you need 
               a pet that can roller skate and smoke 
               cigars, it's time to think about a family. 
               Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts 
               in the sixties, which I'm sure made 
               perfect sense in the monkey brain. 'Maybe 
               that is the next logical step for me, 
               because I've been working with the Italian 
               guy and the crank organ, and I think 
               I'm ready to handle the maximum re-entry 
               g-forces.
 
               
               
               (George and his date are talking in his car.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Take toilet paper for example. Do you 
               realize that toilet paper has not changed 
               in my lifetime? It's just paper on a 
               cardboard roll, that's it. And in ten 
               thousand years, it will still be exactly 
               the same because really, what else can 
               they do?
 
               
               
                             SIENA
               That's true. There really has been no 
               development in toilet paper.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And everything else has changed. But 
               toilet paper is exactly the same, and 
               will be so until we're dead.
 
               
                             SIENA
               Yeah, you're right George. What else 
               can they do?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's just paper on a roll, that's it. 
               And that's all it will ever be.
 
               
                             SIENA
               Wow.

               
                             GEORGE
               You find this interesting, don't you?
 
               
               
                             SIENA
               Yes. yes, I do.

               
               (They stare at each other for a moment, then embrace.)

               
               
               
               Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really 
               good.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you telling him for?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               He's the busboy, you think he cares 
               about the soup?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup 
               to be good?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, it's all this guy can do to 
               keep from killing himself. You think 
               he's back there, talking to the chef, 
               going, "Hey, they like the soup!Keep 
               it up!"?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, isn't that Alec Berg?

               
                             JERRY
               Yep, Alec Berg. He's got a good 'John 
               Houseman' name. Alec Beeerg. Mr. Beeerg.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't stand him, he is so pretentious.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               John Houseman?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, Alec Berg.

               
                             ALEC
               Elaine!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi!

               
                             ALEC
               Hi, how are you? Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, Alec.

               
                             ALEC
               Did you hear about Gary Fogel?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ALEC
               You gonna go to the funeral on Friday?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, hey did I see you on TV at the 
               Ranger game? Were those your seats
 
               
               right behind the glass?

               
                             ALEC
               Those are them, yeah. Season tickets. 
               Uh, you know, unfortunately I
 
               can't go tonight, so they're available if you'd like to use them.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'd love to, are you sure?

               
                             ALEC
               Absolutely, you just call my secretary, 
               she'll arrange everything.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Gee thanks! Thanks a lot!

               
                             ALEC
               It's my pleasure. Be good. (Walking 
               away, he stops abruptly) You know,
 
               
               I actually might not use them on Friday either so I'll let you 
               know.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, thanks again.

               
                             ELAINE
               Thank you very much.

               
                             JERRY
               Really, thank you.

               
               
               
               Jerry and Elaine are back at his apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               Well what about these nitwits that get 
               on a plane with nothing to read?
 
               You know who these people are?

               
                             ELAINE
               Who?

               
                             JERRY
               These are the people that want to talk 
               to you. They got nothing else to
 
               do, why not disturb you?

               
                             ELAINE
               I will never understand people.

               
                             JERRY
               They're the worst.

               
               George enters, carrying a bouquet of flowers and singing.

               
                             GEORGE
               Something's up, there's something in 
               the air.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what is with you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I think this is it.

               
                             ELAINE
               What's it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I saw Siena again.

               
                             ELAINE
               Siena?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, he's dating a crayon.

               
                             GEORGE
               We discussed toilet paper.

               
                             JERRY
               Toilet paper?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't 
               changed in my lifetime, and
 
               probably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and 
               she was
 
               fascinated, fascinated!

               
                             JERRY
               What are you talking about?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Toilet paper's changed.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               It's softer.

               
                             ELAINE
               Softer.

               
                             JERRY
               More sheets per roll

               
                             ELAINE
               Sheets.

               
                             JERRY
               Comes in a wide variety of colors.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Colors.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ok, ok, fine! It's changed, it's not 
               really the point. Anyway, I'm
 
               thinking of making a big move.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I might tell her that I love her. I 
               came this close last night, then I
 
               
               just chickened out.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. 
               Are you confident in the 'I love
 
               you' return?

               
                             GEORGE
               Fifty-fifty.

               
                             JERRY
               Cause if you don't get that return, 
               that's a pretty big matzoh ball
 
               hanging out there.

               
                             GEORGE
               Aw, I've just got to say it once, everybody 
               else gets to say it, why
 
               can't I say it?

               
                             ELAINE
               What, you never said it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Once, to a dog. He licked himself and 
               left the room.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, so it wasn't a total loss.

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I forgot to tell you! I got tickets 
               to the Rangers-Devils playoff
 
               game tonight!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I'm there, Monongahela!

               
                             JERRY
               What about you, George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Eh eh eh, can't do it, can't do it, 
               sorry, I got a date.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So, so.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh no no no, if you must know, I would 
               rather be with her than go to
 
               the game.

               
                             KRAMER
               She must be a very special lady, huh 
               George, yeah.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what do I do with the extra ticket?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh hey, can I bring David Puddy? He's 
               a big Devils' fan.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sure, fine with me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an 
               inside tour of the zoo, Siena
 
               works there as a trainer.

               
                             KRAMER
               So she works at the zoo?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, like Diane Fosse. You know she's 
               the only person that's ever
 
               been accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those 
               gorillas accept
 
               you, you got it made in the shade.

               
               
               
               Elaine is at Puddy's apartment, waiting in the living room while 
               he gets ready.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So how long have you been a Devils' 
               fan?
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Since I was a kid, I'm from Jersey.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts 
               tonight.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Hey, no way, man.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes.

               
                             PUDDY
               We're primed.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, you almost ready? Cause Jerry 
               and Kramer are gonna be here
 
               any second.

               
               Puddy enters wearing a Devils' jersey and red and green paint 
               all over his face.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What the--

               
                             PUDDY
               So what do you think?

               
                             ELAINE
               What is that?

               
                             PUDDY
               I painted my face.

               
                             ELAINE
               You painted your face?

               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             PUDDY
               You know, support the team.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you can't walk around like that.
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Why not?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because it's insane?

               
                             PUDDY
               Hey, you gotta let them know you're 
               out there, this is the playoffs.
 
               
               There's a knock at the door, Puddy answers it. It's Jerry and 
               Kramer. Kramer
 
               enters first and does a typical 'Kramer take' when he sees Puddy's 
               painted face.
 
               He recovers quickly.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             PUDDY
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Dave, um, painted his face.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, that's cool. Well, you gotta support 
               your team.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Ok, ready to go?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             PUDDY
               LET'S GET IT ON!!! Alright!! Go Devils!! 
               Go
 
               Devils!! Let's go Devils!!

               
               
               
               Madison Square Garden, the four of them are at the game. Three 
               are seated,
 
               Puddy has his face pressed against the glass as there's action 
               in his corner.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               You're dead, Messier! We're gonna get 
               you, Messier!
 
               
                             FAN #1
               Will you sit down?

               
                             PUDDY
               Hey man, I'm just trying to support 
               the team.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Will you sit down? You're disturbing 
               everybody. Sit down!
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Oh yeah, because you're a Ranger fan 
               and you know I'm messing with their
 
               
               heads.

               
               Just then the Devils score a goal and Puddy is back up, banging 
               the glass.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Go Devils!!

               
               
               
               George and Siena are sitting in the car again. They're listening 
               to the hockey
 
               game on the radio.

               
                             RADIO ANNOUNCER
               Devils goal! Stephan Richer scores from 
               just inside the blue
 
               line! And the Devils take-- (George turns down the volume)

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I could have actually gone 
               to that.
 
               
                             SIENA
               So why didn't you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I didn't want to break our date.
 
               
               
                             SIENA
               Oh, well.

               
                             GEORGE
               Because I... I love you.

               
                             SIENA
               You know, I'm hungry. Let's get something 
               to eat.
 
               
               
               
               Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and Puddy are walking on the street after 
               the game. The
 
               Devils must have won because Puddy is gloating.

               
                             PUDDY
               Ha ha! We took it to you! You couldn't 
               get it out of your zone all
 
               night. We were aggressive, we didn't let you penetrate!

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, that's enough out of you, there's 
               still three more games left
 
               in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very 
               far from being
 
               over. (Notices a car coming right towards Puddy, who's crossing 
               the street)
 
               Watch out!

               
               The car stops just short of hitting Puddy. There's an old priest 
               in the
 
               passenger seat.

               
                             PUDDY
               Hey, what are you doing?! Watch where 
               you're
 
               driving, man! (He approaches the passenger side window) Don't 
               mess with the
 
               Devils, buddy. We're number one, we beat anybody! We're the Devils! 
               The
 
               Devils!! Haaaa!!!

               
               Puddy runs away, leaving the old priest shaken.

               
                             FATHER HERNANDEZ
               El Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!!

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.

               
                             JERRY
               "I'm hungry. Let's get something to 
               eat."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yup.

               
                             JERRY
               Big matzoh ball.

               
                             GEORGE
               Huge matzoh ball.

               
                             JERRY
               Those damn 'I love you' returns.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it's all over. I slipped up.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               You have any idea how fast these things 
               deteriorate when there's an 'I
 
               love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where 
               one person says,
 
               "I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something 
               to eat.".
 
               
                             JERRY
               Unless you're married.

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean, now she thinks that I'm one 
               of these guys that love her.
 
               Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.

               
                             JERRY
               No, people hate that.

               
                             GEORGE
               You want to be with somebody that doesn't 
               like you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ideally.

               
                             GEORGE
               I am never saying 'I love you' again 
               unless they say it first.
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               Matzoh ball soup?

               
                             GEORGE
               That'd be me.

               
               
               
               Jerry enters his apartment carrying a bag of groceries. As soon 
               as Jerry closes
 
               the door, we hear Kramer's door open and close. That moment, 
               Kramer walks in.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry? You're a smart guy, right?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No question about it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, you know I'm supposed to go 
               on this special tour today with
 
               George's girlfriend.

               
                             JERRY
               At the zoo?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but before I met up with her, 
               I stopped to look at the monkeys,
 
               
               when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. 
               I turn and look
 
               and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone 
               tells me that he
 
               did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey 
               to turn
 
               around. And then I *whap* let him have it.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a 
               monkey?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he started it!

               
                             JERRY
               It's a monkey, Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't 
               help it, Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I still think it's wrong.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, alright, fine. You take the 
               monkey's side, alright, go ahead.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not taking anyone's side.

               
                             KRAMER
               Cause I know what happened, Jerry. (remembering 
               something
 
               and walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for 
               the hockey
 
               tickets?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What do I gotta call him for? I thanked 
               him five times when he gave
 
               them to me, how many time I gotta thank him?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the 
               next day, it's common courtesy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking 
               a stand against all this over
 
               thanking.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, good manners are the glue of 
               society.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight 
               million 'thank you's, I wouldn't
 
               have taken the tickets in the first place.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, you know what this is gonna 
               do? He's gonna be upset because
 
               you didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for 
               Friday night.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, you're out of your mind.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, where you going?

               
                             JERRY
               I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a 
               funeral on Friday.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Who died?

               
                             JERRY
               Remember the guy who pretended he had 
               cancer so O would buy him the
 
               toupee?

               
                             KRAMER
               So he actually had it?

               
                             JERRY
               No, car accident. He was trying to adjust 
               his toupee while he was
 
               driving and he lost control of the car.

               
               
               
               Riverside Gramercy Chapel. Jerry and Elaine are at Gary Fogel's 
               funeral.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That poor priest. He was just visiting 
               from El Salvador. Now he's
 
               gone completely loco.

               
                             JERRY
               The one Puddy screamed at in the car?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He 
               won't leave his room in the
 
               church basement.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, that's what you get for getting 
               mixed up with a face painter.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I mean, what compels a seemingly normal 
               human being to do something
 
               like that?

               
                             JERRY
               Gotta support the team.

               
               Several women weep off camera. Elaine inspects her outfit.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know I really hate my clothes.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hm.

               
                             ELAINE
               I open up my closet, there's just nothing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hm.

               
                             ELAINE
               Nothing. I hate everything I have, I 
               really hate it. (The weeping
 
               increases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's 
               like I can wear
 
               something three or four times and that's it.

               
                             JERRY
               Hm.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's getting to be a terrible problem 
               for me.
 
               
               Jerry (noticing Alec Berg walk in, whispers) Hey, Alec!

               
               Alec barely acknowledges the greeting and takes a seat.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you see that? What kind of a 'hello' 
               was that?
 
               
               
               
               Kramer is in the office at the zoo.

               
                             MR. PLESS
               Ah, Mr. Kramer?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes.

               
                             MR. PLESS
               Thanks for coming.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, uh, what did you want to see me 
               about?
 
               
                             MR. PLESS
               Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it, 
               we're having a bit of a
 
               problem with Barry.

               
                             KRAMER
               Barry?

               
                             MR. PLESS
               The chimpanzee.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem?

               
                             MR. PLESS
               Well, he's not functioning the way he 
               normally does. He seems
 
               depressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic
 
               
               activities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation 
               he had
 
               with you the other day.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, so what do you want me to do?

               
                             MR. PLESS
               Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well he started it.

               
                             MR. PLESS
               Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               So am I. What about my feelings? Don't 
               my feelings count for
 
               anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has 
               to be done for
 
               the monkey! Look, I'm sorry. I--

               
                             SIENA
               Hey, that's ok. Well, I've gotta go 
               feed the marmosets.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know

               George really likes you.

               
                             MR. PLESS
               She doesn't hear too well out of her 
               left ear.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, do you think it's possible that 
               he's mad at me because he didn't
 
               get the day-after 'thank you'?

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute, you were at a funeral, 
               right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, people never give a good 'hello' 
               at a funeral. I mean, they go
 
               like this (George gives an extremely understated nod) That's 
               the biggest.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave 
               me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, they can't go, "Hey! You look fabulous!"
 
               
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Girlfriend, yeah, right.

               
                             KRAMER
               Anyway, she asked me to apologize to 
               Barry.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Barry?

               
                             KRAMER
               The monkey.

               
                             JERRY
               Well?

               
                             KRAMER
               Nothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything. 
               It's the monkey that
 
               should be apologizing to me.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I don't think that's gonna happen.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm sorry. Well, George, I tried 
               to put the good word in for you
 
               with Siena, but I don't think she heard me. You know, left ear?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, her boss told me that she can't 
               hear very well out of her left
 
               ear. What, you didn't know that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh my god.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               She probably never heard it. Don't you 
               see what this means? It's like
 
               the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed 
               the rotation
 
               of the earth to save Lois Lane!

               
                             JERRY
               Are you gonna say it again?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's the question, Jimmy.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are still at Jerry's apartment, some time has 
               passed.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm gonna do it.

               
                             JERRY
               What? After what you just went through, 
               I thought you said you'd never
 
               say it again.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'd like to say it once to someone that 
               can actually hear it!
 
               
               George storms out of the apartment as Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's going on?

               
                             JERRY
               He's gonna talk into her other ear.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. Well listen, I almost forgot to 
               ask you. What happened at the
 
               funeral? Now, did you talk to Alec berg?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I saw him.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, so he's gonna give you the 
               hockey tickets, huh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, not exactly.

               
                             KRAMER
               He's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know if he's mad.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, so what happened when you saw 
               him?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I didn't really get a good 'hello', 
               but see, I was at a funeral.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh huh.

               
                             JERRY
               See, so I don't know if I got a funeral 
               'hello' or he was mad because he
 
               didn't get his day-after 'thank you'.

               
                             KRAMER
               See, I told you, Jerry, I told you!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look, what do you want me to do?

               
                             KRAMER
               I want you to get on this phone and 
               give him his 'thank you'!
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. No, I can't!

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, this is the way society functions. 
               Aren't you a part of
 
               society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, 
               why don't
 
               you just get in your car and move to the East Side!

               
                             JERRY
               Look, we got five hours before the game. 
               I am betting it was a funeral
 
               'hello'. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we 
               want to go.
 
               There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You stubborn, stupid, silly man!

               
               
               
               Elaine and Puddy are at Elaine's apartment.

               
                             PUDDY
               Hey, great dip. You made this?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, it's from the store.

               
                             PUDDY
               Oh. Hey, how come people don't have 
               dip for dinner? Why is it only a
 
               snack, why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff 
               like that.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               David? David, I think we aught to talk.
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Alright, that's cool.

               
                             ELAINE
               David, I don't think we should see each 
               other anymore.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               You gotta be kidding, how come?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you see, David, you're a face 
               painter.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah, that's right.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, it's not that I don't like you, 
               but, well to be perfectly honest,
 
               
               I'm just having some trouble getting past the face painting.
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Well, alright, so you don't like the 
               face painting, I just won't paint
 
               
               it anymore.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, but you like the face painting.
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Well, I don't need to do it. It's not 
               like a habit or anything.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. You mean you'd stop it for me?
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah, that's right.

               
                             ELAINE
               That's so, that's so sweet.

               
                             PUDDY
               Ah, c'mere. (They kiss) Alright, I gotta 
               go home and get changed before
 
               the game. I'll be back, we'll make out.

               
               
               
               George and Siena are making out in his car.

               
                             GEORGE
               Siena, I love you.

               
                             SIENA
               Yeah, I know. I heard you the first 
               time.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Just confirming.

               
               
               
               Jerry is sitting alone in his apartment waiting for Alec to call. 
               The phone
 
               rings, Jerry answers.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Oh, hi mom. No, listen, I was 
               expecting somebody else. I'm
 
               sorry, I can't talk now, I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call 
               you later. Yes,
 
               I know I have call waiting but I don't trust it in an emergency. 
               Good bye.
 
               
               
               
               Kramer is at the zoo, talking with Barry, the monkey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Anyway, I um, I just want to say that 
               I'm sorry. I lost my temper and
 
               I probably shouldn't have. I took it out on you and, look, if 
               I've caused you
 
               any problems as a result of my behavior, well then, I'm sorry. 
               I apologize.
 
               Even though, Barry, between me and you, we both know that you 
               started it. I
 
               mean, who's kidding who? But they tell me that you're very upset, 
               and god
 
               forbid I should disturb the very important monkey, I'm just hoping 
               we can put
 
               this behind us, let's just move on with our lives, ok? So no 
               hard feelings?
 
               
               Kramer moves in for a handshake, Barry spits water all over his 
               jacket. Kramer
 
               gets defensive and Barry starts screaming and climbing the cage 
               bars.
 
               
               
               Elaine's apartment, Elaine and Puddy are making out. She unbuttons 
               his shirt
 
               and notices something peculiar.

               
                             ELAINE
               What is that?

               
                             PUDDY
               That's the letter 'D'.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why is the letter 'D' painted on your 
               chest?
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Well, I'm going to the game tonight, 
               and me and these five other guys
 
               are gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'.

               
                             ELAINE
               But you said no more painting.

               
                             PUDDY
               No, I said no more face painting, and 
               as you can see this is not my
 
               face.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, that's right.

               
               
               
               Jerry is still waiting for the phone call. Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well? Did he call?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, come on, Jerry! Come on, this is 
               stupid! It's six o'clock! It's
 
               all over, just pick up the phone and thank him!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright! (picks up the phone and dials) 
               Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry
 
               Seinfeld. You know, you got a great 'John Houseman' name. Alec 
               Berg. Did you
 
               hand in your assignment, Mr. Berg?

               
                             ALEC
               What can I do for you, Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, Alec, the reason I called is I 
               just wanted to thank you for the
 
               tickets from the other night.

               
                             ALEC
               I wish you'd called me earlier, I could 
               have given you my tickets for
 
               tonight.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you already gave them away?

               
                             ALEC
               Yeah, but you know what? I have a friend, 
               he's got a couple of seats.
 
               If you don't mind the nose bleed section, they're yours.

               
                             JERRY
               No, we don't care, we just want to go.
 
               
               
                             ALEC
               There is one little catch, though.
 
               
               
               
               
               Exterior shot of MSG marquee announcing the Rangers vs Devils 
               playoff game
 
               tonight. Cut to some on-ice action, then to the cheap seats where 
               Puddy, Jerry
 
               and Kramer are seated, shirtless.

               
                             PUDDY
               Hey, great game, huh?

               
               The Devils score a goal, Puddy stands up screaming and drags 
               Jerry and Kramer to
 
               their feet. Alongside Puddy's 'D', Jerry sports an 'E' on his 
               chest, Kramer has
 
               a 'V' on his, and three more shirtless guys bearing 'I',' L' 
               and 'S' rise
 
               alongside them. All are cheering wildly, except for Jerry and 
               Kramer who stand
 
               silent.

               
               
               
               The El Salvadoran priest is in his bedroom, another priest is 
               at his bedside.
 
               
                             PRIEST
               Father Hernandez?

               
                             FATHER HERNANDEZ
               Huh?

               
                             PRIEST
               Una senora que te vino a ver. Ella dice 
               que tiene informacion muy
 
               important information that could be helpful to you.")

               
                             FATHER HERNANDEZ
               Bueno.

               
                             PRIEST
               Al fini finalmente paró el llover. (Subtitled: 
               "Finally it stopped
 
               raining.")

               
                             FATHER HERNANDEZ
               Aha, bueno.

               
               The priest shows Elaine into the room, she's wearing a white 
               raincoat with a
 
               hood. As she approaches the bed, she's backlit by the sunlight 
               coming through
 
               the window.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello father.

               
                             FATHER HERNANDEZ
               Oh. La Madonna! Madre de Christo! Yo 
               estoy lista!
 
               
               
                             THE END



The Face Painter



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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