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ALL SCRIPTS





                         THE FINALE PART 1
						  
						  
						  
                            Written by

                           Larry David
						  
				  
 
               
               (Monologue, on stage)

               
                             JERRY
               It seems like whenever these office 
               people call you in for a meeting, the 
               whole thing is about the sitting down. 
               I would really like to sit down with 
               you. I think we need to sit down and 
               talk. Why don't you come in, and we'll 
               sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting 
               down doesn't work. People get mad at 
               the sitting.You know, we've been sitting 
               here for I don't know how long. How 
               much longer are we just going to sit 
               here? I'll tell you what I think we 
               should do. I think we should all sleep 
               on it. Maybe we're not getting down 
               low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, 
               then our brains will work.
 
               
               (Jerry and George at Monks)

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't eat this without catsup. Would 
               it kill her to check up on us? Would 
               that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? 
               Do you need anything? What can I do 
               for you?"
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know what you mean.

               
                             GEORGE
               Do ya?

               
                             JERRY
               It's like going out with someone and 
               you never hear from them again.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Same thing!

               
                             JERRY
               Not really, but it's something. Ask 
               the people behind you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me. Are you using your catsup?
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               What do you think? You want to give 
               him the catsup?
 
               
                             MAN
               It's up to you.

               
                             WOMAN
               You know what? I don't think so. I'm 
               going to need it from time to time.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So what are you doing later? You want 
               to go to the movies?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nah - what for?

               
                             JERRY
               To see a movie.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've been to the movies.

               
                             JERRY
               Not this movie.

               
                             GEORGE
               They're all the same. You go, you sit, 
               you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick 
               of it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Did you shower today?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               That's usually the kind of mood I'm 
               in when I haven't showered.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? 
               When do I get my 15 minutes? I want 
               my 15 minutes!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, quit complaining. At least you have 
               your health.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah! Health's not good enough. I want 
               more than health. Health's not doing 
               it for me anymore. I'm sick
 
               
               of health.

               
                             WOMAN
               All right, we're done. You can have 
               it now.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, very gracious.

               
               (Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk.
                Kramer and Elaine drive up.)
 
               
                             MAN
               Nice day

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               What is that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! JoJo!

               
                             JERRY
               Ey, ey!

               
                             ELAINE
               All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, thank you. So what are you doing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Nothing.

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, let's go to the beach.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you crazy?

               
                             KRAMER
               What? It's a beautiful day.

               
                             JERRY
               Have a good time.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, there's something in the air today. 
               You feel it? There's something in the 
               air.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, there's something in the air.
 
               
               
               (Kramer drives off)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, 
               it's Elaine. How is your father? Is 
               everything okay? What? I can't hear 
               you so good. There's a lot of static. 
               Wha? I'm going to call you back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Jill's father is in the hospital and 
               you call to ask about him on a cell 
               phone?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? No good?

               
                             JERRY
               Faux pas.

               
                             ELAINE
               Faux pas?

               
                             GEORGE
               Big hefty stinking faux pas.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               You can't make a health inquiry on a 
               cell phone. It's like saying "I don't 
               want to take up any of my important time
               in my home so I'll just get it out of the way 
               on the street."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               On-the-street cell-phone call is the 
               lowest phone call you can make.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's an act of total disregard. It's 
               selfish.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's dismissive.

               
                             JERRY
               It's pompous.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why don't you think before you do something?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Here's a thought - Bye bye.

               
               (Exit Elaine)

               
                             GEORGE
               Too much?

               
               (Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine 
               - that whole phone business - she should 
               know better than that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey - hey - hey!

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Where do you think this relationship 
               is? If you are thinking of instituting 
               an open-door urination policy, let me 
               disabuse you of that notion right now, 
               my friend.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You're so uptight.

               
                             JERRY
               Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee 
               party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. 
               We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee 
               party.
 
               
               (Jerry listens to his answering machine)

               
                             PHONE TAPE
               Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling 
               from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. 
               Could you please give us a call? Thanks.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld 
               calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? 
               Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem,               
               definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who's he?

               
                             JERRY
               He is the new president of NBC. He wants 
               to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry."
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Our show, "Jerry"?

               
                             JERRY
               Right.

               
                             GEORGE
               "Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk 
               about "Jerry"?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               When?

               
                             JERRY
               Today, like right now.

               
                             GEORGE
               Right now? "Jerry"?

               
                             JERRY
               "Jerry"!

               
                             GEORGE
               He wants to talk about "Jerry"?

               
                             JERRY
               He wants to talk about "Jerry"!

               
                             GEORGE
               "Jerry"!

               
                             JERRY
               "Jerry"!

               
                             GEORGE
               Can I go like this?

               
                             JERRY
               Sure!

               
                             GEORGE
               No sports jacket? I don't need a sports 
               jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Forget the sports jacket.

               
                             GEORGE
               I won't feel like a writer.

               
                             JERRY
               You're not a writer.

               
                             GEORGE
               Right!

               
               (Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC)

               
                             GEORGE
               Water. Need some water! Water here!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes 
               in here like the last time.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Don't blow this.

               
                             GEORGE
               I will not blow this.

               
                             JERRY
               If he says he doesn't want it to be 
               a show about nothing, don't go nuts.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's fine, it doesn't have to be about 
               nothing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He might not want nothing.

               
                             GEORGE
               Something, nothing, I could care less.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He might want a show about anything 
               and everything.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Anything, everything, something, nothing 
               - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm 
               down!
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you

               
                             GEORGE
               Magic time.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
               (Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office)
 
               
               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Mr. Kimbrough.

               
                             STU
               Hey, Jerry, good to see you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey, hey!

               
                             STU
               How you been?

               
                             JERRY
               Good, good. You remember George.

               
                             STU
               George, good to see you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello Stu.

               
                             STU
               You remember Jay Crespi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay 
               Crespi?
 
               
                             STU
               This is James Kimbrough.

               
                             KIMBROUGH
               Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for 
               coming in.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Kimbrough.

               
                             JERRY
               Don't spell.

               
                             GEORGE
               K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H

               
                             KIMBROUGH
               That's right.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a talent I have.

               
                             KIMBROUGH
               Why don't we sit down, glad you're here.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Woo! Some day out there - You ever see 
               weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - 
               it's crispy crisp.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Shut up, George.

               
                             KIMBROUGH
               Can I get you anything?

               
                             GEORGE
               What do we have in the fruit department?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oy.

               
                             STU 
               Pineapple.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like 
               a weapon that thing, got spikes on the 
               end. You can get killed from
 
               
               one of those things.

               
                             KIMBROUGH
               Anyway, let me tell you why I called. 
               When I took over here last month, I 
               reviewed what was in development,and 
               it was pretty much same old, same old.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Been there, done that.

               
                             KIMBROUGH
               Right. I was looking for something different. 
               Something that would have people talking 
               at the water coolers.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Water coolers?

               
                             CRESPI
               We call it a water-cooler show.

               
                             JERRY
               Because the next day in the offices, 
               people gather around the water coolers 
               to talk about it, right?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               See, I think people would talk about 
               it at the coffee machines.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well it's probably just easier to say 
               "water cooler show" than "coffee machine 
               show."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks 
               from a water cooler any more - they 
               use bottles.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good 
               point.
 
               
                             KIMBROUGH
               Anyway, Stu here started telling me 
               about a show, "Jerry", that he developed 
               five years ago.
 
               
                             STU
               I have always loved it.

               
                             KIMBROUGH
               He said it was a show about nothing. 
               So, I saw the pilot and I've got to 
               tell you - I flipped out.
 
               
                             CRESPI
               He totally flipped out.

               
                             KIMBROUGH
               What I want to do is put it on the air. 
               13-episode commitment. Start it off 
               on Wednesday night, build up an audience.
               This show needs time to grow. I love that
               Kramer guy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He's a little off the wall.

               
                             CRESPI
               Oh yeah.

               
                             STU
               Kramer.

               
                             KIMBROUGH
               And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing 
               something happening between you two.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Definitely.

               
                             GEORGE
               I tell you, I really don't think so-called 
               relationship humor is what this show 
               is all about.
 
               
                             KIMBROUGH
               Or we could not do the show altogether, 
               how about that?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Or we could get them together. Woo!
 
               
               
               (George and Jerry attempt a hug outside
                Mr. Kimbrough's office)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
               (Elaine is at home using the phone when
                Jerry calls to tell her the news)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling 
               from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just 
               calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm
               getting another call. Hang on just a second.
               Hello?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hi. Elaine, it's me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, I'm on the other line.

               
                             JERRY
               No no - this is an emergency - get off 
               the phone.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to 
               take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! 
               George and I are moving to California!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               That's the emergency?

               
                             JERRY
               Did you hear what I said?

               
                             ELAINE
               I was on the other line talking to Jill.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Jill? Well, why didn't you say so?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You said it was an emergency.

               
                             JERRY
               So now she's lost a phone face-off? 
               That's even worse than your cell phone 
               walk-and-talk.
 
               
               (Jerry is telling his parents the good
                news about Jerry)

               
                             HELEN
               Congratulations, they're doing the show.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               They should have put that show on 5 
               years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. 
               Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's 
               all crap on TV. The only thing I watch 
               is Xena the Warrior Princess. She must 
               be about six-six.
 
               
                             HELEN
               She's not six-six.

               
                             MORTY
               Jerry, you ever watch that?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's pretty good.

               
               (George is telling his parents the news.)

               
                             ESTELLE
               They picked up the show?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm moving to California.

               
                             FRANK
               Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places, 
               I told you.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               The NBC guy liked it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course he liked it.

               
                             ESTELLE
               He told you he liked it?

               
                             GEORGE
               He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like 
               it.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, what are you doing?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm writing.

               
                             ESTELLE
               You know how to write?

               
                             FRANK
               Without the writing, you have nothing. 
               You're the ones that make them look 
               good.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Since when do you know how to write? 
               I never saw you write anything.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ma?!

               
                             ESTELLE
               I don't know how you're going to write 
               all those shows. And where are you get 
               all the ideas?
 
               
                             FRANK
               Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter 
               his confidence!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't need any ideas. It's a show 
               about nothing.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Nothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth 
               - the whole thing sounds pretty stupid 
               to me.
 
               
               (Jerry is on the phone with his agent,
                Kramer walks in.)

               
                             JERRY
               NBC is letting me use their private 
               jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's 
               fantastic! Thanks. Great.
 
               
               Okay, bye.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh hey!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey - how was the beach?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas 
               - some major femininas
 
               
                             JERRY
               I had a little meeting today at NBC. 
               What are you doing?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, I went swimming and I can't 
               get this water out of my ear.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So do you remember five years ago, we 
               did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well, the new 
               guy at NBC wants to do it. 
               
               They're putting it on the air! They're 
               giving us a 13-episode commitment. George
               and I are moving to California!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You're moving to California?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, only for a while.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the 
               show's a hit? You could be out there 
               for years! You might never come back.

               
                             JERRY
               No, I'll be back.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's 
               a seductress, she's a siren, she's a 
               virgin, she's a whore.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And my agent said as a bonus, I can 
               use their private jet, so we'll all 
               go somewhere - the four of us, one big 
               fling before George and I go to California.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Fling!

               


               
               (The group is sitting at their table at Monks)

               
                             ELAINE
               So we can go anywhere we want?

               
                             JERRY
               Anywhere.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why are they doing this?

               
                             JERRY
               I think they want to make it up to us 
               cause they let this thing sit on their 
               shelf for five years.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               This is all very exciting.

               
                             GEORGE
               So? Where are we going?

               
                             KRAMER
               I say Japan.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why Japan?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh - geishas - they cater to your every 
               whim. They're shy at first, but they're 
               quite skilled at conversation. They 
               can discuss anything from world affairs 
               to the fine art of fishing - or baking.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh - I got it - how about Russia?

               
                             JERRY
               Russia, it's so bleak.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's not bleak - it's springtime.

               
                             JERRY
               It's still bleak.

               
                             ELAINE
               You can't be bleak in spring.

               
                             JERRY
               You can be bleak in spring.

               
                             GEORGE
               If you're bleak, you're bleak.

               
                             ELAINE
               What about Switzerland?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family, 
               huh?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's a bit hilly - no?

               
                             ELAINE
               You're not going to do any walking.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What if I want to walk around a little?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So then you'll walk down the hill and 
               we'll pick you up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What if I'm at the bottom?

               
                             ELAINE
               All right! You know what, just forget 
               it!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright - come on - come on now, people. 
               Let's face it, we're not all going to 
               agree on anything.
 
               
               Why don't we all just go to Paris?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll go to Paris.

               
                             GEORGE
               Me too.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah - oui oui.

               
                             JERRY
               So that's it - it's settled, we're going 
               to Paris.
 
               
                             GROUP
               Yeah!

               
               (Elaine walks into Jerry's apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep 
               beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call 
               Jill one more time before we go.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait, you can't make a call like that 
               on your way out. You can't rush that 
               conversation.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I can't call from the limo. Can 
               I call from the plane?
 
               
                             JERRY
               First you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, 
               then she loses a call-waiting face-off, 
               now you're talking about
 
               
               a plane call?

               
                             ELAINE
               All right, I'll just have to call her 
               from Paris.
 
               
               (Knock at the door. Jerry answers.)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, Newman. What gives?

               
                             NEWMAN
               I was speaking earlier with Kramer and 
               he mentioned something about a private 
               jet to Paris?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's right.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there 
               this time of year, and of course you 
               know I'm one-quarter French.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Oh yes, in fact I still have family 
               there. This probably won't interest 
               you, but I have a cousin there who's 
               suffering very badly. She's lost all 
               use of her muscles. She can only communicate 
               by blinking. I would so love to see 
               her - bring a ray of sunshine into her 
               tragic life. But alas, I can't afford 
               it, for I am, as you know, but a simple 
               postal worker.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's a shame.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Take me! Take me!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. 
               You're making me sick. Be a man!
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               All right! But hear me and hear me well 
               - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my 
               words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning
               is coming. When an evil wind will blow 
               through your little playworld, and wipe 
               that smug smile off your face. And I'll be
               there, in all my glory, watching - watching
               as it all comes crumbling down.
 
               
               (The group arrives by limo to the airport)

               
                             CAPTAIN
               Ah, Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             CAPTAIN
               I'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, 
               Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All set. We'll just grab the bags.
 
               
               
                             CAPTAIN
               Don't worry about that. We'll take care 
               of them for you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Just keeps on getting better and better.
 
               
               
               (Our heroes enter the plane)

               
                             JERRY
               Not bad.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wow!

               
                             KRAMER
               The only way to fly.

               
                             GEORGE
               This is it?

               
               (After take-off, the group chit-chats)

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little 
               disappointed, I thought it would be 
               a lot nicer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're complaining about a private jet?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You think this is the plane that Ted 
               Danson gets?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ted Danson is not even on the network 
               anymore.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, 
               it was a lot nicer than this one.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Will you shut up? You are ruining the 
               whole trip.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is a real piece of junk. I don't 
               even feel safe on this thing. I have 
               a good mind to write a letter toMr. 
               Kimbrough.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're not writing any letters!

               
                             ELAINE
               Will you turn around?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               You are annoying me sitting like that. 
               It's effeminate.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's effeminate to sit like this?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, I think it's a little effeminate.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How is this effeminate?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know - it just is.

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, what are you doing?

               
                             JERRY
               Still got water in your ear?

               
                             KRAMER
               Can't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked 
               inside my brain.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Would you stop that? It's not safe to 
               be jumping up and down on a plane.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I got to get it out, I can't take this 
               anymore.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, don't be fooling around up here.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer!

               
                             CAPTAIN
               Hey, get the hell out of here!

               
                             ELAINE
               What is that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh my God!

               
                             ELAINE
               What is that noise? What is that noise?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, what the hell did you do?

               
                             KRAMER
               I lost my balance.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my God!

               
                             ELAINE
               What's going on?

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               It was an accident.

               
                             GEORGE
               I told you to stop with the hopping.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my God, we're going down. We're going 
               to die!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Just when I was doing great. I told 
               you God wouldn't let me be successful.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is this it? Is this how it ends? It 
               can't- it can't end like this.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry? Jerry can you hear me?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               There's something I have to tell you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What? What is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I cheated in the contest.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               The contest - I cheated.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell 
               you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Great - I won.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, I gotta tell you something too.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, Elaine I got something I want 
               to say to you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No no - me first.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, I've always loved ..u..

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey - What's going on?

               
                             KRAMER
               We're straightening out!

               
                             ELAINE
               We're straightening out?

               
                             JERRY
               We're straightening out!

               
                             GEORGE
               We're straightening out!

               
                             GROUP
               Yeah!

               
               (Outside the plane)

               
                             CAPTAIN
               Well, again, sorry about that little 
               mishap. But once you get everything 
               checked out there shouldn't be anymore 
               problems.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Where are we?

               
                             CAPTAIN
               Latham, Massachusetts. Why don't you 
               take a cab into town, get yourself something 
               to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll 
               beep you as soon as we're ready.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay.

               
                             JERRY
               We'll see you later.

               
               (In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts)

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, what are we going to do about 
               Paris? I mean are we actually going 
               to get back on this plane?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I say we go back to New York, and take 
               a regular flight.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not getting on a regular plane now 
               - I'm all psyched up to go on a private 
               jet. No way I'm getting on a regular 
               plane.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I'm sure that they would fly us 
               first class.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               First class doesn't make it anymore. 
               Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, 
               tell him what happened and tell him 
               to get another plane down here, but 
               this time, the good one - the Ted Danson 
               plane.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'll feel him out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up.
 
               
               
                             STRANGER
               Nice day.

               
                             JERRY
               Another one?

               
               (A carjacking takes place in front of the group)

               
                             ROBBER
               Alright fatso, out of the car.

               
                             KRAMER
               I want to capture this.

               
                             ROBBER
               Come on! Gimme your wallet.

               
                             VICTIM
               Don't shoot.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, there goes the money for the lipo.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               See, the great thing about robbing a 
               fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You 
               know? They can't really chase ya!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               He's actually doing him a favor. It's 
               less money for him to buy food.
 
               
                             ROBBER
               I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, 
               come on.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call 
               NBC.
 
               
                             VICTIM
               Officer, he's stealing my car! Officer, 
               I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint! 
               He took my wallet, everything!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay, thanks anyway. They can't get 
               another plane.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, what's wrong with the plane 
               we got? They're just checking it out.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Forget it.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no, no. We're not getting on there. 
               Come on, let's go get something to eat 
               in Sticksville.
 
               
                             OFFICER
               All right, hold it right there.

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             OFFICER
               You're under arrest.

               
                             JERRY
               Under arrest? What for?

               
                             OFFICER
               Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal 
               Code.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? No, no - we didn't do anything.
 
               
               
                             OFFICER
               That's exactly right. The law requires 
               you to help or assist anyone in danger 
               as long as it's reasonable todo so.George: 
               I never heard of that.
 
               
                             OFFICER
               It's new. It's called the Good Samaritan 
               Law. Let's go.
 
               


               
               (In a cell, at the Latham County Jail)

               
                             ELAINE
               The Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why would we want to help somebody?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I know.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's what nuns and Red Cross workers 
               are for.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               The Samaritans were an ancient tribe 
               - very helpful to people.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright - um, excuse me, hi, could you 
               tell me what kind of law this is.
 
               
               
                             DEPUTY
               Well, they just passed it last year. 
               It's modeled after the French law. I 
               heard about it after Princess Diana 
               was killed and all those photographers 
               were just standing around.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah.

               
                             DEPUTY
               You're the first ones to be arrested 
               on it, probably in the whole country.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, so what's the penalty here? 
               Let's just pay the fine or something 
               and get the hell out of here.
 
               
                             DEPUTY
               Well, it's not that easy. Now see, the 
               law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 
               and as much as five years in prison.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh no no no no - we have to be in California 
               next week. We're starting a TV show.
 
               
               
                             DEPUTY
               California? Oh gosh, I don't think so. 
               Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted. 
               Better get yourselves a good lawyer.
 
               
               
               (Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office)

               
                             CHILES
               Who told you to put the cheese on? Did 
               I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't 
               tell you to put the cheese on.
 
               
               (The phone rings)

               
                             SECRETARY
               Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.

               
                             CHILES
               You people with the cheese. It never 
               ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. 
               Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of 
               it. You don't have to help anybody. 
               That's what this country's all about. 
               That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. 
               Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment 
               with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. 
               I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right 
               away.
 
               
                             PROSECUTOR
               So they got Jackie Chiles, huh?

               
                             D.A. HOYT
               Uh huh. You know what that means. This 
               whole place is going to be swarming 
               with media by the time this thing is 
               over. You're not going to be able to 
               find a hotel room in this town. The 
               whole country is going to be watching 
               us. Now we got to do whatever it takes 
               to win it, no matter what the cost. 
               The big issue in this trial is going 
               to be  character. I want you to find out
               everything you can about these people
               - and I mean everything.
 
               

                              THE END


The Finale Part 1



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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