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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE FIRE



                             Written by

                           Larry Charles




 
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               To me, the thing about birthday parties 
               is that the first birthday party you 
               have and the last birthday party you 
               have are actually quite similar. You 
               know, you just kinda sit there...you're 
               the least excited person at the party. 
               You don't even really realize that there 
               is a party. You don't know what's goin' 
               on. Both birthday parties, people have 
               to kinda help you blow out the candles, 
               you can't do it...you don't even know 
               why you're doing it. What is this ritual? 
               What is going on? It's also the only 
               two birthday parties where other people 
               have to gather your friends together 
               for you. Sometimes they're not even 
               your friends. They make the judgement. 
               They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, 
               and they tell you - 'these are your 
               friends! Tell them thank you for coming 
               to my birthday party.'
 
               
               Elaine, Kramer, and Kramer's excitable girlfriend Toby in Elaine's 
               office at Pendant. They're looking at proofs for Kramer's "coffee 
               table book about coffee tables."
 
               
                             TOBY
               These are great! Just great! Really 
               great! Really, really great! Don't you 
               think so, Elaine?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, really great.

               
                             TOBY
               A coffee table book about coffee tables! 
               (To Kramer) How did you come up with 
               this idea?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It was there!

               
                             TOBY
               Oh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm 
               a coffee table, put some coffee on me! 
               Oh, the hotter the better, that's what 
               I'm here for!' (laughs)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Actually, I've got some work I gotta 
               do, so...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, how about if the book came with 
               these little fold-out legs...so the 
               book itself becomes a coffee table?
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               Ohhh, that is a great idea! Really, 
               really great!
 
               
               Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment later that day.

               
                             ELAINE
               'And that coffee table is saying, put 
               some coffee on me!' I'd like to put 
               some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee 
               - right in her face! I swear! This is 
               like working with a contestant from 
               "The Price Is Right"! (demonstrates)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine, 
               listen, tell me if you think this is 
               funny - (reads comedy he's written) 
               "Men definitely hit the remote more 
               than women...men don't care what's on 
               TV, men only care what else is on TV. 
               Women want to see what the show is before 
               they change the channel, because men 
               hunt and women nest."
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, it's funny, I dunno.

               
                             JERRY
               You don't know? Come on, that's gold!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I don't know about "gold."

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, that's gold, baby.

               
                             ELAINE
               'Baby'? What, are you doing George now?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I was saying 'baby' way before George!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I don't know, don't ask me any 
               more questions about jokes, Jerry, it 
               puts too much pressure on me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna 
               be there tomorrow night.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, who's he?

               
                             JERRY
               He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly. 
               I would like to have a good show.
 
               
               
               (Kramer enters.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Danke schoen, my little dumplings.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, how about that Toby, huh?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, how about her?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh, she's a package full of energy!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, she's a package full of something.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               And that something is life. Jerry, you 
               gotta meet this gal - she's brimmin' 
               with positivity!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, pleeeeease. (moves to the living 
               room and sits down)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, are you performing tomorrow night?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Great, I'm gonna bring Toby.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being 
               reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna 
               be there.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry. 
               (imitates Toby) Really, really great!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you want to sit with George? I 
               think he's coming with Robin.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Is that the waitress from the comedy 
               club?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               What about her kid, is she bringing 
               him, too?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               She's got a kid?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you should see George get along 
               with this kid!
 
               
               George and Robin in a booth at the coffee shop. Robin's kid is 
               under the table.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ow! What are you doing under there? 
               Hey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's 
               not food! (to Robin) He's suckin' down 
               Equal packets!
 
               
                             ROBIN
               Do you think 25 kids is too much?

               
                             GEORGE
               25 kids for his birthday party? (to 
               kid under table) Don't put your tongue 
               on the floor! He's putting his tongue 
               on the floor! Here, here, have some 
               more sugar packets.
 
               
                             ROBIN
               So, what about entertainment? (to kid) 
               Should I get Barney?
 
               
                             KID
               No Barney!

               
                             ROBIN
               Maybe a clown.

               
                             GEORGE
               How about Bozo?

               
                             KID
               Who's Bozo?

               
                             GEORGE
               Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who 
               Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the 
               Clown was the clown, bar none.
 
               
                             ROBIN
               George...

               
                             GEORGE
               With the orange hair, and the big clown 
               shirt with the ruffles...
 
               
                             ROBIN
               George...

               
                             GEORGE
               And the TV show! He had cartoons!

               
                             ROBIN
               George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's 
               out. He's finished. It's over for Bozo.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, when I was a kid, we didn't 
               have these elaborate birthday parties 
               with catered food and entertainment. 
               I remember my 7th birthday party...
 
               
               
               
                             FRANK
               Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, 
               I said! Blow out the damn candles!
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!
 
               
               
                             ROBIN
               Well, this time, you can blow out the 
               candles.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nah, I have asthma. (Robin's kid grabs 
               George's leg from under the table, and 
               George struggles.)
 
               
               Elaine in her office at work. Toby enters.

               
                             TOBY
               Hi!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, Toby.

               
                             TOBY
               How are you doing today?

               
                             ELAINE
               Fine... (Toby sits and waits for Elaine 
               to speak.) How are you?
 
               
                             TOBY
               Oh, I'm great! Just great. Really great! 
               Oh, hey - did you hear about Bob Rosen?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Nope.

               
                             TOBY
               He is going to Knopp. He is going to 
               be a vice president.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's 
               an opening here for senior editor...has 
               Lippman, uh, hired anyone?
 
               
                             TOBY
               No. I hear he wants to promote someone 
               in-house.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really!

               
                             TOBY
               Maybe it'll be you!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh...well...

               
                             TOBY
               You really deserve it. I mean, you have 
               experience, seniority...Lippman really 
               respects your opinion...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well! Well, it could be you.

               
                             TOBY
               No...

               
                             ELAINE
               No, really.

               
                             TOBY
               Really? You think so?

               
                             ELAINE
               Sure.

               
                             TOBY
               Boy, wouldn't that be exciting!

               
                             ELAINE
               I mean, stranger things have happened...
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               Wow! Me! A senior editor! (deadly serious) 
               I'd like that.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up, 
               Toby.
 
               
                             TOBY
               Well, it's a possibility, like you said! 
               Stranger things have happened! Thank 
               you, Elaine. Thank you. (Exits.)
 
               
               Jerry and Ronnie the Prop Comic backstage at the comedy club.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Ronnie. (To bartender) Can I have 
               a club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight?
 
               
               
                             RONNIE
               Yeah. You?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             RONNIE
               You know Leonard Christian's here?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I know.

               
                             RONNIE
               Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils 
               getting bigger?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't...think so.

               
                             RONNIE
               Are you sure? Take a good look. They 
               seem a little bigger?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't...I dunno.

               
                             RONNIE
               Is it possible for nostrils to expand?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, is this a bit?

               
                             RONNIE
               Hey, I don't do "bits." I'm a prop comic. 
               Dammit, I can't find my water gun. I 
               can't go on without my water gun.
 
               
               
               (Kramer and Toby enter.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry. Toby, this is Jerry.

               
                             TOBY
               This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps! 
               (To Jerry) Touch! Touch them! (Jerry 
               touches her arm. Toby screeches with 
               excitement.) I've never been to a comedy 
               club before!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really! You know, a lot of restaurants 
               are serving brewed decaf now, too.
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               You are so funny!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear.
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't 
               believe him. I believe you. I believe 
               you! Oh, he's so funny! (laughs)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What about me?

               
                             TOBY
               What about you? (laughs) I'm only kidding. 
               You're funny, too. I love to laugh.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Good, good.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, you up next?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, why don't you guys get a table 
               so you'll have good seats?
 
               
                             TOBY
               Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting 
               in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey, 
               big head, can you move out of the way? 
               I didn't pay a cover charge to stare 
               at your bald spot.' (laughs)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, so you have a good show, huh 
               buddy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             TOBY
               Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make 
               sure it's a great show!
 
               
                             JERRY
               O.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer 
               and Toby are about to exit. She turns 
               around and clutches Kramer's jacket.)
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               Oh, he's so great! This is so great! 
               I'm so excited!
 
               
               Cut to Jerry on stage. Toby and Kramer are sitting in the audience 
               near the front.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Men definitely hit the remote button 
               more than women...
 
               
                             TOBY
               Oh, really! Really! That is so true!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's 
               on TV, men only care what else is on 
               TV.
 
               
                             TOBY
               Yes! Yes! Right on! Right on! (Other 
               audience members give her puzzled looks.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               See...women really want to see what 
               the show is before they change the channel...
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               Oh, that is so true, yes!

               
                             JERRY
               ...that's why men hunt and women nest.
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! (Toby's obnoxious 
               behavior causes Jerry to completely 
               lose his place and mess up his act.)
 
               
               
               Jerry pacing the floor backstage after his act. Kramer enters.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, what's the deal? What was goin' 
               on there? I invite you down here, I 
               have an important show, and she heckles 
               me?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look, she didn't mean anything.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what is the matter with her? Is 
               she crazy?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               She's just being enthusiastic, that's 
               all!
 
               
               (Toby enters.)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey! What is wrong with you?!

               
                             TOBY
               Me? Nothing's wrong with me.

               
                             JERRY
               You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop 
               blathering throughout the whole set!
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro! 
               That's part of the show.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No! Not part of the show! Booing and 
               hissing are not part of the show! You 
               boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent 
               movies!
 
               
                             TOBY
               Well, that's the way I express myself. 
               How are you gonna make it in this business 
               if you can't take it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I can take it.

               
                             TOBY
               Let's go. (Ronnie walks by Jerry.)
 
               
               
                             RONNIE
               Hey, man. Good set.

               
               George talking to Eric, the clown at Robin's son's birthday party.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Bozo?

               
                             ERIC
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               B-O-Z-O?

               
                             ERIC
               Sorry, I...

               
                             GEORGE
               You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?
 
               
               
                             ERIC
               No!

               
                             GEORGE
               How could you not know who Bozo the 
               Clown is?
 
               
                             ERIC
               I don't know, I just don't.

               
                             GEORGE
               How can you call yourself a clown and 
               not know who Bozo is?
 
               
                             ERIC
               Hey, man - what are you hassling me 
               for? This is just a gig, it's not my 
               life. I don't know who Bozo is, what 
               - is he a clown?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Is he a clown? What, are you kidding 
               me!?
 
               
                             ERIC
               Well, what is he?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, he's a clown!

               
                             ERIC
               Alright, so what's the big deal! There's 
               millions of clowns!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, just forget it.

               
                             ERIC
               Me forget it? You should forget it! 
               You're livin' in the past, man! You're 
               hung up on some clown from the sixties, 
               man!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, very good, very good...go fold 
               your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric! 
               What kind of name is that for a clown, 
               huh?
 
               
                             ROBIN'S MOTHER
               Excuse me...you must be George! I'm 
               Robin's mother. Oh, you seem like such 
               a lovely young man!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I do what I can. (Robin comes 
               over.)
 
               
                             ROBIN
               Hi Mom, how's everything?

               
                             ROBIN'S MOTHER
               Oh, this is just a wonderful party!
 
               
               
                             ROBIN
               The burgers should be ready in a minute.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, great, great. (sniffs) What's that 
               smell? Smoke? (walks to the kitchen) 
               Hey everybody, I think I smell some 
               smoke back here...(smoke boils into 
               the doorway.) FIRE! FIRE! Get out of 
               the way!
 
               
               (The kids all scream and the party goes crazy. George barrels 
               out of the kitchen, pushing down kids, clowns and old ladies 
               in a mad panic to escape. He runs out the door and leaves everyone 
               behind.)
 
               
               Cut to George sitting in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen 
               mask on his face.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It was an inferno in there! An inferno! 
               (Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids 
               rush at George.)
 
               
                             ERIC
               There he is! That's him! (Tries to clobber 
               George with his big shoe.)
 
               
                             ROBIN'S MOTHER
               That's the coward that left us to die!
 
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               Cut back to George attempting to explain his cowardly actions 
               to Robin, her mother, Eric and a fireman from the back of the 
               ambulance at the party.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I...was trying to lead the way. We needed 
               a leader! Someone to lead the way to 
               safety.
 
               
                             ROBIN
               But you yelled "get out of my way"!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Because! Because, as the leader...if 
               I die...then all hope is lost! Who would 
               lead? The clown? Instead of castigating 
               me, you should all be thanking me. What 
               kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live 
               in, where heroes are cast as villains? 
               Brave men as cowards?
 
               
                             ROBIN
               But I saw you push the women and children 
               out of the way in a mad panic! I saw 
               you knock them down! And when you ran 
               out, you left everyone behind!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained 
               eye, I can fully understand how you 
               got that impression. What looked like 
               pushing...what looked like knocking 
               down...was a safety precaution! In a 
               fire, you stay close to the ground, 
               am I right? And when I ran out that 
               door, I was not leaving anyone behind! 
               Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my 
               life making sure that exit was clear. 
               Any other questions?
 
               
                             FIREMAN
               How do you live with yourself?

               
                             GEORGE
               Its not easy.

               
               George and Jerry at the coffee shop.

               
                             GEORGE
               So she doesn't want to see me anymore.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Did you knock her over too, or just 
               the kids?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, her too. And her mother.

               
                             JERRY
               Really? Her mother.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, 
               too, I don't know.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You probably couldn't see because of 
               the smoke.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. But it was somebody's arm.

               
                             JERRY
               So you feel "women and children first," 
               in this day and age, is somewhat of 
               an antiquated notion.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               To some degree.

               
                             JERRY
               So basically, it's every man, woman, 
               child, and invalid for themselves.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               In a manner of speaking.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's honest.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. She should be commending me for 
               treating everyone like equals.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, perhaps when she's released from 
               the burn center, she'll see things differently.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Perhaps.

               
                             JERRY
               So, what was the fire? Just a couple 
               of greasy hamburgers?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with 
               his big shoe.
 
               
                             JERRY
               By the way, did you see this? (Hands 
               George a magazine)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What's that?

               
                             JERRY
               It's the Leonard Christian article about 
               my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled, 
               I betcha it's because of the article.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Wow, he really does a number on you. 
               (reads) "Seinfeld froze like a deer 
               in the headlights in the face of incessant 
               heckling."
 
               
                             JERRY
               I should have let her have it! I held 
               back because of Kramer.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know what you oughta do. You should 
               go to her office and heckle her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, right.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, like all the comedians always 
               say, 'How would you like it if I came 
               to where you work and heckled you?'
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that'd be something.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not kidding, you should do it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's 
               revenge? I've always had a fantasy about 
               doing that.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, go ahead! Do it!

               
                             JERRY
               Why can't I?

               
                             GEORGE
               No reason!

               
                             JERRY
               You know what? I think I'm gonna do 
               that! She came down to where I work, 
               I'll go down to where she works!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is unprecedented!

               
                             JERRY
               There's no precedent, baby!

               
                             GEORGE
               What...are you using my babies now?
 
               
               
               Toby in her office at Pendant. Jerry pokes his head in the door.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals 
               to work? It's always nice to walk into 
               a room and get the aroma of feet. That's 
               real conducive to the work atmosphere. 
               I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate 
               it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office. 
               Great idea! We can check on her bunions!'
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               You know, I have work to do here! I'm 
               very busy!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, is this disruptive? You find it 
               hard to work with someone...interrupting?
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               Well, how would you like it if I called 
               security?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Security? Well, I don't know how you're 
               gonna make it in this business if you 
               can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo! 
               Boooo!
 
               
               (Kramer arrives just as Toby gets upset and storms out.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait a second, what's happenin' here? 
               Toby! Toby!
 
               
               (Street outside. We hear screeching tires and Toby screaming, 
               "My pinky toe!" Kramer is heard yelling "Toby!" and is shown 
               with a shocked expression on his face.)
 
               
               Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               What did you go up there to heckle her 
               for?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Because she came down to the club and 
               heckled me! Give her a taste of her 
               own medicine! (George enters.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, 
               alright.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What accident?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, after he heckled Toby, she got 
               so upset, she ran out of the building 
               and a street sweeper ran over her foot 
               and severed her pinky toe.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's unbelievable!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, 
               I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker 
               Jack box, filled it with ice, and took 
               off for the hospital.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You ran?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I jumped on the bus. I told the 
               driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step 
               on it."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Holy cow!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this 
               guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any 
               delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, 
               so I got out of the seat and I started 
               walking towards him. He says, "Where 
               do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" 
               I said, "Well, I got a little prize 
               for ya, buddy - " (Kramer throws two 
               quick punches and a massive uppercut) 
               - knocked him out cold!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How could you do that?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Then everybody is screamin,' because 
               the driver, he's passed out from all 
               the commotion...the bus is out of control! 
               So, I grab him by the collar, I take 
               him out of the seat, I get behind the 
               wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You're Batman.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, 
               he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! 
               So I'm fightin' him off with one hand 
               and I kept drivin' the bus with the 
               other, y'know? Then I managed to open 
               up the door, and I kicked him out the 
               door with my foot, you know - at the 
               next stop.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You kept makin' all the stops?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, what about the toe? What happened 
               to the toe?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well! I am happy to say that the little 
               guy is back in place at the end of the 
               line.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You did all this...for a pinky toe?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's a valuable appendage.

               
               Elaine in her office at work, talking with two co-workers.

               
                             JOANNE
               So, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached 
               it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really.

               
                             JOANNE
               Poor kid. What an ordeal.

               
                             MICHAEL
               And you know how extremely sensitive 
               she is...she's gonna need our full support.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, right.

               
               
                             MICHAEL
               Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something?
 
               
               
                             TOBY
               Oh no, I'll be fine...

               
               (A horde of employees flood into Elaine's office to gush over 
               Toby. Elaine is pushed to the floor as a result.)
 
               
               Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               She got the promotion?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yep.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky 
               toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt 
               so sorry for her, he didn't want to 
               hurt her feelings.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Too bad.

               
                             ELAINE
               Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I 
               mean, what is it? It's useless! It does 
               nothing. It's got that little nail that 
               is just impossible to cut. What do we 
               need it for?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Because Elaine, that's the one that 
               goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why don't you just shut the f-

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news? 
               Toby got promoted!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there, 
               remember??
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, and you know what she told me? 
               She said her first order of business 
               is to put my coffee table book into 
               the bookstores as soon as possible.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, wonderful!

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, throughout this whole thing, 
               she always kept a smile on her face.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, of course! She's deranged.

               
               Jerry and Ronnie backstage at the comedy club.

               
                             JERRY
               So, I went down to the magazine, I pleaded 
               with him to come and see me again, finally 
               he agreed to come down tonight, and 
               he's going to write another article.
 
               
               
                             RONNIE
               I heard you went down to somebody's 
               office and heckled them?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Damn right! We've been lapdogs long 
               enough!
 
               
                             RONNIE
               How could you do that? I mean, everybody's 
               talking about it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's about time one of us drew 
               a line in the sand.
 
               
                             RONNIE
               Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened 
               the door for all of us. I can't wait 
               till the next time someone heckles me.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well, won't be long.

               
                             ANNOUNCER
               Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 
               Jerry Seinfeld!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Gotta go. (heads out on stage)

               
               (George enters and sees Robin working.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Robin? Robin!

               
                             ROBIN
               George, what is it? I'm working.

               
                             GEORGE
               Robin, listen to me. The most amazing 
               thing has happened. Kramer has opened 
               my eyes. I think I've changed.
 
               
                             ROBIN
               What are you talking about?

               
                             GEORGE
               O.k....(is about to explain. Cut to 
               Jerry on-stage.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I mean, Bozo the Clown...does he really 
               need "the clown" in his title, as clown? 
               Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse 
               him with Bozo the district attorney? 
               Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo...
 
               
               
               Cut back to George explaining his situation to Robin.

               
                             GEORGE
               ...you'll see, things will be different 
               now - if you just give me one more chance.
 
               
               
                             ROBIN
               Listen...I gotta think about this. (walks 
               away.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, but I'm serious about this.
 
               
               
                             RONNIE
               Alright, hand it over man!

               
               Cut back to Jerry onstage.

               
                             JERRY
               ...that's why men hunt and women nest.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               He's got a gun! He's got a gun! (Tries 
               to flee the bar in a mad panic. The 
               audience in the club also goes nuts 
               and heads for the exits. Jerry stands 
               onstage, perplexed.)
 
               
               Cut back to George in the bar.

               
                             ROBIN
               George! This is Ronnie Kaye!

               
                             GEORGE
               The prop comic? (Ronnie holds up his 
               water gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't 
               recognize you, what...did you get a 
               haircut?
 
               
                             RONNIE
               Nostrils.

               
               (Jerry comes backstage.)

               
                             JERRY
               George - could I have a word?

               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               I was in a hotel the other day, and 
               on the back of the door in the hotel 
               they have the fire map. I'm flattered 
               that they think I have it together enough 
               to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing 
               directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the 
               stairs, right by the candy machine...' 
               I'd probably get lost, have to go back 
               to the room, check the map again...and 
               they always tell you, no matter what, 
               whatever you do in a hotel fire - do 
               not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to 
               live, I've never panicked in my whole 
               life - it's my option. Even if they 
               find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee, 
               I heard they saved you swingin' from 
               the shower curtain naked with an ice 
               bucket on your head. What happened there?' 
               'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'




                               THE END



The Fire



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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