The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE FIX-UP



                             Written by

                     Larry Charles & Elaine Pope




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               I tell ya, I never really understood the importance of the conductor. 
               I mean
 
               between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing? Do you really 
               need
 
               somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does 
               that really help
 
               you out? I could see how we need him at the beginning. Okay, 
               tap-tap-tap,
 
               start. Okay, I can see how you need that. But once we're going, 
               okay, once
 
               it's all happening, what do we need him for then? I don't see 
               the cellist
 
               looking up, go, "I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I don't 
               know what to
 
               do." And the conductor goes, "Do this. Like this" "Oh, okay, 
               thank you very
 
               much."

               
               
               Jerry and George are seated at a table in a restaurant.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why even try anymore? There's no sense 
               to it. I'm never gonna meet
 
               anybody, I should just accept it.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yes you will.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I won't.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, maybe you won't.

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman 
               you dislike, much less like.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are my nostrils getting bigger?

               
                             GEORGE
               No. Why must it be so difficult? Why 
               is there all this tension and
 
               hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street 
               and say, "Hi. I'm
 
               George. How are you?" Is that so terrible?

               
               Just then a beautiful woman walks past their table, George offers 
               up a meek 'Hi'
 
               which the woman ignores as she passed. George then says 'Hi' 
               a few more times
 
               as he reaches for and drinks from his water glass, as though 
               we was saying that
 
               anyway and it had nothing to do with the woman. (Funnier to watch 
               than read.)
 
               
               
               
               Elaine and a friend, Cynthia, are seated at a table in another 
               restaurant.
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               There's just no men out there, you know?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I know.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               I mean the problem is that the good 
               ones know they're good. And they
 
               know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining 
               themselves
 
               to one person.

               
                             ELAINE
               I hate the good ones.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               Is Jerry one of the good ones?

               
                             ELAINE
               That's a good question, I think he thinks 
               he is.
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               Well, the mediocre ones are available, 
               but they're so insecure about
 
               not being one of the good ones that they're always going, "Well 
               I'm not good
 
               enough for you, what are you doing with me?" and eventually I 
               just go, "You're
 
               right."

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, maybe you need somebody between 
               good and mediocre.
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing, 
               somebody who just has to
 
               appreciate being with me because he's so desperate.

               
               
               Cut back to George and Jerry, George is eating sloppily.

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean it's gotten to the point where 
               I'm flirting with operators on
 
               the phone. I almost made a date with one.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, so there's still hope.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. 
               My dream is to become
 
               hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you 
               don't care, that
 
               indifference makes you attractive.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, so hopelessness is the key.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's my only hope.

               
               
               Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               See, I wouldn't really mind so much, 
               but I feel badly for my mother.
 
               I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But, 
               I'm telling
 
               you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have 
               to kill her
 
               because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her 
               through that.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, at least you're not bitter.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               Who says I'm not bitter?

               
                             ELAINE
               Aren't you too young to be bitter?
 
               
               
                             CYNTHIA
               No, you can be young and bitter, just 
               maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna
 
               be ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Don't worry, your bitterness is safe 
               with me.
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               Um, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna 
               go throw up.
 
               
               
               
               Jerry and Elaine are reading the newspaper at Jerry's apartment.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from 
               the paper. You know, they should
 
               give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So what'd you do last night?

               
                             JERRY
               Went out with George, you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Went out with Cynthia.

               
                             JERRY
               How was it? What'd you talk about?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you know, the usual; The Federal 
               Reserve, the rainforest.
 
               Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get 
               rid of it in one
 
               fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation. 
               What
 
               about you?

               
                             JERRY
               We brushed on that. Actually, George 
               was in rare form. He just can't
 
               find anybody.

               
                             ELAINE
               I know, Cynthia too. She's really given 
               up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               George too.

               
               They look at each other for a moment.

               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               Yeah, right.

               
                             JERRY
               I've never fixed anybody up.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, me neither and I am not about to 
               start with George.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well why wouldn't you start with George? 
               You think she's too good for
 
               George?

               
                             ELAINE
               I didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too 
               good'?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well you implied it.

               
                             ELAINE
               I didn't say it.

               
                             JERRY
               Because if you think she's too good 
               for George, you are dead wrong.
 
               Dead wrong. Who is she?

               
                             ELAINE
               Who is he?

               
                             JERRY
               He's George!

               
                             ELAINE
               She's Cynthia!

               
                             JERRY
               So what?

               
                             ELAINE
               What, you don't think she's beautiful?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, what's with the eyebrows?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You know what your problem is? Your 
               standards are too high.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I went out with you.

               
                             ELAINE
               That's because my standards are too 
               low. And by the way, you know,
 
               women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women 
               pluck their
 
               real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, 
               Jerry. Bald
 
               above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look 
               like that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well let me tell you something about 
               George. He is fast. He can run
 
               like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred 
               pounds over his
 
               head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look 
               at him, but
 
               George can bait a hook.

               
                             ELAINE
               He can really do that?

               
                             JERRY
               Come on, let's do it, I think they'll 
               really get along.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What, are you into this?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, come on, it's a good match.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're 
               gonna be telling us how
 
               their dates went. Are we gonna share that information?

               
                             JERRY
               Naturally.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell 
               each other everything, I mean
 
               every secret?

               
                             JERRY
               Everything.

               
                             ELAINE
               What if it worked out?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah right.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               Out of the question. Out of the question!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               No! I'm not gonna do that! That's one 
               step away from personal ads!
 
               And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What 
               does she look
 
               like?

               
                             JERRY
               She's good looking.

               
                             GEORGE
               How good looking?

               
                             JERRY
               Very good looking.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really good looking?

               
                             JERRY
               Really very good looking.

               
                             GEORGE
               Would you take her out?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I would take her out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, you hesitated.

               
                             JERRY
               What hesitate? I didn't hesitate!

               
                             GEORGE
               No, something's off here, you hesitated.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm telling you, she's good looking.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What about the body, what kind of body?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Good body, nice body.

               
                             GEORGE
               How nice?

               
                             JERRY
               Nice.

               
                             GEORGE
               Just nice?

               
                             JERRY
               Pretty nice.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really good?

               
                             JERRY
               Really very nice and good.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about personality?

               
                             JERRY
               Good personality. Funny. Bright.

               
                             GEORGE
               Smarter than me? I don't want anyone 
               smarter than me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How could she be smarter than you?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, let's see, let's see. What 
               else. What else. Oh yeah, what
 
               does she do?

               
               
               
               Elaine and Cynthia are having a similar discussion.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               First of all, what does he do?

               
                             ELAINE
               He was in real estate, um, now, he's 
               not working right now-
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               He's not working?! How come he's not 
               working?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, um, he, he got fired.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               Why did he get fired?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried 
               to poison his boss.
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               Excuse me?

               
                             ELAINE
               Such a long story, Cynthia, seriously, 
               I mean he just had some problems
 
               at work.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               Is he nuts?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, no, he's a really really funny 
               guy.
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               What does he look like?

               
                             ELAINE
               Pardon?

               
                             CYNTHIA
               What does he look like?

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, well, he's got a lot of character 
               in his face. Um, he's short.
 
               Um, he's stocky.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               Fat. Is that what you're saying, that 
               he's fat?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Powerful. He is so powerful, he can 
               lift a hundred pounds right up
 
               over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, 
               he's kind
 
               of, just kind of losing his hair.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               He's bald?

               
                             ELAINE
               No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's 
               balding.
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               So he will be bald.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yup.

               
               
               Cut back to Jerry and George.

               
                             GEORGE
               What kind of hair?

               
                             JERRY
               You know, long dark hair.

               
                             GEORGE
               Flowing?

               
                             JERRY
               Flowing?

               
                             GEORGE
               Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading 
               hair. Thick lustrous hair is
 
               very important to me.

               
                             JERRY
               'Thick lustrous hair is very important 
               to me,' is that what you said?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, that's right.

               
                             JERRY
               Just clarifying.

               
                             GEORGE
               Let me ask you this. If you stick your 
               hand in the hair is it easy to
 
               get it out?

               
                             JERRY
               Do you want to be able to get it out 
               or do you want to not be able to
 
               get it out?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'd like to be able to get it out.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I think you'll get it out.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about the skin? I need a good cheek, 
               I like a good cheek.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's got a fine cheek.

               
                             GEORGE
               Is there a pinkish hue?

               
                             JERRY
               A pinkish hue?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, a rosy glow.

               
                             JERRY
               There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, 
               women kill to have her
 
               eyebrows.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet? 
               I like sweet. But not too
 
               sweet, you could throw up from that.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think you'll throw up. *She* 
               likes to throw up.
 
               
               
               Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               Has he ever been married?

               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               Has he been close?

               
                             ELAINE
               He once spent a weekend with a woman.
 
               
               
                             CYNTHIA
               He didn't really try to poison his boss?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, he did.

               
               
               
               The next day, George is back at Jerry's.

               
                             GEORGE
               We had an incredible phone conversation. 
               We talked for like twenty
 
               minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You 
               know, I thought
 
               she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber?

               
                             JERRY
               I think it's tamber.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she 
               could do voiceover commercials,
 
               why didn't you tell me about her voice?

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't notice the voice.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's mellifluous!

               
                             JERRY
               So, Saturday night.

               
                             GEORGE
               She had to be impressed by that conversation, 
               had to! It was a great
 
               performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they 
               should just have
 
               two phones on the table at the restaurant, done.

               
               Elaine enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! Saturday night!

               
                             ELAINE
               I know!

               
                             GEORGE
               So, what did she say?

               
                             ELAINE
               She said you're getting together Saturday 
               night!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               She didn't mention anything about the 
               conversation?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Now, you see, I don't get that. We had 
               a relaxed stimulating, great
 
               conversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention 
               it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               She could have mentioned the conversation.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, alright, I'll go on the date, 
               but that's that.
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know my friend, Bob Sacamano?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, the guy from Jersey?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. He just got a job at a condom 
               factory in Edison. Look at this,
 
               he gave me a gross.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you gonna do with all of them?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. 
               Grab 'em.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No thanks, they look like they came 
               out of a cereal box.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, Elaine, here, take half a bag.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, 
               they look kind of cheap.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll take one. It's possible.

               
               
               Mid-episode monologue.

               
               The problem with the condom is still buying them. I think we 
               should have like a
 
               secret signal with the druggist that you just walk into the drugstore, 
               you go up
 
               to the counter, he looks at you and if you go like this (nods) 
               he puts them in
 
               the bag for you, that's it. You show up there, you put your little 
               shaving
 
               cream, your little toothpaste, you know, "How are you today?" 
               (nods) "Have a
 
               nice day." "You too."

               
               
               
               Elaine and Jerry are on the phone, waiting for George and Cynthia's 
               date to end.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So where are they already, it's a quarter 
               to twelve, they should be back
 
               by now, what did they do?

               
                             ELAINE
               I think they went out to dinner.

               
                             JERRY
               Wait, I got another call. That must 
               be him. (clicks over) Hello?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, it's me, I just got home.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hold on. (clicks back) It's George, 
               he just got home.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other 
               line.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'll call you back as soon 
               as I'm done.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Remember our pact. Full disclosure.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Of course. (clicks back to George) Yeah, 
               go ahead.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but 
               I made a pact with Cynthia, we
 
               swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               You can tell me, I'll vault it.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's in the vault?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm locking the vault. What?

               
                             GEORGE
               We had sex.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god, you had sex, how did that 
               happen?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know. I closed my eyes and made 
               a move.
 
               
                             JERRY
               At your apartment?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               She didn't stay over?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, she left. Listen, you can't mention 
               any of this to Elaine.
 
               Cynthia will kill me, we made a deal.

               
               Cut to Elaine on the phone with Cynthia.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my god.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               He was uncomfortable because it was 
               our first time so he felt he would
 
               
               perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen 
               is always the
 
               most sociable room in the house. And he was serious.

               
                             ELAINE
               So? How was it?

               
                             CYNTHIA
               How good could it be? My head was on 
               a hot plate.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Wait, I got another call, that must 
               be Jerry.
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               Oh wait, don't you tell him any of this.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, ok. (clicks over) Hello?

               
                             JERRY
               So, what did she have to say?

               
                             ELAINE
               What did he have to say?

               
                             JERRY
               He said they had a good time.

               
                             ELAINE
               Her too.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, good.

               
                             ELAINE
               Anything else?

               
                             JERRY
               Nope. You?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nope.

               
                             JERRY
               You sure?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yup. You?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright. Well uh, guess everything is 
               under control.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Okay then.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright. Goodnight.

               
                             JERRY
               Goodnight.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               I left three messages. I can't believe 
               this woman. She has sex with
 
               me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again. 
               What kind of a
 
               person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm gonna do something about this.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What are you gonna do?

               
                             JERRY
               Nevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting 
               there on the kitchen floor
 
               like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir, 
               whatever.
 
               She's not going to get away with this.

               
                             GEORGE
               I keep wracking my brain to try and 
               figure out what I did. I was
 
               smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress 
               so she could see I
 
               could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm gonna call her.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, don't call her.

               
                             JERRY
               No, I'm calling her.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, Jerry, don't call.

               
                             JERRY
               No, forget it, I'm gonna call.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't want you to call.

               
                             JERRY
               Get away from me, I'm gonna call her.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Give me the phone!

               
                             JERRY
               George, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna 
               fight?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, I'm gonna kill you!

               
               Kramer enters and gets between them to break up the fight.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George, 
               now stop it!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'll just call her when you leave!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You can't do that, it's none of your 
               business!
 
               
                             JERRY
               It is so my business!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey hey hey! I don't want to hear another 
               word out of either one of
 
               you!

               
               
                             GEORGE
               But tell him to give me the--

               
                             KRAMER
               Ay ay ay! The next one of you that opens 
               up your mouth, says
 
               something, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet 
               I know what this
 
               is about. It's about a woman, isn't it?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but--

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah yeah! You see, this is exactly 
               what they want to do to you. They
 
               
               play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you 
               like that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But Kramer--

               
                             KRAMER
               Noh noh noh! I want you guys to shake 
               hands. Come on, there are
 
               plenty of women out there for all of us, let's go.

               
               Jerry and George shake hands.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes. You see? Isn't that better than 
               fighting? Animosity? I mean,
 
               you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the 
               way George, you
 
               know those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Right.

               
                             GEORGE
               Defective?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Defective.

               
                             GEORGE
               How could you give me a defective condom?!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I didn't even know they were defective.
 
               
               
               Jerry gets between them to break up the fight.

               
                             KRAMER
               Didn't even thin you were gonna use 
               them.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean you didn't think I 
               wasn't gonna use them?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Take it easy, you guys, just spread 
               out! Don't worry about it, if
 
               anything was wrong she would have called you already!

               
               
               
               Elaine answers her door, it's Cynthia.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               I missed my period.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my god.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               I am very worried, I am never late.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               But he used a condom, right?

               
                             CYNTHIA
               I know, but these things aren't always 
               foolproof.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh no.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Was it blue?

               
                             CYNTHIA
               Yeah. How'd you know?

               
                             ELAINE
               Just a hunch.

               
               
               
               Jerry is in his apartment trying to open a bottle of soda.

               
                             JERRY
               Ow! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist 
               off!
 
               
               Elaine walks in and give him a funny look.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi. Soda?

               
                             ELAINE
               No thanks.

               
                             JERRY
               So tell me. What's the problem with 
               your little flaky friend? She
 
               doesn't return calls?

               
                             ELAINE
               Who are you to talk about her like that? 
               She'll call him when she's
 
               good and ready. You don't even know her.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I know her. I know her type.

               
                             ELAINE
               Her type? What type?

               
                             JERRY
               The type that doesn't return phone calls. 
               I knew we shouldn't have done
 
               this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you!

               
                             ELAINE
               You told me? You pushed this whole thing 
               on me, it was your idea!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I was just trying to help your bitter, 
               twisted friend.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               She's not bitter!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, bitter's a judgement call, but 
               she's twisted!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Twisted? God, I did you a favor.

               
                             JERRY
               I thought you said they had a good time, 
               is there anything else you're
 
               keeping from me?

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you calling me a liar?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm calling you one if you are one, 
               are you a liar?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Are you?

               
                             JERRY
               Get your finger out of my face.

               
                             ELAINE
               You get yours out, I was here first!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't care.

               
                             ELAINE
               Get it out!

               
               Kramer walks in just as this argument begins to turn into a slap 
               fight, and gets
 
               in the middle.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it! 
               Come on, break it up! What's the
 
               matter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with 
               each other? I
 
               mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around 
               out there looking
 
               for something that's not even there, when everything that you 
               dream of is right
 
               here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that? 
               By the way,
 
               when you see George give him these, these'll work.

               
                             ELAINE
               I knew those condoms were defective!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How did you know they were defective?!
 
               
               
               George walks in.

               
                             ELAINE
               Because! Because she missed her period!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               She missed her period? Oh my god. I 
               can't believe it! I'm a father!
 
               I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!

               
               George rushes out, hysterical.

               
               
               
               Elaine and Cynthia are at a restaurant.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               So he shows up. He's all out of breath. 
               He's disheveled. And he
 
               tells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine 
               with him and
 
               that I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support 
               me in whatever
 
               way I need. Elaine, I was speechless.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know 
               somebody.
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               I said to him, "I really appreciate 
               this, but I just got my period."
 
               And so, I asked him to come in, he came in--

               
               George and Jerry walk up, Jerry is limping.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi!

               
                             GEORGE
               Sorry, we're a little late. We got so 
               hung up in traffic.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What happened?

               
                             JERRY
               Acting.

               
                             ELAINE
               Very mature.

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you. Hi Cynthia.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               Well this is a great place to sit you 
               got here.
 
               
                             CYNTHIA
               Best seat in the house. (Looking at 
               George) right next to the
 
               kitchen.

               
                             GEORGE
               Stop it, stop it.

               
                             JERRY
               So what are these?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, we ordered some appetizers. Start 
               eating.
 
               
               George stars eating like a slob, Cynthia looks at him funny. 
               You get the idea
 
               that the relationship has just ended.

               
                             GEORGE
               This is good. Oh, this is good.

               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               Have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought 
               they would
 
               have a good time. And a little power trip for you, isn't it? 
               Now, you're
 
               playing god. Of course god was the first person to fix people 
               up. He fixed up
 
               Adam and Eve. You know, I'm sure he said to Adam, "She's nice. 
               She's very free
 
               about her body, doesn't really wear that much. She was going 
               out with a snake, I think that's over though."

               
               
               
                                    THE END



The Fix-Up



Writers :   Larry Charles  Elaine Pope
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy