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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE FRIARS CLUB



                             Written by

                            David Mandel




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               The other thing I love is when you're 
               in the middle of a dream, and the alarm 
               goes off. You incorporate the sound 
               of the alarm into the dream, so you 
               can keep sleeping. And you'll make any 
               adjustment in the dream to do it. I 
               was with Marie Antoinette in a dream 
               last night, and she was on the guillotine, 
               the blade came down, her head fell into 
               the basket, it rolled over and she started 
               singing Neil Diamond's 'Solitary Man'. 
               And, I thought, "That is not my alarm 
               going off. This is actually happening."
 
               
               
               
               (Street, New York)

               
               An elated George leaps around the corner, kicking a cab's door 
               closed and
 
               clapping his hands together.

               
                             GEORGE
               (joyful) June. It's June.

               
               George begins trotting down the street. He acknowledges a passerby 
               and
 
               high-fives him.

               
                             GEORGE
               (high-fiving) Hey!

               
               George continues his joyful path along the sidewalk, with his 
               hands raised
 
               above his head in celebration.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's June.
 
               
               
               George takes the hand of a female passerby and dances a few steps 
               with her,
 
               twirling her round.

               
                             GEORGE
               June, June, June.

               
               Releasing the woman, George euphorically prances along, laughing 
               and smiling.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to passerby) Hey, he-hah. It's June, 
               June.
 
               
               George leaps onto the footing of a streetlight and spins on it, 
               in
 
               time-honoured musical fashion.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's Juu-uu-une! Hey hay. Yes.

               
               George leaps from the streetlight onto the road, where he spreads 
               his arms
 
               and spins.

               
                             GEORGE
               I love Juu-uuu-uu-uune!

               
               A car brakes behind George and sounds its horn. George flinches, 
               and jigs
 
               nervously out from in front of the automobile and back to the 
               pavement.
 
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               George pushes open the door and enters, still ebullient. He punches 
               the air
 
               as he looks to Jerry.

               
                             GEORGE
               June. Juune, baby!

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               The catering hall screwed up. The wedding 
               is delayed until June. It's
 
               like a stay of execution.

               
                             JERRY
               Dead man walking.

               
                             GEORGE
               (pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement) 
               Ha-ha-hah. This is my lucky
 
               day.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, one outta twenty thousand. That's 
               not bad.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Hey, wait a second, you know, 
               good news for you too. Susan's
 
               best friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend.

               
                             JERRY
               She did?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               So? Wheels?

               
                             GEORGE
               In motion. The wheels are in motion.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Beautiful.

               
                             GEORGE
               Aah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works 
               out, forget about it.
 
               Vacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's 
               almost as good
 
               as if I didn't get married.

               
                             JERRY
               So, set it up. You know what, we could 
               have dinner at the Friars Club.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The Friars Club?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper 
               said he would put me up for
 
               membership.

               
               Kramer opens the door and leans in.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh, 
               do me a favour, will you? I got
 
               a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up 
               in twenty
 
               minutes, alright?

               
                             JERRY
               Catnap?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary. 
               I been reading this
 
               book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you 
               know that?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (deadpan) That must be some book.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, turns out that the master 
               slept only twenty minutes every
 
               three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days, 
               that I'm awake
 
               per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I 
               will have lived
 
               the equivalent of a hundred and five years.

               
                             JERRY
               Just imagine how much more you'll accomplish.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper, 
               buddy.
 
               
               Kramer heads for the door.

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't know you had a hopper.

               
                             KRAMER
               (smiling) Oh, I got a hopper. A big 
               hopper.
 
               
               Kramer exits, closing the door behind him.

               
               
               (Conference Room, J. Peterman)

               
               A number of executives are seated round a table, with J Peterman 
               at the head
 
               of the table.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Alright, people, I'd like to begin with 
               a hearty hail and well-met
 
               good fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business 
               Affairs.
 
               
               Peterman indicates a guy sitting next to Elaine. The other executives 
               give
 
               Bob some quiet applause, which he acknowledges with a slight 
               wave.
 
               
                             BOB
               Thanks. Hi everybody.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Bob, we have a little baptism by fire 
               for you, so to speak.
 
               
               Elaine leans over to the guy sitting on the other side of her 
               from Bob.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (whispers) Poor bastard.

               
                             PETERMAN
               (to Bob) I want you to handle all the 
               fact-checking and the
 
               copy-editing for the new catalogue.

               
               Bob looks blank and fiddles with something behind his ear.

               
                             BOB
               Ah, could you repeat that?

               
                             PETERMAN
               (slower and louder) Why don't you handle 
               all the copy-editing?
 
               
               Bob pulls a face and points to indicate all is not well with 
               his hearing.
 
               
                             BOB
               (apologetic) I..I'm sorry. What?

               
                             PETERMAN
               (louder still) Copy-editing!

               
               Peterman sees he's not getting through to Bob, and gives up.
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               Eh, never mind. (turns to Elaine) Elaine, 
               you do it.
 
               
               Elaine does a double-take at hearing this, looking dismayed. 
               Bob has a
 
               hearing aid out of his ear and manipulates it before slipping 
               it back in.
 
               
               
               (Friars Club Lobby)

               
               Jerry, George, Susan, and Hallie stand before the maitre d' of 
               the rather
 
               fancy Friars Club. Jerry has no jacket

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made 
               a reservation for me.
 
               
                             MAITRE D'
               Yes, Mr Seinfeld, but uhm, all gentlemen 
               are required to wear
 
               jackets in the dining room.

               
                             JERRY
               (downcast) Oh, I'm sorry.

               
                             HALLIE
               (smiling) How embarrassing this must 
               be for you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (jocular) You just bought your own dinner.
 
               
               
               George, Susan and Hallie laugh at his little joke.

               
                             MAITRE D'
               No problem. Please, follow me.

               
               The maitre d' strides away, Jerry follows.

               
                             JERRY
               (passing Hallie) 'Scuse me.

               
                             GEORGE
               (smiling) Ho ho. Funny. Isn't he funny? 
               Funny guy. Ha ha ha.
 
               
               A couple of people walk by, George raises a hand in greeting.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Friars.

               
               Jerry returns, wearing a blazer, with a crest on the breast pocket.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I 
               kinda like this little thing here.
 
               
               
               George, Susan and Hallie, all make positive noises and comments. 
               The maitre
 
               d' comes up behind Jerry and motions them to enter.

               
                             MAITRE D'
               This way please.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hup, here we go. Here we go.

               
               The four of them walk on into the restaurant, with George bringing 
               up the
 
               rear.

               
               
               (Friars Club Restaurant)

               
               Jerry, George, Susan and Hallie, sit round a table, eating. They're 
               engage in
 
               at least two separate conversations - Jerry with George and Susan 
               with
 
               Hallie.

               
                             GEORGE
               (adamant) Ah, c'mon! I'm telling you, 
               I can coach for the NFL. It's
 
               not that hard

               
               Jerry looks scornfully at George.

               
                             SUSAN
               (to Hallie) Mmm, mm, mm. Hallie (points 
               to her plate) taste this fish.
 
               It's really delicious.

               
               Hallie spears a morsel from Susan's plate and eats it.

               
                             JERRY
               (to George) That might be the stupidest 
               thing you've ever said.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry) Oh, get outta here.

               
                             JERRY
               (to George) I mean, come on. (a thought 
               occurs) No, the stupidest
 
               thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty 
               Minutes is the
 
               same guy from *Seals and Croft*.

               
                             HALLIE
               (to Susan) Mmm, it is good.

               
                             SUSAN
               (to Hallie) What do you think about 
               having fish for the wedding?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry) You watch the old videos. 
               (insistent) I'm telling you,
 
               look at him.

               
                             HALLIE
               (to Susan) Oh. Remember (indistinct) 
               wedding?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, come on.

               
                             GEORGE
               Look...

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
               The four continue chatting happily.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Kramer is asleep on Jerry's couch. Jerry enters, wearing a long 
               coat.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (looking at Kramer) This is nice.

               
               Jerry slams the door and Kramer jerks awake.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, morning.

               
                             JERRY
               Morning?

               
               Jerry removes his coat, to reveal he's wearing the crested jacket 
               from the
 
               Friars Club.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, what time is it?

               
                             JERRY
               (looks at watch) Ten-thirty.

               
                             KRAMER
               (pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together) 
               I got the whole night
 
               ahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh?
 
               
               
               Kramer passes Jerry on his way to the kitchen. Jerry looks downwards 
               at his
 
               attire.

               
                             JERRY
               (realising) Ohh, I don't believe this. 
               I forgot to give it back. It
 
               belongs to the Friars Club.

               
               Kramer has a bowl on the counter and fetches a box of cereal.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I like that crest. (he shakes 
               cereal into the bowl) Alright,
 
               here we go.

               
                             JERRY
               Breakfast?

               
                             KRAMER
               (pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important 
               meal of the day.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So this Da Vinci sleep is working out?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating, 
               Jerry. I'm telling you, I have
 
               never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen 
               to this
 
               idea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves 
               only peanut
 
               butter and jelly. (clicks tongue)

               
                             JERRY
               What d'you call it?

               
                             KRAMER
               P B and J's. What d'you think?

               
                             JERRY
               (deadpan) I think you need more sleep.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (dismissive) Ahh.

               
               Kramer picks up his bowl of cereal and heads for the door.

               
                             JERRY
               So, how'd your date work out with the 
               mysterious Connie?
 
               
               Kramer stops, with the door open, and turns back to Jerry.

               
                             KRAMER
               I am telling you, this woman is strange. 
               She never wants to leave the
 
               apartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, now you're being ridiculous.

               
                             KRAMER
               (laughing) He he, yeah.

               
               Kramer begins to exit.

               
                             JERRY
               (indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I'll be back.

               
               Kramer leaves and closes the door behind him.

               
               
               (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)

               
               It's late at night, and her's is the only light on in the building. 
               Elaine
 
               sits at a computer, typing away at the keyboard. She's surrounded 
               by piles of
 
               paperwork, which she rummages through. She sighs, frustrated 
               at being saddled
 
               with all this work.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               It's night, and Jerry lies in bed asleep. Kramer enters the room 
               quietly and
 
               sits on the edge of Jerry's bed.

               
                             KRAMER
               (quietly) Jerry.

               
               Jerry stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up.

               
                             KRAMER
               (quietly) Hey Jerry.

               
               Jerry still doesn't wake.

               
                             KRAMER
               (prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy.

               
               Jerry snaps awake, sitting up and recoiling from the figure on 
               his bed.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (startled) Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               You awake?

               
                             JERRY
               (confused) Wha..? What time is it?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               W...It's four.

               
                             JERRY
               (aghast) Four in the morning?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what's wrong with you?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm bored. I got all this free time 
               on my hands, I dunno what to do.
 
               You wanna do something?

               
                             JERRY
               No. Would you just get out?

               
                             KRAMER
               You wanna rent a movie?

               
                             JERRY
               No!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what am I gonna do?

               
               
               (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)

               
               Jerry walks over to Elaine, who is working at her computer. She 
               has a
 
               sandwich and a diet soda on her desk.

               
                             JERRY
               Ready for lunch?

               
                             ELAINE
               (irked) I'm stuck here, editing the 
               stupid catalogue, because of
 
               stupid Bob Grossberg.

               
               Jerry pulls a face, helps himself to a sandwich and sits down, 
               as Elaine
 
               turns to him.

               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, there is something really suspicious 
               about this guy. Every
 
               time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't 
               hear, and it
 
               all gets dumped on me.

               
                             JERRY
               You think he's faking?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. But I'd like to try that 
               earpiece on, see if it's real.
 
               
               Bob leans around the open door to speak.

               
                             BOB
               Hey Elaine. (he spots Jerry) Oh, you 
               have a friend.
 
               
               Jerry waves a finger in greeting.

               
                             BOB
               (to Elaine) Just wanted to say hi.
 
               
               
               Bob makes to depart, but stops as Elaine speaks.

               
                             ELAINE
               Bob, you know what? I'm kinda swamped 
               here. You think you could give
 
               me a hand with some of the catalogue?

               
                             BOB
               (cupping his hand behind his ear) I..I'm 
               sorry. What?
 
               
               Elaine leans toward Bob.

               
                             ELAINE
               (slower and louder) I'm kind of swamped.
 
               
               
               Bob smiles, and holds his tie, as if he's been complimented on 
               it.
 
               
                             BOB
               Thank you. I'm having lunch with Mr 
               P. I better get going.
 
               
               Bob smiles, gives Elaine a wink and leaves.

               
                             ELAINE
               Did you see that? Did you see that, 
               Jerry?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That was him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               Somehow I thought he'd be taller.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, listen, we'll have to do this 
               again some other time, okay? I
 
               got a lotta work to do.

               
                             JERRY
               (standing) Alright, I'll see you later.
 
               
               
               Elaine turns back to her computer. Jerry heads out the door.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright.

               
               
               (Peterman Bathroom)

               
               Bob stands at the urinal. Jerry opens the door and enters the 
               room. He sees
 
               Bob, and wonders about something. Jerry slowly crosses the room 
               until he's
 
               standing about three feet behind Bob.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Bob.

               
               Bob continues to use the urinal, without reaction.

               
                             JERRY
               Bob.

               
               Still no reaction.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Bobby, over here.

               
               Bob continues his necessary business.

               
                             JERRY
               Bob. Oh, Bob.

               
               Still nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               (louder) Bob!

               
               Bob finishes what he has to do, and half-turns to find Jerry 
               behind him.
 
               Jerry feigns innocence, Bob completes his zipping up whilst faced 
               away from
 
               Jerry.

               
                             BOB
               Hi.

               
               Jerry and Bob give embarrassed acknowledgement smiles.

               
               
               (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)

               
               Elaine types away at her computer. Jerry enters.

               
                             JERRY
               (urgent whisper) Elaine.

               
               Jerry closes the door behind him.

               
                             ELAINE
               (makes an irked noise)

               
                             JERRY
               I was just in the bathroom.

               
                             ELAINE
               (really doesn't want to know) Okay, 
               Jerry, please, please. I'm really
 
               
               busy here.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no, no. I was just in the bathroom 
               with that Bob guy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I kinda tried to test his hearing.
 
               
               
               Elaine stands and slaps Jerry on the chest with a bundle of papers.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Get out! What'd you do?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at 
               the urinal and tried to see if he
 
               
               could hear me.

               
                             ELAINE
               (hopeful) And?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, he flinched, sort of.

               
                             ELAINE
               What d'you mean, sort of? What'd he 
               do?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, he kinda moved his head, you know. 
               It mighta been on the zip up,
 
               I dunno.

               
                             ELAINE
               So you don't know anything?

               
                             JERRY
               Actually, no.

               
                             ELAINE
               (sarcasm) Alright, good job.

               
                             JERRY
               Right.

               
               Elaine goes back to work. Jerry leaves.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry sits, reading a paper, at the table. There is a knock at 
               the door.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Come in.

               
               The door slowly opens wide enough for George to lean into the 
               room. He's
 
               smiling, looks at Jerry and raises his eyebrows quizzically. 
               Jerry smiles
 
               back.

               
                             GEORGE
               (entering) Last night, huh? Was that 
               something, or was that
 
               something?

               
                             JERRY
               That was something.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah. She's great, isn't she?

               
                             JERRY
               (positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I told you.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm nuts about her.

               
                             GEORGE
               You think she could be an 'it'? Could 
               she be an 'it'?
 
               
                             JERRY
               She could be an 'it'.

               
                             GEORGE
               (claps hands triumphantly) We might 
               have an 'it'!
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's got 'it' written all over her.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               She's got everything, right? (counts 
               on his fingers) She's
 
               intelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I dunno. I didn't really talk 
               to her.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, she's smart. You take my word 
               for it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Whatever.

               
                             GEORGE
               (gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like 
               the Gatsbys. Didn't they always
 
               like, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best 
               friends?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That doesn't sound right.

               
                             GEORGE
               No. So, tonight she's got tickets for 
               that show she's been working
 
               on. The Flying Sandos Brother.

               
                             JERRY
               Flying Sandos. Beautiful.

               
                             GEORGE
               Great. Seven-thirty, alright?

               
                             JERRY
               Walk me down to the Friars.

               
               Jerry goes into the bedroom.

               
                             GEORGE
               Sure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty 
               apartment in my building. If
 
               you and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may...

               
               Jerry reenters looking confused.

               
                             JERRY
               It's not here.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Th..the jacket, it's not here. It's 
               gotta be here somewhere.
 
               
               Kramer enters, rubbing his eyes.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, boy.

               
               Jerry is looking around for the jacket, lifting cushions, etc.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m. 
               wakeup call last night.
 
               (frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, the one with the crest.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, well, that's at the cleaners.

               
                             JERRY
               The cleaners? How did it get there?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I, uh, I borrowed it last night 
               and it got a little dirty.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (irritated) Great.

               
                             KRAMER
               (laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed 
               off and woke up in a pile of
 
               garbage.

               
                             JERRY
               Somehow? You've had an hour and twenty 
               minutes sleep in three days!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, so, look, the cleaner said you 
               could pick it up tonight at six.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright. I just hope I can get it to 
               the Friars Club before the show.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Won't be a problem...(mumbles)

               
               Kramer has closed his eyes and fallen asleep while leaning on 
               the counter in
 
               Jerry's kitchen.

               
                             JERRY
               (to Kramer) Hey.

               
               Kramer does not respond.

               
                             JERRY
               (louder) Hey!!

               
               Kramer snaps awake with a jerk.

               
                             KRAMER
               Watch out, boy.

               
               
               (Bob's Office, J. Peterman)

               
               Bob is working at his desk, with his back to the door. Elaine 
               arrives and
 
               stands in the doorway.

               
                             ELAINE
               Can you give us a hand with some of 
               these boxes, Bob?
 
               
               Bob continues to muse over some of the work in front of him, 
               giving no sign
 
               of knowing Elaine is there.

               
                             ELAINE
               Bob!

               
               Bob still doesn't react to Elaine. Elaine takes a couple of steps 
               into Bob's
 
               office, and decides to try a different tactic.

               
                             ELAINE
               (sexily) I want you so bad, Bob. You 
               turn me on...
 
               
               As Elaine speaks, Peterman walks past the open door. Hearing 
               Elaine's voice,
 
               his attention is caught. He stops to listen.

               
                             ELAINE
               ...so much. You're so damn...sexy.
 
               
               
               Peterman watches and listens, surprised.

               
                             ELAINE
               (sexy) Ohh. I'm starting to unbutton.
 
               
               
               Peterman decides he should withdraw, and he leaves.

               
                             ELAINE
               (dropping the sexy voice) Anything getting 
               through? Bob?
 
               
               Bob continues to be oblivious to Elaine. Elaine pulls a pensive 
               face and
 
               leaves.

               
               
               (Theatre)

               
               George, Susan and Hallie sit in a box overlooking the stage (just 
               like the
 
               two guys in the Muppets). There's an empty seat beside Hallie. 
               George is
 
               making small talk.

               
                             HALLIE
               Well, they perform all over. Europe 
               mostly.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               A-ha, huh. (mumbles) tours.

               
                             HALLIE
               Yeah.

               
               Jerry arrives, wearing the crested jacket.

               
                             JERRY
               Sorry, sorry I'm late.

               
                             GEORGE/SUSAN
               Hey!

               
                             SUSAN
               Jerry.

               
                             GEORGE
               Isn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket?
 
               
               
               Jerry takes the vacant seat.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have 
               to return it after the show.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Sure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry 
               on the shoulders) How about
 
               these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening 
               turns out a little better.
 
               
               Lively music begins and the Flying Sandos Brothers bound onto 
               the stage to
 
               applause from the auditorium. Jerry and his friends all join 
               in.
 
               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Kramer sits on his couch with Connie, who is playfully toying 
               with the collar
 
               on his shirt.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, uhm, are you sure you don't wanna 
               go to the movies?
 
               
                             CONNIE
               Mmm, no, Cosmo. I like just being here 
               with you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, it's uh, it's a bold adventure.
 
               
               
               Connie leans in and begins to kiss Kramer's neck.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh. Well, this is uh, risky business, 
               huh? I'm all a-twitter.
 
               
               
               (Theatre)

               
               The Sandos Brothers are on stage performing a juggling act with 
               glasses,
 
               trays and bottle. It ends with them pouring drinks and toasting 
               the audience.
 
               The audience applaud appreciatively.

               
               The Sandos Brothers launch into the next part of their act. One 
               brother
 
               climbs onto the shoulders of another and is carried to the edge 
               of the stage,
 
               where he climbs from the shoulders into the box containing Jerry, 
               George,
 
               Susan and Hallie. The audience applaud.

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 1
               How would you kind people like to lend 
               a hand with our next
 
               trick?

               
                             JERRY
               (smiling) I don't think so.

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 1
               Please, take off your jacket.

               
                             JERRY
               My jacket?

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 1
               Yes, the jacket. (turns to the crowd) 
               What do you say,
 
               ladies and gentlemen?

               
               The rest of the audience cheer and clap.

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 1
               (to Jerry) Can't argue with that.

               
                             HALLIE
               C'mon.

               
                             SUSAN
               Do it. Come on, Jerry.

               
                             GEORGE
               Give him the jacket.

               
                             JERRY
               (giving in) Alright.

               
               Jerry shrugs out of the jacket, to the applause of friends and 
               audience. He
 
               hands it to the Sandos Brother.

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 1
               And now, we say the magic word. (gestures 
               with his hand)
 
               Agrabah! And we make it disappear.

               
               As he finishes his speech, he tosses the jacket out of the box 
               and into the
 
               audience. The audience clap, as do George, Susan and Hallie. 
               Jerry peers over
 
               the edge of the box, after the jacket.

               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Connie lies on the couch, underneath Kramer. She strokes the 
               side of his head
 
               with her fingers.

               
                             CONNIE
               (passionate) Oh Cosmo. Mm-mmm, Cosmo. 
               Oh Cosmo.
 
               
               Kramer is oddly unresponsive.

               
                             CONNIE
               (uncomfortable) Uh, honey, can you move 
               a little, this hurts.
 
               
               Kramer makes no reply.

               
                             CONNIE
               (worried) Cosmo?

               
               Connie pushes at Kramer to try and move him.

               
                             CONNIE
               (panicky) Oh my god. Cosmo, wake up!
 
               
               
               Connie heaves harder at Kramer, but he's still not moving or 
               replying.
 
               
                             CONNIE
               Cosmo?

               
               Connie lifts Kramer's head and looks at his face, which is completely 
               slack
 
               and expressionless.

               
                             CONNIE
               (horrified) Oh my god! He's dead! He's 
               dead.
 
               
               Panicky, Connie tries again to lift Kramer enough to get out, 
               but is unable
 
               to move his inert bulk. She reaches across to the table and grabs 
               the handset
 
               of the phone. Quickly, she dials a number and puts the phone 
               to her ear.
 
               
                             CONNIE
               (into phone) Yeah, Tommy, this is Connie. 
               You gotta help me. Some guy
 
               dropped dead on top of me. (listens) I can't call the cops, 'cos 
               Joey might
 
               find out. (listens) I can't. I'm stuck. You gotta help me.

               
               
               (Theatre, Backstage)

               
               Jerry leads George and the girls up to a door marked 'Dressing 
               Room 3'.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is very exciting. The inner sanctum.
 
               
               
               Jerry knocks on the door. It's opened after a second, by one 
               of the Sandos
 
               Brothers who looks at Jerry, questioningly.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi. I..I was in the audience earlier. 
               You threw my jacket down. I just
 
               wanted to pick it up.

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 2
               Jacket? What jacket?

               
                             JERRY
               (explaining) I had a jacket with a crest 
               on it. You came into the
 
               audience, you threw it away. Agrabah.

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 2
               A..are you sure it was me?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it was either you or one of your 
               brothers.
 
               
               Jerry looks past to where another couple of Sandos Brother are 
               still
 
               changing.

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 2
               Well, two of them have left already.
 
               
               
               The Sandos Brother at the door turns to the other two an rattles 
               off a
 
               question in some foreign language. The other two speak to each 
               other and
 
               reply to the question, also in a foreign tongue, but clearly 
               they don't know
 
               anything.

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 2
               (shaking his head apologetically) No.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It doesn't even belong to me. It belongs 
               to the Friars Club.
 
               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 2
               Sorry.

               
               The Sandos Brother closes the door, smiling.

               
                             HALLIE
               Jerry, I'm sure it'll turn up.

               
                             JERRY
               (cynical) I'm sure it won't.

               
                             HALLIE
               Don't worry. I'll get the jacket back.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's 
               gonna get the jacket back.
 
               (claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               (downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I 
               think I'll go home.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Aww, that's too bad.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, we'll do it another time.

               
                             SUSAN
               (bright) George, we'll go.

               
               George doesn't look like the prospect of coffee alone with Susan 
               is something
 
               he relishes.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               George and Susan sit either side of a table, with coffee. There's 
               a definite
 
               lack of sparkling conversation. George forces a smile at Susan. 
               There's a
 
               long pause, broken only by Susan sighing. George finally thinks 
               of something
 
               to say.

               
                             GEORGE
               I, uh, oh, broke a shoelace today.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, I can get you shoelaces tomorrow.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay.

               
                             SUSAN
               So, what colour?

               
                             GEORGE
               Brown.

               
               Susan nods her comprehension, as George muses for a moment.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe a black.

               
                             SUSAN
               Mmm.

               
               The waitress walks by the table with the coffee pot.

               
                             WAITRESS
               More coffee?

               
                             GEORGE
               (urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please.
 
               
               
               The waitress pulls the check from her pocket and puts it on the 
               table for
 
               George.

               
               
               (Hallway Outside Jerry's Apartment)

               
               As Jerry walks up to his door, Kramer's door opens and two guys 
               emerge
 
               carrying a large body-shaped object wrapped in fabric. They carry 
               it away
 
               down the hall.

               
                             JERRY
               (looking after the guys) That nut is 
               always up to something.
 
               
               Jerry shakes his head at Kramer's antics as he enters his apartment.
 
               
               
               
               (A Lonely Stretch Of Road On The Banks Of The Hudson)

               
               It is night. A large black car squeals to a stop beside the river. 
               The two
 
               guys we just saw leave Kramer's apartment climb out of the car. 
               They open the
 
               trunk and haul out the wrapped object they were carrying. They 
               lug it to the
 
               rail at the edge of the road, and heave it over the edge. It 
               splashes into
 
               the river and begins to sink. The two guys quickly close the 
               trunk of the car
 
               and climb back in.

               
               
               (Beneath The Hudson River)

               
               The object sinks down into the water. Suddenly, the contents 
               begin to squirm
 
               and jump. The outline of a human body can be seen within the 
               fabric. The top
 
               of the wrappings opens and Kramer emerges. He looks around, wide-eyed, 
               and
 
               would scream with shock, were he not underwater. He kicks his 
               legs and swims
 
               toward the surface.

               
               
               (The Hudson River)

               
               Kramer breaks the surface with a splutter. He looks round, panicky 
               and
 
               confused.

               
                             KRAMER
               HEY!! Sh..! Shii! MAMA!!

               
               Kramer looks to one side, where he sees a large ferry bearing 
               down on him. He
 
               turns and begins swimming away from the vessel.

               
                             KRAMER
               AAH! AAGH!

               
               
               (Elaine's Office, J. Peterman)

               
               Elaine is working away, when Peterman enters behind her. He's 
               carrying a
 
               couple of bits of card.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine. I think I've been working you 
               a little too hard, lately.
 
               
               Peterman sits on the edge of Elaine's desk.

               
                             ELAINE
               (shrugging it off) Oh.

               
                             PETERMAN
               So, I have two tickets for you (holds 
               up the bits of card) to the
 
               Flying Sandos Brothers magic show.

               
                             ELAINE
               (pleased) Ah.

               
                             PETERMAN
               It is a real hoot.

               
                             ELAINE
               (delighted) Well, thank you Mr Peterman.
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               Ah, the tickets are for tonight. So 
               you and Bob can knock off a
 
               little early, so you both can get ready.

               
               Elaine looks confused. Peterman begins to leave.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mr Peterman, you...

               
                             PETERMAN
               (interrupting) There's no need to deny 
               it, Elaine. I heard every
 
               word you said.

               
               Elaine realises what Peterman overheard.

               
                             PETERMAN
               And I know you wouldn't be just having 
               fun with his handicap.
 
               (staring away) That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry is on the phone, as George enters.

               
                             JERRY
               (into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down 
               and talk to 'em. Okay, bye. (to
 
               George) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna 
               let a
 
               jacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me 
               eight hundred
 
               dollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper!

               
               Jerry stalks about as George sits on the couch.

               
                             JERRY
               (worked up) Wh..what kinda show is that 
               Sandos Brothers? They take
 
               your jacket, then they just throw it? I never heard of that!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan 
               and I were thinking, uh, dinner
 
               at our house Saturday night. Just the four of us.

               
                             JERRY
               (unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think 
               so.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (worried) Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               (impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned 
               off.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (standing) C'mon, what're you talking 
               about?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ahh, I'm, I'm kinda soured.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're soured?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'm soured.

               
                             GEORGE
               Don't be soured.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry. I'm soured.

               
                             GEORGE
               (animated) What're you kidding me? We 
               were all getting along so well.
 
               Where is all this coming from?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you know, frankly, I don't think 
               she was too concerned about my
 
               jacket.

               
                             GEORGE
               (animated) What're you talking about?! 
               She's very concerned! She said
 
               she was gonna get it back.

               
                             JERRY
               (indifferent) Yeah, we'll see.

               
                             GEORGE
               (worked up) Because if she gets it back, 
               then you'll have no reason
 
               to be sour. You'll de-sour, right?

               
                             JERRY
               I'll try and de-sour.

               
                             GEORGE
               (aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough! 
               You don't try and de-sour.
 
               You have to sweeten too!

               
                             JERRY
               (sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour 
               and sweeten.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I wanna get it back when we were the 
               Gatsbys.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I still don't know what that means.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (neither does he) Yeah, well.

               
               The door opens and Kramer enters, fully dressed but soaked to 
               the skin.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               God.

               
                             JERRY
               (astonished) Oh god! What happened to 
               you?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (animated) She tried to kill me Jerry!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             KRAMER
               (shouts) Connie!

               
                             JERRY
               What'd she do?

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know! (building to a shout) 
               But I woke up in the Hudson river
 
               
               in a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and 
               I'm calling the
 
               cops.

               
                             JERRY
               (bewildered) Why would she try and kill 
               you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (animated) Well, isn't it obvious? She 
               doesn't want anybody else to
 
               have me!

               
               Kramer moves to leave, but walks into the door with a loud thud.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (to door) Gah!

               
               Kramer stomps away to his own apartment.

               
               
               (Friars Club Lobby)

               
               Jerry and George stand where they dealt with the maitre d' on 
               their previous
 
               visit. As they wait, they're people-watching.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, there's uncle Milty.

               
                             GEORGE
               (pleased) Yeah, it is.

               
                             JERRY
               (pointing) And there's David Steinberg.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               The comedian, or the manager?

               
                             JERRY
               The manager.

               
               George looks unimpressed. Pat Cooper comes walking toward Jerry 
               and George.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to George) Hey, there's Pat. (calls) 
               Hey, Pat.
 
               
                             PAT
               Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong? 
               What's the matter with you? Are
 
               you a kleptomaniac, or what?

               
                             JERRY
               I forgot to take it off.

               
                             PAT
               (dubious) You forgot to take it off? 
               Oh, you go into a department store,
 
               
               you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you some 
               sort of an
 
               idiot?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry.

               
                             PAT
               Where's the jacket?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, one of the gypsies took it.

               
                             PAT
               (skeptical) Aww, the gypsies took it! 
               Of course, New York has a lot of
 
               gypsies! Oh, on every block there's a gypsy!

               
                             GEORGE
               (meekly) Well, it's true. I saw it.
 
               
               
                             PAT
               (probing) Excuse me, are you an entertainer? 
               Are you in showbusiness?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I uh...

               
                             PAT
               (interrupting) Then what am I talking 
               to you for? (to Jerry) Jerry,
 
               bring the jacket back tomorrow.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
               Pat Cooper walks away from the guys. Jerry motions for George 
               to leave with
 
               him. George looks round and sees something.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute, wait a minute.

               
               Over at one of the tables, the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's 
               jacket is
 
               entertaining some other guests. He's wearing a familiar crested 
               jacket.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Look at that guy. Right there. Isn't 
               that the guy from the show?
 
               He's..he's wearing the jacket.

               
                             JERRY
               God, you're right.

               
                             GEORGE
               (motioning Jerry to follow) C'mon.
 
               
               
               Jerry and George walk into the Friars Club, but within a couple 
               of strides
 
               they are faced with the maitre d'.

               
                             MAITRE D'
               Wait a second! Excuse me gentlemen, 
               are you members?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm a prospective member.

               
                             MAITRE D'
               Until then, (pointing) that's the way 
               out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But that guy has my jacket.

               
                             MAITRE D'
               C'mon, let's go.

               
               The maitre d' shepherds Jerry and George out of the door, despite 
               their
 
               continuing protests.

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, the guy is wearing a jacket 
               that my friend is...
 
               
                             MAITRE D'
               Come on.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on.

               
                             MAITRE D'
               Let's go.

               
                             GEORGE
               If I could talk to the guy for just 
               a sec...
 
               
               Jerry and George are ejected from the Friars Club.

               
               
               (Theatre)

               
               Elaine and Bob sit in the same box used by Jerry, George, Susan 
               and Hallie.
 
               Elaine looks distinctly unenthused at the prospect of spending 
               the evening
 
               with Bob. Bob looks delighted to be ensconced with Elaine.

               
                             BOB
               These seats are fantastic. It was really 
               nice of Mr Peterman to give us
 
               these tickets.

               
                             ELAINE
               (flat) Yeah, yeah. Was nice.

               
               Bob slips one hand round the back of Elaine's seat and leans 
               slightly toward
 
               her.

               
                             BOB
               (smiling) Yeah. Got our own little private 
               box here, don't we?
 
               
               Elaine looks at Bob, wondering what he's talking about. Bob dives 
               across at
 
               Elaine, putting his arms round her and his face on her chest.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (pushing Bob away) Get offa me! Stop 
               it. Stop it.
 
               
               Elaine succeeds in heaving Bob away from her. She looks at him, 
               angrily.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Get offa me!

               
               Bob stands for a few seconds, with Elaine glaring at him. Then 
               he dives in
 
               for another go. Elaine struggles with him again.

               
                             ELAINE
               Get a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing 
               Bob back between the seats)
 
               Get a hold of yourself!

               
               Bob slowly gets to his feet. Elaine glares at him, and Bob shamefacedly
 
               
               shuffles away out of the box.

               
               
               (Theatre, Backstage)

               
               Jerry and George come round a corner in a dingy corridor at the 
               theatre.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I dunno how that guy gave us the slip 
               at the Friars Club.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I told you, he probably went out the 
               back.
 
               
               Along the corridor comes the Sandos Brother who took Jerry's 
               jacket. He has a
 
               jacket slung over one shoulder. Jerry and George collide with 
               him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ouf.

               
               Jerry recognises the guy.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. It's you! (pointing) Th..that's 
               my Friars Club jacket!
 
               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 1
               No, it is not. It is my jacket.

               
               The Sandos Brother backs away from the advancing Jerry and George.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket, 
               give it back.
 
               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 1
               No, it is not. This is mine.

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon I need it.

               
               Jerry grabs hold of the jacket and begins a tug-of-war with it. 
               George joins
 
               in, trying to release the grip of the Sandos Brother. The door 
               to 'Dressing
 
               Room 3' opens and Hallie emerges and watches the struggle.

               
                             JERRY
               (determined) I wanna join. I need it 
               to become a member.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Give 'im the jacket already!

               
               Jerry and George succeed in taking the jacket. The Sandos Brother 
               runs away
 
               down the corridor, shouting.

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 1
               (yelling) Help! Help! (foreign language) 
               Azobar! Azobar
 
               disay!

               
                             GEORGE
               What's he yelling about? They're stealing 
               jackets here!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can you believe it?!

               
               Jerry looks at the jacket they took, and notices something.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (examining) Hey George, you know what? 
               I think this crest is
 
               different. It's got a moose on it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Moose?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. (subdued) I don't think this is 
               the jacket.
 
               
                             HALLIE
               No, it's not.

               
               Hallie reaches inside the door of Dressing Room 3 and pulls out 
               a jacket on a
 
               hanger.

               
                             HALLIE
               This is the jacket.

               
               Jerry and George look mortified. Hallie brings the jacket over 
               to Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ohh, you got the jacket back.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ohh, yeahh.

               
                             JERRY
               (taking the jacket) Thank you.

               
                             HALLIE
               It got a little dirty, so they wanted 
               to clean it before they gave it
 
               back to you.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (smiling) That is really nice.

               
                             HALLIE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             HALLIE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               This is nice.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeahh.

               
                             HALLIE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               (forced buoyancy) Hey, you know, let's 
               call Susan, we'll go have
 
               coffee.

               
                             HALLIE
               (flat) I'll see you at the wedding.
 
               
               
               Hallie walks away, leaving George's Gatsby ambitions in tatters.
 
               
               
               
               (Theatre)

               
               Elaine sits alone in the box. Something on the floor catches 
               her eye. It's
 
               Bob's hearing-aid earpiece. Elaine picks it up, and it occurs 
               to her that she
 
               has the opportunity she wanted. She wipes the earpiece on the 
               lapel of her
 
               jacket and carefully slips it over her ear. Elaine cocks her 
               head on one
 
               side, listening to see if it makes a difference.

               
               
               (Theatre, Backstage)

               
               Jerry and George walk along backstage. Jerry has his jacket, 
               and George is
 
               carrying the Sandos Brother's jacket, looking sullen.

               
                             GEORGE
               (moody) Great! Now she's sour!

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe she'll sweeten.

               
                             GEORGE
               (angry) She won't sweeten, and I'm bitter!
 
               
               
               Behind Jerry and George, the Flying Sandos Brothers appear. They 
               look over
 
               toward Jerry and George.

               
                             SANDOS BROTHER 1
               (pointing) There they are!

               
               The Sandos Brothers set off running after Jerry and George. George 
               hurriedly
 
               puts the jacket down on a table, as he and Jerry begin to hasten.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Here. (panicky) We'll leave it here 
               for you!
 
               
               Jerry and George run away, as the Sandos Brothers advance.

               
               George is on the lead as he and Jerry reach a door marked 'Emergency 
               Exit.
 
               Alarm will sound'. George pushes the door open and he and Jerry 
               dart through.
 
               As they do, a loud alarm bell begins to ring.

               
               
               (Theatre)

               
               Elaine is sitting wearing the earpiece when the alarm sounds. 
               Obviously, the
 
               earpiece works, as Elaine spasms in pain at the ringing. She 
               clutches her
 
               hands to her ears and jerks off her seat, falling out of sight 
               onto the floor
 
               of the box.

               
               
               (Hallway, Apartment Building)

               
               Kramer stands outside the door to an apartment, flanked by two 
               other guys.
 
               One of the guys knocks at the door. After a few seconds, it is 
               opened by
 
               Connie.

               
                             KRAMER
               (pointing) That's her, officer.

               
                             CONNIE
               (shocked) Kramer! Oh my god, I thought 
               you were...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (animated) What? Sleeping with the fishes? 
               I guess I woke up!
 
               
               The detective shows his shield to Connie.

               
                             DETECTIVE
               You're under arrest for the attempted 
               murder of Cosmo Kramer.
 
               
                             CONNIE
               (defensive) I didn't do anything.

               
                             KRAMER
               (sarcastic) Oh, yeah! Yeah!

               
                             DETECTIVE
               Get your coat, we gotta take you in.
 
               
               
                             CONNIE
               Can I call my lawyer?

               
                             DETECTIVE
               Okay, go ahead.

               
               Connie goes back into her apartment.

               
               
               (Connie's Apartment/Lawyer's Office)

               
                             CONNIE
               (on phone) You gotta meet me at the 
               police station. They're arresting me 
               for attempted murder.
 
               
               On the phone in his office is Jackie Chiles.

               
                             JACKIE
               Attempted murder? Of whom?

               
                             CONNIE
               This guy, Kramer.

               
                             JACKIE
               Oh. (hesitantly) Cosmo Kramer?

               
                             CONNIE
               (surprised) Yeah, that's right.

               
                             JACKIE
               (adamant) I don't want nothing to do 
               with it.
 
               
               Jackie puts down his phone and looks glad to have escaped.

               
               
               
                            THE END



The Friars Club



Writers :   David Mandel
Genres :   Comedy


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