The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                         THE FUSILLI JERRY



                             Written by

                           Marjorie Gross




 
               
               
               (Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment 
               building)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I hear you're going out with David Putty.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. What, is it a problem?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I think he could've asked me. 
               Supposed to be a friend of mine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't 
               care. It *has* been a few years.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend 
               dates. You don't want it to be someone 
               you know, and you don't want it to be 
               someone better than you. Now, even though 
               the latter is *obviously* impossible.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, god.

               
                             JERRY
               The former still applies. I don't know 
               what it is, but I just can't see you 
               with a mechanic.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those 
               mechanics do is work all day with their 
               hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms 
               on machines, and then they come home 
               dripping with animal sexuality like 
               Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off 
               that is.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
               (At Monk's, George and Estelle are looking over their menus)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Look at that. They got lobster on the 
               menu. Who would order a lobster here. 
               I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday 
               hoping *todays* the day.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               So what if they have a lobster. Suddenly 
               you're a shell-fish connoisseur.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I think we really need to 
               be in front of a television set. You 
               take T.V. out of this relationship, 
               it is *just* torture.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               So, I'm getting an eye job.

               
                             GEORGE
               An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye 
               job.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Georgie, I'm a divorcee.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, you're not a divorcee. You're just 
               separated. You're---you're a separatee.
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, I'm out there, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, you're not out there.

               
                             ESTELLE
               I am, too!

               
                             GEORGE
               You're not out there! You can't be, 
               because *I* am out there. And if I see 
               *you* out there, there's not enough 
               voltage in this world to electroshock 
               me back into coherence!
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday 
               and I need you to drive me home because 
               I'll be all drugged up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner 
               needs me to run---
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               This is the only time the doctor *has*.
 
               
               
               (Kramer walks by their table on his way out)

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, hey, hey! (Gets up out of his 
               seat)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hi, little buddy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on over and sit down.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, you're gonna sit down, you son of 
               a gun...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, I'm sitting down. How are 
               you? (Kisses Estelle on the
 
               
               cheek)

               
                             ESTELLE
               So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have 
               to look your best. You're
 
               
               out

               
               there now.

               
                             GEORGE
               She's not out there!

               
                             KRAMER
               So, who is your doctor?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Uh, Bakersoll.

               
                             KRAMER
               (whistles). He's good. He's *very* good. 
               He worked on this kid
 
               
               from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Tuesday? Uh...

               
                             GEORGE
               Why doesn't *he* pick you up after the 
               operation. He's got the car
 
               
               with the bench seats that you like.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, I don't care.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody 
               anywhere until I go down to
 
               
               the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, giddy-up!

               
               (At the motor vehicle bureau...)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. 
               My name is Kramer. Cosmo
 
               
               Kramer.

               
                             CLERK
               Kramer.... (checks computer) All right...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               All righty...

               
                             CLERK
               Sign right here, please. (hands over 
               clipboard)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (signs it) Okay. (The clerk hands him 
               a manila envelope). Thanks.
 
               
               (opens up the envelope) Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to 
               me. I'm
 
               
               not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.

               
                             CLERK
               What's your name again?

               
                             KRAMER
               Cosmo Kramer.

               
                             CLERK
               (checks computer again) Cosmo Kramer. 
               You *are* the Assman.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No! I'm not the Assman.

               
                             CLERK
               Well, as far as the state of New York 
               is concerned, you are.
 
               
               (Failing to clear up the mistake, Kramer drives off with the 
               new plates
 
               
               attached)

               
               (Meanwhile, we join Elaine and David---in bed, I should add. 
               David, who
 
               
               apparently looks satisfied, is still breathless. Elaine, on the 
               other hand,
 
               
               is looking somewhat, preoccupied)

               
                             DAVID
               How do you feel?

               
                             ELAINE
               Fine.

               
                             DAVID
               Something the matter?

               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             DAVID
               Then what is it?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, nothing.

               
               (Later on, at Monk's, Jerry has just come in to meet Elaine. 
               He joins her at
 
               
               the booth)

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               I was with David *Putty* last night.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, so.

               
                             ELAINE
               He did the move.

               
                             JERRY
               What move?

               
                             ELAINE
               You know...*the* move.

               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second. *My* move?

               
               (Elaine nods).

               
                             JERRY
               David Putty used *my* move?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, yes.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you sure?

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry! There is no confusing *that* 
               move with any other move.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe it. He *stole* my move.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What else did you tell (reaches over 
               to slap Jerry) him. (does it
 
               
               again) The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even 
               mention you. You know, we
 
               
               were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive 
               to sex
 
               
               talk. It's a high-testosterone area.

               
                             ELAINE
               Because of all the pistons and the lube 
               jobs?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm going down to that garage 
               and telling him to stop doing it.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, wait---wait a second.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Isn't that a little...rash?

               
                             JERRY
               No! He stole my move!

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, but...*I* like the move.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but it's like another comedian 
               stealing my material.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, he doesn't even do it exactly 
               the same. He--he--he uses a
 
               
               pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the 
               pinch. That's not new.
 
               
               Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves 
               now. His
 
               
               whole *repertoire* could be lifted.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, it's strange, because he's 
               such an honest mechanic.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know, he's probably the only honest 
               mechanic in New York.
 
               
               (Later, Jerry and George are outside, where Jerry has just bought 
               a candy bar
 
               
               at the newsstand)

               
                             JERRY
               ...so he stole my move and he's using 
               it on Elaine.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You told David Putty your move and you 
               didn't tell *me*? I *need* a
 
               
               move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. (points to the candy bar) 
               Gimme a
 
               
               bite.

               
                             JERRY
               Can I just get it opened first?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe you're hoarding sex 
               moves. I'm out there rubbing
 
               
               two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, all right. Here. (hands George 
               a piece of the candy
 
               
               bar).

               
                             GEORGE
               (takes a bite) Oh, that's good. That's 
               very good.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You feel better?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, much better. All right, so what's 
               the move, because I need
 
               
               *something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her 
               nails during
 
               
               love-making.

               
                             JERRY
               Nancy Klopper?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm 
               working like a dog here.
 
               
               Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's 
               sake. All
 
               
               right, come on, let's have it.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. 
               But I just wanna make sure,
 
               
               before---

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. 
               I'm putting it in the vault.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's not even a question of that. The 
               point is when something like
 
               
               this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to 
               be used in a
 
               
               *conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used---
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You're gonna tell me...or not.

               
                             JERRY
               All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? 
               You'll need a
 
               
               headboard.

               
                             GEORGE
               I got a headboard.

               
                             JERRY
               Is it padded?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Good. How tall is she?

               
                             GEORGE
               Five-foot four. Why?

               
                             JERRY
               You can't have more than a one-foot 
               differential in your heights.
 
               
               Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't tell ya how much I appreciate 
               this.
 
               
                             JERRY
               George, if you could master this, you'll 
               never be alone again.
 
               
                             
               Jerry and George have just walked in, 
               still
 
               
               conversing on the same subject)

               
                             JERRY
               Now, the ending is kind of an option. 
               I use the swirl. I like the
 
               
               swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is 
               a great
 
               
               capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Is it a clockwise swirl?

               
                             JERRY
               I prefer clockwise, but it's not written 
               in stone.
 
               
               (Kramer enters, holding an object of some kind).

               
                             KRAMER
               Here you go, buddy. (shows it to Jerry).
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               *Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli 
               pasta. See the microphone?
 
               
                             JERRY
               When did you do this?

               
                             KRAMER
               In my spare time. (turns to George). 
               You know, I'm working on one
 
               
               of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find 
               a pasta
 
               
               that captures the individual.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh... Why Fusilli?

               
                             KRAMER
               Because *you're* silly. Get it? (hands 
               the Fusilli to Jerry)
 
               
               Yeah...

               
                             JERRY
               Well, thank you very much.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, did you get your new plates?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But 
               they mixed them up. Somebody
 
               
               got mine and I got their *vanity* plates.

               
                             GEORGE
               What do they say?

               
                             KRAMER
               Assman.

               
                             JERRY
               Assman?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, 
               the Assman!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who would order a license plate that 
               says "Assman"?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

               
                             JERRY
               It doesn't have to be someone who gets 
               a lot of women. It could be
 
               
               just some guy with a big ass.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Proctologist.

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on! No doctor would put that on 
               his car.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Have you ever *met* a proctologist? 
               Well, they usually have a very
 
               
               good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't 
               walk away.
 
               
               *Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories 
               you've
 
               
               ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* 
               something
 
               
               up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist 
               story ends in
 
               
                             THE SAME WAY
               "It was a million to one shot, Doc. 
               Million to one."
 
               
               (A phone rings in the distant)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh! There's my phone. (He leaves)

               
                             GEORGE
               So, where you gonna stick this (points 
               to the Fusilli Jerry)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'll tell you where I'd like to stick 
               it.
 
               
               (We cut to the garage where David Putty is working on a car. 
               Jerry walks in)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, David.

               
                             DAVID
               Oh, hi, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, what's the story? I hear you're 
               doing my move.
 
               
                             DAVID
               What move?

               
                             JERRY
               What move? *My* move. The one I told 
               you about. You used it on
 
               
               Elaine.

               
                             DAVID
               You're move? What, are you kidding? 
               I was doing that before I knew
 
               
               you. All you told me about was the ending.

               
                             JERRY
               The ending is the whole thing. Without 
               the ending, it's nothing.
 
               
               You had *nothing*.

               
                             DAVID
               Oh, that ending was *so* obvious. I 
               would have figured it out
 
               
               anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.

               
                             JERRY
               Swirl.

               
                             DAVID
               Whatever. I don't even do it.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*.
 
               
               
                             DAVID
               Yeah, that's right.

               
                             JERRY
               You can't come up with your own stuff 
               , so you *steal* other peoples?
 
               
               You're nothing but a hack.

               
                             DAVID
               Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get 
               back to work.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you 
               know. If you wanna do it out
 
               
               of town...okay. But not in the city.

               
                             DAVID
               All right, how about the next time your 
               car breaks down, you take
 
               
               *that* out of town.

               
                             JERRY
               Fine.

               
                             DAVID
               Good!

               
               (While driving, Jerry hits a pothole and his car is now making 
               a clanking
 
               
               noise)

               
               (We join George and Nancy, who are....getting busy under the 
               covers.)
 
               
                             NANCY
               Ow, George! (crawls out from beneath 
               the covers) What are you
 
               
               doing?

               
                             GEORGE
               (pops his head out of the covers, looking 
               a bit confused) Uh...you
 
               
               know, uh...pleasuring you.

               
                             NANCY
               Well, stop it!

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't like the move?

               
                             NANCY
               No. I don't.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're kidding.

               
                             NANCY
               No, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking 
               at my body.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual 
               routine.
 
               
               (Back to Elaine and David in the middle of, uh...you know...)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes!
 
               
               
                             DAVID
               No, I'm sorry.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?!!

               
                             DAVID
               I can't do the move.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             DAVID
               Oh, he's ruined it for me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, oh, come on, please?

               
                             DAVID
               No, he called me a hack. I'm just not 
               into doing it anymore.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, so---so that's it?

               
                             DAVID
               I'll come up with some new stuff.

               
               (Cut to Kramer heading towards his car. He picks up a note on 
               his windshield
 
               
               and reads it...)

               
                             KRAMER
               "Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. 
               I think I have what
 
               
               you're looking for." (Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into 
               his car).
 
               
               (Meanwhile, Estelle is at Dr. Bakersoll's office)

               
                             DR. BAKERSOLL
               I must caution you about one thing. 
               You can't cry for at
 
               
               least ten day. You can ruin the operation.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, okay.

               
                             DR. BAKERSOLL
               Now, is someone coming to pick you up?
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Yes, my son's friend should be here 
               any minute.
 
               
               (In the parking lot just outside, Kramer has pulls into a "Doctors 
               Only"
 
               
               space)

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Can I help you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. (points 
               to plate) Proctology.
 
               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Oh, oh, okay. Sure...

               
                             KRAMER
               Thanks. Have a good day.

               
               (Kramer is driving Estelle home)

               
                             KRAMER
               I just can't get over how fantastic 
               you look.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, really?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off.
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               And it was all done by laser. I don't 
               even need bandages.
 
               
               (As a car passes Kramer, someone yells out, "Yo, Assman! Look 
               at the
 
               
               Assman!" Kramer waves).

               
                             ESTELLE
               Did he say "Assman"?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh my goodness.

               
                             
               "Hey, the Assman's in town!")

               
                             KRAMER
               You got that straight!

               
                             ESTELLE
               Boy. I never dreamed it could make such 
               a difference.
 
               
               (Kramer makes a sudden stop, and in a protective gesture, he 
               sticks his arm
 
               
               out in front of Estelle.)

               
               (Back to Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               You must have done *something* wrong. 
               You probably screwed up the
 
               
               order. Did you close with the swirl?

               
                             GEORGE
               Supposed to close with the swirl?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. 
               There's a progression
 
               
               there. I told you to write it down.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah, should've written it down.
 
               
               
               (Bzzz. Jerry walks over to answer it)

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah?

               
                             BUZZER
               Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon up. (turns to George) You know 
               what? Do me a favor. Don't
 
               
               even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name.

               
               (The phone rings)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. 
               What? Twenty-eight hundred
 
               
               dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do 
               anything.
 
               
               I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye.

               
                             GEORGE
               What's to think about? If Putty says 
               it's what it is, it's what it
 
               
               is. He's not gonna cheat you.

               
                             JERRY
               Except that it's not Putty.

               
                             GEORGE
               What happened to Putty?

               
                             JERRY
               Eh, we had a little fight about the 
               move. I took her to this other
 
               
               place. I think they might be trying to screw me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, of course they're trying to screw 
               you. What do you think?
 
               
               That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. 
               "By the
 
               
               way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." "Oh, a Johnson rod. 
               Yeah, well,
 
               
               you better put one of those on."

               
               (Elaine comes in looking a bit peeved)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah, hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Is it something I said?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty 
               won't do the move anymore.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, he's come up with some other move. 
               You should see this thing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy 
               stuff. You know what it's
 
               
               like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Huh.

               
                             ELAINE
               I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. 
               It's just taking up a lot of
 
               
               my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this 
               move on me,
 
               
               when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing 
               nothing!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Let me ask you a question. This new 
               move. Is there a knuckle
 
               
               involved in any way?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes. As a matter of fact, there is.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I think that's mine.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm not surprised.

               
                             JERRY
               Listen. I need you to do me a favor. 
               When's the next time you're
 
               
               gonna see him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               You gotta get an estimate on my car 
               from him. I think this garage is
 
               
               trying to screw me.

               
                             ELAINE
               An estimate? How am I supposed to do 
               that?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, look. Here's the work order with 
               everything that broke. Just
 
               
               kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. (hands Elaine 
               the work
 
               
               order)

               
                             ELAINE
               (takes the work order and points to 
               the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the
 
               
               table) What? What is this?

               
                             JERRY
               That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Fusilli Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Kramer made it.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, listen, I'll see you guys 
               later.
 
               
               (As George is leaving, Kramer comes in with a female companion)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Assman!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, well, this is Sally.

               
                             SALLY
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             KRAMER
               Shall we go?

               
                             SALLY
               Okay. (turns around and walks out with 
               an exaggerated swing of her
 
               
               hips)

               
               (Elaine, Jerry, and George make a face)

               
               (Back at the Costanzas' house...)

               
                             ESTELLE
               You can't face the fact that I'm improving 
               myself.
 
               
                             FRANK
               You're not the only one improving yourself. 
               I worked out with a
 
               
               dumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Just take your mail and go home. I have 
               things to do.
 
               
                             FRANK
               I got things to do, too.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Don't upset me! I can't cry!

               
                             FRANK
               Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, 
               huh?
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, it's already working. Kramer made 
               a pass at me.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               I'm not crazy. He stopped short and 
               made a grab.
 
               
                             FRANK
               He stopped short? That's my move. I'm 
               gonna kill him!
 
               
               (Once again, we join Elaine and David...in bed as usual...doing 
               what they do
 
               
               best)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, let me ask you a question.

               
                             DAVID
               Sure.

               
                             ELAINE
               What do you charge for blown shocks?
 
               
               
                             DAVID
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Two, three hundred?

               
                             DAVID
               I don't know. Maybe five hundred.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah.

               
               (They go back to kissing)

               
                             ELAINE
               What about a bad gasket?

               
                             DAVID
               Bad gasket?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Like a terrible gasket.

               
                             DAVID
               What is all this?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an 
               interest in what you...do.
 
               
                             DAVID
               What kind of car is it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh...any kind of---of a Swedish car.
 
               
               
                             DAVID
               All together, that could run about sixteen 
               hundred.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
               (Kiss again)

               
                             ELAINE
               Is that with the parts and labor?

               
                             DAVID
               Uh-huh.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm.

               
               (Kiss...again)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the 
               knuckle....
 
               
               (Back to George and Nancy in bed. George is looking quite pleased 
               with
 
               
               himself. Nancy, on the other hand, looks...bewildered...pleasantly
 
               
               
               surprised...)

               
                             NANCY
               Wow. That was...*great*. I mean...*wow*.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It just came to me.

               
                             NANCY
               I---I've never in my life have---have 
               I---. What was that?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You mean in the end?

               
                             NANCY
               Uh-huh.

               
                             GEORGE
               A counter-clockwise swirl.

               
               (Spotting something on George's hand)

               
                             NANCY
               What's that?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             NANCY
               On---on your hand? Let me see what's 
               on your hand.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing. I don't know...just a little 
               dirt.
 
               
                             NANCY
               Give me that. (grabs his hand) I wanna 
               see what's on your hand.
 
               
               (They struggle for a bit, but Nancy finally gets a hold of his 
               hand and tries
 
               
               to make out the scribble)

               
                             NANCY
               Number one. Take her leg.... Oh, my 
               god! Crib notes? You've got
 
               
               crib notes?!!

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a very complicated move! I couldn't 
               remember it all.
 
               
                             NANCY
               Oh, my god, you're sick. (gets out of 
               bed)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, it's not the S.A.T.s!

               
               (Cut to Frank on the streets. He spots Kramer's car. He looks 
               inside the
 
               
               back window and sees the "Bro"---or is it the "Manssierre"? He 
               checks out
 
               
               the plates)

               
                             FRANK
               Assman? I'll get him, Assman!

               
               (Back to Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? 
               *Ooh*, they are ripping me
 
               
               off.

               
                             ELAINE
               So what are you going to do?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. 
               No move is worth this.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! You mean you don't care if he does 
               the move anymore?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are you kidding? He can do every move 
               I've ever done! Do you know
 
               
               what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.
 
               
               
               (There's a knock at the door and Jerry goes over to answer it)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...?

               
                             FRANK
               Where's your friend Kramer?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. Why?

               
                             FRANK
               Because I'm looking for him. That's 
               why. He stopped short.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean?

               
                             FRANK
               In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. 
               You think I don't know
 
               
               what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty 
               years
 
               
               ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! (Demonstrates) 
               Hmmph! I
 
               
               stopped short.

               
                             JERRY
               Really, stopping short. That's a good 
               move.
 
               
                             FRANK
               You're not kidding it's a good move!
 
               
               
               (Kramer walks in.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Frank.

               
                             FRANK
               Don't Frank me! I know what you did. 
               How dare you stop short with
 
               
               my wife!

               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know 
               what you're talking about.
 
               
               (Frank backs Kramer into the table, knocking the Fusilli Jerry 
               to the floor)
 
               
                             FRANK
               You think I don't know, Assman?!! To 
               think I almost split the
 
               
               profits on the Manssierre with you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Bro.

               
                             FRANK
               Manssierre!

               
                             KRAMER
               Bro!

               
                             FRANK
               Manssierre! You...!

               
               (Frank grabs Kramer by the collar and in doing so, he slips and 
               falls right
 
               
               on top of the Fusilli Jerry)

               
                             FRANK
               Aah!!!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, my god!

               
               (Everyone gasps in horror, including George, who was just walking 
               in at that
 
               
               very moment)

               
               (At the medical center, the gang is in the waiting room, waiting 
               for the word
 
               
               on

               
               Frank's condition. Looks like they're still in shock)

               
                             JERRY
               If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed 
               it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Me either.

               
                             GEORGE
               They say this guy's the best.

               
                             JERRY
               He had to use cork-screw pasta.

               
               (At that thought, Jerry, George, and Elaine shift uncomfortably 
               in their
 
               
               seats. Meanwhile, Kramer is checking out the pictures on the 
               wall. He spots
 
               
               something...)

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look 
               at this.
 
               
               (Jerry joins him)

               
                             KRAMER
               The name on the boat. Look at it.

               
                             JERRY
               Assman!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah (points towards the doctor's office), 
               he's the Assman! Jerry,
 
               
               *he's* the Assman!

               
               (The doctor walks in)

               
                             DOCTOR
               Which one is the son?

               
                             GEORGE
               (stands up) I am.

               
                             DOCTOR
               Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want 
               you to know that this won't
 
               
               take long. And he's going to be fine.

               
               (Kramer stops Dr. Cooperman at the door.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by 
               any chance recently get the
 
               
               wrong license plates?

               
                             DR. COOPERMAN
               Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor 
               vehicle bureau to
 
               
               straighten it out.

               
                             KRAMER
               So...you're the Assman.

               
               (Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting)
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million 
               to one.
 
               
               (Back at the Costanza's house, George and Frank are just walking 
               in)
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Where have you been?!! You were supposed 
               to fix the stove! I've
 
               
               been waiting for hours!

               
                             FRANK
               I fell on some Fusilli.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Fusilli?

               
                             FRANK
               You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was 
               a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck
 
               
               in me. Had to go to the proctologist.

               
                             ESTELLE
               The proctologist? Are you okay?

               
                             FRANK
               Yeah.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, I was so worried. (grabs a couple 
               of tissues from the box)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ma, don't cry!

               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, I can't help it!

               
                             GEORGE
               Ma, your eyes!

               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh!

               
               
               
                             THE END



The Fusilli Jerry



Writers :   Marjorie Gross
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy