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ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE GLASSES



                             Written by

                       Tom Gammill & Max Pross




 
               
               
               (nightclub)

               
                             JERRY
               I never get enough sleep. I stay up 
               late at night, cause I'm Night Guy. 
               Night Guy wants to stay up late. 'What 
               about getting up after five hours sleep?', 
               oh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's 
               not my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay 
               up as late as I want. So you get up 
               in the morning, you're ..... (?), you're 
               exhausted, groggy, oooh I hate that 
               Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws 
               Morning Guy. There's nothing Morning 
               Guy can do. The only Morning Guy can 
               do is try and oversleep often enough 
               so that Day Guy looses his job and Night 
               Guy has no money to go out anymore.
 
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Elaine and Jerry hang out the window)

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you ever spit on anybody from here?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No. You?

               
                             ELAINE
               No. Do you ever think about it?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Me too.

               
               (Kramer enters the apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I got it!

               
                             JERRY
               You got me the air conditioner?

               
                             KRAMER
               What do you think?

               
                             JERRY
               Beautiful!

               
                             ELAINE
               What air conditioner?

               
                             KRAMER
               My buddy works in an appliance store 
               and he got us thirty percent off.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is it a good one?

               
                             KRAMER
               Good one? It's the Commando 8.

               
                             JERRY
               Commando 8?

               
                             KRAMER
               12.000 BTU's.

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought you hated air conditioning. 
               You've never had an air conditioner.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner 
               for Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't 
               like the temperature up here. She's 
               a little hoooot.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window 
               up, okay buddy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               (George enters the apartment wearing goggles)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, rock on!

               
               (Kramer leaves the apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               I gotta get out of this city.

               
                             JERRY
               So you're tunneling to the center of 
               the Earth?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm at the health club and while I'm 
               in the pool, some guy walks off with 
               my glasses. Who steals prescription 
               glasses?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You don't have an old pair?

               
                             GEORGE
               I broke 'em playing basketball.

               
                             JERRY
               He was running from a bee.

               
                             GEORGE
               Now if I wanna see anything I gotta 
               wear these.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               George, those are prescription goggles? 
               What is there to see in a health club 
               pool?
 
               
                             JERRY
               There's a lot of change down there.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               When I find that guy, this much I vow: 
               those glasses will be returned to their 
               rightful owner.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!
 
               
               
               (Kramer enters the apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               What kind of a sick, demented person 
               wants another person's glasses?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, especially those frames.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know you ought to do? Go see my 
               friend Dwayne at J & T Optical and Columbus 
               Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent 
               off.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, come on.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, he just got me thirty percent off 
               on an air conditioner.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               Retail is for suckers.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wow. What do I have to do?

               
                             KRAMER
               You just gotta mention my name.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's it?

               
                             KRAMER
               That's it.

               
               (J & T Optical)

               
               (George tries on a pair of glasses)

               
                             GEORGE
               What about these?

               
                             ELAINE
               They look good. I liked the other one 
               too. I've liked about five of them.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's a tough decision. I have to wear 
               these every day. I'm deciding on a new 
               face.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Come on, George. Pick a face and go 
               with it!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Now those look good, they're very bold.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you 
               think?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (While looking at posters of women wearing 
               glasses:) I think these women would 
               be pretty good looking if they weren't 
               wearing glasses.
 
               
               (A man with a dog enters the store)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi there, little doggy. (And to the 
               owner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog?
 
               
               
                             DOG OWNER
               It's okay with me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey little doggy.

               
               (Elaine pets the dog and he bites her)

               
                             ELAINE
               Aaah!

               
                             DWAYNE
               Hey, you can't have that dog in here.
 
               
               
               (The man leaves the store taking his dog with him)

               
                             JERRY
               Are you okay? Did he bite you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Can you believe that guy?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm okay, it's just a nick.

               
                             GEORGE
               He just walked away! And once again 
               I'm standing here like a little man. 
               Well not this time!
 
               
               (George leaves the store and follows the dog owner)

               
                             GEORGE
               You! Dog man!

               
               (George, without his glasses, squints and it looks like he sees 
               something interesting. He enters the store again)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               My leg looks pretty bad.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency 
               room.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay.

               
                             JERRY
               (To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you 
               catch 'em?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Uuh, no.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over 
               to the hospital.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (In a really strange way:) Good, good, 
               do that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's the matter?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no, nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               What is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't tell you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, can we go?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. 
               (And to George:) What do you mean you 
               can't tell me?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't tell you, don't ask.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm asking!

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, my leg.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah, take care.

               
               (Jerry throws her some toilet paper)

               
                             JERRY
               Come on, George, what is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I saw Amy making out with your cousin 
               Jeffrey.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               They were right outside!

               
                             JERRY
               Amy and Jeffrey?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes!

               
                             JERRY
               Are you sure?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, positive.

               
                             JERRY
               But you can't see, there's no lenses 
               in those frames.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know! I was squinting.

               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, Jerry, you just catch up with 
               me okay? You can just follow the trail 
               of blood.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We're gonna have to talk about this 
               later.
 
               
               (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you. Taxi!

               
               (Jerry and Elaine leave the store)

               
               (George tries on another pair of glasses)

               
                             GEORGE
               (To the store owner:) Excuse me, what 
               do you think of these?
 
               
                             DWAYNE
               Oh, we just got those in. It's a very 
               exciting new frame.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, it is exciting! All right, this 
               is gonna be my new face.
 
               
                             DWAYNE
               All right, you have a prescription?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
               (George hands over the prescription)

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer...

               
                             DWAYNE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer...

               
                             DWAYNE
               What about him?

               
                             GEORGE
               You do know Kramer?

               
                             DWAYNE
               Yes...

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm mentioning his name.

               
                             DWAYNE
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because... you know...

               
                             DWAYNE
               No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need 
               a deposit on these.
 
               
               (hospital)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not 
               possible!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why not? They could have met. She loves 
               the park, he works for the Parks Department.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George 
               didn't even have his glasses on!
 
               
                             JERRY
               But he was squinting.

               
                             ELAINE
               So what? Squinting doesn't make that 
               much of a difference.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. 
               He can squint his way down to like twenty, 
               thirty vision. Once we were driving 
               down from the Catskills and he lost 
               his glasses. He squinted his way from 
               Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee 
               Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on 
               the road!
 
               
                             DOCTER
               Okay.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot?
 
               
               
                             DOCTER
               Not shot, dog bite.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do 
               I need a shot?
 
               
                             DOCTER
               Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang 
               bang.
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and Amy watch television)

               
                             JERRY
               Now, look at this. Cable's out.

               
                             AMY
               Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch 
               tv.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's 
               a principal the thing.
 
               
               (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number)

               
                             JERRY
               I like them to know that I know what's 
               going on. That they're not... getting 
               away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. 
               So, what did you do yesterday?
 
               
                             AMY
               Yesterday?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful 
               day... good day to be... out.
 
               
                             AMY
               I didn't do anything.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh you must have done something.

               
                             AMY
               No, nothing really.

               
                             JERRY
               Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take 
               a walk... on Columbus Avenue?
 
               
                             AMY
               Well, I did go out for a little while.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, your day's getting more interesting 
               already.
 
               
               (Jerry shows the phone)

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a 
               minute and THEY lied.
 
               
                             AMY
               You can't thrust anyone.

               
                             JERRY
               No you can't. Now let's cut the ball, 
               sister! You think I don't know about 
               you swapping spit with somebody yesterday 
               on Columbus Avenue?
 
               
                             AMY
               What are you talking about?

               
                             JERRY
               Look, my friend saw you.

               
                             AMY
               Saw me? With who?

               
                             JERRY
               You tell me.

               
                             AMY
               There's nothing to tell.

               
                             JERRY
               There isn't?

               
                             AMY
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza?
 
               
               
               (Amy stands up and walks away)

               
                             AMY
               I had a feeling this was to good to 
               be true.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             AMY
               I knew there had to be another side 
               to you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no, there's no side!

               
                             AMY
               There is a side, an ugly side.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no, no ugly side.

               
                             AMY
               Look, I think I'm gonna go.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             AMY
               It's really hot in here.

               
                             JERRY
               Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday 
               though?
 
               
                             AMY
               Yeah. When are you getting an air conditioner?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 
               BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker 
               in here.
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               I was an idiot for listening to you!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, I saw what I saw.

               
                             JERRY
               Ooh, everything was going so well. She 
               hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she 
               sees a side.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What side?

               
                             JERRY
               A bad side, an ugly side.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ooh, so what?

               
                             JERRY
               So what? I wasn't planning on showing 
               that side for another six months. Now 
               you make me throw off the whole learning 
               curve.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, he'd just deny it.

               
                             GEORGE
               There must be some way to find out.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Amy said nothing happened.

               
                             GEORGE
               What, you're gonna take her word over 
               mine? I'm your best friend!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but you're blind as a bat!

               
                             GEORGE
               I was squinting! Remember that drive 
               from Wortsborough? I was spotting those 
               raccoons.
 
               
                             JERRY
               They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't 
               have the heart to tell you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey look, a dime.

               
               (George walks over to the other end of the room and picks up 
               a dime)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Mercury head. You mind?

               
                             JERRY
               (Stunned:) No, keep it.

               
               (Elaine enters the apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey what happened to you? You buzzed 
               five minutes ago.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               There was a dog in front of the building 
               and it spooked me. I couldn't come in 
               until he left.
 
               
                             JERRY
               A little white dog?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm afraid of dogs now.

               
                             JERRY
               He's like a squirrel.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well he frightened me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you get the shot?

               
                             ELAINE
               No. He said I didn't need a shot.

               
                             GEORGE
               You got bit by a strange dog and you 
               didn't get a rabies shot?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What, you think I should have?

               
               (George indicates 'yes')

               
                             JERRY
               You know, you should just go back to 
               the optical store and ask Dwayne if 
               he knows the name of the owner of the 
               dog.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna 
               do that.
 
               
               (Kramer enters the apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               The AC is on his way.

               
                             GEORGE
               Pardon me, I went to see your friend 
               Dwayne... there was no discount.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's right, no discount!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well did you mention my name?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, I mentioned your name.

               
                             KRAMER
               And?

               
                             GEORGE
               Bubkis!

               
                             KRAMER
               Now I don't believe this. That guy owes 
               me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, 
               I'm gonna go down there with you right 
               now.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, let me just... I'm gonna 
               grap an apple.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Little Snowball? He runs on batteries!
 
               
               
               (George takes a bite out of an union)

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, George, that's an union.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes it is.

               
               (And he takes another bite)

               
                             ELAINE
               He couldn't tell an apple from an union 
               and he's your eye witness?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I saw them making out, you can believe 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know what to believe! You're 
               eating unions, you're spotting dimes, 
               I don't know what the hell is going 
               on.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look, all you gotta to is get Amy and 
               Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm 
               going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow 
               night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. 
               I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta 
               do is bring her with me. And then when 
               Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody 
               time.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Right this way, mister Doody!

               
                             GEORGE
               You'll see I'm right.

               
               (J & T Optical)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Dwayny.

               
                             DWAYNE
               Oh hello Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               What is going on here?

               
                             DWAYNE
               What are you talking about?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm talking about the thirty percent 
               discount.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in 
               here...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting 
               something.
 
               
                             DWAYNE
               Who said anything about a discount.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe 
               me buddy.
 
               
                             DWAYNE
               For what?

               
               (Kramer pulls out a candy bar)

               
                             KRAMER
               Remember this?

               
                             DWAYNE
               What are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Six months ago you were eating four 
               of those for breakfast and chasing it 
               with a ring ding. And two butter fingers 
               on the train. Sounds familiar?
 
               
                             DWAYNE
               Put that away!

               
                             KRAMER
               Remember that night I found you at Dinky 
               Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon 
               swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! 
               You wouldn't even have any teeth if 
               it wasn't for me taking you over to 
               Joe's fruit stand and stuff a cantaloupe 
               down your throat! So much for gratitude... 
               yeah, yeah, yeah!
 
               
                             DWAYNE
               All right, all right, all right! I'll 
               give him the discount, just put that 
               thing away! This squares us.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Can I just have the name...

               
                             DWAYNE
               Out!

               
                             KRAMER
               We'll see you Dwayne.

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (George shows Jerry his glasses)

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know what to tell you, Elton.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen 
               to this, this is not good, listen to 
               these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, 
               irritability. I got those, I'm irritable!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (To George:) Who picked these out?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I did!

               
                             JERRY
               They're ladies' glasses! All you need 
               is that little chain around your neck 
               so you can wear 'em while you're playing 
               Canasta.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well Elaine was supposed to help me.
 
               
               
               (Elaine runs over to George and starts screaming)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go 
               to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! 
               I can't solve every little problem you 
               have!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry... sorry.

               
               (Kramer enters the apartment with the air conditioner in his 
               arms)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Commando 8 has arrived!

               
                             JERRY
               Take it to the window.

               
                             KRAMER
               12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power.
 
               
               
               (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window)

               
                             KRAMER
               Installed!

               
                             GEORGE
               That's it? You don't have to screw it 
               in or anything?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, just plug it in and the Commando 
               8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll 
               seal that up later, right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Just in time for Amy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute 
               that plead?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I've got such a headache. Oh, that's 
               another symptom!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Of what?

               
                             JERRY
               Rabies.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh that's fatal, you don't want that!
 
               
               
               (Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again)

               
                             ELAINE
               I know I don't want it! I don't need 
               you to tell me what I don't want, you 
               stupid hipster dufus!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, hey, what is this? What's going 
               on here?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, it's all right. I had a friend 
               who had rabies once.
 
               
               (George's eating chips)

               
                             KRAMER
               May I have one of those, madam?

               
                             GEORGE
               Madame? What are you calling me madam 
               for?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               They're ladies' glasses.

               
               (Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside)

               
                             KRAMER
               Now look here, see it's right here: 
               Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He sold me ladies' glasses!

               
                             ELAINE
               I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble 
               swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               She's got rabies, just like my friend 
               Bob Sacamano. She's delirious.
 
               
               (Elaine drinks some water and drools)

               
                             KRAMER
               She's foaming at the mouth!

               
               (hospital)

               
                             ELAINE
               Is this gonna hurt?

               
                             DOCTER
               Yes, very much.

               
               (Elaine gets the shot)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you 
               ever think of that?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. 
               That's the big night on the Nature Channel.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Let me tell you this: there is no way 
               cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks 
               like a horse!
 
               
                             JERRY
               He does look like a horse.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, 
               while looking out the window:) Here, 
               look at this! It's the guy with the 
               dog! (She opens the window and screams:) 
               Hey! You down there! Remember me? I 
               had to get shot because of your stupid 
               dog!
 
               
                             DOG OWNER
               Who are you calling stupid?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, shall we spit on him?

               
                             ELAINE
               No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs.
 
               
               
               (Kramer enters the apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               (Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa.

               
               (The air conditioner wobbles)

               
                             KRAMER
               The air conditioner!

               
               (Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but 
               it snaps)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I think it got the dog!

               
               (New York Health Club's locker room)

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh boy.

               
                             BLIND MAN
               Excuse me, I'm new here, would you mind 
               walking me back to my locker?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh uuh, sure, hang on. Hey, that's the 
               guy.
 
               
                             BLIND MAN
               What guy?

               
                             GEORGE
               The guy that stole my glasses. This 
               time I got 'em!
 
               
               (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man 
               with him)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Would you pick it up a little?

               
                             BLIND MAN
               Where the hell are we going?

               
                             GEORGE
               He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the 
               blind man:) Those are nice glasses.
 
               
               
                             BLIND MAN
               I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Is that really?

               
               (J & T Optical)

               
               (George has taken the blind man with him)

               
                             GEORGE
               Dwayne, my friend and I would like to 
               exchange frames. Could you put his lenses 
               in my frames and mine in his?
 
               
                             DWAYNE
               (While eating a candy bar:) Yeah, we 
               can do that.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And I'd like a discount.

               
                             DWAYNE
               Why should I give you a discount.

               
                             GEORGE
               Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking 
               for a refund. You gave me ladies' frames!
 
               
               
                             BLIND MAN
               What's that about ladies' frames?

               
               (The man with the dog enters and the dog wears a collar)

               
                             DOG OWNER
               I'm trying to track down that lady that 
               was in here the other day, the one that 
               was messing with my dog.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, well, she's trying to track you 
               down.
 
               
                             DOG OWNER
               Well I would love to talk with her. 
               She lives on 81st Street, right?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, that's Jerry.

               
                             DOG OWNER
               Really? You wouldn't happen to know 
               what apartment he's in, would you?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, 5A!

               
                             DOG OWNER
               Thanks a lot!

               
               (in front of Jeffrey's apartment)

               
                             AMY
               So what are we doing here?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you'll find out.

               
                             AMY
               I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm very mysterious by nature.
 
               
               
               (Jerry knocks on the door)

               
                             JERRY
               A lot of women find that attractive.
 
               
               
                             AMY
               I find it annoying.

               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
               (Uncle Leo opens the door)

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Helloooo!

               
                             JERRY
               Uncle Leo!

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Come on in.

               
                             JERRY
               This is Amy.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Hello Amy.

               
                             JERRY
               Unlce Leo, what are you doing here?
 
               
               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Jeffrey went out tonight.

               
                             JERRY
               Ooh! Very convenient.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               I'm supposed to tape this nature show 
               for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. 
               You know his botany teacher from college 
               stays in close touch with him? They 
               became friends!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh really?

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! 
               Like equals! They have dinner together, 
               they have discussings...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets 
               here for me?
 
               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em.

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you.

               
                             AMY
               What tickets?

               
                             JERRY
               To the Paul Simon concert in the park!
 
               
               
                             AMY
               We're going to the Paul Simon concert?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That's right, lady!

               
                             AMY
               Oh what a great surprise!

               
                             JERRY
               I thought you'd like that.

               
                             AMY
               Oooh, that's why you've been acting 
               so mysteriously.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Now you know. That, and that alone, 
               is the reason.
 
               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Hear Jeffrey's favorite animal: the 
               leopard.
 
               
                             AMY
               Why is that?

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the 
               tickets.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Thank you.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. 
               He said that he's very sorry and he 
               hopes you'll forgive 'em.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were 
               making out with him!
 
               
                             AMY
               What are you talking about, I don't 
               know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you 
               brought me up here?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna 
               work this time.
 
               
                             UNCLE LEO
               What are you talking about? All he meant 
               was that he was sorry that the seats 
               aren't very good.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza?

               
               (in front of J & T Optical)

               
               (George is walking with the blind man)

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait, these really do pinch the nose.
 
               
               
               (George takes of his glasses)

               
                             BLIND MAN
               Tough luck! Deal's a deal.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh my got it is them.

               
               (George puts on his glasses again and sees it's a woman kissing 
               a horse)
 
               
               (New York Health Club locker room)

               
                             JERRY
               I still don't know how you spotted that 
               dime. I think you planted it. Plus I've 
               got to pay that vet bill for the stupid 
               dog. I don't know how that guy got my 
               name.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Boy these really do pinch. I tell 
               you, if I ever find the son of a bitch 
               that stole my glasses...
 
               
               (The camera shows George's glasses on top of his locker)

               
               
                            THE END



The Glasses



Writers :   Tom Gammill  Max Pross
Genres :   Comedy


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