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                          THE GOOD SAMARITAN



                             Written by

                           Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (Jerry is driving alone talking on his car phone to Elaine at 
               home in her
 
               bed)

               
               
                             ELAINE
               You know it's bad enough you have a 
               car phone, you have to use the
 
               speaker?

               
                             JERRY
               It's safer! Plus it's more annoying 
               to the other person.
 
               
               (Driver cuts in front of Jerry)

                             JERRY
               Oh look at this guy.

               
                             ELAINE
               What's goin' on?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh there's a guy trying to get in front 
               of me, he has to ask
 
               permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in.

               
                             ELAINE
               Did you get a thank you wave?

               
                             JERRY
               No, nothing. How could you not give 
               a thank you wave? Hey buddy!
 
               Where's my thank you wave?

               
               (Jerry sticks his head out the window)

                             JERRY
               Give me that wave!

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, are you free on Friday?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'm free, why?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky 
               today, she asked me to have
 
               dinner with her and her husband.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my God! You won't believe what I 
               just saw! A car just bashed into
 
               a parked car, and sped off, right on my block!

               
                             ELAINE
               You gotta follow that car!

               
                             JERRY
               What?!

               
                             ELAINE
               You can't let him get away with that!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, the guy could be dangerous.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you, yellow?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're 
               yella.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait, he stopped, he's parking.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry?
 
               
               
               (Scene moves outside where Jerry get out of his car to confront 
               other
 
               driver, who as they come out of their car, is an attractive woman)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving 
               behind you, uh, a few blocks
 
               back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, 
               I witnessed
 
               that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the 
               performance
 
               of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and 
               pinion
 
               steering. (They both smile flirtatiously at each other)

               
               
               
               (Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry and George are 
               talking by the
 
               table)

                             JERRY
               So I wound up going out for a decaf 
               cappuccino with her.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. 
               I have no speech.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, I really liked her. We talked. 
               We flirted. And when she
 
               left, she reached out and touched my arm.

               
               (Reaches out to touch Georges arm to demonstrate)

                             JERRY
               He, he, he. (Simulating her feminine 
               laugh)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I love when they touch your arm. I can't 
               get enough of that. Why is
 
               that?

               
                             JERRY
               Let's not even analyze it.

               
               (Jerry begins walking towards door)

                             GEORGE
               So you didn't turn her in?

               
                             JERRY
               I wanted to but I couldn't go through 
               with it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Gonna see her again?

               
                             JERRY
               Friday night.

               
               (Intercom buzzes, Jerry presses the button)

                             JERRY
               Yep.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's me!

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up.

               
               (Jerry unlocks and opens door)

                             JERRY
               By the way, Elaine does not need to 
               know about anything.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey, hey! I dig.

               
               (George walks into kitchen and opens cupboard to get cups)

                             JERRY
               Oh, you dig?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes! I see enormous potential here.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
               (George pours two cups of milk)

                             GEORGE
               Because great couples always have a 
               great story about how they met.
 
               That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've 
               never had a
 
               good meeting story.

               
                             JERRY
               I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this 
               woman at all.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't think so.

               
                             JERRY
               Look, she slammed into a parked car! 
               She took no responsibility for
 
               mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like 
               a criminal!
 
               
               (Jerry takes a drink of his milk while both remain silent)

                             JERRY
               On the other hand, does that mean she 
               should never be allowed to date
 
               again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social 
               contact for
 
               the rest of your life?!

               
               (Jerry looks at his cup in disgust)

                             JERRY
               What am I drinking, milk?

               
               (Elaine enters, hanging up her jacket)

                             ELAINE
               Hey!

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
               (Elaine tosses a sweater to Jerry)

                             ELAINE
               Sweater.

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you.

               
                             ELAINE
               So? What happened?

               
               (Jerry starts walking away)

                             JERRY
               With that?

               
                             ELAINE
               With the car!

               
                             JERRY
               What car?

               
                             ELAINE
               The hit and run!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, right, right, right, right, right, 
               right, right, the hit and run.
 
               Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens.

               
                             ELAINE
               Queens?! You followed him over the bridge?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Over the bridge. (Making a pointing 
               motion with his hand)
 
               
               (George walks out of the kitchen)

                             GEORGE
               Oh, well I didn't know you went into 
               Queens Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, Queens.

               
                             ELAINE
               So? Then what?

               
                             JERRY
               So he gets out of the car, I say, "Hey 
               buddy! I saw you hit that
 
               car!" So he says to me, "What are ya gonna do about it?"

               
               (Elaine gasps)

                             JERRY
               So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary."
 
               
               
               (Elaine stutters with her mouth open in amazement)

                             ELAINE
               I am speechless. I am without speech.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Tell her about the shoving.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
               (George smiles pointing at him)

                             ELAINE
               What shoving?!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it was nothing.

               
                             GEORGE
               No! Tell her.

               
               (Jerry looks at George with a grin)

                             JERRY
               Well he kinda lost his temper, and he 
               was pushing me up against the
 
               car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position 
               and does
 
               two punches)

               
                             ELAINE
               You know karate??

               
                             JERRY
               I know a little.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry 
               what did he do?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually.
 
               
               
               (Kramer enters)

                             KRAMER
               Hey! (Group does likewise)

               
                             ELAINE
               Did you tell Kramer?

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking 
               away)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What? What? What? Tell me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry saw this guy crash into a car, 
               and he followed him.
 
               
               (Jerry looks at Kramer and raises both his arms smiling)

               
                             KRAMER
               Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife 
               would do a thing like
 
               that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. 
               (Pointing
 
               a finger at Jerry)

               
                             KRAMER
               They should be sent to Australia.

               
               (Jerry has a confused look)

                             JERRY
               Australia?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, that's where England used 
               to send their convicts.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But not any more.

               
                             KRAMER
               No.

               
               (Everyone pauses and looks at Kramer)

                             ELAINE
               Hey Kramer, Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah?

               
                             ELAINE
               What happened to you right here? (She's 
               pointing to her forehead)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know!

               
               (Jerry smiles and shakes his head)

                             KRAMER
               You know I was watching Entertainment 
               Tonight, and uh, suddenly I
 
               got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee 
               table.
 
               
               (Elaine has a look of surprise)

                             ELAINE
               Well, that is, that is strange.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yep. (Mumbles off)

               
               (Elaine walks toward door)

                             ELAINE
               Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for 
               Friday night, right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have 
               a date.
 
               
               (Elaine closes door and walks back toward Jerry)

                             ELAINE
               But last night you said you were free! 
               (Sounding very disappointed)
 
               
                             JERRY
               We just met.

               
               (Kramer is tapping his temple with his finger)

                             KRAMER
               Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               But I, I can't go alone!

               
                             JERRY
               Ask George to go with you.

               
                             ELAINE
               George, come on! I'll pay for you.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You'll pay? I'm there.

               
                             JERRY
               Why do you even need anybody?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because I hate being at a table alone, 
               with a married couple.
 
               Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture. 
               They're
 
               always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better 
               than mine.
 
               You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As 
               she's closing
 
               the door to leave)

               
               
               
               (Scene moves to restaurant with Elaine, George, and the married 
               couple,
 
               Michael and Robin, sitting down talking, George is mainly focused 
               on eating
 
               his meal)

                             ROBIN
               You went out with a bullfighter?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, well, an ex-bullfighter now.

               
                             MICHAEL
               Wow.

               
                             ROBIN
               What was his name?

               
                             ELAINE
               His name? Name, um, his name was uh, 
               uh, Eduardo Carochio.
 
               
               (George points across the table)

                             GEORGE
               Pass the salt please.

               
                             ROBIN
               Where did you meet him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland, 
               and he was fighting uh, is
 
               that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight 
               the
 
               bull, they avoid fighting the bull.

               
               (Elaine and couple laugh, George points at the bread)

                             GEORGE
               Bread.

               
               (Elaine hands bread to George)

                             ELAINE
               I just love meeting new people. You 
               know that's how you really do
 
               learn about life.

               
               (Robin sneezes, no one says anything, George lifts his head and 
               looks at
 
               Michael)

                             GEORGE
               God bless you.

               
               (Robin smiles)

                             ROBIN
               Thank you.

               
                             GEORGE
               I wasn't going to say anything, but 
               then I could see that he wasn't
 
               going to open his mouth. (Chuckles)

               
               (Michael stops pouring wine and looks seriously at George)

               
               
               
               (Scene moves to Jerry's car, where Jerry and hit-and-run woman 
               are both
 
               eating an ice cream cones)

                             WOMAN
               You know who's a good actor? Anthony 
               Quinn.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from 
               what I understand, not a very
 
               good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a 
               note.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Did you ever see Zorba the Greek?

               
                             JERRY
               Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he 
               never felt so good as when he
 
               left a note after smacking into a car.

               
               (Woman touches Jerry's hair, smiling)

                             WOMAN
               Come here.

               
               
               
               (Scene moves back to restaurant where an argument has developed 
               between
 
               Michael and George)

                             GEORGE
               Really, I was, I was only kidding around.
 
               
               
                             ROBIN
               He was only joking Michael.

               
               (Michael throws down his serviette)

                             MICHAEL
               You think you're so damn special because 
               you say 'God bless you'?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, I don't think I'm special. My 
               mother always said I'm not
 
               special.

               
                             ROBIN
               He was only joking Michael! Sorry.
 
               
               
                             MICHAEL
               All right! Take his side!

               
                             ROBIN
               I am not taking his side.

               
                             MICHAEL
               Well who's side are you taking?!

               
                             ROBIN
               Well I'm not taking your side!

               
               (Robin sneezes, George gestures to Michael that the floor is 
               his)
 
               
               
               
               (Scene moves back to Jerry's car, where Jerry and the hit-and-run 
               woman are
 
               now kissing)

                             JERRY
               Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very 
               bad driver. But he's such an
 
               unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even 
               leave a note.
 
               He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up 
               so he can
 
               exchange license, registration, and apologize.

               
               (Woman pulls Jerry back in and starts kissing him again)

               
               
               
               (Scene moves back to Jerry apartment with George talking outside 
               Jerry room,
 
               where Jerry is)

                             GEORGE
               I said 'God bless you'. Was that so 
               wrong?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The question is, did you allow a space 
               for the husband to come in
 
               with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the 
               right to first
 
               refusal.

               
               (George makes a confused look. The intercom buzzes, Jerry walks 
               over and
 
               presses the button)

                             ELAINE
               It's me.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up.

               
               (Jerry unlocks door, conversation moves into kitchen)

                             GEORGE
               Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let 
               me say this: Once he passes
 
               on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.

               
                             JERRY
               No argument. Unless, she's one of these 
               multiple sneezers, and he's
 
               holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes 
               the series.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well I don't think she is a multiple 
               sneezer, because she sneezed
 
               again later, and it was also a single.

               
                             JERRY
               What if she's having an off night?
 
               
               
               (Elaine walks in, Jerry goes to sit down on sofa)

                             ELAINE
               Hi!

               
               Jerry. Hi.

               
               (Elaine takes her coat off and walks into kitchen)

                             ELAINE
               Well! If it isn't mister gesuntheit!
 
               
               
               (George walks out of kitchen)

                             GEORGE
               Oh ya, like there's something wrong 
               with saying 'God bless you'. I
 
               was raised to say 'God bless you'.

               
               (Jerry sneezes)

                             GEORGE
               Ah, shut up.

               
                             ELAINE
               What does it mean anyway? 'God bless 
               you'. It's a stupid
 
               'stuperstition'.

               
               (Elaine sits on sofa, George sits on arm of sofa)

                             JERRY
               A stupid what?

               
               (Elaine looks at Jerry)

                             ELAINE
               Whatever.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, if you want to make a person 
               feel better after they sneeze,
 
               you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo 
               good
 
               lookin''.

               
               (Elaine nods, George rolls his eyes)

                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah, that's better than 'God 
               bless you'. Anyway, she left a
 
               message on my machine, she wants you to call her.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who?

               
                             ELAINE
               Robin!

               
               (George looks quickly at Elaine)

                             GEORGE
               Why?!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well I assumed she called to apologize, 
               that's why she called me.
 
               
               (George stands up)

                             JERRY
               Entertainment Tonight's on.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where's the remote phone?

               
                             JERRY
               Bedroom.

               
               (George walks toward Jerry's bedroom)

                             ELAINE
               Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would 
               you?
 
               
               (Theme music plays on TV, Kramer walks in, waves at Jerry and 
               Elaine, then
 
               walks over to Jerry's bookshelf, dancing to the music. Voice 
               of Mary Hart
 
               starts on TV and Kramer starts having a wild seizure behind the 
               sofa.)
 
                             JERRY
               What's it like out?

               
               (Kramer continues to shake behind sofa)

                             ELAINE
               Chilly out.

               
                             JERRY
               Can I take a sweater?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, you can take a sweater if you 
               want to.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Scarf?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off.
 
               
               
               (Jerry and Elaine finally notice Kramer as he finishes)

                             JERRY
               What's the matter? What's going on?
 
               
               
               (Kramer is looking around like he's lost)

                             KRAMER
               What happened?!

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               I think I hit my head again!

               
                             JERRY
               What is wrong?!

               
               (Elaine is pointing at the TV)

                             ELAINE
               Hey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask 
               you something. Kramer, the last
 
               time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               (Elaine claps her hands together then stands up)

                             ELAINE
               That is it!

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
               (Elaine walks toward Kramer pointing her finger at him)

                             ELAINE
               That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't 
               you see? There's something
 
               about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like, 
               just like,
 
               just like that woman in Albany!

               
               (George walks out of Jerry's bedroom toward kitchen, Kramer sits 
               down)
 
                             KRAMER
               Mary Hart!

               
                             GEORGE
               God.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well she apologized, and then she wanted 
               to know if we could get
 
               together Wednesday afternoon.

               
                             JERRY
               Get together?

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe she just wants to talk to me?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Married women don't 'get together'. 
               They have affairs.
 
               
               (George walks to other side of sofa)

                             GEORGE
               Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. 
               It's like with stockings and
 
               martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't 
               cost me
 
               any money.

               
               (George sits on chair)

                             ELAINE
               Are you actually considering this?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't have an affair with a married 
               woman, that's despicable!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving 
               away without leaving a
 
               note.

               
               (Jerry moves around sofa as if uncomfortable)

                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
               (Kramer walks out of washroom)

                             KRAMER
               Hey, you know who owns that car?

               
                             JERRY
               What car?

               
                             KRAMER
               The one that was hit a couple of nights 
               ago.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah who?

               
                             KRAMER
               That blond across the street. You know 
               the one with the long
 
               ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants.

               
               (Jerry stands up and walks toward kitchen)

                             JERRY
               The blond with the blue sweatpants! 
               Yeah, I think I've seen her.
 
               
               (Elaine nods, smiling)

                             ELAINE
               Well I've got to get going. I'm meeting 
               a guy with grey sweatpants.
 
               
               (Elaine walks out door, Kramer follows)

                             KRAMER
               Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's 
               not John Tesh?
 
               
               (Jerry closes door behind them, then runs over to George very 
               excited)
 
                             JERRY
               The blond with the blue sweatpants!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, who is she?

               
                             JERRY
               I've had a crush on this woman for year! 
               I've always been afraid to
 
               approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark 
               cards.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants! 
               Gees, it's too bad you can't
 
               say anything because of Angela.

               
               (Jerry sits down, disgruntled, flips aimlessly through a magazine)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. 
               I mean what kind of sick person
 
               does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, 
               I actually
 
               owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by 
               and allow this
 
               to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is!

               
               (Jerry and George are both pointing their fingers at each other)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You can't compromise your principles!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How am I going to live with myself?!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Can't live!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not religious, but I certainly know 
               where to draw the line!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This country needs more people like 
               you!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't sell yourself short saying 'God 
               bless you' to every Tom, Dick
 
               and Harry in great personal risk.

               
                             GEORGE
               I believe strongly in that as you know.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               There should be more people like us.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That's why the world's in the shape 
               it's in.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're telling me.

               
               (Jerry and George both flip pages simultaneously and start reading 
               their
 
               magazines)

               
               
               
               (Scene moves to apartment across street, where Jerry is talking 
               to the girl
 
               with the blue sweatpants, Becky Gelke, outside her door)

                             JERRY
               Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that 
               I'm going to do everything I
 
               can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible 
               or
 
               something very close to that.

               
               (Becky touches Jerry's arm, smiling)

                             BECKY
               Well God bless you.

               
               (Jerry pauses)

                             JERRY
               Thank you very much.

               
               
               
               (Scene moves to George's apartment, where George and Robin are 
               together in
 
               bed)

                             GEORGE
               Oh my God. I must be crazy. What have 
               I done?
 
               
                             ROBIN
               Oh no, what's wrong?

               
                             GEORGE
               What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. 
               I just committed adultery!
 
               
                             ROBIN
               You didn't commit adultery, I did.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah.

               
                             ROBIN
               If I didn't do it with you, I would 
               have done it with someone else.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. 
               You know there's a lot of
 
               losers out there.

               
                             ROBIN
               Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God 
               bless you'.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, that's a given.

               
                             ROBIN
               In three years with Michael, not one 
               'God bless you'.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Must be hell living in that house.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Scene moves to Elaine's apartment, where she is talking on the 
               phone to
 
               Michael)

                             MICHAEL
               Hi, it's Michael.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, Michael!

               
                             MICHAEL
               Is Robin there?

               
                             ELAINE
               Robin? No, why?

               
                             MICHAEL
               Uh, she said she was going to be with 
               you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No I haven't spoken to her all day-uh, 
               yeah right, um, as a matter
 
               of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't 
               here, but I
 
               have the note, uh, right here.

               
               (Elaine sits on the couch and crumples newspaper into the phone)
 
               
                             MICHAEL
               If she's not with you, then where is 
               she?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well I, I don't know.

               
                             MICHAEL
               Is she with your bald friend from the 
               other night?!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, come on Michael!

               
                             MICHAEL
               He's finished! I'm going to sew his 
               ass to his face! I'm going to
 
               twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going 
               to break his
 
               joints, and reattach them!

               
               (Michael sneezes)

                             ELAINE
               You're soo good lookin'.

               
               
               
               (Scene moves back to Jerry's apartment, where Jerry and Angela 
               are talking
 
               by the sofa)

                             ANGELA
               Now you listen to me, suck face! You 
               tell anybody, anything, and I
 
               will carve my initials in your brain tissue!

               
                             JERRY
               Let me rephra-

               
                             ANGELA
               I'll bash your skull into a vegematic 
               like a bad cabbage, and I'll
 
               have a party on your head!

               
               (Elaine walks in)

                             JERRY
               Hi Elaine, this is Angela.

               
                             ANGELA
               I'll pluck all your body hairs out with 
               my teeth!
 
               
               (Jerry walks past her away from the kitchen)

                             JERRY
               Well I think I get the gist of it.
 
               
               
                             ANGELA
               So you don't say anything to anybody 
               about me hitting that car!
 
               
               (Jerry shrugs)

                             JERRY
               What car?

               
               (Jerry hands Angela her purse)

                             ANGELA
               Good. I'm glad we understand each other.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's not complicated.

               
               (Angela walks out and down hall, Elaine waves)

                             ELAINE
               Very nice meeting you!

               
               (Intercom buzzes, Elaine hits button while walking toward Jerry)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Come on up.

               
               (Elaine laughs)

                             ELAINE
               Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That 
               must have been so frightening!
 
               When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see 
               if I've got
 
               this scenario right.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing 
               'French Connection', kind
 
               of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the 
               city!
 
               
                             JERRY
               It was just a couple of blocks.

               
               (Elaine takes cup from Jerry and sets it on counter)

                             ELAINE
               Oh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest!
 
               
               
               (George walks in open door, and into kitchen. Elaine walks toward 
               him, Jerry
 
               goes to washroom)

                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, did you check you machine?

               
               (George takes glass from cupboard)

                             GEORGE
               No, why, what's happening?

               
                             ELAINE
               Michael called me today, and he asked 
               me where Robin was.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, okay.

               
                             ELAINE
               And I said I hadn't seen her.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?!

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no George! You don't understand! 
               She didn't tell me she was
 
               using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going 
               on, and I
 
               said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. 
               And then, and
 
               then he did mention your name.

               
                             GEORGE
               He mentioned my name?! What did he say?!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               He said he was going to sew your ass 
               to your face.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What? Why couldn't you think of something?!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well I don't know, he caught me off 
               guard!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You lie! How hard is it to lie?!

               
               (Jerry walks back from washroom)

                             JERRY
               It's not that hard.

               
               (Elaine points finger at George)

                             ELAINE
               Well who told you to sleep with her 
               George?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's not my fault! I wasn't going to 
               do anything until you got her
 
               all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the 
               matador!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh Gosh! None of this would never have 
               happened if you wouldn't have
 
               said 'God bless you'!

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh don't-

               
               (Jerry raises his arms)

                             JERRY
               Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? 
               What matador?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She told this couple she had an affair 
               with a matador.
 
               
                             JERRY
               A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento 
               por favor. Pray tell, what
 
               was the young man's name?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio.

               
               (Jerry uses hand towel to mimic matador)

                             JERRY
               Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's 
               very good. Kind of just rolls
 
               of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single 
               girl might
 
               meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Ray's Pizza!

               
               
               
               (Scene moves to Becky's apartment, where Jerry is talking to 
               her outside her
 
               door)

                             JERRY
               Anyway, this person told me to tell 
               you to get an estimate on the
 
               damage.

               
                             BECKY
               Well, I already got an estimate. It's 
               $875.
 
               
                             JERRY
               $875?

               
                             BECKY
               That's right.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll 
               give you a check, and then
 
               this person can pay me back.

               
               (Jerry takes out checkbook, and start writing)

                             JERRY
               Um, who do I make it out to?

               
                             BECKY
               Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E.

               
                             JERRY
               So, what are you doing this weekend?
 
               
               
               (Jerry hands check to Becky)

                             BECKY
               You have got some nerve! You smash up 
               my car, you don't admit it, and
 
               now you want to ask me out on a date?

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't do it!

               
                             BECKY
               Yeah righ-

               
               (Becky sneezes)

                             JERRY
               You are soo good lookin'.

               
               (Becky closes door)

                             BECKY
               Thank you.

               
               
               
               (Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry is changing in 
               bedroom and
 
               George is looking out window)

                             GEORGE
               Jerry, let's go! You ready?

               
               (Jerry walks out of bedroom)

                             JERRY
               You sure you want to do this? I'm going 
               to be on the road for three
 
               weeks!

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking 
               me, I'm not staying in the
 
               city.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright!

               
               (George put his bag over his shoulder)

                             GEORGE
               Come on let's get out of here.

               
               (Kramer enters)

                             KRAMER
               How could you?

               
                             JERRY
               What?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Man! I never thought you were capable 
               of this!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What did I do?

               
                             KRAMER
               I just talked to Becky Gelke outside, 
               she told me how you hit and
 
               ran.

               
                             JERRY
               I-

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't even want to look at you anymore! 
               All these years of
 
               friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment 
               to the
 
               building.

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't do it! I just had to pay her 
               to cover for somebody else!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Now you're not going to lie to me, are 
               you?
 
               
               (Jerry is putting on sweater)

                             JERRY
               No, never.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened 
               out because I've got a
 
               date with her.

               
                             JERRY
               You got a date with Becky Gelke?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, going out with her Saturday night.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, can we get out of here?!

               
                             KRAMER
               As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for 
               you, I wouldn't have even had
 
               an excuse to talk to her.

               
                             JERRY
               Well I'm happy to help, in any way that 
               I can.
 
               
               (Jerry yanks coat out of George's hands)

               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Good Samaritan



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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