The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE GUM



                             Written by

                       Tom Gammill & Max Pross




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               (unwrapping a piece of gum) I think 
               gum is, is one of the weirdest human 
               inventions. (pops gum in his mouth) 
               It's not a liquid, 's not a solid, 's 
               not a food. What is it? It isn't really 
               anything, you know. I mean, it's like 
               a stationary bike for your jaw. Like, 
               remember when you were in school, and 
               teachers would get all riled up if they 
               caught you with gum? And when you were 
               a kid, you'd think 'What is the big 
               deal?' But, as an adult, I can understand 
               it, because when you're chewing gum, 
               you don't look like you're too thrilled 
               with anything anyone has to say. (as 
               sarcastic teen) 'Oh, World War Two. 
               That was an important historical event? 
               Yeah, I'm sure.' 'They landed a man 
               on the moon, nineteen sixty-nine? Yeah, 
               right. Yeah, I buy that, teach.'
 
               
               (Monk's)

               
               (Jerry and George sitting in a booth, much as usual)

               
                             GEORGE
               You think she's happy?

               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             GEORGE
               (indicates with his head) The cashier.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ruthie Cohen?

               
                             GEORGE
               (surprised) You know her name?

               
                             JERRY
               Sure.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't think I've ever spoken to her.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe that's why she's happy.

               
               (Kramer enters. He has a handful of flyers)

               
                             KRAMER
               (handing Jerry & George a flyer) Good 
               morning, gentlemen.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is this?

               
                             KRAMER
               (removing his coat) Yeah, well, it's 
               the latest offering from the Alex
 
               
               
               (Theatre)

               
                             JERRY
               That stinky old movie-house?

               
                             KRAMER
               (sits beside Jerry) Well, you should 
               smell it now. We fixed up the place.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (gesturing with flyer) With Spartacus?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (lighting his pipe) Well, it's a rare 
               archival print. (jumps as his burns 
               his fingers) Twelve extra minutes, full 
               wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you 
               come to the one o'clock show, you can 
               hear Geoffrey Har-harwood.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Geoffrey who?

               
                             KRAMER
               Har-harwood, Jerry. He was the assistant 
               wardrobe man on Spartacus. Some fascinating 
               insights into the production.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why would I spend seven dollars to see 
               a movie that I could watch on TV?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when 
               you can just stick something in the 
               microwave? Why go to the park and fly 
               a kite, when you can just pop a pill? 
               (looks around Monk's) Listen, you guys 
               haven't seen Lloyd Braun, have you? 
               I'm supposed to meet him here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Lloyd Braun? What d'you have to meet 
               him for?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he's using his connections in 
               the Mayor's office, to uh, get the theatre 
               landmark status.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I thought he screwed up the Dinkins 
               campaign.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he did. You know, after that, 
               he had a nervous breakdown? Had to spend 
               a few months in an institution.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now. 
               I've taken him under my wing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, then I'm not worried.

               
               Lloyd Braun enters in the background.

               
                             KRAMER
               But he still needs all of our support. 
               Now, when he gets here treat him like 
               he's one of the gang, huh.
 
               
               Lloyd wanders toward the guys at the table.

               
                             GEORGE
               (thoughtful) Breakdown, huh?

               
                             LLOYD
               Hey Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey Lloyd, hey buddy. (gets up and 
               shakes Lloyd's hand)
 
               
                             LLOYD
               How you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               (slaps Lloyd on the shoulder) Sit down. 
               (sits himself)
 
               
                             LLOYD
               Hi Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Lloyd.

               
                             LLOYD
               George.

               
               Lloyd sits beside George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello, Lloyd. How you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah well, he's doing fine, George.
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               (offering packet) Gum?

               
                             JERRY
               (peering) That's an interesting package.
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               Yeah, it's from China. Go ahead, try 
               a piece. Tell me that's not the most 
               delicious gum you've ever tasted.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, yes. We shall all try a piece and 
               tell you how delicious it is. (he takes 
               pieces for himself and Jerry)
 
               
                             LLOYD
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't chew gum.

               
                             JERRY
               (chewing) Mmm, different. Where'd you 
               get it?
 
               
                             LLOYD
               Friend of mine in Chinatown gave it 
               to me. If you want I can ask him where 
               he got it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nah, don't bother.

               
                             LLOYD
               No, it's no problem.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't want it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, Jerry. Lloyd says it's no problem. 
               He's capable of locating the gum.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
                             KRAMER
               Mmm, delicious. This is delicious. Mmm.
 
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               George sits at the table examining the contents of his wallet. 
               Jerry is still chewing and by his face, he's not enjoying it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You know what? I think this Ruthie Cohen 
               gave me the wrong change.
 
               
               Didn't I pay with a twenty? I'm sure I paid with a twenty.

               
               Elaine enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               I think I finally figured out what the 
               flavor is in this gum. It's a little 
               lo-mein-y (he spits it into the waste 
               bin)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What kind is that?

               
                             JERRY
               It's Chinese gum, Lloyd Braun gave me.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Lloyd Braun? How's he doing?

               
                             GEORGE
               (almost gleeful) After Dinkins lost 
               the election, he had a complete nervous 
               breakdown. They had to lock him up.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You know, that's around the same time 
               I broke up with Lloyd. Y... you don't 
               think that I had anything to do with 
               his breakdown, do you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, I remember when we parted 
               company, I was babbling incoherently 
               for months.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah? Well, I got news for you.

               
                             GEORGE
               The whole time that I was growing up, 
               all I ever heard from my mother was 
               'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd 
               Braun?'
 
               
                             JERRY
               And in the end Lloyd Braun became more 
               like you.
 
               
               George snaps his fingers and points to Jerry, signaling his agreement. 
               Then he picks up his jacket and heads for the door.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Right, gotta get going.

               
                             JERRY
               Aren't you coming with us to Spartacus?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Nah, I gotta deliver some Christmas 
               presents to my parents.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I thought your parents were outta town?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why d'you think I'm going now?

               
                             
               Queens)

               
               George has parked his car on the street, and gets out. An elderly 
               guy is on the
 
               
               porch of his house and recognises George.

               
                             POP
               Georgie!

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Mr Lazzari.

               
                             POP
               Back in the old neighborhood, ah?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah. Just delivering some presents 
               to my folks.
 
               
                             POP
               Oh, snazzy car. Le Baron?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, eighty-three. Used to belong to 
               John Voight.
 
               
                             POP
               The actor, right?

               
                             GEORGE
               Something like that.

               
                             POP
               Mind if I look under the hood?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no no no no. Go ahead, Pop, you 
               always knew your cars.
 
               
               A young woman has exited from the old guy's house, and approaches.
 
               
               
                             POP
               Oh, Deena! Deena, Deena, l... look who's 
               here.
 
               
               Pop lifts the hood of the car, and leans into the engine compartment.
 
               
               
                             DEENA
               George Costanza, is that you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey Deena, come on, give us a hug. (they 
               hug) Oh my gosh, you look as
 
               
               pretty as you did back in high school.

               
                             DEENA
               Boy, those were some crazy times.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah. Speaking of crazy, did you 
               hear about Lloyd Braun?
 
               
                             
               Lobby)

               
               Kramer is leading Jerry and Elaine on a tour of the Alex. There 
               are a few
 
               
               customers scattered about and a bored attendant behind the counter. 
               Elaine has a
 
               
               big bucket of popcorn.

               
                             KRAMER
               The Alex was built in nineteen twenty-two, 
               during the golden era of
 
               
               movie palaces. Minor restorations in nineteen forty-one, forty-seven, 
               fifty-two,
 
               
               fifty-eight, sixty-three, and currently to our present period 
               of time.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, you're really getting into this 
               aren't you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, yes I am. The icing on the cake 
               would be getting that landmark
 
               
               status from the City. We're hoping Lloyd Braun can pull a few 
               strings.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, can Lloyd really do that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Lloyd Braun can do anything he puts 
               his mind to. He's fine, Jerry. (to
 
               
               
               Elaine) And you should say hello to him, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               (concerned) What? Lloyd is here?

               
               Kramer indicates Lloyd approaching.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? No, no, I'd rather...

               
                             LLOYD
               Hi Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               (big fake smile) Lloyd, yes. Hello.
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               Kramer tell you? We reserved some special 
               seats, so we can all sit
 
               
               together.

               
                             ELAINE
               (reluctant) Oh, well... I, uh, actually 
               Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit
 
               
               in the front row, uhm, (desperately inventing) because uh, because, 
               because he,
 
               
               he forgot his glasses. So uh, thanks for getting us... uhm, we'll 
               see you
 
               
               afterwards.

               
               Elaine grabs Jerry by the arm and leads him toward the auditorium.
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               That was odd. Am I crazy, or does Jerry 
               not wear glasses?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (emphatic) You're not crazy. Jerry does 
               wear glasses. He just forgot
 
               
               'em, that's all. (puts an arm round Lloyd's shoulder) Not crazy.
 
               
               
                             
               Auditorium)

               
               Jerry and Elaine sit in the front row of seats. Elaine is eating 
               popcorn.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We're all the way in the front row. 
               Why couldn't we sit in the special
 
               
               
               seats?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking 
               I was leading him on again.
 
               
               Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable.

               
               The lights go down, and music is heard as the show begins. Jerry 
               and Elaine lean
 
               
               back in their seats to be able to see the screen

               
                             JERRY
               Nah, you don't wanna be uncomfortable.
 
               
               
                             
               Queens)

               
               Deena and George are still talking. Pop is under the hood of 
               George's car. Bangs
 
               
               and clanks can be heard as he fiddles with the mechanics.

               
                             DEENA
               Poor Lloyd.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know. Completely bonkers!

               
                             DEENA
               Sorry I can't be so flip about this 
               kind of thing. You know, after what
 
               
               
               happened to Pop.

               
                             GEORGE
               Pop? What happened to Pop?

               
                             DEENA
               I thought you heard. He had a nervous 
               breakdown last year. That's why I'm
 
               
               
               taking care of him.

               
               Pop comes out momentarily.

               
                             POP
               Oh, I tell you, they don't build 'em 
               like this any more.
 
               
               He goes back under the hood.

               
                             GEORGE
               (a little worried) He uh, he doesn't 
               have the auto shop any more?
 
               
                             DEENA
               Uhn, it was too much for him.

               
               Pop is thumping away at part of the engine with a spanner.

               
                             GEORGE
               (very worried) Uhm, I, I gotta go.
 
               
               
                             DEENA
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I just remembered, I gotta be someplace. 
               Yuh-hu-hur, that's enough. Pop.
 
               
               Pop, put down the wrench, Pop.

               
                             
               Auditorium)

               
               Kramer and Lloyd sits side by side in the special seats, watching 
               Spartacus.
 
               
               They're smiling happily.

               
               Jerry and Elaine lean uncomfortably back in their front-row seats. 
               They're both
 
               
               eating popcorn. Elaine drops a piece onto her blouse, where it 
               rests next to a
 
               
               fancy button. She retrieves the corn, and dislodges the button 
               without noticing.
 
               
               The button falls to the floor where it rests among other detritus.
 
               
               
               (George's Car)

               
               George is driving along the road in his Le Baron. Over the usual 
               engine noise
 
               
               can be heard a metallic rasping, grinding noise. George listens 
               for a few
 
               
               moments, wondering where it's coming from. Then he looks concerned, 
               then angry.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Pop! POP!!

               
                             
               Lobby)

               
               Kramer and Jerry stand in the lobby. Kramer smoking his pipe, 
               Jerry massaging
 
               
               his neck. Lloyd wanders over to join them.

               
                             LLOYD
               's a great movie, huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             LLOYD
               Sorry you forgot those glasses.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know what I was thinking.

               
                             LLOYD
               How'd you like that gum?

               
                             JERRY
               (noncommittal) Errh.

               
                             KRAMER
               (slapping Jerry on the back) Ah, he 
               loved it.
 
               
               Elaine enters. In the absence of the button she lost in the auditorium, 
               her
 
               
               blouse is open to below her breasts, and everything's in the 
               shop window. Not
 
               
               that she knows it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey Kramer, you know what? There, there 
               isn't a light there, in the
 
               
               ladies' room.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah. It's being repaired.

               
               Elaine is suffering with her neck. She rolls her head back and 
               feels the back of
 
               
               her neck with her hand.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Oh God.

               
                             LLOYD
               You alright?

               
               Elaine stretches her back and neck, at the same time pushing 
               her upperworks into
 
               
               greater prominence.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, I sat too close to the screen. Oh. 
               I just gotta stretch out in a hot
 
               
               
               bath. It was nice to see you again, Lloyd.

               
               Elaine leaves. Kramer and Lloyd both stare after her.

               
               (Street Outside Alex)

               
               Elaine walks down the sidewalk, her blouse still open. A florist 
               is using a hose
 
               
               to wash down the sidewalk in front of his store. Elaine carefully 
               steps by,
 
               
               picking her way past. The florist also stares at Elaine's exposure.
 
               
               
               A cop stands a little further down the street. Elaine approaches 
               him.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Officer. Officer, is there some reason 
               this man has to always be using a
 
               
               
               hose? I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk. It's a waste of water. 
               Couldn't he
 
               
               just use a broom?

               
               The cop stares at Elaine's breasts the whole time she's talking.
 
               
               
                             COP
               Lady, you sold me. (strides toward florist) 
               Hey, you with the hose.
 
               
               Elaine looks confused about his attitude. She glances down, and 
               notices her
 
               
               blouse wide open. She quickly pulls her coat closed, to hide 
               her embarrassment,
 
               
               and hurries away.

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Kramer is handing Jerry a pair of spectacles.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, put these glasses on.

               
                             JERRY
               (taking them) Well, what's this for?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well Lloyd, he's gonna be here 
               any minute now.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he thinks you wear those.

               
               Jerry looks at the glasses with some distaste.

               
                             KRAMER
               They're from the lost and found at the 
               Alex.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Aw, c'mon Kramer, this is ridiculous. 
               I'm not gonna put these on.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. Okay. So he'll just think that the 
               two of you didn't sit with him on
 
               
               
               purpose. Ooh yeah, that's very nice. Very nice.

               
               (Monk's)

               
               George leans on the counter by the cash register, behind which 
               sits Ruthie
 
               
               Cohen.

               
                             GEORGE
               'scuse me. I uh, I was in here this 
               morning and uh, I believe I paid you
 
               
               
               with a twenty dollar bill, (smiles) but you only gave me change 
               for a ten.
 
               
                             CASHIER
               I don't think so.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I think so, and I can prove it. 
               You see, I was doodling on the bill
 
               
               
               and uh, so if you have a twenty in there with big lips on it... 
               well, (smiles)
 
               
               that's mine. Would you mind opening up the register?

               
                             CASHIER
               Not unless you buy something.

               
                             GEORGE
               Fine, I'll buy a pack of gum.

               
               Lloyd approaches the register to pay for something. The cashier 
               rings up
 
               
               George's purchase.

               
                             LLOYD
               Hey George. Thought you didn't chew 
               gum?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't.

               
               Ruthie opens the drawer on the register.

               
                             CASHIER
               Take a look.

               
               George goes round to the other side of the register and picks 
               up all the
 
               
               twenty-dollar bills. He shuffles through them, examining them 
               for doodles.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know I gave it to you.

               
                             LLOYD
               George, would you mind. I'm kind of 
               in a hurry.
 
               
               In addition to Lloyd, another customer is waiting to pay.

               
                             GEORGE
               (frustrated) Fine. Fine. (to customer) 
               Excuse me. (heading for the door)
 
               
               
               Think I'm gonna forget about this? I haven't forgotten about 
               this. I don't
 
               
               forget that easily!

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry is reading a newspaper, and holding it in such a way as 
               to conceal his
 
               
               face.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry, look who's here.

               
               Jerry folds over the top half of the paper, in order to see his 
               visitor. He also
 
               
               reveals to all that he is wearing the spectacles Kramer gave 
               him earlier.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, Lloyd.

               
                             LLOYD
               Hi Jerry. Got some more of that gum.
 
               
               
               He proffers the packet to Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               (unenthusiastic) Oh, the gum.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (still not happy) Uh, alright. (he takes 
               a piece)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, boy.

               
               Kramer and Lloyd sit on the couch. All of them start chewing 
               on the gum.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Now see, this is what the holidays are 
               all about. Three buddies, sitting
 
               
               
               around, chewing gum, huh? Mmm, mmm, yeah. So uh, you know, Lloyd, 
               he thinks he
 
               
               can get more of this.

               
               Jerry makes a show of removing his glasses and cleaning them.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, Lloyd's a very industrious fellow. 
               I'm sure he can accomplish
 
               
               anything he sets his mind to.

               
               Jerry puts his glasses back on.

               
                             LLOYD
               Actually, the importer's right in Chinatown. 
               I'll introduce you to him,
 
               
               you can get it whenever you want.

               
                             JERRY
               's not necessary.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry, you know, Lloyd wants to 
               do you a favour.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know that, Kramer.

               
                             LLOYD
               Well, if you don't want to...

               
                             KRAMER
               No, sure sure, he wants to. It's very 
               kind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he
 
               
               appreciates it. Don't you, Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes I do, Kramer.

               
                             LLOYD
               So...

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah?

               
                             LLOYD
               How about that Elaine today, huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, baby, what was that all about, huh?
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               (to Jerry) She was practically undressing 
               in front of me at the theatre.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't see anything.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, you uh, really missed a show, 
               buddy. Wooh, ba-boom,
 
               
               ba-boom-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba.

               
               They continue to chew on the gum. Lloyd seemingly happily, Jerry 
               clearly not
 
               
               liking it, and Kramer not liking it, but unwilling to show it 
               to Lloyd.
 
               
               (Park)

               
               George and Deena sit on a bench.

               
                             DEENA
               You're probably wondering why I wanted 
               to see you again.
 
               
               George clearly thinks he's clicked.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know. (grins, snorts) It's 
               understandable.
 
               
               He pats Deena on the knee.

               
                             DEENA
               I'm glad you feel that way. Because 
               since my father's breakdown I uh,
 
               
               
               become very sensitive to the warning signs.

               
                             GEORGE
               Warning signs?

               
                             DEENA
               Nervousness, irritability, paranoia.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (disbelief) What? (laugh) Wh... what're 
               you talking about? I'm not the
 
               
               one with the problem. (defensive) Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse, 
               not me.
 
               
                             DEENA
               Yet again, taking pleasure in the misfortunes 
               of others.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All my friends do that.

               
                             DEENA
               George, I'm only trying to help...
 
               
               
               George is staring past Deena at something a short distance away.
 
               
               
                             DEENA
               I'm... I'm concerned. George? George, 
               are you listening to me?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You see that woman on the horse? (points)
 
               
               
               Ruthie Cohen is passing by on horseback.

               
                             GEORGE
               She stole twenty dollars from me. (getting 
               angry) Yeah, I might've
 
               
               gotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered!

               
                             DEENA
               So again it all comes back to Lloyd.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (rising to his feet) Hey! Hey, you! 
               (setting off after her) Come back
 
               
               
               here!! Don't gallop away!!

               
               George runs away, yelling after the retreating Ruthie Cohen.
 
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry and George sit in a booth. There's a different cashier 
               on duty.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you say she was on a horse?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm telling you, that cashier is riding 
               horses on my money.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, here's what I propose. Go down 
               to the stables, snoop around. See if
 
               
               
               any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty dollar bills around 
               with big
 
               
               lips.

               
               Elaine enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, if it isn't Chesty La Rue.

               
                             ELAINE
               (sits beside Jerry) What?

               
                             JERRY
               I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun, 
               and he was bragging about the
 
               
               peepshow you gave him at the Alex.

               
                             ELAINE
               (laughing it away) Oh God. I lost a 
               button, so my blouse was wide open.
 
               
               
               I musta left it at the theatre.

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe it's in the lost and found.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I know. I have to go check it 
               out. It's a beautiful button too,
 
               
               
               you know. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, the way you were wolfing down 
               that popcorn, maybe you ate it.
 
               
                             
               Lobby)

               
               Kramer greets a small elderly gent.

               
                             KRAMER
               Mr Har-harwood. Well, what an unexpected 
               surprise to have you back at
 
               
               the Alex Theatre.

               
                             HAARWOOD
               Well I, I'm in a bit of a quandary. 
               I've misplaced my spectacles.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, let's look in lost and found, 
               shall we?
 
               
               Kramer ducks behind the counter to retrieve the lost and found 
               box.
 
               
                             HAARWOOD
               They're half-glasses.

               
               Kramer pops his head up, a thought having occurred.

               
                             KRAMER
               Brown?

               
                             HAARWOOD
               Mmm, yes, yes.

               
               Kramer places the cardboard box marked 'Lost and Found' on the 
               counter.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, yeah. Ah, well if they're not in 
               the box, I'm sure they'll turn up
 
               
               
               soon. Listen, could you keep an eye on the place? I wanna go 
               out and get some
 
               
               paraffin wax, and bring out the lustre of this vintage countertop.
 
               
               
                             HAARWOOD
               Certainly.

               
               Kramer leaves. Haarwood begins to rummage through the contents 
               of the box. After
 
               
               a few seconds, he finds something. He lifts it out for a closer 
               look. It's the
 
               
               button Elaine dropped earlier.

               
                             HAARWOOD
               Oh my goodness. What a spanking button.
 
               
               
                             
               Street Outside Alex)

               
               George starts his car. It's still making unhealthy noises.

               
               As he sits with the engine running, a car pulls up in the street 
               behind him. The
 
               
               driver sounds the horn at George as he sits in his parking spot.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (glances in mirror) Alright. Alright.
 
               
               
               The horn sounds again.

               
                             GEORGE
               (getting annoyed) Hang on, it's warming 
               up!
 
               
               The horn sounds several more times, impatiently. George has had 
               enough. He
 
               
               climbs out of his car.

               
                             GEORGE
               (angrily) Oh you mother...

               
               George stalks round his car and up to the driver's window of 
               the car sounding
 
               
               its horn.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! What is your problem?

               
               The driver rolls down the window, and we see Ruthie Cohen.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, hello, it's you! (angry) Listen 
               lady, I got six minutes left on that
 
               
               
               meter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty 
               dollars. (smug)
 
               
               Huh-hu-hur, you're not so tough when you're not on your horse, 
               are you Ruthie?
 
               
                             CASHIER
               Your car's on fire.

               
               The reflection of leaping flames can be seen in Ruthie's window. 
               George dashes
 
               
               off back to his car.

               
                             GEORGE
               Aah! Fire!

               
                             CASHIER
               (after George) Merry Christmas!

               
               Flames are coming from under the hood of the Le Baron.

               
                             GEORGE
               (shouting) Fire!!

               
               The florist is standing holding a broom. George rushes to him.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Your hose! Where's your hose?!

               
                             FLORIST
               Cop made me disconnect it.

               
               George grabs the broom from the florist, and begins beating at 
               the flames with
 
               
               no effect. After a few seconds, the broom is alight.

               
               (Street Outside Alex)

               
               The whole front of George's car is burnt out. The plastic body 
               parts have melted
 
               
               away. The hood is wide open, showing the devastation within. 
               George stands,
 
               
               holding the charred remnants of the broom. He's staring catatonically 
               at the
 
               
               damage. Kramer walks up and does a double-take at the sight.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jeez! What happened to your car, buddy?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               The Jon Voight car is no more.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wow. Well, don't you sweat it. You can 
               use my car any time you want to.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No kidding?

               
                             KRAMER
               No kidding.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, thanks. I owe you a big one.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, merry Christmas.

               
               Kramer walks on.

               
                             GEORGE
               (staring at the wreck) Whatever.

               
                             
               Lobby)

               
               Jerry is waiting. He's wearing the glasses from earlier.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'm here. Where's Braun?

               
                             KRAMER
               What, he's not here yet?

               
                             JERRY
               Look, I'll go downtown to Chinatown 
               with him, but that is it!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Listen, I'm gonna need those glasses.
 
               
               
               Kramer reaches across and plucks the glasses from Jerry's face.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               They're Geoffrey Haarwood's.

               
               Kramer rummages in lost and found, and brings out another pair 
               of spectacles.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (proffering) Here, try this pair.

               
               Jerry puts them on. The lenses are much stronger than the first 
               pair - they're
 
               
               like bottle-bottoms. He stares through them, his eyes magnified 
               hugely. It's
 
               
               obvious he can't see at all clearly.

               
                             JERRY
               Aw, these are really strong glasses.
 
               
               
               He takes a step and almost trips over the counter.

               
                             LLOYD
               Hey gum-buddy. Nice frames. You ready 
               to go?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (lacking enthusiasm) Yeah, yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               (clapping Jerry on the back) Oh yeah, 
               he's all ready to go.
 
               
                             LLOYD
               Anybody see Elaine today?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, she called a little earlier. 
               She's coming over to check out
 
               
               lost and found.

               
                             LLOYD
               Maybe I'll stick around and see what 
               she's wearing today. Or not wearing,
 
               
               
               if you know what I mean.

               
               They chuckle.

               
                             JERRY
               Absolutely. Let's just stick around.
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               Ah, tell you what, they're expecting 
               us though. Lemme just grab a hotdog
 
               
               
               here.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, yeah.

               
               Lloyd goes to the counter, and speaks to the attendant.

               
                             LLOYD
               I'd like a hotdog, please.

               
               The attendant looks to the machine, which contains one hotdog. 
               The appearance of
 
               
               the article is not pleasant. It's wrinkled, shriveled, and generally
 
               
               
               disgusting.

               
                             ATTENDANT
               Are you outta your mind?

               
               Hearing this, Kramer dashes over.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wh...wh...wh... what's the problem here?
 
               
               
                             ATTENDANT
               This hotdog's been here since the silent 
               era. You'd have to be insane
 
               
               to eat it.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no, no, no. This man is not 
               insane. Now there's nothing wrong
 
               
               
               with it or you.

               
                             LLOYD
               Kramer, maybe...

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no, no. I'll show you. (slams 
               a bill down on the counter) One
 
               
               hotdog please.

               
                             ATTENDANT
               (on your head be it) Okay.

               
                             KRAMER
               Mmm, doesn't that smell good, huh?
 
               
               
               The attendant hands over the hotdog.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, here we go, yeah. (he takes a 
               big bite) Mmm, oh. That's delicious.
 
               
               
               Mmm. It's a perfectly sane food to eat. (he takes another bite)
 
               
               
               As he chews, it begins to be apparent that all is not as it should 
               be with the
 
               
               hotdog.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uhm, interesting texture. It's chewy. 
               (he half-coughs, half-retches) I
 
               
               gotta get, some air.

               
               Kramer stumbles toward the exit, bits of half-chewed hotdog falling 
               from his
 
               
               mouth.

               
               (Street Outside Alex)

               
               Kramer walks stiffly along the sidewalk. He's breathing heavily, 
               and loosening
 
               
               his collar. He walks by the florist, who is brushing the sidewalk 
               again. As
 
               
               Kramer passes George's car, his struggle with the rancid hotdog 
               ends with the
 
               
               hotdog triumphant, and he leans into the gutter behind the Le 
               Baron and vomits
 
               
               copiously. The florist looks rueful, leans his broom against 
               his door, and
 
               
               fetches his hose, whilst Kramer continues his refunding.

               
                             
               Later)

               
               The florist is hosing away the traces of Kramer's visit. Elaine 
               walks up to him.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me. 'scuse me, weren't you told 
               to stop using that hose?
 
               
                             FLORIST
               How would you happen to know that?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, uhm... I...

               
                             FLORIST
               (accusing) You're that lady that was 
               talking to the cops, aren't you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh... I...

               
               A voice calls from across the street.

               
                             VOICE
               Hey, Joe!

               
               The florist turns to see who's shouting. As he does, he raises 
               the nozzle of his
 
               
               hose, so instead of hosing the sidewalk, he sprays Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, wait! You're soaking me, you're 
               soaking me!
 
               
               The florist notices what he's done and turns off the hose.

               
                             
               Lobby)

               
               Jerry sits beside Kramer, who still looks unwell. Lloyd stands 
               comforting
 
               
               Kramer. Elaine enters. She has removed her jacket, and is wearing 
               a wringing wet
 
               
               t-shirt.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey. Hey everybody.

               
                             LLOYD
               Whoah, Elaine! Once again, you've managed 
               to top yourself. C'mon Jerry,
 
               
               let's go. Car's out front.

               
               Lloyd leaves. Jerry stands and peers about himself through the 
               over-strength
 
               
               glasses. All he can make out are vague blurred shapes.

               
                             JERRY
               Lloyd?

               
               He moves across the lobby, slowly, holding his hands out to feel 
               for obstacles.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Lloyd?

               
               Jerry leaves.

               
                             ELAINE
               (exasperated) What is Lloyd's problem?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Look, honey, I know you're trying to 
               get Lloyd to notice you, but this
 
               
               
               is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uhh, I got sprayed with a hose.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex 
               is a family theatre, not one of your
 
               
               
               swing joints.

               
               Elaine casts her eyes heavenward.

               
               (Street Outside Alex)

               
               The remains of George's car are being towed away. On the opposite 
               side of the
 
               
               road, watching, are Deena and George.

               
                             DEENA
               So, you want my father to pay for this?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You saw him. He was fiddling with the 
               engine. God knows what he did
 
               
               there.

               
                             DEENA
               And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something 
               to do with it too.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, not Lloyd Braun. But the cashier.
 
               
               
                             DEENA
               What cashier?

               
                             GEORGE
               You remember the woman on the horse? 
               She wanted my spot.
 
               
                             DEENA
               To park her horse?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, she wasn't on the horse.

               
                             DEENA
               So, your car caught fire because of 
               my father and the woman on the horse?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That's right.

               
               Across the street, the florist is outside his store, arranging 
               flowers.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (points) And him!

               
                             DEENA
               The man with the flowers?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen, 
               I know this all sounds a little
 
               
               crazy, but...

               
               A car pulls up beside George and Deena. George looks in the window.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe it. Look, that's Jerry 
               Seinfeld.
 
               
                             DEENA
               Who?

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry Seinfeld. My best friend. He can 
               explain all of this. (calls to
 
               
               Jerry) Jerry.

               
               Jerry hears his name called and turns his head, but all he can 
               see are blurry
 
               
               colored shapes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry! Over here Jerry. It's me!

               
               The car pulls away, leaving George calling after it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, where y'going? It's... what're...
 
               
               
                             DEENA
               (doubtful) That was your best friend?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't wear glasses.
 
               
               
                             DEENA
               That man was wearing glasses.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know. Don't you see. (emphatic) He 
               was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun!
 
               
               
               (Lloyd Braun's Car)

               
               Jerry and Lloyd have reached Chinatown. Lloyd parks the car.
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               I'll run in and get the gum.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
                             LLOYD
               Got any money?

               
               Jerry digs his wallet out of his pocket. He opens it and extracts 
               a bill. He
 
               
               peers at it, trying to work out what denomination it is, but 
               the glasses are
 
               
               still too strong.

               
                             JERRY
               (handing it over) Here.

               
               Lloyd takes the bill, looks at it, smiles a little with surprise.
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               (climbing out of the car) I'll be back.
 
               
               
               (Street)

               
               George and Deena walk along together.

               
                             GEORGE
               Look, Deena, I know you think I'm crazy, 
               but I'm not. This is just a
 
               
               series of bad coincidences.

               
                             DEENA
               I don't know, George. I don't know what 
               to believe.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Believe me, I am not crazy.

               
                             DEENA
               Well, I guess it's possible.

               
               (Lloyd Braun's Car)

               
               Jerry sits waiting. Lloyd gets in. He has a stack of six boxes, 
               which he hands
 
               
               to Jerry.

               
                             LLOYD
               Here y'go.

               
                             JERRY
               (indistinct) Got all this?

               
                             LLOYD
               Yeah. A hundred dollar's worth.

               
                             JERRY
               (incredulous) I gave you a hundred dollars?!
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               You sure did. Am I crazy, or is that 
               a lotta gum?
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's a lotta gum!

               
               (The Institute)

               
               The room is festooned with props and costumes from old movies.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Mr Hararwood. Found your glasses.

               
                             HAARWOOD
               Oh, splendid. Welcome to the Institute 
               for the Preservation of Motion
 
               
               Picture Costumes and Wardrobe.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, the I.P.M.P.C.W.

               
                             HAARWOOD
               Well eh, we prefer to call it the Institute.
 
               
               
               Kramer notices a particular costume.

               
                             KRAMER
               Is that from Henry the Eighth?

               
                             HAARWOOD
               Yes, yes, it is.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know, we're screening that 
               tonight at the Alex. Do you think
 
               
               
               that I could wear that to promote the theatre?

               
                             HAARWOOD
               Well, I... I'd love to lend it to you, 
               but I doubt if it would fit a
 
               
               man of your impressive, Raymond Massey-like, physique. The only 
               person who could
 
               
               really fit into this costume, would have to be a short, stocky, 
               man of somewhat
 
               
               generous proportions.

               
                             KRAMER
               (an idea occurs) You don't say.

               
               (Street)

               
               Kramer and George walk together. George is wearing the Henry 
               VIII costume -
 
               
               doublet and hose, cloak, crown, etc.

               
                             KRAMER
               You're really helping me out with this, 
               buddy. Kids are gonna be so
 
               
               thrilled.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah. You really cashed in on 
               that favor pretty quick.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Remember, you're a king, you must project 
               a Royal bearing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (angry undertone) Oh, I'm gonna give 
               you a Royal bearing. Wait a minute,
 
               
               
               wait a minute. Lemme get a pack of gum here.

               
               He gets his wallet from under the cape, and goes to the window 
               of a kiosk.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (handing over a bill) Can I get a pack 
               of gum, please?
 
               
                             GUY
               I beg your pardon, your majesty, but 
               we don't accept bills with lipstick 
               on
 
               
               the president.

               
                             GEORGE
               What? Huh, so I had it all along. How 
               d'you like that? (snorts) I guess
 
               
               
               I owe that cashier an apology.

               
               Deena is walking toward George and Kramer. She sees George in 
               his costume and
 
               
               jumps to the obvious conclusion.

               
                             DEENA
               Oh my God!

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no. Deena, it's not what you think.
 
               
               
               Deena turns and begins to walk away.

               
                             GEORGE
               Th... this isn't mine.

               
               George begins to walk after Deena, who accelerates to a trot.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I got it from the Institute. The Institute.
 
               
               
               Deena breaks into a run, with George chasing her.

               
                             GEORGE
               (shouting) Dee... Deena!

               
                             
               Lobby)

               
               Kramer stands behind the counter, upon which Elaine leans. Mr 
               Haarwood enters.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ahh, Mr Haarwood. Well, you certainly 
               know how to dress for a premiere.
 
               
               
                             HAARWOOD
               Well, thank you. Uh, where is your friend 
               King Henry?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, he ran away.

               
               Lloyd enters.

               
                             LLOYD
               Hey Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               I need to talk to you.

               
               Lloyd and Kramer go away to the side of the lobby, where they 
               go into a quiet
 
               
               conversation. Elaine is peering over at Mr Haarwood, and in particular 
               at the
 
               
               button he's wearing on his cravat.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, that button looks very familiar.
 
               
               
                             HAARWOOD
               Yes, it, it, it's antique ivory.

               
                             ELAINE
               I, I think that's my button. (wanders 
               over to Haarwood) You know, I've
 
               
               been looking all over for it. Did, did you find it here?

               
                             HAARWOOD
               Yes, it was in the lost and found.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Shall I undo it?

               
                             HAARWOOD
               Oh yes, of course you can.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, thank you.

               
               Elaine moves very close to Mr Haarwood, and reaches under his 
               chin to remove the
 
               
               button.

               
                             HAARWOOD
               I'm a little ticklish.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. (giggly) Tickle, tickle.

               
               Kramer and Lloyd are both staring over at the sight of Elaine 
               tickling Mr
 
               
               Haarwood under the chin, giggling, apparently flirting.

               
                             LLOYD
               We've really gotta get the Elaine a 
               boyfriend.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, tell me about it.

               
               
               
                            THE END



The Gum



Writers :   Tom Gammill  Max Pross
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy