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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE GYMNAST



                             Written by

                      Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               I've never been able to figure out why 
               they make these bizarre toilet seats 
               that they have. You know, like those 
               clear Lucite ones, with all the, the 
               coins in it? It's a lovely tribute to 
               our past president, by the way. It's 
               not bad enough Lincoln got shot in the 
               head, we gotta pull down our pants and 
               sit on him, too. It's just incomprehensible 
               that you would buy a thing like this, 
               you install it on your toilet seat, 
               and this says what about you? "Well, 
               I can't afford to just throw money down 
               the toilet, but look how close I am!"
 
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               I cannot believe Lindsay's still seeing 
               you after that "Breakfast at Tiffany's" 
               thing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I think she finds my stupidity charming.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               As we all do.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, anyway, she's uh, having some 
               kind of a family lunch, I'll swing by 
               after.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, so you're gonna meet the mother?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I'll zip in, "How do you do?", 
               zip out. She'll love me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're good with the mothers.

               
                             GEORGE
               Y'know, I'm better with the mothers 
               than I am with the daughters.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe you should date the mothers.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, if I could talk to the mothers 
               and have sex with the daughters, then 
               I'd really have something goin'.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you got something goin'.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               (enters apartment) Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! (heads toward bathroom)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, you got a hammer?

               
                             JERRY
               What do you need a hammer for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I got this new poster. 3-D art? 
               Computers generate 'em.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah! I wanna see that. Bring it 
               over.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, I don't have it now. I gotta 
               pick it up at Mr. Pitt's. Elaine was 
               framing a bunch of stuff for him, so 
               she did me a favor. What, you wanna 
               take a ride?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nah, I don't think so.

               
                             KRAMER
               (shouting to the bathroom door) George, 
               you wanna go for a ride?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (inside bathroom) Nah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, COME ON!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, could you wait until the man finishes?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, I've had it with you two. 
               (opens apartment door to leave)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, guess what? Remember that woman 
               you saw me with the other day? You know, 
               she used to be an Olympic gymnast?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               A gymnast!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, she's Romanian, she won a silver 
               at the '84 Olympics.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               A gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility. 
               Mmm, that sex'll melt your face.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing.

               
                             KRAMER
               (shuts door) "Bailing"?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you know, Kramer, there's always 
               a price to pay for just a sexual dalliance.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, you should pay that price.

               
                             JERRY
               She's Romanian. What am I gonna talk 
               to her about, Ceausescu?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ch- oo-... what?

               
                             GEORGE
               (emerging from bathroom, buttoning his 
               shirt) A gymnast! I can't believe it, 
               you didn't tell me she was a gymnast.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (watching George buttoning his shirt) 
               What is this?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What, I'm puttin' my shirt back on.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (stares at George, incredulous) "Back 
               on"? What was it doing off?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I take it off when I go to the, uh, 
               y'know, to the "office".
 
               
                             JERRY
               (laughing) What for?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it frees me up. No encumbrances.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Unbuttoned, or all the way off?

               
                             GEORGE
               ALL the way, baby!

               
                             JERRY
               Of course.

               
                             KRAMER
               (convulses in pain) Yeow! Whoa.

               
                             JERRY
               What, again? Kramer, if you keep getting 
               these attacks, you should see the doctor 
               and have it checked out.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (exiting apartment) Yeah, yeah, yeah...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (picks up newspaper, turns to George) 
               You always take the shirt off?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Always.

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, I tell ya', knowing you is like 
               going out in the jungle. I never know 
               what I'm going to find next, and I'm 
               real scared.
 
               
               
               
               (Mr. Pitt's office)

               
                             MR. PITT
               Elaine, I need you to proofread this 
               report for my meeting with the Poland 
               Creek Bottled Water people.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What meeting?

               
                             MR. PITT
               I told you. I sit on the Board of Trustees 
               for Morgan Springs, and we're trying 
               to acquire Poland Creek.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! (tries to take paper)

               
                             MR. PITT
               (pulls away) Are you using a fountain 
               pen?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes?

               
                             MR. PITT
               They smear! Under no circumstances is 
               ink to be used in this office.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               All right! I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt.
 
               
               
               (knock at door)

               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               Come in, come in!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. (enters, points at package) Yah, 
               huh?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, right there, yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               (rips open package) Yeah, that's...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, it's...

               
                             KRAMER
               (holds up framed picture): There she 
               blows! (throws paper around)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, Kramer, can you do this at home? 
               I've got, I've got work to do, okay?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, these are nice corners, huh?

               
                             MR. PITT
               Elaine, did I hear... (sees Kramer) 
               Oh, this is very odd.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (looking at picture) Yeah, it's 3-D 
               art. Computers generate 'em. BIG computers.
 
               
               
                             MR. PITT
               Yes, I've heard about these. How do 
               they work?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you blur your eyes like you're 
               starin' straight through the picture. 
               And you keep your eyes unfocused. And 
               then... (Kramer and Pitt stare at picture) 
               Oh, oh, oh, YEAH!
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               I don't see it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, it's a spaceship, surrounded by 
               planets, asteroids...
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               I still don't see it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, Kramer, that's enough. Mr. Pitt 
               has got work to do.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ya' ever dream in 3-D? It's like the 
               boogeyman is comin' right at you.
 
               
               
                             MR. PITT
               A spaceship, where?

               
                             KRAMER
               (pointing) Right in here. Just keep 
               your eyes unfocused. (convulses in pain) 
               Waahh! Oh, mama!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, what's wrong?

               
                             KRAMER
               Mama!

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, Kramer, are you okay?

               
                             KRAMER
               I think I gotta go to the doctor! (exits) 
               Oh, mama!
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               (still staring at picture) How long 
               does it usually take?
 
               
               
               
               (Lindsay's mother's apartment)

               
               (Lindsay's relatives are laughing, and George has apparently 
               been witty and charming)
 
               
                             MRS. ENRIGHT
               Oh, George, it is so nice to finally 
               meet you. And I'm sorry we've kept Lindsay 
               so long.
 
               
                             LINDSAY
               Mother...

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no, no, not at all. No, I have always 
               felt that the most important thing in 
               the world is spending time with family.
 
               
               
                             MRS. ENRIGHT
               Oh? Are you and your family close?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (hesitates) Very close, yes. Almost 
               painfully close.
 
               
                             LINDSAY
               Mother, I'm going to walk Nana and Aunt 
               Phyllis to the elevator. George, do 
               you mind waiting just one more minute?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Mind? Why would I mind? I would love 
               to wait! (shakes hands with Nana) Nana, 
               nice to see you. Ni-ni-ni-ni-NANA! (embraces 
               another guest, kisses her) Aunt Phyllis, 
               always a pleasure. What a pleasure! 
               Hey, let's do this again real soon. 
               I had fun, huh?
 
               
                             MRS. ENRIGHT
               Can I offer you anything to eat?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no no no, I'm fine. Let me help 
               you with these dishes, huh?
 
               
                             MRS. ENRIGHT
               Oh no, George, you don't have to...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I know I don't have to, I want to.
 
               
               
                             MRS. ENRIGHT
               George, you are such a gentleman.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright. 
               (exits) Here we go, all right.
 
               
               
               
               (Kitchen)

               
               (George opens trash bin, sees an éclair at the top with one bite 
               taken out of it. After looking around to make sure no one is 
               watching, he picks up the éclair and takes a bite just as Mrs. 
               Enright enters the kitchen.)
 
               
                             MRS. ENRIGHT
               (wide-eyed) Oh...

               
                             GEORGE
               (spits out mouthful of food): Mrs. Enright! 
               Mrs. Enright!
 
               
               
               
               (Mr. Pitt's office)

               
                             ELAINE
               (pointing at 3-D picture) Look, there's 
               a spaceship! That is so cool!
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               Where is it?

               
                             ELAINE
               (pointing) Right here.

               
                             MR. PITT
               I'm looking there!

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, unfocus.

               
                             MR. PITT
               I am unfocused!

               
               (phone rings)

               
                             ELAINE
               (answering phone) Hello? Oh, yeah, okay 
               fine. Uh, he'll be right down. (to Pitt) 
               Car's here to pick you up and take you 
               to the meeting.
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               (still staring at picture) Meeting?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, the Poland Creek merger?

               
                             MR. PITT
               Why don't you go for me?

               
                             ELAINE
               How can I go?

               
                             MR. PITT
               Oh, all they're gonna do is read the 
               report.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Pitt, I do not think that is such 
               a good idea.
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               Oh, DAMN this thing!

               
               
               
               (Jerry's car)

               
                             JERRY
               (trying desperately to make conversation) 
               So, Ceausescu. He must've been some 
               dictator.
 
               
                             KATYA
               Oh yes. He was not shy about dictating.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He, uh, he must've been dictating first 
               thing in the morning. "I want a cup 
               of coffee and a muffin!"
 
               
                             KATYA
               And you could not refuse.

               
                             JERRY
               No, you'd have to be crazy.

               
                             KATYA
               He was a very bad dictator.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes. Very bad. Very, very bad.

               
               
               
               (Monk's Diner)

               
                             JERRY
               So lemme get this straight: you find 
               yourself in the kitchen. You see an 
               éclair, in the receptacle. And you think 
               to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just 
               eat some trash."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no. No, no, no. It was not trash!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Was it in the trash?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               Then it was trash.

               
                             GEORGE
               It wasn't down in, it was sort of on 
               top.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But it was in the cylinder!

               
                             GEORGE
               Above the rim.

               
                             JERRY
               Adjacent to refuse, is refuse.

               
                             GEORGE
               It was on a magazine! And it still had 
               the doily on.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Was it eaten?

               
                             GEORGE
               One little bite.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, that's garbage.

               
                             GEORGE
               But I know who took the bite. It was 
               her aunt!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you, my friend, have crossed the 
               line that divides Man and Bum. You are 
               now a Bum.
 
               
               (Kramer enters, walking awkwardly)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               What's with you?

               
                             KRAMER
               I got a stone.

               
                             JERRY
               What stone?

               
                             KRAMER
               A kidney stone.

               
                             JERRY
               What is that, anyway?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's a, it's a stony mineral concretion, 
               formed abnormally in the kidney. And 
               this jagged shard of calcium pushes 
               its way through the ureter into the 
               bladder. It's forced out through the 
               urine!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, that's gotta hurt.

               
               
               
               (Poland Creek office)

               
                             ARONSON
               Our shareholders have given basic approval 
               for the merger, including the stock 
               swap.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah. The "stock swap". Let's swap some 
               stock. (giggles)
 
               
                             BECK
               And if you'll just give this to Mr. 
               Pitt, and tell him we expect to be in 
               full-scale production by the spring.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               All right. (standing up) Hey, you guys--what's 
               the name of the new company gonna be?
 
               
               
                             BECK
               Moland Spring.

               
                             ELAINE
               (making a face) "Moland"?

               
                             ARONSON
               Yes, we combined Morgan and Poland.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I know, but... "Moland"? I wouldn't 
               drink anything called "Moland".
 
               
                             ARONSON
               But it was Mr. Pitt's idea.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! Well, ah, what's in a name? I mean, 
               water's water. Right?
 
               
                             ARONSON
               (to Beck) We've got to do something 
               about that name.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside 
               him) No, Lindsay, it was not IN the 
               garbage. It was above the garbage. Hovering. 
               Like an angel. Of course I know your 
               aunt bit it. I kissed her goodbye. Listen, 
               can I tell you something else? In my 
               family, we used to eat out of the garbage 
               all the time. (Jerry makes a face) It 
               was no big thing. That's right. Oh, 
               okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up phone) I'm 
               back in, she gave me a second chance.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Good for you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, good for me!

               
                             JERRY
               Y'know what you should do now? Get her 
               some flowers, smooth it out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, flowers. I will get her flowers, 
               I will go to the florist!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (enters apartment, holding up videotape) 
               Behold! The Games of the '84 Olympiad! 
               Katya's silver medal performance! (inserts 
               tape into VCR, sets up TV)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, are you still on this? I've 
               seen gymnasts. I know what they do. 
               It's not going to make any difference.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, what is your problem?

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, y'know, guys like you, with 
               no conscience, don't know what it's 
               like for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate 
               position of having to consider people's 
               feelings.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, Jerry--are you familiar with 
               the Kama Sutra?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Tantric yoga?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, you stand on the threshold to 
               the magical world of sensual delights 
               that most men dare not dream of!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, you can really talk some trash. 
               (to George) I guess that's better than 
               eating it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, all right, why don't we just 
               watch the tape? (starts playback)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you pass your stone yet?

               
                             KRAMER
               Not yet. But the suspense is killing 
               me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (pointing at TV) Hey, that's her!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's her. (feminine 
               grunts and sighs can be heard as they 
               watch the tape) Look at the height, 
               Jerry, the extension! Now watch the 
               tuck. Handstand, half-turn, giant into 
               a straddle, back into another handstand. 
               Nice kip. Reverse hecht. Oh, nice leg 
               extension, good form! Now, here comes 
               the big dismount. Look at the rotation, 
               full in, double back, and she sticks 
               the landing! (gets up to leave as George 
               and Jerry continue to watch, mouths 
               agape) Perhaps you'd like to keep the 
               tape? (silence) Well, I'll take that 
               as a yes.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's car, night)

               
                             JERRY
               (smiling and excited) Well, here we 
               are.
 
               
                             KATYA
               Yes. We are here.

               
                             JERRY
               How did you stay on that beam like that? 
               (holds up hand) I mean, it's only this 
               wide!
 
               
                             KATYA
               I can balance myself in any position.
 
               
               
               (Jerry swallows)

               
                             KATYA
               It is amazing after years of training 
               how one can contort one's body. Of course, 
               it is only useful in gymnastics.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh boy...

               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment, morning)

               
                             JERRY
               I couldn't believe it. Uh, I mean I 
               thought I was entering a "magical world" 
               of sensual delights, but it was just 
               so ordinary. I mean, there was nothing 
               gymnastic about it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, what did you think she was gonna 
               do?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you know. I mean... I dunno.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, what?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, obviously I prefer not to mention 
               any, you know...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What did you think, she was going to 
               take some of that chalk and...
 
               
                             JERRY
               You see, now I really don't want to 
               get into this, any kind of specifics...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, come on. One thing? One thing! What?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well... Frankly, I thought, you know, 
               I was gonna kinda' be like the apparatus.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You mean like the uneven parallel bars?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               See, again, I really don't feel that...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The balance beam?

               
                             JERRY
               Could we stop?

               
                             ELAINE
               (gasps in mock surprise) Not the pommel 
               horse?
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right. Let's just drop it.

               
               (Jerry and Elaine move to couch)

               
                             JERRY
               So lemme ask you this: how long would 
               you say I have to put in now because 
               of, you know, last night.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I dunno, at least three weeks.

               
                             JERRY
               (sarcastic) Oh, great.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, that is such small potatoes. 
               I think that I may have single-handedly 
               put the kibosh on the big water merger.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Between Poland and Morgan?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Started a big name controversy.
 
               
               
               (Kramer shouts from off-screen)

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer! The stone!

               
               (Jerry and Elaine rush to Kramer's apartment, stand in doorway)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What happened, did you pass the stone?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Off-screen) No, I tried to do a reverse 
               hecht off my couch and I didn't make 
               it.
 
               
               
               
               (City street)

               
                             GEORGE
               (singing as he exits florist with bouquet 
               and a cup of coffee) "...tootsie, good-bye. 
               Too-too, tootsie..." (takes a drink, 
               makes a face, shouts back at shop) You 
               call this coffee? (dumps out coffee 
               behind him, accidentally hitting a parked 
               car's windshield)
 
               
                             MAN IN CAR
               Hey! What the hell was that?!

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry! I- I-
 
               
               
                             MAN IN CAR
               Clean that up!

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, sure. Of course. (looks for place 
               to set down flowers) Um, uh, could you 
               hold these? For just a second, just 
               a second. (grabs newspapers from trash 
               bin, begins wiping windshield) Here 
               you go, now don't worry about a thing. 
               It's gonna be fine. Here we go. Look 
               at this shine.
 
               
                             MRS. ENRIGHT
               (sees George cleaning car windshield, 
               looks appalled)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Look at this sparkle. (looks up, sees 
               Lindsay's mother) Mrs. Enright! (runs 
               after her) Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!
 
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside 
               him) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally 
               spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield. 
               Why would I do that? I have a job! Well, 
               did she see a squeegee? Well, you're 
               not going to make a dime without a squeegee. 
               That's right, that's right, just tell 
               your mother it was all a big misunderstanding. 
               You won't regret it. Okay, I'll see 
               you later. Buh-bye. (hangs up)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Strike two!

               
                             GEORGE
               You think I'm going down?

               
                             JERRY
               You're behind in the count.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know.

               
                             KRAMER
               (enters apartment, points at Jerry) 
               Hey, what are you doing later?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm going out with Katya, thanks to 
               you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, maybe you should try again. You 
               know what happens the first time: people 
               are a little shy, a little reticent.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               If I do it again, that extends my payment 
               book another two weeks.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, where you going?

               
                             JERRY
               We're going to the circus. One of her 
               old Olympic teammates is an acrobat. 
               I don't even feel like going out.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, Jerry, it's your obligation. C'mon.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well, y'know what? If I gotta 
               go, and spend time with this girl, then 
               you're coming with me, Dr. Cyclops!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no, I don't wanna go to the 
               circus, Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well you're going.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but I'm afraid of clowns!

               
               
               
               (Mr. Pitt's office)

               
                             MR. PITT
               (in polo outfit, complete with jacket 
               and high boots) I didn't send you over 
               there to complain about the name.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I couldn't help it. "Moland Spring"?
 
               
               
                             MR. PITT
               I like the name "Moland". I picked it 
               out. After all those months of negotiating!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I'm so sorry! I-

               
                             MR. PITT
               Well, I'm going riding. I haven't been 
               on Jenny for three days, all because 
               of this blasted painting. (phone rings) 
               Elaine?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, sorry. (picks up phone) Hello?
 
               
               
                             MR. PITT
               (walks by 3-D poster, stops) Wait a 
               minute! Wait a minute. Ah!
 
               
               
               
               (Circus, backstage)

               
               (Clowns rush by Jerry and Kramer, Kramer flinches in fear)

               
                             KATYA
               So, Jerry, you're enjoying the circus?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               "Greatest Show on Earth"!

               
                             KATYA
               My father used to take me to the circus. 
               When the elephants came by, he would 
               scream curses at them, blaming them 
               for all the ills of society.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, they certainly take up a lot of 
               space.
 
               
               (Katya's friend walks up)

               
                             KATYA
               Ah, Misha!

               
                             MISHA
               Katya!

               
                             KATYA
               Misha, this is Jerry.

               
                             MISHA
               Ah, yes. The "co-me-dian", eh? (speaks 
               in Romanian to Katya)
 
               
                             KATYA
               (laughs, replies in Romanian while pointing 
               at Jerry)
 
               
               
               
               (Mr. Pitt's office)

               
                             ELAINE
               (on phone) Oh, yes, yes I'll tell him. 
               Yes, thank you. Um, um hold on. (to 
               Pitt) Mr. Pitt!
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               (staring at 3-D poster) I think I'm 
               on to something!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Pitt! The board of directors is 
               on the phone. They've called an emergency 
               meeting. They want you to be there to 
               discuss the merger!
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               You said keep your eyes out of focus, 
               which is misleading. You want DEEP focus!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (on phone) Yes, hi. Okay, fine, yeah, 
               hold on just a second. Lemme just... 
               (reaches into purse) Yeah, I've got 
               it... (pulls out both hands completely 
               covered in black ink) Oh! Oh! Yeah, 
               yeah, he'll be there. (drops phone, 
               rushes to Pitt) Mr. Pitt, you have GOT 
               to stop staring at that poster!
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               I see something that could be a spaceship. 
               Is it round? Is it pointy?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (grabs poster, smashes it) No, you don't 
               see it, and you're never going to see 
               it! (grabs Pitt by the lapels, getting 
               ink all over his jacket) Mr. Pitt, you 
               have to meet with the shareholders, 
               you have to leave now. Do you hear me? 
               Do you hear me?!
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               Hmm, what's happened to me? (straightens 
               lapels) When's the meeting?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               In about twenty minutes.

               
                             MR. PITT
               Oh! (puts finger to face, smearing ink 
               on his upper lip which now resembles 
               an "Adolph Hitler"-style moustache) 
               Do I have time to change?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Um, no.

               
                             MR. PITT
               Well, excuse me, I'd better get straight 
               over there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, Mr. Pitt...

               
                             MR. PITT
               Yes?

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, there's a just... (points at her 
               own upper lip)
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               (sees Elaine's hands covered in ink) 
               Is that ink?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No?

               
               (Pitt exits)

               
               
               
               (George's car)

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, here we are.

               
                             LINDSAY
               Do you want to come in? My mother's 
               having a little party.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I could just use the bathroom.
 
               
               
                             LINDSAY
               Sure.

               
               
               
               (Circus, back stage)

               
                             ANNOUNCER
               (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, could 
               I direct your attention to the center 
               ring, where the incomparable Misha will 
               balance ten stories above the circus 
               floor on a wire no wider than a human 
               thumb.
 
               
                             MISHA
               It is time.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, break a leg.

               
               (Misha gives Jerry a dark look)

               
                             JERRY
               Eh, show biz...

               
                             ANNOUNCER
               Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable 
               Misha!
 
               
               (Misha exits)

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, those capes are really coming back.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Lindsay's mother's apartment)

               
                             PARTY GUEST
               (exits bathroom, finds George waiting) 
               Oh, sorry I took so long. They've got 
               one of those 3-D art posters in there. 
               (wipes eyes) It's mesmerizing.
 
               
               (George enters bathroom)

               
               
               
               (Circus)

               
               (Kramer repeatedly convulses in pain, spilling popcorn and food 
               everywhere, enters Men's room)
 
               
               (Misha walks slowly across tightrope)

               
               (Long scream bellows forth from Men's room, causing other occupant 
               to flee and Misha to wobble)
 
               
               
               
               (Circus, back stage)

               
                             JERRY
               What is that sound?

               
                             KATYA
               (covering ears) It is horrible!

               
               (Shots of various circus performers reacting to the reverberating 
               scream. Misha falls off the tightrope as audience gasps in horror)
 
               
               
               
               
               (Lindsay's mother's apartment)

               
               (George emerges from bathroom, shirtless and rubbing eyes)

               
                             GEORGE
               Whew! Anybody see that poster in there? 
               That is weird, wild stuff, huh? Whew!
 
               
               
               (George looks around and sees all the party guests staring at 
               him, then realizes he's shirtless. Tries to act casual)
 
               
               
               
               (Morgan Springs shareholder meeting)

               
               (Mr. Pitt stands at a podium, and still has the small black "ink 
               moustache". He speaks harshly and with conviction, gesturing 
               emphatically.)
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               I have been accused of wrong-doing. 
               But these false accusations will not 
               deter us. We WILL annex Poland by the 
               Spring, at any cost! AND... our stock 
               will rise HIGH! (raises hand)
 
               
               
               
               (Circus, back stage)

               
                             KATYA
               He'll be all right. I must go and be 
               with Misha now. I don't want you to 
               come with me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, why not?

               
                             KATYA
               It has been three days since our night 
               together. Misha said that was all the 
               time I needed to put in.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             KATYA
               In my country, they speak of a man so 
               virile, so potent, that to spend a night 
               with such a man is to enter a world 
               of such sensual delights most women 
               dare not dream of. This man is known 
               as the "Comedian". You may tell jokes, 
               Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian. 
               (walks off)
 
               
               
               
               (Circus, Men's room)

               
               (Kramer walks out, jubilant and whistling)

               
               
               
               
                               THE END




The Gymnast



Writers :   Alec Berg  Jeff Schaffer
Genres :   Comedy


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