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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE HAMPTONS



                             Written by

                    Peter Mehlman & Carol Leifer




 
               
               
               (Comedy club) 

               
               Look at the work people do to get to the ocean.

               
               They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the 
               hot sand.
 
               
               Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the 
               ocean doesn't
 
               
               even want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is the 
               ocean
 
               
               throwing us out of itself, you see? We keep trying to paddle 
               in, the
 
               
               ocean's saying, "No you don't." The ocean is like a nightclub 
               and the
 
               
               waves are bouncers tossin' us out. The undertow's like a really 
               mean
 
               
               bouncer. Instead of throwin' you out, they take you in back and 
               rough you
 
               
               up a little bit. "Oh, you wanna come in? How 'bout comin' in 
               like 25
 
               
               miles?"

               
               
               
               
               back seat.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, get off at the next exit.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, I've driven to the Hamptons 
               many times, I know the exit.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It's a great house, pool's something? 
               Yeah, I'll be there.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               (To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the 
               right move?
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               We gotta see the new baby anyway, at 
               least we'll get a weekend in
 
               
               the Hamptons out of it.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Didn't they just have a baby?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, 
               you gotta see the
 
               
               Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is it possible they're just having babies 
               to get people to visit
 
               
               them?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Put that on the top of your list.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, not for me. A little too delightful. 
               Well, George and Jane
 
               
               should be almost there by now.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, isn't that weird that George and 
               Jane haven't had sex yet, but
 
               
               they're spending the weekend together?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know, George is pretty pleased about 
               it. It's like she signed a
 
               
               letter of intent.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               When's Rachel comin' out?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               She's makin' the three o'clock train.
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Her father is so religious, I'm just 
               amazed that he's letting you
 
               
               see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I bought him some kishka.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What's that?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli 
               soldiers carry it. In
 
               
               case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it 
               kills them.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't 
               love.
 
               
               
               
                             JANE
               Me too. I love cough medicine.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You see? We were made for each other. 
               (Thinking to himself) It's
 
               
               amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd 
               scream and
 
               
               throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch 
               it all I
 
               
               want.

               
               
               
                             JANE
               What's your favorite?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Potussan. Ever try it with club soda?
 
               
               
               
               
                             JANE
               No.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, very refreshing. (Thinking again) 
               Sex is like joining a
 
               
               private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the 
               no
 
               
               trespassing sign will be gone.

               
               
               
                             JANE
               Are we almost there?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But 
               I have to stop at a
 
               
               vegetable stand.

               
               
               
                             JANE
               What for?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               My mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's 
               nuts for Hampton tomatoes.
 
               
               
               
                             JANE
               Can you buy 'em later? I really wanna 
               get some... sun.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, I'll rub some on yours.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No.
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Jane) You know, when I was a kid, 
               I once found a dollar and
 
               
               fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool.

               
               
               
                             JANE
               (No feeling in her voice) You must've 
               been excited.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get 
               these tomatoes. You wanna go
 
               
               for a ride?

               
               
               
                             JANE
               I don't think so.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody 
               want some tomatoes?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No thanks.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No. (George leaves for the tomatoes)
 
               
               
               
               
                             JANE
               I'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for 
               beach, Elaine enters
 
               
               with a shady hat on)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               And then there's Mog. (She sits down 
               next to Jerry)
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Look at my face, look at it. You see 
               any lines?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No lines.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You know why? One word: shade.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So when're we gonna see this baby? When 
               is the momentous event?
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. They're takin' a nap or 
               something.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm gonna go see if there are any girls 
               on the beach. Elaine, you
 
               
               wanna come?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty 
               of girlfriends.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Jane's topless. (They all look)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yo yo ma.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Nice rack. (Carol and Michael inside 
               open back door)
 
               
               
               
                             CAROL
               Come on, you guys. You can come on and 
               see the bay-bee!
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, in a minute, Carol.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               We're gonna be right there.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               This is weird wild stuff. George hasn't 
               even seen her yet.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why do you think we're getting the sneak 
               preview?
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Maybe she's trying to create a buzz.
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, get some good word of mouth 
               goin'.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, here she comes. (They pretend to 
               not have watched as Jane
 
               
               enters)

               
               
               
                             JANE
               I'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No thanks.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm good.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Deh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right, 
               show's over. I'm goin'
 
               
               to the beach.

               
               
               
               
               not far behind.

               
               
               
                             CAROL
               Adam (the baby's name), Jerry and Elaine 
               are here.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, he's a cute little shnugly baby.
 
               
               
               
               
                             CAROL
               Isn't he gorgeous? (Elaine looks at 
               baby, only to be frightened
 
               
               and turn away)

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ugghh.

               
               
               
                             CAROL
               Is she gorgeous? (Elaine + Jerry looking 
               away)
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, gorgeous, yes.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So very gorgeous.

               
               
               
                             CAROL
               Michael, shut the door! You're letting 
               bugs in.
 
               
               
               
               
               then seeing a rope leading to something he doesn't know of yet.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               room.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is it me or was that the ugliest baby 
               you have ever seen?
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, I couldn't look. It was like the 
               Pekinese.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, a little too much chlorine in that 
               gene pool. (They sit)
 
               
               And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's 
               ever gonna
 
               
               tell them.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you have to lie.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's a must lie situation.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, it's a must lie situation.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know, I don't think we should tell 
               George we saw Jane topless.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I don't think so.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know, we might want to tell Kramer.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             BEN
               Oh this ointment should do it.

               
               
               
                             CAROL
               How are you feeling, Adam? (She sees 
               Elaine in the hall) Elaine!
 
               
               (Elaine enters) This is our pediatrician, Ben Feffa.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
               
               
                             CAROL
               Look at him, Elaine. How gorgeous is 
               he? I ask you, how gorgeous?
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous.

               
               
               
                             BEN
               Elaine, you have children?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Me? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby, 
               I mean, I can't wait to
 
               
               have a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby.

               
               
               
                             BEN
               A beautiful woman like you should. You're 
               quite
 
               
               breathtaking.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Breathtaking? I'm breathtaking?

               
               
               
                             CAROL
               And he's very particular. Ben, you're 
               staying tonight, right?
 
               
               
               
                             BEN
               Sure. (Elaine celebrates to herself 
               as Jerry enters and
 
               
               quickly looks away from the baby)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the 
               station.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, see ya.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Okay. (He leaves)

               
               
               
                             CAROL
               Oh, just look at him!

               
               
               
                             BEN
               Yeah, he really is breathtaking. (Elaine 
               confused by his
 
               
               comment)

               
               
               
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Train was so crowded. I had to sit in 
               the seat facing the wrong
 
               
               way.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh I like that. It's like going back 
               in time. (George comes
 
               
               outside)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey Rachel!

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               (Quickly gets out of seat) Hi. I'm gonna 
               go in there to change.
 
               
               (She leaves)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What kind of a greeting was that?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               She's got greeting problems.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, 
               you can eat 'em like
 
               
               apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never took on as a hand 
               fruit.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful 
               with the ketchup
 
               
               and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters 
               with a box of
 
               
               lobster)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, hey, hey! Look at what I got!
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into 
               the kitchen inside)
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You got lobster for everybody?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, and they're fresh! Right out of 
               the ocean.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               This is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. 
               Swimming, lobster for
 
               
               dinner...

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless. 
               (Jerry shows that
 
               
               'damn' expression behind George)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You saw who, what?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all 
               saw her.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless) 
               All right.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You saw Jane topless?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, when you went for the tomatoes 
               she lied out topless.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh you mean face down on her chest.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Face up on her back?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well why'd she do that?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I guess she was hot.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You mean she just laid there topless?
 
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, she got up, walked around...
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Walked around? And you looked?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Of course. She's got a great body, buddy. 
               All right, I'm gonna go
 
               
               upstairs, I'll be right back.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe it, you saw her before 
               me.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Think of me as a doctor. (They go outside 
               again)
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, how good a look did you get?
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well what'd you mean?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, if she was a criminal and you 
               had to describe her to a police
 
               
               sketch artist...

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Great, great. So anytime you want you 
               can just visualize her
 
               
               naked.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I guess that's true...

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Stop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's 
               not fair. I don't like
 
               
               this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What do you want me to do? You wanna 
               see Rachel naked?
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, yes! The punishment should fit 
               the crime.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You can see me naked. I can offer you 
               that.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn 
               around for a sip of Tang and
 
               
               you jump out first.

               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Nobody ever called me breathtaking before.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I've never been called breathtaking 
               either.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I mean, if he thinks that that baby's 
               breathtaking, then who's not
 
               
               breathtaking?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe he just said it because the mother 
               was in the room.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, right, that's a possibility. I 
               have to find out.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               How are you gonna do that?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I can be very clever.

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               I'm gonna take a swim.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She 
               goes in the hall and sees
 
               
               George) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, okay. (Starts to walk other way 
               and then walks to their room
 
               
               and goes in)

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Hey!

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, sorry.

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Don't you knock?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna 
               see something I've never
 
               
               seen before.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You might have.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You won't.

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               What'd you want anyway, George?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself. 
               What is it what you
 
               
               want?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I was just wondering... if you guys, 
               uh, had any gum.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! So you were swimming in the pool, 
               and you wanted some gum.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, because the water was cold... and 
               the chewing warms me up.
 
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               We don't have any gum.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues 
               to chew as he exits)
 
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Strange man.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wait'll you get to know him.

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               So where is this baby, anyway?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've 
               never seen anything quite so
 
               
               objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel 
               walks
 
               
               down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)
 
               
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               (She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, 
               I thought this was the baby's
 
               
               room. I'm really sorry. (She exits)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I was in the pool! I was in the pool!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Did she do it on purpose?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               It was my fault, I told her the wrong 
               door.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I was supposed to see her. She wasn't 
               supposed to see me.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So what?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               But...

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well I just got back from swimming in 
               the pool. And the water was
 
               
               cold...

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh... You mean... shrinkage.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. Significant shrinkage!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So you feel you were short changed.
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me 
               she's under a complete
 
               
               misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, so what's the difference?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What if she discusses it with Jane?
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How do you know?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Women aren't like us.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They're worse! They're much worse than 
               us, they talk about
 
               
               everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage 
               factor?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, I'm not gonna tell her about your 
               shrinkage. Besides, I think
 
               
               women know about shrinkage.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How do women know about shrinkage? (They 
               see Elaine walking down
 
               
               the hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage?
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What do you mean, like laundry?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It shrinks?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Like a frightened turtle!

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why does it shrink?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It just does.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know how you guys walk around 
               with those things.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             MICHAEL
               Thanks for the lobster, Kramer.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Rachel, aren't you gonna have any?
 
               
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Oh, no, I can't. I'm kosher, we don't 
               eat shellfish.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You mean you've never tasted lobster?
 
               
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               No.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Wow. You're so pious. I really respect 
               that. You know when you
 
               
               die, you're gonna get some special attention.

               
               
               
                             CAROL
               Oh, the baby's crying. I'll go get him. 
               He can sit with us.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE + JERRY
               No!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, you don't wanna do that. You'll 
               be uncomfortable.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, finish eating. The baby's not 
               gonna have any fun over here.
 
               
               We're not fun for a baby.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, the lobster'll scare him.

               
               
               
                             CAROL
               I'm gonna get him.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               See, look at this. Rachel, my T-shirt 
               shrunk. It used to be much
 
               
               bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It 
               shrinks
 
               
               things.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Really? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel 
               whispers in Jane's
 
               
               ear, which prompts Jane to laugh)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What're you doing? What're you, telling 
               secrets? What're you
 
               
               laughing at?

               
               
               
                             JANE
               It's nothing, George.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, it's very impolite to tell 
               secrets. Are you talking
 
               
               about me?

               
               
               
                             JANE
               What is it with you?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               (To George) Easy big fella.

               
               
               
                             MICHAEL
               So Kramer, where'd you get all these 
               lobster, at the
 
               
               Fleesher's Market?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, I got 'em in the ocean.

               
               
               
                             MICHAEL
               The ocean? What'd you mean?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I found this rope and I kept tugging 
               on it, and all these
 
               
               lobsters came up.

               
               
               
                             MICHAEL
               Those are commercial lobster traps. 
               You can't take those
 
               
               lobsters from there. That's against the law.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Take it easy. There's plenty of lobsters 
               in the ocean for
 
               
               everyone.

               
               
               
                             MICHAEL
               My father was a lobsterman. He got up 
               every morning at
 
               
               four and came home every night stinking of brine. He sent me 
               through law
 
               
               school with the lobsters he caught! (Kramer stands up from table)
 
               
               
               
               
                             CAROL
               (Entering with baby) Here he is.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ahhh! (Falls to floor as he sees the 
               baby)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Some night, huh?

               
               
               
                             BEN
               Yeah, I wish I had my telescope.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Some dinner, huh?

               
               
               
                             BEN
               Nothing like fresh caught lobster.
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Some house, huh?

               
               
               
                             BEN
               It was built by Mark Farman.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Some ugly baby, huh?

               
               
               
                             BEN
               What did you say?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I said, uh, some snuggly baby.

               
               
               
                             BEN
               He is something.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, 
               I , I was surprised to hear
 
               
               you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, 
               because you
 
               
               also used it referring to me.

               
               
               
                             BEN
               Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you 
               say things just to be
 
               
               nice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was 
               being nice to
 
               
               her or to the baby)

               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You told her?

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Yeah, what's the big deal?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You don't understand. This organ, it's 
               very... schizophrenic.
 
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Jerry, what the difference? You know, 
               you're the ones obsessed
 
               
               with this stuff, not us. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You're going back to New York now?
 
               
               
               
               
                             JANE
               Yeah, I have some things to do.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to 
               your little friend Rachel,
 
               
               that's what I think.

               
               
               
                             JANE
               So what if I did?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               And she didn't say something to you 
               about a certain something?
 
               
               
               
                             JANE
               I don't know what you're talking about.
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               *I* think that *you* think that a certain 
               *something* is not all
 
               
               that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should* 
               be, and
 
               
               *more*!

               
               
               
                             JANE
               I'm sure it is.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Look, you don't understand. There was 
               shrinkage.
 
               
               
               
               
               fridge and Kramer lights up a cigar.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Looking for this? (Holding up lobster)
 
               
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Oh, Kramer! You startled me.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I thought you might wind up around 
               here.
 
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Yeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking 
               about how everyone was
 
               
               enjoying the lobster so much. I thought I little taste wouldn't 
               hurt, huh?
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm afraid I couldn't do that.

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Why not?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that wouldn't be kosher.

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               C'mon, Kramer. I really want to try 
               it.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Nah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.
 
               
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Come on, Kramer.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Heyahhh!

               
               
               
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               I just heard a car drive out. What was 
               that?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, that's just Jane driving home to 
               New York in the middle of the
 
               
               night. (Rachel shocked)

               
               
               
               
               
               
                             CAROL
               George, thanks so much for making breakfast.
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               George, these are the best scrambled 
               eggs I've ever tasted.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I didn't know you could cook.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm just expressing my gratitude 
               to our gracious host.
 
               
               
               
                             BEN
               Yes, George, the whole breakfast is 
               breathtaking. (Rachel
 
               
               and Jerry enter)

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Good morning.

               
               
               
                             ALL
               Hey, hey.

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Kramer, I just want to thank you again 
               for last night, you really
 
               
               saved me.

               
               
               
                             MICHAEL
               What happened?

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Well, I almost tried the lobster, but 
               Kramer stopped me.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You'd regret it for the rest of your 
               life.
 
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               You're right, I would have.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Referring to George) Hey, look at this 
               guy.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               A little breakfast.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right?
 
               
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Yes, I do, thanks.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Geez, these are delicious. Where did 
               you learn to make eggs like
 
               
               this?

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Umm... This is so good.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, enjoying them?

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Mm-hmm.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, good. You know, you might wanna 
               try eating it with one of
 
               
               these. (Holds up lobster bib)

               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               There's lobster in these eggs?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Not that much. You know, they tend to 
               shrink in the water.
 
               
               (Rachel storms out of room)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I guess I gotta go, too.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, this has turned out to be one 
               *helluva* weekend. (Policeman
 
               
               knocks on door, Michael answers)

               
               
               
                             MICHAEL
               Excuse me?

               
               
               
                             POLICE
               I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying 
               to track down a lobster
 
               
               poacher that cleaned out on of the traps.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Wonder what's goin' on.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, I guess I should go up and apologize.
 
               
               
               
               
                             MICHAEL
               There he is, officer. (Michael points 
               to Kramer, Kramer
 
               
               waves to policeman)

               
               
               
               
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Ahh! Don't you ever knock?

               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know why Rachel had to drive 
               back with Michael to town.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't 
               want to ride back in the same
 
               
               car with you either.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I still can't believe Michael finked 
               on Kramer.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               How is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar 
               fine?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               They got some sort of program.

               
               
               
               
               officer. Back to the car.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop, 
               I can get some more.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, isn't that Michael's car?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               There's Rachel.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Where? (He looks out window and gets 
               hit by a tomato)
 
               
               
               
                             THE END



The Hamptons



Writers :   Peter Mehlman  Carol Leifer
Genres :   Comedy


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