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                          THE HANDICAP SPOT



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (At the comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               I have a friend who is about to get 
               married, they're having the bachelor 
               party and the
 
               bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while 
               she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at
 
               a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That 
               is possible. But to me, the
 
               difference between being single and being married, is the form 
               of government. You see, when you're
 
               single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete 
               power. I can give the order to fall
 
               asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one 
               can overrule me! When you're
 
               married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything 
               gets done there are meetings.
 
               Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage 
               works. That's what's so painful
 
                             ABOUT DIVORCE
               you get impeached and you're not even 
               the president!
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, is it my imagination, or do really 
               good looking women walk a lot faster 
               than
 
               everybody else?

               
                             ELAINE
               We don't walk that fast...

               
                             GEORGE
               No seriously...

               
                             ELAINE
               Seriously, we don't.

               
                             GEORGE
               The better looking they are, the faster 
               they go! I mean, I see they out there 
               on the
 
               street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a 
               motor on their ass.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey 
               Jerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna 
               miss the
 
               previews!

               
                             JERRY
               What's the big hurry?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's 
               party on Saturday night?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a 
               present.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I gotta buy a present now?

               
                             ELAINE
               Of course you do, it's an engagement 
               party.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement 
               present! Then they get married, you 
               gonna
 
               have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another 
               present. Then the baby starts
 
               getting their presents. I don't even like Drake.

               
                             JERRY
               You don't like the Drake?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hate the Drake.

               
                             ELAINE
               I *love* the Drake.

               
                             JERRY
               How could you not like the Drake?

               
                             GEORGE
               Who's the Drake?

               
                             ELAINE
               "Who's the Drake"?

               
                             JERRY
               The Drake is good!

               
                             ELAINE
               So listen, what are you gonna get him?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! 
               (Leaves for washroom)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand. 
               It's a doodle. It's perfect!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what? That's easy.

               
                             JERRY
               Easy?

               
               (Kramer enters in his usual way)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present 
               yet for the Drake?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, no, no, not yet.

               
                             JERRY
               Do you like the Drake?

               
                             KRAMER
               I *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward 
               to meeting the Drakette!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a 
               nice triangle...
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's Isosceles

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. 
               If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles.
 
               
               Isosceles Kramer.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, you know what, maybe we should 
               all chip in for the gift.
 
               
                             JERRY
               The chip-in!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, a pretty good idea, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely!

               
                             JERRY
               You know what, let's go to that mall 
               in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the 
               party. We'll have
 
               to take your car, it's got the most room.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no! My car's not running.

               
               (George enters the room from the washroom)

               
                             JERRY
               What about your father's car?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no. Out of the question. I was 
               over there today. He's got the good 
               spot in front
 
               of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not 
               gonna wanna move.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are you serious?

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't know what that spot means 
               to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't 
               go out for weeks.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How about this, you put your car in 
               the good spot, that'll hold the good 
               spot in front of
 
               the good building, and we can get the good car!

               
                             GEORGE
               Good thinking!

               
                             JERRY
               Good to meet you!

               
               (George's car)

               
                             ELAINE
               So what are we gonna get him?

               
                             JERRY
               We could get him anything we wanted, 
               we're chippin' in.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I like this area. I could live out here.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, we ought to all get a house and 
               live together.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell 
               you what chuckles, I give you permission 
               to sublet my
 
               room right now.

               
                             GEORGE
               Look at this. There's no spaces here. 
               (to another car) Excuse me, are you 
               gettin' out?
 
               
                             MAN IN CAR
               No!

               
                             KRAMER
               Why don't you take a handicap spot...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You think?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no! We'll find a space. There's 
               spaces in the other lot.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't want to walk that far.

               
                             ELAINE
               What if a handicapped person needs it?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, come on, they don't drive!

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, they do!

               
                             KRAMER
               Have you ever seen a handicapped person 
               pull into a space and park?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well there's spaces there, they must 
               drive!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well they don't. If they could drive, 
               they wouldn't be handicapped.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So if you can drive, you're not handicapped?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway... 
               we have to get to the "party"!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I got news for you: handicapped people, 
               they don't even want to park there! 
               They wanna be
 
               treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are 
               always empty.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He's right! It's the same thing with 
               the femenists. You know, they want everything 
               to be
 
               equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What does that mean?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, go ahead.

               
                             ELAINE
               George!

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, come on, it's five minutes.

               
               (pulls into handicap spot)

               
                             KRAMER
               Make sure we don't forget where the 
               car's parked.
 
               
               
               (walking in the parking garage)

               
                             JERRY
               Do you believe the deal we got on this? 
               A big screen TV? At that price?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What a sale, huh? And how about that 
               store, delivering it tonight? We're 
               gonna be swimming
 
               in 'thank you's...

               
                             GEORGE
               What did I get the veggie burger for? 
               You got a veggie burger, so I had to 
               get the veggie
 
               burger, I'm allover crums...

               
                             JERRY
               No-one's gonna have a better gift than 
               this big screen TV! Good for them, love 
               the Drake!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Got to *love* the Drake!

               
               (sound of police cars)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, what's going on over here?

               
                             ELAINE
               Must have been an accident...

               
               (they turn the corner so they can see their car, surrounded by 
               a lot of people)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to a woman) Hey, what's going on?
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, 
               so this woman in a wheelchair had to 
               wheel up this
 
               incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled 
               backwards into the wall. Taken her to
 
               St. Elizabeth's...

               
                             JERRY
               Is she OK?

               
                             WOMAN
               I don't know. We're just waiting here 
               for the owner of this car to show up. 
               May not get out
 
               alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay!

               
                             JERRY
               Son's of bitches! Good luck finding 
               them... him... whatever. I'd like to 
               stick around and
 
               get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.

               
               (man hits George's car in rage)

               
                             GEORGE
               How are we gonna get out of here? They'll 
               kill us!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (to George) Are you happy now?

               
                             KRAMER
               Who would think these people we're gonna 
               be here?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know...

               
                             ELAINE
               What about the party? What about the 
               Drake?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Screw the Drake!

               
                             JERRY
               I love the Drake!

               
                             KRAMER
               Let's just take a bus back to the city.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Can't leave the car here!

               
                             KRAMER
               Why not?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's my father's car!

               
               
                             EVERYBODY
               Yeah! Yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               Let's get out of here.

               
               (coffee shop)

               
                             GEORGE
               What are we gonna do? How are we gonna 
               get out of here?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The thing is, even if we go back by 
               the car, and there's nobody there, how 
               do we know
 
               they're not all hiding, waiting for us?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, they have to give up some time, 
               they can't stay out there all night?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What are we, John Dillinger? How did 
               this get to be the crime of the century? 
               It's not like
 
               we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying...

               
                             GEORGE
               What I don't get is, just because the 
               battery is dead, you think she'd be 
               able to roll up
 
               the hill with her hands!

               
                             KRAMER
               You'd think...

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean, batteries have gone dead before, 
               aren't they prepared for that?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Most of them don't even have batteries.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped 
               people, who didn't want to do any work, 
               and
 
               just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah...

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm sorry!

               
                             ELAINE
               Our big screen TV is probably arriving 
               right now...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How are we gonna get out of here? We 
               need a plan!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give 
               the keys to Elaine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Me?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit 
               a woman!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, they won't?

               
                             JERRY
               Not if they don't know you...

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm not going for this, Kramer should 
               go! It was all his idea!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No chance in hell!

               
                             JERRY
               What if we created some sort of diversion? 
               What if we all went by the car and started
 
               
                             SCREAMING
               "There he is, there's the guy that took 
               the handicap spot!" And then, when they 
               all run into
 
               the other direction, we'll jump in the car!

               
                             GEORGE
               That's good, we'll give it a try...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               That's good...

               
                             JERRY
               That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Huh?

               
               (parking garage)

               
               (the four of them approach George's car, which is smashed to 
               pieces)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (as George picks up a broken piece of 
               his car) You know, a lot of these scratches 
               will buff
 
               right out...

               
               (George's parents' house)

               
                             FRANK
               Eight years have I had this car. Not 
               a scratch on it! Eight years!
 
               
               (Estelle is playing Mahjongh with the ladies)

               
                             FRANK
               A beautiful Mercury! I special-ordered 
               that bench seat!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Dad, that other car cut us off! They 
               had swastikas all over it... They were 
               hurling racial
 
               epiphates at us... I could have been killed!

               
                             ESTELLE
               (to Frank) I told you not to give it 
               to him!
 
               
                             FRANK
               (to George) You know, my insurance doesn't 
               cover this? The whole thing is a total 
               loss!
 
               
                             MAHJONGH LADY
               Frank, the important thing is, he didn't 
               get hurt!
 
               
                             FRANK
               No it isn't!

               
                             MAHJONGH LADY
               So what are you doing now, Georgie?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC...
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Where the hell is my paper?

               
                             MAHJONGH LADY
               You're writing a pilot?

               
                             ESTELLE
               With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the 
               comedian...
 
               
                             MAHJONGH LADY
               So what's it about?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other 
               driver doesn't have any insurance, so 
               the judge
 
               sentences him to be Jerry's butler.

               
                             MAJONGH LADIES
               This is the same situation! Frank, maybe 
               you ought to make him your butler!
 
               
               (giggling)

               
                             ESTELLE
               Every time you're with that Kramer, 
               something happens... He's a real trouble 
               maker!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nah, he didn't have anything to do with 
               it...
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry? 
               I used to think was nice... I don't 
               know what
 
               happened to him...

               
               (Estelle wins at Mahjongh)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry's on the phone with the Drake, Elaine is eating an Oreo 
               cookie)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to the Drake) So it was a good party, 
               huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome... 
               (to
 
               Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah...

               
                             JERRY
               (to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll 
               ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine) 
               Drake
 
               wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, 
               since we missed the partly last
 
               night, to maybe get something to eat?

               
                             ELAINE
               Sure!

               
                             JERRY
               (to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't 
               worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay... 
               okay, see you
 
               later... bye...

               
                             JERRY
               The Drake is great!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy 
               for them.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy 
               for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, 
               but,
 
               frankly, that doesn't do anything for me.

               
               (buzzer rings)

               
                             JERRY
               Yes?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's me.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up.

               
               (Door opens, Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, the handicapped woman? I went 
               to see her.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You went to see her?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Wow, what happened?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm in love.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman 
               I have ever seen. I love her Jerry, 
               I really love
 
               her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've 
               always wanted in another human being.
 
               Except for the walking.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, what's the difference, you don't 
               go out that much.
 
               
               (George enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, I'm glad you're here.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta 
               buy a wheelchair.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               A wheelchair? What for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know I went to the hospital 
               today, and I saw the woman, you know, 
               and the
 
               wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one!

               
                             GEORGE
               Doesn't she have collision?

               
                             KRAMER
               George, I'm in love with her!

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, my father works for the United 
               Volunteers, maybe he can get her one.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No! She needs it now!

               
                             GEORGE
               What about these two? Aren't they gonna 
               chip in?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well...

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, we told you not to park there!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Can't we just fix the old one?

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't 
               chip in! But some day, we're gonna be 
               driving along,
 
               we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th 
               avenue! Is that what you want?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair! 
               Wheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT 
               NEVER
 
               ENDS!

               
               
               (at Surgical Appliances)

               
                             SALESMAN
               This is out best model. The Cougar 9000. 
               It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. 
               This is
 
               like... you're almost glad to be handicapped.

               
                             KRAMER
               So now, what's this got?

               
                             SALESMAN
               Inductive joystick, dynamic braking, 
               flip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put 
               Stephen
 
               Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's 
               rated number one by Hospital Supply and
 
               Prosthetic Magazine.

               
                             GEORGE
               How much?

               
                             SALESMAN
               6200.

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you have something a little more... 
               less expensive?
 
               
               
               (At the Drake's)

               
               (The Drake opens the door, the Drakette is sitting on the couch)
 
               
               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               Hey Drake! Hi Drake!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine, 
               look at that!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were 
               you guys just blown away or what?
 
               
               
                             THE DRAKE
               Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic...
 
               
               
               (Jerry sits down next to Alison)

               
                             JERRY
               I am gonna make good use of this! I'm 
               watching every superbowl here, every 
               big fight....
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh man, there is nothing like a really 
               big TV, huh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               So where're we eatin'?

               
                             THE DRAKE
               Well, actually... Jerry...

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm *really* hungry!

               
                             THE DRAKE
               ... we just broke up...

               
                             JERRY
               When did this happen?

               
                             THE DRAKE
               About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really 
               sorry about this guys... whew!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Look at the picture on this thing...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, cristal clear!

               
                             JERRY
               They know how to make 'em...

               
               (The Drake starts sobbing)

               
                             ELAINE
               Are there any good Italian restaurants 
               around here?
 
               
                             THE DRAKE
               Gagliano's... that's pretty good...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well... we should...

               
                             ELAINE
               Get movin'...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, 
               I am sure it'll be for the best.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison!

               
               (The Drake is sobbing again, Elaine takes the remote control 
               out the door then returns)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna 
               put it on top of the television...
 
               
               
               
               (at Surgical Appliances)

               
                             SALESMAN
               Alright, this one is about 8 years old. 
               Not a scratch on it, it was owned by 
               some lady
 
               who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to 
               feed her cat.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               But this'll get you around?

               
                             SALESMAN
               Oh sure, it just doesn't have any of 
               the thrills of the Cougar.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Like what?

               
                             SALESMAN
               For example, your tremor-damping.

               
                             KRAMER
               Now what's that?

               
                             SALESMAN
               It helps to control the direction regardless 
               of the operator's tremors or spasticity.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, is it alright if I try it?

               
                             SALESMAN
               Hop in!

               
               (Kramer sits down, and likes it)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah!

               
               (Salesman is laughing)

               
                             SALESMAN
               I tell ya...

               
               (Kramer crashes into wheelchairs while trying to control his)
 
               
               
                             SALESMAN
               When I see someone enjoying themselves 
               like that, it reminds me why I got into 
               this
 
               business in the first place.

               
                             GEORGE
               How much?

               
               (Kramer crashes into some more wheelchairs)

               
                             SALESMAN
               How about $240?

               
                             GEORGE & KRAMER
               We'll take it!

               
               
               (Jerry's appartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               Drake gave her the TV?

               
                             JERRY
               He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, 
               that's *our* TV!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know it is!

               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, I am really starting to dislike 
               the Drake!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing 
               was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged 
               and get
 
               presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to 
               Chicago tomorrow and do the whole
 
               thing all over again.

               
                             ELAINE
               They don't know anybody in Chicago.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Don't worry, they'll make friends fast 
               with that nice TV.
 
               
               (George enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               The Drake broke up?! That's fantastic! 
               Now we get the TV back! It'll help defray
 
               
               some of the cost of the wheelchair.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know about defraying.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               We're not gettin' that TV.

               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean? The engagement is 
               off, we get the TV back. That's business.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The Drakette took it.

               
                             GEORGE
               She can't take it. It's not hers, it's 
               theirs. Once there's no theirs there's 
               no hers, it
 
               should be ours.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, she has it!

               
                             GEORGE
               I *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate 
               the Drake!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe we should call her.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, who's gonna call?

               
                             JERRY
               You are.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? Why is it me who always has to 
               do these things?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Because that's your thing!

               
                             ELAINE
               What? Calling people I hardly know, 
               and demanding they return expensive 
               gifts, that's my
 
               "thing"?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's your thing.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, gimme the phone... it's my 
               "thing"...
 
               
               (Elaine starts dialling)

               
                             JERRY
               You know, I'm thinking about getting 
               a yo-yo.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               I could see that...

               
                             
               Hello?

               
                             ELAINE
               Alison! Hi, this is Elaine...

               
                             
               I gave all the gifts to charity.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry 
               again about you and the Drake...
 
               
                             
               I hate the Drake.

               
                             ELAINE
               Everybody does. Bye-bye....

               
               (Elaine hangs up the phone)

               
                             ELAINE
               She gave it to charity.

               
                             JERRY
               Charity?!? That's apalling.

               
                             GEORGE
               How could anybody be so selfish and 
               inconsiderate!
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You 
               should have seen the look on her face. 
               And then she
 
               told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! 
               So you see George, the whole
 
               incident was a God blessing! Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               You mean a blessing in disguise?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah....

               
               
               (At George's parents' place)

               
                             LADY
               And I would also like to personally 
               thank our gracious host Frank Costanza, 
               who has earned
 
               the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United 
               Volunteer Representative of the
 
               Month!

               
               (applause)

               
                             LADY
               Due to his tireless effort, he personally 
               raised over $22,000. That's a lot of 
               wheelchairs!
 
               
               (applause, door bel rings)

               
                             LADY
               On behalf of the United Volunteers of 
               Greater New York, we thank you!
 
               
               (Estelle opens the front door, two men walk in)

               
                             FRANK
               Well... thank you very much!

               
                             COP
               Mr. Costanza?

               
                             FRANK
               Yes?

               
                             COP
               You're under arrest.

               
                             FRANK
               Under arrest? What for?

               
                             COP
               Reckless endangerment of public safety, 
               and violation of traffic code 342-A.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               What's that?

               
                             COP
               Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go...
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               George! George!

               
               
               (Jerry's appartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Your father got arrested? For what?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Parking in a handicap spot. Right in 
               the middle of his United Volunteers 
               meeting. When he
 
               got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.

               
                             JERRY
               Ho-ly!

               
                             GEORGE
               Between the car getting totalled, the 
               towing charge and the fine, there's 
               no way I can
 
               ever pay him back...

               
                             JERRY
               So what are you gonna do?

               
                             GEORGE
               I agreed to become his butler.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             JERRY
               What's the matter?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's over!

               
                             JERRY
               What's over?

               
                             KRAMER
               Me and Lola....

               
                             GEORGE
               The woman we bought the wheelchair for?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, she dumped me!

               
                             JERRY
               She dumped you?

               
                             KRAMER
               She dumped me! She rolled right over 
               me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I 
               a hipster dufus?
 
               
                             JERRY & GEORGE
               ... no...

               
                             KRAMER
               Said I'm not good looking enough for 
               her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at 
               me, look at my
 
               face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?

               
                             GEORGE
               ...you're very attractive...

               
                             KRAMER
               yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see 
               me again. Told me to drop dead!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Drop dead?

               
                             GEORGE
               Boy, even I never heard that one...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She's pretty rough!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeesh-jip!

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               240 bucks?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it was slightly used...

               
                             JERRY
               Used?

               
               
               (cut to Lola rolling down a hill trying to use her brakes that 
               don't work, screaming)
 
               
               
               (George's parents' place)

               
               (George's vaccuuming)

               
                             FRANK
               I don't think you did such a good job 
               on these...
 
               
               (George turns off the vaccuum)

               
                             GEORGE
               What!?

               
                             FRANK
               You're supposed to your face there! 
               Do you see your face in there?
 
               
               (Phone rings)

               
                             FRANK
               Yeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about 
               that?... Right down a hill huh?
 
               Okay! Alight! Bye!

               
               (hangs up the phone)

               
                             FRANK
               George, forget about the shoes. Want 
               you to do something for me (scribbles 
               something on a
 
               piece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody 
               gave her a used wheelchair with
 
               defective brakes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Sons of bitches!

               
                             FRANK
               Anyway, I want you to pick up this big 
               screen TV, and deliver it to her.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Big screen TV?

               
                             FRANK
               Do you think you can handle it?

               
               
               (At the Drakette's)

               
               (knock on door, the Drakette opens)

               
                             ALISON
               Yes?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi, we're from the United Volunteers, 
               we've come to pick up the TV.
 
               
                             ALISON
               Oh great, it's right over there.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh, it's a big one!

               
               
               {All four inside a delivery van outside the mall)

               
                             GEORGE
               Who's got the receipt?

               
                             ELAINE
               I do.

               
                             GEORGE
               Will they give us cash?

               
                             JERRY
               That's their policy.

               
                             GEORGE
               I hate this mall, there are never any 
               spaces here...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What if there is a fire?

               
                             KRAMER
               What are the chances of that?

               
               
               
                             THE END



The Handicap Spot



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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