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                          THE HEART ATTACK



                             Written by

                            Larry Charles




 
               
               
               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that 
               I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of 
               reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number 
               one: as an adult, if I want a cookie, 
               I have
 
               
               a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven 
               cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire 
               appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call
 
               
               my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom? 
               yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." So what if 
               you ruin.. See, because as an adult, we
 
               
               understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite 
               coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. 
               I've got millions of them, I'll ruin
 
               
               them whenever I want!

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry's sitting on his couch in the dark, watching TV)

               
                             TV VOICE
               (Germanic) Look, Sigmund. Look in the 
               sky. The planets are on fire. It is 
               just as you prophesied. The planets 
               of our solar system, incinerating. Like
 
               
               
               flaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes.. Ah, ha, ha, ha..
 
               
               
               (Jerry's now asleep)

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's bedroom)

               
               (Jerry's laying in his bed. He wakes suddenly, picks up a pen 
               and scribbles something down on a pad. He laughs, shakes his 
               head, then goes back to sleep, laughing
 
               
               to himself)

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Coffee shop)

               
               (Jerry looks tired. He's staring at a crumpled piece of note 
               paper. George takes out a cucumber from a bag in his pocket)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What do you got, a cucumber?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, so what?

               
                             ELAINE
               You're bringing in an ouside cucumber?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They refuse to put cucumber in the salad. 
               I need cucumber.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Trying to read the note) What have 
               I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? 
               I got up last night, I wrote this down, 
               I thought I had this great bit.
 
               
               (Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second.. 
               "Fax me some halibut." Is that funny? Is that a joke?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper 
               from Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny."
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did 
               I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Let me see that. (Studies the note)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, where's Kramer?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. That's like asking "Where's 
               Waldo?"
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Still holding the note) I think I'm 
               having a heart attack.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't think that's it.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not kidding.

               
                             JERRY
               What does that mean?

               
                             ELAINE
               I think what he's trying to say is that 
               he's having a heart attack.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, he's having a heart attack.

               
                             GEORGE
               Tightness..

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon.

               
                             GEORGE
               Shortness of breath..

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, this is ridiculous.

               
                             GEORGE
               Radiating waves of pain..

               
                             JERRY
               I know what this is. You saw that show 
               on PBS last night, Coronary Country. 
               (To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide. 
               I called him and told him to make sure
 
               
               
               and not watch it.

               
                             GEORGE
               There was nothing else on. Oh, the left 
               arm.. the left arm.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia 
               last year, and ate like an animal for 
               two weeks.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm 
               allowed.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what do you want? You want me take 
               you to the hospital?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Manhattan Memorial, less of a line.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'll call an ambulance. (Exits)

               
               (A waitress approaches. George is dying, but the waitress doesn't 
               seem to notice)
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               Is everything alright?

               
                             GEORGE
               We'll just take a check. (She leaves 
               the check. George, in all his cheapness, 
               can't help but to review the check. 
               He finds an error) You made a mistake
 
               
               
               on the..

               
                             ELAINE
               George!

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Hospital room)

               
               (George lies in the bed. He has EKG cups on his chest, a tube 
               up his nose, and an IV in his arm. The man in the neighboring 
               bed seems to be in pain)
 
               
                             MAN
               Ooohhh... Argghhh..

               
                             GEORGE
               Are.. are you okay?

               
                             MAN
               Ooooooohhh..

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm George.. George Costanza.. I've 
               never been in the hospital a day in 
               my life.. except when I had my tonsils 
               out. You know, they never gave me any
 
               
               
               ice cream. I always felt that-

               
                             MAN
               Shut up!

               
               (Scene goes to Jerry. He's standing at the doorway, showing the 
               note to a nurse)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well? What do you think?

               
                             NURSE 1
               "Salami, salami, bologna." Definitely.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               "Salami salami bologna"?

               
                             DOCTOR
               (In a hurry) Oh, your friend's fine. 
               He didn't have a heart attack. I'll 
               be in - in a few minutes.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters 
               George's room overly sympathetic - leading 
               George to think that the Doctor told 
               Jerry something significant) Hey, how
 
               
               
               ya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and 
               get you a Superman comic?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no thanks.

               
                             JERRY
               (Still going along with the practical 
               joke) You know, I was wondering.. You 
               know that Black Hawks jacket you have?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love 
               my Black Hawks jacket.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you know, I was thinking - if 
               things don't exactly work out..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves 
               are too short.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I tried it on. It fits good.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I didn't really think about what 
               I was gonna do with all..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you know..

               
                             GEORGE
               (Reluctantly) Well, okay.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright 
               if I called Susan Davis?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Susan Davis? (Getting possessive) Hey, 
               wait a second..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's not like we'd be bumping 
               into you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know, if your future was a little 
               more certain..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, 
               have babies, have a great life.. What 
               do I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed) 
               It's all over for me. In fact, let's
 
               
               
               end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. 
               Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow 
               and put it over my face.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What? 
               Kind of like this? (Violently smothers 
               George with the pillow. George freaks 
               out. He didn't think Jerry would actually
 
               
               
               do it)

               
                             GEORGE
               What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!
 
               
               
               (Elaine enters - she gets a clear shot of Jerry's jokingly trying 
               to kill George)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               (Acts like he was cought red-handed) 
               Elaine, what are you doing here? (Takes 
               the pillow off George, and puts it back 
               on his bed)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Jerry) Jerk off.

               
               (Jerry goes over to Elaine)

               
                             JERRY
               (Whispering) There's nothing wrong with 
               him. I saw the doctor. He's fine.
 
               
               
               (They both go to George's bed. Elaine decides to go along with 
               Jerry's joke)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, George. How ya feeling? Is anybody 
               getting your apartment?
 
               
               (Jerry and Elaine both sit down, and have their own conversation. 
               They completely ignore George)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here, 
               I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna 
               do a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga, 
               meditate.. I'll eat right. Calm down, 
               lose my
 
               
               anger.. (Sees Jerry and Elaine aren't listening. He snaps) Hey, 
               is anybody listening?!
 
               
               (The doctor enters. Elaine and the doctor exchange an awkward, 
               romantic glance)
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               (To Elaine) Uh, hello. (To George) Uh, 
               Mr. Costanza?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Panicky) Uh, yeah. You know, Doctor, 
               I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better.
 
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               Well, we looked at your EKG's, ran some 
               tests, did a complete work-up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Getting in a more panicked state) Oh 
               God, Mommy!
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               And you simply haven't had a heart attack.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm 
               okay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor! 
               I don't know how to thank you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun, 
               George. Can we go home now?
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               No, actually, we'd like to keep him 
               here overnight for observation, just 
               to be safe.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, sure. Sure, anything. Can you believe 
               it? There's nothing wrong with me.
 
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               Well, I wouldn't go that far.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Starting to panic again) What? Oh my 
               God. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? 
               Lupis?! Is it Lupis?!
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               Have you ever had your tonsils taken 
               out?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               My tonsils? Yeah, when I was a kid.
 
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               Well, they've grown back. Your adenoids 
               are swollen too.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Jokingly hits the doctor) Whose tonsils 
               grow back? (Laughs)
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               It happens.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma 
               rays.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I still have my tonsils. Everyone in 
               my family has their tonsils. In fact, 
               we were forbidden to socialize with 
               anyone who didn't have their tonsils.
 
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               That's interesting. Because, no one 
               in my family has their tonsils, and 
               we were forbidden to socialize with 
               tonsil people.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastically) Well, it's like the 
               Capulets and the Montagues.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Drawing attention back to him) Excuse 
               me!
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               Anyway, I strongly recommend they come 
               out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What? You mean with a knife?

               
                             DOCTOR
               Yes. With a knife. You know, snip, snip. 
               Anyway, you'd be completely under, you 
               wouldn't feel a thing. And when you 
               wake up, you can have some ice
 
               
               cream.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Angry) Yeah, that's what they told 
               me the last time.
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               Think about it. (Turns to leave, but 
               runs into Elaine) Excuse me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits) 
               I just.. have to ask that doctor one 
               more question. (Leaves)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Women go after doctors like men go after 
               models. They want someone with knowledge 
               of the body.. we just want the body.
 
               
               
               (Kramer enters, eating off a tray of hospital food)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. 
               Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. 
               It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital! 
               (Sits and starts eating) So, how
 
               
               did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you 
               doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper 
               jobs.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Trying to shut him up) Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               The really bad thing about the heart 
               is the sex thing. See, you gotta be 
               careful about sex now. You get that 
               heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next
 
               
               
               thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached 
               to a piece of luggage.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No? That's good.

               
                             GEORGE
               I have to have my tonsils taken out.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you 
               outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll 
               kill ya in here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Trying to calm George down) It's routine 
               surgery.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno, 
               he came in here for a hernia operation.. 
               Oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's 
               sittin' around in a chair by a
 
               
               window going, "My name is Bob" .. George, whatever you do, don't 
               let 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, what should I do, Kramer?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, for one think, don't listen to 
               him.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell 
               you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman. 
               Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's 
               a herbalist, a healer, George. He's 
               not just
 
               
               gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the 
               whole way you function - body and mind.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Eckman? I thought he was doing time?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the 
               medical establishment, see, they tried 
               to frame him. It's all politics. But 
               he's a rebel.
 
               
                             JERRY
               A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. 
               Eckman is a nut. George, you want to 
               take care of your tonsils, you do it 
               in a hospital. With a doctor.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               He's holistic, George. He's holistic.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Holistic.. that sounds right.

               
                             JERRY
               George, you need a medical doctor.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Jerry) Let me ask you something.. 
               How much do you think it would cost 
               to have tonsils and adenoids removed 
               in the hospital?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, an overnight stay in a hospital? 
               Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh-huh. And how much does the healer 
               charge?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               First visit? Thirty-eight bucks.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yeah? Holistic.. that's what I need. 
               That's the answer.
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Healer's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and George are sitting on huge pillows on the apartment 
               floor. Kramers fiddling with an acupuncture model)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So, how do you like the way I talked 
               you into comin' down here?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm 
               here strictly for material, and I have 
               a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. 
               I still think you're nuts, though.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All I know is I've been going to doctors 
               all my life. What has it gotten me? 
               I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't 
               outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm
 
               
               
               already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped 
               healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to 
               taking forever. You could do your taxes
 
               
               in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, 
               medium orgasm.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Jokingly making fun of George) I've 
               never had a really good pickle.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight 
               bucks?
 
               
               (Tor enters. He hugs Kramer for a long time, then walks over 
               to Jerry and George)
 
               
                             TOR
               (To Jerry) Would you not put your foot 
               on that please?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sorry.

               
               (Tor sits down, and turns tward George)

               
                             TOR
               What month were you born?

               
                             GEORGE
               April.

               
                             TOR
               You should have been born in August. 
               Your parents would have been well-advised 
               to wait.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             TOR
               Do you use hot water in the shower?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.

               
                             TOR
               Stop using it.

               
                             GEORGE
               ..Okay.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm off hot water.

               
                             TOR
               Kramer tells me that you are interested 
               in an alternative to surgery.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, yes I am.

               
                             TOR
               (Blows into George's face) I think we 
               can help you. See, unfortunately, the 
               medical establishment is a business 
               like any other business. And business 
               needs
 
               
               customers. And, they want to sell you their most expensive item 
               which is unnecessary surgery.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Still on the showers) Can I use hot 
               water on my face?
 
               
                             TOR
               No. You know, I am not a business man. 
               I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, 
               it's a gift. You see, it's in the best 
               interest of the medical profession that 
               you remain
 
               
               sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. 
               You're a customer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (He thinks this, the audience can hear 
               his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, 
               but you play one in real life.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Still on the hot water) What about 
               shaving?
 
               
                             TOR
               (To Jerry) You're eating too much dairy. 
               (To George) May I? (Reaches over, and 
               touches George's face)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I guess so.

               
                             TOR
               (Feeling George's face) You see, you 
               are in disharmony. The throat is the 
               gateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis, 
               is, in Chinese medical terms, and invasion
 
               
               
               of heat and wind.

               
                             JERRY
               (Again, we hear his thoughts) There's 
               some hot air blowing in here..
 
               
                             TOR
               You know, I lived with the Eskimos many 
               years ago, and they used to plunge their 
               faces into the snow.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Once again, still on the shower) Could 
               it be lukewarm?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Too much dairy? You really think I'm 
               eating too much dairy?
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Doctor's car)

               
               (The Doctor and Elaine are almost done with their date. the doctor 
               is speaking seductively to Elaine while holding out her tongue)
 
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               ..The tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or, 
               in medical terms, the glossa. It's a 
               muscular organ.. Consists of two parts.. 
               the body, and the root.. You see, it's
 
               
               
               covered by this mucous membrane.. These little raised projections 
               are the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. Very tactile..
 
               
               
               (The Doctor is still holding her tongue)

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh-huh.

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Healer's apartment)

               
                             TOR
               (Pouring tea) Your tea is ready now. 
               This will solve your so-called tonsil 
               problem. It's a special concoction. 
               It contains crampbark.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I love crampbark.

               
                             TOR
               Cleavers.

               
                             JERRY
               Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. 
               I was able to lift a car.
 
               
                             TOR
               And some couchgrass.

               
                             JERRY
               Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, 
               I think that's what killed Curly.
 
               
               
               (Tor hands George the tea. George isn't willing to drink it right 
               away. Jerry looks skeptical, Kramer, on the other hand, is enthusiastic)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Go ahead, drink it, George.

               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? 
               You have intuitive abilities. You're 
               in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind 
               of things.. I have this note I can't 
               read.
 
               
               I was wondering if-

               
                             TOR
               (Takes the note, then laughs when he 
               reads it) Oh, yes.. yes.. "Cleveland 
               117, San Antonio 109.. (Hands note back 
               to Jerry)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Go ahead, drink it, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Takes a sip) Hey, it's not too bad..
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Ambulance)

               
               (George's strapped down on a gurney. His face is purple, and 
               he's screaming. Jerry and Kramer are trying to calm him down. 
               The driver and the assistant in the
 
               
               back are having a huge fight)

               
                             GEORGE
               (In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant! 
               I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man!
 
               
               
                             DRIVER
               (To Assistant) I didn't take your Chuckle, 
               man!
 
               
                             ASSISTANT
               I had five Chuckles. I ate a green one, 
               and the yellow one, and the red one 
               is missing!
 
               
                             DRIVER
               I don't even like Chuckles!

               
                             JERRY
               (To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like 
               them. That's possible.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               My face! My face! Get me to the hospital!
 
               
               
                             ASSISTANT
               I want that Chuckle! You hear me?!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle. 
               You want me to get you a Chuckle?
 
               
               
                             ASSISTANT
               (Angry, to Driver) Pull over!

               
                             DRIVER
               Pull over? Did you say pull over?! You 
               want a piece of me?!
 
               
                             ASSISTANT
               Yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               You're gonna fight?

               
                             GEORGE
               Now?! I'm a mutant!

               
                             KRAMER
               (To Driver) Hey, let me drive.

               
                             ASSISTANT
               Come on, man. Pull over!

               
                             DRIVER
               Alright! I'm gonna mess you up, man!
 
               
               
               (Ambulance comes to a screeching halt. Driver gets out, and the 
               assistant heads for the back door)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               My heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where 
               you going? Are you crazy?!
 
               
                             ASSISTANT
               I'm gonna kick his ass.

               
                             KRAMER
               (To Assistant) Hey, you have keys?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You can't leave! This is an ambulance! 
               This is an emergency!
 
               
               (The Assistant leaves. Jerry, Kramer, and George watch the two 
               fight)
 
               
                             JERRY
               All this for a Chuckle.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's a Chuckle?

               
                             JERRY
               It's a jelly candy. it comes in five 
               flavors.
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Doctor's car)

               
               (He's still holding Elaine's tongue)

               
                             DOCTOR
               You see, taste buds run on grooves along 
               the surfaces.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Can you let go of my tongue now?

               
                             DOCTOR
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Let go of my tongue!

               
                             DOCTOR
               (Lets go) Oh, sorry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I should get going.. (The Doctor 
               leans in for a kiss. Elaine stops him) 
               What are you doing?
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               I was going to kiss you good night.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa 
               with the bumps and the papillae? ..Yech, 
               I don't think so. (Leaves)
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Ambulance)

               
               (It's now moving. The driver's behind the wheel, but the assistant 
               is nowhere in sight)
 
               
                             JERRY
               You just can't leave him out there.
 
               
               
                             DRIVER
               I told him I was gonna mess him up.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, can you call him an ambulance?
 
               
               
                             DRIVER
               I told him I didn't take his Chuckle. 
               I don't eat that gooey crap!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               hey, watch the road! Watch the road, 
               man!
 
               
                             DRIVER
               (Turns back, facing Kramer) Hey, man, 
               you want some of what he got?!
 
               
                             JERRY AND KRAMER
               Watch out!

               
               (The Ambulance crashes into something)

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Hospital room)

               
               (George is in the bed, watching TV, wearing a neck brace. Jerry 
               enters limping and wearing a neck brace, also. He talks to George, 
               but George can't respond
 
               
               verbally)

               
                             JERRY
               How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk? 
               (George shakes his head. Jerry gestures 
               to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the 
               plastic one? (George raises his
 
               
               eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's 
               life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm 
               that he wants ice cream) What? What's
 
               
               that? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like, 
               five, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live 
               and learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went
 
               
               to Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice 
               cream again) What are you doing?
 
               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but 
               I can't stay long. I don't want to run 
               into Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought 
               you something. (Takes out a pint of 
               ice
 
               
               cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing.
 
               
               
               (Nurse enters)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, check the TV.

               
               (The TV is showing the same exact movie Jerry was watching at 
               the start of the show)
 
               
                             TV VOICE
               (Germanic) It's just as you prophesied. 
               The planets of our solar system, incinerating. 
               Like flaming globes, Sigmond. Like flaming 
               globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha..
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's 
               it! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond! 
               Flaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my 
               note! tha'ts what I thought was so
 
               
               
               funny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that.
 
               
               
               
               (George throws the whole carton of ice cream over the separating 
               curtan)
 
               
                             MAN
               Aaahhhgggg!

               
               (Scene ends)

               
               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               I have a friend who's a hypochondriac, 
               always thinks he's sick - never is. 
               And they, you have another type of person, 
               always thinks they're well, not matter
 
               
               
               how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying. 
               "Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung 
               machine. I never felt better
 
               
               in my life." Medical science is making advances every day in 
               control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter 
               of time before a heart attack, you know,
 
               
               becomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going, 
               "I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness) 
               ..but, I gave myself one of these.
 
               
               Clear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht.. 
               and it's gone!"
 
               
               
               
                                  THE END




The Heart Attack



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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