THE HOT TUB
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
I always feel bad for the silver medal
winner in the Olympics. How do you live
with that the rest of your life? People
are gonna keep asking - How much did
you lose by? I don't even know...! It
was like...(very fast) now.now...now.now..now..was
like, like... now..now..now...! It was
it...! Eh, it was it and I lost. I trained,
I worked out, I exercised, I did everything,
I was doing push-ups, sit-ups, I never
did anything but exercise and work out
for 20 years, I flew half way around
the world and aaaaaaaaaah!...(showing
a tiny distance between his index and
thumb) And that was...it was a photo-finish!
Silver...(stretching his neck forward)...gold.
If I had a pimple, I would've won.
(Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, George, Elaine)
(to Elaine) I can't believe you write
for this J. Peterman catalog.
(to George) Get this one - "I packed
my rod and reel. 30 hours later, lost
in the fiord, a welcoming smile. Thank
god she spotted the epaulettes on my
Norwegian ice-fishing vest".
This catalog is all about how to score
in a foreign country.
Yeah. What do you do all day?
Not that much.
I thought that new promotion was supposed
to be a lot more work.
Yeah, when the season starts. Right
now, I sit around pretending that I'm
How do you pull that off?
I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you
look annoyed all the time, people think
that you're busy. Think about it...
(acts annoyed for 3 seconds).
Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!
Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!
I know what I'm doin'. In fact Mr. Wilhelm
gave me one of those little stress dolls.
All right. (gets up) Back to work. (acts
annoyed and leaves)
So did you come up with a little stupid
story for the Himalayan walking shoe
No. I'm completely blocked! In fact,
I'm gonna work on it tonight. Oh. Oh
no! Oh, I can't! I got that marathon
runner coming in tonight.
What marathon runner?
You know, this guy Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul...
I met him when I was working at Pendant,
editing a book on running...
Oh, wait! Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul! Isn't
he the guy who overslept at the Olympics
4 years ago and missed the marathon?!
Yeah, that's him.
He's from uh...Trinidad and Tobago,
Yeah, he's Trinidadian and...Tobagan.
How do you oversleep at the Olympics...?
Ah, I know. I know...!
I mean, it's like the biggest event
of your life! You'd think you'd have,
like, 6 alarm
clocks, payin'-off little kids in the village to come banging
on your door...
Yeah, well, he was pretty devastated.
This is his first race in 3 years.
Ah...that's a big responsability on
What responsibility? I don't have any
You gotta wake him up!
Eh...he'll get up...
(A woman passes by with a baby)
Hi, Elaine. How are you?
I've seen her in your building.
I didn't know she was married.
(whispering) She's not... and the guy
just took off. (makes a sad face)
Don't say anything to anybody.
Whom I gonna tell?
I know, it's just something you have
(George's office at the Yankee Stadium)
(George is reading a newspaper when he hears a fly that lands
on his desk. He tries to kill it
with the paper but misses. Mr. Wilhelm comes in. George switches
George, we just got the final budget
numbers. We went over budget on some
of the items,
but I don't think there's gonna be a problem. (hands over the
budget file to a very
annoyed George) I'll let you get back to work, George. (Mr. Wilhelm
leaves the office)
(George hears the fly again. It lands on the wall and he starts
bashing it with the file.
Mr. Wilhelm sees George hitting the wall with the budget file
and shakes his head, worried)
(Jerry's apartment - Jerry, George)
He overslept and missed the whole race.
Isn't that amazing?
I'll tell you what happened. I bet he
got the AM/PM mixed-up.
My money's on the snooze. I bet he hit
the snooze for an extra 5 and it never
on. (Kramer enters with a bucket and starts filling it with water
on the sink)
Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock.
Alarm clocks? I never use 'em. Don't
What do you do?
I have a uh...mental alarm. I set my
head for... quarter to seven and...
(makes sound with the lips - "pop!") ...I get up!
It never fails. See, it's based on your
body clock. See, your body has an internal
mechanism. It knows what time it is.
uh-uh. What's with the bucket?
Lomez, he sold me his hot tub.
Yeah yeah, it's in my living room. I
just gotta fill it. (points to bucket)
You put a hot tub... in your living
Oh, it's a beauty! It's got these high-volume
aqua-sage jets oscillating and pulsating,
soothing your every aching muscle. The water's gonna get over
120 degrees! (happy)
Is that tolerable?
Oh...it's tolerable...! (happy)
Isn't that the same temperature the
coffee that scalded you?
Oh, I think it's a little cooler than
that... (smiles and leaves)
He uh...doesn't have any running water?
I don't ask those kind of questions
(Monk's Restaurant - Jerry)
(Elaine and Jean-Paul come in)
Jerry. Jerry, this is Jean-Paul.
Ah, hi Jean-Paul. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry about the Olympics.
Me too. (disappointed)
Listen, listen I'm gonna go call work
to see if I can get my deadline extended.
I can't...come up with anything for this thing.
Ah...catalog writer's block?
Yeah, that's funny. (annoyed)
(pause) So what happened? The snooze
alarm, wasn't it?
Man, it wasn't the snooze. Most people
think it was the snooze, but no, no
Man, it wasn't the AM/PM. It was the
Yes, the volume. There was a separate
knob for the radio alarm.
Ah, separate knob.
Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?!
Why separate knob?! (frustrated)
Some people like to have the radio alarm
a little louder than the radio.
Oh, please, man, please!
Don't worry, it's not gonna happen again.
Not if I have anything to say about
Elaine, what's the alarm clock situation
in your house?
It's a simple question...
I've got an alarm, ok?
That old one? Didn't I once miss a flight
to Cleveland because of that alarm clock?
Flight to Cleveland?
(George's office at the Yankee Stadium)
(George is doing the newspaper's crossword. The pen stops working.)
Eh...come oooon...(starts stabbing the
paper with the pen. Mr. Wilhelm comes
(George switches to annoyed-mode again)
George...I think you may be taking work
a little too seriously.
Well...I've got a lot to do!
George, I'll tell you what I'd like
you to do. I, I'd like you to drop everything.
(George acts annoyed)
I have this... fun little assignment
I think you'll enjoy. There's some reps
the Houston Astros for talks on that interleague play... and
I want you to show them a
good time.(George acts like "ok, you're the boss")
(Jerry's apartment - Jerry)
(Elaine comes in)
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
You're 40 minutes late. What happened?
I got held up. Do you mind if I heat
this muffin up?
What? (Elaine puts her muffin in the
microwave and sets the timer) What is
Well, you said you were gonna be here
at a certain time, and you weren't.
uh-uh. uh-uh. And this all means uh...what?
Well, means that a man has come from
very far away to compete in a very difficult
he's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned!
Oh are you?!
Yes I am.
Hey, I'm not running in the marathon!
Yeah, I know that!
Yeah, I got enough to think about just
tryin' to come up with some load o'crap
Himalayan walking shoe! I mean, I've given him a place to stay,
I'll set an alarm, but
I'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy!
I'm not talking about upside down. (Jean-Paul
and Kramer come in) I'm talking about
Hey, Jean-Paul. How was your soak? Was
a good soak?
Ah, man, very good soak. The soak o'the
(smelling) What's burning?
Oh! (rushing to the microwave) My muffin!
(opens microwave door) Oh, shoot! (slams
Oh I don't know. I set this thing for
This was set for 2 minutes. See?
(Jerry raises his hands in the air, worried)
(pointing at Jerry) Don't say anything!
You miss-set the timer...
(leaning against the refrigerator) Jean-Paul,
it's not my microwave, ok? Ok? All right,
listen, let's just go. Come on, Jean-Paul, let's go. Let's go.
(to Jerry) All right. We'll see you
at the race, ok?
Yeah. I hope so ?!
Oh that's cute! (closes door and exits
Kramer, I'm tellin' you, Elaine doesn't
know whatta hell she's doin'! I gotta
this whole operation!
Jerry, look how tense you are... You
need to take a soak.
I'm not taking a soak in that human
bacteria frat you got goin' there.
Come on, I'm tellin' you, it's great.
I opened up all the windows... the air
is cold, the
tub is boiling hot... It's like Sweden, man. Sweeeeden!
(Kramer's hot tub)
(The water is at 105.F degrees. Kramer takes his robe off and
(relaxing) ...oooohhh yeeaaah... aaahhh...
(he is really enjoying this)
(in a bar - George and 3 other men, drinking)
...'till this bastard over here says:
"let's call the sons o'bitches and go
visit 'em on
New York!" (the 3 men laugh)
(smiling) Well, we're certainly glad
that you could make it.
I like your organization, George. We've
been talkin' to a really friendly son
of a bitch
in the front office. Wilhelm, I think his name.
Oh yes, Mr.Wilhelm, yeah...
He told us that George Costanza was
gonna be takin' us bastards out on the
"that son of a bitch doesn't know what
he's got in store
for him!". (the 3 men laugh once more)
Finish your drink?
Oh yeah, al-almost. Almost.
Let's get that bastard bring us another
round! (waves to bartender)
You a big drinker, George?
Well...maybe not as much as this bastard...
(points at Zeke, they all laugh) I can
hold my own! (they all continue laughing and drinking)
(Kramer's hot tub)
(The water is now at 53 degrees. Kramer is asleep inside and
he's all trembling. He wakes up,
frozen, making trembling sounds, reaches for his robe and puts
it on while in the tub.)
(Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, Jean-Paul)
Jean-Paul, I asked you down here this
morning because I'm concerned. Concerned
tomorrow is perhaps the biggest race of your entire career. And
the person with whom you
have chosen to stay... is uh...
What are you saying?
I'm saying "get the hell outta there"!
Let me put you in a hotel. You'll be
you'll be near the starting line, and most importantly... you'll
have a wake-up call,
Jean-Paul! A wake-up call!
These people never fail. They sit in
a room with a big clock all night long,
to make that call! (George comes in)
No, I will stay with Elaine. It would
Hey, you bastards.
Hey, how was the meeting?
I really like those sons of bitches.
Sons of bitches?
Yeah! That's how they talk. You know,
everyone's either a bastard or a son
of a bitch.
Yeah, it's like uh..."boy, that son of a bitch Box can really
hit, uh?!" (laughs)
Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in
the major league. (laughs)
(Kramer walks in wearing winter coat, scarf, cap, gloves... They
all look at him very surprised)
How many sweaters you got on?
Oh...four. (to waitress) Yeah, could
I have a cup o'tea? Boiling hot.
I fell asleep in the hot tub and the
heat pump broke. Water went down to
I can't get my core temperature back up!
Your core temperature?
(to Jean-Paul) Here, feel my hand. (takes
off glove) Yeah, feel.
Phew... this son of a bitch is ice-cold.
(inside an airplane - the 3 men)
(They are calling George at the Yankee Stadium, while they're
drinking and laughing in the plane)
uh...is that you, George?
(laughs) Yeah, it's me. Is this Clayton?
Well listen, you son of a bitch! You
know where we are? 30 000 feet above
your head, you
bastard! (the 3 laugh and howl)
What are they doin' lettin' you bastards
on an airplane? Don't they know that's
(to the other 2 men) Hey, hush up, now!
I can't hear him!
Listen. I want you guys to send along
those agreements the minute you land.
can't wait to kick your butts!
(to Clayton) When's that bastard comin'
Hey, Zeke wants to know when you Yankee
bastards are comin' to Houston!
You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee
is ever comin' to Houston. Not as long
bastards are running things.
Hey, uh, speak up, George, I can't hear
(Mr.Wilhelm comes in and hears George
yelling) You tell that son of a bitch
no Yankee is
ever comin' to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running
(Mr.Wilhelm comes running, takes the phone from George and hangs
George! George, get a hold of yourself!
What's the matter with you?!
(Elaine's office - Elaine)
(She's trying to think of a story for the shoes while she's at
(thinking and typing) It was a cold
winter's night in Timbuktu...
(hits the keyboard) Oh! This stinks! (grabs a Himalayan walking
shoe and starts squeezing
it for inspiration) Oh, come on... come on...!...God! (quits)
(Elaine's building - Jean-Paul, Judy with baby)
I'm a friend of Elaine's.
(looks at the baby) oooooh...look at
the cute little bastard... (the building
comes in) you are mama's little bastard, aren't you? (laughs)
(Judy goes away angry and Jean-Paul is surprised by that)
Whatta hell are you doin' harassing
(smiling) Oh come on, you son of a bitch.
I'm just trying to be friendly.
All right, that's it! (grabs Jean-Paul
and gets him out) Let's go!
What...but I got a race tomorrow!
(Jerry's apartment at night- Kramer)
(Kramer is lying on Jerry's sofa, "fully" dressed and covered
with a blanket. Jerry and George
Whoa...it's like a furnace in here!
Oh whatta hell is goin'on?!
Yeah, I turned up the heat.
Turn up the heat in your apartment!
(opens a window)
I'm freezin'! I just need to get my
hot tub running. I'm waiting for my
new heat pump.
Well what's in this giant box out in
Uh? Oh that must be it.
Yeah, yeah, I got the biggest one they
had. It's industrial strength. 16000
(Kramer leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks it up)
Hello?...yeah, I can be there in 10
minutes...you can count on me! (hangs
(Jerry is going to his bedroom) What?
I got the call...!
(stops walking) Jean-Paul! (George acts
like he scored)
(hotel - Jerry, Jean-Paul. Sitting in different beds)
Pretty lucky to find this hotel, Jean-Paul.
Man, I just want to get some sleep.
(gets into bed)
All right. (picks up the alarm clock)
Let's check out the clock. Notch good...
volume check. (music playing, he starts swinging) What kinda
music you wanna wake up to?
Top 40, classical...
Man, whatever! (annoyed)
How about adult contemporary?
Fine, adult contemporary. Just pick
All right...we're going with adult contempo...
(puts alarm away, gets phone) now...
the failsafe. The wake-up guy... (dials)
Yes, yes, the wake-up guy.
(on the phone) Front desk...?
Yeah, this is room 419, I'd like a wake-up
call for 6:50 AM tomorrow morning.
That's room 419. 6:50 AM. Four...one...niner...
Yes, I got it sir. You only had to say
I know, but it's a very important wake-up
call... and I don't wanna take any chances.
Every wake-up call I make is important.
You're no more important than any of
Well, I just...don't wanna get into
a whole thing with you here...
Are you through? (annoyed)
...Yeah I am, but I just...(man hangs-up)
(Jerry pauses thinking)
What is it...?
I think I offended the wake-up guy...!
(gets up) No, no, I did. I think he's
got it in for me!
Man, he doesn't got "in" for you.
What if he doesn't call now out of spite?
It is his job!
(Jerry sits down)
(pause) Not comfortable... (gets up
For God's sake...! (gets up and they
(Elaine comes in)
Jean-Paul? (searching everywhere) Hey
Jean-Paul? Jean-Paul? (worried) Jean-Paul?!
Oh man... (calling Jerry's) Oh...machine.
I'm not here, leave a message.
Jerry, Jerry, Jean-Paul's missing! He's
alone in the city! Call me back. (hangs
(She leaves her apartment and knocks on Judy's door)
Judy, hi, listen...
You have got some nerve, Elaine! I told
you about that baby in confidence!
Oh I didn't tell anyone.
Well your friend certainly seemed to
know all about it. (shuts the door)
... Jerry! (runs angry to her apartment)
(Jerry and Jean-Paul come in)
Feel much better here at my home base,
Jean-Paul. It's a controlled environment.
It's a marathon, you know. 26 miles!
I need to get some sleep! (lies on the
Hey, believe me, if I'd been with you
there in Barcelona...you'd be polishing
right now. (covers Jean-Paul with a blanket)
Left a comfortable hotel bedroom for
That wake-up guy was trouble! All right,
I'll be right back. (goes knocking on
(Kramer checks the water temperature and then opens the door)
(shouting) Man that thing is noisy!
(shouting) Yeah yeah, we're cracking
along pretty good! We're almost up to
Yeah, listen, do me a favor. Set your
mental alarm for 6:30 and gimme a call.
Yeah, ok. Wait. (concentrates and makes
the "pop!" sound) Done! (Jerry stares,
(street at night- Elaine walking and thinking, very worried)
(the following voices are on Elaine's mind)
He's put his faith in you. He's put
his faith in you.
I trust Elaine, she is my friend. I
trust Elaine, she is my friend.
Frankly, I'm a little concerned.
Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this
street a thousand times! It's never
strange! The faces...so cold! In the distance, a child is crying.
child, perhaps. My back aches...my heart aches...but my feet
(stops to look at her feet)
...my feet are resilient! (a big smile grows in her face, as
she thinks...) Thank God I
took off my heels, and put on my... HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!!!
(lifting her arms up in
the air, in ecstasy, as she says...) Yes!
02 AM. Jean-Paul's sleeping at the sofa)
02 AM. Kramer snores. The heat pump
short circuits and blows the fuses on
the entire building)
4:02? (Checks his wristwatch) Aaa-aaahhh!
Eight forty seven Jean-Paul! Wake up!
(gets out of bedroom, in panic) Jean-Paul! The electricity went
out! Wake up! Wake up!
WE GOTTA GO! IT'S 8
8:47!? (jumps out of the sofa)
(both running around, getting ready to go)
Come on, just put your clothes on! You'll
get dressed in the car!
Idiot! I trusted you!
(Kramer comes in wrapped up in a blanket)
Kramer, what happened to the building?!
The electricity went out!
Yeah, the heat pump blew all the fuses!
What happened to your mental alarm?!
I guess I hit the snooze... (Jerry runs
by Kramer and Kramer falls down)
(New York marathon)
(Jerry and Jean-Paul try to get to the starting line through
Make way! I've got-I've got a runner
here! Get outta the way! Make way! Make
Make way, it's a contender! (an event guard stops them)
Hey, hold it!
I'm late, man, I'm in the race!
Thank you Jerry, you're a wonderful
driver. Fantastic route, man!
All right, go, it's a race! Come on!
(George Steinbrenner's office at the Yankee Stadium)
(George comes in)
You wanted to see me, Mr.Steinbrenner?
Yes, George, come in, come in. George,
word up's you've been cracking under
pressure. Can't cope, can't stand the heat. Spit the bit.
Oh no, Mr.Steinbrenner, I can explain...
Oh we all get a little cuckoo sometimes
George, I used to be like you. Rating
personnel 'till they cried, calling managers on the field during
a game, threatening
to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I
found a way to relax.
(New York marathon - Jerry, Elaine, Kramer)
(They're waiting for the runners to run by. Kramer remains "fully"
dressed and is carrying a
thermos with tea).
I'm tellin'you, I never told anyone
about that baby. I never even went near
Then how did she find out, Jerry?!
Maybe you should check with the rabbi.
(to Elaine) You want some hot tea?
Oh no, thank you.
Oh. There's some runners. Here they
(The first runner to appear is Jean-Paul)
There's Jean-Paul! He's up front! He's
leading! (jumping) Go Jean-Paul!(starts
Oh yeah! Yeah! Come on! (starts howling)
Come on, let's go Jean-Paul!
(We switch over to Jean-Paul. We hear him breathing. We hear
his heart beating. Some people offer
him drinks. Jean-Paul grabs one, Kramer's hot tea, and leaves
scene. Kramer gets very surprised.
We then hear Jean-Paul screaming in pain, and it's not hard to
guess why. Kramer puts on a
"whatta hell" look, Elaine puts on an "ouch" look and Jerry puts
on his "it's a shame" one.)
(George and Mr.Steinbrenner inside a hot tub)
How're you enjoying it, George? Melts
that tension away, doesn't it? You gotta
get that jet on the good spot. Oh. Oh.
Uh. Uh. Yes, that feels good. Yes, that's
real good. Oh yeah, that's where I keep
all my tension. Right down to that chicken
bone. Sometimes I get my wife to just
stuck her thumb right in there like
a screwdriver. Ya know, the Phillips
head, not the flat one. Oh God, those
flat ones frustrate me. You got it in,
but it slips out. You put it in again,
slips out again. You a single man, George?
(bored to death) Well, I-I just recently
I'll tell you, if you wanna get something
wild goin'on in your life, you get a
girl and bring her to one o'these things.
Just like 4 shots a wild turkey. (laughs)
She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy.
(George starts sliding, until he gets
all his head -and glasses- under water,
as Steinbrenner keeps talking) A show,
about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it?
You know we used to talk. I don't think
he liked me very much, you know.