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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE HOT TUB



                             Written by

                     Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               I always feel bad for the silver medal 
               winner in the Olympics. How do you live 
               with that the rest of your life? People 
               are gonna keep asking - How much did 
               you lose by? I don't even know...! It 
               was like...(very fast) now.now...now.now..now..was 
               like, like... now..now..now...! It was 
               it...! Eh, it was it and I lost. I trained, 
               I worked out, I exercised, I did everything, 
               I was doing push-ups, sit-ups, I never 
               did anything but exercise and work out 
               for 20 years, I flew half way around 
               the world and aaaaaaaaaah!...(showing 
               a tiny distance between his index and 
               thumb) And that was...it was a photo-finish! 
               Silver...(stretching his neck forward)...gold. 
               If I had a pimple, I would've won.
 
               
               
               
               (Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, George, Elaine)

               
                             JERRY
               (to Elaine) I can't believe you write 
               for this J. Peterman catalog.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to George) Get this one - "I packed 
               my rod and reel. 30 hours later, lost 
               in the fiord, a welcoming smile. Thank 
               god she spotted the epaulettes on my 
               Norwegian ice-fishing vest".
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This catalog is all about how to score 
               in a foreign country.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. What do you do all day?

               
                             GEORGE
               Not that much.

               
                             ELAINE
               uh-uh.

               
                             JERRY
               I thought that new promotion was supposed 
               to be a lot more work.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, when the season starts. Right 
               now, I sit around pretending that I'm 
               busy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How do you pull that off?

               
                             GEORGE
               I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you 
               look annoyed all the time, people think 
               that you're busy. Think about it... 
               (acts annoyed for 3 seconds).
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               I know what I'm doin'. In fact Mr. Wilhelm 
               gave me one of those little stress dolls. 
               All right. (gets up) Back to work. (acts 
               annoyed and leaves)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (laughs)

               
                             JERRY
               So did you come up with a little stupid 
               story for the Himalayan walking shoe 
               yet?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No. I'm completely blocked! In fact, 
               I'm gonna work on it tonight. Oh. Oh 
               no! Oh, I can't! I got that marathon 
               runner coming in tonight.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What marathon runner?

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, this guy Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul... 
               I met him when I was working at Pendant, 
               editing a book on running...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, wait! Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul! Isn't 
               he the guy who overslept at the Olympics 
               4 years ago and missed the marathon?!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, that's him.

               
                             JERRY
               He's from uh...Trinidad and Tobago, 
               right?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, he's Trinidadian and...Tobagan. 
               (laughs)
 
               
                             JERRY
               How do you oversleep at the Olympics...?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, I know. I know...!

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, it's like the biggest event 
               of your life! You'd think you'd have, 
               like, 6 alarm
 
               
               clocks, payin'-off little kids in the village to come banging 
               on your door...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, well, he was pretty devastated. 
               This is his first race in 3 years.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ah...that's a big responsability on 
               your hands.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What responsibility? I don't have any 
               responsibility.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You gotta wake him up!

               
                             ELAINE
               Eh...he'll get up...

               
               (A woman passes by with a baby)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, Judy.

               
                             JUDY
               Hi, Elaine. How are you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Fine. (laughs)

               
               (woman leaves)

               
                             JERRY
               I've seen her in your building.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't know she was married.

               
                             ELAINE
               (whispering) She's not... and the guy 
               just took off. (makes a sad face)
 
               
               
               Don't say anything to anybody.

               
                             JERRY
               Whom I gonna tell?

               
                             ELAINE
               I know, it's just something you have 
               to say...
 
               
               (George's office at the Yankee Stadium)

               
               (George is reading a newspaper when he hears a fly that lands 
               on his desk. He tries to kill it
 
               
               with the paper but misses. Mr. Wilhelm comes in. George switches 
               to annoyed-mode)
 
               
                             WILHELM
               George, we just got the final budget 
               numbers. We went over budget on some 
               of the items,
 
               
               but I don't think there's gonna be a problem. (hands over the 
               budget file to a very
 
               
               annoyed George) I'll let you get back to work, George. (Mr. Wilhelm 
               leaves the office)
 
               
               (George hears the fly again. It lands on the wall and he starts 
               bashing it with the file.
 
               
               Mr. Wilhelm sees George hitting the wall with the budget file 
               and shakes his head, worried)
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment - Jerry, George)

               
                             JERRY
               He overslept and missed the whole race. 
               Isn't that amazing?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll tell you what happened. I bet he 
               got the AM/PM mixed-up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               My money's on the snooze. I bet he hit 
               the snooze for an extra 5 and it never 
               came back
 
               
               on. (Kramer enters with a bucket and starts filling it with water 
               on the sink)
 
               
               Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alarm clocks? I never use 'em. Don't 
               trust 'em.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What do you do?

               
                             KRAMER
               I have a uh...mental alarm. I set my 
               head for... quarter to seven and...
 
               
               
               (makes sound with the lips - "pop!") ...I get up!

               
                             JERRY
               Always works?

               
                             KRAMER
               It never fails. See, it's based on your 
               body clock. See, your body has an internal
 
               
               
               mechanism. It knows what time it is.

               
                             GEORGE
               uh-uh. What's with the bucket?

               
                             KRAMER
               Lomez, he sold me his hot tub.

               
                             JERRY
               Hot tub?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah yeah, it's in my living room. I 
               just gotta fill it. (points to bucket)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You put a hot tub... in your living 
               room?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, it's a beauty! It's got these high-volume 
               aqua-sage jets oscillating and pulsating,
 
               
               
               soothing your every aching muscle. The water's gonna get over 
               120 degrees! (happy)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Is that tolerable?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh...it's tolerable...! (happy)

               
                             JERRY
               Isn't that the same temperature the 
               coffee that scalded you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I think it's a little cooler than 
               that... (smiles and leaves)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He uh...doesn't have any running water?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't ask those kind of questions 
               anymore.
 
               
               (Monk's Restaurant - Jerry)

               
               (Elaine and Jean-Paul come in)

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry. Jerry, this is Jean-Paul.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, hi Jean-Paul. Nice to meet you.
 
               
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Nice to meet you.

               
                             JERRY
               Sorry about the Olympics.

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Me too. (disappointed)

               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, listen I'm gonna go call work 
               to see if I can get my deadline extended.
 
               
               
               I can't...come up with anything for this thing.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah...catalog writer's block?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, that's funny. (annoyed)

               
               (Elaine leaves)

               
                             JERRY
               (pause) So what happened? The snooze 
               alarm, wasn't it?
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Man, it wasn't the snooze. Most people 
               think it was the snooze, but no, no 
               snooze.
 
               
                             JERRY
               AM/PM.

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Man, it wasn't the AM/PM. It was the 
               volume.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah...the volume.

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Yes, the volume. There was a separate 
               knob for the radio alarm.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, separate knob.

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?! 
               Why separate knob?! (frustrated)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Some people like to have the radio alarm 
               a little louder than the radio.
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Oh, please, man, please!

               
                             JERRY
               Don't worry, it's not gonna happen again. 
               Not if I have anything to say about 
               it.
 
               
               (Elaine returns)

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, what's the alarm clock situation 
               in your house?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry...

               
                             JERRY
               It's a simple question...

               
                             ELAINE
               I've got an alarm, ok?

               
                             JERRY
               That old one? Didn't I once miss a flight 
               to Cleveland because of that alarm clock?
 
               
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Flight to Cleveland?

               
                             ELAINE
               It works.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine...

               
                             ELAINE
               It... works!

               
               (George's office at the Yankee Stadium)

               
               (George is doing the newspaper's crossword. The pen stops working.)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Eh...come oooon...(starts stabbing the 
               paper with the pen. Mr. Wilhelm comes 
               in)
 
               
               (George switches to annoyed-mode again)

               
                             WILHELM
               George...I think you may be taking work 
               a little too seriously.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well...I've got a lot to do!

               
                             WILHELM
               George, I'll tell you what I'd like 
               you to do. I, I'd like you to drop everything.
 
               
               
               (George acts annoyed)

               
                             WILHELM
               I have this... fun little assignment 
               I think you'll enjoy. There's some reps 
               in from
 
               
               the Houston Astros for talks on that interleague play... and 
               I want you to show them a
 
               
               good time.(George acts like "ok, you're the boss")

               
               (Jerry's apartment - Jerry)

               
               (Elaine comes in)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey. Sorry I'm late.

               
                             JERRY
               You're 40 minutes late. What happened?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I got held up. Do you mind if I heat 
               this muffin up?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? (Elaine puts her muffin in the 
               microwave and sets the timer) What is 
               the problem?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you said you were gonna be here 
               at a certain time, and you weren't.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               uh-uh. uh-uh. And this all means uh...what?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, means that a man has come from 
               very far away to compete in a very difficult 
               race,
 
               
               he's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh are you?!

               
                             JERRY
               Yes I am.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, I'm not running in the marathon! 
               He is!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I know that!

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I got enough to think about just 
               tryin' to come up with some load o'crap 
               for that
 
               
               Himalayan walking shoe! I mean, I've given him a place to stay, 
               I'll set an alarm, but
 
               
               I'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not talking about upside down. (Jean-Paul 
               and Kramer come in) I'm talking about 
               waking
 
               
               him up!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, Jean-Paul.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Jean-Paul. How was your soak? Was 
               a good soak?
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Ah, man, very good soak. The soak o'the 
               year!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (smelling) What's burning?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! (rushing to the microwave) My muffin! 
               (opens microwave door) Oh, shoot! (slams 
               it)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What happened?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh I don't know. I set this thing for 
               20 seconds.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               This was set for 2 minutes. See?

               
               (Jerry raises his hands in the air, worried)

               
                             ELAINE
               (pointing at Jerry) Don't say anything! 
               Don't..say..anything!
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               You miss-set the timer...

               
                             ELAINE
               (leaning against the refrigerator) Jean-Paul, 
               it's not my microwave, ok? Ok? All right,
 
               
               
               listen, let's just go. Come on, Jean-Paul, let's go. Let's go.
 
               
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Ok.

               
                             ELAINE
               (to Jerry) All right. We'll see you 
               at the race, ok?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. I hope so ?!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh that's cute! (closes door and exits 
               with Jean-Paul)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, I'm tellin' you, Elaine doesn't 
               know whatta hell she's doin'! I gotta 
               take over
 
               
               this whole operation!

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, look how tense you are... You 
               need to take a soak.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not taking a soak in that human 
               bacteria frat you got goin' there.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, I'm tellin' you, it's great. 
               I opened up all the windows... the air 
               is cold, the
 
               
               tub is boiling hot... It's like Sweden, man. Sweeeeden!

               
               (Kramer's hot tub)

               
               
               
               (The water is at 105.F degrees. Kramer takes his robe off and 
               goes inside)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (relaxing) ...oooohhh yeeaaah... aaahhh... 
               (he is really enjoying this)
 
               
               (in a bar - George and 3 other men, drinking)

               
                             CLAYTON
               ...'till this bastard over here says: 
               "let's call the sons o'bitches and go 
               visit 'em on
 
               
               New York!" (the 3 men laugh)

               
                             GEORGE
               (smiling) Well, we're certainly glad 
               that you could make it.
 
               
                             GARDNER
               I like your organization, George. We've 
               been talkin' to a really friendly son 
               of a bitch
 
               
               in the front office. Wilhelm, I think his name.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yes, Mr.Wilhelm, yeah...

               
                             GARDNER
               He told us that George Costanza was 
               gonna be takin' us bastards out on the 
               town.
 
               
                             
               "that son of a bitch doesn't know what 
               he's got in store
 
               
               for him!". (the 3 men laugh once more)

               
                             ZEKE
               Finish your drink?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah, al-almost. Almost.

               
                             ZEKE
               Let's get that bastard bring us another 
               round! (waves to bartender)
 
               
                             CLAYTON
               You a big drinker, George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well...maybe not as much as this bastard... 
               (points at Zeke, they all laugh) I can
 
               
               
               hold my own! (they all continue laughing and drinking)

               
               (Kramer's hot tub)

               
               
               
               (The water is now at 53 degrees. Kramer is asleep inside and 
               he's all trembling. He wakes up,
 
               
               frozen, making trembling sounds, reaches for his robe and puts 
               it on while in the tub.)
 
               
               (Monk's Restaurant - Jerry, Jean-Paul)

               
                             JERRY
               Jean-Paul, I asked you down here this 
               morning because I'm concerned. Concerned 
               that
 
               
               tomorrow is perhaps the biggest race of your entire career. And 
               the person with whom you
 
               
               have chosen to stay... is uh...

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               What are you saying?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm saying "get the hell outta there"! 
               Let me put you in a hotel. You'll be 
               comfortable,
 
               
               you'll be near the starting line, and most importantly... you'll 
               have a wake-up call,
 
               
               Jean-Paul! A wake-up call!

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Wake-up call...

               
                             JERRY
               These people never fail. They sit in 
               a room with a big clock all night long, 
               just waitin'
 
               
               to make that call! (George comes in)

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               No, I will stay with Elaine. It would 
               be rude.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, you bastards.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, how was the meeting?

               
                             GEORGE
               I really like those sons of bitches.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Sons of bitches?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, 
               everyone's either a bastard or a son 
               of a bitch.
 
               
               Yeah, it's like uh..."boy, that son of a bitch Box can really 
               hit, uh?!" (laughs)
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Really?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in 
               the major league. (laughs)
 
               
               (Kramer walks in wearing winter coat, scarf, cap, gloves... They 
               all look at him very surprised)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Heeeeey...

               
                             JERRY
               How many sweaters you got on?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh...four. (to waitress) Yeah, could 
               I have a cup o'tea? Boiling hot.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What's goin'on?

               
                             KRAMER
               I fell asleep in the hot tub and the 
               heat pump broke. Water went down to 
               58 degrees.
 
               
               I can't get my core temperature back up!

               
                             JERRY
               Your core temperature?

               
                             KRAMER
               (to Jean-Paul) Here, feel my hand. (takes 
               off glove) Yeah, feel.
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Phew... this son of a bitch is ice-cold. 
               (smiles)
 
               
               (inside an airplane - the 3 men)

               
               (They are calling George at the Yankee Stadium, while they're 
               drinking and laughing in the plane)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hello?

               
                             CLAYTON
               uh...is that you, George?

               
                             GEORGE
               (laughs) Yeah, it's me. Is this Clayton?
 
               
               
                             CLAYTON
               Well listen, you son of a bitch! You 
               know where we are? 30 000 feet above 
               your head, you
 
               
               bastard! (the 3 laugh and howl)

               
                             GEORGE
               What are they doin' lettin' you bastards 
               on an airplane? Don't they know that's 
               against
 
               
               FAA regulation?

               
                             CLAYTON
               (to the other 2 men) Hey, hush up, now! 
               I can't hear him!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Listen. I want you guys to send along 
               those agreements the minute you land. 
               Our boys
 
               
               can't wait to kick your butts!

               
                             ZEKE
               (to Clayton) When's that bastard comin' 
               to Houston?
 
               
                             CLAYTON
               Hey, Zeke wants to know when you Yankee 
               bastards are comin' to Houston!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee 
               is ever comin' to Houston. Not as long 
               as you
 
               
               bastards are running things.

               
                             CLAYTON
               Hey, uh, speak up, George, I can't hear 
               ya!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Mr.Wilhelm comes in and hears George 
               yelling) You tell that son of a bitch 
               no Yankee is
 
               
               ever comin' to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running 
               things!
 
               
               (Mr.Wilhelm comes running, takes the phone from George and hangs 
               up)
 
               
                             WILHELM
               George! George, get a hold of yourself!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Mr.Wilhelm...

               
                             WILHELM
               What's the matter with you?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I-I...

               
               (Elaine's office - Elaine)

               
               (She's trying to think of a story for the shoes while she's at 
               the computer)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (thinking and typing) It was a cold 
               winter's night in Timbuktu...
 
               
               (hits the keyboard) Oh! This stinks! (grabs a Himalayan walking 
               shoe and starts squeezing
 
               
               it for inspiration) Oh, come on... come on...!...God! (quits)
 
               
               
               (Elaine's building - Jean-Paul, Judy with baby)

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Hello.

               
                             JUDY
               Hello.

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               I'm a friend of Elaine's.

               
                             JUDY
               Oh, hi.

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               (looks at the baby) oooooh...look at 
               the cute little bastard... (the building 
               manager
 
               
               comes in) you are mama's little bastard, aren't you? (laughs)
 
               
               
               (Judy goes away angry and Jean-Paul is surprised by that)

               
                             MANAGER
               Whatta hell are you doin' harassing 
               my tenants?
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               (smiling) Oh come on, you son of a bitch. 
               I'm just trying to be friendly.
 
               
                             MANAGER
               All right, that's it! (grabs Jean-Paul 
               and gets him out) Let's go!
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               What...but I got a race tomorrow!

               
               (Jerry's apartment at night- Kramer)

               
               (Kramer is lying on Jerry's sofa, "fully" dressed and covered 
               with a blanket. Jerry and George
 
               
               come in)

               
                             GEORGE
               Whoa...it's like a furnace in here!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh whatta hell is goin'on?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I turned up the heat.

               
                             JERRY
               Turn up the heat in your apartment! 
               (opens a window)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm freezin'! I just need to get my 
               hot tub running. I'm waiting for my 
               new heat pump.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well what's in this giant box out in 
               the hall?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh? Oh that must be it.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's huge!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, I got the biggest one they 
               had. It's industrial strength. 16000 
               BTU's.
 
               
               (Kramer leaves. The phone rings and Jerry picks it up)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?...yeah, I can be there in 10 
               minutes...you can count on me! (hangs 
               up)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Jerry is going to his bedroom) What?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I got the call...!

               
                             GEORGE
               Jean-Paul?

               
                             JERRY
               (stops walking) Jean-Paul! (George acts 
               like he scored)
 
               
               (hotel - Jerry, Jean-Paul. Sitting in different beds)

               
                             JERRY
               Pretty lucky to find this hotel, Jean-Paul.
 
               
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Man, I just want to get some sleep. 
               (gets into bed)
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right. (picks up the alarm clock) 
               Let's check out the clock. Notch good... 
               6:50...
 
               
               volume check. (music playing, he starts swinging) What kinda 
               music you wanna wake up to?
 
               
               Top 40, classical...

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Man, whatever! (annoyed)

               
                             JERRY
               How about adult contemporary?

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Fine, adult contemporary. Just pick 
               one! (irritated)
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right...we're going with adult contempo... 
               (puts alarm away, gets phone) now...
 
               
               
               the failsafe. The wake-up guy... (dials)

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Yes, yes, the wake-up guy.

               
                             MAN
               (on the phone) Front desk...?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, this is room 419, I'd like a wake-up 
               call for 6:50 AM tomorrow morning.
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Yes sir.

               
                             JERRY
               That's room 419. 6:50 AM. Four...one...niner...
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Yes, I got it sir. You only had to say 
               it once.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know, but it's a very important wake-up 
               call... and I don't wanna take any chances.
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Every wake-up call I make is important. 
               You're no more important than any of 
               our guests.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I just...don't wanna get into 
               a whole thing with you here...
 
               
                             MAN
               Are you through? (annoyed)

               
                             JERRY
               ...Yeah I am, but I just...(man hangs-up)
 
               
               
               (Jerry pauses thinking)

               
                             JERRY
               humm...

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               What is it...?

               
                             JERRY
               I think I offended the wake-up guy...! 
               (worried)
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               No, no.

               
                             JERRY
               (gets up) No, no, I did. I think he's 
               got it in for me!
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Man, he doesn't got "in" for you.

               
                             JERRY
               What if he doesn't call now out of spite?
 
               
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               It is his job!

               
               (Jerry sits down)

               
                             JERRY
               (pause) Not comfortable... (gets up 
               again)
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               For God's sake...! (gets up and they 
               start packing)
 
               
               (Elaine's apartment)

               
               (Elaine comes in)

               
                             ELAINE
               Jean-Paul? (searching everywhere) Hey 
               Jean-Paul? Jean-Paul? (worried) Jean-Paul?!
 
               
               
               Oh man... (calling Jerry's) Oh...machine.

               
                             JERRY'S MACHINE
               I'm not here, leave a message.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, Jerry, Jean-Paul's missing! He's 
               alone in the city! Call me back. (hangs 
               up)
 
               
               (She leaves her apartment and knocks on Judy's door)

               
                             ELAINE
               Judy, hi, listen...

               
                             JUDY
               You have got some nerve, Elaine! I told 
               you about that baby in confidence!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh I didn't tell anyone.

               
                             JUDY
               Well your friend certainly seemed to 
               know all about it. (shuts the door)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               ... Jerry! (runs angry to her apartment)
 
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and Jean-Paul come in)

               
                             JERRY
               Feel much better here at my home base, 
               Jean-Paul. It's a controlled environment.
 
               
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               It's a marathon, you know. 26 miles! 
               I need to get some sleep! (lies on the 
               sofa)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, believe me, if I'd been with you 
               there in Barcelona...you'd be polishing 
               that medal
 
               
               right now. (covers Jean-Paul with a blanket)

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Left a comfortable hotel bedroom for 
               this!
 
               
                             JERRY
               That wake-up guy was trouble! All right, 
               I'll be right back. (goes knocking on 
               Kramer's)
 
               
               (Kramer checks the water temperature and then opens the door)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (shouting) Man that thing is noisy!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (shouting) Yeah yeah, we're cracking 
               along pretty good! We're almost up to 
               80 degrees!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, listen, do me a favor. Set your 
               mental alarm for 6:30 and gimme a call.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, ok. Wait. (concentrates and makes 
               the "pop!" sound) Done! (Jerry stares, 
               confused)
 
               
               (street at night- Elaine walking and thinking, very worried)
 
               
               
               (the following voices are on Elaine's mind)

               
                             JERRY
               He's put his faith in you. He's put 
               his faith in you.
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               I trust Elaine, she is my friend. I 
               trust Elaine, she is my friend.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Frankly, I'm a little concerned.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this 
               street a thousand times! It's never 
               looked so
 
               
               strange! The faces...so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. 
               Fatherless...a bastard
 
               
               child, perhaps. My back aches...my heart aches...but my feet 
               (stops to look at her feet)
 
               
               ...my feet are resilient! (a big smile grows in her face, as 
               she thinks...) Thank God I
 
               
               took off my heels, and put on my... HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!!! 
               (lifting her arms up in
 
               
               the air, in ecstasy, as she says...) Yes!

               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

                             
               02 AM. Jean-Paul's sleeping at the sofa)
 
               
               
               (Kramer's apartment)

               
                             
               02 AM. Kramer snores. The heat pump 
               short circuits and blows the fuses on 
               the entire building)
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             
               02)

               
                             JERRY
               4:02? (Checks his wristwatch) Aaa-aaahhh! 
               Eight forty seven Jean-Paul! Wake up! 
               Wake uuuuup!
 
               
               (gets out of bedroom, in panic) Jean-Paul! The electricity went 
               out! Wake up! Wake up!
 
               
                             WE GOTTA GO! IT'S 8
               47!

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               8:47!? (jumps out of the sofa)

               
               (both running around, getting ready to go)

               
                             JERRY
               Come on, just put your clothes on! You'll 
               get dressed in the car!
 
               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Idiot! I trusted you!

               
               (Kramer comes in wrapped up in a blanket)

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, what happened to the building?! 
               The electricity went out!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, the heat pump blew all the fuses!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What happened to your mental alarm?!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I guess I hit the snooze... (Jerry runs 
               by Kramer and Kramer falls down)
 
               
               (New York marathon)

               
               (Jerry and Jean-Paul try to get to the starting line through 
               a crowd)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Make way! I've got-I've got a runner 
               here! Get outta the way! Make way! Make 
               way!
 
               
               Make way, it's a contender! (an event guard stops them)

               
                             GUARD
               Hey, hold it!

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               I'm late, man, I'm in the race!

               
                             GUARD
               Go ahead.

               
                             JEAN-PAUL
               Thank you Jerry, you're a wonderful 
               driver. Fantastic route, man!
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right, go, it's a race! Come on!
 
               
               
               (George Steinbrenner's office at the Yankee Stadium)

               
               (George comes in)

               
                             GEORGE
               You wanted to see me, Mr.Steinbrenner?
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Yes, George, come in, come in. George, 
               word up's you've been cracking under 
               the
 
               
               pressure. Can't cope, can't stand the heat. Spit the bit.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh no, Mr.Steinbrenner, I can explain...
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Oh we all get a little cuckoo sometimes 
               George, I used to be like you. Rating
 
               
               
               personnel 'till they cried, calling managers on the field during 
               a game, threatening
 
               
               to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I 
               found a way to relax.
 
               
               
               (New York marathon - Jerry, Elaine, Kramer)

               
               (They're waiting for the runners to run by. Kramer remains "fully" 
               dressed and is carrying a
 
               
               thermos with tea).

               
                             JERRY
               I'm tellin'you, I never told anyone 
               about that baby. I never even went near 
               your building!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Then how did she find out, Jerry?!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe you should check with the rabbi.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (to Elaine) You want some hot tea?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh no, thank you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. There's some runners. Here they 
               come!
 
               
               (The first runner to appear is Jean-Paul)

               
                             ELAINE
               There's Jean-Paul! He's up front! He's 
               leading! (jumping) Go Jean-Paul!(starts 
               screaming)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah! Yeah! Come on! (starts howling)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Come on, let's go Jean-Paul!

               
                             ELAINE
               Go Jean-Paaaaaul!

               
               (We switch over to Jean-Paul. We hear him breathing. We hear 
               his heart beating. Some people offer
 
               
               him drinks. Jean-Paul grabs one, Kramer's hot tea, and leaves 
               scene. Kramer gets very surprised.
 
               
               We then hear Jean-Paul screaming in pain, and it's not hard to 
               guess why. Kramer puts on a
 
               
               "whatta hell" look, Elaine puts on an "ouch" look and Jerry puts 
               on his "it's a shame" one.)
 
               
               (George and Mr.Steinbrenner inside a hot tub)

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               How're you enjoying it, George? Melts 
               that tension away, doesn't it? You gotta 
               get that jet on the good spot. Oh. Oh. 
               Uh. Uh. Yes, that feels good. Yes, that's 
               real good. Oh yeah, that's where I keep 
               all my tension. Right down to that chicken 
               bone. Sometimes I get my wife to just 
               stuck her thumb right in there like 
               a screwdriver. Ya know, the Phillips 
               head, not the flat one. Oh God, those 
               flat ones frustrate me. You got it in, 
               but it slips out. You put it in again, 
               slips out again. You a single man, George?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (bored to death) Well, I-I just recently 
               uh...
 
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               I'll tell you, if you wanna get something 
               wild goin'on in your life, you get a 
               girl and bring her to one o'these things. 
               Just like 4 shots a wild turkey. (laughs) 
               She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy. 
               (George starts sliding, until he gets 
               all his head -and glasses- under water, 
               as Steinbrenner keeps talking) A show, 
               about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it? 
               You know we used to talk. I don't think 
               he liked me very much, you know.
 
               
               
                             THE END



The Hot Tub



Writers :   Gregg Kavet  Andy Robin
Genres :   Comedy


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