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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE IMPLANT



                             Written by

                           Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people 
               today - liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking 
               machine. Now you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way 
               that this thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just 
               order it off the menu. 'I tell you what, give me the cheesecake, 
               crank me up to nine, and put a scoop of ice cream on the side.'
 
               
               
               
               Opening scene - Sidra on a Stairmaster at the New York Health 
               Club. Jerry enters after his workout w/gymbag in hand.
 
               
                             SIDRA
               Oh, hi Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten 
               minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of 
               course there's someone stretching in 
               front of me in a leotard, then I can 
               go an hour.
 
               
                             SIDRA
               Really.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a 
               Stairmaster. You get up there and you 
               stare.
 
               
                             SIDRA
               Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go 
               take a sauna.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'll see you Thursday night, 
               right?
 
               
                             SIDRA
               Thursday night.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
               Elaine walks over to Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Good workout?

               
                             JERRY
               Tremendous workout.

               
                             ELAINE
               That's a pretty girl.

               
                             JERRY
               Tremendous girl.

               
                             ELAINE
               She's the one you went out with last 
               night?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. I really like her.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, uh...they're fake.

               
                             JERRY
               What? Don't say that!

               
                             ELAINE
               Nah! They're fake!

               
                             JERRY
               How do you know?

               
                             ELAINE
               I can tell. You know how you're always 
               bragging how you can spot a lesbian?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not bragging, I happen to have a 
               very keen lesbian eye. (A woman walks 
               by Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.' 
               (Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to 
               confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they 
               seem a bit too perfect?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, they do!

               
                             ELAINE
               I never knew you were so into breasts. 
               I thought you were a leg man.
 
               
                             JERRY
               A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? 
               I don't need legs. I have legs. Have 
               you ever seen her naked in the locker 
               room?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony. 
               Maybe if you had seen her naked.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't want to see her naked.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I do.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, that's your problem.

               
                             JERRY
               Look, you made the allegation. The least 
               you could do is follow up.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna 
               go in there and spy on her in the sauna?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative 
               journalism. I need to know!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               But a few more dates and you can find 
               out for yourself!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't be so sure. Look at George - he's 
               on his ninth date with Betsy, he still 
               hasn't gotten anywhere with her.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What's his problem?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, every time he tries to make a 
               move, something screws up. Like on their 
               last date, they were on the couch, but 
               she was sitting on his wrong side.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Wrong side?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, she was on his right side. He 
               can't make a move with his left hand. 
               Can't go left.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He can't go left.

               
                             JERRY
               No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What 
               about women? Do they go left or right?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Nah, we just play defense.

               
               
               New scene - George and Betsy at Betsy's apartment. George tries 
               to make it to the right-hand side of the couch, but Betsy beats 
               him to it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Can I ask you a question? Would you 
               mind switching seats?
 
               
                             BETSY
               Oh, actually, I really prefer to sit 
               here. I don't hear very well out of 
               this ear (points to her right ear) so, 
               I always try to sit to the right of 
               people.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll shout.

               
                             BETSY
               Well, I really think I feel more comfortable 
               here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               C'mon, c'mon...(stands up and physically 
               rolls Betsy to the left side of the 
               couch.) See, now, is that so bad?
 
               
               
                             BETSY
               What? (The phone rings.)

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, the machine'll get it...

               
                             BETSY
               No, no, it's not on...

               
                             GEORGE
               They'll call back.

               
                             BETSY
               But George, what if it's an emergency?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               In the whole world right now, there's 
               maybe three emergencies. Why would you 
               think, on this entire planet, that you're 
               one of those three?
 
               
                             BETSY
               George, please. (Gets up and answers 
               the phone.) Hello? What? (shocked) Oh 
               my god!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, maybe four.

               
               
               New scene - Elaine at the health club, in the sauna with Sidra 
               and some other women. We hear her thoughts.
 
               
                             ELAINE'S BRAIN
               Boy, I'm really sweatin.' Good sweat, 
               beads of sweat...sweatin' bullets. (Notices 
               Sidra.) Look at her. I don't need to 
               see her naked to know those aren't real. 
               Why does she need to tie the towel around 
               her? She's got a rack on her chest. 
               (Sidra takes her towel off and lies 
               down.) Oh god! Sidra's takin' the towel 
               off! (Looks at Sidra's chest.) Whoa, 
               doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew 
               it, they're definitely fake.
 
               
               
               Cut back to George and Betsy at her apartment. Betsy's still 
               on the phone.
 
               
                             BETSY
               So, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice 
               was so ill, I guess it was really a 
               blessing. (George, on the couch behind 
               Betsy, is impatiently waiting for her 
               to get off the phone so he can continue 
               putting the moves on her. He shrugs, 
               and crosses himself.) Yeah, I'll fly 
               home as soon as I can. (George waves 
               goodbye, and mimics a plane flying through 
               the air with his hand.) O.k. You, too. 
               Get some sleep. (Betsy looks at George, 
               and he manufactures a completely phony 
               look of sorrow.)
 
               
               
               New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               You're sure?

               
                             ELAINE
               Positive! This chick's playin' with 
               confederate money.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well then, that's it. That's the end 
               of that.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? Just 'cause of that?

               
                             JERRY
               Just 'cause of that? It's like finding 
               out Mickey Mantle corked his bat!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, come on! You've dated women with 
               nosejobs, what's the difference?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You don't touch the nose! You don't 
               aspire to reach the nose. You don't 
               unhook anything to get to a nose, and 
               no man has ever tried to look up a woman's 
               nostril.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You've put a lot of thought into this, 
               haven't you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I take it very seriously.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, sometimes when I think you're 
               the shallowest man I've ever met, you 
               somehow manage to drain a little more 
               out of the pool.
 
               
               (Kramer enters.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what 
               fake breast feel like.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I know what they feel like.

               
                             JERRY
               You? How do you know?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three 
               months.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I thought you hated Los Angeles.

               
                             KRAMER
               I do! I just miss the warm weather, 
               y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could 
               get away.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Real busy now down at the office?

               
                             KRAMER
               No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health 
               club? Salman Rushdie.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well, 
               I can see that - you got five millions 
               Moslems after you, you wanna stay in 
               pretty good shape.
 
               
               
               New scene - Jerry, George and Kramer in the sauna at the health 
               club.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know what the problem is - I like 
               her too much. That's why I can't make 
               a move.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You put her on a pedestal.

               
                             KRAMER
               I put them on a dental chair.

               
                             JERRY
               He puts 'em on a dental chair.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be 
               her boyfriend.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Whoo. It's like a sauna in here.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's funny. You're a funny guy.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that 
               before. (To George) So, you goin' to 
               the funeral?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why, you think I should?

               
                             JERRY
               What, are you kidding? It's a golden 
               opportunity to advance the relationship. 
               She's crying, you put your arm around 
               her and console her...you're the consolation 
               guy!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm the consolation guy...?

               
                             KRAMER
               Consolation Guy is big.

               
                             JERRY
               Her aunt dying is the best thing that 
               ever happened to you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It's like ten dates in one shot.

               
                             JERRY
               This confers upon you instant boyfriend 
               status. The family's there...you're 
               taking care of things...you're gettin' 
               the sandwiches...you're the rock!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's in Detroit though, it's an expensive 
               flight.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why don't you get a "death in the family" 
               fare?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               In fact, listen...I'll go down there 
               with ya. You know, we'll tell them there's 
               a death in my family, you buy the ticket, 
               I'll split it...then I'll get the bonus 
               miles and you'll get to Detroit for 
               a quarter of the price!
 
               
               (George considers.)

               
               
               New scene - Elaine in the sauna again. We hear her thoughts.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE'S BRAIN
               Boy, I'm gettin' a good sweat here. 
               Great sweat, good beads. Nice beads.
 
               
               
               (Sidra enters the sauna with a friend.)

               
                             ELAINE'S BRAIN
               Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley."
 
               
               
                             SIDRA
               So anyway, we go out on one date, he 
               asks me out for a second, then out of 
               nowhere he cancels the date and says 
               he doesn't want to see me again.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.
 
               
               
                             SIDRA
               Oh, that's o.k.

               
                             ELAINE
               Did he give you a reason?

               
                             SIDRA
               Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             SIDRA
               He said she's mentally ill. He's one 
               of those guys who is obsessed with neatness 
               and order? Everything has gotta be just 
               so. He would have made a great Nazi.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?
 
               
               
                             SIDRA
               Yes! How did you know?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I know the type.

               
                             SIDRA
               So you can relate?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah.

               
                             SIDRA
               You know, I've seen you around the club. 
               My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. (Gets up to shake 
               Sidra's hand, but stumbles and falls 
               "right into them.")
 
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, 
               then suddenly I lost my balance and 
               I fell right into her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You fell on her?

               
                             ELAINE
               I touched 'em.

               
                             JERRY
               You what?

               
                             ELAINE
               I...touched...'em.

               
                             JERRY
               You touched 'em?!

               
                             ELAINE
               I needed them to help me break my fall! 
               If it hadn't been for them, I could 
               have really injured myself!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wow.

               
                             ELAINE
               Anyway...they're real.

               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me?!

               
                             ELAINE
               I think they might be real.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, what do you know, you have no breast 
               touching experience.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I've touched mine!

               
                             JERRY
               So have I.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, right...I forgot. (smiles)

               
                             JERRY
               Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't 
               make you an expert.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, well anyway, I think they're 
               real. And if they are, I must say they 
               are...spectacular.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Aw, what are you doin' to me? (puts 
               his head down on the counter.)
 
               
               
               New scene - George and Kramer at the airline ticket counter. 
               Kramer is pretending to be grief-stricken.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You see, my friend here, his aunt passed 
               away last night.
 
               
                             CLERK
               Oh, I'm very sorry.

               
                             KRAMER
               I saw her last week, she looked healthy 
               and peaceful, but...she knew...
 
               
                             CLERK
               You poor thing!

               
                             KRAMER
               I...I...

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't think you can buy the ticket 
               yourself...? No, there, there...you 
               sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for 
               you.
 
               
                             CLERK
               You're a good friend.

               
               
                             CLERK
               Yes, all you have to do is pay the full 
               fare now, then return to any one of 
               our counters with a copy of the death 
               certificate, and we'll refund half your 
               fare.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The death certificate?

               
                             CLERK
               Yes, yes, we do need documentation or 
               you know, people could take advantage.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What kind of a sick person would do 
               a thing like that?
 
               
                             CLERK
               I know! But it happens.

               
                             GEORGE
               You want my friend to ask his uncle, 
               a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, 
               for a death certificate so that he can 
               save a few bucks on a flight?
 
               
                             CLERK
               That would be $387 round-trip.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, so you'll need my frequent 
               flyer number, huh?
 
               
                             CLERK
               Yes.

               
               
               Cut back to Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, one minute you say they're 
               fake, the next minute you think they're 
               real...I don't know what to believe!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only 
               one who's touched 'em.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But you were just grabbing on to them 
               to save your life. If you were drowning 
               and I threw you a life preserver, you 
               think you could tell me if it was an 
               inflatable?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I wouldn't have said anything if I knew 
               you were going to stop seeing her!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I don't mind someone with a phony 
               personality, but I gotta draw the line 
               somewhere.
 
               
               (Kramer enters.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. George off to Detroit?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto 
               Rico.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy 
               at the health club...that is not Salman 
               Rushdie.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Pffft - wrong.

               
               
               New scene - Kramer and Jerry at the health club. They see "Salman 
               Rushdie" talking to Sidra.
 
               
                             JERRY
               There's Sidra.

               
                             KRAMER
               There's Salman.

               
                             JERRY
               Where?

               
                             KRAMER
               Talkin' to that woman.

               
                             JERRY
               Talkin' to Sidra?

               
                             KRAMER
               If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't think that's Salman.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I don't think they're real.

               
                             JERRY
               If that's Rushdie, they're real.

               
                             KRAMER
               If they're real, that's Rushdie.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to 
               Sidra.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman.
 
               
               
               
               New scene - Kramer and "Salman" sitting in the sauna together.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel 
               like I'm...back at the desert.
 
               
                             "SALMAN"
               You've lived in the desert?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent 
               a little time in the Mideast. You ever 
               been to the Mideast?
 
               
                             "SALMAN"
               Yes, I've been there.

               
                             KRAMER
               My name's Kramer.

               
                             "SALMAN"
               Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               So, uh...what kind of work do you do?
 
               
               
                             "SALMAN"
               I'm a writer.

               
               
               New scene - George and Betsy at Aunt Clarice's wake in Detroit.
 
               
               
                             BETSY
               Have you met my boyfriend George?

               
                             AUNT MAY
               No! (shakes George's hand.)

               
                             BETSY
               George, this is Aunt May, and Father 
               Jessup. Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy. 
               (Timmy smiles thinly.) This is my boyfriend, 
               George.
 
               
                             AUNT MAY
               Oh George, how nice of you to come all 
               this way.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, 
               what's the point of being the boyfriend? 
               This is where you have to be when you're 
               the boyfriend.
 
               
                             AUNT MAY
               Betsy, dear, have you had anything to 
               eat?
 
               
                             BETSY
               I'm not very hungry.

               
                             AUNT MAY
               They have some very nice snacks.

               
                             FATHER JESSUP
               I'm about to get myself a snack.

               
               (Betsy starts to go for a snack.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I 
               will get you a nice snack.
 
               
               (George goes into the other room and meets Father Jessup.)

               
                             FATHER JESSUP
               This is my third wake this month. It 
               never gets any easier.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, losing a loved is, uh...I mean, 
               forget about it. (Starts wolfing down 
               the sandwiches.)
 
               
                             FATHER JESSUP
               You seem to be of great comfort to Betsy, 
               we're very appreciative.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father, 
               can I ask you a question? In a terrible 
               time like this...who would I get the 
               death certificate from?
 
               
               
               New scene - Jerry and Kramer entering Jerry's apartment after 
               returning from the health club.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, how can you be so sure?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. 
               He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, 
               Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with 
               bass! He just substituted one fish for 
               another!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Look, you idiot, first of all, it's 
               Salman, not salmon!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big 
               picture!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I 
               gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over 
               in a few minutes, so if you don't mind...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What, did you ask her?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm gonna find out tonight.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yes indeed...

               
               
               Cut back to George at the wake in Detroit.

               
                             DR. ALLENWOOD
               Why do you need a death certificate?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping 
               to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary 
               - scrapbook of her life. Something that 
               Betsy could have, and hold onto.
 
               
                             DR. ALLENWOOD
               Well, I suppose I could make a copy 
               of it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, that would be wonderful.

               
                             DR. ALLENWOOD
               It was very nice meeting you, George.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Likewise.

               
               (George walks over to the snack table as Timmy watches him from 
               across the room. He takes a chip from the bowl, dips it, takes 
               a bite, and then dips again. Timmy hurriedly comes over.)
 
               
                             TIMMY
               What are you doing?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             TIMMY
               Did...did you just double-dip that chip?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me?

               
                             TIMMY
               You double-dipped the chip!

               
                             GEORGE
               "Double-dipped"? What are you talking 
               about?
 
               
                             TIMMY
               You dipped the chip. You took a bite. 
               (points at the dip) And you dipped again.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So...?

               
                             TIMMY
               That's like putting your whole mouth 
               right in the dip! From now on, when 
               you take a chip - just take one dip 
               and end it!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't 
               dip that way. (takes a chip.)
 
               
                             TIMMY
               Oh, you don't, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               No. (dips the chip) You dip the way 
               you want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll 
               dip the way I want to dip. (dips the 
               chip again.)
 
               
                             TIMMY
               Gimme the chip! (Grabs George and the 
               chip goes flying.) Gimme the chip! (They 
               struggle in front of the snack table.)
 
               
               
               
               New scene - Night-time; Jerry and Sidra in Jerry's apartment.
 
               
               
                             SIDRA
               I don't know what I'm doing here, I 
               must be crazy. (Moves to the couch and 
               sits on the left side. Jerry tries to 
               run over and beat her to it, but doesn't 
               make it. He sits down on the right side.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, would you mind switching seats?
 
               
               
                             SIDRA
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting 
               to the left of people, makes me feel 
               like I'm driving.
 
               
                             SIDRA
               O.K....(they switch places.)

               
                             JERRY
               How ya doin'?

               
                             SIDRA
               Good. How you doin'?

               
                             JERRY
               Good, feel good...you know that Jayne 
               Mansfield had some big breasts. Really 
               big, huge...just coming out the top 
               of her dress, they were like, chokin' 
               her.
 
               
                             SIDRA
               I hear that's how she died.

               
                             JERRY
               Have you noticed that women today are, 
               you know, they seem...bigger.
 
               
                             SIDRA
               Well, a lot of women are having them 
               done.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             SIDRA
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               How do you like that.

               
                             SIDRA
               A lot of people ask me if I've had mine 
               done.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Aw, you know people.

               
                             SIDRA
               It gets a little tiring, it's really 
               none of their business.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, the nerve. You know, some people 
               have asked me if you've uh, done that.
 
               
               
                             SIDRA
               What do you tell them?

               
                             JERRY
               Whatever you want me to tell them.
 
               
               
                             SIDRA
               Well, I think you'll find out soon enough. 
               (They prepare to kiss. There's a loud 
               bang on the door.) Aren't you going 
               to get that?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             SIDRA
               What if it's an emergency?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, there's no emergency...

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency!

               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me. (Gets up and answers the 
               door.) Alright, what is it? You're interrupting!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto 
               Rico, I need to borrow your bathing 
               suit.
 
               
                             JERRY
               This is an emergency? You need a bathing 
               suit?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I like yours.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, my bathing suit? That's 
               a little familiar, I don't want your...your 
               boys down there.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon, what's wrong with my boys?

               
                             JERRY
               Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, c'mon!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry 
               up. (Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine 
               enters.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, Jer.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh...hi, Sidra -

               
                             SIDRA
               Hi...Elaine? (Kramer comes back into 
               the living room.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing here?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm looking for Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, she was just showing me pictures 
               of places I can visit when I go to Puerto 
               Rico...you know, when you two went down 
               there?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh. yeah. Alright. (pushes Kramer and 
               Elaine out the door, then sits next 
               to Sidra on the couch.) So, where were 
               we?
 
               
                             SIDRA
               I was just leaving.

               
                             JERRY
               Right, you were leaving.

               
                             SIDRA
               I can't believe you sent a woman into 
               the sauna to do that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That was an accident!

               
                             SIDRA
               I think you're both mentally ill. (leaves, 
               then opens the door again.) And by the 
               way...they're real, and they're spectacular. 
               (Sidra leaves.)
 
               
               
               Cut back to an exterior shot of the funeral home in Detroit. 
               We hear the commotion of George and Timmy fighting.
 
               
                             BETSY
               Stop it, George! Get out! Get out! I 
               never want to see you again!
 
               
                             DR. ALLENWOOD
               Go back to New York! Get out!

               
               
               New scene of a disheveled George at the airport in Detroit, talking 
               to Clerk no. 2.
 
               
                             CLERK 2
               Alright sir, now all I need is a death 
               certificate and you'll be on your way.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you see, what happened was...the 
               doctor - the very same doctor that was 
               attending to my late aunt - suffered 
               an untimely stroke, and lost the use 
               of his right hand, so...obviously I 
               was unable to get the death certificate. 
               However, I do have this. (Reaches inside 
               his coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.)
 
               
               
                             CLERK 2
               What's this?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's a picture of me next to the coffin.
 
               
               
               (We see a photo of George standing next to a coffin.)

               
                             CLERK 2
               Nice try.

               
                             GEORGE
               Not even close, huh?

               
               
                             THE END



The Implant



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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