THE JACKET
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Night club)
JERRY
I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying
them. I hate picking them out of my
closet. I can't stand every day trying
to come up with little outfits for myself.
I think
eventually fashion won't even exist. It won't. I think eventually
we'll all be wearing the same thing. 'Cause anytime I see a movie
or a TV show where there's people
from the future of another planet, they're all wearing the same
thing. Somehow they decided "This is going to be our outfit.
One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and
boots. That's it." We should come up for an outfit for earth.
An earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different
outfits, no speeches. They walk out,
twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, "That was
nice. I could wear that."
(Scene ends)
(Clothing store)
JERRY
I think I've seen enough.
SALESMAN
Well, I might have something in the
back.
ELAINE
The back? They never find anything in
the back. If they had anything good
in the back, they'd put it out in the
front.
JERRY
Why don't they open up an entire store
for the back? Call it, "Just Back."
All back. No front. You walk in the
front, you're immediately in the back.
(Picks
up a tie display) Look, Elaine, tie car wash.
CUSTOMER
(Sees the book Elaine is holding) Oh,
I just read that. That's terrific.
JERRY
(Pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote
that.
CUSTOMER
Alton Benes is your father?
ELAINE
Yeah.
CUSTOMER
I always felt he deserved a wider audience.
ELAINE
I'm not so sure he wants one. (Customer
leaves) Hey, don't forget Sunday, okay?
You and George are coming, right? Hotel
Westbury, eight o' clock.
JERRY
..I guess I'm coming.. I mean..
ELAINE
What? What, you don't want to go now?
JERRY
No, I'll go. I'm going.
ELAINE
No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer.
You know, I haven't seen my father in
a while and.. you know.
JERRY
I'm worried I won't be able to talk
to him. He's such a great writer. Frankly,
I perfer the company of nitwits.
ELAINE
So, that's why we're not togeter anymore.
JERRY
(Looks at a jacket) What is this? (Holds
it up) This is beautiful.. but these
jackets never fit me right.
ELAINE
Try it on. (Feels it) Wow, this is soft
suede.
JERRY
This may be the most perfect jacket
I have ever put on. (Elaine grabs the
tag) How much is it?
ELAINE
(Shocked) Oh my God.
JERRY
Bad? (Elaine nods) ..Very bad?
ELAINE
You have no idea.
JERRY
I have some idea.
ELAINE
No idea.
JERRY
I've got a ballpark.
ELAINE
There is no park and the team has relocated.
JERRY
(Looks at the tag) ..That is high.
ELAINE
Oh man, that is a beautiful jacket,
though.
JERRY
(Looking at the insides of the jacket)
What's with the pink lining and the
candy stripes?
ELAINE
Well, it's just a lining. You can always
have it changed.
JERRY
Should I get it? I hate these moments.
I'm hearing the dual voices now, you
know. "What about the money?" "What's
money?"
SALESMAN
It looks wonderful on you.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's sitting on his couch wearing his pajamas and his new
jacket. He gets up to look at his jacket in the mirror. Kramer
enters)
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Hey. New jacket?
JERRY
What do you think?
KRAMER
It's beautiful.
JERRY
Is it me?
KRAMER
That's definitely you.
JERRY
Really?
KRAMER
That's more you than you've ever been.
(Starts looking the jacket over) What
is with the pink lining?
JERRY
I don't know. It's got a pink lining.
KRAMER
Oh.. So, what did you pay for this?
JERRY
I paid what it costs.
KRAMER
How much?
JERRY
What's the difference?
KRAMER
What, you're not gonna tell me?
JERRY
I'd rather not say it out loud. It's
embarrassing.
KRAMER
Over three hundred?
JERRY
Yes, but let's just stop it right there.
KRAMER
It's over four hundred?
JERRY
Really, I'm not answering anymore.
KRAMER
Is it over four hundred?
JERRY
Would you?
KRAMER
(Finds the tag) Woah, Nelson!
JERRY
I know, I know.
KRAMER
(Talking about his old jacket) What
are you gonna do with the leather one?
JERRY
I don't know.
KRAMER
Well, are you gonna wear it?
JERRY
Maybe.
KRAMER
(Looking over the leather jacket) You're
not going to wear this.
JERRY
Do you want it?
KRAMER
Well, yeah. Okay. I'll take it.. I like
the jacket.
JERRY
(Takes one last look at the leather
jacket) ..Okay, take it.
KRAMER
Good karma for you. (Kramer puts on
his new jacket, and stands next to Jerry,
looking in the mirror.) Oh baby.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(George enters singing "Master Of the House" - a Les Miserables
show tune)
GEORGE
"Master of the house.. doling out the
charm, ready with a handshake and an
open palm. Tells a saucy talke, loves
to make a stir everyone appreciates
a.."
JERRY
What is that song?
GEORGE
Oh, it's from Les Miserables. I went
to see it last wee. I can't get it out
of my head. I just keep singing it over
and over. It just comes out. I have
no
control over it. I'm singing it on elevators, buses. I sing it
infront of clients. It's taking over my life.
JERRY
You know, Schumann went mad from that.
GEORGE
Artie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee?
JERRY
No, you idiot.
GEORGE
What are you, Bud Abbott? What, are
you calling my an idiot?
JERRY
You don't know Rober Schumann? The composer?
GEORGE
Oh, Schumann. Of course.
JERRY
(Trying to scare George) He went crazy
from one note. He couldn't get it out
of his head. I think it was an A. He
kept repeating it over and over again.
He
had to be institutionalized.
GEORGE
Really? ..Well, what if it doesn't stop?
(Jerry gestures "That's the breaks."
George gasps) Oh, that I really needed
to hear. That helps a lot! Alright,
just
say something. Just start talking. Change the subject.. Let's
just go, alright? I can't believe we're having dinner with Alton
Benes.
JERRY
I know exactly what's goin to happen
tonight. I'm gonna try and act like
I'm not impressed, he's gonna see right
through it.
GEORGE
Yeah, he'll be looking at us like he's
backstage at a puppet show.
JERRY
Let me just get my jacket. (Moves to
the bedroom)
GEORGE
"Master of the house, keeper of the
inn.." (Jerry proudly models his new
jacket infront of George. George looks
in admiration at the jacket) This is
huge!
When did this happen?
JERRY
Wednesday. This jacket has completely
changed my life. When I leave the house
in this, it's with a whole different
confidence. Like tonight, I might've
been
a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded,
secure that I can meet an social challenge.
GEORGE
(Nods) Can I say one thing to you? And
I say this wiht an unblemished record
of staunch heterosexuality.
JERRY
Absolutely.
GEORGE
..It's fabulous.
JERRY
I know.
GEORGE
And I'll tell you something else, I'm
not even going to ask you. I want to
know. But I'm not going to ask. You'll
tell me when you feel comfortable..
So
what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred
for this? (Jerry's acting coy throughout the whole thing) Over
six? Can't be seven. Don't tell my
you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven
hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to
me?! You are sick! Is that what you
paid for this jacket?! Over seven hundred? What did you pay for
this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid
for this jacket! Oh my God! A
thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?!
Alright, fine. I'm walking out of here right now thinking you
paid a thousand dollars for this jacket,
unless you tell me different. (Jerry still coy, stays silent)
Oh, ho! Alright! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything
in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a
thousand..
(Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid?
JERRY
Well, what kind of solid?
KRAMER
I need you to sit in the car for two
minutes while it's double-parked. I
gotta pick up some birds.
JERRY
Birds?
KRAMER
Yeah. A friend of mine, he's a magician.
He's going away on vacation. He asked
me to take care of his doves.
JERRY
So take a cab.
KRAMER
They won't take a cage full of birds.
JERRY
I can't. I'm on my way out. There's
no way I can do it.
KRAMER
George, do me a solid? Two minutes.
GEORGE
Well, I'm going with him. I'd like to,
I've never done a solid before.
KRAMER
Alright.. yeah.. alright, have a good
one.
(Kramer leaves)
JERRY
(Scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I
know his two minutes.. By his conception
of time, his life will last over two
thousand years.
(Scene ends)
(Hotel lobby)
(Jerry and George enter. George's singing "Master of the House")
GEORGE
"Master of the House. Quick to catch
your eye, never wants a passerby to
pass him by."
JERRY
(Points to his head) Schumann. (George
gets visibly scared) Where are they?
GEORGE
Maybe he didn't show up.
JERRY
What, you don't want to do this?
GEORGE
I don't think there's ever been an appointment
in my life where I wanted the other
guy to show up.
GEORGE
(Sees an elderly man sitting on a leather
chair) Wait a second, is that him?
JERRY
Yeah, I think it is. (They walk tward
him) Where's Elaine?
GEORGE
I'm nervous.
JERRY
Excuse me.. Mister Benes?
ALTON
Yeah?
JERRY
I'm Jerry. Elaine's friend.. and this
is George.
GEORGE
(Holds out his hand for a handshake)
It's a great thrill to meet you, Sir.
(Alton starts hacking, George withdraws his hand)
ALTON
Sit down. Want a drink?
JERRY
Sure.
ALTON
(Summons waiter) What do you have?
JERRY
(To waiter) I'll have a cranberry juice
with two limes.
GEORGE
And, I'll have a club soda with no ice.
BENES
(Gives both Jerry and George a look)
I'll have another Scotch with plenty
of ice.
GEORGE
You like ice?
ALTON
Huh?
GEORGE
I said, do you like ice?
ALTON
Like it?
GEORGE
Don't you think you get more without
it?
ALTON
(Pauses) Where's Elaine?
JERRY
Well, we thought she was meeting you
earlier. She's usually pretty punctual.
(Alton remains quiet) ..Don't you find
that, George?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. She's punctual.. and she's
been late sometimes.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah. Sometimes she's on time,
and sometimes she's late.
GEORGE
I guess today she's late.
JERRY
It appears that way.
GEORGE
Yep.
JERRY
Yep.
(Both Jerry and George look at the door, anticipating Elaine's
arrival)
ALTON
Looks like rain.
GEORGE
(Perks up) I know, I know, that's what
they said.
ALTON
Who said?
GEORGE
The weather guy, Dr. Waldo.
ALTON
I don't need anybody to tell me it's
gonna rain.
GEORGE
No, of course not. I didn't..
ALTON
All I have to do is stick my head out
the window. (Waiter shows up with the
drinks) Which one's suppose to be the
funny guy?
GEORGE
(Pointing at Jerry) Oh, he's the comedian.
JERRY
I'm just a regular person.
GEORGE
No, no. He's just being modest.
ALTON
We had a funny guy with us in Korea.
A tailgunner. They blew his brains out
all over the Pacific. (Long pause) There's
nothing funny about that.
(Jerry and George turn to the door again)
JERRY
Would you excuse me a minute? I'm gonna
go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
(Jerry leaves. George is left alone with Alton)
GEORGE
I just wanted to tell you that I really
enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was
just brilliant.
ALTON
Drivel.
GEORGE
Maybe some parts.
ALTON
What parts?
GEORGE
The drivel parts.. Oh my gosh, I just
realized - I have to make a phone call.
I can believe.. would you.. (Gets up,
and leaves)
(Scene cuts to the hotel bathroom)
GEORGE
Thank you for leaving me alone with
him!
JERRY
That was brutal. I can't go back out
there.
GEORGE
Well, let's just leave.
JERRY
Elaine'll kill me.
GEORGE
Where is she?
JERRY
She's gotta be here soon.
GEORGE
How could she leave us alone with this
lunatic? Ten more minutes, and that's
it! I'm leaving. I have to tell you,
this guy scares me.
JERRY
The waiter was trembling.
GEORGE
If she doesn't show up, we can't possibly
have dinner with him alone.
JERRY
How are we gonna get out of it?
GEORGE
We'll say we're frightened and we have
to go home.
JERRY
Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads
together like Moe.
GEORGE
I don't know. Just start scratching.
Tell him you have the crabs. He was
in the military. He'll understand that.
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
All fathers are intimidating. They're
intimidating because they are fathers.
Once a man has children, for the rest
of his life, his attitude is, "To hell
with the
world, I can make my own people. I'll eat whatever I want. I'll
wear whatever I want, and I'll create whoever I want."
(Scene ends)
(Hotel lobby)
(Jerry and George come back from the bathroom)
ALTON
Who'd you call?
GEORGE
(Caught off guard) My uncle is having
an operation. I just wanted to see how
he was.
ALTON
What kind of operation?
GEORGE
Bone marrow.
(Manager approaches)
MANAGER
Mister Benes?
ALTON
Yes?
MANAGER
A message for you. (Hands him a message)
ALTON
From Elaine. She got tied up. She'll
be here in thirty minutes. (Jerry and
George freeze)
(Scene ends)
(Hotel lobby)
ALTON
Yeah, they should've taken care of Castro
when they had the chance. Like we did
in Guatamala in 'fifty-three.
JERRY
(Adding) Well, Guatamala.
GEORGE
Sure, Guatamala.
ALTON
(Gets up) Alright, you boys get yourselves
together. We'll head up to the restaurant.
I'll leave a note for Elaine. I'm going
to the bathroom. (Leaves)
GEORGE
Come on, let's go!
JERRY
What about Elaine?
GEORGE
To hell with Elaine!
JERRY
She'll be furious.
GEORGE
We're dying here!
(Elaine enters)
JERRY
That's her! She's here!
ELAINE
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Where is Dad?
GEORGE
(Mocking Alton's voice) He's in the
bathroom.
JERRY
Where have you been?!
ELAINE
Kramer, that .. Kramer! I'm just about
to leave, he calls me up. He begs me
to sit in his car for two minutes, so
he can pick up these birds..
JERRY
Oh, you didn't..
ELAINE
Well, he said he'd drive me here right
after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty
minutes! he doesn't come down. I am
freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells
me
to get out of the car. He's a city marshal. He's towing the car
away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was
going to tow it with me in the car!
So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing,
but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to
the car.. so, finally, he finally
comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he
was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different
diet. So, we're wandering around trying
to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now we're running
down the street after these doves. I almost got hit by a bus.
(Sits down, takes a deep breath) ..So
how's everything going over here?
JERRY
(After hearing Elaine's story, his is..)
Great.
GEORGE
Couldn't be better.
ELAINE
Good. 'Cause Dad can make some people
a little uncomfortable.
JERRY
Oh, no, no.
GEORGE
Get outta here..
ELAINE
Man, Kramer! I could kill him.
JERRY
I can't believe it. You know better
than to get involved with Kramer.
ELAINE
He said he'd give me a lift.
JERRY
Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the siren's
song. Never what it seems to be, yet
who among us can resist?
GEORGE
Where do you come up with this stuff?
ALTON
(Returns) Well, look who's here.
ELAINE
Oh, Hi, Dad.
ALTON
(Kisses Elaine) Hello, dear. Who's the
lipstick for?
ELAINE
No one.
ALTON
..How's your mother?
ELAINE
Fine.
ALTON
How about you? Are you working?
ELAINE
Yeah, I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant
Publishing. I told you ten times.
ALTON
Pendant, those bastards.. Alright, boys.
We'll go to that Pakistani restaurant
on 46th Street. You're not afraid of
a little spice, are you?
(They all head for the door. Jerry and George trail behind a
little)
GEORGE
"Master of the house, doling out the
charm. Ready with a handshake and an
open.."
ALTON
Pipe down, chorus boy.
(Alton glares, George gets embarrassed)
ELAINE
Ohh.. it's snowing. It's beautiful.
JERRY
(To George) Snow.. snow, that can't
be good for suede, can it?
GEORGE
I wouldn't think so.
JERRY
What should I do? (To Alton) We're taking
a cab, aren't we?
ALTON
Cab? It's only five blocks.
GEORGE
(To Jerry) Why don't you just turn it
inside out?
JERRY
Inside out! Great.
(Jery turns his jacket inside out, showing of the pink striped
insides. Alton stops him before Jerry can leave the hotel)
ALTON
Wait a minute. What the hell do you
call this?
JERRY
Oh, I turned my jacket inside out.
ALTON
Well, you look like a damn fool!
JERRY
(Like a child) Well, it's a new suede
jacket. It might get ruined.
ALTON
Well, you're not going to walk down
the street with my and my daughter dressed
like that! That's for damn sure!
(Jerry looks at George)
GEORGE
It's only a few blocks.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's heading out, the intercom buzzes)
JERRY
(Into intercom) Elaine?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Come on up.
(Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
I've gotta feed the birds.
JERRY
So?..
KRAMER
You got any of those mini Ritzes?
(Jerry reaches up, and pulls out some mini Ritzes)
JERRY
I can't believe I do.
KRAMER
Yeah! ..Well, are you going out?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Hey, where's your new jacket? (Jerry
points to the jacket hanging in the
bathroom. It's ruined, and unwearable)
What? (Kramer enters the bathroom,
he's shocked at the sight of the jacket) Ohhh. What did you do
to it?
JERRY
I was out in the snow last night.
KRAMER
Don't youk now what that does to suede?
JERRY
I have an idea. (Elaine enters) We can
make the nine-thirty at Cinema III.
ELAINE
Okay.. (To Kramer) Hello. (To Jerry)
Listen, thanks again for coming last
night. Dad said he had a great time.
JERRY
Is he still in town?
ELAINE
No, he's driving back to Maryland tonight.
KRAMER
(Talking about the ruined jacket) So,
uh.. what are you gonna do with that
one now?
JERRY
I don't know.
KRAMER
Well?..
ELAINE
(To Jerry) I didn't want to tell you
this, but usually he hates everyone.
JERRY
Really?
KRAMER
You gonna throw this out?
JERRY
Well, I can't wear it.
ELAINE
(To Jerry) Yeah, he like you though.
Said you reminded him of somebody he
knew in Korea.
KRAMER
Well, if you're just gonna throw it
out, you know, I could take it.
JERRY
Yeah, go ahead, take it.
ELAINE
Dad thinks George is gay.
JERRY
Oh, because of all that singing?
ELAINE
No, he pretty much thinks everyone is
gay.
(Kramer returns from the bathroom wearing the ruined suede jacket)
KRAMER
Hey, see, I like it like this.
ELAINE
(Pointing at the jacket Kramer's wearing)
Isnt' that..? (Jerry nods) Oh, is this
fromt he snow last night? (Jerry nods
again) Ugh.. you know what you
should've done? You should've turned it inside out.
JERRY
I'll try and remember that.
KRAMER
(Talking about the leather jacket from
the start of the show) Boy, it's too
bad you gave me this one too.
JERRY
(Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad.
KRAMER
I'm gonna have to do something about
this lining.
(Kramer exits, Scene ends)
(Alton Benes' car)
(Alton is driving home, then all the sudden, he starts to sing)
ALTON
"Master of the house doling out the
charm, ready with a handshake and an
open palm.."
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
I had a leather jacket that got ruined.
Now, why does moisture ruin leather?
I don't get this. Aren't cows ouside
most of the time? I don't understand
it.
When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in,
we're all wearing leather.. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the
whole outfit here.." "Is it suede?" "I am
suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's
all I got!"
THE END
|
