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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE JUNIOR MINT



                             Written by

                             Andy Robin




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You can't just *have* an adultery-- 
               you *commit* adultery. And you
 
               
               can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment.
 
               
               
               So you have to make the commitment before you can even think 
               about
 
               
               committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once
 
               
               
               you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get 
               caught,
 
               
               get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But 
               y'know
 
               
               some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating
 
               
               
               with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning
 
               
               
               to the robber next to you and goin' "Alright, gimme everything 
               you
 
               
               have, too". 

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You met her at the supermarket? How 
               did you do that?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Produce section. *Very* provocative 
               area. A lot of melons and
 
               
               shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So when're you gonna see her?

               
                             JERRY
               Tonight.

               
                             GEORGE
               What's her name?

               
                             JERRY
               I... don't... know...

               
                             GEORGE
               How could you not know her name?

               
                             JERRY
               I was a little nervous, I got distracted. 
               It has something to do
 
               
               with a car, or a fish...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look at that. Why do I get bananas? 
               They're good for *one* day...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got 
               a letter today from the
 
               
               State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public 
               school
 
               
               back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the
 
               
               
               Lincoln Savings Bank.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I did that too.

               
                             GEORGE
               You remember the, the little bank book, 
               there?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sure.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, so I haven't put anything in 
               it since sixth grade, I
 
               
               completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks
 
               
               
               me down. The interest has accumulated to 1 900 dollars. 1 900
 
               
               
               dollars! They're sending me a cheque!

               
                             JERRY
               Wow!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. 
               You make money without
 
               
               doing anything...

               
                             JERRY
               Y'know I have friends who try to base 
               their whole life on that
 
               
               principle.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really? Who?

               
                             JERRY
               Nobody you know...

               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put 
               it all on a horse...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why don't you put it in the *bank*?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               The *bank*? This is *found* money. I 
               want to *parlay* it. I wanna
 
               
               make a big score!

               
                             JERRY
               *Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What's with the gloves?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm staining my floors and, y'know, 
               I don't want to get my
 
               
               hands dirty...

               
                             GEORGE
               What, the whole apartment?

               
                             KRAMER
               The whole apartment. And I'm buying 
               that fake wood wallpaper. I'm
 
               
               gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin.
 
               
               
               'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry (Snaps fingers)... 
               Wood.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What, you rented "Home Alone"?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               I thought you saw that already...

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I saw "Home Alone II".

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, right... But you *hated* it!

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I was lost, I never saw the first 
               one. By the way, do you
 
               
               mind if I watch it here?

               
                             JERRY
               What for?

               
                             JERRY
               Because if I watch it at my apartment 
               I feel like I'm not doing
 
               
               anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing
 
               
               
               something.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I can't work with these!

               
                             JERRY
               What's wrong?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. 
               There's no *fine touch*...
 
               
                             JERRY
               You said "gloves"...

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, these are too thick.

               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oooh, is that "Home Alone"?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. The *original*.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey Boys-O!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Remember Roy, the artist?

               
                             JERRY
               Right, the "triangle" guy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Exactly, the "triangle" guy.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you liked him. What happened with 
               him?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah I did. He was very talented. He 
               was just a little too...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Artsy?

               
                             ELAINE
               Fat.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
                             ELAINE
               He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. 
               That's very rare. Anyway,
 
               
               he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should 
               go
 
               
               visit him.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, Jerry can you do me a favour? 
               Could you go into the room
 
               
               with me to visit him because I don't want him to think that I'm,
 
               
               
               y'know... interested.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you want me to pretend to be your 
               boyfriend.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well...

               
                             JERRY
               Well I think I can do that. I believe 
               I've played that role before
 
               
               to some critical acclaim.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What's with him?

               
                             JERRY
               Y'know a lot of people have asked that...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Roy!

               
                             ROY
               *Elaine*! What a *surprise*.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognise you! 
               You look so...
 
               
                             ROY
               I've lost some weight...

               
                             ELAINE
               A *lot* of weight.

               
                             ROY
               I know.

               
                             ELAINE
               You look ter*rific*.

               
                             ROY
               Thank you. So do you.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               This is... uh... you *really* lost weight.
 
               
               
                             ROY
               Thank you.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             WOMAN
               Waaaaaaaaa!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, the mother lode!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe it! You were *huge*! 
               Like blubber! I couldn't
 
               
               even get my arms around you...

               
                             ROY
               Yes, I remember.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well that's the positive thing about 
               getting sick, you get to lose
 
               
               weight.

               
                             ROY
               Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was 
               you.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ROY
               After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. 
               I couldn't eat for
 
               
               weeks.

               
                             ELAINE
               *Get* *out*!

               
                             ROY
               Really, it's the truth.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, did you hear that? He couldn't 
               eat for weeks...
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's terrible...

               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I had no idea I had that kind of effect 
               on you.
 
               
                             ROY
               You did.

               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know I can't get this damn thing 
               to sleep...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Now listen, tell me something. When 
               are you gettin out of here?
 
               
                             ROY
               Next Thursday.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, I'll tell you what. How about 
               on Friday I take you out for
 
               
               a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos 
               next Friday?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No that's the week after.

               
                             JERRY
               No, I believe it's next week.

               
                             ELAINE
               You're wrong.

               
                             JERRY
               No I'm not...

               
                             ELAINE
               Shut up...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Pay dirt!

               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh Roy, this is Kramer-- he's one of 
               our friends.
 
               
                             ROY
               How do you do?

               
                             KRAMER
               I do great.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               Hi Roy.

               
                             ROY
               Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Doc, check this out. (does an around-the-world) 
               I *just*
 
               
               learned that.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               I just wanted to stop by to see if you 
               had any questions about
 
               
               tomorrow's operation.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I have a question. What do you 
               know about inter-abdominal
 
               
               retractors?

               
                             DOCTOR
               Are you asking because you saw "20/20" 
               last night?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I sure am.

               
                             DOCTOR
               Well that report was about *one* very 
               specific type of retractor
 
               
               and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor 
               in
 
               
               your friend's procedure.

               
                             KRAMER
               But you *will* use... a retractor.
 
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               We have to...

               
                             KRAMER
               Mmm-hmm...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               Tell you what. You're obviously concerned 
               about your friend's
 
               
               welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's

               
               operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch 
               it
 
               
               with them?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I dunno...

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the 
               operation. They're gonna cut
 
               
               him open. His guts'll be all over the place...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's true...

               
                             KRAMER
               ...They'll saw through bone. (makes 
               saw noises while gesturing over
 
               
               Roy's chest) You'll see what's *inside* bone...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi...

               
                             JERRY
               What are doing, you crying??

               
                             GEORGE
               No...

               
                             JERRY
               You crying from "Home Alone"??

               
                             GEORGE
               The old man got to me.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, just get yourself together... 
               I dunno if I can be friends
 
               
               with you anymore after this display

               
                             GEORGE
               Shut up! What are you doing back so 
               soon, anyway?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer 
               got the gloves and wanted
 
               
               to get home and start working on his floor.

               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How's the guy?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine 
               are getting pretty chummy.
 
               
               Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's nerve...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can 
               go out to fancy restaurants.
 
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale 
               Syndrome". He falls
 
               
               ill; she falls in love.

               
                             JERRY
               You mean Florence Nightingale.

               
                             GEORGE
               What'd I say? Clara?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Clara Barton? What did she do?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not sure, but I think she was nice.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Susan B. Anthony I think I'd have a 
               problem with.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I think you would.

               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So, you gonna buy his art?

               
                             JERRY
               No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1 
               900 dollars.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. 
               Alright, I'm outta here.
 
               
               Have fun with what's-her-name.

               
                             JERRY
               I will.

               
                             GEORGE
               Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. 
               It's so embarrassing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, it isn't. I can find out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah? How?

               
                             JERRY
               There are ways.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin 
               up, kids would make fun
 
               
               of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry",
 
               
               
               "Seinsmelled"...

               
                             WOMAN
               "Seinsmelled"?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. What about you? Did people make 
               fun of your name?
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Are you kidding? They were merciless! 
               What do you expect when your
 
               
               name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not
 
               
               
               everybody can be as sweet as you are.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             WOMAN
               Oh, Jerry...

               
                             JERRY
               Oh... *you*...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... 
               Kest...
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Rest... Sest... Hest...

               
                             JERRY
               "Hest"? That's not a name.

               
                             GEORGE
               What, you should've just asked her.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know, I should've asked her.

               
                             GEORGE
               What're you gonna do now?

               
                             JERRY
               I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already 
               made out with her. Once
 
               
               you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.

               
                             GEORGE
               Aretha!

               
                             JERRY
               No...

               
                             GEORGE
               Bovary!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, that's enough.

               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, well you know what you gotta 
               do, you gotta go through her
 
               
               purse. Y'know, the credit cards, driver's license...

               
                             JERRY
               How am I gonna do that?

               
                             GEORGE
               When she goes to the bathroom.

               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, there you are. My date stood me 
               up. Listen, will you guys
 
               
               go to the operation with me?

               
                             JERRY
               You asked a date to go to the operation?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah... So c'mon, what d'you say?

               
                             GEORGE
               What kind of operation is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Spleenectomy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Isn't that where they remove the--
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen 
               it yet!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon, what d'you say?

               
                             GEORGE
               Mulva!

               
                             JERRY
               Mulva?

               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon, do you wanna go?

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, alright. Just let me finish 
               my coffee... then we'll go
 
               
               watch them slice this fat bastard up.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, 
               exposing the body's internal
 
               
               organs. Nurse-- retractor.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What are you eating?

               
                             KRAMER
               Junior Mints. Do you want one?

               
                             JERRY
               No...

               
                             KRAMER
               I can't see... Psst....

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Where'd you get those?

               
                             KRAMER
               The machine. You want one? Here, take 
               one.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't want any!

               
                             KRAMER
               No, they're good!

               
                             JERRY
               I don't want any!

               
                             KRAMER
               Just take one.

               
                             JERRY
               No! Kramer, stop it!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             
               30)

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               ...Over the balcony, bounced off some 
               respirator thing *into* the
 
               
               patient!

               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean "into the patient"?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Into the patient, *literally*!

               
                             GEORGE
               Into the hole?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, the hole!

               
                             GEORGE
               Didn't they notice it?

               
                             JERRY
               No!

               
                             GEORGE
               How could they not notice it?!?

               
                             JERRY
               Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* 
               Mint.
 
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What did they do?

               
                             JERRY
               They sealed him up with the mint inside.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes!

               
                             GEORGE
               I guess it can't hurt him... People 
               eat *pounds* of those things.
 
               
                             JERRY
               They *eat* them, they don't put them 
               next to vital organs in their
 
               
               abdominal cavity!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, this wallpaper is *very* good. 
               My place looks like a ski
 
               
               lodge!

               
                             JERRY
               Why did you force that mint on me? I 
               didn't want the mint!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I didn't believe you.

               
                             JERRY
               How could you not believe me?!?

               
                             KRAMER
               Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? 
               It's chocolate, it's
 
               
               peppermint-- it's *delicious*!

               
                             JERRY
               That's true.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's very refreshing!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, just don't say anything about 
               this to Elaine...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Prognosis... negative.

               
                             JERRY
               Prognosis *negative*!?

               
                             ELAINE
               He's not doing well, the doctors don't 
               know what it is. They're
 
               
               baffled.

               
                             J+K
               Oh, my God...

               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Just my luck, y'know... just when he's 
               getting thin and attractive.
 
               
               Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really
 
               
               
               lift his spirits.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's that bleak?

               
                             ELAINE
               Mmm...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Y'know if the guy dies, the art could 
               really be worth something...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               We gotta confess.

               
                             KRAMER
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes!

               
                             KRAMER
               We could be tried for murder...

               
                             JERRY
               I can't have this on my conscience. 
               We're like Leopold and Loeb!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You're not gonna say anything, you got 
               that?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm telling and you can't stop me!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You're *not*!!!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of 
               that art. 1 900 dollars worth.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, that's the spot...

               
                             WOMAN
               What're you so tense about?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, nothing really... Just a homicide. 
               (She finds the right spot
 
               
               on his back) Oh that's terrific... Mulva.

               
                             WOMAN
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Mulva?

               
                             WOMAN
               Mulva?

               
                             JERRY
               My Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse.
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               I'm going to the bathroom. Be right 
               back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, good idea...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             WOMAN
               What are you doing?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I was just looking for some... gum 
               or... mint.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Oh, I have Junior Mints.

               
                             JERRY
               No! (throws her purse back at her) No, 
               I mean, no thank you...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Any news?

               
                             JERRY
               (whispering) No, you better get out 
               of here. No, wait a second...
 
               
               Wait a second... I don't know the name of this woman in the
 
               
               
               bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then
 
               
               
               she'll be forced to say her name.

               
                             KRAMER
               10-4.

               
                             WOMAN
               Oh, hello.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hello, I'm Kramer.

               
                             WOMAN
               Nice to meet you.

               
                             KRAMER
               See you later. (He leaves)

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             WOMAN
               Well, I better get going. I don't want 
               to be late for the play.
 
               
               Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage
 
               
               
               and meet Olympia Dukakis.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, there's a name you don't forget.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             WOMAN
               Oh, hi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi, I'm George.

               
                             WOMAN
               Nice to meet you, George.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I gave it a shot... So, any word on 
               the "artiste"?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I haven't heard anything.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I got my triangles.

               
                             JERRY
               Really...

               
                             GEORGE
               Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the 
               apartment.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'm sure...

               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta 
               tell 'em what happened.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, Jerry. I wouldn't do that.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               You could get in trouble.

               
                             JERRY
               Look, I gotta try and help the guy.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Who are you to play God!? Every man's 
               time comes! If his number
 
               
               is up, who are you to interfere!?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes I'd like to speak to Dr. Siegel... 
               it's about Roy Kordic's
 
               
               condition...

               
                             GEORGE
               What? What?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, thats *fantastic*!

               
                             GEORGE
               He didn't get better, did he?

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you very much. Bye-bye. He's gonna 
               be okay!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1 
               900 dollars down the drain.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ROY
               You saved my life, George. You buying 
               my art is what inspired me
 
               
               to get better. I'll never forget what you did for me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, that's great. That's great.

               
                             KRAMER
               Y'know, art is a great investment.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It's gonna look great in your apartment, 
               George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes I look forward to many years of 
               looking at the triangles.
 
               
               Well, I'll wait for you outside.

               
                             ROY
               Hey, George... (kiss)

               
               
               
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               Y'know I don't want to totally discount 
               the emotional element in
 
               
               your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean?

               
                             DOCTOR
               I have no medical evidence to back me 
               up, but something happened
 
               
               during the operation that staved off that infection. Something
 
               
               
               beyond science. Something perhaps from above...

               
                             KRAMER
               Mint?

               
                             DOCTOR
               Those can be very refreshing.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ROY
               So Elaine... Where are we going for 
               our big dinner on Friday?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're 
               going to the Poconos on
 
               
               Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerry (the boyfriend))

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think so...

               
                             ELAINE
               We are...

               
                             JERRY
               I believe we're not...

               
                             ELAINE
               (Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) 
               Please can we go to
 
               
               the Poconos?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'll think about it...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             WOMAN
               Great seats. You could see the actors 
               spitting.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really...

               
                             WOMAN
               And afterwards we went backstage and 
               Olympia Dukakis autographed my
 
               
               playbill.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, what're you saying, you got her 
               autograph?
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Do you have it with you?

               
                             WOMAN
               Yeah, it's in my purse.

               
                             JERRY
               Let me see.

               
                             WOMAN
               Y'know I really think I'm falling for 
               you, Jerry Seinfeld.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Oh, well, I really think I'm falling 
               for you... (reads autograph)
 
               
               ...Joseph Puglia...

               
                             WOMAN
               I had it autographed for my uncle.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I know...

               
                             WOMAN
               You don't know my name, do you?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes I do.

               
                             WOMAN
               What is it?

               
                             JERRY
               It, uh, rhymes with a female body part.
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               What is it?

               
                             JERRY
               Mulva...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Gipple?

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Loleola?

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! Oh! *Delores*!

               
               
               
               
               
                             
               15)

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ages zero through ten, candy is your 
               life. There's nothing else.
 
               
               Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of
 
               
               
               getting more candy. And you have your favourite candies that 
               you
 
               
               love. "I love those... I hate those...". "I hate those... I
 
               
               
               love those...". And only a seven year old kid can taste the
 
               
               
               difference between a red M&M and a light brown M&M. Two totally
 
               
               
               different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red 
               is
 
               
               more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower
 
               
               
               flavour; it's an after dinner M&M, really".

               
               
               
               
                               THE END


The Junior Mint



Writers :   Andy Robin
Genres :   Comedy


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