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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                          THE JUNK MAIL



                           Written by

                         Spike Feresten


 
               
               
               
                             JERRY, ON THE PHONE
               Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh.
               Chinese food!

                             GEORGE
               Who was it?

                             JERRY
               I did a show for a car dealership and 
               they're getting me a new SAAB.
 
                             GEORGE
               What about your old car? They couldn't 
               get Kramer's blood out of it?
 
                             JERRY
               No, the engine clotted. You know who 
               set this whole thing up for me?
 
               Frank Merman.

                             GEORGE
               Fragile Frankie Merman? I never liked 
               that guy.
 
                             JERRY
               Why? He's harmless.

                             GEORGE
               Every summer you guys went to camp together. 
               I was jealous. Felt like he was the summer me.

                             JERRY
               He was not the summer you. Besides, 
               you had a summer me. Whitey Fisk,
 
               
               the guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris.

                             GEORGE
               I made him up.

                             JERRY
               So you never saw Last Tango in Paris?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No.

                             JERRY
               Too bad. It was erotic.
               jackbooted thugs!

                             JERRY
               'Pottery Barn'?

                             KRAMER
               I got three 'Pottery Barn' catalogs 
               in one day. That makes eight 
               this month.

                             JERRY
               Why don't you just throw 'em out?

                             KRAMER
               Oh, no. I've been saving them up here 
               in your apartment. And now, 
               it's payback time. 'Pottery Barn'
               is in for a world of hurt.
 
               
               phones. So you wanna grab a bite?

                             GEORGE
               I can't. I gotta make the weekly call 
               to the folks.
 
                             JERRY
               So call now.

                             GEORGE
               I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes, 
               a few
 
               you-were-right-abouts. It's a whole procedure. Wasn't Fragile 
               Frankie the one
 
               that used to run into the woods every time he got upset?

                             JERRY
               That's him.

                             GEORGE
               Is he still nuts?

                             JERRY
               What do you think? They gave me a new 
               car for thirty minutes of 'So, 
               who's from out of town?'
               or what?

                             ELAINE
               Mmm. De-lish.

                             PUDDY
               Delish?

                             ELAINE
               Delish. You know, short for delicious.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Oh, like scrump.

                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

                             PUDDY
               I'm gonna be late. See ya later.

                             JACK
               Excuse me, can I borrow your ketchup?
 
               
                             JACK
               Thank you.

               Heraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, it's Georgie.

                             ESTELLE
               Let me put your father on the phone.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ma!

                             FRANK
               Who is this?

                             GEORGE
               Dad, it's me. Hey, listen, I was at 
               Fortunoff's the other day, and,
 
               you know what, you were right.

                             FRANK, HANGING UP
               Sorry, George, our Chinese food just 
               came. Talk to you
 
               later.

                             GEORGE
               Chinese food?

               
               sending out catalogs!? How do you like gettin' 'em back!?

               
                             JERRY
               So, maybe they had Chinese food?

                             GEORGE
               After dark? Please. At their age, that's 
               like swallowing stun
 
               grenades.

                             JERRY
               Well, there's one way to check. Where 
               there's Chinese food, there's
 
               leftovers.

                             GEORGE
               That's dynamite. Yeah, I'll look for 
               the Chinese food leftovers.
 
                             ELAINE
               Hey, hey, hey! I met this guy! And it 
               was like this, totally unreal,
 
               fairy tale moment.

                             JERRY
               It wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it?

                             ELAINE
               Oh, George's friend. Whatever happened 
               to him?
 
                             GEORGE
               Nothing. Uh, I don't know. I gotta go.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, this is beautiful. You, and Puddy, 
               and this new guy, in a big pot
 
               of love stew.

                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah... Puddy. Well, I won't fire 
               him until I see if this new
 
               guy can... handle the workload.

               'Omaha Steaks', 'Mac Warehouse', 'Newsweek'?! I can't stop all 
               these
 
               companies, so, I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Stop the mail?

                             KRAMER
               That's... even better!

               
                             FRANKIE
               Jerry!

                             JERRY
               Hey, Frankie! So, where's the car?
 
               
                             FRANKIE
               This is it.

                             JERRY
               Inside the van?

                             FRANKIE
               It is the van! Don't you remember, we 
               always talked about how cool
 
               it would be to have a van and just drive?

                             JERRY
               We were ten.

                             FRANKIE
               Come on. Let's take it for a spin.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't want a van.

                             ELAINE
               Well, just tell him you want the SAAB.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You don't understand. This is Fragile 
               Frankie Merman. When we were in
 
               camp, if you upset him, he'd run out to the woods, dig a hole, 
               and sit in it.
 
                             ELAINE
               Well, I have an idea. Keep the van, 
               and get a bumper sticker that
 
               says, 'If this vans a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.'

                             JERRY
               Always helpful.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, Georgie, what are you doing here?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Just dropped in for a visit. You, uh, 
               you never called me back.
 
                             ESTELLE
               Uh... the phone broke.

                             FRANK
               Well, we got to get moving.

                             GEORGE
               What? Where are you going?

                             FRANK
               We have a catered affair.

                             GEORGE
               You're going like that?

               suspicious.

               
                             JACK
               Elaine, I'm sorry I'm late.

               Heraldic harp sounds as Elaine looks at Jack's face

                             JACK
               I'm gonna be in the can.

                             ELAINE
               Okay, Jack.

                             CASHIER
               Sure.

               right. Again.

               
                             JERRY
               Aye, aye.

                             FRANKIE
               Oh, there's a spot. Just back up.

               Large-vehicle reverse beeping starts

                             JERRY
               Hold on. There must be a truck backing 
               up.
 
                             FRANKIE
               No, that's us.

                             JERRY
               Great. You know, Frankie, I was wondering. 
               What if I decided that
 
               it's silly to drive a van, because, you know, I live in New York 
               City. Is
 
               there maybe some way I could exchange it?

                             FRANKIE
               You don't like the van?

                             JERRY
               No, no, no. Just hypothetically.

                             FRANKIE
               I gotta go to the park.

                             JERRY
               No! No, you don't! No woods. I love 
               the van. I'm a van guy.
 
               
               them, but let's see them get by... these bricks.

                             JERRY
               Where'd you get the bricks?

                             KRAMER
               Jerry, the whole building is brick.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you want to take a ride with me out 
               to Jersey? I'm gonna try to
 
               sell the van to a lot.

                             KRAMER
               A dealer? Are you insane? No, take out 
               an ad. Sell it privately.
 
                             JERRY
               I don't think I want to meet the people 
               that are in the market for a
 
               used van.

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, Jerry, just let me help you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               OK.

                             KRAMER
               All right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah. 
               OK, so... 'For sale. A big,
 
               juicy van.' And, ooh, you gotta put down, 'interesting trades 
               considered.'
 
                             JERRY
               I don't want to trade.

                             KRAMER
               No, you don't have to. It's all about 
               tickling their buying bone.
 
                             JERRY
               Hey, you know what? This is all your 
               mail. They're puttin' it in my
 
               box now.

                             KRAMER
               Oh, that's it. They have gone too far. 
               They keep pushing me, and
 
               pushing me. Now I got no choice but to go down there... and talk 
               to them.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, Jerry. I'd like you to meet someone. 
               This is Jack.
 
               Heraldic harp sounds as Jerry looks at Jack's face

               
                             POSTAL EMPLOYEE
               May I help you?

                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail.

                             POSTAL EMPLOYEE
               Certainly. How long would you like us 
               to hold it?
 
                             KRAMER
               Oh, no, no. I don't think you get me. 
               I want out, permanently.
 
                             NEWMAN
               I'll handle this, Violet. Why don't 
               you take your three hour break?
 
               Oh, calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail.

                             KRAMER
               Oh, yes, I am.

                             NEWMAN
               What about your bills?

                             KRAMER
               The bank can pay 'em.

                             NEWMAN
               The bank. What about your cards and 
               letters?
 
                             KRAMER
               E-mail, telephones, fax machines. Fedex, 
               telex, telegrams,
 
               holograms.

                             NEWMAN
               All right, it's true! Of course nobody 
               needs mail. What do you
 
               think, you're so clever for figuring that out? But you don't 
               know the half of
 
               what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.
 
               
                             SUPERVISOR
               Is everything all right here, Postal 
               Employee Newman?
 
                             NEWMAN
               Yes, sir, I believe everything is all 
               squared away. Isn't it, Mr.
 
               Kramer?

                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. As long as I stop getting 
               mail!
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh!

                             GEORGE
               Quick for a... catered affair.

                             FRANK
               I don't know what you mean.

                             GEORGE
               You ditched me. That's twice. Now I 
               demand to know what's going on!
 
                             FRANK
               George, we've had it with you. Understand? 
               We love you like a son,
 
               but even parents have limits.

                             ESTELLE
               The breakups, the firings. And every 
               Sunday with the calls.
 
                             FRANK
               What my wife is trying to say is that 
               this is supposed to be our
 
               time.

                             GEORGE
               I'm not following.

                             FRANK
               We're cuttin' you lose.

                             GEORGE
               You're cuttin' me loose?

                             FRANK
               Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going 
               to make love to your mother.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They don't want to see me anymore!
 
               
                             JERRY
               But this is what you've always wanted.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It is. I'm just not ready yet.

                             JERRY
               Aw, that's kind of sweet.

                             GEORGE
               Ah, shut up, Jerry. My parents think 
               they can ignore me. Heh heh.
 
               Well, they better think again.

                             JERRY
               Oh, no. George, please. What are you 
               going to do?
 
                             GEORGE
               You remember my cousin Rhisa? I'm gonna 
               date her.
 
                             JERRY
               Mother of God.

                             GEORGE
               One little wink. She'll freak out, tell 
               my parents. They'll be all
 
               over me. Who is this guy?

                             JERRY
               That guy Elaine's dating seems really 
               familiar to me. I think he may
 
               have been a comedian I worked with one time. Wait a minute, what 
               is this?
 
               On the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the 
               Wiz, chanting
 
               Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!

                             JERRY
               That is the guy!

                             GEORGE
               Elaine's in love with the Wiz guy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, she thinks she's in love with him. 
               But she's just remembering
 
               this old commercial.

                             GEORGE
               That's pretty pathetic.

                             JERRY
               I know. They're not even related.

                             GEORGE
               Uh... hey. I'm gonna get going.

                             JERRY
               Hey, have fun at the... family reunion. 
               So, what do you know about
 
               this Jack fellow?

                             ELAINE
               Isn't he the best?

                             JERRY
               Yeah, nobody beats him. What kind of 
               work does he do?
 
                             ELAINE
               Oh, right now he's a fact checker for 
               New York Magazine. It's not
 
               much, but it has a certain type of quiet dignity.

               this?

               On the TV, Jack is The Wiz, the spokesman for Nobody Beats the 
               Wiz, chanting
 
               Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!

                             ELAINE
               Oh, no.

                             JERRY
               Oh, yes.

               
               come on buy.

               
                             RHISA
               Yeah, thanks.

                             GEORGE
               Sure. You know, Rhisa. I've always found 
               you... very attractive.
 
                             RHISA
               What?

                             GEORGE
               I know it may sound shocking. But, I 
               just can't stop myself from...
 
               wanting you.

                             RHISA
               You want to borrow money, right?

                             GEORGE
               No, no. I-I just want us to be... together.
 
               
                             RHISA
               All right.

                             GEORGE
               All right?

                             RHISA
               Let's go for it.

                             GEORGE
               Well... we could dance around it a little 
               first.
 
                             GEORGE
               Whoa! Whoa! Geez!

               
                             JERRY
               You know why I'm selling it. I hate 
               it.
 
                             KRAMER
               How many miles?

                             JERRY
               Two.

                             KRAMER
               City or highway?

                             JERRY
               Look, do you really want to buy this 
               thing, or what?
 
               pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm 
               not paying for
 
               that.

                             JERRY
               All right, just get out of here.

                             KRAMER
               All right, look. I'm going to be honest. 
               I'm very interested in the
 
               van.

                             JERRY
               OK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put 
               you in this van today?'
 
               But it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'.

                             JERRY
               You put that in!

                             JERRY
               You want to trade me an undershirt?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, I want to trade you screen legend 
               Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He
 
               took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it.

                             JERRY
               That's disgusting.

                             KRAMER
               Well, it's my final offer.

               
                             PUDDY
               You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a 
               mistake. So, let's just put it
 
               behind us, and we can continue like this never happened.

                             PUDDY
               Gee, I don't know. What if we're out 
               somewhere and you see the Maytag
 
               repairman.

                             ELAINE
               You're not taking me back?

                             PUDDY, LEAVING
               That's right.

                             ELAINE
               He's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And 
               nobody beats him. Nobody...
 
               
               on. Hey, mail blows. Fax it to a friend.

                             WOMAN
               Why does this dummy have a bucket on 
               its head?
 
                             KRAMER
               Because we're blind to their tyranny.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Move along, Betty.

                             FRANKIE
               Is this, uh, Jerry Seinfeld's van?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, not anymore. He traded it to me 
               for some Hollywood
 
               memorabilia.

                             FRANKIE
               I'm, uh, I'm so stupid.

                             KRAMER
               What?

                             KRAMER
               Yeah, nice to meet you.

               
                             JERRY
               She's into it?

                             GEORGE
               She's leaving me dirty messages on my 
               answering machine.
 
                             JERRY
               So have your parents found out about 
               it?
 
                             GEORGE
               She wants to keep it quiet. She... thinks 
               we have a real future
 
               together.

                             JERRY
               Brave new world, alright.

                             JERRY
               Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, it's fantastic. We were out in front 
               of the post office today,
 
               and not one person went in.

                             JERRY
               It's Sunday.

                             GEORGE
               Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Huh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Then... shouldn't you be wearing the 
               bucket.
 
                             JERRY
               Hey, I want my van keys back.

                             KRAMER
               Oh, well. I, uh, thought we made a deal 
               for Quinn's t-shirt.
 
                             JERRY
               Are you insane? Give 'em to me.

                             KRAMER
               No, I can't, I can't. See, I told Frank 
               he could borrow it. Yeah, he
 
               wants to move some of George's stuff into storage.

                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute? He's picking up the van 
               tonight? This is perfect.
 
               I'll drive Rhisa to someplace romantic. Then when my father slides 
               the door
 
               open, I'm in the van kissing his brother's daughter.

                             KRAMER
               Oh, listen, Jerry. One of your friends 
               came by and he was very upset
 
               that I had your wheels.

                             JERRY
               Oh, no, not Frankie.

                             KRAMER
               Well, I didn't catch his name, but then 
               he went running into the
 
               park.

                             JERRY
               Oh, no, the woods! The hole!

               
                             NEWMAN
               Kramer, what the hell are you doing?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I know, I'm gonna switch the bucket 
               to something else.
 
                             NEWMAN
               Not that!

                             KRAMER
               What?

                             NEWMAN
               You're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't 
               even be talking to you, but
 
               walking. Maybe on a crisp, autumn day just like today. When a 
               mail truck will
 
               slow beside you, and a door will open, and a mailman you know, 
               maybe even
 
               trust, will offer to give you a lift.

                             KRAMER
               Are you through?

                             NEWMAN
               No! And no one will ever see you again!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Are you through?

                             NEWMAN
               Yes. No, wait! OK, yes.

               in!

                             KRAMER
               Oh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you 
               said it was going down.
 
                             NEWMAN
               There's another way it can go down, 
               and it's going down right now!
 
                             KRAMER
               No. You said a mailman I know, and you're 
               a mailman I know!
 
                             NEWMAN
               I know you know, but you don't know 
               what I know.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie, 
               is that you?
 
                             HOLE DIGGER
               My name is Edgar.

                             JERRY
               Have a nice night.

                             HOLE DIGGER
               Thank you.

               
               Frankie, digging a hole, talking to himself, and seeing Jerry's 
               van pull up
 
                             NEAR HIM
               Stupid... so stupid! Jerry?

                             RHISA
               All right, George. I'm ready.

                             GEORGE
               Yeah, hold on. I'm, uh, I'm just trying 
               to get a reading on my
 
               dashboard compass. Where are my parents?

                             RHISA
               Geor-gie...

               Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van?!

               he saying?

                             GEORGE
               I think he's saying 'Son of Sam'! Oh, 
               my God!
 
                             RHISA
               No, they caught him.

               
                             ELAINE
               So I told him, 'Hit the road. I'm going 
               back with Jack.'
 
                             JACK
               Elaine, that's the second piece of good 
               news today.
 
                             ELAINE
               Really, what was the first?

               again.

                             ELAINE
               What?

                             JACK, DANCING AROUND
               I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!

                             ELAINE
               Well what, what about your fact-checking 
               job?
 
                             JACK, DANCING AROUND
               Oh... here's a fact. Uh, I'm... the 
               Wiz! I'm the Wiz
 
               and noooobody beats me!

               
               there.

                             FRANKIE
               You hate the van.

                             JERRY
               But I'm keeping it. As much as I hate 
               the idea of being a van guy,
 
               it's much better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt 
               people.
 
                             FRANKIE
               So, can we go for a ride?

                             JERRY
               Yeah, let's just get out of here.

               with that?

               
               Good. He left the door unlocked.

                             ESTELLE
               Why did Kramer have to park the van 
               in the woods?
 
                             FRANK
               Isn't it obvious? There are no parking 
               meters out here.
 
               mama!

               
                             POSTMASTER GENERAL
               Oh, my goodness. What have they done 
               to you here?
 
                             KRAMER
               Huh? Who are you?

                             POSTMASTER GENERAL
               Well, you can just call me Henry.

                             KRAMER
               Henry Atkins? The postmaster general?
 
               
                             POSTMASTER GENERAL
               Last time I checked.

                             KRAMER
               Henry... can I get out of here now?
 
               
                             POSTMASTER GENERAL
               Oh, oh. Sit a bit. Sit a bit. I mean, 
               after all, I drove
 
               all the way up here from D.C. just to talk to you.

                             KRAMER
               Oh?

                             POSTMASTER GENERAL
               I even had to cancel a round of golf 
               with the secretary
 
               of state. Do you like golf, Mr. Kramer?

                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

                             POSTMASTER GENERAL
               Kramer, I've been, uh, reading some 
               of your material
 
               imagine. An army of men in wool pants running through the neighborhood
 
               
               handing out pottery catalogs, door to door.

                             KRAMER
               Yeah! Ha ha.

                             POSTMASTER GENERAL
               Well, it's my job. And I'm pretty damn 
               serious about it.
 
               In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general. And we both 
               know, it's the
 
               job of a general to, by God, get things done. So maybe you can 
               understand why
 
               I get a little irritated when someone calls me away from my golf.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm very, very sorry.

                             POSTMASTER GENERAL
               Sure, you're sorry. I think we got a 
               stack of mail out
 
               at the desk that belongs to you. Now, you want that mail, don't 
               you Mr.
 
               Kramer?

                             KRAMER
               Sure do!

               Kramer, seeing Newman walk into the office with a bucket on his 
               head,
 
                             NEWMAN, WHIMPERING
               Tell the world my story.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, George!

                             GEORGE
               Jerry! Hey, that's the guy!

                             JERRY
               What? George Costanza, Frankie Merman.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh. The summer me.

                             FRANKIE
               The winter me.

                             JERRY
               You must be George's cousin.

                             RHISA
               Girlfriend.

                             JERRY
               All right.

                             JERRY
               Don't go a-knockin'.

                             FRANKIE
               Now you gotta sell this van.

                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah.

               
                             FRANK
               What you saw in that van was a natural 
               expression of a man's love for
 
               his lady.

                             GEORGE
               Ohhhh...

                             ESTELLE
               Your father's right. It's beautiful.
 
               
                             FRANK
               And it was safe.

                             GEORGE
               Oh, God...

                             FRANK
               Now if you'll excuse me. Once again, 
               your mother and I...
 
                             GEORGE
               Oh... make it stop.

               
               
               
                             THE END


The Junk Mail



Writers :   Spike Feresten
Genres :   Comedy


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