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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE KEYS



                             Written by

                           Larry Charles




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day 
               and I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they need 
               keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the 
               ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, 
               maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going (mimics 
               looking for keys) "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god...I did 
               it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they 
               don't want to come on the PA system..."Ladies and gentlemen, 
               we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, 
               I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys 
               to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running 
               underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're 
               actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe 
               he left it up there somewhere..."
 
               
                             OPENING SCENE
               Jerry's apartment in the middle of the 
               night. Jerry comes out of his room. 
               We hear his thoughts.
 
               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               What is it about sleep that makes you 
               so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? 
               It's not like I'm running a marathon, 
               I'm just lying there.
 
               
               (Jerry notices his door is open.)

               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               What the hell...? Why is the door open?
 
               
               
               (Jerry looks out into the hallway, turns back into his apartment, 
               and runs into Kramer in the dark. They both scream. Kramer turns 
               on the light.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, what are you doing here!?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm 
               sorry. I didn't want to wake you up! 
               Y'know, I was watching "Thirty Seconds 
               Over Tokyo," and I - y'know, I wanted 
               to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used 
               the spare keys that you gave me to come 
               into your apartment to get your popper.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You scared me!

               
                             KRAMER
               It's just me.

               
                             JERRY
               That's enough!

               
                             KRAMER
               Forgot the popper... (goes to the kitchen, 
               grabs the popper, drops the lid, juggles 
               it around, then exits.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene. Jerry's apartment, daytime. We hear Jerry hurriedly 
               trying to get in the door.
 
               
                             JERRY
               C'mon...c'mon...

               
               (Jerry enters, sheds his jacket, drops his luggage and heads 
               for the bathroom. He opens the door to find Kramer taking a bubble 
               bath in his tub.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer! What are you doing?!

               
                             KRAMER
               What does it look like I'm doing? What?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Get out! Get out of the bathroom, I 
               gotta go!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, alright...

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon!

               
                             KRAMER
               Sorry.

               
                             JERRY
               Move it! Move it! Get going!

               
                             KRAMER
               My drain's all clogged up! (Comes out 
               of the bathroom in a towel, covered 
               in soap suds.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Is that my towel?

               
               (Kramer loses the towel in the hallway and throws it on Jerry's 
               floor from the other side of the door.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene. Jerry's hallway at night. Jerry approaches his door 
               with a girlfriend.
 
               
                             GIRLFRIEND
               I'm really happy the movie was sold 
               out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, did you ever pretend there's like, 
               murderers chasing you, and you try and 
               see how fast you can get your keys out 
               and get into your apartment?
 
               
                             GIRLFRIEND
               I'm from Witchita, so...

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. I see. There he is! (Pretends the 
               murderers are coming.)
 
               
                             GIRLFRIEND
               Hurry, Jerry! He's coming! Hurry!

               
                             JERRY
               The murderers! (Jerry unlocks his door 
               and they both run inside.)
 
               
                             GIRLFRIEND
               That was close!

               
                             JERRY
               Did you see the look on that guy's face?
 
               
               
                             GIRLFRIEND
               You were so fast with those keys. (They 
               prepare to kiss, but are interrupted 
               by Kramer and his girlfriend coming 
               out of Jerry's bedroom, laughing and 
               horsing around.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer! What the hell are you doing 
               here?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you 
               were going to the movies.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right, that's it. Hand 'em over.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               What, you know what, the keys. I want 
               the keys. You've lost your key privileges.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, come on!

               
                             JERRY
               No, come on!

               
                             KRAMER
               What, what, I thought you went to the 
               movies!
 
               
                             JERRY
               It was sold out!

               
                             KRAMER
               Now how was I supposed to know it was 
               going to be sold out?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's the point.

               
                             KRAMER
               What point?

               
                             JERRY
               Just, look, just give the keys.

               
                             KRAMER
               Just give me another chance!

               
                             JERRY
               Don't ask me!

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm asking you!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm telling you.

               
                             KRAMER
               You're joking.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm serious!

               
                             KRAMER
               It's not going to happen again!

               
                             JERRY
               Yes it will, now give me those keys!
 
               
               
               (Jerry and Kramer begin struggling over the keys. Kramer loses 
               his footing and falls on the floor, taking his girlfriend down 
               with him.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               O.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys! 
               But you're going to regret this. (He 
               angrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters 
               seconds later when he realizes he's 
               left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene. Jerry's apartment, the next day. Jerry is now giving 
               his spare keys to Elaine.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So put 'em in a safe place.

               
                             ELAINE
               I will.

               
                             JERRY
               Where?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is 
               Kramer upset?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I think so. I mean, he's acting really 
               weird lately...he's different.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, maybe you should just give him 
               the keys back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't.

               
               (There's a gentle knock at the door.)

               
                             ELAINE
               Is that Kramer? (Jerry nods.)

               
                             JERRY
               Who's there?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, Kramer. (Jerry opens the door, Kramer 
               enters. Elaine waves at Kramer with 
               the keys in her hand.) Oh, hi...uh...you 
               got the...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I'm not, uh...

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no, it's o.k. I don't care about 
               the keys. It's my fault. I gave the 
               keys away with my stupidity. I broke 
               "the covenant of the keys."
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, give him the keys back.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine...

               
               (Elaine tries to give the keys to Kramer, but Jerry won't let 
               her. Jerry and Elaine begin struggling over the keys. Kramer 
               breaks it up.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't want the keys back! No, I'm 
               glad the way things turned out. I was 
               clingin' to those keys, man! Like a 
               branch on the banks of a raging river. 
               And now I have let go. And I'm free...to 
               go with the current. To float. (To Jerry) 
               And I thank you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Take the keys.

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't want the keys! (Jerry tries 
               to force the keys on Kramer, but Kramer 
               refuses.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               O.K.!

               
                             KRAMER
               Now, one more thing - I would like my 
               keys back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Your spare set?

               
                             KRAMER
               That's right.

               
                             JERRY
               You want 'em back?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be for 
               the best.
 
               
               (Jerry takes a huge ring with hundreds of keys on it out of his 
               drawer, and hands it to Kramer. Kramer begins going through them.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene at the coffee shop. Kramer is now giving the huge keyring 
               to George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Gee, Kramer, I uh...I don't know what 
               to say.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Say yes! Yes, George. Yes!

               
                             GEORGE
               Should I give you my keys, is that the 
               transaction, trading keys...? Because 
               Elaine has my keys.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you can get 'em back.

               
                             GEORGE
               I suppose I could.

               
                             KRAMER
               Because you see, George, having the 
               keys to Jerry's apartment? That kept 
               me in a fantasy world. Every time I 
               went over to his house, it was like 
               I was on vacation. Better food, better 
               view, better TV. And cleaner? Oh - much 
               cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored 
               the squalor in my own life because I'm 
               looking at life, you see, through Jerry's 
               eyes. I was living in twilight, George. 
               Living in the shadows. Living in the 
               darkness...like you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Me?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. I can barely see you, George.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, stop it Kramer, you're freakin' 
               me out. (The waitress comes over.)
 
               
               
                             WAITRESS
               Hi, are you ready to order? (George 
               tries to order, but Kramer interrupts.)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Do you ever yearn?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yearn? Do I yearn?

               
                             KRAMER
               I yearn.

               
                             GEORGE
               You yearn.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I 
               sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, not recently. I craved. I crave 
               all the time, constant craving...but 
               I haven't yearned.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look at you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Aw, Kramer, don't start...

               
                             KRAMER
               You're wasting your life.

               
                             GEORGE
               I am not! What you call wasting, I call 
               living! I'm living my life!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               O.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you 
               have a job?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               You got money?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Do you have a woman?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Do you have any prospects?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               You got anything on the horizon?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh...no.

               
                             KRAMER
               Do you have any action at all?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Do you have any conceivable reason for 
               even getting up in the morning?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I like to get the Daily News!

               
                             KRAMER
               George, it's time for us to grow up 
               - and be men. Not little boys.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm goin' to California. You know, I 
               got the bug.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I think I got a touch of something, 
               too.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, the acting bug. Ever since I was 
               in that Woody Allen movie.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               "These pretzels are making me thirsty"? 
               That was one line! You got fired!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I know, I know, but man! I never felt 
               so alive! Now, are you coming with me?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, no, I'm not.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, suit yourself. But let's keep 
               this between us - we're key brothers 
               now. (Gets up to leave.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You're not really gonna go to California, 
               are you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Up here, I'm already gone. (Kramer exits.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene, Elaine's apartment at night. George is picking up 
               his spare keys from Elaine.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway, so he gave me his spare keys, 
               now he wants to have my keys, so I need 
               mine back from you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Just 'cause you have his keys? Why does 
               he need yours?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know. He said he wants to be 
               my "key brother."
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That's ridiculous.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's Kramer.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll give you back your spare keys - 
               but now I want mine back.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What for?

               
                             ELAINE
               'Cause. I'll give 'em to Jerry.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry? Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               'Cause he gave me his.

               
                             GEORGE
               So what?

               
                             ELAINE
               So, if he has my keys, I should have 
               his.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I don't see why if you have his, 
               he should have yours.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I just said the same thing to you.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, listen, I'll give you your 
               spare keys, but I don't have them with 
               me. Can I please have mine to give to 
               back to Kramer?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. (George 
               begins to leaf through papers on Elaine's 
               counter.) What are you doing? Would 
               you just put that down? (Takes the papers 
               away from George.) I gotta get some 
               new friends.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene, Jerry's apartment the next day.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you bring the keys?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, but I still don't feel right about 
               letting you into Kramer's apartment 
               without his permission.
 
               
                             JERRY
               This could be an emergency!

               
                             GEORGE
               You never should have taken away his 
               keys!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't 
               take 'em. (Jerry and George go out into 
               the hallway to Kramer's apartment.)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How'd the Mets do?

               
                             JERRY
               They lost.

               
               (Jerry and George open Kramer's door and poke their heads in.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer?

               
               (Newman walks up behind them.)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello, boys.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               You lookin' for someone?

               
                             JERRY
               Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm 
               not in the mood!
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Coy? I'm not being coy.

               
                             JERRY
               Is he being coy?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, coy.

               
                             JERRY
               You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, 
               Newman?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Who?

               
                             JERRY
               Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer 
               is and wanna know now!
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld. 
               I got witnesses.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Turn around, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Sure. (Turns around.)

               
                             NEWMAN
               George?

               
                             JERRY
               Now, you better tell me where Kramer 
               is, or are we gonna have to do this 
               the hard way? (Hits wall with his fist.)
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Help! Help!

               
                             JERRY
               Where's Kramer?

               
                             NEWMAN
               HELP! (Elaine enters.)

               
                             ELAINE
               What's going on?

               
               (Newman grabs Elaine and hides behind her.)

               
                             NEWMAN
               They're gonna beat me up!

               
                             GEORGE
               No we're not.

               
                             JERRY
               We're trying to find out what happened 
               to Kramer.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               You wanna know what happened to Kramer? 
               I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. 
               He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah, 
               that's right - about the keys. Thought 
               he got a bad rap.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Bad rap?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah. From you.

               
                             JERRY
               Me?

               
                             NEWMAN
               You heard me. So he packed it up and 
               split for the coast. La-La Land. L.A.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               L.A.?

               
               (Cut to Kramer in his car on the highway, listening to rock music. 
               The car's engine starts to fail, then stalls. Kramer can't believe 
               it.)
 
               
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               
               
               
               
               New scene, Jerry's apartment at night (Jerry's at the window, 
               George and Elaine are on the couch).
 
               
                             JERRY
               I never should have taken his keys away. 
               But he drove me to it! I had no choice! 
               He wouldn't take 'em back. Elaine, you 
               saw it, remember? I said, 'Take the 
               keys back.' He wouldn't do anything. 
               You saw it, didn't you see it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah, I saw it. (mutters under 
               her breath) I mean, it's complete bullsh*t.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Huh?

               
                             ELAINE
               What...?

               
                             JERRY
               No, what'd you say?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nothing. I didn't say anything.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you didn't see it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw 
               it. Yep.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I heard you say something, there.

               
                             ELAINE
               I didn't say anything.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm calling Kramer's mother. (Picks 
               up the phone, dials.) (To Elaine) I 
               don't know what you said. But it was 
               something. I heard something. Hello? 
               Hello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could 
               you turn the music down? Could you turn 
               the music down!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ask her about Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               She's drunk out of her mind.

               
               (Cut back to Kramer with his car broken down on the side of the 
               highway. He tries to thumb a ride.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene, Jerry approaching his apartment door. He tries to 
               unlock it, but realizes Elaine has his keys. Jerry goes to the 
               coffee shop to call Elaine.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine? Are you there? It's me, I'm 
               locked out of my apartment, I need my 
               spare keys. Where are you? I'm at the 
               coffee shop.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch a ride on the back of a 
               motorcycle.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! You ever been in an accident?
 
               
               
                             BIKER
               About five years ago. I was going down 
               this very road. Same time of day, going 
               about the same speed I'm going now...there 
               was a rock in the road. Couldn't have 
               been more than a pebble. Never really 
               saw it! Lost control of the bike, went 
               flyin' about a hundred feet - came down 
               right on my head. Cracked it wide open! 
               Blood and stuff was just splattered 
               all over the road, there...I broke every 
               bone in my face. Hey, you know, when 
               they found me, my eyes were hanging 
               out of their sockets? Yeah, they pronounced 
               me dead at the scene. I was in a coma 
               for...well, they told me about a year...said 
               I'd be a vegetable for life. Yeah, but 
               I showed 'em. Ever since then I always 
               wear a helmet! (The biker goes into 
               a turn.) Lean! (Kramer yells.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene. Jerry in a booth at the coffee shop waiting for George. 
               George enters, spare keys in hand.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Georgie Boy! Way to come through with 
               the keys! Sit down, I'm buying you dinner.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin' 
               about it, I just don't feel right about 
               letting you into Elaine's apartment.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Don't feel right? What are you talking 
               about?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know, I shouldn't have let 
               you into Kramer's, now you want to go 
               into Elaine's...she entrusted me with 
               her spare keys, how can I just let you 
               in?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is the big deal?

               
                             GEORGE
               Just because you have someone's spare 
               keys, it doesn't entitle you to break 
               into their apartment. That's the reason 
               you took away Kramer's keys.
 
               
                             JERRY
               First of all, you're not even supposed 
               to have Elaine's keys. You're supposed 
               to give 'em back to her, so she can 
               give 'em back to me, because she has 
               mine. So technically, those are my keys.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, well, if you had never taken your 
               keys back from Kramer, he never would 
               have taken his back from you and given 
               'em to me, in which case I wouldn't 
               have had to take mine back from her.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I want those keys. (Tries to grab 
               the keys from George.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nope, no can do.

               
                             JERRY
               George, give them to me, I want these 
               keys. (They struggle over the keys.) 
               I don't want to get physical!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Do you wanna fight?

               
                             JERRY
               Do you wanna fight?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll fight ya! Not the face! Not the 
               face! (The struggle continues.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch another ride, this time 
               with a van full of drugged-out hippies. Kramer is telling them 
               a story as they go down the road...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               And then, the evil ogre took back the 
               magical keys from the handsome young 
               prince.
 
               
                             HIPPIE #1
               Oh no. He didn't take back the keys, 
               no way.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yes! And then the handsome young prince 
               was cast out into the cruel, cruel world.
 
               
               
                             HIPPIE #1
               Oh man, what a bummer. That ogre dude's 
               pretty cold, huh?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, he's cold.

               
                             HIPPIE #1
               Lemme tell you something, Kramer. If 
               that ogre dude pulled that crap on me 
               (pulls out a knife) - I'D STAB HIM! 
               I'D CUT HIM IN HALF! I'D GUT HIM LIKE 
               A FISH, MAN! That's what I'd do!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah...that'd be funny. (To driver) 
               Hey, you can drop me here!
 
               
                             HIPPIE #1
               Hey, what's the rush, man?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know, I gotta be goin' now.
 
               
               
                             HIPPIE #1
               Hey, Kramer - have you ever killed a 
               man?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What do you think, junior? You think 
               these hands have been soakin' in Ivory 
               liquid? (mimics choking somebody)
 
               
               
                             HIPPIE #2
               Don't leave, Kramer, stay with us. You 
               know so much about the world, we need 
               you, please Kramer! (they all start 
               chanting) Please, Kramer! Please, Kramer! 
               (Scene ends with Kramer trying to escape 
               their clutches.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene, Elaine's building at night. Jerry and George approach 
               Elaine's door, still arguing about the keys.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't you see? You're just avoiding 
               the middle man. You were gonna give 
               her her spare keys, so she was gonna 
               give 'em to me. So, all that's happening 
               is that instead of giving them to her, 
               you're giving them to me. It's just 
               unfortunate that when she gave you yours, 
               you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then 
               she would have given 'em to me, because 
               she has mine. So then I would have never 
               had to ask you for hers, so that I could 
               get mine.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You're right, how did I miss that? (Begins 
               unlocking the door, mutters under his 
               breath) Maybe because it's a crock of 
               sh*t.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               I heard something.

               
                             GEORGE
               Didn't say anything. (They go into Elaine's 
               apartment.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch yet another ride, this time 
               with a woman driving an eighteen-wheeler.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So, how long you been drivin' this thing?
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               Goin' on four years.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, nothin's sexier than a woman behind 
               the wheel of a semi.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Nothin'? (They exchange a glance, then 
               laugh.) Listen to you, you're quite 
               the sweet-talker.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, I always wanted to drive the 
               big rigs. I used to watch those commercials 
               during the reruns of Gomer Pyle.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               You want to give it a try?

               
                             KRAMER
               Really?

               
                             WOMAN
               Do you know how to double-clutch?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             WOMAN
               Well, come on! (They trade places and 
               Kramer gets behind the wheel. Kramer 
               turns out to be really rusty on the 
               ol' double-clutch.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               New scene, Jerry and George in Elaine's apartment looking for 
               Jerry's spare keys.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They were in here, I saw her put 'em 
               in here!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, this is great.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, what do they look like?

               
                             JERRY
               They look like keys, George. They look 
               exactly like keys. (In disgust) "What 
               do they look like."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, they're obviously not here.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, they've gotta be here somewhere.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette 
               and a hidden wall opens up, we have 
               checked every square inch of this apartment!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What is this? "Murphy Brown"?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               By Elaine Benes?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine's writing a "Murphy Brown"?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Lemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second! (They fight over the 
               paper.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Gimme half!

               
                             JERRY
               All right, here!

               
                             GEORGE
               Why didn't she tell us?

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine is writing a sitcom...! (Elaine 
               enters the room behind Jerry and George. 
               Jerry spots her and tosses his half 
               of the script at George. George throws 
               it back and paper goes flying everywhere.)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You weasels!

               
                             JERRY
               What? What?

               
                             ELAINE
               How dare you!

               
                             GEORGE
               We hardly read anything!

               
                             JERRY
               It was funny!

               
                             ELAINE
               Who gave you permission to come into 
               my house and just go through all my 
               things? You thought it was funny?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well... (picks up some of the pages) 
               From what I saw...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, it's just a first draft!

               
                             JERRY
               I was locked out of my apartment, I'm 
               just trying to get my keys.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why did you let him in?! (Shoves George.)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               He forced me to!

               
                             JERRY
               I did not!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes you did!

               
                             ELAINE
               You! Get out! Get out! Get out!

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, wait! I need my spare keys!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Here! Here's your damn keys, you keep 
               'em! I don't want 'em anymore!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Good!

               
                             ELAINE
               And I want my keys back from you!

               
                             GEORGE
               What, you don't want me to hold your 
               keys?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, you can't be trusted!

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, alright, fine. (Gives the keys 
               to Elaine.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               And I don't want you to hold mine!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Good! I won't!

               
                             JERRY
               Good! Don't! Are these my keys?

               
                             ELAINE
               These aren't my keys!

               
                             GEORGE
               Whose are these?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know!

               
               (Meanwhile, Kramer's finally made it to Los Angeles. He's shown 
               roller-skating through traffic, and nearly running over some 
               guy on a scooter.)
 
               
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               
               
               
               
               New scene, Jerry and Elaine watching "Murphy Brown" in Jerry's 
               apartment.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I just thought I could write it.

               
                             JERRY
               Is that something you want to do?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. Those writers make a lot 
               of money.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, let me tell you something about 
               show business. It's hard work! You don't 
               just write a "Murphy Brown." You gotta 
               watch the show, study it, get a sense 
               of the characters, how they relate to 
               each other.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               O.K., can I just watch the show? (mutters 
               under her breath) God, what an asshole.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What did you say?

               
                             ELAINE
               I didn't say anything.

               
                             JERRY
               I heard something. (Looks at the TV) 
               Elaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's 
               on "Murphy Brown"!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"!

               
                             JERRY
               Look, there he is, he's sittin' at the 
               desk!
 
               
               (Cut to the screen of Jerry's TV.)

               
                             CANDICE BERGEN
               Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, you must be my 
               new secretary.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, good morning, Miss Brown.

               
                             CANDICE BERGEN
               And you are...?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I'm uh, Steven Snell.

               
                             CANDICE BERGEN
               Snell. Well, hello, Mr. Snell.

               
                             KRAMER
               Steven.

               
                             CANDICE BERGEN
               Steven. Are you familiar with this computer 
               system?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh - I'm familiar with it.

               
                             CANDICE BERGEN
               Steven Snell? I know people...and I 
               have a very good feeling about you.
 
               
               
               
                             THE END




The Keys



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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