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                           THE KISS HELLO



                             Written by

                    Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               Now, I was thinking the other day about 
               hair, and that the weird thing about 
               it, is that people will touch other 
               people's hair. You will actually kiss 
               another human being, right on the head. 
               But, if one of those hairs should somehow 
               be able to get out of that skull, and 
               go off on its own, it is now the vilest, 
               most disgusting thing that you can encounter. 
               The same hair. People freak out. (horrified) 
               "There was a hair, in the egg salad!"
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               George sits on the couch with a newspaper, Jerry stands.

               
                             GEORGE
               Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They 
               go out dancing. You
 
               
               think they do the flamenco?

               
                             JERRY
               I would think.

               
                             GEORGE
               So you could call a woman for a date, 
               ask her if she's free for
 
               
               Dinner and a flamenco?

               
                             JERRY
               (scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first 
               date.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular 
               here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah? Would you do it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, I think I would.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I knew you'd have an affinity 
               for it, because it's the
 
               
               dance of a very proud people.

               
               The phone rings. Jerry answers.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens) 
               What? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry 
               about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you 
               later. Alright, bye.
 
               
               He hangs up the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               I have to go over to my grandmother's.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What for?

               
                             JERRY
               I have to open a bottle of ketchup for 
               her.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So, what, no lunch?

               
                             JERRY
               No, we have time.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh. How's she doing?

               
               George rises, and he and Jerry collect their jackets and make 
               their way
 
               
               to the door.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, she's starting to slip a little. 
               Sometimes she has
 
               
               Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier 
               way to open ketchups. They should make 
               it in a tube.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Like toothpaste?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ya-hah.

               
               Jerry and George leave.

               
               
               
               (Street)

               
               Jerry and George stroll along, continuing their conversation.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               There's a squeeze ketchup.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never 
               seen squeeze ketchup.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, if they make squeeze mustard, 
               doesn't it stand to reason
 
               
               that they make squeeze ketchup?

               
                             GEORGE
               Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself 
               to the squeeze.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I really don't see the difference.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's subtle.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet 
               us?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. 
               Uh-oh.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
               They stop walking.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, she's with her friend Wendy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with 
               her.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta 
               kiss her hello. I just did
 
               
               it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread 
               seeing her because
 
               
               of it.

               
               Jerry smiles and waves to Elaine, who is approaching with Wendy. 
               Elaine
 
               
               Waves back.

               
                             ELAINE
               (from a distance) Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. 
               My aunt Sylvia.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire 
               that.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (surprise) Huh. I never heard you say 
               you admire me for
 
               
               anything.

               
                             JERRY
               No, I told you I admire your hearing.
 
               
               
               George waves away the compliment.

               
                             JERRY
               No, don't slough that off, you have 
               great hearing.
 
               
               Jerry and George walk and meet Elaine and Wendy. Wendy greets 
               Jerry
 
               
               with a kiss on the cheek, which he's not happy about. Wendy is 
               attractive, but has
 
               
               a real old-fashioned fifties-style hairdo.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               (to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George) 
               Wendy.
 
               
               Wendy and George shake hands.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're uh, physical therapist, right?
 
               
               
                             WENDY
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I got this little swelling 
               right here. (rolls up his
 
               
               sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make 
               of it?
 
               
               Wendy takes a brief glance at George's proffered limb. Elaine 
               isn't
 
               
               happy that George is bothering Wendy.

               
                             ELAINE
               (warning) George.

               
                             WENDY
               Have you tried heat and ice on it?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like 
               a lotta trouble.
 
               
                             WENDY
               Well, you could come by my office later, 
               I could work on it for
 
               
               you a little.

               
                             GEORGE
               (happy) Oh! Okay.

               
                             WENDY
               Let me give you my card.

               
               Wendy fishes in her bag and hands a card to George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, thank you.

               
                             WENDY
               Well, I'll see you guys later. (to George) 
               Nice meeting you. Bye
 
               
               Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Bye Wendy. I'm sorry.

               
                             WENDY
               Bye Jerry.

               
               Wendy walks away down the street.

               
                             JERRY
               Bye.

               
                             ELAINE
               (slapping George on the arm) What did 
               you do that for?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               (pinching George's arm) Ask about your 
               arm.
 
               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               George, Jerry and Elaine enter.

               
                             GEORGE
               I still don't see why I can't ask her 
               about my arm.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               She's a physical therapist. She doesn't 
               want to have to deal
 
               
               with that outside of the office.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
               The trio sit down in a booth.

               
                             ELAINE
               Because, it is what she does.

               
                             GEORGE
               I love these people, you can't ask 'em 
               questions. (getting
 
               
               excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the 
               delicate genius
 
               
               Unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge 
               sums of money
 
               
               are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!

               
                             ELAINE
               George, you got a little something, 
               right here.
 
               
               Elaine indicates underneath George's nostrils.

               
                             GEORGE
               (wiping the area with a hand) People 
               think they're so
 
               
               important...

               
                             JERRY
               (adamant) Well, I'm going on record 
               right now that that was my
 
               
               last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you know, frankly, outside of 
               a sexual relationship, I
 
               
               don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking 
               either, but
 
               
               one step at a time.

               
                             GEORGE
               (regarding the menu) What're you getting?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, 
               by the way?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She looks like something out of an old 
               high school yearbook. You
 
               
               Should say something to her.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I could never say anything to her 
               about that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could 
               say something like
 
               
               that.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Hah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No. If you tell him to do it, he'll 
               never do it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What you have to do is introduce him, 
               and then he'll just come
 
               
               out with it.

               
                             ELAINE
               (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes, 
               you're right. That's
 
               
               right. I'll bring her over to meet...

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               (to Kramer) ...Kramer.

               
               Kramer strolls over to the table.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hello, boys and girls.

               
                             JERRY
               Speak of the devil.

               
               Kramer sits at the table. Elaine starts to peruse her menu, as 
               Kramer
 
               
               speaks to Jerry.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture 
               of you, buddy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's 
               picture up in the lobby
 
               
               of our building.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               So everyone will know everybody's name. 
               See, people are gonna
 
               
               be a lot friendlier.

               
                             JERRY
               (reluctant) I, I don't want my picture 
               plastered up in the
 
               
               lobby.

               
                             KRAMER
               Imagine walking by someone on the floor, 
               and you say "Hey,
 
               
               Carl!" and he

               
               says "Hey, Jerry!" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna 
               live in.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna 
               stop and talk with
 
               
               everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and 
               be on my way.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's 
               smudged a little. Why do
 
               
               you wear so much eye makeup?

               
                             ELAINE
               (to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah. 
               This is gonna work out just
 
               
               fine.

               
               
               
               (Nana's Apartment)

               
               Leo is in the living room, speaking with Nana, who's in another 
               room.
 
               
                             LEO
               Ma! Again with the ketchup? Don't they 
               have 'em in the plastic
 
               
               Squeeze containers?

               
               There is a knock at the door. Leo opens it, to reveal Jerry.
 
               
               
                             LEO
               (traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello, uncle Leo!

               
                             LEO
               What're you doing here?

               
                             JERRY
               Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle.
 
               
               
                             LEO
               Yeah, me too.

               
               Nana enters with a bottle of ketchup.

               
                             NANA
               Hello Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Nana.

               
               There's a brief pause, as Leo waits for something.

               
                             LEO
               Aren't you gonna kiss her hello?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course.

               
                             NANA
               Ha, well, here's the bottle.

               
               Nana holds out the ketchup.

               
                             LEO
               (grabbing the bottle) I'll do it.

               
                             JERRY
               (also grabbing) What're you doing, I 
               got it.
 
               
               Jerry and Leo begin to struggle for possession of the ketchup.
 
               
               
                             LEO
               Give it to me.

               
                             JERRY
               Will you stop it.

               
                             LEO
               Jerry, will you give me the bottle?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! 
               Take it!
 
               
                             NANA
               You should let Buddy open it.

               
                             LEO
               Buddy? He lived next door to us forty-five 
               years ago.
 
               
               Leo hands the ketchup back to Nana.

               
                             NANA
               Leo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars?
 
               
               
                             LEO
               What fifty dollars?

               
                             NANA
               Your father won a thousand dollars at 
               the track last week, and he
 
               
               gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars 
               to your sister.
 
               
               Nana walks away out of the room again.

               
                             LEO
               Ma, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two.
 
               
               
               Jerry is staring at Leo, with an expression of suspicion.

               
                             LEO
               (laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe 
               me. I don't owe your
 
               
               mother fifty dollars.

               
               Leo continues to force out laughter, and Jerry continues his 
               look of
 
               
               mistrust.

               
               
               
               (Lobby, Jerry's Building)

               
               Elaine and Jerry wait by the elevator. Jerry is speaking to the
 
               
               
               building super.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm just not getting any hot water.
 
               
               
                             JULIO
               Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing 
               worse than when your
 
               
               shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I 
               can, Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Thanks, Julio.

               
                             JULIO
               Awright.

               
               Julio walks away as the elevator arrives. Jerry and Elaine step 
               aboard.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Kramer is rooting through a drawer, searching for something. 
               The door
 
               
               opens and Jerry and Elaine enter.

               
                             JERRY
               Huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               (surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's going on here?

               
                             KRAMER
               (evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               (suspicious) Well, then what're you 
               doing?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I, I need a pen.

               
                             JERRY
               What for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I 
               got a big slice of dough
 
               
               for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (accusingly) You're looking for a picture 
               of me, aren't you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You got that straight.

               
                             JERRY
               I told you, forget it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew 
               everybody, we wouldn't
 
               
               have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't 
               rob somebody, if
 
               
               you know their name!

               
                             JERRY
               You're robbing me.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and 
               you're gonna participate
 
               
               in my program.

               
               Kramer heads out the door, but Elaine intercepts him.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wha... W.. Are you going home?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, could you come back in about five 
               minutes?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see 
               you again.
 
               
               Kramer smiles at this. He exits, but turns to flash the smile 
               at Elaine
 
               
               as he crosses the hall to his apartment. After Kramer goes into 
               his place,
 
               
               Elaine shuts the door of Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               (removing his coat) So? Are you sure 
               Wendy's coming?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, she'll be here any second.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, this'll be a very interesting 
               experiment to see if Kramer
 
               
               Says something. You sure you wanna go through with this?

               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and 
               I know it's because of her
 
               
               hair.

               
               The phone rings, and Jerry picks up. Elaine removes her coat.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's 
               yesterday. I had to
 
               
               help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question. 
               Do you
 
               
               remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand 
               dollars at the
 
               
               track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred 
               dollars, and
 
               
               he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because 
               Nana
 
               
               doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. 
               (listens) Well, I
 
               
               think you should. Okay, bye.

               
               
               
               (The Seinfeld's Place, Florida)

               
               Morty and Helen in the kitchen. Morty has a pencil and pad and 
               a pocket
 
               
               calculator out, doing some work.

               
                             MORTY
               Do you know what the interest on that 
               fifty dollars comes to
 
               
               Over fifty-three years?

               
                             HELEN
               Oh, Morty, please.

               
                             MORTY
               Six hundred and sixty-three dollars 
               and forty-five cents. And
 
               
               that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over 
               fifty-three
 
               
               years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year 
               T-bill...
 
               
                             HELEN
               Morty, will you stop it!

               
                             MORTY
               (determined) Well, he's not getting 
               away with this!
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry by the kitchen. The buzzer sounds, and Jerry answers.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah?

               
                             WENDY
               Wendy.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up.

               
               Elaine enters from the bathroom.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No no, he'll come in. Well, this is 
               gonna be my first
 
               
               opportunity to not kiss her hello.

               
                             ELAINE
               What is the big deal about putting your 
               lips on somebody's
 
               
               face?

               
                             JERRY
               It's the obligation, you know? As soon 
               as this person comes in,
 
               
               you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch 
               a breast as part
 
               
               of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a 
               little better.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How 'bout an intercourse hello? How 
               would that be?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.
 
               
               
               There's a knock at the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               (indicating) That's her. That's her.
 
               
               
               Jerry holds up his hands, indicating he wants a few seconds to 
               prepare.
 
               
               He goes to the refrigerator, and indicates Elaine should let 
               Wendy inside.
 
               
               Elaine opens the door and Wendy enters.

               
                             ELAINE/WENDY
               Hi/Hey.

               
               Jerry has the door of the fridge open, and his head is inside 
               the
 
               
               appliance.

               
                             JERRY
               (muffled) Hi Wendy.

               
                             WENDY
               Oh, hi Jerry.

               
               Wendy wanders over to the fridge.

               
                             JERRY
               (muffled) Would you like something to 
               drink?
 
               
                             WENDY
               Sure.

               
               Jerry holds out his arm, with a bottle in his hand.

               
                             JERRY
               (muffled) There you go.

               
                             WENDY
               (taking the bottle) Ah.

               
               Jerry starts to withdraw his head from the fridge, and Wendy 
               is poised
 
               
               for the kiss hello. But, just as he turns to face her, he opens 
               the freezer
 
               
               compartment and the door blocks her approach. Wendy walks away 
               to the couch.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike 
               bars.
 
               
               Jerry peers around the edge of the door, to see if the coast 
               is clear.
 
               
               Finding

               
               that it is, he closes the various doors of the fridge.

               
                             JERRY
               So, how's everything going?

               
                             WENDY
               Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came 
               by the office the other
 
               
               day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother 
               to the chiropodist.
 
               
               There is a clunk in the hallway, as of Kramer's door opening.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer.
 
               
               
               Jerry's door opens and Kramer enters. He's holding a polaroid 
               camera.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! Jerry!

               
               Jerry turns at the call of his name, and Kramer fires off a quick 
               shot.
 
               
                             JERRY
               C'mon, that's not fair!

               
                             KRAMER
               I told you I was gonna get it.

               
                             JERRY
               No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) 
               Gimme that picture.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (holding the picture away from Jerry) 
               Aagh. No no no no no.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (throws up his hands) Alright, fine. 
               Put my picture up. What do
 
               
               I care?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to 
               meet my friend Wendy.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hello.

               
                             WENDY
               (holds out her hand) Hi.

               
                             KRAMER
               (shaking hands) Yeah.

               
               Kramer does looks at Wendy, and something intrigues him. He turns 
               away,
 
               
               Then back again, unable to take his eyes off her hair.

               
                             KRAMER
               (points) You know, I really like that 
               hairdo.
 
               
               Jerry and Elaine both look surprised and let-down by Kramer.
 
               
               
                             WENDY
               (flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually 
               was thinking it might be
 
               
               time for a change.

               
                             ELAINE
               (hopeful) Oh, you were?

               
                             WENDY
               Well, I...

               
                             KRAMER
               (interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't 
               wanna do that. No no.
 
               
               Nobody wears it like that.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, if she wants to change her hair...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change 
               it. It's very becoming.
 
               
                             WENDY
               Oh, well.

               
               Kramer raises his camera to take a picture of Wendy and her hair.
 
               
               
                             WENDY
               (laughs, flattered) Oh, ho.

               
               Kramer presses the button and nothing happens. He turns the camera 
               up,
 
               
               to look at the front of it and it chooses to fire at that moment, 
               dazzling
 
               
               Kramer with the flash.

               
               
               
               (Wendy's Car)

               
               Wendy drives, Elaine in the passenger seat.

               
                             WENDY
               So, who's that friend of yours? That 
               guy that came in.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Kramer.

               
                             WENDY
               Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend?

               
                             ELAINE
               You wanna go out with him?

               
                             WENDY
               Well, why not?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, it's just that... uh, I don't...
 
               
               
                             WENDY
               What, is there anything wrong with him?
 
               
               
               Elaine stares off for several seconds, with a faraway look in 
               her eyes.
 
               
                             WENDY
               Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm just thinking about the question.
 
               
               
               
               
               (ProFitness Physical Therapy Center)

               
               George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his 
               wrist and
 
               
               Lower arm, clearly much more comfortable.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, my arm feels a lot better. 
               That Wendy really knows
 
               
               her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. 
               (hands over cheque) There
 
               
               you go.

               
               George heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's 
               cheque
 
               
               and finds it's not up to scratch.

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What for?

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and 
               our policy is
 
               
               "twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations".

               
                             GEORGE
               (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. 
               I, I had to drive my
 
               
               mother to, to the chiropodist.

               
               Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears.

               
                             WENDY
               What's the problem?

               
                             GEORGE
               (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being 
               charged for Tuesday's
 
               
               appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.

               
                             WENDY
               Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy.
 
               
               
               Wendy walks out, into another room.

               
                             GEORGE
               (after Wendy and to the receptionist) 
               Oh, you have a policy!
 
               
               (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy!

               
               George heads for the door.

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               So. Will you be here tomorrow?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, 
               so I guess I have to!
 
               
               George leaves, slamming the door behind him.

               
               
               
               (Lobby, Jerry's Building)

               
               Kramer has covered one wall of the lobby with photographs of 
               the
 
               
               tenants. They're all labeled with the appropriate name in magic 
               marker. Kramer
 
               
               is just completing Jerry's name underneath the Polaroid he took 
               earlier. Jerry
 
               
               and Elaine enter from the street.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you 
               think? You like it?
 
               
               Elaine seems generally positive, Jerry's not so enamoured, especially
 
               
               
               by his own picture.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's 
               terrible...
 
               
               The Polaroid has caught Jerry with his mouth hanging open and 
               his eyes
 
               
               wide. It's not flattering in the slightest.

               
                             JERRY
               ...You can't put that picture up.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's 
               just a way for people to
 
               
               get to

               
               know one another.

               
               The elevator opens and a guy (Steve) steps out. He points to 
               Kramer.
 
               
                             STEVE
               Hey Cosmo.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey...

               
               Kramer turns to the wall of pictures, searches around for the 
               face and
 
               
               then

               
               points back. Steve makes his way to the door as Kramer speaks.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               ...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to 
               go out with you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (interested) Well, how do you do?

               
               A woman (Mary) has entered from the street. She stands behind 
               Jerry and
 
               
               Looks through Kramer's gallery of tenants.

               
                             MARY
               Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the 
               photo) Mary.
 
               
                             MARY
               You know, I've seen you so many times 
               and now we can finally talk
 
               
               to each other.

               
                             KRAMER
               (keen) What was I telling you? Isn't 
               this nice?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (not really) Yeah.

               
                             MARY
               Jerry. You know, could you help me with 
               a package?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, sure, yeah.

               
                             MARY
               Thank you.

               
               Mary leans across and gives Jerry a quick kiss on the cheek, 
               then makes
 
               
               her way toward the door. Elaine is giggling gleefully at Jerry's 
               discomfiture.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no!

               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry and Elaine enter. Jerry mad, and Elaine still giggling.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You see? That's just what I need. More 
               kissing!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What is so funny?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud)
 
               
               
               The phone rings and Jerry picks up.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh 
               my... He didn't?! He
 
               
               couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye.

               
               Jerry hangs up the phone, and turns to Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               (aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               (suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to 
               keep her quiet.
 
               
               
               
               (Lobby, Jerry's Building)

               
               Jerry is collecting his mail from his mailbox. A woman (Joan) 
               enters
 
               
               And immediately goes for the kiss hello. She's friendly and overfamiliar.
 
               
               
                             JOAN
               Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (not as eager) Hi Joan.

               
                             JOAN
               How you doing?

               
               Jerry backs away toward the elevator.

               
                             JERRY
               Pretty good.

               
                             JOAN
               Just pretty good? Not great?

               
                             JERRY
               Okay, great.

               
                             JOAN
               Are you happy?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm delighted.

               
                             JOAN
               Okay. Have a nice day.

               
                             JERRY
               You too.

               
               The elevator comes down, the door opens and another woman (Louise)
 
               
               
               emerges, with a big friendly smile for Jerry.

               
                             LOUISE
               Hi Jerry.

               
               Louise also kisses the less than happy looking Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, Louise.

               
               Louise walks on and the unhappy Jerry enters the elevator.

               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer 
               darts
 
               
               into the room.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, well. Thank you very much!

               
                             KRAMER
               For what?

               
                             JERRY
               (agitated) For putting my picture up 
               on that wall! I'm like
 
               
               Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages 
               me in this long,
 
               
               boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You should be thanking me for liberating 
               you from your world of
 
               
               loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.

               
                             JERRY
               Family?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               You think I want another family? My 
               father's demanding my uncle
 
               
               Pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother 
               in
 
               
               nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try 
               and shut
 
               
               her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever 
               you wanna be
 
               
               called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and 
               I don't care what
 
               
               the consequences are.

               
               As Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer 
               takes
 
               
               Jerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right 
               on Jerry's lips.
 
               
               Halfway through the kiss, the door opens and George half-enters. 
               Kramer
 
               
               releases Jerry, who stands bug-eyed with shock. George stands 
               silently in the doorway,
 
               
               he looks from Jerry to Kramer, with a thoughtful expression. 
               Biting his lips,
 
               
               George slowly backs out of the door and closes it behind him.
 
               
               
               
               
               (ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre)

               
               George enters, and the receptionist spots him.

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Oh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying 
               to get in touch
 
               
               with you. Wendy can't make her appointment.

               
                             GEORGE
               What d'you mean?

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               She had some personal affair she had 
               to attend to. I left
 
               
               A message on your machine. You didn't get it?

               
                             GEORGE
               When did you leave the message?

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Few hours ago.

               
                             GEORGE
               (pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require 
               twenty-four hours notice
 
               
               for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five 
               dollars.
 
               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Look, Mister Costanza...

               
                             GEORGE
               Will that be cash, or cheque?

               
               George gives an exaggerated wink.

               
               
               
               (Wendy's Car)

               
               Wendy driving into New York at night with Elaine as passenger. 
               Elaine
 
               
               is wearing much of her ski gear - woolly hat, with goggles on 
               top of her head, and
 
               
               there are ski poles on the back seat.

               
                             WENDY
               I am really glad I took the day off.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than 
               skiing.
 
               
                             WENDY
               Yeah. I hope my clients weren't too 
               upset.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ugh, the hell with 'em.

               
               Wendy and Elaine share a laugh. Wendy then starts to pull the 
               car over
 
               
               to the side of the road.

               
                             ELAINE
               What're you stopping here for?

               
                             WENDY
               I'm dropping you off.

               
                             ELAINE
               (pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks.
 
               
               
                             WENDY
               Yeah, but if I take you to your door, 
               then I have to go all the
 
               
               Way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's 
               all one
 
               
               way...

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, but it's only three blocks.

               
                             WENDY
               Right. It's only three blocks.

               
                             ELAINE
               (unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well...
 
               
               
               
               
               (Street)

               
               Elaine struggles along the sidewalk at night with her ski gear 
               in her
 
               
               arms. She's not finding it easy fighting with the uncomfortable 
               bulk of skis,
 
               
               poles, boots, etc.. Eventually she drops the boots and, rather 
               than pick them
 
               
               up, simply kicks them along in front of her.

               
               
               
               (Street)

               
               Jerry and Elaine walk together.

               
                             ELAINE
               She'd driven me a hundred and twenty 
               miles and, all of a
 
               
               sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. 
               Isn't that strange?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, it's very strange. Very strange.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I've never heard of anything like this. 
               I mean, it's almost as
 
               
               if I was hitch-hiking and she says "Well, this is as far as I 
               can take you."
 
               
                             JERRY
               I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, 
               you'd never get into a car
 
               
               With someone with a hairdo like that.

               
                             ELAINE
               I had to carry my skis, and my boots 
               and my poles. I think I
 
               
               pinched a nerve in my shoulder.

               
                             JERRY
               You should have her work on it for you.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, alright, I gotta go.

               
               
               
               (Lobby, Jerry's Building)

               
               Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby 
               and
 
               
               closes for a kiss hello.

               
                             MAR
               Hi Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Mary.

               
               Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's 
               up against
 
               
               The mailboxes.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello 
               anymore. I'm sorry.
 
               
               It's nothing personal....

               
               Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst.

               
                             JERRY
               ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable 
               and I can't do it.
 
               
               I'm sorry.

               
               The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly 
               and
 
               
               aiming for the kiss hello.

               
                             LOU
               Hi Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Louise...

               
               Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the 
               kiss.
 
               
                             JERRY
               ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not 
               gonna be doing the kiss
 
               
               Hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just 
               can't do it.
 
               
               It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it 
               and uh, I'm
 
               
               sorry.

               
               Jerry backs into the elevator.

               
                             JERRY
               (as the elevator doors close) Thank 
               you for your cooperation.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment/The Seinfeld's Place, Florida)

               
               Jerry answers the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             HELEN
               Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle 
               Leo? Is he paying you?
 
               
               In Florida, Helen is on the phone and Morty is still working 
               out
 
               
               figures with a pad and a calculator.

               
                             HELEN
               Well, he said no. He said we had no 
               proof.
 
               
                             MORTY
               No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, 
               sooner or later, he'll
 
               
               slip up.

               
                             HELEN
               Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on 
               Nana at the home.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay, I will.

               
                             MORTY
               D'you realise, an above-average performing 
               growth mutual fund
 
               
               For fifty-three years...

               
               
               
               (Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry and Kramer emerge from their apartments.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's up?

               
                             JERRY
               (locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit 
               my nana in the nursing
 
               
               home.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh.

               
               They walk together down the hall.

               
               
               
               (Lobby, Jerry's Building)

               
               The elevator doors open and Jerry and Kramer come out. Something 
               on the
 
               
               Wall opposite catches Jerry's eye.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Kramer, look at this.

               
               Jerry points and walks over to Kramer's gallery, Kramer following.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look at my picture!

               
               The photograph has been crudely vandalised with a magic marker.
 
               
               
               'Grade-A Dork' has been written on the forehead, whiskers, spots, 
               horns and a wormlike
 
               
               tongue added and teeth blacked out.

               
                             JERRY
               I've been defaced!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double 
               prints.
 
               
               Behind Kramer a guy (Jack) has entered the building. Jack walks 
               up
 
               
               behind Kramer and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion.
 
               
               
                             JACK
               Hey. Hi Cosmo.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Jack.

               
               Jack gives Jerry an unfriendly look and walks to the elevator 
               without
 
               
               replying. Julio comes out of the elevator, and Jerry walks over 
               to ask him
 
               
               something.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you 
               get to that shower today,
 
               
               You think?

               
                             JULIO
               Oh, I see. When you need something done, 
               you're very friendly to
 
               
               people, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               (defensive) No no, that's not true!
 
               
               
                             JULIO
               (accusing) Well, I think it is! It's 
               a big building, Seinfeld,
 
               
               maybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people 
               who're civil to each
 
               
               other.

               
               Julio stalks away. Jerry swings to give Kramer a look.

               
               
               
               (Knollridge Nursing Home)

               
               Jerry is talking with a nurse on the porch.

               
                             NURSE
               Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know, she really doesn't belong 
               here. My uncle put her here,
 
               
               Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars.
 
               
               
                             NURSE
               Well, she seems very happy. She met 
               an old friend who used to
 
               
               live next door to her.

               
                             JERRY
               Buddy?

               
                             NURSE
               Yes, that's his name. He's right over 
               there.
 
               
               The nurse indicates an elderly guy with a white moustache, wearing 
               a
 
               
               cap and reading a newspaper on a bench outside.

               
               
               
               (ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre)

               
               George is talking with Wendy at the counter.

               
                             WENDY
               (smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you 
               anything. I had some
 
               
               personal

               
               business that day.

               
                             GEORGE
               (irascible) Oh, I see. So your time 
               is more valuable than mine.
 
               
               Is that it? You're a delicate genius!

               
               Behind George, Elaine has slipped in the door.

               
                             WENDY
               A delicate genius?

               
               George spots Elaine.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               (surprised) George!

               
               George stalks past Elaine and exits.

               
                             GEORGE
               (leaving) Hah. Good luck.

               
                             WENDY
               What's going on?

               
                             ELAINE
               (feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my 
               shoulder, Wednesday, when
 
               
               You dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, 
               and my poles
 
               
               and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting 
               my arm.
 
               
               Do you think you could give me some treatment?

               
                             WENDY
               Oh sure. You have insurance, right?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (shocked) Insurance? You're charging 
               me?
 
               
               Behind Elaine, George is standing in the open door

               
                             GEORGE
               Wednesday? That's your personal business?! 
               (stalks over to the
 
               
               counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're 
               shushing all over a
 
               
               mountain?

               
                             WENDY
               How did you hear that?

               
                             GEORGE
               I hear everything.

               
                             WENDY
               I mean, why don't you two just take 
               your business elsewhere,
 
               
               hmm?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon 
               George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Let's go.

               
               Elaine and George, united, head for the door. AS they get there, 
               Elaine
 
               
               turns to deliver her parting shot.

               
                             ELAINE
               (pointedly) And you know, you might 
               wanna do something about
 
               
               that hair.

               
                             WENDY
               Why, what's wrong with my hair?

               
                             ELAINE
               Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned. 
               Don't you? (to
 
               
               receptionist) Uh, tell her.

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               She's right.

               
               
               
               (Nursing Home)

               
               Jerry and Buddy sit on the bench, reminiscing.

               
                             JERRY
               So you were with him that day at the 
               track?
 
               
                             BUDDY
               Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars. 
               His son was there too.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Leo?

               
                             BUDDY
               Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious 
               little kid. He used
 
               
               to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is that so?

               
                             BUDDY
               And, after your grandfather hit the 
               daily double, he gave him a
 
               
               Hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His 
               sister? Why I
 
               
               tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, that's very interesting.

               
               Just then, uncle Leo strolls up the path to the nursing home. 
               Jerry
 
               
               spots his arrival.

               
                             JERRY
               (standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an 
               old acquaintance of yours.
 
               
               (indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a 
               story about you and
 
               
               Grandpa at the track.

               
               Leo's caught out, and looks worried.

               
                             LEO
               (defensive) One second...

               
                             JERRY
               (with a triumphant point) You're busted!
 
               
               
               
               
               (Lobby, Jerry's Building)

               
               Jerry enters from the street. Steve is in the lobby, collecting 
               his
 
               
               mail. Jerry decides to be friendly.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Steve. How you doing?

               
               Steve turns to Jerry, gives him a disdainful look, and turns 
               away
 
               
               again. Another guy (Jeff) approaches from within the building. 
               Jerry tries the
 
               
               friendly approach again.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Jeff. What's happening?

               
               Jeff completely blanks Jerry and goes to get his mail. Jerry 
               spots Mary
 
               
               over by Kramer's gallery wall, and walks across to her.

               
                             JERRY
               Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss.

               
               Mary moves to avoid Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made 
               a mistake!
 
               
                             MARY
               (contemptuous) Look, why don't you do 
               everybody a favour, and
 
               
               just get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here. 
               Nobody!
 
               
               Jerry looks downcast. Mary walks over to the mailboxes, where 
               she
 
               
               greets Jeff and Steve.

               
                             JEFF
               Hi Mary.

               
                             MARY
               Hi Jeff. How are you?

               
               Mary and Jeff kiss hello.

               
                             MARY
               Hi Pete. How you doing?

               
               Mary and Pete kiss hello.

               
                             PETE
               Hey, let's go get some coffee.

               
                             JEFF
               Great idea.

               
                             MARY
               Oh, that'd be great.

               
               The three of them exit together chatting happily, watched by 
               a rueful
 
               
               Jerry. Jerry looks at his photo on the wall and adjusts it so 
               it's straight.
 
               
               Then Jerry notices the elevator is about to go up, so he asks 
               a favour of the
 
               
               occupant as

               
               he crosses the lobby.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Paul, could you hold that door...
 
               
               
               But Paul makes no move to hold the door, which shuts in Jerry's 
               face.
 
               
               
               
               (Hall Outside Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Jerry, wearing a bathrobe and with a towel round his neck, knocks 
               at
 
               
               Kramer's door. Kramer takes a quick peek through the peephole, 
               then opens the
 
               
               door.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. Could I use your shower?

               
                             KRAMER
               What, again? You took one this morning.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I know but I... (waves toward the interior 
               of his apartment)
 
               
               Little problem.

               
                             KRAMER
               (leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy 
               here?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No no no. She changed her hairstyle, 
               (pulls a face) it's
 
               
               terrible. No,

               
               we're done.

               
               A happy looking guy pushes his way past Kramer and out of the
 
               
               
               apartment.

               
                             GUY
               I'll go get some more beer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after 
               the guy) And get some of
 
               
               those blue corn chips.

               
               An attractive redheaded woman comes along the hallway. Kramer 
               greets
 
               
               Her approach.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             STEFANIE
               Hi Cosmo.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi.

               
                             STEFANIE
               (kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh, I like that.

               
                             JERRY
               (impressed) Who's that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Stefanie. 2-G.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few 
               people here.
 
               
               Jerry tries to see around Kramer into his apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite 
               you in, but uhm... you know.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand.
 
               
               
               Kramer closes the door, and Jerry can be seen peering through 
               the narrowing gap until it shuts.

               
               
               
                              THE END



The Kiss Hello



Writers :   Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld
Genres :   Comedy


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