THE KISS HELLO
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Comedy club)
JERRY
Now, I was thinking the other day about
hair, and that the weird thing about
it, is that people will touch other
people's hair. You will actually kiss
another human being, right on the head.
But, if one of those hairs should somehow
be able to get out of that skull, and
go off on its own, it is now the vilest,
most disgusting thing that you can encounter.
The same hair. People freak out. (horrified)
"There was a hair, in the egg salad!"
(Jerry's Apartment)
George sits on the couch with a newspaper, Jerry stands.
GEORGE
Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They
go out dancing. You
think they do the flamenco?
JERRY
I would think.
GEORGE
So you could call a woman for a date,
ask her if she's free for
Dinner and a flamenco?
JERRY
(scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first
date.
GEORGE
Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular
here.
JERRY
Yeah? Would you do it?
GEORGE
Yes, I think I would.
JERRY
Well, I knew you'd have an affinity
for it, because it's the
dance of a very proud people.
The phone rings. Jerry answers.
JERRY
Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens)
What? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry
about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you
later. Alright, bye.
He hangs up the phone.
JERRY
I have to go over to my grandmother's.
GEORGE
What for?
JERRY
I have to open a bottle of ketchup for
her.
GEORGE
So, what, no lunch?
JERRY
No, we have time.
GEORGE
Oh. How's she doing?
George rises, and he and Jerry collect their jackets and make
their way
to the door.
JERRY
Ah, she's starting to slip a little.
Sometimes she has
Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present.
GEORGE
Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier
way to open ketchups. They should make
it in a tube.
JERRY
Like toothpaste?
GEORGE
Ya-hah.
Jerry and George leave.
(Street)
Jerry and George stroll along, continuing their conversation.
JERRY
There's a squeeze ketchup.
GEORGE
I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never
seen squeeze ketchup.
JERRY
Well, if they make squeeze mustard,
doesn't it stand to reason
that they make squeeze ketchup?
GEORGE
Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself
to the squeeze.
JERRY
I really don't see the difference.
GEORGE
Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle.
JERRY
It's subtle.
GEORGE
Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet
us?
JERRY
(looking ahead) Yeah, there she is.
Uh-oh.
GEORGE
What?
They stop walking.
JERRY
Ah, she's with her friend Wendy.
GEORGE
Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist?
JERRY
Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with
her.
GEORGE
Really?
JERRY
Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta
kiss her hello. I just did
it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread
seeing her because
of it.
Jerry smiles and waves to Elaine, who is approaching with Wendy.
Elaine
Waves back.
ELAINE
(from a distance) Hey.
GEORGE
You know, I'm down to one kiss hello.
My aunt Sylvia.
JERRY
Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire
that.
GEORGE
(surprise) Huh. I never heard you say
you admire me for
anything.
JERRY
No, I told you I admire your hearing.
George waves away the compliment.
JERRY
No, don't slough that off, you have
great hearing.
Jerry and George walk and meet Elaine and Wendy. Wendy greets
Jerry
with a kiss on the cheek, which he's not happy about. Wendy is
attractive, but has
a real old-fashioned fifties-style hairdo.
ELAINE
(to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George)
Wendy.
Wendy and George shake hands.
GEORGE
You're uh, physical therapist, right?
WENDY
Yes.
GEORGE
You know, I got this little swelling
right here. (rolls up his
sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make
of it?
Wendy takes a brief glance at George's proffered limb. Elaine
isn't
happy that George is bothering Wendy.
ELAINE
(warning) George.
WENDY
Have you tried heat and ice on it?
GEORGE
(reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like
a lotta trouble.
WENDY
Well, you could come by my office later,
I could work on it for
you a little.
GEORGE
(happy) Oh! Okay.
WENDY
Let me give you my card.
Wendy fishes in her bag and hands a card to George.
GEORGE
Oh, thank you.
WENDY
Well, I'll see you guys later. (to George)
Nice meeting you. Bye
Elaine.
ELAINE
Bye Wendy. I'm sorry.
WENDY
Bye Jerry.
Wendy walks away down the street.
JERRY
Bye.
ELAINE
(slapping George on the arm) What did
you do that for?
GEORGE
What?
ELAINE
(pinching George's arm) Ask about your
arm.
(Monk's)
George, Jerry and Elaine enter.
GEORGE
I still don't see why I can't ask her
about my arm.
ELAINE
She's a physical therapist. She doesn't
want to have to deal
with that outside of the office.
GEORGE
Why not?
The trio sit down in a booth.
ELAINE
Because, it is what she does.
GEORGE
I love these people, you can't ask 'em
questions. (getting
excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the
delicate genius
Unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge
sums of money
are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
ELAINE
George, you got a little something,
right here.
Elaine indicates underneath George's nostrils.
GEORGE
(wiping the area with a hand) People
think they're so
important...
JERRY
(adamant) Well, I'm going on record
right now that that was my
last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
Well, you know, frankly, outside of
a sexual relationship, I
don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking
either, but
one step at a time.
GEORGE
(regarding the menu) What're you getting?
JERRY
(to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo,
by the way?
ELAINE
Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering.
JERRY
She looks like something out of an old
high school yearbook. You
Should say something to her.
ELAINE
Oh, I could never say anything to her
about that.
JERRY
Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could
say something like
that.
ELAINE
Yeah. Hah.
GEORGE
Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.
ELAINE
No. If you tell him to do it, he'll
never do it.
JERRY
What you have to do is introduce him,
and then he'll just come
out with it.
ELAINE
(sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes,
you're right. That's
right. I'll bring her over to meet...
Kramer enters.
ELAINE
(to Kramer) ...Kramer.
Kramer strolls over to the table.
KRAMER
Hello, boys and girls.
JERRY
Speak of the devil.
Kramer sits at the table. Elaine starts to peruse her menu, as
Kramer
speaks to Jerry.
KRAMER
Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture
of you, buddy.
JERRY
What for?
KRAMER
Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's
picture up in the lobby
of our building.
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
So everyone will know everybody's name.
See, people are gonna
be a lot friendlier.
JERRY
(reluctant) I, I don't want my picture
plastered up in the
lobby.
KRAMER
Imagine walking by someone on the floor,
and you say "Hey,
Carl!" and he
says "Hey, Jerry!" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna
live in.
JERRY
(still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna
stop and talk with
everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and
be on my way.
KRAMER
(to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's
smudged a little. Why do
you wear so much eye makeup?
ELAINE
(to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah.
This is gonna work out just
fine.
(Nana's Apartment)
Leo is in the living room, speaking with Nana, who's in another
room.
LEO
Ma! Again with the ketchup? Don't they
have 'em in the plastic
Squeeze containers?
There is a knock at the door. Leo opens it, to reveal Jerry.
LEO
(traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello!
JERRY
Hello, uncle Leo!
LEO
What're you doing here?
JERRY
Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle.
LEO
Yeah, me too.
Nana enters with a bottle of ketchup.
NANA
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Hi Nana.
There's a brief pause, as Leo waits for something.
LEO
Aren't you gonna kiss her hello?
JERRY
Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course.
NANA
Ha, well, here's the bottle.
Nana holds out the ketchup.
LEO
(grabbing the bottle) I'll do it.
JERRY
(also grabbing) What're you doing, I
got it.
Jerry and Leo begin to struggle for possession of the ketchup.
LEO
Give it to me.
JERRY
Will you stop it.
LEO
Jerry, will you give me the bottle?
JERRY
Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright!
Take it!
NANA
You should let Buddy open it.
LEO
Buddy? He lived next door to us forty-five
years ago.
Leo hands the ketchup back to Nana.
NANA
Leo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars?
LEO
What fifty dollars?
NANA
Your father won a thousand dollars at
the track last week, and he
gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars
to your sister.
Nana walks away out of the room again.
LEO
Ma, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two.
Jerry is staring at Leo, with an expression of suspicion.
LEO
(laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe
me. I don't owe your
mother fifty dollars.
Leo continues to force out laughter, and Jerry continues his
look of
mistrust.
(Lobby, Jerry's Building)
Elaine and Jerry wait by the elevator. Jerry is speaking to the
building super.
JERRY
I'm just not getting any hot water.
JULIO
Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing
worse than when your
shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I
can, Jerry.
JERRY
Thanks, Julio.
JULIO
Awright.
Julio walks away as the elevator arrives. Jerry and Elaine step
aboard.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Kramer is rooting through a drawer, searching for something.
The door
opens and Jerry and Elaine enter.
JERRY
Huh?
KRAMER
(surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello!
JERRY
What's going on here?
KRAMER
(evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing.
JERRY
(suspicious) Well, then what're you
doing?
KRAMER
Oh, I, I need a pen.
JERRY
What for?
KRAMER
Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I
got a big slice of dough
for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you.
JERRY
(accusingly) You're looking for a picture
of me, aren't you?
KRAMER
You got that straight.
JERRY
I told you, forget it.
KRAMER
Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew
everybody, we wouldn't
have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't
rob somebody, if
you know their name!
JERRY
You're robbing me.
KRAMER
Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and
you're gonna participate
in my program.
Kramer heads out the door, but Elaine intercepts him.
ELAINE
Wha... W.. Are you going home?
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Uh, could you come back in about five
minutes?
KRAMER
Why?
ELAINE
No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see
you again.
Kramer smiles at this. He exits, but turns to flash the smile
at Elaine
as he crosses the hall to his apartment. After Kramer goes into
his place,
Elaine shuts the door of Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
(removing his coat) So? Are you sure
Wendy's coming?
ELAINE
Yeah, she'll be here any second.
JERRY
Well, this'll be a very interesting
experiment to see if Kramer
Says something. You sure you wanna go through with this?
ELAINE
Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and
I know it's because of her
hair.
The phone rings, and Jerry picks up. Elaine removes her coat.
JERRY
Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's
yesterday. I had to
help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question.
Do you
remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand
dollars at the
track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred
dollars, and
he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because
Nana
doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened.
(listens) Well, I
think you should. Okay, bye.
(The Seinfeld's Place, Florida)
Morty and Helen in the kitchen. Morty has a pencil and pad and
a pocket
calculator out, doing some work.
MORTY
Do you know what the interest on that
fifty dollars comes to
Over fifty-three years?
HELEN
Oh, Morty, please.
MORTY
Six hundred and sixty-three dollars
and forty-five cents. And
that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over
fifty-three
years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year
T-bill...
HELEN
Morty, will you stop it!
MORTY
(determined) Well, he's not getting
away with this!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry by the kitchen. The buzzer sounds, and Jerry answers.
JERRY
Yeah?
WENDY
Wendy.
JERRY
Come on up.
Elaine enters from the bathroom.
ELAINE
Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer?
JERRY
No no, he'll come in. Well, this is
gonna be my first
opportunity to not kiss her hello.
ELAINE
What is the big deal about putting your
lips on somebody's
face?
JERRY
It's the obligation, you know? As soon
as this person comes in,
you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch
a breast as part
of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a
little better.
ELAINE
How 'bout an intercourse hello? How
would that be?
JERRY
Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.
There's a knock at the door.
ELAINE
(indicating) That's her. That's her.
Jerry holds up his hands, indicating he wants a few seconds to
prepare.
He goes to the refrigerator, and indicates Elaine should let
Wendy inside.
Elaine opens the door and Wendy enters.
ELAINE/WENDY
Hi/Hey.
Jerry has the door of the fridge open, and his head is inside
the
appliance.
JERRY
(muffled) Hi Wendy.
WENDY
Oh, hi Jerry.
Wendy wanders over to the fridge.
JERRY
(muffled) Would you like something to
drink?
WENDY
Sure.
Jerry holds out his arm, with a bottle in his hand.
JERRY
(muffled) There you go.
WENDY
(taking the bottle) Ah.
Jerry starts to withdraw his head from the fridge, and Wendy
is poised
for the kiss hello. But, just as he turns to face her, he opens
the freezer
compartment and the door blocks her approach. Wendy walks away
to the couch.
JERRY
Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike
bars.
Jerry peers around the edge of the door, to see if the coast
is clear.
Finding
that it is, he closes the various doors of the fridge.
JERRY
So, how's everything going?
WENDY
Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came
by the office the other
day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me.
JERRY
Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother
to the chiropodist.
There is a clunk in the hallway, as of Kramer's door opening.
ELAINE
Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer.
Jerry's door opens and Kramer enters. He's holding a polaroid
camera.
KRAMER
Hey! Jerry!
Jerry turns at the call of his name, and Kramer fires off a quick
shot.
JERRY
C'mon, that's not fair!
KRAMER
I told you I was gonna get it.
JERRY
No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer)
Gimme that picture.
KRAMER
(holding the picture away from Jerry)
Aagh. No no no no no.
JERRY
(throws up his hands) Alright, fine.
Put my picture up. What do
I care?
ELAINE
Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to
meet my friend Wendy.
KRAMER
Oh, hello.
WENDY
(holds out her hand) Hi.
KRAMER
(shaking hands) Yeah.
Kramer does looks at Wendy, and something intrigues him. He turns
away,
Then back again, unable to take his eyes off her hair.
KRAMER
(points) You know, I really like that
hairdo.
Jerry and Elaine both look surprised and let-down by Kramer.
WENDY
(flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually
was thinking it might be
time for a change.
ELAINE
(hopeful) Oh, you were?
WENDY
Well, I...
KRAMER
(interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't
wanna do that. No no.
Nobody wears it like that.
ELAINE
Kramer, if she wants to change her hair...
KRAMER
No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change
it. It's very becoming.
WENDY
Oh, well.
Kramer raises his camera to take a picture of Wendy and her hair.
WENDY
(laughs, flattered) Oh, ho.
Kramer presses the button and nothing happens. He turns the camera
up,
to look at the front of it and it chooses to fire at that moment,
dazzling
Kramer with the flash.
(Wendy's Car)
Wendy drives, Elaine in the passenger seat.
WENDY
So, who's that friend of yours? That
guy that came in.
ELAINE
Oh, Kramer.
WENDY
Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend?
ELAINE
You wanna go out with him?
WENDY
Well, why not?
ELAINE
Well, it's just that... uh, I don't...
WENDY
What, is there anything wrong with him?
Elaine stares off for several seconds, with a faraway look in
her eyes.
WENDY
Elaine?
ELAINE
I'm just thinking about the question.
(ProFitness Physical Therapy Center)
George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his
wrist and
Lower arm, clearly much more comfortable.
GEORGE
You know, my arm feels a lot better.
That Wendy really knows
her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)
RECEPTIONIST
(perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.
GEORGE
(tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time.
(hands over cheque) There
you go.
George heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's
cheque
and finds it's not up to scratch.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.
GEORGE
What for?
RECEPTIONIST
Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and
our policy is
"twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations".
GEORGE
(agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come.
I, I had to drive my
mother to, to the chiropodist.
Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears.
WENDY
What's the problem?
GEORGE
(harassed) Are you aware that I'm being
charged for Tuesday's
appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.
WENDY
Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy.
Wendy walks out, into another room.
GEORGE
(after Wendy and to the receptionist)
Oh, you have a policy!
(to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy!
George heads for the door.
RECEPTIONIST
So. Will you be here tomorrow?
GEORGE
Well, it's less than twenty-four hours,
so I guess I have to!
George leaves, slamming the door behind him.
(Lobby, Jerry's Building)
Kramer has covered one wall of the lobby with photographs of
the
tenants. They're all labeled with the appropriate name in magic
marker. Kramer
is just completing Jerry's name underneath the Polaroid he took
earlier. Jerry
and Elaine enter from the street.
KRAMER
Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you
think? You like it?
Elaine seems generally positive, Jerry's not so enamoured, especially
by his own picture.
JERRY
Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's
terrible...
The Polaroid has caught Jerry with his mouth hanging open and
his eyes
wide. It's not flattering in the slightest.
JERRY
...You can't put that picture up.
KRAMER
Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's
just a way for people to
get to
know one another.
The elevator opens and a guy (Steve) steps out. He points to
Kramer.
STEVE
Hey Cosmo.
KRAMER
Hey...
Kramer turns to the wall of pictures, searches around for the
face and
then
points back. Steve makes his way to the door as Kramer speaks.
KRAMER
...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see?
ELAINE
Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to
go out with you.
KRAMER
(interested) Well, how do you do?
A woman (Mary) has entered from the street. She stands behind
Jerry and
Looks through Kramer's gallery of tenants.
MARY
Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry.
JERRY
Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the
photo) Mary.
MARY
You know, I've seen you so many times
and now we can finally talk
to each other.
KRAMER
(keen) What was I telling you? Isn't
this nice?
JERRY
(not really) Yeah.
MARY
Jerry. You know, could you help me with
a package?
JERRY
Oh, sure, yeah.
MARY
Thank you.
Mary leans across and gives Jerry a quick kiss on the cheek,
then makes
her way toward the door. Elaine is giggling gleefully at Jerry's
discomfiture.
JERRY
Oh, no!
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry and Elaine enter. Jerry mad, and Elaine still giggling.
JERRY
You see? That's just what I need. More
kissing!
ELAINE
(laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee...
JERRY
What is so funny?
ELAINE
Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud)
The phone rings and Jerry picks up.
JERRY
Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh
my... He didn't?! He
couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye.
Jerry hangs up the phone, and turns to Elaine.
JERRY
(aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home!
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
(suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to
keep her quiet.
(Lobby, Jerry's Building)
Jerry is collecting his mail from his mailbox. A woman (Joan)
enters
And immediately goes for the kiss hello. She's friendly and overfamiliar.
JOAN
Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah.
JERRY
(not as eager) Hi Joan.
JOAN
How you doing?
Jerry backs away toward the elevator.
JERRY
Pretty good.
JOAN
Just pretty good? Not great?
JERRY
Okay, great.
JOAN
Are you happy?
JERRY
Oh, I'm delighted.
JOAN
Okay. Have a nice day.
JERRY
You too.
The elevator comes down, the door opens and another woman (Louise)
emerges, with a big friendly smile for Jerry.
LOUISE
Hi Jerry.
Louise also kisses the less than happy looking Jerry.
JERRY
Hi, Louise.
Louise walks on and the unhappy Jerry enters the elevator.
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer
darts
into the room.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Ah, well. Thank you very much!
KRAMER
For what?
JERRY
(agitated) For putting my picture up
on that wall! I'm like
Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages
me in this long,
boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!
KRAMER
You should be thanking me for liberating
you from your world of
loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.
JERRY
Family?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
You think I want another family? My
father's demanding my uncle
Pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother
in
nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try
and shut
her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever
you wanna be
called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and
I don't care what
the consequences are.
As Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer
takes
Jerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right
on Jerry's lips.
Halfway through the kiss, the door opens and George half-enters.
Kramer
releases Jerry, who stands bug-eyed with shock. George stands
silently in the doorway,
he looks from Jerry to Kramer, with a thoughtful expression.
Biting his lips,
George slowly backs out of the door and closes it behind him.
(ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre)
George enters, and the receptionist spots him.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying
to get in touch
with you. Wendy can't make her appointment.
GEORGE
What d'you mean?
RECEPTIONIST
She had some personal affair she had
to attend to. I left
A message on your machine. You didn't get it?
GEORGE
When did you leave the message?
RECEPTIONIST
Few hours ago.
GEORGE
(pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require
twenty-four hours notice
for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five
dollars.
RECEPTIONIST
Look, Mister Costanza...
GEORGE
Will that be cash, or cheque?
George gives an exaggerated wink.
(Wendy's Car)
Wendy driving into New York at night with Elaine as passenger.
Elaine
is wearing much of her ski gear - woolly hat, with goggles on
top of her head, and
there are ski poles on the back seat.
WENDY
I am really glad I took the day off.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than
skiing.
WENDY
Yeah. I hope my clients weren't too
upset.
ELAINE
Ugh, the hell with 'em.
Wendy and Elaine share a laugh. Wendy then starts to pull the
car over
to the side of the road.
ELAINE
What're you stopping here for?
WENDY
I'm dropping you off.
ELAINE
(pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks.
WENDY
Yeah, but if I take you to your door,
then I have to go all the
Way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's
all one
way...
ELAINE
Yeah, but it's only three blocks.
WENDY
Right. It's only three blocks.
ELAINE
(unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well...
(Street)
Elaine struggles along the sidewalk at night with her ski gear
in her
arms. She's not finding it easy fighting with the uncomfortable
bulk of skis,
poles, boots, etc.. Eventually she drops the boots and, rather
than pick them
up, simply kicks them along in front of her.
(Street)
Jerry and Elaine walk together.
ELAINE
She'd driven me a hundred and twenty
miles and, all of a
sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over.
Isn't that strange?
JERRY
Yes, it's very strange. Very strange.
ELAINE
I've never heard of anything like this.
I mean, it's almost as
if I was hitch-hiking and she says "Well, this is as far as I
can take you."
JERRY
I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking,
you'd never get into a car
With someone with a hairdo like that.
ELAINE
I had to carry my skis, and my boots
and my poles. I think I
pinched a nerve in my shoulder.
JERRY
You should have her work on it for you.
ELAINE
Yeah, alright, I gotta go.
(Lobby, Jerry's Building)
Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby
and
closes for a kiss hello.
MAR
Hi Jerry.
JERRY
Hi Mary.
Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's
up against
The mailboxes.
JERRY
Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello
anymore. I'm sorry.
It's nothing personal....
Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst.
JERRY
...It just makes me a little uncomfortable
and I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly
and
aiming for the kiss hello.
LOU
Hi Jerry.
JERRY
Hi Louise...
Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the
kiss.
JERRY
...I was just telling Mary how I'm not
gonna be doing the kiss
Hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just
can't do it.
It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it
and uh, I'm
sorry.
Jerry backs into the elevator.
JERRY
(as the elevator doors close) Thank
you for your cooperation.
(Jerry's Apartment/The Seinfeld's Place, Florida)
Jerry answers the phone.
JERRY
Hello.
HELEN
Jerry?
JERRY
Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle
Leo? Is he paying you?
In Florida, Helen is on the phone and Morty is still working
out
figures with a pad and a calculator.
HELEN
Well, he said no. He said we had no
proof.
MORTY
No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook,
sooner or later, he'll
slip up.
HELEN
Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on
Nana at the home.
JERRY
Okay, I will.
MORTY
D'you realise, an above-average performing
growth mutual fund
For fifty-three years...
(Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry and Kramer emerge from their apartments.
KRAMER
What's up?
JERRY
(locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit
my nana in the nursing
home.
KRAMER
Oh.
They walk together down the hall.
(Lobby, Jerry's Building)
The elevator doors open and Jerry and Kramer come out. Something
on the
Wall opposite catches Jerry's eye.
JERRY
Hey, Kramer, look at this.
Jerry points and walks over to Kramer's gallery, Kramer following.
JERRY
Look at my picture!
The photograph has been crudely vandalised with a magic marker.
'Grade-A Dork' has been written on the forehead, whiskers, spots,
horns and a wormlike
tongue added and teeth blacked out.
JERRY
I've been defaced!
KRAMER
Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double
prints.
Behind Kramer a guy (Jack) has entered the building. Jack walks
up
behind Kramer and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion.
JACK
Hey. Hi Cosmo.
KRAMER
Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?
JERRY
Hi Jack.
Jack gives Jerry an unfriendly look and walks to the elevator
without
replying. Julio comes out of the elevator, and Jerry walks over
to ask him
something.
JERRY
Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you
get to that shower today,
You think?
JULIO
Oh, I see. When you need something done,
you're very friendly to
people, huh?
JERRY
(defensive) No no, that's not true!
JULIO
(accusing) Well, I think it is! It's
a big building, Seinfeld,
maybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people
who're civil to each
other.
Julio stalks away. Jerry swings to give Kramer a look.
(Knollridge Nursing Home)
Jerry is talking with a nurse on the porch.
NURSE
Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards.
JERRY
You know, she really doesn't belong
here. My uncle put her here,
Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars.
NURSE
Well, she seems very happy. She met
an old friend who used to
live next door to her.
JERRY
Buddy?
NURSE
Yes, that's his name. He's right over
there.
The nurse indicates an elderly guy with a white moustache, wearing
a
cap and reading a newspaper on a bench outside.
(ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre)
George is talking with Wendy at the counter.
WENDY
(smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you
anything. I had some
personal
business that day.
GEORGE
(irascible) Oh, I see. So your time
is more valuable than mine.
Is that it? You're a delicate genius!
Behind George, Elaine has slipped in the door.
WENDY
A delicate genius?
George spots Elaine.
GEORGE
Elaine?
ELAINE
(surprised) George!
George stalks past Elaine and exits.
GEORGE
(leaving) Hah. Good luck.
WENDY
What's going on?
ELAINE
(feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my
shoulder, Wednesday, when
You dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots,
and my poles
and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting
my arm.
Do you think you could give me some treatment?
WENDY
Oh sure. You have insurance, right?
ELAINE
(shocked) Insurance? You're charging
me?
Behind Elaine, George is standing in the open door
GEORGE
Wednesday? That's your personal business?!
(stalks over to the
counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're
shushing all over a
mountain?
WENDY
How did you hear that?
GEORGE
I hear everything.
WENDY
I mean, why don't you two just take
your business elsewhere,
hmm?
ELAINE
Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon
George.
GEORGE
Yeah. Let's go.
Elaine and George, united, head for the door. AS they get there,
Elaine
turns to deliver her parting shot.
ELAINE
(pointedly) And you know, you might
wanna do something about
that hair.
WENDY
Why, what's wrong with my hair?
ELAINE
Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned.
Don't you? (to
receptionist) Uh, tell her.
RECEPTIONIST
She's right.
(Nursing Home)
Jerry and Buddy sit on the bench, reminiscing.
JERRY
So you were with him that day at the
track?
BUDDY
Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars.
His son was there too.
JERRY
Leo?
BUDDY
Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious
little kid. He used
to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh?
JERRY
Is that so?
BUDDY
And, after your grandfather hit the
daily double, he gave him a
Hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His
sister? Why I
tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took!
JERRY
Well, that's very interesting.
Just then, uncle Leo strolls up the path to the nursing home.
Jerry
spots his arrival.
JERRY
(standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an
old acquaintance of yours.
(indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a
story about you and
Grandpa at the track.
Leo's caught out, and looks worried.
LEO
(defensive) One second...
JERRY
(with a triumphant point) You're busted!
(Lobby, Jerry's Building)
Jerry enters from the street. Steve is in the lobby, collecting
his
mail. Jerry decides to be friendly.
JERRY
Hey, Steve. How you doing?
Steve turns to Jerry, gives him a disdainful look, and turns
away
again. Another guy (Jeff) approaches from within the building.
Jerry tries the
friendly approach again.
JERRY
Hey, Jeff. What's happening?
Jeff completely blanks Jerry and goes to get his mail. Jerry
spots Mary
over by Kramer's gallery wall, and walks across to her.
JERRY
Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss.
Mary moves to avoid Jerry.
JERRY
Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made
a mistake!
MARY
(contemptuous) Look, why don't you do
everybody a favour, and
just get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here.
Nobody!
Jerry looks downcast. Mary walks over to the mailboxes, where
she
greets Jeff and Steve.
JEFF
Hi Mary.
MARY
Hi Jeff. How are you?
Mary and Jeff kiss hello.
MARY
Hi Pete. How you doing?
Mary and Pete kiss hello.
PETE
Hey, let's go get some coffee.
JEFF
Great idea.
MARY
Oh, that'd be great.
The three of them exit together chatting happily, watched by
a rueful
Jerry. Jerry looks at his photo on the wall and adjusts it so
it's straight.
Then Jerry notices the elevator is about to go up, so he asks
a favour of the
occupant as
he crosses the lobby.
JERRY
Oh, Paul, could you hold that door...
But Paul makes no move to hold the door, which shuts in Jerry's
face.
(Hall Outside Kramer's Apartment)
Jerry, wearing a bathrobe and with a towel round his neck, knocks
at
Kramer's door. Kramer takes a quick peek through the peephole,
then opens the
door.
KRAMER
Hi.
JERRY
Hey. Could I use your shower?
KRAMER
What, again? You took one this morning.
JERRY
(pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please.
KRAMER
I know but I... (waves toward the interior
of his apartment)
Little problem.
KRAMER
(leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy
here?
KRAMER
No no no. She changed her hairstyle,
(pulls a face) it's
terrible. No,
we're done.
A happy looking guy pushes his way past Kramer and out of the
apartment.
GUY
I'll go get some more beer.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after
the guy) And get some of
those blue corn chips.
An attractive redheaded woman comes along the hallway. Kramer
greets
Her approach.
KRAMER
Hey.
STEFANIE
Hi Cosmo.
KRAMER
Hi.
STEFANIE
(kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah.
KRAMER
Ooh, I like that.
JERRY
(impressed) Who's that?
KRAMER
Stefanie. 2-G.
JERRY
Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few
people here.
Jerry tries to see around Kramer into his apartment.
KRAMER
Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite
you in, but uhm... you know.
JERRY
(rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand.
Kramer closes the door, and Jerry can be seen peering through
the narrowing gap until it shuts.
THE END
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