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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE LABEL MAKER



                             Written by

                     Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify.  Because 
               the players
 
               are always changing, the team can move to another city, you're 
               actually rooting
 
               for the clothes when you get right down to it.  You know what 
               I mean, you are
 
               standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the 
               clothes from
 
               another city.  Fans will be so in love with a player but if he 
               goes to another
 
               team, they boo him.  This is the same human being in a different 
               shirt, they
 
               *hate* him now.  Boo!  different shirt!!  Boo.

               
               
               Jerry and George are at a hot dog vendor's cart.

               
                             JERRY
               You sure you don't want the tickets?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No thanks.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe I'm having trouble getting 
               rid of Super Bowl tickets.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm telling you, skip the Drake's wedding, 
               go to the game.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't, the Drake put me in the wedding 
               party.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well who schedules his wedding on Super 
               Bowl Sunday?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe he didn't know?

               
                             GEORGE
               Lemme see.  I can't believe you got 
               these for free. (Looking at the
 
               tickets)  Row F?!

               
                             JERRY
               Row F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing 
               with the Ds and Es.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Howbout Kramer or Elaine, they don't 
               want them?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I asked.  Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's 
               only interested in Canadian
 
               football.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wish I could help you.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on, take them.  You could take 
               Bonnie.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What do you think?

               
                             GEORGE
               So in order to use these, I gotta spend 
               like fifteen-hundred bucks.
 
               This is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars.  Plus, she'd ask 
               about the sleeping
 
               arrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is 
               depressing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, sleeping arrangements.  So, you 
               haven't, uh...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no no no, I haven't even seen her 
               apartment yet.  Tomorrow night's
 
               the first night.

               
                             JERRY
               Aah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, is that Tim Whatley?

               
                             JERRY
               The Dentist?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, is he still mad at you for crashing 
               his Thanksgiving party?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no.  I explained the whole thing 
               to him, he was fine with it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh good.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I blamed it on you.  Hi Tim.
 
               
               
                             TIM
               Hey Jerry!  George.  What are you up 
               to?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, just a couple of gals out on the 
               town, shopping and gabbing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm getting a makeover.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.  How would you like to go to the 
               Super Bowl?
 
               
                             TIM
               What, are you kidding?

               
                             JERRY
               Here.  Two tickets.  Have a good time.
 
               
               
                             TIM
               How can I think you?  I'll tell you 
               what, I'll take you to dinner
 
               sometime.  You ever been to Mendys?

               
                             JERRY
               No no no.  No dinner.

               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               Tim, you didn't have to get me a thank 
               you gift.  I know, it's a label
 
               maker.  The Label Baby Junior.  Yeah, I hear they're good.  Well, 
               label me
 
               thankful.  Okay, well you enjoy those tickets.  Buh-bye.

               
               Jerry hangs up, there's a pounding on the door.

               
                             JERRY
               Come in.

               
               More pounding.  Jerry opens the door and Kramer backs in carrying 
               a board game.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Where can I put this?

               
                             JERRY
               What is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's Risk, Jerry.  The game of world 
               conquest. (brushing newspapers off
 
               
               the table with his foot and setting the game board down)  Alright, 
               that's
 
               perfect.

               
               Newman walks in.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, why do you have to (noticing 
               Newman)  Hello, Newman.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello, Jerry.  Will he take it?  I gotta 
               go to work.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Take what?

               
                             KRAMER
               The board, Jerry.  We've been playing 
               at Newman's for six hours but
 
               he's gotta go.

               
                             JERRY
               So why don't you leave it at Newman's?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               I wanted to, he won't let me.

               
                             KRAMER
               We have to put the board in a neutral 
               place where no one will tamper
 
               with it.

               
                             JERRY
               So that's here?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, yes.  You're like Switzerland.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't wanna be Switzerland.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in a 
               epic struggle for world
 
               domination.  It's winner take all.  People cannot be trusted.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Don't look at me.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, soldier boys, let's fall out.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, so you're gonna look after 
               it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Stay strong buddy.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Watch it good.

               
                             JERRY
               Ok.

               
               Kramer leaves, Elaine enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.  Oh, is that a label maker?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes it is.  I got it as a gift, it's 
               a Label Baby Junior.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Love the Label Baby, baby.  You know 
               those things make great gifts, I
 
               just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.

               
                             JERRY
               Tim Whatley?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.  Who sent you that one?

               
                             JERRY
               One Tim Whatley!

               
               Elaine.  No, my Tim Whatley?

               
                             JERRY
               The same, he sent it as a thank you 
               for my Super Bowl tickets.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I think this is the same one I gave 
               him.  He recycled this gift.  He's
 
               
               a regifter!

               
                             JERRY
               Or maybe he liked your gift so much, 
               he decided to get me the same
 
               thing.  Perhaps it's an homage.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, perhaps.

               
                             JERRY
               Well how did he react when you gave 
               it to him?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Um, he said, "Oh.  A label maker.  Howbout 
               that?"
 
               
                             JERRY
               He repeated the name of the gift?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, so?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, well, if you repeat the name of 
               the gift, you can't possibly like
 
               
               it.

               
                             ELAINE
               What do you mean?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you know, like when someone opens 
               something up and they go, "Oh.
 
               Tube socks."  What are you gonna do about it?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know, I guess I'll just get 
               invited up to his apartment and see
 
               
               if he's got a label maker.

               
                             JERRY
               Why'd you get him a gift anyway?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, he did some dental work for me and 
               he didn't charge me so I thought
 
               I'd get him a Christmas present.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well, if you're getting him anything 
               for his birthday, I'm a
 
               large.

               
               
               
               George and his girlfriend, Bonnie, are entering her apartment.
 
               
               
                             BONNIE
               Well, here we are.  This is the place.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Wow.

               
                             BONNIE
               Do you like it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I love it!  This is fantastic!  Look 
               at this couch, is this velvet?!
 
               
                             BONNIE
               Are you a velvet fan?

               
                             GEORGE
               A fan?  I would drape myself in velvet 
               if it were socially acceptable.
 
               And look at this, hardwood floors!

               
                             BONNIE
               Aren't they great? (sees a man enter 
               from the bedroom)  Oh, Scott, hi.
 
               
               This is George.  George, this is Scott, my roommate.

               
               Scott walks into the kitchen.

               
                             GEORGE
               Heh heh.

               
                             BONNIE
               Here, check out this view.  If you lean 
               out this window, you can see
 
               the river.

               
               Scott returns from the kitchen eating an apple, and heads back 
               to the bedroom.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So Scott's your roommate, huh?

               
                             BONNIE
               Yes.  Oh, I'm sure I've mentioned him.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, you didn't mention it.

               
                             BONNIE
               He's a great guy, you'll really like 
               him.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sure I will.

               
               
               
               George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.

               
                             JERRY
               Male roommate, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.  A male roommate.

               
                             JERRY
               Is this a problem?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a huge problem, Jerry.  The hardest 
               part about having sex with a
 
               woman is getting her to come back to your place!  He's already 
               got that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, maybe he's --

               
                             GEORGE
               No.  Believe me, he's not.

               
                             JERRY
               So he's an eligible receiver.

               
                             GEORGE
               She's confiding in him about our dates. 
                You always like the person you
 
               talk to about the date more than the date!  It's just a matter 
               of time till they
 
               realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.'

               
                             JERRY
               What's stopping them?

               
                             GEORGE
               Exactly!  You know how they get animals 
               to reproduce in captivity?
 
               They just put them in the same cage.

               
                             JERRY
               What does he look like?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, that's the worst part of it.  He 
               looks just like me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He looks like you and he's working from 
               the inside?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I look like me and I'm working from 
               the outside.  Who do you think is
 
               
               in the better position?

               
                             JERRY
               Not you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ho ho.  This bizarre ?harrod? experiment 
               must end!
 
               
                             JERRY
               We'll take a check please.

               
                             GEORGE
               I gotta find a way to work this out, 
               I love that apartment.  It's so
 
               cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet.  You know, if it were socially 
               acceptable--
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know, you would drape yourself in 
               velvet.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I've said that before?

               
                             JERRY
               Many times.  You love velvet, you want 
               to live in velvet, everything
 
               with the velvet.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Guess what?  I saw Newman talking to 
               the super.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what?

               
                             KRAMER
               The super has keys to your apartment. 
                Don't you see what's going on?
 
               Newman is planning a sneak attack.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, maybe he's got no hot water.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, alright, fine.  You sit there 
               and you watch while Newman takes
 
               over the world.  But he'd be a horrible leader.  And you know 
               who's gonna
 
               suffer?  The little people; you and George.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you through?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh.  I talked to Arthur Jobanian.  Yeah, 
               the Drake's wedding?  That's
 
               off.

               
                             JERRY
               The wedding is off?  What happened?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               The Drake, he found out that the wedding 
               is on the same day as the
 
               Super Bowl.  So he wanted to postpone it, they got in a big argument 
               and *phlf*
 
               it's over.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               The wedding is off.  Now you can go 
               to the Super Bowl.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for 
               the tickets back.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You just gave them to him two days ago, 
               he's gotta give you a grace
 
               period.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you even vaguely familiar with the 
               concept of giving?  There's no
 
               grace period.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, didn't he regift the label maker?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Possibly.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, if he can regift, why can't you 
               degift?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You may have a point.

               
                             GEORGE
               I have a point, I have a point.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'll call him.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.  What's that?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world 
               domination being played by two guys
 
               
               who can barely run their own lives. (Picks up phone and dials) 
                Hello Tim?
 
               Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld, remember those tickets I gave 
               you?  Well it turns
 
               out I can use them.  Oh, you do?  I understand.  Okay.  Bye. 
                He already made
 
               plans, he can't change them.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well they're his tickets, he can do 
               what he wants
 
               with them.

               
                             JERRY
               Thanks.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, I gotta go.  I'm heading over 
               to Bonnie's.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you gonna do about the roommate?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I gotta try and find a way to switch 
               places with him.  It's like a
 
               Sigfried and Roy trick.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, the pickle breath is a good start.
 
               
               
               George leaves, Newman enters, or would except Jerry tries slamming 
               the door on
 
               him.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello Jerry, may I come in?

               
                             JERRY
               What do you want?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Nothing, just being

               neighborly.  Do you wanna hang out?  Shoot the breeze?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not letting you cheat, Newman.  
               You're not getting anywhere near
 
               that board.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Jerry?  I'm a little insulted.

               
                             JERRY
               You're not a little anything, Newman. 
                So just pack it up and move it
 
               out of here.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Oh, by the way, what are you doing for 
               the Super Bowl?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I dunno, watch it on TV I guess.  Why?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well if you watch closely enough, you 
               just might see me.  I'll be the
 
               one waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're going to the Super Bowl?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yes I am, a guy on my mail route just 
               got a couple of tickets and he
 
               offered one to me.

               
                             JERRY
               What's his name?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Tim Whatley.

               
                             JERRY
               That's my ticket!

               
                             NEWMAN
               Is it?!  Ohhh, well if only you'd known, 
               you could have saved some time
 
               and given it directly to me!  Ha ha ha.

               
                             JERRY
               Newman!

               
               
               
               George and Bonnie are at Bonnie's

               
                             GEORGE
               What a movie.  Good choice.

               
                             BONNIE
               Thank Scott.  He recommended it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, Scott, Scott.  He's really great, 
               isn't he?
 
               
                             BONNIE
               Yes he is.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes he is.  Let me ask you something. 
                When you come out of the shower
 
               and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you 
               concerned about
 
               that?

               
                             BONNIE
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you hold the neck together with one 
               hand, or are you just letting it
 
               flap in the breeze?

               
                             BONNIE
               George, you're being ridiculous.

               
                             GEORGE
               What's the massage situation?

               
                             BONNIE
               What do you mean?

               
                             GEORGE
               Is there any work being done?  Is there 
               any rubbing, touching, finger
 
               manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the 
               request?
 
               
                             BONNIE
               George, would you just stop?

               
                             GEORGE
               Say you go to the bathroom at two o'clock 
               in the morning, what's the
 
               outfit?  I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are?

               
                             BONNIE
               George, what is wrong with you?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll tell you what's wrong, a grown 
               woman with a male roommate!  It's
 
               
               unnatural, it's an abomination!

               
               Scott enters.

               
                             SCOTT
               Hey!

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey!

               
                             SCOTT
               How ya going?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm good.

               
                             SCOTT
               Are you gonna need the bathroom?  'Cause 
               I'm gonna jump in
 
               the shower.

               
                             BONNIE
               No, just throw my bras out of the way.
 
               
               
               
               
               Elaine and Tim Whatley are walking together on the street.

               
                             TIM
               Well, this is my building.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes it is.

               
                             TIM
               This was fun, you know?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             TIM
               So, I'll call.

               
                             ELAINE
               Aren't you gonna invite me upstairs?
 
               
               
                             TIM
               Upstairs?  You wanna go upstairs?

               
                             ELAINE
               I would love to go upstairs.

               
                             TIM
               Elaine, you are something else.  No 
               one can ever put a label on you, huh?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               We'll see.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at their booth in the coffee shop.

               
                             JERRY
               Newman.  He's going with Newman.

               
                             GEORGE
               How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Newman's his mailman.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who goes to the Super Bowl with their 
               mailman?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who goes *anywhere* with Newman?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, he's merry.

               
                             JERRY
               He is merry, I'll give him that.  (notices 
               a cactus on the table)
 
               What's this plant for?

               
                             GEORGE
               I had a little tiff with Bonnie about 
               the roommate.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, well the cactus will smooth things 
               over.
 
               
               Elaine enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, guess what?  I'm going to the Super 
               Bowl with Tim Whatley.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               We went out for coffee last night and 
               he offered me a ticket.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What about the label maker?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, well.

               
                             JERRY
               Wait a minute, that's my ticket!  You 
               didn't even want to go.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It was totally out of the blue.  We 
               went upstairs to his apartment, you
 
               
               know, to look for the label maker.

               
                             JERRY
               So, how did you get up there?  Did you 
               say you had to use the bathroom?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Then how'd you get up there?

               
                             ELAINE
               I said, "Do you wanna go upstairs?"
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               And there's you ticket.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               That's why you're going to the Super 
               Bowl.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               You go out with a guy one time, you 
               ask him to go upstairs like you're
 
               
               Mae West?  Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the 
               weekend.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You mean just because I asked him to 
               go upstairs, he thinks he's going
 
               
               downtown?

               
                             JERRY
               Obviously.

               
                             ELAINE
               You're crazy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, what happened when you got upstairs?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               As soon as we walked in, he got a call 
               from one of his patients with an
 
               impacted molar or something so he had to leave.  I didn't even 
               get a chance to
 
               look for the label maker.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well I don't trust this guy.  
               I think he regifted, he degifted,
 
               
               and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super 
               Bowl sex romp.
 
               
               
               
               Jerry is in the hallway approaching his apartment door.  Kramer 
               walks out of his
 
               apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.  What are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm watching your door.

               
                             JERRY
               My door?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, from my peephole.  Fisheye, sees 
               all.
 
               
               Cut to the interior of Jerry's apartment.  Newman sneaks out 
               from the bedroom
 
               towards the table where the Risk board is sitting.  He accidentally 
               knocks some
 
               CDs off the shelving unit, making a lot of noise.

               
                             JERRY
               What was that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Newman!

               
               Jerry begins opening the door, Newman does not have enough time 
               to change the
 
               board pieces.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Damn!

               
                             JERRY
               The bedroom!

               
               Jerry runs to the bedroom, catching a glimpse of Newman climbing 
               out the open
 
               window and up the fire escape.  Jerry and Kramer rush to the 
               window.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I see you, Newman!  I see you!

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!
 
               
               
               
               
               Elaine and Tim Whatley are sharing a cab.

               
                             ELAINE
               I've got a confession to make.

               
                             TIM
               Oh?  What's that?

               
                             ELAINE
               I've got Super Bowl fever.

               
                             TIM
               Oh yeah, me too.

               
                             ELAINE
               So where are we staying?

               
                             TIM
               Oh, the Ambassador.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.  Big room?

               
                             TIM
               It's a regular room, but it's right 
               downtown.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Downtown?

               
                             TIM
               Right downtown.

               
                             ELAINE
               What do they have there, a couple of 
               beds?
 
               
                             TIM
               Why?  You bringing someone else?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, but don't you think there should 
               be two beds?  There's two of us.
 
               
               Tim's grin disappears.

               
               
               
               George enters Bonnie's apartment.

               
                             BONNIE
               Oh, a cactus.

               
                             GEORGE
               They don't need any water, so you don't 
               have to keep taking them to the
 
               bathroom.

               
               They share a laugh.  Scott enters from the back holding a cardboard 
               box.  He
 
               places it on a stack of similar boxes.

               
                             SCOTT
               Well, look who's here.

               
                             BONNIE
               I asked Scott to move out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh.  Oh!

               
               
               
               George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.  Kramer and Newman 
               are seated at the
 
               Risk board on the living room table.

               
                             JERRY
               So she kicked him out of the apartment.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That's right.  It's just me and her.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wow, she rearranged her whole life for 
               you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I guess she did.  He's gone, now I'm 
               the man.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's not a good role for you.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, it's not.

               
                             JERRY
               You unwittingly made a major commitment. 
                That's a lot of pressure.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh my god.

               
                             JERRY
               You wanted to be ensconced in velvet, 
               you're buried.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I had the perfect situation here, he 
               was shouldering half the load.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He was shouldering.

               
                             GEORGE
               I couldn't leave well enough alone?!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Where are you going?

               
                             GEORGE
               I gotta go help her tape up all his 
               boxes and get them ready for
 
               shipping.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, well here.  Take Whatley's label 
               maker, I don't want to see it
 
               again.

               
                             GEORGE
               Thanks.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.  I am taking over South America 
               and there
 
               ain't nothing you can do about it.

               
                             JERRY
               So, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, 
               eh Newman?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah.  I just hope Tim Whatley's electric 
               bills don't suddenly get lost
 
               in the mail, or it could be lights out for him.

               
                             JERRY
               Thanks for having me over, guys.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are out on the street, Tim Whatley comes running 
               up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'll see you later.

               
                             TIM
               Hey Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, Tim Whatley.  Out scalping?

               
                             TIM
               Ah, see, now I've been thinking a lot 
               about what happened and I feel
 
               horrible.  Listen, I want to give you a ticket back.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you serious, what about Elaine?
 
               
               
                             TIM
               Oh, Elaine.  Yeah, well, things just 
               didn't work out like I thought they
 
               
               would.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh.  (notices a car being jacked up 
               by a tow truck)  Hey, isn't this
 
               Kramer's car? (yelling up)  Hey, Cosmo!!  They're towing your 
               car!!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What?!  Not my car!!  Hey!!  They're 
               towing my
 
               car!!

               
               Kramer runs out the door, leaving Newman alone with the Risk 
               board, but only for
 
               a moment.  He runs back in and grabs the board.

               
                             NEWMAN
               What are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm taking the board with me.

               
               Kramer runs out carrying the board, Newman follows a moment later.
 
               
               
               Back on the street, Kramer's car is jacked up and the driver 
               is just taking off.
 
               Kramer comes running after it, yelling at the driver and balancing 
               the game
 
               board with Newman at his heels.

               
                             TIM
               So, I guess I'll see you at the game.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, see you there.

               
               
               
               George walks into Bonnie's apartment, *everything* is boxed up 
               and Bonnie is
 
               taping up the last of the boxes.  He knocks to get her attention.
 
               
               
                             BONNIE
               Hi, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               What, what happened?  Where's, where's 
               all the stuff?
 
               
                             BONNIE
               It's gone.  It was all his.  Is this 
               a label maker?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The table, the stereo, the VCR, the 
               velvet couch, where's the velvet?
 
               
               
                             BONNIE
               They were his.  Besides, we don't need 
               any of those things.  We have
 
               each other.

               
               
               
               Kramer and Newman are on a subway car, the Risk board sits on 
               their laps.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Are you sure you know where the impound 
               yard is?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, stop stalling.  Come on.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I can't think, there's all this noise.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Or is it because I've built a stronghold 
               around Greenland?  I've driven
 
               you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the 
               brink of complete
 
               annihilation.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I'm not beaten yet.  I still have armies 
               in the Ukraine.
 
               
               This comment perks up the ears of what appears to be a Russian 
               immigrant.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ha ha, the Ukraine.  Do you know what 
               the Ukraine is?  It's a sitting
 
               duck.  A road apple, Newman.  The Ukraine is weak.  It's feeble. 
                I think it's
 
               time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.

               
                             UKRAINIAN
               I come from Ukraine.  You not say Ukraine 
               weak.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well we're playing a game here, 
               pal.
 
               
                             UKRAINIAN
               Ukraine is game to you?!  Howbout I 
               take your little board and smash
 
               it!!

               
               The Ukrainian pounds the game board, destroying it and sending 
               army pieces
 
               flying.

               
               
               
               Tim Whatley approaches his building, Elaine is waiting at the 
               door.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hello, Tim.

               
                             TIM
               Elaine, hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Don't worry, Tim.  I didn't come by 
               to yell at you, I didn't come by
 
               for that at all.  I just came by to pick up my label maker.  
               I gave you a label
 
               maker and now I would like to have it back.

               
                             TIM
               But you gave it to me.

               
                             ELAINE
               But you gave me a ticket to the Super 
               Bowl.  Hand it over, Whatley.
 
               
                             TIM
               Uh, ok.

               
                             ELAINE
               You don't have the label maker, do you?
 
               
               
                             TIM
               Uh, no.

               
                             ELAINE
               I knew it!  You're a regifter!

               
                             TIM
               Oh, yeah, some gift.  That thing didn't 
               work at all.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             TIM
               You put a label on something, then ten 
               minutes later it would peel right
 
               
               off.  It was the worst gift I ever got.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I bought it for you because you 
               were so nice to
 
               me for not charging me for the dental work.  The way you worked 
               on my filling,
 
               you were so, so gentle and so caring and so sensitive.

               
                             TIM
               Oh, Elaine!

               
               They embrace passionately.

               
               
               
               First the exterior, then the interior of a mail truck.  Boxes 
               are being jostled.
 
               A close-up of a box labeled with "Scott Thomas" and a street 
               address is shown.
 
               The labels fall off the box, one by one.

               
               
               
               First the exterior, then the interior of a football stadium. 
                Jerry is walking
 
               down the aisle.

               
                             JERRY
               H... G... F.  Seat four.  One, two, 
               three... f-- Hello Newman.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello, Jerry.  Tim couldn't make it, 
               he's in love.  Isn't that
 
               wonderful?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it's enchanting.

               
               
               
               George is bringing a portable TV to Bonnie's so they can watch 
               the game.
 
               
                             BONNIE
               Hi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Here's the TV.  I know you wanted to 
               watch the Super Bowl.  Do you at
 
               least have some towels we could sit on?  It's, like, a four hour 
               game.
 
               
                             BONNIE
               George, Scott's gonna drop by.  He said 
               he never got his boxes.  I'll
 
               get the towels.

               
                             GEORGE
               How am I gonna get out of this?  Think 
               Costanza, think!
 
               
                             BONNIE
               Here we are.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had 
               a pretty wild idea.
 
               
                             BONNIE
               What is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce 
               it or anything, but I, uh, I
 
               believe it's Ménage à Trois?

               
                             BONNIE
               What?

               
               Just then, Scott enters.

               
                             SCOTT
               Hi.

               
                             BONNIE
               Scott!  Remember what we talked about 
               the other day?  George is into
 
               it.

               
                             SCOTT
               Oh really?!

               
               Scott walks towards George, the camera moves in on a close-up 
               of an increasingly
 
               horrified George, and freezes.

               
               
               
               Jerry and Newman are at the Super Bowl.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Great streak of luck I'm having.  First, 
               Kramer almost beat me at Risk
 
               but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super 
               Bowl ticket.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can you move over at all?!

               
                             NEWMAN
               And then, just as I'm about to go, these 
               boxes show up at the post
 
               office with no labels.  No labels, Jerry.  You know what that 
               means?  Freebies!!
 
               I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable.

               
                             JERRY
               An inch!  Can you move over an inch?!?
 
               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Label Maker



Writers :   Alec Berg  Jeff Schaffer
Genres :   Comedy


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