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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE LETTER



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Nina's art studio. Kramer is posing for Nina (Jerry's current 
               girlfriend.)
 
               
                             NINA
               (laughing) Kramer, would you hold still? 
               I can't do this if you keep
 
               
               moving.

               
                             KRAMER
               You sure you don't want me to take my 
               clothes off? (beat) I'll do it!
 
               
                             NINA
               No, that's the last thing in the world 
               I want you to do.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, why don't you take your clothes 
               off?
 
               
                             NINA
               I don't know... I don't think Jerry 
               would like that.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (debonair smile) Well, it'd be our little 
               secret.
 
               
                             
               Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               (bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling 
               with his fly) Button fly!
 
               
               Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get 
               these
 
               
               things open!

               
                             JERRY
               I like the button fly.

               
                             GEORGE
               (incredulous) What?

               
                             JERRY
               That is one place on my wardrobe I do 
               not need sharp interlocking
 
               
               metal teeth. It's like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are 
               you
 
               
               doing today?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               I have to go meet Nina. Want to come 
               up to her lot, check out her
 
               
               paintings?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't get art.

               
                             JERRY
               There's nothing to get.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it always has to be explained 
               to me, and then I have to have
 
               
               someone explain the explanation.

               
                             JERRY
               She does a lot of abstract stuff. In 
               fact she's painting Kramer
 
               
               right now.

               
                             GEORGE
               What for?

               
                             JERRY
               She sees something in him.

               
                             GEORGE
               So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a 
               wall.
 
               
                             
               Nina's studio again--same scene)

               
                             KRAMER
               Are you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're 
               brown. (beat) Or, really,
 
               
               they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee.

               
                             NINA
               Tell me about Elaine.

               
                             KRAMER
               She and Jerry were a big thing, like 
               Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd.
 
               
                             NINA
               But, they're still friends.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, they're like this (holds up 
               two fingers together).
 
               
                             NINA
               Don't you think that's strange?

               
                             KRAMER
               Why, what's the difference?

               
                             NINA
               Well, are you still friends with any 
               of your ex-girlfriends?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know... I, uh... have many 
               relationships.
 
               
                             
               the door outside Nina's studio)

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I'm a little nervous.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know... the friend meeting 
               the new woman. I feel like I'm
 
               
               getting fixed up for a friendship.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know how long this is gonna 
               last.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really? I thought you liked her.

               
                             JERRY
               I do... she's got like a jealousy thing. 
               She doesn't like me having
 
               
               fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door)

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, it's a miracle you're not 
               married. (beat) Hey, I'm not
 
               
               obligated to buy anything, am I?

               
               (Nina opens the door)

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend 
               George.
 
               
                             NINA
               How nice to meet you, I've heard a lot 
               about you. (George nods)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (walking over to where Kramer is posing) 
               Hey, look at this guy!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               (to Nina) I brought George up to see 
               some of your paintings.
 
               
                             NINA
               Oh, are you interested?

               
                             GEORGE
               (looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah! 
               Sure, sure I'm interested.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               George, you gonna buy a painting?

               
                             GEORGE
               (gritting teeth) Yeah, sure.

               
                             NINA
               Are you an art-lover?

               
                             GEORGE
               I am an art-adorer! I adore art.

               
                             NINA
               Great! Well, take a look around. Pick 
               out something you like.
 
               
               (George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls 
               over to
 
               
               the painting-in-progress (Kramer) and picks up a brush.)

               
                             JERRY
               May I? (pantomimes making a big "X" 
               across the painting)
 
               
                             NINA
               (laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here, 
               play with this. (hands
 
               
               Jerry a small white envelope)

               
                             JERRY
               What's this?

               
                             NINA
               My father gave me four tickets to the 
               Yankee game for Saturday
 
               
               afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout.

               
                             JERRY
               (sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday... 
               I'm working, I'm going
 
               
               out of town.

               
                             NINA
               Oh, well. I'm not gonna go without you. 
               Do you guys want 'em?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (immediately) Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               They're right behind the dugout, George, 
               first row!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Behind the dugout, are you kidding? 
               How did you get them?
 
               
                             NINA
               Oh, my father's the Yankees accountant... 
               it's the owner's box.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All my life I've dreamed of sitting 
               front row, behind the dugout!
 
               
                             NINA
               (gesturing towards a small, ugly painting 
               George was apparently look-
 
               
               ing at and happens to be holding) You like that one?

               
                             
               Saturday, the game. George, Kramer, 
               and Elaine are being lead
 
               
               to their seats)

               
                             GEORGE
               Look at where we are! (referring to 
               the seat usher) He's not
 
               
               stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher
 
               
               
               abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row?
 
               
               
                             USHER
               No, no, these are your seats.

               
                             GEORGE
               She said first row! Right behind the 
               dugout!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, it's the second row. It's just 
               as good.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I was all primed for the first row; 
               I was gonna put my feet up
 
               
               on the dugout!

               
                             ELAINE
               Would you shut up? These are great! 
               You can't get any better than
 
               
               this.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, there's better, (pointing at the 
               row in front of them) right
 
               
               there, that's better.

               
                             KRAMER
               Right. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay, 
               who wants a dog? (Kramer
 
               
               hands out the hot dogs)What a great day!

               
                             ELAINE
               I could've been at my boss' son's bris 
               right now.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (amused) You're supposed to do that?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you 
               think anyone would want to
 
               
               go to a circumcision?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'd rather go to a hanging.

               
                             ELAINE
               Anyway, I called him back... I told 
               him I had to go visit my father
 
               
               in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs)

               
                             KRAMER
               (screaming at the players on the field) 
               YOU BETTER CATCH IT,
 
               
               JOHNNY, 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T PHILIDELPHIA!!

               
               (a man approaches the trio)

               
                             MAN
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah?

               
                             MAN
               Hi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine--
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi!

               
                             KRAMER
               (screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA 
               CUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               --and this is Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey.

               
               (the Yankees make a good play, the crowd applauds)

               
                             WEST
               So how are the seats?

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay.

               
                             ELAINE
               Great, great.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             WEST
               George, I heard you bought one of Nina's 
               paintings.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, it's being framed right now. I 
               don't even know what it costs.
 
               
               (beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it?

               
                             WEST
               Well, if you have a lot of money.

               
               (Yankees make a horrible play, the crowd responds)

               
                             WEST
               (leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat 
               -- to Elaine) I think you
 
               
               better take off that Orioles cap.

               
                             ELAINE
               (thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better!
 
               
               
                             WEST
               No, no, no. Seriously. You're in the 
               owner's box, and I don't
 
               
               think it's a good idea.

               
                             ELAINE
               You're not serious.

               
                             WEST
               Yes, yes, yes, I am!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, did he say that?

               
                             WEST
               No, no, but he gave me the seats. I 
               don't think he'd like it if
 
               
               you wore an Orioles cap.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well maybe you should ask him!

               
                             WEST
               I don't have to ask him! Now are you 
               gonna take the hat off or
 
               
               not?

               
                             ELAINE
               No! I don't have to take it off, why 
               should I take it off? This
 
               
               is ridiculous!!

               
                             GEORGE
               Just take the cap off.

               
                             ELAINE
               George, we are at a baseball game! This 
               is America!
 
               
                             WEST
               Look. Either you take the cap off, or 
               you'll have to leave.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it 
               off.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Just take the cap off!

               
                             ELAINE
               No!

               
               (a fight starts between Elaine and George; Elaine ends up taking 
               off
 
               
               GEORGE'S hat, and throwing it onto the field... West calls security
 
               
               
               over, they proceed to remove Elaine)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! Just wait a minute. We just got 
               here!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to Elaine) Do you want us to go with 
               you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (getting up) I'll go get your hat, George.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (sarcastically, to George) Stay!

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, we'll go!

               
               (meanwhile Kramer is climbing over the dugout retrieve George's 
               cap... the
 
               
               camera cuts to the field where the batter hits a pop fly to where 
               Kramer
 
               
                             IS
               the ball knocks him squarely in the 
               head, he falls off the dugout onto
 
               
               
               the crowd)

               
               END OF ACT 1

               
               =============================================================================
 
               
               
               ACT 2

               
               (Jerry's apartment--day)

               
                             ELAINE
               ...and then the ball hits him in the 
               head and he falls right over
 
               
               the railing!

               
                             JERRY
               Is he okay?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to 
               the emergency room, and you
 
               
               know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               This is the most amazing story I've 
               ever heard--why did he want you
 
               
               to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane!

               
                             ELAINE
               I know! Can you imagine that?

               
               (Kramer enters with a bandage wrapper around his forehead)

               
                             JERRY
               How you feeling?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. 
               (beat--holds up newspaper) Hey,
 
               
               we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section... 
               we're
 
               
               all in the picture.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wha- a picture?

               
                             KRAMER
               A picture.

               
                             ELAINE
               OUR PICTURE'S IN THERE??

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh-huh.

               
               (they all crowd around, looking at the picture)

               
                             ELAINE
               (gasps) I cannot believe this!

               
                             JERRY
               (pointing) There's George!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yup, yup!

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohmygod! Lippman could see this! He 
               thinks I was visiting my father!
 
               
               Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture 
               in
 
               
               the paper!

               
                             
               Lippman's office. Lippman is at his 
               desk, Elaine enters.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, Mr. Lippman.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               How's your father?

               
                             ELAINE
               My, my father?

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Yeah. You, you went to see him, right?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Uh-huh.

               
                             ELAINE
               I went to visit him.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, 
               neuralgia...
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               But--but he's feeling better now?

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a 
               miracle, um. My visit must have
 
               
               buoyed (Elaine says "boyed") his spirits.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               (correcting her) Boo-eed.

               
                             ELAINE
               What--what did I say?

               
                             LIPPMAN
               You said "boyed."

               
                             ELAINE
               I did?

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Yeah.

               
               (Elaine starts to laugh hysterically, and at the same time discreetly 
               removes
 
               
               Lippman's sports section from his desk. She manages to maneuver 
               it into her
 
               
               lap, out of sight.)

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Well, I got a plane to catch.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! Where are you going?

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Going to Houston. It's a publisher's 
               convention. (beat) Can I have
 
               
               my sports section?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah. ...Yeah.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               I've been saving it for the plane. I 
               never miss the Sunday sports
 
               
               section.

               
                             ELAINE
               There's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's 
               news. You know, the
 
               
               Yankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy...

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Right, right. (starts to take the paper 
               from Elaine's hand; Elaine
 
               
               holds on tight.) What, what are you doing?

               
                             ELAINE
               Wha-- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god! 
               (laughs) That is the THIRD
 
               
               time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing 
               news-
 
               
               papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs)

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Gotta go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay! Well, you know, have a nice trip, 
               and uh... alrighty! (beat)
 
               
               I'll just hold down the, uh, fort!

               
                             
               Nina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong 
               are admiring Nina's "Kramer.")
 
               
                             MRS.ARM
               I sense great vulcrability. A land child 
               crying out for love, an
 
               
               innocent orphan in the post-modern world.

               
                             MR. ARM
               I see a parasite.

               
                             MRS.ARM
               A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is 
               seeking to gratify only his
 
               
               most basic and immediate urges.

               
                             
               Another part of the studio where Jerry 
               and Nina are arguing.)
 
               
                             NINA
               She was a guest of my father's. She 
               should've taken the cap off.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's preposterous! They ask someone 
               to take off a baseball cap
 
               
               at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that?

               
                             
               Armstrongs admiring painting again.)
 
               
               
                             MRS.ARM
               He is struggled, he is man-struggled. 
               He lifts my spirit!
 
               
                             MR. ARM
               He is a loathsome, offensive brute, 
               yet I can't look away.
 
               
                             
               Jerry and Nina again.)

               
                             JERRY
               Look, I'm really getting tired off all 
               the fighting. Maybe we
 
               
               should just end this before we really start hating each other.
 
               
               
                             NINA
               Oh, well, you wouldn't want that because 
               you always have to
 
               
               remain friends!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I like to remain friends with 
               people I was friends with!
 
               
                             NINA
               Hey -- why don't you just go then! And 
               -- oh, give this to George.
 
               
               Tell him he owes me $500!

               
                             
               Armstrongs)

               
                             MRS.ARM
               He transcends time and space.

               
                             MR. ARM
               He sickens me.

               
                             MRS.ARM
               I love it.

               
                             MR. ARM
               Me too.

               
                             
               Jerry's apartment.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Five-hundred dollars?! What?

               
                             JERRY
               That's what she told me!

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a 
               piece of junk!
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's what it costs!

               
                             GEORGE
               Why did you even take it? You broke 
               up with her!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I wasn't thinking! I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               You weren't thinking.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, she framed it and everything.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget 
               it. No way I'm buying this!
 
               
               (beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly
 
               
               
               lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?

               
                             JERRY
               Do you want me to paint you something? 
               I'd love to paint you some-
 
               
               thing!

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not paying for this. If you were 
               going out with her, it'd be a
 
               
               different story.

               
                             KRAMER
               (entering, handing Jerry a piece of 
               paper) This was in front of your
 
               
               door.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi, Mike.

               
                             JERRY
               (looking at the paper) Wow, a letter 
               from Nina!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (notices the painting) Whoa, man! That 
               is the ugliest thing I've ever
 
               
               seen!

               
                             JERRY
               (reading note) Oh my god!

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               This is amazing, you can't believe this!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What's it say?

               
                             JERRY
               Listen to this: "I don't know what you 
               expect to find out there,
 
               
               Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one 
               thing
 
               
               I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything
 
               
               
               I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with 
               my fists,
 
               
               because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness
 
               
               
               and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm 
               will-
 
               
               ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity."

               
                             GEORGE
               WOW!

               
                             KRAMER
               (emotionally) She's deep.

               
                             JERRY
               (reading on) "...'cause that's what 
               you need to do to prove I'm not
 
               
               going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places 
               and
 
               
               people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-"
 
               
               
               (Kramer blows his noes loudly) "...because I'm sure as hell fighting
 
               
               
               for you!"

               
                             KRAMER
               You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No one's ever written me a letter like 
               this. Maybe I was wrong about
 
               
               her!

               
                             KRAMER
               (pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! 
               Get in there and give her a
 
               
               call. Pick up the phone and call her!

               
                             JERRY
               Should I?

               
                             KRAMER
               (screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU 
               SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight
 
               
               for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!

               
                             JERRY
               ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her.
 
               
               
                             
               Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry 
               is helping Nina put on her
 
               
               coat. The TV is on a horse race.)

               
                             JERRY
               SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV 
               is heard) I told ya! (the inter-
 
               
               com buzzes) Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               (on intercom) It's George.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta 
               get a posse together. I love
 
               
               a good posse.

               
                             NINA
               What's the appeal of the posse?

               
                             JERRY
               The appeal of the posse? The posse has 
               tremendous appeal. Get away
 
               
               from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, 
               it's a
 
               
               week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.

               
               (George enters)

               
                             NINA
               Hello, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money, 
               don't I?
 
               
                             NINA
               Well, I really love that piece.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy 
               oh boy...! You know, in fact,
 
               
               I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from 
               you!
 
               
               Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You 
               know
 
               
               what? On second thought, I can't even accept it.

               
                             NINA
               No, no no no, George! A deal's a deal. 
               I want you to have it!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This could be in a museum some day! 
               It's not safe with me! It should
 
               
               really be in a doormanned building.

               
                             NINA
               Honestly, George, the money's not important.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Who said anything about money? (intercom 
               buzzes)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah?

               
                             ELAINE
               (on intercom) It's Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up.

               
                             NINA
               Elaine?

               
                             JERRY
               ...Yeah.

               
                             NINA
               (rolling eyes) This person does not 
               believe in telephones, does she?
 
               
                             JERRY
               She likes the pop-in. I've told her 
               how I hate the pop-in. (pointing
 
               
               to George) He likes the pop-in, too.

               
                             GEORGE
               I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in 
               guy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               How 'bout Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               HUGE pop-in guy!

               
                             NINA
               Well, I was leaving anyway, so, uh, 
               we're on for tomorrow?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             NINA
               Okay.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay!

               
                             NINA
               Bye. (just as Nina is about to leave, 
               Elaine walks in.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (to Nina) Hello!

               
               (Nina doesn't respond, just walks past Elaine)

               
                             ELAINE
               (sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's 
               coming back tomorrow, I'll
 
               
               be fired!

               
                             JERRY
               If he noticed, he would have called 
               you from Houston!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, he wants to torture me.

               
                             
               later on that night. George, Elaine, 
               and Jerry are watching TV.
 
               
               Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? 
               I hate it when you're the
 
               
               clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker, 
               insti-
 
               
               gating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (tugging at the clicker) I'm a great 
               clicker! (gets the clicker back)
 
               
               Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking.

               
                             ELAINE
               You're all over the dial! You don't 
               know what you want! I've never
 
               
               seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that.
 
               
               
               (another tug-o-war starts)

               
                             JERRY
               Let go!

               
                             ELAINE
               No, come on! I want it, Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Let go, Elaine!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well at least let George do it!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, George can't click! (George joins 
               in the fight)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) 
               Give it! Give it! (he finally
 
               
               gets the remote away from them) Pinheads.

               
               (George starts clicking, the first station he lands on is playing 
               Neil Simon's
 
               
               Chapter 2. After a few seconds, George gets bored, and changes 
               the station)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back 
               to that. (they watch it a little
 
               
               longer)

               
                             ELAINE
               It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon.

               
                             JERRY
               (on to something) Wait a second... wait 
               a second!! (he watches the TV
 
               
               for another minute) The letter, that's the letter!

               
                             ELAINE
               What letter?

               
                             JERRY
               This is the letter she wrote to me, 
               she stole it right from the movie!
 
               
               
               (Jerry get up to go find the letter. A second later, he returns, 
               and starts
 
               
               reading in unison with movie on TV.)

               
                             JERRY
               "...'cause you don't even make the slightest 
               effort to offer happiness
 
               
               still know that I love you!!"

               
                             GEORGE
               This is incredible!

               
                             JERRY
               I always thought there was something 
               funny about this letter! She cop-
 
               
               
               ied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I won't send her that check.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You know, it's not really that terrible.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What are you talking about? She completely 
               misrepresented herself!
 
               
               (mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness!
 
               
               
               James Caan doesn't offer happiness!

               
                             
               Lippman's office. Lippman is on the 
               phone when Elaine walks in and
 
               
               places something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave
 
               
               
               but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the 
               room)
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               (into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't 
               take the cap off? (beat)
 
               
               But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's
 
               
               
               unbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again. 
               Take
 
               
               care. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny 
               West,
 
               
               my accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees
 
               
               
               too; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they 
               throw
 
               
               him a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter.
 
               
               
               She's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to 
               some
 
               
               friends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore
 
               
               
               cap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right?

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR 
               Baltimore.
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               Yeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, uh, fan. My father--

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Anyway, she refused to take the cap 
               off; caused a whole big scene!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               So... impudent.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for 
               tomorrow night. I'm inviting
 
               
               Frank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come.

               
                             ELAINE
               (pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though, 
               Mr. Li--
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               Well, break 'em. You missed the bris, 
               I want you at the game.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (very reluctant) Okay.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Good. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh--and 
               Elaine. You know the Baltimore
 
               
               cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little 
               fun with
 
               
               him.

               
                             ELAINE
               That will be fun.

               
               
               
                             
               Nina's studio. Nina is working on a 
               painting. Jerry is watching her,
 
               
               sitting on the sofa.)

               
                             JERRY
               How's it coming?

               
                             NINA
               Good, good.

               
                             JERRY
               Seen any good movies lately?

               
                             NINA
               No... not really. You?

               
                             JERRY
               No. I like a good comedy. You know, 
               like a Neil Simon? You like Neil
 
               
               Simon?

               
                             NINA
               Neil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite 
               would have to be, uh...
 
               
               Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that?

               
                             NINA
               I don't know... maybe.

               
                             JERRY
               I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was 
               on TV just the other night.
 
               
               Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't 
               help
 
               
               notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina 
               opens
 
               
               answer the door...)

               
                             MR. ARM
               Well, we've made our decision. We want 
               "The Kramer."
 
               
                             
               Jerry's apartment, night. Jerry and 
               George are watching a baseball
 
               
               game and talking.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy 
               Kramer for $5000? (laughs)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So is it all over between you and... 
               Marsha Mason?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George 
               bought) And by the way, can
 
               
               you get this thing outta my house?

               
                             GEORGE
               Tell you what, I'll make a deal with 
               you. I'll sell it to you right
 
               
               now for ten bucks.

               
               (the Yankees announcer is heard on TV)

               
                             TVVOICE
               Uh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble 
               in the area just behind the
 
               
               Yankee dugout.

               
                             GEORGE
               Behind the dugout, that's where we were 
               sitting the other day.
 
               
                             TVVOICE
               Well, we're not going to show it, we 
               don't want to encourage that kind
 
               
               
               of behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going 
               at it
 
               
               with the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're 
               getting
 
               
               the other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers?
 
               
               
               Boy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field..."

               
               (Jerry and George look at each other, wondering.)

               
                             
               the Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and 
               Mrs. Armstrong are having
 
               
               Kramer over for dinner.)

               
                             KRAMER
               ...then, when I was seventeen, I ran 
               away from home and hopped a
 
               
               steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way.
 
               
               
                             MRS.ARM
               More potatoes?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, sure. Please.

               
                             MR. ARM
               Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship 
               to Sweden?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. (beat) And, it was a big one.
 
               
               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Letter



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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