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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE LIBRARY



                             Written by

                           Larry Charles




 
               
               
               (JERRY'S APARTMENT)

               
                             JERRY
               Let me speak with the head librarian. 
               ... Because it's absurd. An overdue 
               book
 
               
               from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio 
               station?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               enters

               
                             JERRY
               Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK 
               I can be down there in like a half hour.
 
               
               
               Bye.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's the problem?

               
                             JERRY
               This you're not goin' to believe. The 
               NYPL says that I took out Tropic of 
               Cancer
 
               
               in 1971 and never returned it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Do you know how much that comes to? 
               That's a nickel a day for 20 years. 
               It's
 
               
               going to be $50,000

               
                             JERRY
               It doesn't work like that.

               
                             KRAMER
               If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's not going to be anything. I returned 
               the book. I remember it very vividly
 
               
               
               because I was with Sherry Becker. She waore this orange dress. 
               It was the first time I
 
               
               ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade 
               she was developing this
 
               
               body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. 
               And then one day ...
 
               
               FLASHBACK (to a beautiful buxom young Becky in an orange dress)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That orange dress is burned in my memory
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, memory burn.

               
                             JERRY
               I wonder what ever happened to her.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               How did they ever find you?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, computers, they're cracking down 
               now on overdue books. The whole thing 
               is
 
               
               completely ridiculous.

               
               (buzzer)

               
                             JERRY
               It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're 
               going to the library
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know I never got a library card.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to speaker) Coming down.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there 
               anyway. People sitting around reading
 
               
               
               the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a 
               quarter, ooh,
 
               
                             JERRY
               I gotta go to the library. You want 
               to go?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah,

               
               LIBRARY

               
                             KRAMER
               The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam 
               that was. Boy that Dewey guy really 
               cleaned
 
               
               up on that deal.

               
                             JERRY
               Where's George

               
                             READER
               Shhh.

               
                             KRAMER
               Tryin' to save a quarter.

               
                             JERRY
               I kinda like those sticks. I'd like 
               to get them for my house.
 
               
               TURNING TO LIBRARY COUNTER

               
                             JERRY
               This woman's completely ignoring me.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Look at her. This is a lonely woman 
               looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. 
               ...
 
               
               Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was 
               a schoolgirl. There was
 
               
               a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. 
               She needs a little understanding.
 
               
               She needs a little Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               Eventually a little shot of penicillin
 
               
               
                             LIBRARIAN
               Yes?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes I called before. I got his notice 
               in the mail.
 
               
                             LIBRARIAN
               Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, 
               Uh, this case has been turned over to 
               our
 
               
               library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.

               
                             KRAMER
               Bookman? The library investigator's 
               name is actually, Bookman?
 
               
                             LIBRARIAN
               It's true.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's amazing. That's like an ice cream 
               man named, Cone.
 
               
                             LIBRARIAN
               Lt. Bookman has been working here for 
               25 years so I think he's heard all the 
               jokes.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can I speak with this Bookman?

               
                             LIBRARIAN
               Just a second.

               
               GEORGE ENTERS, FRANTICALLY, TUGS AT JERRY'S JACKET

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry,

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I think I saw him. I think it's him.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you see the homeless guy on the 
               library steps screaming obsenities and 
               doing some
 
               
               calesthetics routine

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               yeah

               
                             GEORGE
               I think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym 
               teacher from our High School.
 
               
                             READER
               Shhh.

               
                             JERRY
               (whispers) Are you sure?

               
                             GEORGE
               He's older, completely covered in filth, 
               no whistle, but I think it's him.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George got him fired. He squealed on 
               him.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh tattle tale

               
                             GEORGE
               (yells) I didn't tattle

               
                             READER
               Shh Shh

               
                             KRAMER
               What did this guy do? What happened?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               There was an incident. I'd rather not 
               discuss it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh come on, You can tell me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Some other time.

               
                             KRAMER
               What tonight?

               
               LIBRARIAN WALKS BY

               
                             KRAMER
               Y'know I never figured you for a squealer.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, he sang like a canary.

               
                             LIBRARIAN
               Mr. Bookman's not here.

               
                             JERRY
               Not here? Why was I told to come down 
               here?
 
               
                             LIBRARIAN
               He'll be out all afternoon on a case.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               He's out on a case? He actually goes 
               out on cases?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well what am I supposed to do now?
 
               
               
                             LIBRARIAN
               I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with 
               you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right Thanks. Come on lets go

               
                             GEORGE
               Let's see if it's Hayman?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later. (TURNS 
               TO LIBRARIAN) So uh, what's a guy got 
               to do
 
               
               around here

               
               to get a library card?

               
               PENDANT PUBLISHING OFFICES

               
                             ELAINE
               Where's Karen?

               
                             SECRETARY
               She went to pick up lunch.

               
                             ELAINE
               She didn't ask me what I wanted.

               
                             SECRETARY
               She must have forgot.

               
                             ELAINE
               How could she forget I've been ordering 
               lunch every day here for 3 and a half 
               years?
 
               
               Is there something you're not telling me because I'm getting 
               a really weird vibe.
 
               
               Is Lippman getting rid of me? It's OK I won't say anything.
 
               
               
                             SECRETARY
               I don't know anything.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, you don't know anything. You see, 
               "I don't know anything", means there's
 
               
               
               something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would 
               have said "You're crazy."
 
               
               LIPPMAN ENTERS

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi Mr. Lippman.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Elaine,

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, uh, I was wondering if you got a 
               chance to look at that , um, biography 
               of
 
               
               Columbus, I gave you?

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Yes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this 
               water is still too cold.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth.
 
               
               
               AT MONKS

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. 
               He never likes anything I recommend.
 
               
               
               And then that lunch thing.

               
                             JERRY
               So they forgot to get your lunch. Big 
               deal!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What do you know. You've never worked 
               in an office. (TURNS TO GEORGE) See,
 
               
               
               you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but 
               you understand, ... LUNCH!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't understand lunch, I don't know 
               anything about lunch. Listen. Just because
 
               
               
               I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does 
               it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What did he do?

               
                             GEORGE
               He purposely mispronounced my name. 
               Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say,
 
               
               
               "Can't stand ja".

               
               "Can't stand ja" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I remember he made you wear a jock on 
               your head for a whole class. And the 
               straps
 
               
               were hangin' down by his ,...

               
                             GEORGE
               OK, OK, I never even had him for gym.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. 
               It was like from an exhumed corpse.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Little baked beans

               
                             JERRY
               Echh

               
                             ELAINE
               Come on tell me what happened.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, OK. As I said the guy had it in 
               for me. He actually failed me in gym.
 
               
               
               ... ME!

               
               FLASHBACK TO HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM

               
                             GEORGE
               ... Those spastic shnitzer twins ...
 
               
               
                             HEYMAN
               Can't stand ja ... Can't stand ja

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, Mr. Hayman

               
                             HEYMAN
               Your underwear was stick'n out of your 
               shorts during gym class.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well I guess that's because I wear boxer 
               shorts.
 
               
                             HEYMAN
               Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not really sure, I...

               
                             HEYMAN
               Well let's take a look.

               
                             
               gets a wedgie)

               
               
               
               BACK TO MONK'S

               
                             GEORGE
               He gave me a wedgie.

               
                             JERRY
               He got fired the next day.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why do they call it a wedgie?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because the underwear is pulled up from 
               the back and ... it wedges in..
 
               
                             JERRY
               They also have an atomic wedgie. Now 
               the goal there is to actually get the
 
               
               
               waistband on top of the head. Very rare.

               
                             ELAINE
               Boys are sick.

               
                             JERRY
               Well what do girls do ?

               
                             ELAINE
               We just tease some one 'til they develop 
               an eating disorder.
 
               
               guy who ruined his life.

               
               KRAMER ENTERS

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Babaloo, you better get home. You 
               know this guy Bookman from the library
 
               
               
               he's waiting for ya.

               
               
               
               STANDUP ROUTINE

               
               What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where 
               you go in you can take
 
               
               out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring 
               it back when you're done.
 
               
               It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had 
               when they were a little
 
               
               kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just 
               be his friend. That's
 
               
               what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And 
               that's why everybody
 
               
               kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... 
               I'll bring it back late.
 
               
               ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?

               
               
               
               JERRY'S APARTMENT

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can 
               get this all straightened out. Would
 
               
               
               you like a cup of tea?

               
                             BOOKMAN
               You got any coffee?

               
                             JERRY
               Coffee?

               
                             BOOKMAN
               Yeah. Coffee.

               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't drink coffee.

               
                             BOOKMAN
               Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about 
               instant coffee?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't have--

               
                             BOOKMAN
               You don't have any instant coffee?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I don't normally--

               
                             BOOKMAN
               Who doesn't have instant coffee?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't.

               
                             BOOKMAN
               You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, 
               you put it in the cupboard, you
 
               
               forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. 
               It lasts
 
               
               forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.

               
                             JERRY
               Really? I'll have to remember that.
 
               
               
                             BOOKMAN
               You took this book out in 1971.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, and I returned it in 1971.

               
                             BOOKMAN
               Yeah, '71. That was my first year on 
               the job. Bad year for libraries.
 
               
               Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman
 
               
               
               telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the 
               length of
 
               
               his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my 
               bag. But
 
               
               you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public
 
               
               
               Library, fella.

               
                             JERRY
               Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that 
               book. I remember it very
 
               
               specifically.

               
                             BOOKMAN
               You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I try.

               
                             BOOKMAN
               You think this is all a big joke, don't 
               you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't.

               
                             BOOKMAN
               I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered 
               your name--from my list. I looked
 
               
               
               it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're 
               a celebrity
 
               
               that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above 
               the law?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Certainly not.

               
                             BOOKMAN
               Well, let me tell you something, funny 
               boy. Y'know that little stamp,
 
               
               the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not 
               mean
 
               
               anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of 
               a lot.
 
               
               
               Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know 
               what you're
 
               
               thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library
 
               
               
               books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live 
               without
 
               
               libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old 
               to change
 
               
               the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, 
               right
 
               
               now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of 
               pee-pees
 
               
               and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers?
 
               
               
               Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue
 
               
               
               fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about 
               that
 
               
               
               that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. 
               You and
 
               
               
               is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

               
               (Marion sneaks into Kramer's apartment behind Bookman's back 
               as he opens Jerry's
 
               
               door to leave)

               
               KRAMER'S APARTMENT

               
                             KRAMER
               What's wrong?

               
                             MARION
               It's Bookman the library cop.

               
                             KRAMER
               So I didn't do anything wrong.

               
                             MARION
               I'm supposed to be atwork. I could get 
               fired. I shouldn't have come here.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Why don't ya' leave?

               
                             MARION
               I can't.

               
               JERRY'S DOORWAY

               
                             JERRY
               No way I'm payin' that! I returned that 
               book I n 1971. I have a witness
 
               
               Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece 
               of black jack gum.
 
               
               It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it.
 
               
               
               (thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ...
 
               
               
               
               
               IN MONKS WITH SHERRY

               
                             SH
               Kevin went to a public school, he's 
               the 14 year old? We were gonna' send 
               Marsha
 
               
               to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough 
               ... I think.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So Sherry, what do you remember about 
               that day at the library?
 
               
                             SH
               I remember it like it was yesterday. 
               It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a 
               purple dress.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?
 
               
               
                             SH
               Positive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. 
               I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? 
               Dentyne?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No Black Jack?

               
                             SH
               Licorice gum? Never! We were reading 
               pasages to each other from that Henry 
               Miller book,
 
               
                             JERRY
               Tropic of Cancer.

               
                             SH
               No, Tropic of Capricorn

               
                             JERRY
               Tropic of Capricorn?

               
                             SH
               Rememba? What holds the world togetha' 
               ... "As I have learned from bitter experience
 
               
               
               is sexual intercourse ."

               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second. Wait a second. You're 
               right. I had both of them.
 
               
               We read from TROPIC OF CAPRICORN. I was all set to return TROPIC 
               OF CANCER. And then ...
 
               
               FLASHBACK TO LOCKER ROOM

               
                             JERRY
               Here's the book. Don't let anybody see 
               it. Don't let anything happen to it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, 
               I'll return it
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ok, I'll see you after school. I.m late 
               for Hayman's hygiene.
 
               
               BACK TO MONKS

               
                             SH
               Where ya' going?

               
                             JERRY
               It was nice seeing you again. I just 
               remembered something. I've got to go.
 
               
               
               (to old man that enters)

               
               It was GEORGE!

               
               LIBRARY

               
                             KRAMER
               Read another poem.

               
                             MARION
               Pressed chest fleshed out west Might 
               be the saviour or a garden pest.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Wow, that is great. You should be published.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, the library is kind of a cool 
               place when it's closed.
 
               
                             MARIAN
               Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. 
               Listen to the echo: HELLO!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               HELLO!

               
                             MARIAN
               HELLO!

               
                             KRAMER
               HELLO!

               
                             MARIAN
               HELLO!

               
                             BOOKMAN
               Hello!

               
                             MARIAN
               Mr. Bookman.

               
                             BOOKMAN
               I remember when the librarian was a 
               much older woman: Kindly,
 
               
               discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private 
               life.
 
               
               We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't 
               have
 
               
               
               library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final
 
               
               
               warning. Got that, kewpie-doll?

               
               
               
               JERRY'S APARTMENT

               
               (Jerry in bedroom)

               
                             ELAINE
               Lippman want's to see me in his office 
               SEE ME! That can't be good
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe you're getting' a raise.

               
               (buzzer)

               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe I'm getting' a wedgie.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's George

               
                             ELAINE
               George is on his way up.

               
                             JERRY
               Wait 'til I tell him about the book.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (reading) sobs

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you OK? What? What?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's marion's poetry. I can't take it 
               (leaves sobbing)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Remember that biography I recommended? 
               MY BOSS HATED IT
 
               
               (Jerry enters).

               
                             JERRY
               I'm right here.

               
                             ELAINE
               Remember that Columbus book?

               
                             JERRY
               Columbus, Euro trash.

               
               (George enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it's definetly him.

               
                             ELAINE
               Him? Him who?

               
                             GEORGE
               Him who? Hayman him.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hayman The gym teacher? You found him?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the 
               steps of the library. I sat down
 
               
               next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game 
               against Erasmus
 
               
                             JERRY
               That was double overtime.

               
                             GEORGE
               So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me george 
               Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move.
 
               
               
               So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and 
               smiles, the little
 
               
               baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding 
               me back. It was
 
               
               Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 
               42nd St. library ,
 
               
               a grown man, getting a wedgie.

               
                             ELAINE
               At least it wasn't atomic.

               
                             GEORGE
               It was.

               
                             JERRY
               So Georgie Boy, guess what happened 
               to TROPIC OF CANCER
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How should I know?

               
                             JERRY
               Because I gave it to you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Me?

               
                             JERRY
               Yesah, think. Don't you remember you 
               kept begging me to see it then finally
 
               
               
               I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym 
               locker room.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               The locker room!

               
               THE LOCKER ROOM

               
                             JERRY
               Here's the book. Don't let anybody see 
               it. Don't let anything happen to it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, 
               I'll return it tomorrow, no problem.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right, I'll see you after school. 
               I.m late for Hayman's hygiene.
 
               
                             HEYMAN
               Can't Stand Ya'.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes Mr. Hayman.

               
                             HEYMAN
               Your underwear was stick'n out of your 
               shorts during gym class.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well I guess that's because I wear boxer 
               shorts.
 
               
                             HEYMAN
               Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not really sure, I...

               
                             HEYMAN
               Well let's take a look.

               
               (George gets a wedgie and TROPIC OF CANCER falls on floor)

               
               LIBRARY

               
               ( Jerry writes out a check for the never-returned TROPIC OF CANCER 
               and hands it to Bookman)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.
 
               
               
                             BOOKMAN
               Hard feelings? What do you know about 
               hard feelings? Y'ever have a man
 
               
               die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?

               
                             JERRY
               What is your problem?

               
                             BOOKMAN
               What's my problem? Punks like you, that's 
               my problem. And you better not
 
               
               screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over 
               you like a
 
               
               pitbull on a poodle.

               
                             JERRY
               (after Bookman exits): That is one tough 
               monkey! (turns to Elaine)
 
               
               So you were saying?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh? So, I took your suggestion and I 
               gave my boss Marion's poems.
 
               
               The ones that affected Kramer so much.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, beautiful did he like them?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to George) Was he out there?

               
                             GEORGE
               Na, he's gone. I wonder what happened 
               to him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I guess we'll never know.

               
               SOME BACK ALLEY

               
                             HEYMAN
               Can't stand ya, (laughing) Can't stand 
               ya. (pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground)
 
               
               
               
               
               STAND UP

               
               It was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind 
               of like started of kind
 
               
               of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and 
               then suddenly you're like
 
               
               in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from 
               a rope. You have hardly
 
               
               any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' "Where's your jock 
               strap?" Ya' know and kids
 
               
               are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... 
               Then its History,
 
               
               Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of 
               that day.
 
               
               
                                 THE END



The Library



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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