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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE MAESTRO



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Booth at Monk's Cafe)

               
                             GEORGE
               And then I hear this rabbi on television, 
               I mean imagine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't 
               jealous of you. It was just the whole 
               marriage thing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ya know, I was just a little surprised.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I 
               mean can anybody answer that?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What about all the loser stuff?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know where the rabbi got that. 
               Ya know I never said that. I said "I've 
               never seen you looser".
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can see the can if you're in the army, 
               but fresh fruit it's available, it's 
               there, it's 2 aisles over.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Gets up to leave) Well, scintillating 
               as always.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Where you going?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm going shopping with Susan.

               
                             ELAINE
               What kind of shopping?

               
                             GEORGE
               Clothes shopping.

               
                             ELAINE
               Where are you going?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ross'.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh that's a nice store.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, it's her uncle's.

               
                             JERRY
               Discount?

               
                             GEORGE
               (As he leaves) One would hope.

               
               
               
               (Jackie Child's Office)

               
               (Kramer is sitting across from Jackie)

               
                             KRAMER
               So ya know, my friend and I we were 
               going to the movies and we stopped off
 
               
               
               and bought this cafe latte.

               
                             JACKIE
               (Agreeing) Hm Hm. Oh what is that like 
               Italian coffee?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah that's right.

               
                             JACKIE
               Half milk, half coffee?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JACKIE
               Hm Hm. You take a sip?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes I did.

               
                             JACKIE
               Now when you took a sip, did you notice 
               it was hot? Were you able to sip
 
               
               it in your normal fashion?

               
                             KRAMER
               No I wasn't able to sip it in my normal 
               fashion.
 
               
                             JACKIE
               Hm Hm. All right, all right. You take 
               big sips?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I think I take a normal sip.

               
                             JACKIE
               O.K. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong 
               with that. Then what happened?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well you know ahh, they don't allow 
               outside drinks in the movie theater.
 
               
               
               So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.

               
                             JACKIE
               Yeah, see they like to sell their own 
               coffee.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?
 
               
               
                             JACKIE
               Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's 
               gonna be a problem for them.
 
               
               This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an 
               infringement on your
 
               
               constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It's definitely preposterous.

               
                             JACKIE
               So. Then what happened?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well ahh. I was trying to get to my 
               seat and I had to step over someone 
               and
 
               
               I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.

               
                             JACKIE
               Was there a top on it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JACKIE
               Now did you put the top on or did they 
               put the top on for you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No. They put the top on.

               
                             JACKIE
               And they made the top. You didn't make 
               the top did you?
 
               
               (Kramer motions that he did not make the top)

               
                             JACKIE
               (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. 
               I want you to go down to Java World.
 
               
               
               Get me a cafe latte with a top. (To Kramer) We're gonna run some 
               test on that top.
 
               
               Have you been to the doctor?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah No no, I haven't.

               
                             JACKIE
               (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. 
               Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment
 
               
               
               for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.

               
                             KRAMER
               So ah, what do you think Mr. Chiles.
 
               
               
                             JACKIE
               Jackie.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jackie. I mean, we have a chance?

               
                             JACKIE
               Do we have a chance? You get me one 
               coffee drinker on that jury, you
 
               
               gonna walk outta there a rich man.

               
               
               
               (Ross' clothing store)

               
               (Susan is holding a bright red shirt up to George)

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't like it, it's red. It it's too 
               flashy.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Well you could use a little flash.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right. Don't change me. Susan. Don't 
               change me. Ya know there are a lot
 
               
               
               of woman that would love to be in your position right now.

               
                             SUSAN
               Name one.

               
                             MR ROSS
               So, you find anything?

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, he's impossible to shop for uncle 
               Ned.
 
               
                             MR ROSS
               I'm going on vacation to Costa Rica. 
               Maybe I'll see you in a couple of
 
               
               
               weeks.

               
                             SUSAN
               O.K.

               
                             SALESMAN
               Excuse me Mr Ross.

               
               (George notices the security guard standing near the front door)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               See now this I don't get.

               
                             SUSAN
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               The security guard.

               
                             SUSAN
               What about him?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why does he have to stand?

               
                             SUSAN
               Because he's a security guard.

               
                             GEORGE
               But I mean look at him. He's gotta be 
               on his feet like that all day?
 
               
               That's brutal. I think I'm gonna say something to your uncle.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               George, you just met him. Don't say 
               anything to him.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Aren't you concerned about the security 
               guard?
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Not really. (Walks away)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Thinking to himself) She's not concerned 
               about the security guard. What
 
               
               kind of a person is this? I'm marrying a person who doesn't care 
               that this man
 
               
               has to stand here 8 hours a day when he could easily be sitting.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               All right George. (She puts the red 
               shirt up to him again) What do you
 
               
               
               think?

               
               
               
               (Elaine and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.)

               
                             JERRY
               So ah, what did you do last night?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               I know nothing, but what did you actually 
               do?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Literally nothing. I sat in a chair 
               and I stared.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wow. That really is nothing.

               
                             ELAINE
               I told ya.

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you all dressed up for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh I ah just came from a meeting with 
               my lawyer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, how's that looking?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh I'll tell you how it's looking. My 
               lawyer Jackie says if there is one
 
               
               
               coffee drinker on that jury, (in a very high voice) I'm gonna 
               be a rich man.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That's despicable. How does he know 
               how all coffee drinkers will vote?
 
               
               
               I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury I wouldn't give you 
               a nickel Kramer.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury. 
               He would have weeded you out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Frankly I'm surprised you're so litigious.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh I can be quite litigious.

               
                             ELAINE
               What I mean who ever heard of this anyway? 
               Suing a company because there
 
               
               coffee is too hot? Coffee is supposed to be hot.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah but Jackie says the top was faulty.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Mocking) Jackie says the top was faulty.
 
               
               
               (Sounds of knocking in the background on Kramer's door)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Maestro!

               
                             MAESTRO
               Ah, Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm in here. How's it going.

               
                             MAESTRO
               Fine.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Bob.

               
               (Kramer coughs purposely and motions toward maestro with his 
               head)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Apologetically) Oh, I'm sorry. Maestro.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, this is a surprise ha?

               
                             MAESTRO
               I just wanted to drop off this Chinese 
               balm for your burns. It's supposed
 
               
               
               to be great stuff. It's all herbal.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh Maestro, you, what are you doing? 
               You don't have to do this. Do you
 
               
               
               believe this Maestro?

               
                             MAESTRO
               It's nothing.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, ya know you haven't been around 
               for a while.
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               Oh yeah, I've been at my house in Tuscany.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh Tuscany huh? Hear that Jerry? That's 
               in Italy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I hear it's ah beautiful there.

               
                             MAESTRO
               Well if you're thinking of getting a 
               place there don't bother. There's
 
               
               
               really nothing available.

               
                             JERRY
               (Surprised) Huh?

               
               (Elaine enters from bathroom)

               
                             MAESTRO
               (Seeing Elaine) Oh!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.

               
                             MAESTRO
               Well Hello. And who might you be?

               
                             ELAINE
               I might be Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               This is a, Bob Cobb.

               
                             KRAMER
               Maestro.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Maestro.

               
                             MAESTRO
               It is my very great pleasure. (Kisses 
               Elaine's hand)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Enchante.

               
                             MAESTRO AND ELAINE
               Well I have to be going.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jinx buy me a coke.

               
                             MAESTRO
               Oh. Love it when that happeneds.

               
                             ELAINE
               I know I know. That is so ahh ......
 
               
               
                             MAESTRO
               Coincidental.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, thanks. O.K. Bye you guys.

               
                             MAESTRO
               Ciao.

               
               (Elaine and Maestro leave)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah oh hey and a thanks for the 
               balm. Yeah.
 
               
               (Kramer shuts the door and stares at Jerry)

               
                             KRAMER
               You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh what, because I didn't call him Maestro?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               That's right.

               
                             JERRY
               Ya know I feel a little funny calling 
               somebody Maestro.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Because it's a stupid thing to be called.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry he's a conductor.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh conductor. He conducts the Policeman's 
               Benevolent Association Orchestra.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he's still a conductor.

               
                             JERRY
               Well he sure worked pretty fast with 
               Elaine.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you should see him do 'Flight of 
               the Bumble Bee'.
 
               
               (Kramer makes like a conductor and makes a classic Kramer sound)
 
               
               
               
               
               (Monks Cafe. George and Jerry are sitting across from each other)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               New shirt?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. You like it.

               
                             JERRY
               No, not particularly.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why, the color?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Too flashy?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's burning my retina. Susan 
               picked that out for you right?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Obviously lying) No.

               
                             JERRY
               (Reaches for a menu) All right what's 
               it going to be here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Let me ask you something. When you go 
               into a store, does it bother you
 
               
               that they make the security guard just stand there all day?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               See, didn't bother Susan either. That's 
               why I'm different. I can sense
 
               
               the slightest human suffering.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you sensing anything right now?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Let me just say this. It is inhumane 
               to make a man stand on his feet, in
 
               
               
               one spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what about criminal activity? 
               He's got to be alert.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What, he can't jump out of the chair? 
               How long does that take?
 
               
               Here look at this. (he moves to the end of the booth) Here, watch. 
               (stands up)
 
               
               Criminals. Boom. I'm up. (pretends he's shooting) Stop It! Stop 
               It! Stop It!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe they offered him a chair and he 
               turned it down.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Would you get out of here. Who's gonna 
               turn down a chair? I would be
 
               
               very interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe 
               I'll have a talk
 
               
               with him.

               
                             JERRY
               I know you will.

               
               (Kramer enters and sits next to Jerry)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, hey, hey, listen to this. Jackie 
               just called.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Who?

               
                             JERRY
               His lawyer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, Java World wants to settle.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm gonna be rich.

               
                             JERRY
               Why are they settling?

               
                             KRAMER
               Cause their afraid of bad publicity.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All this because you spilled coffee 
               on yourself?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah that's right.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Very loud in the direction of a waiter) 
               I'm gonna need a coffee here. Very hot! 
               Boiling!
 
               
               
               
               (Restaurant. Maestro and Elaine are talking)

               
                             MAESTRO
               And then about four years ago I was 
               on holiday in Tuscany.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh ha.

               
                             MAESTRO
               And I fell in love with this house.
 
               
               
               (Waiter approaches)

               
                             WAITER
               Are you ready to order?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh God. What are you getting Bob?

               
               (Maestro looks at Elaine with an annoyed look on his face)

               
                             MAESTRO
               Good question. (to waiter) We'll need 
               a few minutes.
 
               
               (Maestro puts his head in his hand. He is visibly upset)

               
                             MAESTRO
               You know, I'm sorry but, I didn't mention 
               it earlier but actually I
 
               
               preferred to be called Maestro.

               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me?

               
                             MAESTRO
               Well, ya know I am a conductor.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, so?

               
                             MAESTRO
               Oh I suppose it's O.K. for Leonard Burnstein 
               to be called Maestro because
 
               
               he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called 
               Maestro and I don't.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I mean don't you think that he 
               was probably called Maestro while he
 
               
               
               was conducting, not in social situations. I mean his friends 
               probably just called
 
               
               him Lenny.

               
                             MAESTRO
               I happen to know for a fact, that he 
               was called Maestro in social
 
               
               situations. I once saw him at a bar and someone came up to him 
               and said
 
               
               "Hello Maestro, how about a beer". O.K. So that's a fact.

               
                             ELAINE
               Maestro huh? O.K. (laughing)

               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is at the refrigerator getting orange 
               juice.)
 
               
               (Kramer enters frantically)

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry my burn is 
               gone look.(shows Jerry the burn area).
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I put that Chinese balm on that 
               the Maestro gave me. And look, it
 
               
               
               healed it.

               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             KRAMER
               So? My lawsuit. I'm finished.

               
                             JERRY
               I thought they wanted to settle.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well what happens if they want to see 
               it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Then you're in a lot of trouble.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah!!

               
               
               
               (Ross' clothing store. Guard is standing near entrance. George 
               enters.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To guard) Tired?

               
                             GUARD
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               How come uh, no chair?

               
                             GUARD
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I, I couldn't help but notice that uh 
               you don't have a chair.
 
               
                             GUARD
               I don't need a chair.

               
                             GEORGE
               No I didn't mean to imply that you did. 
               You're obviously a very well
 
               
               proportioned individual. I was just wondering, have they ever 
               offered you a chair?
 
               
                             GUARD
               Nope.

               
                             GEORGE
               Would you like a chair?

               
                             GUARD
               I suppose if they gave me one I'd sit 
               down.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah ha, Ah ha. You would, wouldn't you?
 
               
               
                             GUARD
               Obviously I'd rather sit than stand, 
               if that's what your asking.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's exactly my point.

               
                             GUARD
               Well who wouldn't?

               
                             GEORGE
               Cause I tell you, frankly, I would like 
               to walk in hear one day and find
 
               
               you sitting down. (Starts to walk out of the store) That would 
               give me a lot of
 
               
               pleasure. Call me crazy.

               
               
               
               (Back seat of a cab. Jackie and Kramer)

               
                             JACKIE
               You put the balm on? Who told you to 
               put the balm on? I didn't tell you
 
               
               
               to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even 
               been to see the
 
               
               doctor. If your gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm 
               on.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I guess I screwed up huh Jackie?

               
                             JACKIE
               Your damn right you screwed up. Where 
               the hell did you get that damm balm
 
               
               
               anyway?

               
                             KRAMER
               The Maestro.

               
                             JACKIE
               The who? What are you talking about 
               Maestro?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               My friend he's a conductor.

               
                             JACKIE
               Oh oh oh, so a Maestro tells you to 
               put a balm on and you do it?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well my stomach was burning.

               
                             JACKIE
               I tell you what this is. This is a public 
               humiliation.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I didn't know the balm was gonna 
               work.
 
               
                             JACKIE
               Do you know what a balm is? Have you 
               ever seen a balm? Didn't you read
 
               
               
               the instructions?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I ...

               
                             JACKIE
               (interrupts) No one can tell what a 
               balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm sorry Jackie.

               
                             JACKIE
               (To cab driver) Pull over here driver 
               this is it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Motions with his head) Yeah, get over.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Elaine and Jerry walking on the sidewalk in NYC)

               
                             JERRY
               Did you have a good time?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, he's very interesting. Did you 
               know that Mozart died while he was
 
               
               
               writing 'The Requiem'.

               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastically) Yeah, everyone knows 
               that, it was in Amadeus.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               So what about the "Maestro" stuff. Did 
               he make you call him Maestro.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I called him Maestro.

               
                             JERRY
               You didn't mind?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I did at first, but actually I 
               kind of got used to it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               O.K. from now on I want you to call 
               me "Jerry the Great".
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I am not calling you "Jerry the Great".
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why not you call him Maestro.

               
                             ELAINE
               He is a Maestro.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm great.

               
                             ELAINE
               So you say.

               
                             JERRY
               What about his house in Tuscany, he 
               mention that?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. (bragging) I'm invited.

               
                             JERRY
               You know when I told him it was beautiful 
               there, out of the clear blue sky
 
               
               he says there's nothing to rent. As if he doesn't want anyone 
               else there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed 
               by Americans.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, well maybe there aren't any houses 
               to rent there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               In all of Tuscany? I wonder.

               
               
               
               (Office of a Java World building)

               
                             MR STAR
               I say we offer him $50,000 that's it, 
               take it or leave it.
 
               
                             MR BURNS
               How do we know how severe the burns 
               are? Why don't we have him
 
               
               examined by a doctor.

               
                             MS. JORDAN
               Listen, the faster we dispose of this 
               the better. This thing gets into
 
               
               the paper it will kill us.

               
                             MR STAR
               All right, we'll start at 50,000 and 
               free coffee at all of our stores.
 
               
               
               (Secretary beeps)

               
                             MR STAR
               (Answering secretary) Yes?

               
               (Heard over the speaker)

               
                             SECRETARY
               Mr. Chiles and Mr. Kramer are here.
 
               
               
               (To intercom)

               
                             MR STAR
               Send them in.

               
               (Mr. Star opens door to let Jackie and Kramer in)

               
                             MR STAR
               Gentleman.

               
               (Kramer and Jackie enter Mr. Star's office)

               
                             MR STAR
               Gentleman come in. Now we don't want 
               to take up much of your time. Let's
 
               
               
               make this short and sweet. We're prepared to offer you all the 
               free coffee you
 
               
               want in any of our stores throughout North America and Europe, 
               Plus..
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Interrupting) I'LL TAKE IT!!

               
               
               
               (Jackie and Kramer in the back of a cab)

               
                             JACKIE
               I'll take it? Who told you to take it? 
               Did I tell you to take it?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No.

               
                             JACKIE
               I know the Maestro didn't tell you to 
               take it, he wasn't there.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I thought we were lucky to get 
               anything.
 
               
                             JACKIE
               Free coffee?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JACKIE
               I don't want free coffee. It's not hard 
               to get coffee. I can get my own
 
               
               damn coffee. I wanted to hear what came after that "Plus".

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I didn't hear any Plus.

               
                             JACKIE
               20 years practicing law I've never experienced 
               anything like this.
 
               
               (Kramer spots a Java World)

               
                             KRAMER
               Look, Java World. (To cabbie) Hey listen 
               I'm gonna get out here. I'm
 
               
               gonna get myself a free cafe latte.

               
               (Kramer tramples over Jackie to get out of the cab)

               
               
               
               (Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and hear music 
               approaching)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey. Hi Maestro.

               
               (Maestro makes like a conductor waiving his hands. Elaine joins 
               in to finish the song)
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               Beethoven's 7th.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey you know we were just talking about 
               you.
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               Oh yeah?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, ya know the other day how you 
               mentioned that there were no houses
 
               
               
               available in Tuscany?

               
                             MAESTRO
               You didn't find one, did you?

               
                             JERRY
               No. I'm not really looking.

               
                             MAESTRO
               Nor should you.

               
                             JERRY
               So are you telling me there's not one 
               house to rent in all of Tuscany?
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               The houses are passed down from generation 
               to generation, it's very hard.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't get a sublet, a guest room, 
               a cot, nothing?
 
               
                             MAESTRO
               It's booked solid!

               
                             ELAINE
               It's BOOKED Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               How'd you get yours?

               
                             MAESTRO
               Got lucky. Come on, Elaine, let's take 
               a ride, I was about to pop in some
 
               
               
               Verdi.

               
               (Elaine starts to sing in Italian. Maestro and Elaine drive away)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe I'll check out France.

               
               (George walks towards Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey George, do you believe this guy?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Who?

               
                             JERRY
               Bob Cobb.

               
                             GEORGE
               Bob Cobb?

               
                             JERRY
               You know, the Maestro.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh I missed the Maestro?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, get this, he tells me there are 
               no houses any where in Tuscany to rent.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Huh. Your renting a house in Tuscany?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               So what do you care?

               
               (George walks away leaving Jerry standing there by himself)
 
               
               
               
               
               (Monk's cafe. George and Jerry are sitting at the booth)

               
                             JERRY
               I just wish I could figure out if this 
               guy is trying to keep me out of
 
               
               Tuscany.

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course he is. There's got to be houses 
               for rent in Tuscany. Do you
 
               
               know how big Tuscany is?

               
                             JERRY
               I have no idea.

               
                             GEORGE
               It it's huge. It's probably like North 
               Dakota.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no way it's that big.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a big region.

               
                             JERRY
               Do you know how big North Dakota is 
               stupid?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know why I bother even talking 
               to you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, no one's got a gun to your head.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right.

               
               (George and Jerry hold there arms up in a truce)

               
                             GEORGE
               So I spoke to the security guard.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah and?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well it's tough to get a good read but 
               I think if I brought him a chair,
 
               
               
               he'd sit.

               
                             JERRY
               So are you gonna get him a chair?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yup. It's really just a question of 
               what kind. Thinking about a bar stool.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that would give him some height, 
               be able to check things out. With a
 
               
               
               back or without.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh I think I'd go for the back.

               
                             JERRY
               Swivel?

               
                             GEORGE
               I suppose he could swivel. Hey maybe 
               one of those director's chairs. What
 
               
               
               do you think of those.

               
                             JERRY
               I thinks it's kind of a pompous look. 
               You know my parents used to have a
 
               
               
               kitchen chair that would have been perfect.

               
                             GEORGE
               You mean one of those vinyl things?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Vinyl yeah, maybe.

               
                             JERRY
               How can I figure out if there's any 
               places to rent in Tuscany? Wait a
 
               
               
               minute. Poppy's from Tuscany. I'm gonna go call him.

               
               (Jerry leaves the booth headed for the phone in the back of the 
               cafe)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, good luck. Hey I'll meet you outside.
 
               
               
               
               
               (In Maestro's car, he and Elaine are driving and singing Finiculi, 
               Finicula)
 
               
               
               
               (On the street in the city, George and Jerry are talking)

               
                             JERRY
               Poppy told me to talk to his cousin, 
               he lives down in Little Italy.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What do you think about a rocking chair?
 
               
               
               (Camera shifts to inside a Java World and Kramer is exiting at 
               the door)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Speaking very fast and fidgety) You 
               can't put a limit on my cafe lattes,
 
               
               
               it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when 
               I come in here.
 
               
               If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have 
               any problems I'm
 
               
               gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be 
               in really big trouble.
 
               
               (Kramer exits and runs into Jerry and George)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's 
               the matter?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Awe there making faces at me cause I've 
               had a couple of cafe lattes. But I'm
 
               
               
               entitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that 
               was the settlement.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's it?

               
                             KRAMER
               That's it. What you want one George? 
               I can get one for you. No problem.
 
               
               
               Jerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure.

               
                             JERRY
               You've got to stop it. Your your all 
               hopped up on the caffein.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I feel like I'm talking fast but 
               it's very hard to tell.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're racing!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well well I've got things to do. I'll 
               see you later. Bye.
 
               
               (Kramer walks extremely fast away from Jerry and George first 
               putting the contract
 
               
               into his jacket and then fixes his tie all while still walking 
               extremely fast)
 
               
               
               
               (Dark room. Elaine and Maestro are kissing)

               
                             ELAINE
               (Passionately) Oh Bob! Bob!

               
               (Maestro is insulted and pulls away)

               
                             ELAINE
               (Correcting herself) Maestro!

               
               (Maestro begins kissing Elaine again)

               
               
               
               (Ross' clothing store. George carries in a rocking chair)

               
                             CLERK
               (Noticing George with the rocking chair) 
               Excuse me. Can I help you?
 
               
                             GEOGE
               Nope. Just a, giving a chair to the 
               security guard.
 
               
                             CLERK
               Did Mr. Ross tell you to do this?

               
               (George motions for the clerk to approach him)

               
                             GEORGE
               What's your name?

               
                             CLERK
               Evan Fayne.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'm 
               probably gonna be taking over this
 
               
               
               whole place someday so if I were you I would stay on my good 
               side.
 
               
                             CLERK
               I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Innocent mistake.

               
               (George gives the chair to the security guard)

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, here you go. What do you think?
 
               
               
                             GUARD
               Mr. Ross says this is O.K.?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, I'm his nephew, all right? Don't 
               worry about it. Go ahead. Check it out.
 
               
               
               (Guard sits in the chair)

               
                             GUARD
               Not bad. Not bad at all.

               
               
               
               (Dark room in the back of an Italian restaurant.)

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. 
               Giggio.
 
               
                             GIGGIO
               Si, Si, imma Giggio.

               
                             JERRY
               Poppy sent me to see you Mr. Giggio.
 
               
               
                             GIGGIO
               Si, Si Poppy.

               
                             JERRY
               Um, did he did he mention to you why 
               I called?
 
               
                             GIGGIO
               Si, the house in Tuscana.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, right, right. So is there anything 
               there to rent?
 
               
                             GIGGIO
               Si. Two million lira. You give me the 
               check.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't actually want to rent it.
 
               
               
                             GIGGIO
               The keys, here are the keys. You give 
               me the check. Two million
 
               
               lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso.

               
               (A man approaches Mr. Giggio and whispers in his ear.)

               
                             GIGGIO
               (To the man) Si, Si.

               
               (Jerry watches the man walk away and appears to be very frightened)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So see um, I didn't say that I wanted 
               to rent it, I was just wondering if
 
               
               
               there were houses there to rent.

               
                             GIGGIO
               Si. (hods up the keys) Thissa one!. 
               Capiche?
 
               
               
               
               (Ross' clothing store. The employees are being held up at gun 
               point. The
 
               
               camera moves from the right to the left. There is a masked man 
               taking the money
 
               
               from the cash register. As the camera moves all the way to the 
               left of the store,
 
               
               you see the security guard fast asleep in his new chair)

               
               
               
               (At the window of a house in Tuscany. Elaine and Maestro are 
               talking.
 
               
               There is a lady singing in Italian in the background)

               
                             ELAINE
               It's been a rough couple of weeks, ya 
               know I really needed to get away.
 
               
               
                             MAESTRO
               I told you, it's paradise.

               
                             ELAINE
               You're right Maestro.

               
               (The sound of a car horn is heard in the background. A cab driver 
               is yelling
 
               
               in Italian. Elaine and Maestro go to the window on the other 
               side of the room
 
               
               to see what is going on. We see the cab.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Common Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get 
               out.
 
               
               (Jerry falls out of the back seat of the cab.)

               
                             JERRY
               You didn't have to push me.

               
                             KRAMER
               I didn't push you. How much did you 
               pay that guy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               75,000 lira.

               
                             KRAMER
               75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer you don't under the conversion 
               rate.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, conversion rate, oh.

               
                             JERRY
               You know I don't even know why I brought 
               you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Nobody put a gun to your head.

               
               (They look up and see the place)

               
                             JERRY
               Not bad!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah!

               
               
               
                            THE END



The Maestro



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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