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                              THE MAID



                             Written by

                      Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer,

                David Mandel, Kit Boss & Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY

               
               George and Jerry sit at their usual booth.

               
                             JERRY
               Cup of tea with lemon.

               
                             GEORGE
               What happened to your voice?

               
                             JERRY
               I was screamin' at hecklers all night. 
               The last time I open for a rodeo.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten 
               as far as I can go with George Costanza.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is this the suicide talk or the nickname 
               talk?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The nickname. George. What is that? 
               It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. 
               I need a nickname that makes people 
               light up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You mean like...Liza!

               
                             GEORGE
               But I was thinking...T-bone.

               
                             JERRY
               But there's no "t" in your name. What 
               about G-bone?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               There's no G-bone.

               
                             JERRY
               There's a g-spot.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's a myth.

               
               George takes a bite of his sandwich and gets a piece stuck to 
               his chin.
 
               
                             JERRY
               T-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya.
 
               
               
               EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING

               
                             ELAINE
               Why did they hire you for a rodeo?
 
               
               
               INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

               
               Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the sofa chewing gum.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers 
               once.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Didn't he throw you off a bus in the 
               middle of Alabama or--
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I had that comin' to me.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, Kenny Rogers has a-

               
               Jerry's maid exits from his bedroom and walks over to the kitchen.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why did you get a maid?

               
                             JERRY
               You don't have to whisper. She knows 
               she's a maid.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Where did you get her?

               
                             JERRY
               I hired her from a service!

               
                             MAID
               All done.

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you. Nice job.

               
                             MAID
               Is this mine?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
               The maid leaves Jerry's apartment. Elaine smiles at Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Come on, Jerry. You didn't notice?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Notice what? She's not really even a 
               maid.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
                             JERRY
               She wants to be an actress...or a, uh, 
               model...or a dancer...or a...news woman.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh-huh. News woman. Yeah.

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is 
               over. My girlfriend's movin' away.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You have a girlfriend?

               
               Jerry stands up; Kramer opens the fridge.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, where have you been?

               
                             JERRY
               At a rodeo. Where's she moving?

               
                             KRAMER
               Downtown.

               
                             ELAINE
               Downtown New York?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one 
               of these long-distance relationships.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's like 10 minutes by subway.

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know.

               
               Kramer opens a bottled carbonated drink which overflows and spills 
               onto the floor.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's 
               a whole different world downtown-- different 
               Gap, different Tower Records, and she's 
               a 646.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? What is that?

               
                             JERRY
               That's the new area code. They've run 
               out of 242s, so all the new numbers 
               are 646.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I was a 718 when I first moved here. 
               I cried every night.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna 
               have to stop by later and pick up a 
               fax.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               At work?

               
                             KRAMER
               No. At your apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't have a fax machine.

               
                             JERRY
               Here we go.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, now what are we gonna do? (to 
               Jerry) See? This is why you should get 
               a fax and a Xerox.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And a dead bolt.

               
               KRAMER (to Elaine) Are ya sure you don't have one? Because there's 
               a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Then maybe you have a fax machine.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You just blew my mind.

               
               
               
               EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING

               
                             KRUGER
               Let's order lunch.

               
               INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY

               
               Everyone is gathered around a large conference table.

               
                             KRUGER
               Mary, I will have a chef's salad.

               
                             MALE WORKER
               Turkey sandwich.

               
                             GEORGE
               T-bone steak.

               
                             KRUGER
               For lunch?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. 
               Love that T-bone. In fact, you might 
               as well call me--
 
               
                             WATKINS
               That sounds good. I'll have one, too.
 
               
               
                             KRUGER
               Watkins, you're havin' a T-bone?

               
                             WATKINS
               I love 'em.

               
                             KRUGER
               Well, then we should call you T-bone.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, no. No, we shouldn't.

               
                             KRUGER
               T-bone!

               
                             ALL
               T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! 
               T-bone! T-bone! T-bone!
 
               
               INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY

               
               The phone rings. Elaine enters her apartment carrying bags of 
               groceries. She drops the bags and picks up the phone.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hello?

               
               A fax squeal.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
               She checks her answering machine.

               
                             MACHINE
               You have 57 messages. Message one...
 
               
               
               Fax squeal. She skips to the next message.

               
                             MACHINE
               Message two...

               
               Fax squeal. She skips to the next message.

               
                             MACHINE
               Message three...

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, it's George. Listen, I-

               
               She skips to the next message.

               
                             MACHINE
               Message four...

               
               Fax squeal.

               
               ELAINE Kramer!

               
               The phone rings. Elaine hesitates and lets it ring. She finally 
               caves and picks it up.
 
               
                             EALINE
               Hello?

               
               Another fax squeal.

               
                             ELAINE
               Aah!

               
               EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLSIHING

               
               INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

               
                             JERRY
               Well Cindy, the place looks great.
 
               
               
               She grabs her money off the counter.

               
                             CINDY
               Thanks Jerry, gotta run.

               
                             JERRY
               Ok, I'll see ya.

               
               As Cindy leaves, Jerry gives her a big kiss. Elaine shows up 
               and watches, amused.
 
               
                             CINDY
               Hi, Elaine.

               
               
               
               Jerry groans as Elaine enters and Cindy exits.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right! You're foolin' around with 
               your maid. That is a wise decision.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly 
               into a situation so obviously fraught 
               with potential complications?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You are paying a woman to come to your 
               house and sleep with you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. I pay her to clean. The rest is--
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What? A health plan?

               
                             JERRY
               I was going to say, "Being a good host."
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh-ho-ho. Oh.

               
                             JERRY
               But the point is we have our personal 
               relationship, and we have our work relationship. 
               They're separate and, I think, some 
               what sophisticated.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So you consider this a relationship?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I do.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Have you been out?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, we have.

               
                             ELAINE
               Where did you go?

               
                             JERRY
               The store.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mm! To get what?

               
                             JERRY
               Stuff.

               
                             ELAINE
               Cleaning supplies?

               
                             JERRY
               And gum.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated 
               than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' 
               some gum.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's not a maid. She might be a news 
               woman!
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Well, I just saw Madeline off. 
               Yeah. She's in a cab and--nguh nguh 
               nguh--on her way. I miss her already.
 
               
               
               Kramer sits down on the couch.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, Kramer, what was it you were having 
               faxed to my house every 30 seconds?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I signed up for a food delivery 
               service, Now We're Cookin'. That's a 
               play on words. You know, they're faxing 
               me the menus from some restaurants.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Which ones?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, all of them. It's the deluxe package.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So this is never gonna stop?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it better not. Paid for the whole 
               year. So, should I pick those up later?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You can pick 'em up right now.

               
               Elaine imitates the fax squeal right into Kramer's ear.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah!

               
               EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING

               
               INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY

               
               She fondles a candle stick as a phone man fixes her phone.

               
                             ELAINE
               I wonder if anyone knows he's here. 
               If he just disappeared...would anybody 
               notice?
 
               
                             PHONE MAN
               All right, miss Benes, all finished. 
               Here's your new number.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ahem. 646? What is this?

               
                             PHONE MAN
               That's your new area code.

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought 646 was just for new numbers.
 
               
               
                             PHONE MAN
               This is a new number.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, no, no. It's not a new number. 
               It's--it's--it's just a changed number. 
               See? It's not different. It's the same, 
               just...changed.
 
               
                             PHONE MAN
               Look, I work for the phone company. 
               I've had a lot of experience with semantics, 
               so don't try to lure me into some maze 
               of circular logic.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know, I could've killed you, and 
               no one would've known.
 
               
                             PHONE MAN
               I could've killed you, and no one would've 
               known.
 
               
               
               
               EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, you're still on the phone?
 
               
               
               INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               
               Kramer is sitting on the couch with a blanket. He's on the phone.
 
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. 
               Jerry, you know this comes on at the 
               same time here as it does there?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really? It's Tuesday here. What day 
               is it there?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. 
               Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. 
               I'll go, too.
 
               
               Kramer gets up and Jerry grabs the phone from him.

               
                             JERRY
               Madeline stays here.

               
               George enters.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, T-bone!

               
                             GEORGE
               No. No T-bone.

               
                             JERRY
               No T-bone?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, is that T-bone?!

               
                             JERRY
               No! There's no T-bone!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, why no T-bone?!

               
                             JERRY
               Why no T-bone?

               
                             GEORGE
               'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting 
               is T-bone!
 
               
               Kramer returns from the bathroom and picks up the phone.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play 
               cards over the phone?
 
               
               Kramer opens the door.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's 
               pilin' up there. You might want to tell 
               your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah.
 
               
               Kramer leaves.

               
                             GEORGE
               Your girlfriend is doin' your laundry?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               He's sleeping with his maid!

               
                             GEORGE
               You're sleepin' with the maid?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've done that. Did you ever eat an 
               ostrich burger?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
               EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY

               
               Elaine and a man are talking.

               
                             MAN
               You're probably one of those women who 
               doesn't like to give out her number.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I'm not. Here you go.

               
                             MAN
               646?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's a new area code.

               
                             MAN
               What area? New Jersey?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no. It's right here in the city. 
               It's the same as 212. They just multiplied 
               it by 3, and then they added one to 
               the middle number. It's the same.
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Do I have to dial a one first?

               
               Elaine nods and the man crumples up her number.

               
                             MAN
               I'm really kinda seein' somebody.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah? Well, so am I!

               
               EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second 
               there, Watkins?
 
               
               INT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

               
               George and Watkins stand just outside the conference room talking.
 
               
               
                             WATKINS
               It's T-bone.

               
                             GEORGE
               The thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone.
 
               
               
                             WATKINS
               Heh heh. You're not a T-bone. You're 
               a perfect George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What? Now, you listen to me!

               
               Kruger and a few other people watch George through the window 
               of the conference room door.
 
               
                             KRUGER
               Hey, look at George. He's givin' it 
               to T-bone. He's jumpin' up and down 
               like some kind of monkey. Hey, what 
               was the name of that monkey that could 
               read sign language?
 
               
                             WATKINS
               All right, you can have T-bone. Stop 
               crying.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have 
               said that about your wife. Please accept 
               my apologies.
 
               
               Watkins and George enter the conference room.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ok, everybody, uh...I have an announcement 
               to make. From now on, I will be known 
               as-
 
               
                             KRUGER
               Koko the monkey.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             ALL
               Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! 
               Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko!
 
               
               INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY

               
               Elaine walks down the hallway. Two people exit an apartment.
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Thank you both for being here.

               
                             EALINE
               Um, excuse me. I live in the building. 
               Did something happen to Mrs. Krantz?
 
               
               
                             MAN
               She passed.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I'm so sorry.

               
                             MAN
               Thank you.

               
                             ELAINE
               A quick question-- did she by any chance 
               have a 212 phone number?
 
               
               EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING

               
                             CINDY
               I can't find my earring. Oh, here it 
               is.
 
               
               INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

               
               Cindy walks into Jerry's bedroom. Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. It's in your closet.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no. I looked.

               
                             JERRY
               They're behind my skis and my tennis 
               racket.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Thanks, buddy.

               
                             JERRY
               Where you goin'?

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. 
               I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. 
               You know, this place is lookin' kinda 
               messy. What happened to Cindy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, she's here. She just didn't get 
               around to it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh.

               
               Cindy comes from Jerry's bedroom.

               
                             CINDY
               Hi, Kramer.

               
               She picks up her money from the counter.

               
                             CINDY
               Thanks, Jerry. Bye.

               
               She leaves.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what's the matter?

               
                             JERRY
               What did I just pay for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh-oh. You're a john.

               
               EXT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY - ESTABLISHING

               
                             JERRY
               Koko?

               
               INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY

               
               George and Jerry are sitting at the counter.

               
                             GEORGE
               Koko.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's probably the most intelligent 
               ape there is.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, everything's goin' great except, 
               basically, I'm payin' for sex.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Tell me about it. I went out with this 
               girl last week. First I had to pay for 
               dinner, then--
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, George. She's coming over and not 
               cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How much you pay this maid?

               
                             JERRY
               40.

               
                             GEORGE
               40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't 
               do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. 
               All right. Once she pinched my ass, 
               but I don't know what that was.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know what this is.

               
               Kramer enters and sits at the counter so George is between him 
               and Jerry.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, hey, hey. Look at that.

               
               Kramer shows of his I Love New York shirt.

               
                             JERRY
               Ooh.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, you wouldn't believe what it's 
               like down there. Taxicab drivers are 
               insane. You know, everybody is in a 
               hurry.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't eat with you leanin' over like 
               this. Just look straight forward.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, now I can't see Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               I look about the same.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               I was talking to him.

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Never mind.

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on. What'd he say?

               
                             GEORGE
               Never mind.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, come on. What'd you say?

               
               Kramer and Jerry try to talk to each other by leaning back and 
               forth, but keep missing each other. Jerry leans forward to look 
               at Kramer, but Kramer leans back. Kramer leans forward, Jerry 
               leans back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on. Where'd you go?

               
                             JERRY
               Go back.

               
                             KRAMER
               Eh! Come on. What did you say?

               
                             JERRY
               I said, never mind.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh.

               
                             JERRY
               I hate the counter.

               
               Elaine enters and sits at the counter next to Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               I hate the counter.

               
                             KRAMER
               Who's that?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I got a 212 number from this little 
               old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, she didn't mind?

               
                             ELAINE
               No. She died.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, that's great.

               
                             GEORGE
               What happened to Mrs. Krantz?

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine got a new number because she 
               died.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Newman died?

               
                             ELAINE
               What did he say?

               
                             JERRY
               Some new kind of pie.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll try a piece.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, who's down there?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, there's a booth.

               
               They all get up to move.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi.

               
                             KRAMER
               Did you hear about Newman?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
               Kramer whimpers.

               
               EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING

               
               INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

               
               Jerry is cleaning his kitchen and Cindy is reclined on the sofa. 
               George enters.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               So how's it goin' at work? They get 
               tired of it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yeah.

               
               He unfurls a jersey that reads, "Koko 00."

               
                             JERRY
               Double zero?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's "ooh" As in "ooh ooh ah ah."

               
                             CINDY
               Your nickname's Koko? One of the girls 
               down at the maid service is named Coco.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Really? Coco?

               
                             CINDY
               Yeah. Coco. That girl's all right.
 
               
               
               Cindy gets up and goes into Jerry's bedroom.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, if I could get this Coco woman 
               down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able 
               to call me Koko anymore because Kruger 
               would never allow 2 Kokos.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sounds like he runs a real tight ship.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Say good-bye to Koko.

               
               George leaves as Kramer enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Good-bye, Koko.

               
                             KRAMER
               Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship 
               is killing me. The distance, the longing, 
               the distance, the-- you know, I didn't 
               realize it, but I'm a needy person.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't 
               for you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, 
               be more like you? All sealed up in here, 
               emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen 
               for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't 
               be like you! Never! I'll never be like 
               you!
 
               
               Kramer storms out of the apartment and Cindy returns.

               
                             CINDY
               What was that?

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't hear anything.

               
                             CINDY
               All right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you 
               forgetting something?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing 
               you again. I love your outfit.
 
               
                             CINDY
               No. My money.

               
                             JERRY
               For what?

               
                             CINDY
               For my maid services. You booked me 
               for today.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But you didn't really do any work.
 
               
               
                             CINDY
               I made the bed.

               
                             JERRY
               But you took a nap in it.

               
                             CINDY
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               I thought that was kind of girlfriend 
               bed making.
 
               
                             CINDY
               No. That was the maid.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, who took the nap?

               
                             CINDY
               The girlfriend.

               
                             JERRY
               $40 seems kind of steep for a nap.
 
               
               
                             CINDY
               So, what are you saying? That I'm a 
               bad maid or some kind of a prostitute?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this 
               sophisticated.
 
               
                             CINDY
               You know, I don't think I want to be 
               your girlfriend or your maid.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So is this a breakup/quitting?

               
                             CINDY
               Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me 
               again.
 
               
               Cindy walks out of Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! 
               And you're fired!
 
               
               
               
               EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING

               
                             PHONE MAN
               Sign here.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes! 212.

               
               INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY

               
               Elaine and the phone man.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, what happened to the guy I had 
               last time?
 
               
                             PHONE MAN
               Oh, you know, it's an odd thing. He 
               went out on a job and never came back. 
               Nobody knows what happened.
 
               
               The phone man leaves and the phone rings.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right! I am back in the game.

               
               She picks up the phone.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello?

               
                             BOY
               Gammy!

               
                             ELAINE
               No. You got the wrong number, kid.
 
               
               
                             BOY
               Gammy Krantz, it's your grandson Bobby. 
               Why haven't you called?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh...nuts.

               
                             BOY
               Do you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No. It's just that I've been kind of 
               buried over here.
 
               
               EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING

               
               INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               
               Elaine and Jerry are playing Battleship.

               
                             JERRY
               So the kid doesn't know his grandmother 
               is dead? G-5?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't 
               want to tell him. B-2?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Miss.

               
                             ELAINE
               He called 6 times yesterday. What a 
               nightmare it must be to have a real 
               family.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I wouldn't worry about it. B-6?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine...

               
               Elaine makes an explosion sound. Jerry nods in approval. The 
               phone rings and Jerry answers.
 
               
                             INTERCUT
               
               
               JERRY'S APARTMENT/PHONE BOOTH

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             COMPUTER VOICE
               You have a collect call from--

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, buddy, don't say no!

               
                             JERRY
               I accept.

               
                             KRAMER
               I went down to Madeline's. I told her, 
               "You gotta move, or it's over."
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what happened?

               
               Elaine gets up and leaves.

               
                             KRAMER
               I think it's over. We had a big fight, 
               she threw me out, I started walkin', 
               and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have 
               any money. I don't recognize anybody. 
               I miss home,
 
               
               and I don't even know how to get there.

               
                             JERRY
               What's around you?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know 
               where that is?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Is it Famous Ray's?

               
                             KRAMER
               No. It's Original Ray's.

               
                             JERRY
               Famous Original Ray's?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's just Original, Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what street are you on?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I'm on first and first. How can 
               the same street intersect with itself? 
               I must be at the nexus of the universe.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, 
               Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, 
               I will find you!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Aah!

               
               Jerry leaves.

               
               EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

               
               Jerry finds a man waiting by his car.

               
                             MAN
               You Steinfeld?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             MAN
               My name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To 
               Order. It's a pun. I sent one of my 
               girls over to your place.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Cindy.

               
                             MAN
               She says she had a little problem with 
               you. You didn't pay.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, she didn't really do what 
               she was supposed to do.
 
               
                             MAN
               Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. 
               You're a little sickie, aren't you? 
               Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming 
               the counter--
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live 
               around here.
 
               
                             MAN
               You know what I do to people who stiff 
               me on a job?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             MAN
               Well, it kinda depends on the situation, 
               but if I don't get my money from you, 
               I'm gonna get it from her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't want to make trouble. You want 
               the money? Here.
 
               
                             MAN
               Hey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it 
               to the girl. I'm an independent contractor. 
               Tax purposes.
 
               
               
               
               INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               
               Elaine is sitting on her couch flipping through a magazine. She's 
               on the phone.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Bobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. 
               Why? Because sometimes you call very 
               early in the morning when Gammy has 
               been out late the night before and sometimes 
               when Gammy's not alone. Your parents 
               still haven't said anything to you about 
               your Gammy? (sighs) All right, here 
               we go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel 
               so good. I think
 
               
               Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call 
               anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go.
 
               
               Bobby dials 911.

               
                             BOBBY
               9-1-1.

               
               EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

               
               Jerry is driving down the street when he sees Cindy walking on 
               the sidewalk.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy.
 
               
               
                             CINDY
               What do you want?

               
                             JERRY
               Here. I got your money.

               
                             CINDY
               I don't want any money from you.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on. Take it. It's money. Let me 
               give it to ya.
 
               
               A police cruiser pulls up with lights on.

               
                             POLICE
               Looking for a good time, sir? You wanna 
               step out of the car, sickie?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, this is all very sophisticated.
 
               
               
               INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               
               Elaine is sitting on the sofa reading when there is a pounding 
               on the door. The door bursts open and some fire fighters run 
               in.
 
               
               
               
                             FIREMAN
               All right, hang on, Gammy! You're gonna 
               make it!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Aah!

               
               
               
               EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

               
               Kramer is waiting near a phone booth with a suitcase. A car pulls 
               up. It's Maxwell.
 
               
                             MAXWELL
               Hey, you look a little lost. You from 
               around here?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, no.

               
                             MAXWELL
               You know where you're going?

               
                             KRAMER
               Not really. My friend was supposed to 
               pick me up, but I don't know where he 
               is.
 
               
                             MAXWELL
               Doesn't sound like much of a friend. 
               You got any money?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, no.

               
                             MAXWELL
               You wanna make some?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ok.

               
                             MAXWELL
               Do you know how to use a mop wringer?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah.

               
                             MAXWELL
               Why don't you get in the car?

               
               Kramer hops in.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi. Ahh...these are soft seats.

               
               The two drive off.

               
               EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING

               
                             KRUGER
               Hey, Koko, Who's this?

               
               INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT

               
               Everyone is gathered again around the conference table. George 
               is standing introducing the newest employee.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               This is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, 
               sir.
 
               
                             KRUGER
               So you're just hiring new people now? 
               That's your job, to hire people?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes?

               
                             KRUGER
               Ok, good enough for me, Koko.

               
               
               
               George sits down.

               
                             KRUGER
               Ahem. Now, what's your name?

               
                             COCO
               My name is Coco. Coco Higgins.

               
                             GEORGE
               Coco?

               
                             KRUGER
               We can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're 
               back to being George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it was a hell of a ride.

               
                             KRUGER
               All right, the Grace building. There's 
               a big stain on the front. How do we 
               get it off?
 
               
                             COCO
               When I was a little girl in Jamaica, 
               my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag 
               and in a circ--
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, 
               no one cares about your Gammy.
 
               
                             COCO
               What did you say about my Gammy?

               
                             GEORGE
               Forget Gammy.

               
                             KRUGER
               Who's Gammy?

               
                             GEORGE
               There's no Gammy.

               
                             KRUGER
               Maybe there should be a Gammy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no.

               
                             KRUGER
               George.

               
                             ALL
               Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! 
               Gammy!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Gammy's gettin' upset!

                

                             THE END



The Maid



Writers :   Alec Berg  Jeff Schaffer  
Genres :   Comedy


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