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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                        THE MARINE BIOLOGIST



                             Written by

                      Ron Hauge & Charlie Rubin




 
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the 
               phone)
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (to the phone) Well did he bring it 
               up in the meeting?
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, see this T-shirts, six years 
               I've had this T-shirts, it's my
 
               
               best one, I call him...Golden Boy

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm on the phone here.

               
                             JERRY
               Golden Boy is always the first shirt 
               I wear out of the laundry, here
 
               
               touch Golden Boy!

               
                             ELAINE
               No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah 
               I'll hold.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But see look at the collar, see it's 
               fraying. Golden Boy is slowly
 
               
               dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes
 
               
               
               the T-shirts such a tragic figure.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak 
               in the sink with some
 
               
               Woolight?

               
                             JERRY
               No!!! The reason he's iron man is because 
               he goes out there and plays
 
               
               every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away
 
               
               
               from him, you break his spirit!

               
               
               
               (Elaine is suddenly excited)

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! 
               Oh! this is so fantastic! I'm
 
               
               so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm
 
               
               
               coming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and
 
               
               
               dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!

               
                             JERRY
               The guy in the gulag!

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, 
               and I'm working on it!
 
               
               Lippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday 
               in a
 
               
               limousine!

               
                             JERRY
               You wanna barrow Golden Boy!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! Don't you know what this means, 
               it's like working with Tolstoy!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey ya know what I read the most unbelievable 
               thing about Tolstoy the
 
               
               other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace" 
               was
 
               
               "War--What Is It Good For?"!

               
                             ELAINE
               Ha ha.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no.. I'm not kidding Elaine it's 
               true, his mistress didn't like
 
               
               the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace"!

               
                             ELAINE
               But it's a line from that song!

               
                             JERRY
               That's were they got it from!

               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not joking!

               
               
               
               (George enters with a handful of mail)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You can't handle the truth!(he solutes)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You 
               can't handle the truth!(he
 
               
               solutes)

               
                             ELAINE
               What, is this your mail? (She takes 
               the mail and starts flipping
 
               
               through)

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I grabbed it on my way, I don't 
               want my mother reading it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! Your Alumni Magazine.

               
                             JERRY
               Your mother reads your mail?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean like post-cards?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, anything.

               
                             JERRY
               She doesn't open?

               
                             GEORGE
               She'll open!

               
                             JERRY
               You've caught your mother opening envelopes!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               What did she say?

               
                             GEORGE
               I was curious!

               
                             JERRY
               Isn't that against the law?

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I can get her locked up.

               
                             ELAINE
               (She looks closer at the mag.) Hey Jerry, 
               you're in the Alumni
 
               
               
               Letterman" and the "Tonight Show" and he did a pilot for NBC 
               called
 
               
               "Jerry"...that was not picked up. Georgie, why isn't there anything
 
               
               
               about you in here?

               
                             JERRY
               He can't handle the truth!

               
                             ELAINE
               All right.. this is too fun I gotta 
               get back to work.
 
               
               
               
               (Elaine leaves and in the hall she meets up with Kramer, he is 
               holding a set
 
               
               of golf clubs)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, maybe you could use this (he searches 
               through his jacket) Ah,
 
               
               here, ah, it's an electronic organizer, ah, here it is.

               
               
               
               (Elaine Gasps)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah you know, for phone numbers, addresses, 
               keep appointments,
 
               
               everything

               
                             ELAINE
               Wow!

               
                             KRAMER
               It's got an alarm that beeps!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! I can't believe this, Kramer! I've 
               been wanting to get one of
 
               
               these things! Are you sure...(Kramer drops a piece of paper and
 
               
               
               bends over to pick it up and drops balls everywhere) Are you 
               sure you
 
               
               can't use one of these things??

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh no. I got all my appointments up 
               here. (he points to his head)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Where'd you get this?

               
                             KRAMER
               The bank, I opened a new account.

               
               
               
               (Back inside Jerry's apartment)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Did you see that whale thing on TV last 
               night?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm such a Huge whale fan. These marine 
               biologists were showing how
 
               
               they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, 
               what
 
               
               a fish!

               
                             JERRY
               It's a mammal.

               
                             GEORGE
               Whatever. (George looks to the table) 
               Hey new tape recorder?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, got it from the bank.

               
               
               
               (Kramer enters without his golf bag)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (over excited) Hey

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey

               
                             KRAMER
               (still over excited) Who wants to have 
               some fun!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I do.

               
                             GEORGE
               I do.

               
                             KRAMER
               (once again, over excited) Are you just 
               sayin' you want to have fun
 
               
               or do you really want to have fun?!

               
                             JERRY
               I really wanna have some fun.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Right now there six-hundred Titleists 
               that I got at the driving
 
               
               range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way
 
               
               
               and hit them-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now
 
               
               
               picture this....we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, 
               we take
 
               
               out our drivers, we tea up and (he makes a golf stroke), that 
               ball
 
               
               goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then.......
 
               
               
               ..... gulp!

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine 
               and I'll meet you at the
 
               
               coffee shop.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I'm gonna go get a paper.

               
               
               
               (Kramer gets ready to make another swing)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Keep your head down.

               
               
               
               (At the automatic teller machine Jerry is getting his money and 
               there is a
 
               
               woman beside him)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Cash advance...yes (he looks over) no 
               (he looks over again)balance
 
               
               inquiry...no (he looks again) receipt....no (he looks again)
 
               
               
               processing...processing...processing.(He opens the box and gets 
               his
 
               
               money and then looks at the woman and says)I won!

               
               
               
               (Jerry starts to walk away)

               
               
               
                             DIANE
               Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah

               
                             DIANE
               Diane, Diane DeConn, from college. I've 
               seen you on TV you're doin'
 
               
               great.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah pluggin' along.

               
                             DIANE
               I got the Alumni magazine. Ya know what 
               ever happened to your friend
 
               
               George? I never see him in there.

               
                             JERRY
               Well he's kind of modest.

               
                             DIANE
               He was always such a goof-off. I mean 
               did he ever get anywhere?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sure.

               
                             DIANE
               Yeah? What field?

               
                             JERRY
               Marine biology.

               
                             DIANE
               George is a marine biologist?!

               
                             JERRY
               A pretty damn good one, too!

               
                             DIANE
               I can't believe it I mean I would never 
               had thought..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah...he specializing in whales. He's 
               working on lowering the
 
               
               cholesterol level in whales...all that blubber-- quite unhealthy.
 
               
               
               You know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says "they
 
               
               
               don't have to be."

               
               
               
               (In the coffee shop Jerry and George are sitting)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Something huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah! How'd she look.

               
                             JERRY
               She looked great. She asked about you.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               She did! What did she say?

               
                             JERRY
               "How's George?"

               
                             GEORGE
               George! She said George? She remembered 
               my name. Diane DeConn
 
               
               remembered my name. She was the "it" girl!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah she asked for your number, I think 
               she's gonna get in touch with
 
               
               you.

               
                             GEORGE
               OK, I'm tellin' you right now if your 
               kiddin' around I'm not gonna
 
               
               be able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that. 
               You
 
               
               got that.

               
                             JERRY
               I got no problem with that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this 
               is a joke, if this is your
 
               
               idea of some cute little game...we're finished!

               
                             JERRY
               Expect a call.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh my god he's not kidding.

               
                             JERRY
               Now I should tell you at this point 
               she's under the impression the
 
               
               you are a.....

               
                             GEORGE
               A what?

               
                             JERRY
               A marine biologist.

               
                             GEORGE
               A marine biologist....why am I a marine 
               biologist?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I may have mentioned it.

               
                             GEORGE
               But I'm not a marine biologist!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm aware of that.

               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               You don't think it's a good job.

               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't think it was a job.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. It's a fascinating field!

               
                             GEORGE
               What if she calls. What will I say?
 
               
               
               
               
               (In George's parent's house...George is sitting in a chair. He 
               is talking to
 
               
               Diane on the phone)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Algae, obviously plankton, I don't know 
               what else I can tell you, Oh
 
               
               I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living
 
               
               
               with the turtles.

               
               
               
               (In the limo Elaine, Lippman, and Testikov are talkin')

               
               
               
                             LIPPMAN
               We have got you in a very nice hotel, 
               I don't know how you like to
 
               
               work but I can arrange for an office if you want.

               
                             TESTIKOV
               I will work in hotel...much better. 
               I will work away from all the
 
               
               penny bickering and interference.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               You know Tolstoy use to write in the 
               village square. The faces
 
               
               inspired him.

               
                             TESTIKOV
               He didn't need any inspiration....God 
               spoke through his pen.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That is so true! Although one wonders 
               if "War and Peace" would has
 
               
               been as highly acclaimed as it was if it was published under 
               it's
 
               
               original name "War---What Is It Good For?"

               
                             LIPPMAN
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes. Mr. Lippman. It was his mistress 
               who insisted he called it
 
               
               "War and Peace." "War--What Is It Good For."(sang) Absolutely
 
               
               
               nothin'! (spoken to Testikov)that's the song that they got from
 
               
               
               Tolstoy.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               I'm sorry, it's just her sense of humor.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Elaine's organizer starts beeping)

               
               
               
                             TESTIKOV
               What is that noise!

               
                             LIPPMAN
               What is that?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's coming from my purse. It must be 
               my new organizer, here.
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               Elaine...here!

               
                             TESTIKOV
               Turn it off.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               It's the top one!

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm trying!

               
                             TESTIKOV
               HERE!

               
               
               
               (He throws it out the window of the limo)

               
               
               
               (On the beach Kramer is getting ready to hit a ball. He swings 
               and misses.
 
               
               He looks for it in the air and the notes that it is still on 
               the
 
               
               ground. Then he goes nuts)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I did it for you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, but what did you have to tell 
               her that for. You put me in a
 
               
               very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable
 
               
               
               with this whole thing.

               
                             JERRY
               You know with all do respect I would 
               think it's right up your alley.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well it's not up my alley! It's one 
               thing if I make it up. I know
 
               
               what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos 
               Islands
 
               
               livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.

               
                             JERRY
               Well you came in the other day with 
               all that whale stuff, the
 
               
               squeaking and the squealing.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why couldn't you have made me an architect? 
               You know I always
 
               
               wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I'm supposed 
               to see
 
               
               her tomorrow, I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. Maybe she likes
 
               
               
               me for me.

               
               
               
               (Kramer bangs into the room with his golf clubs)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey ya want these (He throws down the 
               golf clubs) I don't want em!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               I stink! I can't play! The ball is just 
               sitting there, Jerry, and
 
               
               I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way 
               out!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well what happened?

               
                             KRAMER
               I have no concentration!

               
               
               
               (Kramer starts to scratch his body and rip his coat off)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What, what, what's wrong with you?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (Looking 
               down his shirt) Look there
 
               
               is still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand 
               in the
 
               
               pockets!

               
               
               
               (He empties his pocket and tons of sand falls out)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey you're getting it all over the floor!
 
               
               
               
               
               (Karma falls over as the phone rings)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to the phone)Hello....yeah....yes it 
               is....really....oh. Can you
 
               
               hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, 
               some
 
               
               woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants 
               me
 
               
               to help track down the owner.

               
                             GEORGE
               How'd she find it?

               
                             JERRY
               It hit her in the head!

               
               
               
               (Woman on the phone and Jerry are sitting in the coffee shop)
 
               
               
               
               
                             CORINNE
               So I am walkin' along, minding my own 
               business when all off the
 
               
               sudden this thing come flying out off no were and cunks me right 
               on
 
               
               the head.

               
                             JERRY
               Ya.

               
                             CORINNE
               Yeah, So they took me to the hospital 
               and they put me in this thing
 
               
               that fells like a coffin for forty-five minutes. Have you ever 
               been
 
               
               in one of those things? You could go berserk in there!

               
                             JERRY
               Well you have insurance...

               
                             CORINNE
               I wish!

               
                             JERRY
               Unbelievable!

               
                             CORINNE
               Yeah.

               
               
               
               (Organizer beeps)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What is with this thing.

               
                             CORINNE
               I don't know, it never shuts up. So 
               anyway, you can see why I
 
               
               would be interested in finding this person.

               
                             JERRY
               Absolutely. You should not have to pay 
               for that.
 
               
               
               
               (Organizer beeps again)

               
               
               
                             CORINNE
               (shouting at the top of her lungs)Stop 
               it! Stop it!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Let me have a look at this thing.

               
                             CORINNE
               Yeah know somebody told me they thought 
               they saw it coming out of
 
               
               a limousine.

               
                             JERRY
               Typical rich people, using the world 
               for their personal garbage can.
 
               
                             CORINNE
               Boy am I lucky your name came up. I 
               just pushed a button.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I would like to know what my name is 
               doin in this creep's organizer
 
               
               to begin with.

               
                             CORINNE
               Ya.

               
                             JERRY
               Who do I even know that would have been 
               in a limousine yesterday
 
               
               anyway. OHHHH!

               
               
               
               (In the hallway Elaine knocks on Kramer's door, he answers)
 
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, "great" organizer that you gave 
               me.
 
               
               
               
               (Kramer is still itching cause the sand)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you like it huh.

               
                             ELAINE
               It wouldn't stop beeping in the car 
               so Testikov through it out the
 
               
               window.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh.

               
                             ELAINE
               I transferred everything in there. I 
               threw out my old book. I'm
 
               
               lost now, Kramer.

               
               
               
               (He goes crazy again)

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What, what is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               The sand, it's everywhere!

               
                             ELAINE
               OK I'll see you later.

               
               
               
               (Kramer closes the door and Jerry walks up to his door)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, there you are!

               
                             ELAINE
               There you are!

               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             ELAINE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               So what do you have to say for yourself?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So what do you have to say for yourself?
 
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry unlocks the door and they both walk in and close the door)
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why should I have anything for say for 
               myself?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               "War-- What is it go for?"!

               
                             JERRY
               Ha Ha, who told you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ha ha ha. Yuri Testikov, the Russian 
               writer!
 
               
                             JERRY
               You told Testikov that Tolstoy wanted 
               to name his book "War-- What
 
               
               Is IT Good For?"?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ya know what happened?

               
                             JERRY
               Can I take a guess?

               
                             ELAINE
               Please.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer 
               out the window?
 
               
               
               
               (Elaine pushes Jerry)

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What, how did you know that?

               
                             JERRY
               Because I know who has it.

               
                             ELAINE
               What, how did you find it?

               
                             JERRY
               Because the woman who got hit in the 
               head with it found my name in
 
               
               it, called me up, and we met!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well where is it, give it to me!

               
                             JERRY
               I don't have it!

               
                             ELAINE
               Why not.

               
                             JERRY
               Because she's not returning it until 
               she gets the money back for the
 
               
               hospital bill.

               
                             ELAINE
               But I didn't do Testikov did it, he 
               should have to pay for it!
 
               
                             JERRY
               How much is Testikov getting from Pendman 
               for this book?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               One million.

               
                             JERRY
               Well that's a start.

               
               
               
               (George and Diane are walking on the beach)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Then of course with evolution the octopus 
               lost the nostrils and took
 
               
               on the more familiar look that we know today. But if you look
 
               
               
               really closely you can still see a bump where the nose use to 
               be.
 
               
                             DIANE
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk 
               about other things like...
 
               
               architecture...

               
               
               
               (At the hotel that Testikov is staying at)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know what room Testikov's in?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ya, 308. I'm crazy for doing this!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you want to get your organizer 
               back don't you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why are you so interested, you want 
               to take her out?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know when Super Man saves someone 
               no one asks if he's trying to
 
               
               hit on her!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well you're not Super Man.

               
                             JERRY
               Well you're not Louis Lane.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Listen, you have the tape-recorder.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ya, are you sure you want to do this.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ya I got to get Testikov on tape. If 
               this woman ends up in the
 
               
               "New England Journal Of Medicine" I'm not going to pay for it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, here she comes.

               
               
               
               (Corinne enters through the hotel door)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hi, Elaine, this is Corinne.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, you got the organizer?

               
               
               
               (The organizer starts to beep as Corinne opens her coat to show 
               the organizer in her inside coat pocket)
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right lets go. We'll meet you back 
               here in ten minutes hopefully
 
               
               with the money.

               
               
               
               (At the beach George and Diane are still walking)

               
               
               
                             DIANE
               Your parents must be so proud of you, 
               George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, they're busting!

               
               
               
               (there is a large crowd of men and women)

               
               
               
                             DIANE
               What are those people doing over there?
 
               
               
               
               
               (In Testikov's hotel room there is a knock and he goes to answer 
               it. He
 
               
               opens it up and it is Jerry and Elaine)

               
               
               
                             TESTIKOV
               (In a loud and cranky voice) What, What 
               is it! Oh! Come in. That
 
               
               is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you 
               bring
 
               
               guest for my entertainment?

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. He 
               accompanied me, ya know, single
 
               
               woman alone in a big city could be dangerous.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes. That's why I where these sneakers, 
               in case of any trouble and
 
               
               zip, I'm gone.

               
                             TESTIKOV
               Yeah, Yeah. The sneakers. The Americans 
               and their sneakers.
 
               
               Always running from something. Well, sit stop running, two minutes
 
               
               
               and I'll give you the latest manuscript!

               
               
               
               (They both sit down and Jerry picks out a very large book from 
               the coffee
 
               
               table)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! Ramscy(?), great great book if I 
               my say so sir. I almost read the
 
               
               whole thing.

               
               
               
               (Corinne is standing in the hotel lobby smoking while the organizer 
               is still
 
               
               beeping)

               
               
               
                             CORINNE
               What!

               
                             HOTEL CLERK
               If you can't thing off I'm going to 
               have to ask you to leave.
 
               
                             CORINNE
               I'm waitin for two people!

               
                             HOTEL CLERK
               Well you can wait for them outside.
 
               
               
                             CORINNE
               Yeah I guess I'd better. Wouldn't want 
               to take any attention away
 
               
               from the hookers!

               
                             HOTEL CLERK
               All right, All right. Out, Out.

               
                             CORINNE
               What ever you say Cro..w-well!

               
               
               
               (On the beach George and Diane are standing with the crowd)
 
               
               
               
               
                             DIANE
               What's going on over here?

               
                             WOMAN AT BEACH
               There is a beached whale, she's dying.
 
               
               
                             VOICE
               Is anyone here a marine biologist?
 
               
               
               
               
               (In Testikov's room)

               
               
               
                             TESTIKOV
               Here is the latest draft. I see you 
               next week. Same time, same
 
               
               place. On time please.

               
                             JERRY
               It was nice meeting you, real pleasure!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, by the way Mr. Testikov do you remember 
               the other day when we
 
               
               were in the limo and my organizer started beeping and you threw 
               it
 
               
               out the window?

               
                             TESTIKOV
               How could I forget?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well would you believe that it hit actually 
               somebody in the head.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Right in the head!

               
                             ELAINE
               Boing!

               
               
               
               (The tape-recorder in Elaine's purse starts to squeak)

               
               
               
                             TESTIKOV
               (Shouting)What is that noise!

               
                             ELAINE
               Um ,nothing.

               
                             TESTIKOV
               What is the noise!

               
               
               
               (He grabs the purse)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey that's my purse!

               
               (He pulls out the recorder)

               
               
               
                             TESTIKOV
               A recorder!

               
                             ELAINE
               No that's a radio..

               
                             TESTIKOV
               You were spying on me!

               
                             ELAINE
               No I wasn't.

               
               
               
               (He throws the recorder out of the hotel window)

               
               
               
               (Corinne is standing outside of the hotel and looks up to see 
               the
 
               
               tape-recorder falling to hit her in the head)

               
               
               
               (Kramer is standing at his window knocking his boot on the windowsill 
               trying
 
               
               to get the sand out but he drops it)

               
               
               
               (Newman is walking down the street whistling but he stops and 
               looks up and he
 
               
               yells as the boat hits him in the head)

               
               
               
               (At the beach everyone is yelling at George)

               
               
               
                             CROWD
               Come on! Save the whale! Hurry up it's 
               gonna die!
 
               
                             DIANE
               Save the whale George... for me.

               
               
               
               (He turns and throws his hat down. He walks into the ocean)
 
               
               
               
               
               (At the coffee shop Jerry and Kramer are awaiting the story)
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So I started to walk into the water. 
               I won't lie to you boys, I
 
               
               was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the
 
               
               
               breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was 
               divine
 
               
               intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you 
               Jerry
 
               
               at that moment I was a marine biologist!

               
               
               
               (Elaine enters and sits down)

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               George I was just reading this thing 
               in the papers, it's amazing!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know I was just telling them the story.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Come on George, finish the story.

               
                             GEORGE
               The sea was angry that day my friends, 
               like an old man trying to
 
               
               return soup at a deli!

               
               
               
               (Jerry gives Kramer a "what the h-" glance)

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I got about fifty-feet out and then 
               suddenly the great beast
 
               
               appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was 
               a
 
               
               foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said,
 
               
               
               "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized
 
               
               
               something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing
 
               
               
               I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!

               
                             JERRY
               Mammal.

               
                             GEORGE
               Whatever.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what did you do next?

               
                             GEORGE
               Then from out of nowhere a huge title 
               wave lifted, tossed like a cork and 
               I found myself on top of him face to 
               face with the blow-hole. I could barely 
               see from all of the waves crashing down 
               on top of me but I knew something was 
               there so I reached my hand and pulled 
               out the obstruction!
 
               
               
               
               (George pulls out of the inside pocket a golf ball)

               
               
               
               (Jerry and George just stare at Kramer)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What is that a Titleist? A hole in one 
               eh.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well the crowd most have gone wild!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yes they did Jerry they were all 
               over me. It was like Rocky 1.
 
               
               Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. 
               We
 
               
               both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so
 
               
               
               beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was 
               not a
 
               
               marine biologist!

               
                             JERRY
               Wow! What'd she say?

               
                             GEORGE
               She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took 
               the bus home.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right lets go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you in a bad mood?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I just got my laundry back.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohhh! GoldenBoy?

               
                             JERRY
               He didn't make it.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry.

               
                             JERRY
               This is GoldenBoy's son, BabyBlue.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What's with you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Sand. It's everywhere

               
               
               
                            THE END



The Marine Biologist



Writers :   Ron Hauge  Charlie Rubin
Genres :   Comedy


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