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                            THE MASSEUSE



                             Written by

                            Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               
               
               (Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Elaine's on the phone with Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               No eight years isn't such a long streak.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It isn't?

               
                             JERRY
               No I haven't vomited in thirteen years.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Get out!

               
                             JERRY
               Not since June 29, 1980.

               
                             ELAINE
               You remember the date?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, because my previous vomit was also 
               June 29th... 1972. That's why during 
               the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: 
               "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on 
               June 29th again."
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't 
               thrown up in eight years, I was wondering 
               if he was normal.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just 
               happens to have the same name as one 
               of the worst serial killers in the history 
               of New-York.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's 
               office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta 
               go. (she hangs up)
 
               
                             JOANNE
               Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a 
               bus stop.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah?

               
                             JOANNE
               Yeah. What's his name?

               
                             ELAINE
               Joel...

               
                             JOANNE
               Joel what?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh... Rifkin.

               
                             MICHAEL
               Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.
 
               
               
                             MICHAEL
               Guess you better keep on his good side.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Very funny. That's very funny.

               
                             JOANNE
               I wouldn't sleep with my back to him 
               if I were you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               All right. Well that's enough of that. 
               That's enough.
 
               
                             MICHAEL
               Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything 
               decaying in the trunk of his car...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (she's upset, gets up and yells) OK 
               look this is my boyfriend we're talking 
               about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's 
               good looking, he's a good shaver and 
               he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so 
               just shut up about him! Shut up!
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (Jerry's)

               
                             ELAINE
               The whole city is talking about this 
               monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating 
               a Joel Rifkin.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But you like your Joel Rifkin.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. I just wish he has a different 
               name.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ask him to change it.

               
                             ELAINE
               You can't ask a person to change their 
               name.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why not?

               
                             ELAINE
               Would you change yours?

               
                             JERRY
               If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude 
               Seinfeld.
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? 
               Eighteen?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Eighteen strangles.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? 
               Because he was adopted. (saying it as 
               he's taking a lot of paper towels from 
               Jerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused 
               at Kramer's statement) Just like Son 
               of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption 
               leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves 
               and we don't know why he needed so much 
               paper towels)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know Joel and I have an extra ticket 
               to the Giants game.
 
               
               (Jerry doesn't have the time to open his mouth before Kramer 
               pops in again)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'll go.

               
                             ELAINE
               O.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at 
               will call.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah! Ooh! (leaves again)

               
                             ELAINE
               You think I should have asked George?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey did you hear that George got back 
               with Karen?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Karen?

               
                             JERRY
               Risotto. (we see a flashback from The 
               Mango where Karen tells George that 
               she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed 
               to when she has sex with him)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! The Risotto broad.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. He's really got a good thing with 
               her. In fact I'm doubling with them 
               tonight.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I tought you didn't like double dates.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George likes them, he feels it's a good 
               personality showcase. He likes a date 
               to see him with a friend so she can 
               get a window into his nondate personality.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I've looked through that window and 
               screamed at him to shut the blinds.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He feels he's funnier, more relaxed.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               And you're taking...

               
                             JERRY
               Jody the masseuse.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, did you get a massage yet?

               
                             JERRY
               No! How many times do I have to go out 
               with her before I get a massage?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, she gives massages all day. She 
               doesn't wanna to give them on dates.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah I know... She just wants to have 
               sex.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what?

               
                             JERRY
               Well it's like going to Idhao and eating 
               carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in 
               Idhao, I want a potato.
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant'))
 
               
               
               (Jerry, Jody, Karen and George sitting at a table. Yes! They 
               got a table!)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (George is telling a story. Karen is 
               laughing and she seems to be the only 
               one to find him funny) So I go into 
               this clothing store and the saleswoman 
               is wearing this (whistling) low cut 
               thing. So I said to her: "Can I ask 
               you a question? When you put on a top 
               like that, what's your tought process? 
               What's going on in your mind?"
 
               
                             KAREN
               That is so funny.

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jody) You're listening to this?
 
               
               
                             JODI
               Yeah. I heard you.

               
                             JERRY
               (to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right 
               in this spot. Very tender over here.
 
               
               
                             JODI
               (to George) So what did she say?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well nothing. I didn't actually say 
               that. (Karen is still laughing)
 
               
                             JODI
               You just said that you said it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Sweetheart, I was exaggerating.

               
                             KAREN
               I'm learning a lot about you tonight 
               George. I've never seen you like this.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (touching the back of his neck) It's 
               like somebody's pulling on wires back 
               here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know it's like you never see a really 
               attractive woman getting a traffic ticket.
 
               
               
                             JODI
               How can you say that? My sister got 
               a ticket last week. Are you saying she's 
               not attractive?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well I've never met your sister but 
               obviously these are not hard-and-fast 
               rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the 
               tea is getting a little cold sweetheart.
 
               
               
                             JODI
               (to Jerry) Can we go?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Let's go.

               
                             KAREN
               So soon? (they get up)

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen.
 
               
               
                             KAREN
               Yeah.

               
                             JODI
               Nice meeting you Karen.

               
                             KAREN
               Yeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna 
               call you about that massage.
 
               
                             JODI
               Oh yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jody let's do this agian real soon (he 
               tends his arms for a hug but she avoids 
               him)
 
               
                             JODI
               Yeah. (she and Jerry walk away)

               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (Jerry's place later that night)

               
               (Jerry and Jody are sitting next to each other on the couch, 
               watching TV)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I strained my neck last night.

               
                             JODI
               Really, how?

               
                             JERRY
               I tried brushing my teeth by holding 
               the brush and moving my head from side 
               to side. It didn't work.
 
               
                             JODI
               So what's the deal with your friend 
               George?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No deal. Why?

               
                             JODI
               What was all that "attractive women 
               not getting tickets" nonsense?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He was just showcasing his nondate pesonality.
 
               
               
                             JODI
               I don't know how you can hang out with 
               that guy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense 
               (he takes Jody's hand and put it on 
               his shoulder)
 
               
                             JODI
               Did you see the way that he was eating?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her 
               hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously 
               starts to massage a little while watching 
               TV)
 
               
                             JODI
               I have to tell you, I really don't like 
               him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, me either. (he takes her other 
               hand and put it on his other shoulder)
 
               
               
                             JODI
               It's just I hate that type.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, he's a bad seed.

               
                             JODI
               Now you however, you, I like. (she stops 
               massaging and kisses Jerry)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing?

               
                             JODI
               What do you think I'm doing? (he won't 
               get his massage...)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (The Chinese restaurant)

               
               (George and Karen are still at the table, they're about to leave)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So, what do you think?

               
                             KAREN
               Really enjoyed it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jody's nice.

               
                             KAREN
               She's very nice. (grabs George's hand) 
               Let's discuss this later.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You think she liked me? She seemed to 
               like me.
 
               
                             KAREN
               Yeah

               
                             GEORGE
               I was personable. Don't you think I 
               was personable?
 
               
                             KAREN
               You were *extremely* personable.

               
                             GEORGE
               I tought I picked up a little something. 
               I'm very good at this. Did you pick 
               up anything?
 
               
                             KAREN
               I didn't pick up anything.

               
                             GEORGE
               The second time I sent the noodle back, 
               I tought she made a face...
 
               
                             KAREN
               I didn't see a face.

               
                             GEORGE
               I tought I saw a face.

               
                             KAREN
               Anyhow, what is the difference?

               
                             GEORGE
               No difference. I could care less. She's 
               Jerry's girlfriend.
 
               
                             KAREN
               George, George, instead of talking about 
               this, we could be... you know... (she 
               makes a move with her head like George 
               did in 'The Mango' while saying: "instead 
               of the movie...")
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He he he he

               
                             KAREN
               Ah ah ah ah

               
                             GEORGE
               So you think she likes me?

               
               (Karen gives up and slams her forehead down on the table)

               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (Elaine's place)

               
               (She's sitting on the couch, reading, and Joel is coming quietly 
               behind her to massage her neck.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (as he touches her) Uhh! What are you 
               doing?
 
               
                             JOEL
               Massaging your neck.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging.

               
                             JOEL
               Uh, boning up on football? (talking 
               about the magazine she's reading as 
               he sits beside her)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are 
               a lot of players named Dion these days. 
               What a cool name, Dion. If I were gonna 
               change my name, I'd go with Dion.
 
               
               
                             JOEL
               Dion Benes?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well as a woman, it makes no sense. 
               But, I mean, let's say I was you. And 
               I decided I was gonna change my name 
               for no real reasons whatsoever-- Dion 
               Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool.
 
               
                             JOEL
               D-Dion Rifkin?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well maybe you're not the Dion type. 
               O.K. then let's see, let's see, what 
               do we got? (looking at the magazine, 
               she starts to gasp and loses it) Oh! 
               Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't 
               even use a name, it's just initials. 
               Oh please please please change your 
               name to O.J.! Please, it would be so 
               great!
 
               
                             JOEL
               Elaine! What is going on?

               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               (Jerry and George at a booth)

               
                             GEORGE
               She stayed over?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. (disappointed)

               
                             GEORGE
               The sex wasn't so good?

               
                             JERRY
               No. The sex was fabulous.

               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               I want the massage!

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you ask her?

               
                             JERRY
               I tried putting her hands there (on 
               his neck) but she pulls it away immediately, 
               she's not into it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very 
               frustrating.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So we had a good time... the four of 
               us.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               We all got along. Everyone seemed very 
               pleasant.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               What did Jodi say?

               
                             JERRY
               She had a good time.

               
                             GEORGE
               Is that it?

               
                             JERRY
               Pretty much.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did she say anything about, uh...

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nah. It's all right. Great! She had 
               a good time.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip 
               of coffee)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You just hesitated.

               
                             JERRY
               I was blowing on the coffee.

               
                             GEORGE
               She didn't like me?

               
                             JERRY
               Look it's not like you're gonna be spending 
               a lot of time with her.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So she doesn't like me?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               She said that?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               She told you she doesn't like me!

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               What were her exact--

               
                             JERRY
               "I don't like him."

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Not everybody likes everybody!

               
                             GEORGE
               I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You were very nice!

               
                             GEORGE
               I bent over backwards for that woman! 
               Is it that thing I said about her sister?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It has nothing to do with her sister.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't even know her sister but believe 
               me, if she's getting traffic tickets, 
               she's not that good-looking!
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (hall in Jerry's building)

               
               (George and Jerry are coming back from Monk's)

               
                             GEORGE
               You vomited in 1987.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh no. That was the dry heaves.

               
               (Jodi is in front of Jerry's door)

               
                             JERRY
               Jodi.

               
                             JODI
               Hey, Jerry.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like: 
               it's so great to be all here)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing here?

               
                             JODI
               I was giving Kramer a massage.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and 
               jealous)
 
               
                             JODI
               I got to run. I have an appointment 
               downtown.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Here. Let me take your tabe downstairs 
               for you.
 
               
                             JODI
               No that's O.K.

               
                             GEORGE
               Please give it to me. I love to help 
               people. This is what I do. Come on. 
               I'm going this way. (he takes the table 
               from Jodi's hands and she has no choice 
               but to follow him)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'll see you tonight. (he's opening 
               his door apartment as Kramer comes out 
               of his in a bathrobe)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! I am looser than creamed corn!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Who told you to get a massage from her. 
               I haven't gotten a massage from her 
               yet!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You don't know what you're missing buddy.
 
               
               
               (they enter Jerry's apartment)

               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (street in front of Jerry's building)

               
               (George and Jodi)

               
                             GEORGE
               No one hails a cab like me. My hailing 
               technique is unmatched. I get the wrist 
               going from side to side and boom! Cabs 
               are crashing into themselves to just 
               pick me up. (a cab stops) All right, 
               here we go. Let me get door. Feminists 
               aside, I know women like the door holding. 
               Here we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's 
               get together again real soon and say 
               hello to your sister for me.
 
               
                             JODI
               You've never met. (the cab starts and 
               George is following to keep talking 
               to Jodi)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Whatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved 
               right now, I wouldn't mind being set 
               up. Something tells me she's a knockout. 
               (we see, from the camera inside the 
               cab, George's hand waving as the cab 
               drives away)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Kramer is lying on the couch as Jerry is cutting a block of 
               cheese on the kitchen counter)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Kramer is talking much more slowly 
               and smoother than usual) First she sets 
               the mood perfectly with this new age 
               music played over ocean sounds. Then 
               she lays you out on this table, and 
               she proceeds to rub oil over your entire 
               body. And she rubs long... and deep... 
               Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is 
               obviously cutting much harder than the 
               cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) 
               Every muscles she touches just... (long 
               pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, 
               soft fingers, you can scarcely contain 
               yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the 
               knife and goes to the couch)
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you had a good time.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh... yeah...

               
                             JERRY
               Enjoyed yourself.

               
                             KRAMER
               Very... much...

               
                             JERRY
               All right now you listen and you listen 
               good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws 
               him down the couch)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What! (Kramer is back to his usual way 
               of speaking)
 
               
                             JERRY
               The massages are out!

               
                             KRAMER
               Wha--

               
                             JERRY
               Ahh!!! They're out!

               
                             KRAMER
               Why?!

               
                             JERRY
               Because if I can't get one, you're not 
               getting one.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need 
               my massages! Can't you see I'm burned 
               out!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to 
               the kitchen)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry 
               stops walking)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't you ever talk about her like that!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               But why?

               
                             JERRY
               That's final!!!

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah!!! Yahh!!!

               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (Giants Stadium)

               
               (Elaine and Joel)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you have photos in your wallet?
 
               
               
                             JOEL
               Yeah. Why? Is that weird?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, it's normal. You're very normal. 
               You're totally normal. Who's this?
 
               
               
                             JOEL
               That's my mother.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah. I see the resemblance.

               
                             JOEL
               No, there's no resemblance.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, there is, right here you see--
 
               
               
                             JOEL
               Elaine, I was adopted.

               
                             ELAINE
               (pause) Oh. That's nice.

               
                             JOEL
               The game's about to start. I wonder 
               where your friend Kramer is.
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (ticket counter)

               
                             KRAMER
               (to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket 
               for Kramer.
 
               
                             TICKET MAN
               Here it is. I need some I.D.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know, 
               I forgot my wallet.
 
               
                             TICKET MAN
               Well, I can't give it to you then.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Are you kidding me?

               
                             TICKET MAN
               I'm afraid not.

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm 
               not Kramer.
 
               
                             TICKET MAN
               I'm sorry. I need proof.

               
                             KRAMER
               Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and 
               I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to 
               do all day.
 
               
                             TICKET MAN
               Neither do I. But without I.D., I need 
               confirmation from the person who left 
               the ticket.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Where is a phone?

               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (back to Elaine and Joel watching the game)

               
                             ANNOUNCER
               Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your 
               attention, please? Would Joel Rifkin 
               report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone. 
               (the crowd stops cheering and we see 
               a football player distracted from the 
               game while hearing the announcer saying 
               Joel Rifkin)
 
               
                             JOEL
               Who would be calling me here? (he stands 
               up and look around)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (to the person in front of her) He's 
               not the murderer.
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Kramer enters, moaning)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, God.

               
                             JERRY
               What's the matter with you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, I need another massage!

               
                             JERRY
               You just had one yesterday. What do 
               you need another one for?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Because of the Giant game! I told you, 
               It went overtime! You know what those 
               seats are like. They're very unforgiving.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh please.

               
                             KRAMER
               And then the game-winning field goal 
               went over the net and into the crowd 
               and I dove over three rows! My back, 
               it's killing me! It's killing me Jerry!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, did you get the ball?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh I got the ball.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I never even caught a foul ball 
               at a baseball game.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, It's quite a thrill.

               
                             JERRY
               Why don't you get somebody else?

               
                             KRAMER
               Because nobody does it like she does. 
               She's the best.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, that's it! Tonight's the night. 
               I'm getting one. No "if and's or but's".
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What about my massage?

               
                             JERRY
               Ask Newman.

               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               (George and Karen at a booth)

               
                             GEORGE
               So I lugged that table. That big heavy 
               massage table all the way down to the 
               cab! You ever seen one of those things?
 
               
               
                             KAREN
               Of course.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. 
               You know, not everybody's seen a massage 
               table.
 
               
                             KAREN
               What, do you think I've never had a 
               massage before?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway, I don't even get a thank you. 
               I don't get it!
 
               
                             KAREN
               George, frankly, I'm getting a little 
               tired of hearing about her.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I wanna know what I did to this woman.
 
               
               
                             KAREN
               What, you got a little thing for her?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, No! She's going out with a friend 
               of mine. It's only courteous that we 
               should try and like each other.
 
               
                             KAREN
               What difference does it make? Who cares 
               if she doesn't like you? Does everybody 
               in the world have to like you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. 
               I must be liked!
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (Elaine's apartment)

               
               (Elaine and Joel sitting on the couch)

               
                             ELAINE
               Of course I support your decision to 
               change your name.
 
               
                             JOEL
               After the Giant game I realized that 
               this--this problem isn't going away.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, listen, I just want you to know 
               that I was more than willing to stick 
               it out with Joel Rifkin.
 
               
                             JOEL
               Sure?

               
                             ELAINE
               (she fakes a strangling) RRR...

               
                             JOEL
               O.K. you got your list?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Yeah. 10 names.

               
                             JOEL
               Right.

               
                             ELAINE
               O.K. And if somebody objects, you can 
               just veto it.
 
               
                             JOEL
               O.K.

               
                             ELAINE
               O.K. You start. What's your first choice?
 
               
               
                             JOEL
               Stuart.

               
                             ELAINE
               (right away) No. Second choice.

               
                             JOEL
               Stu--Stuart's no good?

               
                             ELAINE
               I've never met a normal guy named Stuart.
 
               
               
                             JOEL
               O-O.K. My second choice is... Todd.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd. 
               (pause) No. Veto.
 
               
                             JOEL
               All right. Oh, Hey, I think you're gonna 
               like my first my third choice.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Great...

               
                             JOEL
               Alex.

               
                             ELAINE
               I gotta tell you, I have a bad association 
               with the name Alex.
 
               
                             JOEL
               Bad bad association?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex 
               in art history. And he was always drinking 
               coffee and after every sip he would 
               go: "Ahh!". I mean every two seconds: 
               "Ahh!". And he would take like 40 sips 
               and after everyone: "Ahh!". I had to 
               drop the class.
 
               
               (scnen ends)

               
               
               (Jerry's place)

               
               (Jerry is opening the door for Jodi. She has her massage table. 
               New age music is playing, and the lights are shaded)
 
               
                             JODI
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             JODI
               Hi. (kissing) I was running late and 
               I didn't have a chance to drop off my 
               stuff before I came over.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, no problem. That's fine.

               
                             JODI
               What's with this music?

               
                             JERRY
               That's new age music. Sounds of the 
               forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look 
               at this! What do you know? A massage 
               table! This is great! (he starts to 
               install the table)
 
               
                             JODI
               What are you doing?

               
                             JERRY
               Just checking it out. Look at how this 
               thing is made. Can I tell you something? 
               That's a hell of a piece of equipment.
 
               
               
                             JODI
               Actually, I should get a new one.

               
                             JERRY
               Nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits 
               on the table)
 
               
                             JODI
               So, where do you wanna go? (as she puts 
               her hand on his shoulder)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his 
               hand over hers. She starts to massage 
               his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels 
               good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good. 
               (he tries to go further. He grabs her 
               hands over his shoulders and he lies 
               down on the table on his chest) Yeah, 
               that's nice. That's very nice.
 
               
                             JODI
               (she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't 
               good. I can't do this.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands 
               and force her to keep them on his shoulders)
 
               
               
                             JODI
               I can't (she tries harder to pull her 
               hands away)
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. Yes you can. (he hangs on)

               
                             JODI
               No, I can't!

               
                             JERRY
               Come on! I know it's something you wanna 
               do! (she pulls harder and he falls right 
               off the table)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (Karen's place)

               
               (George and Karen are making out on the couch)

               
                             GEORGE
               You know what? I should really go talk 
               to her. Nothing confrontational. Just 
               two adults sitting down trying to clear 
               the air. I just know if I could spend 
               some time alone with her. I've got to. 
               (he grabs his jacket) I've got to.
 
               
               
                             KAREN
               You're going now?

               
                             GEORGE
               I think I can still catch her.

               
                             KAREN
               All right George. I have had just about 
               enough of this.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What? What are you talking about.

               
                             KAREN
               I am talking about you and Jodi. You're 
               completely obsessed with her!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know. I know.

               
                             KAREN
               Who is more important to you, her or 
               me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are 
               you gonna pick?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (he thinks a little about it... and 
               as he puts his hand on his knee and 
               gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care 
               for you, but I just can't stand when 
               someone doesn't like me. (he opens the 
               door)
 
               
                             KAREN
               Well, now *I* hate you!

               
                             GEORGE
               That I'm used to. (he leaves)

               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (back to Elaine's place)

               
                             JOEL
               Ned?

               
                             ELAINE
               What is wrong with Ned?

               
                             JOEL
               Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear. 
               Next!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ellis.

               
                             JOEL
               Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex. 
               It's the same thing!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ellis and Alex aren't even close.

               
                             JOEL
               NEXT!

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohh, what is the point?

               
                             JOEL
               NO, NO. COME ON!

               
                             ELAINE
               O.K. O.K. Remy.

               
                             JOEL
               Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking 
               like a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes 
               to go shopping with his mother.
 
               
                             JOEL
               Grrrr!

               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               (back to Jerry's)

               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean, no?

               
                             JODI
               No means no.

               
                             JERRY
               Look, who are you kidding? You come 
               up to my apartment with your table and 
               your little oils, and I'm not supposed 
               to expect anything? You're a massage 
               teaser.
 
               
                             JODI
               Listen. I massage who I want, when I 
               want. I don't submit to forcible massage. 
               (he tries desperately to get her hands 
               on his shoulders again but she pulls 
               them away immediately) I'm getting out 
               of here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Fine. Go.

               
               (George enters. He's staring at Jodi)

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, could you excuse us for a few 
               minutes, please?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What for?

               
                             GEORGE
               We need to talk.

               
                             JERRY
               *You* need to talk?

               
                             JODI
               We have nothing to talk about.

               
                             GEORGE
               Look it's no secret what's going on 
               between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like 
               me. Now Jerry if you don't mind.
 
               
                             JERRY
               George, anything you have to say to 
               her, you can say in front of me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and 
               turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman 
               hates me so much. I'm starting to like 
               her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               She just dislikes me so much... It's 
               irresistable.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can see that.

               
                             JODI
               I'm getting out of here. (to Jerry) 
               Don't call me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't worry. (she leaves)

               
                             GEORGE
               A woman that hates me this much comes 
               along once in a lifetime.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're a lucky guy.

               
                             GEORGE
               I got to go after her.

               
                             JERRY
               George. I wouldn't push for the massage. 
               (George nods)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               JODI! (he starts running after her)
 
               
               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Masseuse



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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