THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW
Written by
Bruce Eric Kaplan
(Jerry and Kramer in an alley)
JERRY
Why were you making gravel?
KRAMER
Well ... I like the sound it makes when
you walk on it.
Hey, those look familiar.
JERRY
Of course. It's garbage.
KRAMER
No, no, no, no. These brown things.
The chairs. Jerry, this is the set from
the old Merv Griffin
Show! They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the
Smithsonian!
JERRY
Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind
the Smithsonian.
KRAMER
Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot
Gold is sitting on you and the next
thing -
you're yesterday's trash.
JERRY
Come on, Kramer, get out of there.
KRAMER
No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not
finished taking this in.
Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.
JERRY
(moans)
(In George's car)
GEORGE
You know I uh, spilled a yohgurt smoothie
in here two days ago. Can't smell anything,
can
y'a?
MIRANDA
Banana?
GEORGE
Right.
MIRANDA
George watch out for those pigeons.
GEORGE
Oh they'll get out of the way. You really
smell banana?
(George hits the pigeons.)
MIRANDA
Oh my God. Oh.
GEORGE
So uh where are we eating?
(Celia's apartment)
JERRY
And it was his idea to put a sprig of
parsley on the plate.
CELIA
You're making this up. There was never
a Joseph Garnish.
JERRY
Wow!
CELIA
Oh yeah the toys.
JERRY
Where did you get all these?
CELIA
My dad was a collector. I inherited
them after he died from a long and painful
bout ...
JERRY
Super bowl! Hey, an original G. I. Joe.
With a full frogman suit.
CELIA
Jerry, what are you doing?
JERRY
I'm putting this on him and we're going
to the sink.
CELIA
No Jerry. They're priceless. They've
never been played with.
JERRY
I just want to touch them a little.
CELIA
I said no. Now come here.
(Peterman's)
LOU
Hi I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.
ELAINE
Hey Walter what is the deal with that
guy?
WALTER
Oh he's Lou Filerman. He's new here.
Hey your coffee stain looks like Fidel
Castro.
ELAINE
You've been an enormous help.
(Monk's)
JERRY
You ran over some pigeons? How many?
GEORGE
What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm
a butcher but it's not my fault is it?
Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
JERRY
Of course. We have a deal. They get
out of the way of our cars, we look
the other way on the statue defecation.
GEORGE
Right! And these pigeons broke the deal.
I will not accept the blame for this.
JERRY
So Maranda's cooled on y'a?
GEORGE
I'm getting nothing.
JERRY
Yeah, me neither.
GEORGE
Really? I thought you and Celia were
sleeping together?
JERRY
Oh, the sex is wild but she's got this
incredible toy collection and she won't
let me near it!
(Elaine enters)
GEORGE
I don't understand women.
JERRY
Here comes one.
ELAINE
Hey. What's going on?
GEORGE
Hey (sees coffee marks) Art Garfunkle?
ELAINE
No, Castro.
GEORGE
Right.
ELAINE
All because of this creepy new guy at
work. He just - he just comes out of
nowhere and he's right
next to you!
JERRY
So he just sidles up?
ELAINE
That's right! He's a real sidler.
JERRY
Maybe you didn't see him.
ELAINE
You never see him. He sidled me again
in my office. I was sitting there making
a cup of soup
singing that song from "The Lion King".
JERRY
Hakuna Matata?
ELAINE
I thought I was alone.
JERRY
That doesn't make it right.
(Outside Jerry's apartment door)
JERRY
See, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not
nearly as embarrassing as the cup of
soup ...
ELAINE
Would you just let it go?
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
JERRY
Oh my God!
KRAMER
It's the Merv Griffin set
JERRY
How did you get this in here?
KRAMER
Oh, you just bring it in sideways and
hook it.
JERRY
So where are you gonna sleep?
KRAMER
Yeah ... backstage.
ELAINE
Phew! This chair smells like garbage.
KRAMER
Oh, well a lot of the stars from the
70's - they were not as hygienic as
they appeared on TV
yeah, you can take Mannix for example.
(phone rings)
JERRY
I'm gonna get that.
KRAMER
All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to
have you back anytime( Jerry exits)
Well, Elaine Benes!
Well, it's great to have you! (Elaine suts down) Why, is it possible
that you are even more
beautiful than the last time I saw you?
ELAINE
(giggles)
( Central Park)
(George runs at pigeons. They don't move for him)
GEORGE
We had a deal!
( Peterman's Office)
ELAINE
Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that
you wanted.
PETERMAN
One moment. I'm reading the most fascinating
article on the most fascinating people
of the
year. Annnnnd done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly.
It must have been an
awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two.
ELAINE
What?
(Lou Filerman is standing behind her)
( Kramer's Apartment)
JERRY
So three dates and she still won't let
me play with her toys.
KRAMER
That's interesting. You know someone
mentioned to me you were not very happy
with your toys growing up.
JERRY
Yeah, that was me.
KRAMER
Oh, that's right, right, right. And
uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't
get a G.I. Joe. You had.
JERRY
An Army Pete.
KRAMER
Right.
JERRY
He was made of wood and in the rain
he would swell up and then split.
KRAMER
And we all know how painful that can
be.
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Jerry
KRAMER
Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite
a thrill, yes. Come on sit down. Yes.
ELAINE
Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy
is really chapping my hide.
KRAMER
Excuse me yeah. We're talking ... this
way.
ELAINE
Well, he's getting credit for work I
did! He's gonna sidle me right out of
a job.
KRAMER
Now, for those of us who don't know,
uh, sidling is what?
ELAINE
Kramer, what is wrong with you?
KRAMER
What do you mean?
ELAINE
Well, for starters, you're looking at
note cards (to Jerry) I'm gonna have
to give that guy a taste
of his own medicine, so, I'm going to sidle the sidler.
JERRY
You, sidle? You ... you stomp around
like a Clydesdale!
ELAINE
Not with these honeys. ... Wrestling
shoes!
KRAMER
Only in New York. ... ha ha
GEORGE
Jerry?
(George enters)
KRAMER
Oh! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's
our good friend, George Costanza! What
a surprise!
Yeah, sit, sit, sit.. Weeell!
GEORGE
Well, it happened again.
JERRY
What happened?
KRAMER
tut tut , I'll ask the questions. What
happened?
GEORGE
Well, I just stomped some pigeons in
the park. They - they didn't move.
KRAMER
All right, let's change the subject.
Now, uh you and Jerry dated for a while.
Tell us ... what
was that like? That was the wrong card.
GEORGE
I I don't get these birds! They're breaking
the deal. It's like the pigeons decided
to ignore me!
JERRY
So they're like everyone else.
KRAMER
(laughs too loudly) All right, let's
take a short break. .... Okay! We're
back!
(George's Car)
GEORGE
Boy that bank clock is eight minutes
off.
MIRANDA
Then why don't you just run IT over
too?
GEORGE
Zing.
MIRANDA
George, what are you doing?
GEORGE
Did you see that? That-that pigeon didn't
move! I had to swerve to get out of
the way! I saved
that pigeons life!
MIRANDA
What pigeon? You drove right onto that
squirrel. (leaves the car)
GEORGE
Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with
THEM!
( Celia's Apartment)
(Jerry tries to play with the toys)
CELIA
Jerry! Those hands! They never stop!
JERRY
I'm sorry. You got any booze? Let's
say you and I get ripped!
CELIA
No thanks. I have a headache. Can you
just get me an aspirin?
JERRY
All right. (Jerry checking in the medicine
cabinet for bottles that say "cause
drowsiness")
( Peterman's office)
LOU
Here's the new copy you wanted.
PETERMAN
Ah, yes. Well this certainly looks like
a lot of words. In record time. I'm
very impressed ...
with both of you.
ELAINE
(quietly standing behind Lou) Thank
you. ha ha
PETERMAN
Unfortunately, I am also disgusted.
This is incoherent dribble! This is
a total redo and I'm
assuming I need it right away.
ELAINE
Well, I guess we'll just (Lou has left)
Hey, just gimme that.
( Celia's apartment)
JERRY
(playing with the toys while Celia is
sleeping) Mission accomplished! Back
to base, Joe.
(Veterinarian's office)
MIRANDA
Doctor, is the squirrel going to live?
DOCTOR
There's been massive trauma. We could
of course try to save him but it would
be costly,
difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really
tiny instruments.
GEORGE
Well, uh, are there any other options?
DOCTOR
We could put him to sleep.
GEORGE
What might that cost?
DOCTOR
Well, it's by the pound. So ... about
80 cents.
GEORGE
Well? (Miranda hits George) I was just
- I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. we'd
like you to do
everything possible.
DOCTOR
He, um. he's not going to be the same,
you know?
GEORGE
yeah. yeah. I know.
( Kramer's apartment)
GEORGE
So they're flying the tiny instruments
in from El Paso.
KRAMER
El Paso? I spent a month there one night.
NEWMAN
(laughs)El Paso!
JERRY
What's he here for?
KRAMER
To take some of the pressure off of
me. So, Jerry, what's going on with
you? I understand
there's a young lady in your life. mmm
JERRY
Well, actually, it's kind of a funny
story because she has this amazing toy
collection and last night
I finally got to play with them.
KRAMER
Well. It sounds like things are progressing.
Do I hear wedding bells?
NEWMAN
Are you married right now?
JERRY
Actually she doesn't even know about
the toys. I gave her the wrong kind
of medicine and
I guess she passed out!
KRAMER
What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
JERRY
She's even got that old Matel football
game that we love!
GEORGE
Oh, come on! You gotta get me over there!
KRAMER
Wait a minute, wait a minute! You mean
to say that you drugged a woman so you
could take
advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. Jerry, now, what
you do with your personal
life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean
it up, mister!
NEWMAN
I told you he was a risk.
JERRY
Oh, like he's not just carrying you!
And has been for years!
NEWMAN
Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk
worse than these chairs!
KRAMER
Smile, everyone! We're back!
( Elaine's office)
LOU
You wanted to see me, Elaine?
ELAINE
Yes, Lou. you've got a lot going for
you. You're, ... um ... you're spontaneous.
You're
symmetrical. You're, uh, ... you're very quick, aren't y'a?.
It's just that your...
LOU
My dead tooth?
ELAINE
No. Your. (breathes)
LOU
My breath?
ELAINE
Eechh.
LOU
What can I do?
ELAINE
Well, you should never ever go anywhere
without these. (Tic Tacs)
LOU
Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super
lady! (he clicks ans clicks now when
he walks)
( Celia's apartment)
GEORGE
More wine and turkey? (Pours Celia more
wine)
JERRY
So when I saw George on the street with
an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of
wine, I thought:
... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.
CELIA
What is that stuff in turkey that makes
you sleepy?
JERRY AND GEORGE
Triptaphen.
JERRY
... I think. Have some more wine.
CELIA
What video did you get?
JERRY
Oh, George brought home movies of his
boyhood trip to Michigan.
GEORGE
Four hours.
JERRY
More heavy gravy?
(Celia is sleeping )
GEORGE
(playing with toys) Yes! Touch down!
Your turn, Jerry.
( Kramer's apartment)
NEWMAN
Lately, though, I've been, uh, - I've
been buying the generic brand of waxed
beans. you know.
I rip of the label. I can hardly tell the difference.
KRAMER
Well, we've officially bottomed out.
Who's our next guest?
NEWMAN
We've got no one!
KRAMER
We need a new foreman. We should shut
down and re-tool.
(pulls the plug and the show goes dark)
NEWMAN
What about a guest-host?
KRAMER
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
( Veterinarian's office)
MIRANDA
Doctor, how's the squirrel?
GEORGE
Is he dead?
DOCTOR
No. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments
arrived just in time. Would you like
to visit him?
MIRANDA
Yes he would.
DOCTOR
You have 30 minutes. (exits)
GOERGE
So ... uh, squirrel.
(Doctor enters)
DOCTOR
One more thing Mister Costanza, we just
need to know what time you'll be picking
him up
tomorrow.
GEORGE
What's that?
DOCTOR
Oh, we're discharging the squirrel.
We think he'll be better off at home.
GEORGE
He has no home. He's a squirrel.
DOCTOR
Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make
sure he gets his medicine six times
a day and keep his
tail elevated. (exits)
(Monk's)
JERRY
Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.
GEORGE
It's not a pet! It's a wild invalid!
And it knows that I tried to kill it.
As soon as it gets better, it's
gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Jerry, what are you doin' tomorrow?
I want you to come by the set.
JERRY
What about my "questionable material"?
KRAMER
Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy,
youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!
JERRY
Jim Fowler? The animal guy from "Wild
Kingdom" is coming to your apartment?
KRAMER
Well, I practically raised his kids.
GEORGE
That's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's
care of animals. Can I bring the squirrel
by?
KRAMER
What? Two animal acts on the same show?
What is this, amateur hour? Look, George,
I'm
sorry, but maybe another time, all right? (exits)
GEORGE
I gotta get to Fowler. I know that he
would take this squirrel off my hands.
It's practically
bionic!
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Hey! ha ha Nice sidle, huh? Speaking
of which I think I got that problem
solved.
JERRY
Tic-Tacs worked?
ELAINE
He's a human maraca.
GEORGE
Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from
that football game.
ELAINE
You took him over to Celia's?
JERRY
What? It's a victimless crime.
ELAINE
What about the woman who's been drugged
and taken advantage of?
JERRY
Okay, one victim.
ELAINE
I think it's unconscionable.
GEORGE
Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble
Village right behind the EZ Bake oven.
ELAINE
EZ Bake oven?
(Celia's apartment)
ELAINE
Who wants cupcake?
GEORGE
Oh, me, me, me, me, me!
JERRY
You know, that batter is, like, 30 years
old.
FRANK
(on TV) You step on it and it flushes.
ELAINE
Why is your father giving a tour of
a rest stop?
ESTELLE
(on TV) Stop squirming.
GEORGE
Oh, don't look. This is the part where
they change me.
JERRY
You're like eight years old.
ESTELLE
(on TV) Georgie.
GEORGE
I was seven and a half.
( Elaine's office)
PETERMAN
That noise. that's the noise.
ELAINE
What?
PETERMAN
That inferno rattling sound that has
plagued me these past two days - and
I could not find the
source. In my office, in the hallway. even in the men's room!
Shame on you, Elaine!
ELAINE
No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
PETERMAN
That reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo
rattle torture! You haven't gone over
to their side
have you?
ELAINE
No Mister Peterman.
PETERMAN
Because, if I hear one more rattle -
just one - your out on your can And
if you are undead -
I'll find out about that too. (Exits)
(Coffee room)
ELAINE
Lou! In here! We have to talk.
LOU
Oh, right.
ELAINE
(Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou) No,
stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop
using these.
LOU
Why?
ELAINE
Because they're turning your teeth green?
LOU
I only buy the white ones.
ELAINE
Okay ... well then your teeth are green
for a different reason. Just stop carrying
these, okay?
Just ... just mouth wash.
LOU
I can't. It burns my cankers.
ELAINE
Binacca?
LOU
Again.
ELAINE
Right, right, cankers. Um, I got it!
Chew gum!
LOU
I hate gum. The only guy I ever liked
came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine.
They stopped
making that about 20 years ago.
ELAINE
Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.
( Kramer's apartment)
KRAMER
Okay. a little later, we're gonna be
talking with animal expert Jim Fowler.
FOWLER
Where are the cameras?
KRAMER
But first, we're talking with Jerry.
Okay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman
in order to play with
her toy collection. How do you feel about that?
JERRY
It was great! I've done it a few more
time since then.
KRAMER
And she doesn't know anything about
this?
JERRY
No, not a thing.
NEWMAN
laughs
KRAMER
Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise
for you! Come on out, Celia!
CELIA
What kind of a sick twisted creep are
you?
NEWMAN AND KRAMER
Woah.
JERRY
What is this? What is she doing here?
KRAMER
It's the new format. Scandals and Animals.
Go with it.
CELIA
If you think you can drug me and play
with my toys, you got another thing
coming, buddy!
NEWMAN
Go girl!
JERRY
Well, what kind of woman drinks a whole
box of wine?
NEWMAN AND KRAMER
Ohhh!
(George enters with the squirrel)
GEORGE
Mister Fowler, I have a squirrel here
that is a miracle of modern science!
KRAMER
George I told you we're booked!
FOWLER
Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get
along together.
KRAMER
Ohhh. another interesting confrontation.
This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring
him over.
FOWLER
No, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!
KRAMER
Are we getting this?
(Monk's)
JERRY
So the whole set was destroyed?
KRAMER
Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and
the hawk kept clawing.
GEORGE
Well, at least we know the prosthetic
squirrel hips work ... sorry about the
set.
KRAMER
I tell y'a it was a grind trying to
fill 10 hours a week. I'm not sure I
was ready to have my own
talk show set.
MIRANDA
I got the nut bread, George. Let's go.
(exits)
JERRY
So the squirrel's gonna make it?
GEORGE
Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on
the couch.
JERRY
Sleeping on the couch? So you're...
GEORGE
Still getting nothing! So go ahead pigeons.
Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now
and the last
think I heard ... we have NO DEAL!
( Celia's )
CELIA
I'm glad you called, Elaine. I really
needed to talk to someone.
ELAINE
Oh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know
what a monster he can be. More wine
and turkey?
CELIA
Who's he? (Lou)
ELAINE
Oh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let
me top that off for y'a.
THE END
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