The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE MILLENNIUM



                             Written by

                        Jennifer Crittenden




 
               
               
               (Putumayo)

               
               Inside a store full of ethnic merchandise. Elaine is examining 
               some sort of
 
               footwear, while behind the counter Gladys is on the phone.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, excuse me.

               
                             GLADYS
               Be with you in a minute. (turns her 
               back to Elaine and continues into
 
               
               phone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uhm, I just have a question.

               
                             GLADYS
               (into phone) I know, the margaritas 
               in that place are so strong.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (walks up to counter) Helloo? I'd like 
               to buy these hirachis.
 
               
                             GLADYS
               (into phone) So? What else is goin' 
               on?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (shouts) HEY!!

               
                             GLADYS
               Listen, I'll call you back. (to Elaine) 
               Yes? What can I do for you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (tosses the hirachis onto the counter) 
               Nothing. You, just lost a
 
               customer.

               
               Elaine stalks to the door, but ruins her exit by trying to push 
               open a door she
 
               should pull.

               
               (Valerie's Apartment)

               
               Jerry, pulling on his jacket, and Valerie preparing to leave.
 
               
               
                             VALERIE
               Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the 
               previews.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Me neither. I love the previews. In 
               fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut
 
               
               up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'.
 
               
               
                             VALERIE
               I think that I was in that theatre. 
               That, that was really funny.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just 
               check my messages before we go.
 
               
               Valerie heads toward the door. Jerry sits by the phone, lifts 
               the receiver and
 
               prepares to dial. As he does so, he notices button '07' on the 
               speed-dial is
 
               marked 'JERRY'. He looks surprised and pleased together.

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry and George stood talking.

               
                             GEORGE
               So you're on the speed dial?

               
                             JERRY
               After two dates!

               
                             GEORGE
               What number?

               
                             JERRY
               Seven.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wha! You know, it's a pain to change 
               that. You gotta lift up that
 
               plastic thing with a pen.

               
               The door opens and Kramer enters. He's carrying a couple of folding 
               chairs in
 
               each hand.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, hey buddy.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
               Kramer carries the chairs across the room.

               
                             KRAMER
               It all right if I keep these here for 
               a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve
 
               
               party.

               
                             JERRY
               You're gonna keep these here for eight 
               months?!
 
               
               Kramer props the chairs up against a wall.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine. 
               The millennium. I told
 
               you about that.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs 
               here for two and a half years?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You're not gonna see 'em. I got a case 
               of party poppers I'm gonna keep
 
               in front of 'em.

               
               Kramer exits. George has taken one of the chairs, unfolded it, 
               and is sat with
 
               his feet up on the back of the couch, hands behind his head.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, so get this. I get a call this 
               morning from one of the Mets front
 
               
               office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch.

               
                             JERRY
               What for?

               
                             GEORGE
               (smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, 
               Jerry. They probably wanna pick my
 
               
               brains.

               
                             JERRY
               Really, why d'you think they're taking 
               you out to lunch?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (thoughtful) I have no idea.

               
               Elaine enters, throws her bag on the table. She's in a bad mood.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, I have had it with those Mayans.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't mind the Mayans.

               
               Elaine gets another of the folding chairs.

               
                             ELAINE
               (unfolding chair) You know that store, 
               Putumayo? (sits) I was trying to
 
               buy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely 
               ignored me.
 
               
               Kramer enters carrying more chairs.

               
                             KRAMER
               What, we talking hirachis? I know a 
               great store for hirachis.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, not Putumayo.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no. Cinqo de Mayo. (leaving) Yeah, 
               Marcellino, he turned me on to
 
               it, and he's one sixty-fourth Mayan.

               
                             GEORGE
               (slightly worried) You know, I'm starting 
               to get a little nervous about
 
               this lunch.

               
                             ELAINE
               What'd you have?

               
               Kramer enters again. This time he has a large bunch of multi-coloured 
               balloons
 
               on ribbons. He ties the bunch to Elaine's chair.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too, 
               huh? They'll be alright. (begins to
 
               
               leave)

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna 
               stay filled till New Year's!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (at the door) Well, those aren't for 
               New Year's. Those are my everyday
 
               
               balloons.

               
               (Monk's)

               
               George sits in a booth. Opposite him are two guys from the Mets.
 
               
               
                             MINKLER
               George, we'll be blunt. The Mets need 
               somebody to head up scouting, and
 
               
               we think that someone might be you.

               
                             GEORGE
               (surprise) Head of scouting?

               
                             MOONEY
               Interested?

               
                             GEORGE
               (playing it cool) I'm still here.

               
                             MINKLER
               Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent 
               us from making you an offer
 
               while you're still under contract.

               
                             MOONEY
               You understand what we're talking about?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So you're talking...

               
                             MINKLER
               No, no.

               
                             MOONEY
               We're *not* talking. We're just, talking.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So, you need me to get fired.

               
                             MINKLER
               We didn't say that.

               
                             MOONEY
               We couldn't say that, because even if 
               we did...
 
               
                             MINKLER
               ...we couldn't say that we said it.
 
               
               
                             MOONEY
               You see what we're saying?

               
                             GEORGE
               (jokingly) You are still paying for 
               this lunch?
 
               
                             MINKLER
               (serious) We didn't say that.

               
               (Valerie's Apartment)

               
               Valerie is sitting by her phone, having just finished some adjustment. 
               Jerry
 
               arrives, obviously a little rushed.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta 
               chairs and balloons in my apartment.
 
               
               How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner?

               
                             VALERIE
               (pointedly) Someplace nice this time?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian 
               barbecue last night. I'd heard good
 
               
               things.

               
                             VALERIE
               (rising) I don't know, got a two in 
               Zagat's.
 
               
               Valerie rises and leaves the room. As she goes, Jerry sits beside 
               the phone.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Lemme just check my messages. (to himself) 
               Maybe a nicer girl called.
 
               
               Jerry presses the '07' button, without looking.

               
                             VOICE
               Hello?

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Who's this?

               
                             VOICE
               Jane. What number did you dial?

               
               He looks down at the speed-dial and sees button '07' now marked 
               'JANE', and his
 
               name now next to '09'.

               
                             JERRY
               Seven?

               
               (Putumayo)

               
               Gladys is behind the counter. Through the window, Elaine can 
               be seen outside.
 
               Elaine bangs on the window to get Gladys' attention.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey! See these? (raises her foot so 
               her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqo
 
               
               de Mayo! Sales commission, bye-bye-o! (waves)

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry and Kramer sit at the table. Jerry reading a newspaper, 
               Kramer with a
 
               clipboard. George is heard outside the door.

               
                             GEORGE
               (singing) Meet the Mets...

               
               George enters, looking pleased with himself.

               
                             GEORGE
               ...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet 
               the Mets.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Good meeting?

               
                             GEORGE
               There was no meeting. (gets one of the 
               folding chairs) But it was quite
 
               a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. 
               The only thing
 
               is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.

               
                             JERRY
               You can do that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course. But I really wanna leave 
               my mark this time, you know, uh. I
 
               
               wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now 
               that guy got
 
               canned!'

               
                             JERRY
               So you want to go out in a final blaze 
               of incompetence?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ehh. (nostalgic) Remember that summer 
               at Dairy Queen where I cooled my
 
               feet in the soft-serve machine?

               
                             KRAMER
               You think people will still be using 
               napkins in the year two-thousand?
 
               
               Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?

               
               Jerry and George give Kramer a long look. Then break to continue 
               their own
 
               conversation.

               
                             JERRY
               So, George...

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               (rising) I had like a so-so date with 
               Valerie, now I'm number nine on the
 
               
               speed-dial.

               
               Jerry moves to the kitchen, with George following.

               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               So? I used to be seven. I dropped two 
               spots.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What, she's ranking you?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship 
               barometer.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What is a barometer exactly?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's pronounced thermometer.

               
               Jerry gives another look to Kramer. George raises his eyes. Kramer 
               rises and
 
               comes over to the guys.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, in the year two-thousand, 
               we'll all be on speed-dial. You'll
 
               
               just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. It'll 
               be like, wup
 
               (judders and puts his hands to his temples, as if receiving a 
               call on a 'mental
 
               phone') getting a call here.

               
                             KRAMER
               (to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman. 
               (to 'mental phone') Hey, how you
 
               doing, Newman?

               
               Jerry begins mouthing 'I'm not here' and making gestures indicating 
               he doesn't
 
               want to talk to Newman.

               
                             KRAMER
               (to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk 
               to Jerry?
 
               
               Kramer leans toward Jerry, as if to allow him to use the 'mental 
               phone'. Jerry
 
               throws his arms up in exasperation.

               
               (Valerie's Apartment)

               
               Jerry has just arrived and has presented Valerie with a floral 
               bouquet.
 
               
                             VALERIE
               (pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have 
               to do that. I mean, the dinner,
 
               and the play, and the hansom cab ride.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off) 
               You forgot the gift certificate to
 
               
               Barnes and Noble.

               
                             VALERIE
               Oh.

               
                             JERRY
               (resumes) ...you know, make a good impression.
 
               
               
                             VALERIE
               I'm gonna go put these in some water.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I like the way you think.

               
               Valerie leaves to the kitchen(?). The moment she's gone, Jerry 
               rushes over to
 
               the phone. He picks it up to read the list of names on the speed-dial, 
               and finds
 
               himself promoted to the '01' button.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my God! Number one!! Seinfeld, you 
               magnificent bastard!
 
               
               (Yankees Boardroom(?))

               
               Wilhelm and some others are sitting around the big table. George 
               is sitting
 
               down. He's wearing an old-fashioned baseball jersey. On the table 
               in front of
 
               him, he places a large paper bag.

               
                             GEORGE
               Sorry I'm late, but look what I found 
               in the Yankee Hall of Pride
 
               display case.

               
                             WILHELM
               Isn't that Babe Ruth's uniform?

               
                             GEORGE
               Is it? (reaches into bag)

               
               Wilhelm looks disturbed by George's actions.

               
                             GEORGE
               Huh, strawberries, anyone? (eats a strawberry) 
               Ah, that's good. Ooh,
 
               juicy this time of year.

               
               He wipes strawberry juice from his fingers onto Babe Ruth's jersey.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Gotta get the good ones.

               
               He fetches another over-ripe strawberry from the bag, and drops 
               it onto the
 
               front of the jersey leaving a pulpy stain.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, that's bad. That's bad.

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Kramer sits at the table with his clipboard.

               
                             KRAMER
               So Jerry, my millennium party's really 
               coming together. Will people be
 
               able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand?

               
                             JERRY
               Some of us.

               
                             KRAMER
               (crumpling a piece of paper) I don't 
               wanna exclude anybody.
 
               
               Elaine enters. She is festooned with Mayan goods. All her clothes, 
               bag,
 
               earrings, everything.

               
                             JERRY
               Hola.

               
                             ELAINE
               Shove it!

               
                             JERRY
               What is all this?

               
                             ELAINE
               I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo, 
               because I was trying to show
 
               Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing 
               (demonstrates
 
               dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, no wonder we're getting so much 
               rain.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine, I'm having a millennium party, 
               so save the date.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, you know what? Newman sent me an 
               invitation already, to his party.
 
               
               
               Elaine fishes in her bag for the invite.

               
                             KRAMER
               Newman?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
               Elaine hands her invite to Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               (reads) Come celebrate the millennium, 
               with Newmanniun. Newman!
 
               
               (Jerry's Car)

               
               Jerry has stopped to pick someone up. A woman climbs into the 
               passenger side.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hi Valerie.

               
               The woman turns to face him.

               
                             JERRY
               You're not Valerie.

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               I'm her step-mother. Drive.

               
               Jerry does as he's told and sets off down the street.

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               It's taken me thirteen years to climb 
               up to the top of that
 
               speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.

               
                             JERRY
               But, I never...

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               (threatening) You just stay away from 
               that phone.
 
               
               (Steinbrenner's Office)

               
               Steinbrenner behind his desk. George crosses the floor from the 
               door.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You wanted to see me, sir?

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               I heard about what happened at the meeting 
               this morning...
 
               
               George looks quietly pleased at his imminent dismissal.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yes. I already packed up my desk, 
               sir. I can be outta here in an
 
               hour.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               ...and I have to tell you, it's exactly 
               what this organisation
 
               needed.

               
               George looks stunned as he realises he's not going to be fired.
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               We wanna look to the future, we gotta 
               tear down the past. Babe
 
               Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man, with little-girl legs. 
               And here's
 
               something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan. 
               Ah, what d'you
 
               make of that? Hey, check this out. (he stands to reveal he's 
               wearing baseball
 
               pants) Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. (a thought occurs) 
               Hey, you don't
 
               think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I 
               better take 'em
 
               off. I'm too important to this team. (removes the pants to reveal 
               his boxers)
 
               Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching.

               
               George is further discomfited by the sight of Steinbrenner in 
               his underwear.
 
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Hey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you 
               going for?
 
               
               (Valerie's Apartment)

               
               Jerry and Valerie are sitting on the couch, eating popcorn.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't 
               help but notice that I'm on your
 
               speed-dial.

               
                             VALERIE
               You deserve it.

               
                             JERRY
               But I can't help thinking that maybe 
               there's someone in your life who
 
               deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a 
               week.
 
               
                             VALERIE
               My stepmother got to you, didn't she?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What? No.

               
                             VALERIE
               Uuh, I can't believe she did this again. 
               That's it! She's off the
 
               speed-dial completely!

               
               Valerie gets up, stalks to the phone and sets about rejigging 
               her speed-dial.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yikes!

               
               (Newman's Apartment)

               
               Newman sits at the table. Kramer has arrived and is holding his 
               invitation.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I just got your invitation to 
               the Newmanniun party.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               You just got it? Damn, the mail is slow.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (getting worked up) You knew I was having 
               a millennium party, but you
 
               just had to throw yours on the same day!

               
                             NEWMAN
               I have done nothing unethical.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well you're gonna have to cancel 
               it, because I've told everybody
 
               about my party.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Cancel! (jumps to feet) Think again, 
               longshanks! I started planning this
 
               
               in nineteen seventy-eight. I put a deposit down on that revolving 
               restaurant
 
               that overlooks Times Square, and I booked Christopher Cross.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (worked up) Well, what am I gonna do? 
               I got over two hundred folding
 
               chairs, and quite a bit of ice.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (thoughtful) What kind?

               
                             KRAMER
               Cubed.

               
                             NEWMAN
               That's good stuff, and you can never 
               have too much ice. Alright, I'll
 
               tell you what I'll do. You can co-host the party with me, under 
               one condition.
 
               No Jerry. Jerry is not invited.

               
                             KRAMER
               I gotta invite Jerry. He's my buddy.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               That he may be. But he's outta my life, 
               starting in the year
 
               two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free!
 
               
               
               (Cab)

               
               Jerry and George in the back of a taxi.

               
                             JERRY
               How could they not fire you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Never thought I'd fail at failing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Aw, come on there now.

               
                             GEORGE
               (depressed) Feel like I can't do anything 
               wrong.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (hopeful) Everything?

               
                             JERRY
               Everything.

               
                             GEORGE
               You really think so?

               
                             JERRY
               Absolutely. I have no confidence in 
               you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright. I guess I just have to pick 
               myself up, dust myself off, and
 
               throw myself right back down again!

               
                             JERRY
               That's the spirit. You suck!

               
                             GEORGE
               (pleased) I know.

               
               (Cinqo De Mayo)

               
               Elaine is talking with the saleswoman.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, no no, listen to me. I work 
               in fashion. Together, we can drive
 
               
               Putumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno... 
               de Mayo.
 
               
               Gladys comes out behind the counter.

               
                             GLADYS
               Do you need some help with something?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (puzzled) You? What're you doing here?
 
               
               
                             GLADYS
               I own this store.

               
                             ELAINE
               No you don't. You own Putumayo. Unless 
               you own both stores. (laughs
 
               nervously)

               
                             GLADYS
               I'm Gladys Mayo.

               
               Realisation dawns for Elaine. She begins to leave, slowly.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, this really sticks in my craw.
 
               
               
               (Mrs Hamilton's Apartment)

               
               Jerry and Mrs Hamilton sitting on the couch. Mrs Hamilton is 
               pouring out a
 
               couple of glasses of wine.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice 
               that you and Valerie patched
 
               things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie?
 
               
               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               I'm sure she'll be along. (handing over 
               a glass) Have some wine,
 
               Jerome.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay.

               
               Mrs Hamilton leans back on the couch beside Jerry. She's sitting 
               uncomfortably
 
               close to Jerry, and as she speaks she puts an arm along the top 
               of the couch
 
               behind Jerry. (To cut it short, this scene plays pretty close 
               to the early
 
               Dustin Hoffman/Anne Bancroft scenes in The Graduate.)

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               You know Jerome, I can understand what 
               Valerie sees in you. So
 
               attractive, so strong, so comedic.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, good.

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty 
               idea.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (nervous) What?

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               Why don't I put you on my speed-dial?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't 
               sound...
 
               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               Don't be such a child, Jerome. How's 
               number three sound?
 
               
               Jerry leaps to his feet as Mrs Hamilton goes for her phone.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Valerie's not coming over, is she?
 
               
               
               Mrs Hamilton is programming her phone.

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               Seven, four...

               
                             JERRY
               No...

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               Two...

               
                             JERRY
               Stop, stop. This isn't right. What about 
               Valerie?
 
               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               I won't tell if you don't.

               
                             JERRY
               (leaving hurriedly) Wuhh...

               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Kramer is asleep, but his sleep is fitful. He tosses and turns.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry... Newman... Two-thousand...
 
               
               
               Kramer suddenly sits bolt upright.

               
                             KRAMER
               (yells) Newmanniun!!

               
               He reaches over to his bedside table and picks up a photograph. 
               It's of himself
 
               and Jerry at a previous party, looking happy together.

               
                             KRAMER
               (whimper) Jerry?

               
               Kramer clutches the photo to his chest, and flops back onto the 
               mattress.
 
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry sits on his couch, watching baseball on TV. Steve Koren 
               is commentating.
 
               
                             KOREN
               Alright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing. 
               Wait a minute! A short
 
               stocky bald man is streaking across the field.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my God, George!

               
                             KOREN
               Check that. He's not streaking. He's 
               wearing a flesh-tone
 
               body-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one 
               seems upset.
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, look, it's George.

               
                             KOREN
               Everyone loves him.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the 
               TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let
 
               you come to my New Year's party.

               
                             JERRY
               (neutral) Fine.

               
                             KRAMER
               (agitated) I mean, it's killing me! 
               Newman's got the jump on the
 
               invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone!

               
                             JERRY
               (neutral) No problem.

               
                             KRAMER
               (swung by Jerry's argument) You're right. 
               I won't do it without you. I
 
               feel so ashamed I even thought of it, huh.

               
               Elaine enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               (pleading) Elaine, you can't go to Newman's 
               Newmanniun.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (neutral) Okay.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no. You gotta spend New Year's 
               nineteen ninety-nine with me and
 
               Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               (neutral) Fine.

               
                             KRAMER
               (frustrated shout) Oh come on!!

               
                             ELAINE
               (neutral) Alright.

               
                             KRAMER
               (triumph) Yesss! Alright, so it's you, 
               it's me, and it's Jerry, huh.
 
               (claps hands) Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh. 
               I'll tell Newman I
 
               don't need him. So, I'll uh, see you two in the twenty-first 
               century.
 
               
               Kramer heads out the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               (following Kramer to the door) Okay. 
               Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute. Do
 
               
               you still have that pricing-gun?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, I need you to help me put Putumayo 
               outta business.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Can do.

               
               Kramer leaves to his apartment. Elaine begins to follow.

               
                             JERRY
               What're you doing with a pricing-gun?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               That place is about to have the sale 
               of the century. Nothing over
 
               ninety-nine cents.

               
               Elaine leaves and shuts the door.

               
                             JERRY
               (to himself) Still a rip-off.

               
               The phone rings. Jerry picks up.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
               From here on, the scene is presented in a split-screen format, 
               with Valerie and
 
               Mrs Hamilton in their respective apartments, sharing the screen 
               with Jerry as
 
               appropriate.

               
                             VALERIE
               Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house, 
               and I saw that you were on her
 
               speed-dial.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted 
               to be able to keep tabs on you.
 
               
               There is a beep on Jerry's phone as another call comes in.

               
                             JERRY
               Hold on a second.

               
               Jerry clicks the doofer to answer the other call.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               (seductive) Hi Jerome.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad 
               time. I've got Valerie on the other
 
               
               line. Just a second.

               
               Jerry clicks.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             VALERIE
               That's her on the other line, isn't 
               it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well...

               
                             VALERIE
               Tell her I don't want you on her speed-dial.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hang on.

               
               Jerry clicks.

               
                             JERRY
               She knows about the speed-dial. Mrs 
               Hamilton, you gotta get me off this
 
               
               thing.

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               I won't, until she puts me back on hers.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hang on.

               
               Jerry clicks.

               
                             JERRY
               She wants to be back on yours.

               
                             VALERIE
               Fine. But only if you're off hers.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hang on.

               
               Jerry clicks.

               
                             JERRY
               Fine, if I'm off yours.

               
                             VALERIE
               No, still me.

               
                             JERRY
               Sorry. Hang on.

               
               Jerry clicks.

               
                             JERRY
               Fine, if I'm off yours.

               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               I won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and 
               I don't trust her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward 
               for me.
 
               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               (conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide 
               you in one of the emergency
 
               buttons.

               
                             JERRY
               (hurried) Great, bye.

               
               Jerry clicks.

               
                             JERRY
               She said she'll do it.

               
                             VALERIE
               Great.

               
               There's another beep, as another call comes in.

               
                             JERRY
               Hang on.

               
               Jerry clicks.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
               (Yankee Stadium)

               
               George is at a public telephone, wearing the flesh-tone body-stocking 
               and
 
               looking thoroughly dejected.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry. I can't get fired.

               
               A passing fan spots him.

               
                             FAN
               Hey, body-suit man. 's up?

               
               He slaps palms with George, who doesn't look especially pleased 
               by the
 
               attention. The fan points out George to more fans.

               
                             FAN
               (pointing) Hey, body-suit man.

               
               The fans gather round, making positive noises. George looks resigned 
               to his
 
               minor celebrity.

               
               (Putumayo)

               
               Gladys is behind the counter. Outside the door, Elaine peers 
               in for a second
 
               before she moves back out of sight. Then, a be-suited Kramer 
               is pushed into
 
               sight. He enters the store, smoking a cigar.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy 
               American industrialist uh,
 
               looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, 
               before I invest
 
               millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. 
               Uh, Get the
 
               feel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know, 
               the real uh,
 
               gritty-gritty.

               
               He notices a bowl of chips beside the register and helps himself 
               to some.
 
               
                             GLADYS
               Well, lemme show you what we have.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well uh, I think I can just browse around 
               on my own.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (re the chips) Hmm, Macchu Picchu. Are 
               these free?
 
               
                             GLADYS
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hmm-mmm.

               
               Kramer strolls over to a rack and grabs a selection of a half-dozen 
               items. He
 
               then heads for the changing room.

               
                             GLADYS
               Some of those are women's clothes.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, not a problem.

               
               He pulls the curtain shut. The sound of a pricing gun can be 
               heard. The clicking
 
               goes on for a couple of seconds, and then the gun is dropped. 
               It lands by
 
               Kramer's feet and breaks, Kramer then exacerbates his problem 
               by kicking the gun
 
               as he tries to retrieve it.

               
               (Yankee's Parking Lot)

               
               George is driving his car in a circle in the parking lot. Trailing 
               behind the
 
               car, on a rope, is a trophy which bounces and clatters on the 
               tarmac. George is
 
               leaning out of the car window, with a megaphone.

               
                             GEORGE
               Attention Steinbrenner and front-office 
               morons! Your triumphs mean
 
               nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it, and rotate! This is 
               George Costanza.
 
               I fear no reprisal. Extension five-one-seven-oh.

               
               (Putumayo)

               
               Gladys is still behind the counter. Valerie and Mrs Hamilton 
               are browsing the
 
               racks. Elaine enters and, holding her hand up to hide her face, 
               she walks over
 
               to the changing room, pulls back the curtain and enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               L'Occupado.

               
                             ELAINE
               Come on, what is taking you so long?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I 
               had to move to plan B.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Plan B? There is no plan B.

               
                             KRAMER
               (holds up some small white sachets) 
               I took these out of every single
 
               garment in the store.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?!

               
                             KRAMER
               They're dessicates. See, they absorb 
               moisture. (gleeful) These clothes
 
               
               won't last five years without 'em.

               
                             ELAINE
               That's not gonna do anything.

               
                             KRAMER
               Patience.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright. Forget it!

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               You have screwed me again, Pennypacker!
 
               
               
               Elaine leaves, hurrying through the store with her face shielded 
               again.
 
               
                             GLADYS
               Ladies, care for some chips?

               
                             KRAMER
               (emerging from the changing room) Well, 
               I don't mind if I do.
 
               
               He takes a chip and dips it. As he loads the chip with the dip, 
               a sachet of
 
               dessicate falls from his sleeve into the dip. He doesn't notice, 
               and after
 
               consuming the chip he deposits the bundle of clothing onto the 
               counter.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I've uh, I've changed my mind. 
               I think I'm going to build a
 
               rollercoaster instead.

               
               Kramer leaves. Mrs Hamilton comes over to the counter, takes 
               a chip, dips it
 
               into the dessicate-laced dip and eats it.

               
               (Steinbrenner's Office)

               
               George stands before Steinbrenner's desk, in his shirt-sleeves, 
               nonchalantly
 
               eating something. He occasionally shrugs at Steinbrenner's remarks.
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               I heard what you did in the parking 
               lot, big boy, and it is
 
               in-excuse-a-bull. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot 
               believe that
 
               you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks 
               my heart to say
 
               it... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi...

               
               George looks expectant, as Steinbrenner reaches this point. Suddenly, 
               Mr Wilhelm
 
               enters the office.

               
                             WILHELM
               Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George 
               doesn't deserve any of the blame
 
               for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone 
               to blame
 
               here, it's me.

               
               George stares at Wilhelm in disbelief.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               What're you talking about, Wilhelm. 
               You popping pills? You got the
 
               crazies again?

               
                             WILHELM
               No, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George 
               to drive around insulting people
 
               today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games.

               
                             GEORGE
               (agitated) He's lying, sir! I'm tired 
               of all your macho head games!
 
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Macho head games?

               
                             WILHELM
               (puts arm round George's shoulder) He's 
               just being loyal to me, sir.
 
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Wilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an 
               apology, body-suit man. Streak
 
               on. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going 
               to the game
 
               today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. (heads toward 
               the door)
 
               Owner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Mr Wilhelm, what was that?!

               
                             WILHELM
               I wanted to get fired. George, you are 
               looking at the new head scout of
 
               the New York Mets.

               
               Wilhelm walks away toward the door, leaving George looking crushed.
 
               
               
                             WILHELM
               (singing) Meet the Mets, meet the Mets. 
               Come right out and greet the
 
               Mets.

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know what Elaine is so upset 
               about. I mean, without dessicates,
 
               
               those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years.

               
                             JERRY
               She never sees the big picture.

               
               There's a knock at the door. Jerry opens it to reveal Newman.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello, Newman!

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) What did you 
               say to Elaine? I just got her
 
               cancellation in the mail.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, well I guess she found some place 
               better to go.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, it's her mistake. Because she 
               is going to miss the party of a
 
               lifetime.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when 
               she's looking for someone warm
 
               and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon 
               and New York City.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Alright. Come back to my party, please.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry too, of course.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (reluctant) You don't wanna do your... 
               act, or anything, do you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Alright then, I guess I can accept a 
               little Jerry, if it gets me a
 
               (suggestive) lot of Elaine.

               
               Jerry pulls a disgusted face.

               
                             KRAMER
               Deal?

               
                             NEWMAN
               To the Newmanniun! (holds out his hand)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium.
 
               
               
               Kramer and Newman move to the door to leave. Newman stops as 
               Jerry speaks to
 
               him, and Kramer exits to his apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               By the way Newman, I'm just curious. 
               When you booked the hotel, did you
 
               
               book it for the millennium New Year?

               
                             NEWMAN
               (smug) As a matter of fact, I did.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone 
               knows, since there was no
 
               year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand 
               and one.
 
               Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame.
 
               
               
               Newman absorbs the logic of Jerry's argument. His face twitches 
               as he realises
 
               his error.

               
                             JERRY
               Aww!

               
               Newman makes a noise redolent of his frustration - a sort of 
               half-strangulated
 
               nasal squeak. He then waddles away after Kramer.

               
               (Mrs Hamilton's Apartment)

               
               Valerie and Mrs Hamilton sit on the couch. Mrs Hamilton looks 
               nauseous.
 
               
                             MRS HAMILTON
               I don't feel well at all. I feel all 
               dried-out inside.
 
               
                             VALERIE
               I'll call for help.

               
               She picks up the phone and pushes a button marked 'Poison Control'.
 
               
               
               (Mrs Hamilton's Apartment/Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             VALERIE
               Who's this?

               
                             JERRY
               It's Jerry. Who's this?

               
                             VALERIE
               Uh, it's Valerie.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi Valerie. What's up?

               
                             VALERIE
               I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother 
               is violently ill, so I hit the
 
               button for poison control and I get you!

               
                             JERRY
               Wow, poison control? That's even higher 
               than number one!
 
               
               Valerie hangs up the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
               
                            THE END





The Millennium



Writers :   Jennifer Crittenden
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy