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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                        THE MOM AND POP STORE



                             Written by

                       Tom Gammill & Max Pross




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               I like the names they have for cars. 
               Like, no baron has ever owned a LeBaron. 
               Or the Ford LTD. "LTD." Limited. It's 
               a "limited" edition...what did they 
               make, fifty million of those? "Yes, 
               it's 'limited' to the number we can 
               sell." Or when they try and mangle a 
               positive word into a car name, you know 
               how they'll do that? The "Integra." 
               Oh, integrity? No, Integra. The "Supra." 
               Or the "Impreza." Yeah? Well, I hope 
               it's not a "lemona"...or you'll be hearing 
               from my "lawya."
 
               
               
               (George looking at cars at a used car lot, checking out an '89 
               Volvo.)
 
               
                             CAR SALESMAN
               George, are you sure I can't show you 
               any other cars?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't think so, Vic. I've done my 
               homework. '89 Volvo, that's the car 
               for me, it's the one I want.
 
               
                             SALESMAN
               I got a LeBaron convertible right here.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               N.I. Not interested.

               
                             SALESMAN
               It's got a few more miles on it, but 
               the previous owner was John Voight.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jon Voight?

               
               
               Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone 
               with Tim Whatley.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay, Tim. You're welcome. (Hangs up.)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Was that Tim Whatley?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, it was. He wanted your address 
               - you, my friend, are going to be invited 
               to his night-before-Thanksgiving party. 
               (Elaine raises her hands triumphantly, 
               then gleefully struts her way to the 
               kitchen.) You know, he's got that great 
               apartment on 77th street, and they overlook 
               where they inflate all those huge balloons 
               for the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I have always had a big crush on Tim 
               Whatley. Why can't he ask me out? (Punctuates 
               this by shoving Jerry.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, he's a dentist. You don't want to 
               go out with a dentist.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               He'll always be criticizing your brushing 
               technique, it'll drive you crazy. (Mimics 
               brushing his teeth) Away from the gums... 
               (The door opens a little, George jangles 
               the keys to his new car at Jerry and 
               Elaine, then enters.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh - new car!

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohhh!  Mark's Michelle is a dog.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey! Did you get the Volvo?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               A LeBaron?

               
                             JERRY
               I thought Consumer said Volvo was the 
               car.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What Consumer? I'm the consumer.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright. Seems like...a strange choice.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, maybe so...but it was good enough 
               for Mr. Jon Voight.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Jon Voight? The actor?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's right. He just happened to be 
               the previous owner of the vehicle.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You bought a car because it belonged 
               to Jon Voight?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no...

               
                             JERRY
               I think yes, yes. You like the idea 
               of telling people you're driving Jon 
               Voight's car.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, maybe I do. So what.

               
                             ELAINE
               I've never even seen him in a car. I 
               mean, look at his movies. No cars. Deliverance 
               - canoe. Midnight Cowboy - boots. Runaway 
               Train...runaway train. (Kramer enters.)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, you know that shoe repair place 
               at the end of the block? Well, if they 
               don't get some business, they're gonna 
               have to shut down and make way for one 
               of those gourmet coffee or cookie stores.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I like coffee.

               
                             GEORGE
               I like (imitates Kramer) "cookies."
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, of course you do. And do you know 
               why? Because you're a bunch of yuppies. 
               It's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles 
               that are driving out these Mom and Pop 
               stores and destroying the fabric of 
               this neighborhood.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, what's so great about a Mom and 
               Pop store? Let me tell you something. 
               If my Mom and Pop ran a store, I wouldn't 
               shop there.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Bogambo - they've been in the neighborhood 
               for 48 years. Now, come on, Jerry. You've 
               gotta have a pair of shoes in need of 
               a cobblin.'
 
               
                             JERRY
               I really don't wear the kind of shoes 
               that have to be cobbled.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what about sneakers? You know, 
               they'll clean 'em. They do complete 
               detailing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, take 'em.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah-yah.

               
               
               Kramer dropping off a box full of Jerry's sneakers at Mom and 
               Pop's shoe repair shop.
 
               
                             POP
               Kramer, without you, we'd be out of 
               business.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well you know, these sneakers, they 
               belong to my neighbor, Jerry Seinfeld? 
               The comedian.
 
               
                             MOM
               So many sneakers!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he's got a Peter Pan complex.
 
               
               
                             POP
               They'll be ready a week from Thursday.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, well, no rush. (wipes his nose) 
               Uh oh.
 
               
                             MOM
               What's the matter?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I keep getting these nosebleeds.
 
               
               
                             MOM
               Oh, lie down, and put your head back.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. (Lies on the couch and cracks 
               the back of his head against the armrest.) 
               Hey, what's with your ceiling? (Mom 
               and Pop look up.)
 
               
                             POP
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you got wires sticking out every 
               which way. That looks dangerous, you 
               should call the electrician.
 
               
                             POP
               You know, in the 48 years we've been 
               here, I don't think we've ever called 
               an electrician.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah well, you should. This place could 
               blow any minute.
 
               
               
               Elaine at Mr. Pitt's, listening to big band music on the radio. 
               Mr. Pitt enters.
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, Mr. Pitt?

               
                             MR. PITT
               Have you gotten all the salt off those 
               pretzels yet?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I'm still working on it.

               
                             MR. PITT
               What in blazes are you listening to?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Artie Shaw. "Honeysuckle Jump." (The 
               song ends.)
 
               
                             DJ ON RADIO
               That was Artie Shaw, "Honeysuckle Jump."
 
               
               
                             MR. PITT
               Elaine! How did you know that?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, my father used have a huge collection 
               of big band records.
 
               
                             DJ ON RADIO
               Congratulations to our listener Wayne 
               Hopper for identifying it. And by doing 
               so, he becomes our seventh person to 
               land the WFBB-sponsored Woody Woodpecker 
               balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day 
               Parade. (Mr. Pitt hears this and is 
               intrigued; mouths the words "Woody Woodpecker.") 
               There are only three spots left. We're 
               going to take a little break now; when 
               we come back, you'll have three more 
               chances to win a spot holding a rope 
               under Woody Woodpecker.
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               Could you identify the next song? Could 
               you? Could you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Pitt, why would you want to hold 
               onto the ropes on the Woody Woodpecker 
               balloon?
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               My father was a stern man. He forbad 
               us to participate in any activities 
               that he thought were associated with 
               the common man. The Thanksgiving Day 
               Parade was first on the list.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Alright, I'll do the best I can. 
               (Turns up the radio.)
 
               
                             DJ ON RADIO
               Alright, here we go for the next spot 
               under the balloon. If you know the name 
               of this song, call 555-BAND. (The music 
               starts. Elaine listens intently.)
 
               
               
                             MR. PITT
               Well, Elaine? Do you know it? What song 
               is it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Will you shut up? I can't hear!

               
                             MR. PITT
               I'm sorry!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! I've got it! It's "Next Stop Pottersville"! 
               (Grabs the phone to call it in.)
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               Goody! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Dances back and 
               forth, elated) Next Stop Pottersville, 
               Next Stop Pottersville! You are a genius!
 
               
               
               
               Jerry and George walking down the street toward George's new 
               car.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You are gonna love this car. Even if 
               you don't like Jon Voight.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I like Jon Voight. Just seems like kind've 
               a strange reason to buy a car, because 
               he might have driven it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean "might"? You don't 
               think he really owned this car?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, why would the guy make up something 
               like that? Of all the names he could 
               pick, why settle on Jon Voight?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't you see, that's the genius of 
               it. If he had said Liam Neeson, you'd 
               know he's making it up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Neeson? How are you comparing Liam Neeson 
               with Jon Voight? Jerry, we're talking 
               about Joe Buck. If you can play Joe 
               Buck, Oskar Schindler's a cake walk. 
               (Opens the car door for Jerry, Jerry's 
               about to get in.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, look at this, I stepped in gum.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Whoa, whoa, you're not getting in my 
               car with gummy shoes.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'll change my shoes. (Heads 
               back to his apartment. George follows.)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Liam Neeson. You know, he's not American.
 
               
               
               Cut to Jerry and George coming back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry 
               tosses his gummy sneakers on the floor.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Let me get a clean pair. (Goes into 
               his room. George strides over to the 
               window.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Everybody's talkin' at me...I can't 
               hear a word they're sayin'...just drivin' 
               around in Jon Voight's car...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer! (We hear Kramer's door slam 
               open and shut. Kramer enters. Jerry 
               comes out of his room.) Hey! Where's 
               all my sneakers?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You said take 'em.

               
                             JERRY
               Not all of 'em!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, obviously there was a miscommunication.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Obviously. So what am I supposed to 
               wear?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, I left you a pair right here...(goes 
               into Jerry's room and comes out with 
               a pair of cowboy boots.) C'mon. There, 
               put on those boots.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't wear these!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, why not?

               
                             JERRY
               They're uncomfortable.

               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon here, try 'em on. (Jerry sits 
               down and puts the boots on.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Where did you get those?

               
                             JERRY
               I worked a club in Dallas one time and 
               they couldn't afford to pay me so they 
               gave me these. Oh, I can't wear these! 
               (Stands up.) They look ridiculous!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, you look like a cowboy! Huh?

               
                             JERRY
               But I don't wanna be a cowboy!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, stop it. You know that friend of 
               yours, Tim the dentist? I got an invitation 
               to his Thanksgiving Eve party.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I got one too.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah? Huh.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               No, nothing.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, what is it?

               
                             JERRY
               No, it's just that I, uh...didn't get 
               one.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You didn't get one?

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, but he called me up and he asked 
               for yours and Elaine's addresses, I'm 
               sure that means I'm invited.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Not necessarily.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, why would you call someone up and 
               ask them for two addresses if you're 
               not invited to the party?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's the genius of it.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm callin' Elaine. See if she can find 
               out anything from Tim Whatley.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey. I got Jon Voight's LeBaron. (Jingles 
               the keys.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Boss!

               
               
               Mom and Pop talking to the electrician about the faulty wiring 
               in the ceiling of the shop.
 
               
                             POP
               Four thousand dollars? We can't afford 
               that!
 
               
                             ELECTRICIAN
               Well I'm afraid you're gonna have to 
               do something about it, because it's 
               in violation of the building code. Otherwise, 
               they're gonna close you up.
 
               
                             POP
               But what if we can't pay for it?

               
                             ELECTRICIAN
               Then I have to report you. Otherwise, 
               I lose my license. Sorry. (Exits.)
 
               
               
                             POP
               48 years, Mom! And now we have to close! 
               All because of that idiot and his bloody 
               nose! (Kramer enters.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Afternoon, Mom! Afternoon, Pop. You 
               know you got a crack in the sidewalk 
               out there? Now, you oughta get that 
               fixed.
 
               
               (Pop glares at Kramer angrily.)

               
               
               George and Jerry driving along in John Voight's car. George is 
               humming the tune to "Everybody's Talkin.'"
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon, put the top up, it's November!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I feel alive, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Let's check out the glove box. (Opens 
               the glove compartment, takes out a pencil.) 
               Ah. Pencil.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey...you don't think...sure, that's 
               Jon Voight's pencil!
 
               
                             JERRY
               With Jon Voight's teeth marks. (Looks 
               at the owner's manual.) Owner's manual...you 
               know what? This car was owned by Jon 
               Voight.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah! See? I told ya.

               
                             JERRY
               Except Jon is spelled with an H. J-O-H-N.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               Doesn't Jon Voight spell his name J-O-N?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So, what are you saying?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothing. I'm sure "Jon" probably mispelled 
               his own name. I know sometimes I spell 
               Jerry with a G...and an I! (Laughs uproariously.)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Get out of the car!

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's right, you heard me. Get out! 
               You are ruining this whole experience 
               for me!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, look! There's Gregory Peck's bicycle!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Get out!

               
                             JERRY
               And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Get out!! (Jerry gets out and George 
               drives away. A couple of guys notice 
               Jerry in his cowboy boots.)
 
               
                             TOUGH GUY
               Hey, cowboy. Where's your horse? (Jerry 
               slips and slides in his cowboy boots 
               and runs away.) Yeah, you better run!
 
               
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               Jerry, George and Elaine at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did they take anything?

               
                             JERRY
               No, they didn't even touch me. I tripped 
               because of these stupid cowboy boots.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway, again, I'm sorry about throwing 
               you out of the car.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You really seemed to enjoy it.

               
                             GEORGE
               It was kinda fun. (Elaine gives Jerry 
               a cold cloth for his jaw.) You know, 
               maybe his name really is J-O-H-N, but 
               he changed it to J-O-N for show business. 
               Well, you know, J-O-N is a lot zippier.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's possible.

               
                             GEORGE
               How would you find out something like 
               that...wait a minute, what am I thinking? 
               I've got the entire Yankee organization 
               at my disposal.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He'll dispose of it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Heh, that's right. See ya later. (Exits.)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So Jerome, I did a little snooping around 
               for you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah! What'd you find out, Lois?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I talked to Tim Whatley...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah...

               
                             ELAINE
               And I asked him, "Should Jerry bring 
               anything?"
 
               
                             JERRY
               So...?

               
                             ELAINE
               Mmmm...and he said, "Why would Jerry 
               bring anything?"
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, but let me ask you this question.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Which word did he emphasize? Did he 
               say, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" 
               or, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" 
               You emphasize "Jerry" or "bring."
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I think he emphasized "would."

               
                             JERRY
               You know what? The hell with this party, 
               I don't even want to go to begin with. 
               (Kramer enters.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, so where's my sneakers?

               
                             KRAMER
               That's what I wanna know.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I saw Mom and Pop this morning, 
               but when I went by the store on my way 
               home? The place was empty. Everything 
               is gone. Mom and Pop - vrooop - vanished.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So all my sneakers are gone?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm afraid so. And that's just the tip 
               of the iceberg. I've been asking around 
               - they didn't even have any kids.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Mom and Pop aren't even a Mom and Pop?!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It was all an act, Jerry. They conned 
               us, and they scored, big time.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So. Mom and Pop's plan was to move into 
               the neighborhood...establish trust...for 
               48 years. And then, run off with Jerry's 
               sneakers.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Apparently.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, that's enough of this.

               
                             JERRY
               Where ya goin'?

               
                             ELAINE
               I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli to 
               pick up Mr. Pitt's security pass for 
               the parade.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why does he want to hold a rope underneath 
               Woody Woodpecker in the Thanksgiving 
               Day Parade?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He finds his laugh "intoxicating." (Laughs 
               like Woody Woodpecker, and exits.)
 
               
               
               
               George in a meeting at Yankee stadium.

               
                             MR. MORGAN
               So George, what kind of promotional 
               events are we talking about?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I think we need more special days 
               at the stadium, you know? Like, uh...Joe 
               Pepitone Day. Or, uh...Jon Voight Day.
 
               
               
                             MR. MORGAN
               Jon Voight? The actor? (Rubs his eyes 
               wearily.) Uh, I make a motion that we 
               have no more of these meetings that 
               have been initiated by George Costanza.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I suppose if I had suggested Liam Neeson 
               Day, you'd all be patting me on the 
               back.
 
               
               
               Elaine at the Dixieland Deli, seated at a table with the other 
               contest winners.
 
               
                             CONTEST WINNER
               I guessed Stan Herman's "Boomtown Blues." 
               What'd you guess?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Um, it was, uh..."Next Stop Pottersville." 
               (The group is unimpressed.) Uh, do you 
               know when they're giving out the passes?
 
               
               
                             CONTEST WINNER
               After the music. (The band starts playing 
               directly behind Elaine. She is deafened 
               by the loudness of the horns.)
 
               
               
               Kramer walking down the street. His nose starts to bleed.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. Oh man. (Takes out a Kleenex and 
               puts his head back. Jon Voight comes 
               out of a doorway and hails a cab.)
 
               
               
                             VOIGHT
               Taxi! (Walks right by Kramer.) Taxi.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! Jon Voight! Jon Voight! (Voight 
               waves at Kramer and hurriedly gets in 
               the cab. Kramer runs over to the car.) 
               Hey, listen, can I ask you something? 
               Listen, listen...(Leans in the the open 
               back window of the cab. Defensively, 
               Voight grabs Kramer's arm and bites 
               it. Kramer screams. The cab speeds off 
               leaving Kramer in the street, stunned.)
 
               
               
               
               Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               No Jon Voight Day, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               No. Now I'll always have this doubt 
               about the car. What, your jaw still 
               hurts?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's all swollen. I think I may 
               have chipped a tooth when I fell yesterday.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You should have somebody take a look 
               at that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm calling dentists all day here, there's 
               nobody working the day before Thanksgiving.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You going to the party?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't know if I'm invited.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, there's going to be a lot of dentists 
               there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you're right.

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't want to suffer with this all 
               weekend.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I gotta see a dentist, this is 
               killin' me. Well, I'll take a chance. 
               We'll go together.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I'll just meet you there.

               
                             JERRY
               You don't want to go with me?

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, for all I know this guy went 
               out of his way to not invite you. How 
               am I gonna feel if I show up with an 
               uninvited, unwelcome intruder?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The way I feel when I go places with 
               you? (Kramer enters.) Hey, so'd you 
               find my sneakers yet?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No. (To George) But I did run into somebody 
               you might be interested in, a Mr. Jon 
               Voight, the actor?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jon Voight! Are you kiddin' me? Did 
               you talk to him?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he was a little standoffish.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What, you didn't ask him about the car?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, I couldn't, his cab pulled away. 
               But he did, however, make an impression 
               on me. (Pulls up his sleeve and shows 
               George his arm.) Look.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               His tooth marks. He bit me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jon Voight bit you?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what is he, a vampire?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, it's justifiable. He thought I was 
               going for his wallet.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He left perfect imprints.

               
                             KRAMER
               That he did. Now, you got that pencil 
               with the bite marks on it? We get a 
               trained eye to match 'em up, and we'll 
               see whether or not you're driving Jon 
               Voight's car!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, please.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute, wait, it's not that stupid.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, it's stupid.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why? Why isn't it possible? I mean, 
               they're both bite marks.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you're gonna show up at that party 
               with a chewed-up pencil and Kramer's 
               gnarled arm.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's worth a shot. (Goes to the door.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, Kramer, you wanna go to the party 
               together?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, look, come on, I'm an invited 
               guest. I can't be aiding and abetting 
               some...party-crasher.
 
               
               
               Tim Whatley's party. Jerry peeks his head around the corner, 
               then slowly moves through the crowd, covering his face to keep 
               a low profile.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me, uh...dentist? You a dentist? 
               (The guy shakes his head. Jerry moves 
               on to another guy.) Dentist? Are you 
               a dentist?
 
               
               Cut to George and Kramer looking at the parade out the window.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               These are the balloons? Big deal, all 
               I see is Woody Woodpecker.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, what is he? Some sort of an instigator?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               That's right. He's a troublemaker.
 
               
               
               (Elaine enters the party with a trophy under her arm, and runs 
               into Jerry.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Elaine. Did you get my message?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What? I can't hear a word you're saying. 
               I was stuck at the Dixieland Deli all 
               day. My head is still ringing. Where's 
               Tim?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is that, the Empire State Building?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What? I can't hear you.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, would you marry me?

               
                             ELAINE
               I told you, I can't hear a word.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright. Forget it.

               
               (Tim gets up from the couch and meets George and Kramer.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Tim.

               
                             TIM
               Hey, George. Kramer, how ya doin.' (They 
               shake hands.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Watch the arm! Tim, listen, we don't 
               want to bother you, we know you're busy 
               here.
 
               
                             TIM
               No, it's no problem, what is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Let me show you something, take a look 
               at this... (Another guy at the party 
               interrupts.)
 
               
                             GUY
               Alright Tim, I'm gonna get goin.'

               
                             TIM
               Alright, let me take down your number. 
               (Grabs George's pencil, then notices 
               Jerry sitting on the couch.) Is that 
               Jerry Seinfeld?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               He didn't come with us. (Tim walks over 
               to Jerry.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, Tim, the pencil...

               
                             TIM
               Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Tim.

               
                             TIM
               Jerry. I didn't think you'd show.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you say, "Jerry, I didn't think 
               you'd show" or, "Jerry, I didn't think 
               you'd show"? (Elaine comes over.)
 
               
               
                             TIM
               Elaine! Hi!

               
                             ELAINE
               Tim.

               
                             TIM
               Well. I'm really glad you came.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             TIM
               Really glad you came.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh huh.

               
                             TIM
               Listen, Elaine, I've been wanting to 
               ask you...would you like to go out with 
               me New Years Eve? (Elaine thinks Tim 
               is offering her a nut, and shakes her 
               head no. Tim, rejected, walks away.) 
               Thanks.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? What?

               
               (Cut to George and Kramer talking to another dentist at the party.)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Let me ask you something. Could you 
               tell if teeth marks on someone's arm 
               matched teeth marks on a pencil?
 
               
                             DENTIST
               It's possible.

               
                             GEORGE
               Roll up your sleeve.

               
                             DENTIST
               Somebody bit you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Not just someone. Jon Voight.

               
                             DENTIST
               Jon Voight bit you? (George notices 
               Tim across the room with the pencil 
               in his mouth.) The pencil! Hey, hey! 
               Get the pencil out of your mouth, you're 
               destroying Jon Voight's teeth marks!
 
               
               
                             TIM
               That's John Voight's pencil?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's right. I got his whole car downstairs.
 
               
               
                             TIM
               Are you the one who bought his LeBaron 
               convertible?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes! Yes, I'm the one! Hey! So, you 
               know Jon Voight!
 
               
                             TIM
               Yes! Yes, I went to dental school with 
               him.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jon Voight, the actor?

               
                             TIM
               No. The periodontist. (George snaps 
               the pencil in two.)
 
               
               (Cut to Jerry by the window, getting one of the dentists at the 
               party to look at his chipped tooth.)
 
               
                             DENTIST
               Can't this wait until Monday? Come by 
               my office.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Just a quick peek. I'm in agony.

               
                             DENTIST
               Alright. Sit down.

               
                             JERRY
               It's this one here in the back. (Tilts 
               his head back, and knocks Elaine's trophy 
               out the window. A loud hissing sound 
               and commotion is heard from the street 
               below. Everyone runs to the windows 
               to look.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh! You popped Woody Woodpecker!

               
                             TIM
               Hey, who invited you, anyway? You're 
               a troublemaker! (Jerry nervously laughs 
               like Woody Woodpecker as the breeze 
               from the popped balloon blows in the 
               window.)
 
               
               
               
               Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving 
               Day Parade on TV.
 
               
                             ANNOUNCER ON TV
               Hey, it looks like Woody Woodpecker 
               is running out of air. In fact, he's 
               collapsing.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Those kids look pretty disappointed.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Especially that big kid up in the front. 
               (Mr. Pitt is shown on the television, 
               trying to hold up the deflating Woody 
               balloon.) How old is he? (The phone 
               rings.) Hello?
 
               
                             GUY ON PHONE
               Hello, is this Jerry Seinfeld?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes it is.

               
                             GUY ON PHONE
               You don't know me, but a really strange 
               thing happened. I was at a garage sale, 
               and this old couple sold me a used pair 
               of sneakers they claimed belonged to 
               Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can I have the address of that garage 
               sale? Okay, thank you very much. (To 
               Kramer) I found Mom and Pop, they're 
               sellin' my sneakers!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Where are they?

               
                             JERRY
               Parsippany, New Jersey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Let's go!

               
                             JERRY
               My car's in the shop.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, how are we getting to Parsippany?
 
               
               
               (Cut to Jerry and Kramer sitting in the back of a Trailways bus, 
               en route to Parsippany. Kramer's nose starts to bleed again.)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh. Jerry. These nosebleeds are starting 
               again.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe we should get you to a hospital.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I ain't goin' to no Bellevue! Look 
               at me, I'm fallin' apart here.
 
               
               
               
                             THE END



The Mom And Pop Store



Writers :   
Genres :   Comedy


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