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                             THE MONEY



                             Written by

                           Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Kramer and Emily are in bed, having just finished their lovemaking. 
               They're
 
               both looking very satisfied and smiling.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that was alright, huh?

               
                             EMILY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, um, goodnight.

               
                             EMILY
               Goodnight.

               
               snuggles up to him and puts an arm around him. Kramer doesn't 
               look
 
               comfortable with this.

               
               (Kramer's Apartment, Later)

               
                             THE CLOCK READS 3
               31. Kramer is lying on his back, sleeping. 
               Beside him,
 
               Emily lies face-down, sleeping, with her arms flung out wide. 
               One hand is on
 
               the pillow above Kramer's head, then it moves and Emily's forearm 
               runs
 
               across Kramer's face, waking him. Kramer looks disgruntled at 
               being
 
               awakened.

               
                             KRAMER
               (quietly, to himself) Look at this.
 
               
               
               He picks up Emily's hand and moves it back to the pillow behind 
               his head,
 
               only for the same thing to happen again. Emily's hand moves across 
               his face.
 
               Kramer looks unhappy at the disturbance.

               
               (Kramer's Apartment, Later Still)

               
                             THE CLOCK READS 5
               11. A wide awake Kramer is right over 
               to the edge of the
 
               bed, with Emily cuddled up to him, sleeping happily. Kramer tries 
               to
 
               carefully move, so as to not wake Emily, but as he shifts his 
               weight, he
 
               slips off the end of the mattress and falls to the floor. Emily 
               rolls into
 
               the space vacated, continuing to sleep.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry and his parents enter, carrying a selection of luggage.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, we can only stay four days.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm upset, but we'll make the 
               most of it.
 
               
               Morty and Helen remove their coats.

               
                             MORTY
               Helen, did you pack my travel gym?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Yes. (to Jerry) Oh, your father bought 
               a exercise device off the
 
               television. He does it every morning at four.

               
                             MORTY
               Only twenty-five minutes a day, and 
               you can attach it to any
 
               doorknob.

               
                             JERRY
               Huh. So, I guess your travel miles are 
               about to expire.
 
               
               Jerry carries two cases through into the bedroom as his parents 
               sit on the
 
               couch.

               
                             HELEN
               Well, actually, Jerry, we wanted to 
               talk to you about something.
 
               
               Jerry reenters.

               
                             JERRY
               Am I finally getting a baby brother?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, be serious.

               
                             MORTY
               How would you feel if we sold the Cadillac?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What? The Cadillac I bought for you?
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               It's too much car, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Aw, c'mon, you love that car. What about 
               the Northstar system?
 
               
                             MORTY
               I don't think we even use it.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's a gift and I want you to 
               keep it.
 
               
                             HELEN
               We already sold it.

               
                             JERRY
               Wh..why didn't you tell me before you 
               sold it?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Because we had a buyer, and we couldn't 
               get a free flight until now.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Well, we could, but we wanted the bulkhead.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (exasperated) Ugh.

               
               Jerry turns away towards the kitchen as Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               (to Jerry) Man, that Emily is wearing 
               me out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no. It's not the sex, Jerry. 
               (noticing Morty and Helen)
 
               Heyy! Seinfelds.

               
                             HELEN
               Hi Kramer.

               
                             MORTY
               Hiya Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               We're in the middle of a discussion 
               here.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah? What about?

               
                             HELEN
               Jerry's upset we sold the Cadillac.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What'd you get for it?

               
                             MORTY
               Jack Klompus gave us six grand.

               
               Kramer whistles, impressed

               
                             JERRY
               You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
 
               
               
               Morty rises from the couch, taking a cheque out of his pocket.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (trying to press the cheque on Jerry) 
               And we want you to have the
 
               money.

               
                             JERRY
               (getting worked up) I don't need the 
               money.
 
               
                             MORTY
               What're you talking about? You had a 
               cheque bounce at the bodega.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (animated) Oh, is that what this is 
               all about?! I bounce a cheque and
 
               
               you sold a Cadillac?!

               
                             HELEN
               Well, also, Jerry, we read an article 
               in the Sun Sentinel. (digs in
 
               her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping) It says standup 
               comedy is not
 
               what it used to be, what with def jam and all.

               
               Helen passes the clipping to Jerry.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, that def jam is a force.

               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things 
               about Bloomingdales'
 
               executive training program.

               
                             JERRY
               (sits on the back of the couch) Oh my 
               god.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Y'know you've given this comedy thing 
               your best shot. Yeah, you had
 
               some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale 
               thing, that
 
               could be the next wave.

               
               Jerry lets out an exasperated groan, as Helen rubs his back.
 
               
               
               
               (Fresh Roasted Coffee Store)

               
               Jerry and Elaine have cups of coffee, George is ordering his 
               beans from the
 
               guy behind the counter.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, excuse me. Uh, pound of Arabian 
               mocha java, please.
 
               
               The counterperson nods to George, and moves to fill the order.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So, you understand how my Peterman stock 
               options are gonna work?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm going to the bathroom.

               
               George leaves.

               
                             ELAINE
               Just, very interesting.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, when it's your money, it's fascinating.
 
               
               
               The guy behind the counter brings a bag of coffee over.

               
                             COUNTERPERSON
               Arabian mocha java?

               
                             ELAINE
               (looks for George) Mmm. (can't see him) 
               Oh, um, I got it.
 
               
               Elaine takes the bag and pays for it.

               
                             JERRY
               That Arabian is strong coffee.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's PLO blend.

               
               George rejoins the gang.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohh, I got your coffee.

               
               Elaine proffers the bag to George. He takes it and reaches for 
               his pocket.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh Oh, here, lemme uh...

               
                             ELAINE
               (waving away) Nah, nah, it's on me. 
               (looks at her watch) Aww, man.
 
               Okay, listen guys, I'm gonna be late. (taking her cup of coffee) 
               I'll see
 
               you, okay? (begins to walk away)

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Bye.

               
                             GEORGE
               Mmm.

               
               Elaine leaves. Jerry moves to wander out of the store also, when 
               George
 
               stops him.

               
                             GEORGE
               You see what just happened here?

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               She treated me to the Arabian mocha 
               java.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And you misinterpret this how?

               
                             GEORGE
               She's stickin' it to me that she makes 
               more money than me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm sure she was just being nice, buying 
               you the coffee.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're crazy.

               
                             GEORGE
               (worked up) Stickin' it to me, Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George.

               
                             GEORGE
               (angry) Stickin' it!

               
               George walks off, pulling an angry face.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry and George sit in a booth.

               
                             GEORGE
               So you're buying the car back for your 
               parents?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Your parents'll never let you do it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               They lied to me about selling the car. 
               I'll lie to them about buying
 
               it back. They think they can dump six grand on me? Think again.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What kind of money you think your parents 
               have?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me?

               
                             GEORGE
               I bet they have more money than mine.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Come on, your parents have money.

               
                             GEORGE
               You think?

               
                             JERRY
               When did they ever spend any money?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Never.

               
                             JERRY
               What are their living expenses?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               Where do they ever go on vacation?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Nowhere.

               
               Jerry gives a little 'you do the math' shrug to George.

               
                             GEORGE
               How much money d'you think they have?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Few hundred grand?

               
                             GEORGE
               (excited) You're saying I stand to inherit 
               three hundred thousand
 
               dollars, is that what you're saying?!

               
                             JERRY
               Course you may not see it for twenty 
               years.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Twenty years? That long?

               
                             JERRY
               Does your father still eat bacon and 
               eggs every day?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Fortunately, yes.

               
                             JERRY
               How's your family history?

               
                             GEORGE
               I have an aunt that died at seven.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               Aunt Baby.

               
               
               (Elaine's Office)

               
               Elaine sits behind her desk, in the big fancy office she gets 
               standing in
 
               for Peterman as president. Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine. Uh, you got a moment?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, Kramer, come on in.

               
                             KRAMER
               I, uh, need to speak to you about some 
               lady problems.
 
               
               Kramer sits in front of Elaine's desk.

               
                             ELAINE
               (unsure) Oh-kay.

               
                             KRAMER
               (a little anxious) You know, after I 
               have sex with Emily, uh, I
 
               don't want her in the bed any more.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, because she's throwing off my 
               whole sleep. She's got the jimmy
 
               legs.

               
                             ELAINE
               (confused) Jimmy legs?

               
               Kramer raises one leg and judders it in the air, as illustration.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jimmy leg.

               
                             ELAINE
               (grasping the concept) Ohh.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, uh, well, maybe I should just be 
               honest with her, huh?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Tell her after sex, you just want her 
               outta there?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'd say it nicely.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't think so.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know, I really like this girl 
               and I, you know, I think if
 
               I could just work out this one thing...

               
                             ELAINE
               (interrupting) Yeah. I gotta be honest 
               with you Kramer. You might be
 
               more than just a coupla tweaks away from a healthy relationship.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well you're not exactly zeroing in yourself, 
               lady.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (pointing to the door, angry) Alright, 
               get out.
 
               
               Kramer starts to move, and thumps his knee on the underside of 
               the desk. He
 
               rises and begins to head for the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               (impatient) Get out!

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Morty and Helen sit on the couch, watching TV and doing a crossword,
 
               
               respectively. Jerry enters from the bedroom, carrying a suitcase.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So listen, I gotta go down to Atlantic 
               City. I'm performing at
 
               Bally's.

               
                             MORTY
               You just heard about this today?

               
                             JERRY
               (pulling on a jacket) They had a cancellation 
               and they instantly
 
               called me.

               
                             HELEN
               Who cancelled?

               
                             JERRY
               Carrot Top. I told you, my career's 
               fine.
 
               
               
               (The Costanza Home, Queens)

               
               George and his parents are seated at the table in the kitchen, 
               eating a meal
 
               of spaghetti.

               
                             GEORGE
               I been, uh, thinking about the family. 
               Tell me, uh, about Aunt Baby.
 
               
                             FRANK
               (looks up to heaven) She's deceased.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (glances upwards) Yeah. Uhm, why did 
               she die so young?
 
               
                             FRANK
               (looks to Estelle) She had problems. 
               (Estelle nods) Internal.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Is that common in our family?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, your uncle Moe, he died a young 
               man.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Also internal problems.

               
                             ESTELLE
               It's that temper on your side. They're 
               yelling and yelling, and
 
               then one day, they're all gone.

               
                             FRANK
               What about your side? Your cousin Hennie. 
               (animated) She was sickly
 
               from the moment I met her!

               
                             ESTELLE
               (shouts) Don't you talk about Hennie!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I guess you two are the lucky ones.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               So far.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Frank, if Aunt Baby were alive today, 
               how old would she be?
 
               
                             FRANK
               She'd never make it.

               
               George thinks a little and looks hopeful.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Kramer and Emily sit at a table. Emily looks a little angry.
 
               
               
                             EMILY
               So let me get this straight. You enjoy 
               the lovemaking...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Shh, shh.

               
                             EMILY
               (quieter) Well, do you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, like strawberry pie.

               
                             EMILY
               Okay, but you have a problem sharing 
               a bed with me?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I know it's not what the ladies like. 
               But without some solid sack
 
               time, I'm a zombie.

               
                             EMILY
               I don't know.

               
                             KRAMER
               (pleading) Aww, c'mon, man. Meet me 
               halfway.
 
               
                             EMILY
               You're not easy, Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               I know.

               
               
               (Animation)

               
               On a map of the East Coast of the US, a long red arrow appears 
               from New York
 
               to Del Boca Vista.

               
               
               (Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista)

               
               Jerry sits on a chair as Jack, standing, speaks.

               
                             JACK
               So, to what do I owe the pleasure of 
               this, unannounced, visit?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I wanna buy back the Cadillac.

               
                             JACK
               You wanna buy it back? Why, you go drugs 
               hidden in the trunk?
 
               
               Jack chuckles at his own joke. Jerry stares back at him, unamused.
 
               
               
                             JACK
               I'm kidding.

               
                             JERRY
               (reaching into his pocket) Alright, 
               I'll give you nine thousand for
 
               it.

               
               Jerry puts is chequebook on the table

               
                             JACK
               Nine thousand for a Cadillac? It's got 
               no miles on it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You bought it for six!

               
                             JACK
               You're not me.

               
                             JERRY
               (standing) How much d'you want for it?
 
               
               
                             JACK
               The Kelly blue book value. Twenty-two 
               thousand dollars.
 
               
               Jerry pulls a 'you have to be kidding' face.

               
                             JERRY
               Fourteen thousand.

               
                             JACK
               Done. But, I get to drive it tomorrow, 
               because Doris wants to go to
 
               Naples.

               
               Jerry starts to write the cheque, but his pen is obviously not 
               working
 
               properly. Jack pulls out his own pen (the astronaut pen from 
               'The Pen') and
 
               offers it to Jerry.

               
                             JACK
               Need a pen?

               
               Jerry scribbles with his pen, to try and encourage it, but to 
               no avail. He
 
               looks to Jack, who's holding out his pen.

               
                             JACK
               Still works.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Morty and Helen are by the counter, as Kramer comes in.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, where's Jerry?

               
                             HELEN
               He's performing at Bally's in Atlantic 
               City.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Aw, okay. (picks up the phone and starts 
               dialling) Yeah, I need his
 
               shoeshine kit. (still dialling) He always hides it from me. (puts 
               the phone
 
               to his ear and waits for a second or two) Yeah, Bally's? Yeah, 
               Jerry
 
               Seinfeld's room, please.

               
                             MORTY
               You know that number?

               
                             KRAMER
               I used to have a problem. (into phone) 
               Well, what d'you mean, he's
 
               not registered? Wha..S, E, I, N, V...

               
                             HELEN
               F. F, E, L , D.

               
                             KRAMER
               ...F, E, L, D. (half-laughing) Well, 
               I think you're wrong. (listens)
 
               Alright, you have a lucky day, too.

               
               Kramer rings off.

               
                             HELEN
               He's not there?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, they never heard of him.

               
               Kramer puts down the phone, and walks off to look for the shoeshine 
               kit.
 
               Morty and Helen exchange worried looks.

               
               
               (Restaurant)

               
               George, Elaine and Jerry's parents sit at a table in a fancy 
               restaurant.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               This is so nice of you to take us all 
               out to dinner, George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (oozing fake sincerity) Well, as much 
               as I enjoy all the
 
               good-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending 
               money on
 
               the people I care about.

               
                             HELEN
               Where's Jerry?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, he'll be here. By the way, Elaine, 
               (reaches under the table and
 
               brings out a large coffee machine) thank you for laying out for 
               the Arabian
 
               mocha java.

               
               George puts the gift in front of Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               George, you didn't have to do this. 
               I'm president of a big company.
 
               I can afford to buy you coffee.

               
                             MORTY
               (surprised) President?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
               Jerry enters, with his bag over his shoulder.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey look, he's back.

               
                             JERRY
               I got your message, (sitting) so I came 
               straight from Atlantic City.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, Kramer called Bally's. You weren't 
               registered.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (extemporising) Well, I can't stay under 
               my own name. I was
 
               registered under Slappy White.

               
               Helen looks unconvinced. A spiffily-dressed Frank and Estelle 
               enter the
 
               restaurant and are spotted by George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Mom? Dad?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, look who's here. Hello, Seinfelds.
 
               
               
               Morty half-nods a greeting.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wh..what're you doing here?

               
                             FRANK
               We're having an upscale dinner.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, after talking to you, we realised 
               we may not have much time
 
               left.

               
                             FRANK
               So, we're blowing it all.

               
               George looks unhappy at this news.

               
                             FRANK
               (holding out his tie) Look George, it's 
               a Pierre Cardin.
 
               
               
               (Emily's Apartment)

               
               Once again, Kramer and Emily are basking in the afterglow.

               
                             KRAMER
               That was alright.

               
                             EMILY
               Yeah.

               
               They both lie still for a few seconds.

               
                             KRAMER
               (abruptly) Well, I'll see you.

               
               Kramer climbs quickly out of the bed to leave.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Morty, dressed in exercise gear, emerges from the bedroom. He 
               is carrying
 
               the travel gym. He creeps across the room, so as not to wake 
               Jerry, who is
 
               asleep on the couch, quietly opens the door and slips outside.
 
               
               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment/Hallway)

               
               Kramer is asleep in his bed, when something wakes him. He can 
               hear a
 
               thumping and a rattling sound. Kramer turns over and looks across 
               at his
 
               door, to see the handle turning, as if someone outside were trying 
               to open
 
               it. A look of horror comes to Kramer's face.

               
               Outside in the hallway, Morty has his travel gym attached to 
               Kramer's
 
               doorknob. As he pulls on the arrangement of cords and pulleys, 
               they in turn
 
               pull at the doorknob.

               
               Inside Kramer's apartment, a terrified Kramer pulls the blankets 
               over his
 
               head and lies quivering underneath.

               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment/Florida)

               
               Morty and Helen are eating at the table. The phone rings and 
               Jerry answers.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
               A dishevelled and muddy Jack Klompus is on the other end of the 
               line, using
 
               a cellular phone somewhere outdoors in Florida.

               
                             JACK
               (shouting like there's a bad line) Jerry, 
               I had a little mishap with
 
               the car.

               
               The front portion of the Cadillac is submerged in a swamp, with 
               the tail end
 
               pointed upwards.

               
                             JACK
               I'm down here in alligator alley. You 
               better get down here.
 
               
               Jerry tries not to give anything away to his parents.

               
                             JERRY
               (quiet) Huh. Alright.

               
               Jerry puts down the phone and moves towards the bedroom.

               
                             HELEN
               Who was that?

               
                             JERRY
               (extemporising) That was the Golden 
               Nugget. Also in Atlantic City.
 
               They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want 
               me for
 
               tonight. So I'll have to repack, and go.

               
               Jerry leaves to the bedroom. Helen and Morty don't look convinced 
               by Jerry's
 
               spiel. They talk quietly so's Jerry can't hear in the next room.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               That didn't sound like the Golden Nugget.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               I'm worried. What happens if we have 
               to support Jerry?
 
               
                             MORTY
               I'd have to go back to work.

               
                             HELEN
               Where would you work?

               
                             MORTY
               Maybe I should talk to Elaine.

               
               
               (Elaine's Office)

               
               Elaine sits behind her desk, interviewing a smartly dressed Morty.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I 
               understand why you want a job
 
               here.

               
                             MORTY
               What's not to understand?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, for one thing, you live in Florida.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               I'm very comfortable working outta the 
               house. I have a phone, we have
 
               a Kinko's nearby. You know, I think that my resume speaks for 
               itself.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (looking around her desk) Where is your 
               resume?
 
               
                             MORTY
               I don't have it. I'll mail you one.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind 
               of position did you have in
 
               mind?

               
                             MORTY
               You sell clothes here, don't you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             MORTY
               Well, I sold raincoats in the garment 
               centre for thirty-eight years.
 
               In nineteen forty-nine...

               
                             ELAINE
               (interrupting) Alright. Alright, alright. 
               You come in tomorrow,
 
               we'll find something for you to do.

               
                             MORTY
               You won't regret this, Miss Benes. What 
               time should I be in? I get up
 
               at four, I could be here as early as four twenty-five.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uhm...

               
               Peterman enters the office.

               
                             PETERMAN
               (upbeat) Oh, Elaine, this dry air is 
               curing me like a Black Forest
 
               ham.

               
               Peterman strides across the office to another door.

               
                             ELAINE
               (stunned) Mr Peterman. You're back.
 
               
               
               Peterman goes through the other door, and closes it behind him. 
               Elaine,
 
               stands, her mouth agape in shock.

               
                             MORTY
               Who's Mr Fancy?

               
               
               (Emily's Apartment)

               
               Kramer and Emily in bed again.

               
                             KRAMER
               (hesitant) I uh, I was thinking maybe 
               I should spend the night.
 
               
                             EMILY
               Aww, that's sweet, but actually I, I 
               think I'd prefer it if you left.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (surprise) What?

               
                             EMILY
               You were completely right. I sleep so 
               much better when I'm alone.
 
               (pause) And you scream in your sleep.

               
                             KRAMER
               I do?

               
               Kramer looks intensely nervous.

               
                             KRAMER
               (fearful) There was a man, he was trying 
               to get into my apartment
 
               last night. He was jiggling the doorknob for twenty-five minutes.
 
               
               
                             EMILY
               C'mon, it was probably the wind.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no. It was a fearless cat burglar. 
               (pleading) Now listen,
 
               you gotta let me sleep here, huh? Y'know, I'll stay here on my 
               side, and
 
               I'll stuff a sock in my mouth. (panicky) 'Cos I don't wanna sleep 
               alone.
 
               
                             EMILY
               (adamant) Well, I do.

               
               
               (Animation)

               
               Another arrow is drawn from New York to Del Boca Vista.

               
               
               (Street, Del Boca Vista)

               
               A tow truck has hauled the Cadillac out of the swamp and back 
               to Del Boca
 
               Vista. It's plastered with mud and filth over its entire length. 
               Jack
 
               Klompus stands beside it, still mud-spattered. Jerry climbs out 
               of a cab.
 
               
                             JACK
               What took you so long?

               
                             JERRY
               I live in New York. (slams the cab door) 
               What the hell happened?
 
               
               The cab drives away.

               
                             JACK
               This thing is a, is a behemoth.

               
                             JERRY
               What did you do?

               
                             JACK
               I was, I was making a, a simple lane 
               change. I, I put on the blinker
 
               and it took off on me. And the next thing you know, I was submerged. 
               I'm
 
               telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get 
               me.
 
               
               Jerry opens the door of the Cadillac and a torrent of muddy water 
               containing
 
               a couple of catfish spills out over his feet.

               
                             JERRY
               (exasperation) You are such an idiot. 
               Well, we gotta get the car
 
               cleaned up for my parents.

               
                             JACK
               (shrugging) Do whatever you want. It's 
               your car.
 
               
                             JERRY
               My car? You drove it into the swamp!
 
               
               
                             JACK
               It drove itself into the swamp! Besides, 
               I think I lost my pen, too.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (smiling with pleasure) You know, that 
               almost makes this all
 
               worthwhile.

               
               
               (The Costanza Home, Queens)

               
               Frank and Estelle sit in the living room as George walks in from 
               the front
 
               door.

               
                             GEORGE
               (pointing outside) Why is there a Cadillac 
               parked in front of the
 
               house?

               
                             FRANK
               That's your mother's new car.

               
                             GEORGE
               You bought that?

               
                             FRANK
               It's a Coupe de Elegance.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I 
               won't ride in a German car.
 
               
               George looks like he's going to say something, but then the door 
               to the
 
               kitchen opens and Kramer walks in, wearing a dressing gown and 
               pyjamas and
 
               carrying a mug of coffee. He slaps George on the back.

               
                             KRAMER
               Mornin'.

               
               Kramer walks round the stunned George, and sits on the couch.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, boy.

               
                             GEORGE
               What the hell is going on here?

               
                             KRAMER
               I had some trouble at my place, so I 
               need a little company at night
 
               to sleep.

               
                             ESTELLE
               George, your mother and I, and Kramer 
               (holds Kramer's hand) have
 
               been talking.

               
                             GEORGE
               (dread) Oh god.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, George, your parents can't blow 
               through their savings in this
 
               community. It's low-rent. Now, we feel that Florida is really 
               the place
 
               where they should be.

               
                             FRANK
               (claps his hands) You can drop a grand 
               in Disneyworld, like that.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute. (astonished) You're thinking 
               of moving to Florida
 
               again?!

               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, it's either that or we stay here, 
               near you, and just sit on
 
               the money. What do you think we should do, Georgie?

               
               George looks surprised, confused and thoughtful, all at the same 
               time.
 
               
               
               (Peterman's Office)

               
               Peterman sits behind his desk in the office which was, until 
               recently,
 
               Elaine's. Employees sit around the desk, including Morty and 
               Elaine, who
 
               sits depressed at the end of the desk.

               
                             PETERMAN
               So, anyway, effective immediately, Miss 
               Benes will return to her
 
               old position, at her original salary...

               
               Elaine does a double take at this, and looks unhappy.

               
                             PETERMAN
               ...and I, of course, will return to 
               mine. Kudos, Elaine, on a
 
               job... done.

               
                             ELAINE
               (hardly daring to ask) What about my 
               stock options?
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               I think not.

               
               Elaine puts a hand to her head and sighs.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Now, down to business. (thoughtful) 
               I have had this vision of a
 
               diaphanous rum-runner scarf.

               
               The employees take notes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, we could fly some fabric in from 
               our silk factories, for about
 
               a thousand dollars a bolt.

               
                             MORTY
               (shocked) A thousand?! I know a coupla 
               Chinamen over there on
 
               Forty-third Street, who'll do it for half that.

               
                             ELAINE
               (tactful) It's, ah, Asian-Americans.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               What?

               
                             PETERMAN
               (puzzled) Who are you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Don't worry, I...

               
                             MORTY
               Morty Seinfeld. I cut velvet for forty 
               years with Harry Altman.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t...
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine, did you hire this man?

               
                             ELAINE
               (worried) No, no. Well, I mean, you 
               know, he's more like an intern,
 
               you know, at best.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               George and Elaine sit in a booth.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, if your parents move to Florida, 
               you're poor.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (pointing out the positive) But happy.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Obviously. And if they stay, you're 
               rich, but...
 
               
               Elaine gestures with her hand.

               
                             GEORGE
               Obviously.

               
                             ELAINE
               Quite a dilemma. You know, I have a 
               bit of a dilemma of my own.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no. No, no, no. (determined) We're 
               staying on me. We haven't
 
               solved anything yet.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, this is easy. Let 'em go.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What d'you mean, let 'em go? They're 
               spending all my money.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, well, then they stay. Lemma 
               ask you something...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (upset) Could you put a little thought 
               into this? Jerry's gone, you
 
               could humour me. He humours me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Speaking of Jerry, his father is driving 
               me so crazy down at
 
               Peterman's.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know what I do at the Yankees, when 
               one of these old guys is
 
               breathing down my neck?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               You schedule a late meeting.

               
                             ELAINE
               (puzzlement) Huh? What does that do?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               These old guys, they're up at 4 a.m., 
               by two thirty they're wiped.
 
               (animated) How did we get back onto you?!

               
                             ELAINE
               (grabbing her bag and coat) I gotta 
               split.
 
               
               Elaine gets up and leaves.

               
                             GEORGE
               (shouted after Elaine) You know, I got 
               nothing outta this!
 
               
               
               (The Costanza Home, Queens)

               
               Kramer, wrapped in a quilt enters the Costanza's bedroom. Frank 
               enters from
 
               the bathroom, drying his hands with a towel.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Frank, you got two beds in here.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               That's right. That's me on the left.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               So, you sleep in separate beds.

               
                             FRANK
               Thirty years ago, we came to an agreement. 
               It was the only way I
 
               could get some rest.

               
                             KRAMER
               (intrigued) Really?

               
                             FRANK
               (confidential) Estelle's got the (jerks 
               his elbow) jimmy arms.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You can get that in your arms?

               
                             FRANK
               Like you wouldn't believe.

               
               
               (Klompus Home, Del Boca Vista)

               
               A grubby Jerry sits at the table, with Jack hovering over him.
 
               
               
                             JACK
               Jerry, it's getting late. You've cleaned 
               up the car. You've made all
 
               your phone calls. Why are you still here?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I uh, maxed out my credit cards, 
               and I don't have enough cash
 
               for a hotel room. So...

               
                             JACK
               You are uh, thinking of staying here?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well...

               
                             JACK
               (laughing) You've got some nerve. I 
               almost break my neck in that
 
               death-trap of yours, and now you ask me for a favour!

               
                             JERRY
               You didn't like that crack about the 
               pen.
 
               
                             JACK
               I did not.

               
               
               (The Costanza Home, Queens)

               
               George and his parents sit at the kitchen table, while Kramer 
               does some
 
               washing up in the sink.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I've given this a lot of thought, 
               and I've gotta say...
 
               
               George is distracted momentarily by Kramer clattering dishes. 
               He gives
 
               Kramer a look and continues.

               
                             GEORGE
               (attempting sincerity) As much as I'd 
               like to see the two of you
 
               living it up in a warm, tropical, setting, I, I would just miss 
               you too
 
               much. (smiling) So, I've decided, I want you to stay.

               
                             FRANK
               It's too late. We bought a condo at 
               Del Boca Vista. We're leaving
 
               tonight.

               
               Estelle and Frank smile at each other.

               
                             GEORGE
               (crestfallen) But you said it was my 
               call.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               We were just being nice.

               
               George looks crushed.

               
                             ESTELLE
               (motherly concern) Cosmo, are you sure 
               you're gonna be alright here
 
               alone?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, yeah. I got Emily coming over 
               tonight.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (animated) You're letting him have a 
               woman over?!
 
               
                             FRANK
               He's not family. It's different, psychologically.
 
               
               
               Kramer is examining the label on a wine bottle, as George turns 
               to look at
 
               him. He gives George a little smile.

               
               
               (Peterman's Office)

               
               The employees, including Elaine and Morty, sit round Peterman's 
               desk as he
 
               waxes lyrical about his adventures. Morty looks impatient, glancing 
               at his
 
               watch as Peterman speaks.

               
                             PETERMAN
               And so, I made an explosive out of chick 
               peas, and I stopped that
 
               great rhino right in his tracks.

               
                             MORTY
               Well, it's getting kinda late, why don't 
               we uh...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr Peterman, that can't have been the 
               only time that you faced
 
               mortal danger.

               
                             PETERMAN
               (smiles and laughs) Ha ha ha. Funny 
               you should ask, Elaine.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Look, if we're gonna stay here until 
               all hours of the night, can we
 
               at least get some food here?

               
                             PETERMAN
               (looks at his watch) It's only five 
               fifteen. So, later on that
 
               same day, I developed a great hankering for some wild honey...
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (standing) Okay, I'm done. I'll be back 
               in the morning, when he's
 
               close to finish with his story.

               
               Morty heads for the door. Peterman's voice brings him to a halt.
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               Morty. My stories are what sell these 
               clothes.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Cheap fabric, and dim lighting. That's 
               how you move merchandise.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               (winks) Morty, you're out.

               
                             MORTY
               (unconcerned) Ach, I never knew what 
               the hell I was peddling with
 
               those stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway.

               
               Morty walks out, leaving a not entirely unhappy Elaine behind.
 
               
               
               
               (Animation)

               
               An arrow is drawn on the East Coast map, this time from Queens 
               to Del Boca
 
               Vista.

               
               
               (Street, Del Boca Vista)

               
               Frank walks along the sidewalk, past a familiar looking Cadillac. 
               Something
 
               catches his eye, and he looks into the car. A figure is asleep 
               on the back
 
               seat with his face covered. Frank 'gives a what is the world 
               coming to' look
 
               and throws up his hands as he walks away.

               
               After he leaves, the figure shifts in his sleep, turning over. 
               It's Jerry,
 
               sleeping in his parent's Cadillac.

               
               
               (The Costanza Home, Queens)

               
               Kramer stands in the doorway of the bathroom, while Emily sits 
               on Estelle's
 
               bed, reading a paperback.

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know why I let you talk me into 
               that corned beef at
 
               Snitzer's.

               
                             EMILY
               (not looking up from her book) No-one 
               held a gun to your head.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (dismissive) Yeah.

               
                             EMILY
               (still reading) Don't forget, we're 
               eating dinner at the Feinerman's
 
               tomorrow night.

               
                             KRAMER
               (moody) Oh, why do I have to go? They're 
               your friends.
 
               
                             EMILY
               You like 'em.

               
                             KRAMER
               I've had it with 'em.

               
               Kramer disappears into the bathroom.

               
                             EMILY
               Then we won't go.

               
               Kramer reemerges with a glass of water.

               
                             KRAMER
               (yielding) Okay, okay. What time?

               
                             EMILY
               Eight thirty.

               
               Kramer downs the glass of water in one go, and then belches.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (satisfied) Ahh. That was alright.
 
               
               
               Emily smiles at him, then returns to her book.

               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry, George and Elaine sit in a booth. Jerry drinking coffee, 
               George
 
               eating and Elaine reading from the pages of a newspaper.

               
                             ELAINE
               'One bright note in today's market, 
               was the stock of retailer J
 
               Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of 
               twelve and a
 
               half points.'

               
               Elaine folds the paper and drops it on the table.

               
                             JERRY
               Mmm-mmm-mmm. That means, if you still 
               had those stock options...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (downcast) Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Jerry-style) That's a shame.

               
                             ELAINE
               (sharp) What, are you sticking it to 
               me?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (innocent) What?

               
                             ELAINE
               I think you're sticking it to me.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, I'm sure George is just being 
               sympathetic.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (leaning forward and accusing) Stickin' 
               it!
 
               
               George doesn't meet Elaine's stare.

               
                             JERRY
               You're not alone. I'm practically broke.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               No. But, I did blow over twenty thousand 
               on that Cadillac.
 
               
               George takes another forkful of what's on his plate.

               
                             GEORGE
               (relishing) Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Delicious.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you seem happy.

               
                             GEORGE
               I am. The folks are twelve hundred miles 
               away. (gleeful) I'm basking
 
               in the buffer zone. (looks for the waitress) 'Nother piece of 
               pie here!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So, were your parents shocked to see 
               the Cadillac?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Actually, I haven't heard from 'em yet.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm.

               
               
               (Florida)

               
               Morty and Helen sit on a couch, reading magazines.

               
                             MORTY
               When are we gonna tell Jerry?

               
                             HELEN
               I don't wanna worry him. We'll tell 
               him next time we go up.
 
               
                             MORTY
               He thought he could buy back that Cadillac 
               for us? He's not getting
 
               away with that.

               
               It's revealed that the Seinfelds are in a trailer parked behind 
               the
 
               Cadillac.

               
                             HELEN
               Besides, that condo was too much house.
 
               
               
               
               (The Costanza Home, Del Boca Vista)

               
               Estelle is sitting on the couch in the condo, while Frank peers 
               out of the
 
               window.

               
                             ESTELLE
               How many times can you check the car?
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               (coming away from the window) I saw 
               a bum sleeping in a Cadillac the
 
               other day.

               
               Frank sits in a chair.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Why would someone break into a car to 
               take a nap?
 
               
                             FRANK
               They don't nap. They make it their home. 
               They urinate in there!
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               (shouts) You're driving me crazy!

               
                             FRANK
               (standing) That's it, we're going back 
               to Queens. (claps hands)
 
               Where's my hat?

               
               Frank walks out of the room.

               
                             ESTELLE
               (shouts) Nooh!
               



               
                             THE END





The Money



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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