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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE MOVIE



                             Written by

              Steve Skrovan, Bill Masters & John Hayman




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               What's with the age gap hiring policy 
               at most movie theaters? Didja
 
               
               ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen...
 
               
               
               and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you 
               the
 
               
               ticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket, 
               he's a
 
               
               hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You
 
               
               
               couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life
 
               
               
               comes full circle. You're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then 
               you
 
               
               leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career,
 
               
               
               grandchildren, eighty years later, you're back in the same theater
 
               
               
               three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move
 
               
               
               three feet.

               
                             
               32 seconds)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You don't understand. I got this all 
               timed out. I got another
 
               
               
               
               
                             KERNIS
               I hear you, guy.

               
                             JERRY
               And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You 
               know, I gotta work out the
 
               
               material!

               
               
               
               
                             KERNIS
               Why don't you come back and do the 11 
               o'clock spot?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I'm supposed to meet my friends 
               to see this movie "CheckMate"
 
               
                             AT 10
               30.

               
               
               
                             BUCKLES
               Hey, Jer!

               
                             JERRY
               (not losing a step) Heeeeyyyyyyyy..... 
               (and out the door)
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, do you have a ticket?

               
                             MAN
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay. Good.

               
               
               
               
                             BUCKLES
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               What are (you) doing here?

               
                             BUCKLES
               Hey, do you think this is funny? "Why 
               do they call it athlete's
 
               
               foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my
 
               
               
               father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!"
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I've been *dying* to see "CheckMate".
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, if it's as good as "Ponce de Leon", 
               I'll be happy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               "Ponce de Leon", are you kidding me? 
               I hated that movie!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               "Ponce de Leon"? But that was great!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, (come on). That Fountain of Youth 
               scene at the end, where
 
               
               they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to 
               the
 
               
               mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! (laughing 
               too
 
               
               hard to continue) That's stupid!

               
                             GEORGE
               Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked 
               in that mirror and saw
 
               
               that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his
 
               
               
               cheek? ... I lost it.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa 
               King.
 
               
                             G+E
               No, wait!

               
                             GEORGE
               You're not going to get back here in 
               time!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You can get a hot dog in the theater.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't wanna get a movie hot dog!
 
               
               
               (in tears) I want a Papaya King hot dog!

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any 
               second, and then this line is
 
               
               going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front 
               row.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, just save me a seat.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               No! I don't want to save seats. Don't 
               put me through that! I once
 
               
               had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving
 
               
               
               incident!

               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm in line to buy.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, George, this is the ticket-(holders) 
               line.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No it's not, it's the ticket-(buyers) 
               line.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Then how come we're not moving?

               
                             KRAMER
               Good question.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Is this the ticket holders line, or 
               the buyers?
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Holders.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               But I asked you before if you had a 
               ticket, and you said no!
 
               
                             MAN
               I didn't. My friend was getting it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (furious) Good. It's good to be accurate 
               like that.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Can you believe him?

               
                             KRAMER
               He's spaced out.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               How long would *you* have stood in the 
               ticket-holders line?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (thinks for a while)

               
                             ELAINE
               (gives up) Yeah, exactly...

               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's the same movie! What's the difference?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It's not a theater, it's like a room 
               where they bring in POWs to
 
               
               show them propaganda films.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to taxi driver) Take the Park!

               
                             BUCKLES
               No no no, take 55th.

               
               
               
                             BUCKLES
               Jerry, I want you to do me a favor. 
               No more fish!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare 
               will end)
 
               
               Okay, I get your point!

               
                             BUCKLES
               I had a point?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, you know what else is playing here? 
               "Rochelle Rochelle".
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Sigh/Ugh.

               
                             GEORGE
               I wouldn't mind seein' (that).

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. You know, men can sit through 
               the most boring movie if
 
               
               there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will

               
               take her top off.

               
                             GEORGE
               So what's your point?

               
               
                             GEORGE
               By the way, you owe me seven fifty.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I don't have any change.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well, then I'll pay you later.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Or, I could take the twenty, then I 
               could pay *you* later.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, you *could*...

               
                             GEORGE
               Might be easier.

               
                             ELAINE
               I mean, how is that easier? I mean, 
               then you would owe me twelve
 
               
               fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty.

               
                             GEORGE
               (trying to act as if he doesn't care 
               one way or the other, but we
 
               
               know better) Either way.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               So... Can I have it?

               
                             ELAINE
               I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn 
               and the soda.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Whaddya mean, you'll "get" the popcorn 
               and the soda?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll 
               call it even.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I tell you what, you give me the twenty, 
               and I will buy
 
               
               *you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons.

               
                             ELAINE
               (exasperated) George, you're sappin' 
               my strength.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You go in and save seats.

               
                             ELAINE
               (in a panic) Me!? But that's three seats! 
               I can't save three
 
               
               seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             BUCKLES
               Jerry, I want you to have this piece 
               of material.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's very nice of you, but I can't 
               do the voices.
 
               
                             BUCKLES
               Jerry! Don't start up with me!

               
                             JERRY
               I gotta get out of this cab...

               
                             BUCKLES
               But Jerry, quit riffing!

               
                             JERRY
               No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do 
               you understand the
 
               
               difference?

               
                             BUCKLES
               (pause) Can you help me get on The Tonight 
               Show?
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, these are saved.

               
                             MAN
               All of them? C'mon, you can't take *four* 
               seats.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What, is that a rule?

               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, why don't *you* go, and I could 
               save the seats. You said you
 
               
               didn't like saving anyway.

               
                             ELAINE
               (stopping someone from sitting in the 
               seat next to her)
 
               
               No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken.

               
               (to George) (shrugs) I'm getting the hang of it.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why don't you give me the twenty, and 
               I'll stop and get change,
 
               
               and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle.

               
                             ELAINE
               Can we do this later, George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Psh. What's the point of even discussing 
               it? (condescendingly
 
               
               takes her hand and pats it) You'll give me the money when you 
               have
 
               
               it. (takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders)
 
               
               
               I, I trust you.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Could you do me a favor? If you see 
               a guy that's five foot eleven,
 
               
               he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's
 
               
               
               going to be right back, okay?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ...
 
               
               
               They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ...

               
               What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken!

               
                             WOMAN
               Which one?

               
                             ELAINE
               These two and this one. ...

               
               No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go!

               
               These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!!

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, take 'em.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with 
               like a horse face,
 
               
               big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose?

               
                             CLERK
               ... flared nostrils?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             CLERK
               Nope, haven't seen him.

               
               
               
               
                             BUCKLES
               Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? 
               And if I'm out of line,
 
               
               *please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet
 
               
               
               for a few months?

               
                             JERRY
               Your trench coat in my closet?

               
               
                             BUCKLES
               Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills, 
               I'm afraid to open the
 
               
               door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in
 
               
               
               the world.

               
               
               
                             BUCKLES
               We should see "Rochelle Rochelle". I 
               hear it's really hot.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No thanks, maybe some other time.

               
                             BUCKLES
               Really? Do you really mean that?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't.

               
               
                             BUCKLES
               You liked the athlete's foot bit, right?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta 
               get a message to 'em.
 
               
               Mind if I walk through real quick?

               
                             USHER
               (indicates "okay")

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, did that guy show up?

               
                             CLERK
               The guy with the... horse face... and 
               the big teeth...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, the guy with the big head and the 
               flared nostrils.
 
               
                             CLERK
               Haven't seen him. There was a short 
               guy with glasses...
 
               
               Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left.

               
               
                             WOMAN
               So I got home, and he was vacuuming! 
               I mean, he's twelve years old!
 
               
               Who else but my Alan would do something like that?

               
               
                             WOMAN
               And then last night, he put on my high 
               heels. Oh, he put on such a
 
               
               show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to "A Chorus
 
               
               
               Line", I mean you can see he's got talent.

               
                             ELAINE
               (annoyed) Excuse me, excuse me.

               
                             WOMAN
               What's the problem?

               
                             ELAINE
               (momentarily shocked, as if the answer 
               were self-evident)
 
               
               You're talking.

               
                             WOMAN
               It's the "Coming Attractions".

               
               
                             WOMAN
               So anyway, he sings, he dances. And 
               do you know what he's gotten
 
               
               into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe...

               
               
                             USHER
               Ticket, sir?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, I just went out, I went to look 
               for my friend?
 
               
                             USHER
               Do you have your stub?

               
                             GEORGE
               (as if the word were totally foreign) 
               My `stub'?
 
               
                             USHER
               Mm hm.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You don't remember me?

               
                             USHER
               It's a big city, sir.

               
                             GEORGE
               I went in with a pretty woman? You know, 
               kinda short, big wall o'
 
               
               hair, face like a frying pan?

               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (whispering) Elaine?

               
               (loud whisper) Elaine!

               
               (louder whisper) Elaine!

               
               
                             GEORGE
               (quite out loud, not even pretending 
               to whisper) Elaine!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             NARRATOR
               The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. 
               A young woman's
 
               
               strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

               
               
               
                             NARRATOR
               It's a story about life. And love. And 
               becoming a woman.
 
               
               "Rochelle Rochelle", now playing at Paradise 2.

               
               
               
               
               
                             
               13:38)

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke?
 
               
               
                             CLERK
               Do you want the Medium size or the middle 
               size?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What's the difference?

               
                             CLERK
               Well, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, 
               and Jumbo.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (momentarily perplexed) What happened 
               to the small?
 
               
                             CLERK
               There is no small. Small is Medium.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What's... medium?

               
                             CLERK
               Medium is Large, and large is Jumbo.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh-kay. Gimme the large.

               
                             CLERK
               That's medium.

               
                             ELAINE
               Right. Yeah. (fearing the answer) Could 
               I have a small popcorn?
 
               
                             CLERK
               There is no small. (flash of perky inspiration) 
               Child-size is small.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What's `medium'?

               
                             CLERK
               Adult.

               
                             ELAINE
               Do adults ever order the child-size?
 
               
               
                             CLERK
               (chuckling) Not usually.

               
                             ELAINE
               (laughs appreciably) Okay, gimme the 
               `adult'.
 
               
                             CLERK
               Do you want butter?

               
                             ELAINE
               Is it *real* butter?

               
                             CLERK
               (perkily) It's butter-*flavored*!

               
                             ELAINE
               (exasperated) What is it made of?

               
                             CLERK
               (perkily) It's yellow!

               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               44th and 9th.

               
                             DRIVER
               Have you got a cigarette?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
               
                             USHER
               Ticket, sir?

               
                             GEORGE
               We've just been through this! You don't 
               remember? We just had
 
               
               this exact same conversation a minute ago!

               
                             USHER
               I need to see your stub.

               
                             GEORGE
               (realizing the only way out is to show 
               the stub) I've got the stub.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               There you go, okay? That's my *other* 
               friend's ticket.
 
               
               You happy now? You got two tickets.

               
               
               
               
                             USHER
               Ticket, sir?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, no, see, my friend already bought 
               me a ticket.
 
               
               I'm late, and she's inside.

               
                             USHER
               Go ahead.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Is that seat taken?

               
                             WOMAN BEHIND ELAINE
               It's all yours.

               
               
               
                             DRIVER
               I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes.
 
               
               
               I have to stop for gasoline.

               
                             JERRY
               Gasoline? Can't you get it after you 
               drop me off?
 
               
                             DRIVER
               (taken aback) No! Impossible! It is 
               on `Empty'!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             MAN
               You're soaking wet. Who are you?

               
                             ROCHELLE
               My name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan.
 
               
               
               I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.

               
                             MAN
               Here, stand by the fire. Take off those 
               wet clothes,
 
               
               you'll catch cold.

               
                             ROCHELLE
               Oh, my hand's so cold, I can barely 
               get these buttons open.
 
               
               
                             ROCHELLE
               Oh, that's much better. Much...

               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I just went to get popcorn... Ugh... 
               (shakes more popcorn)
 
               
               I just went to get popcorn, okay?

               
               And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there!
 
               
               
                             USHER
               There's a seat in the front row.

               
                             ELAINE
               No no, I can't sit in the front row.
 
               
               
                             USHER
               Well, you're going to have to wait, 
               then.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't stand around here for *two hours*!
 
               
               
                             USHER
               I could let you see "Rochelle Rochelle".
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (heavy sarcasm) Oh. Thanks.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you 
               seen a tall... lanky...
 
               
               doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of
 
               
               
               Frankenstein?

               
                             USHER
               Haven't seen him.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, did I make it?

               
                             KERNIS
               Sorry.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, great. That's great. What a night.
 
               
               
               
                             ANNOUNCER
               Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen.
 
               
               
               Another round of applause for Pat Buckles!

               
               
                             JERRY
               You got my spot?

               
                             BUCKLES
               That athlete's foot bit killed!

               
                             JERRY
               Really...

               
                             BUCKLES
               Do you think I need to lose some weight?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Weight? Naw. Just need some more height.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               My whole night's ruined.

               
               I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies...

               
                             BUCKLES
               Come on, we can still catch most of 
               "Rochelle Rochelle".
 
               
                             JERRY
               "Rochelle Rochelle", huh?

               
                             BUCKLES
               A young girl's strange, erotic journey 
               from Milan to Minsk.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (his interest piqued) Minsk?

               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, gimme a break!

               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine!

               
                             VOICE
               (whispered) Shut up.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               George! (waves hi)

               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, where's Kramer?

               
                             VOICE
               (whispered) Will you shut up?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. Does this movie stink 
               or what!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Let's get outta here. (to Buckles) I'll 
               see ya.
 
               
                             BUCKLES
               You're leaving?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
               
                             BUCKLES
               (holding out his coat) Jerry, take the 
               coat. Please. One month.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't want the coat.

               
                             BUCKLES
               Jerry! Call me when you get home so 
               I know you're okay!
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (studying his jacket) Oh man! Look at 
               this! I sat in gum.
 
               
               Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty.

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't even use the ticket!

               
                             GEORGE
               I still paid for it!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I only have a twenty.

               
                             ELAINE
               That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did 
               you get that?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It was on the seat...

               
                             ELAINE
               *YOU* took my seat!?

               
                             GEORGE
               You uh owe me for the ticket.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, right...

               
                             ELAINE
               What is that stain (on my coat)?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's yellow mustard. (To George) Can 
               you break a twenty?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I always get confused in the movie theater 
               by the, by the plot. 
               
               It's embarrassing. It's an embarrassment to have to admit,
               
               but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie               
               
               guy from the (beginning)... Ohhhhhhhhhh..." Nobody will explain 
               it 
               
               to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out.
               
               (whispering to imaginary friends seated around him) "Why did 
               they 
               
               kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? 
               What 
               
               was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why                
               
               would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* 
               with 
               
               them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed
               
               him."

               
               
               
                                  THE END



The Movie



Writers :   Steve Skrovan  Bill Masters  John Hayman
Genres :   Comedy


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