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ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE MUFFIN TOPS



                             Written by

                           Spike Feresten




 
               
               
               (Jerry and George walking down the street.)

               
                             JERRY
               Hang on just let me pick up a paper.
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Excuse me. Would you mind watching my 
               bag for a minute?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. No problem.

               
                             JERRY
               Let's go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               For how long?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sure he'll be back in a second.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Come on.

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me sir. Would you mind watching 
               my bag for a minute?
 
               
                             MAN 2
               Why? So I can stand here like an idiot 
               not knowing if you'll ever come back?
 
               
               
               Jerry starts to leave.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where are you going?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm going to be this guy's friend.
 
               
               
               (Commercial)

               
               Jerry and George at Monk's.

               
                             JERRY
               New clothes?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. I did some shopping. Some new 
               clothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can 
               I borrow your menu?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Strange. For new pants, there's noticable 
               wear on the buttocks of those chinos. 
               Wait those are the clothes from the 
               bag!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The guy never came back.

               
                             JERRY
               He asked you to watch them not wear 
               them.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm still watching them.

               
                             JERRY
               You look like a tourist.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, let me ask you something: 
               When do you start to worry about ear 
               hair?
 
               
                             JERRY
               When you hear like a soft russeling.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's like puberty that never stops. 
               Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, 
               you gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you 
               this: Do you know where Walker Street 
               is downtown? I've got a league meeting 
               there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh right, the new job, how is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I love it. New office, new salary. I'm 
               the new Wilhelm.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So who's the new you?

               
                             GEORGE
               They got a new intern from Francis Louis 
               High. His name is Keith. He comes in 
               Mondays after school.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh hi Alex.

               
                             ALEX
               I'm sorry I'm late. Have you ordered 
               yet?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             ALEX
               I'll be right back.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where are you meeting these women? When 
               they get off the bus at the port authority?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Right here, George. In here. (pointing 
               to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll 
               find the biggest dating scene in the 
               world.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Thanks. Thanks a lot.

               
               Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Kramer searches in Jerry's couch 
               for something and picks it up. Elaine enters. Kramer hurriedly 
               puts the cushions back on the couch. (What was he looking for 
               anyway? Anything specific?)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Where's Jerry?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well he's in the shower. You want me 
               to get him?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No. No no. Actually I kind of need to 
               speak to you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well let's sit down.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, ahem, remember that whole deal 
               with you selling Peterman your stories 
               for his book and then he gave them back 
               to you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Vaguely.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well I was kind of, hehehe, short on 
               material and I, um, I put them in the 
               book anyway.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You put my life's stories in his autobiography?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer listen, it is such a stupid book. 
               It doesn't matter.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh no. Sure. It matters. Wow. I've broken 
               through, huh. I'm part of popular culture 
               now. Listen I've got to thank Mr. Peterman.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks 
               this afternoon.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Waldenbooks? That's a major chain huh.
 
               
               
               Kramer enters the bathroom.

               
                             KRAMER
               He Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't 
               want to live like this.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, let's go.

               
               At Waldenbooks.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Lippman, how are you?

               
                             MR LIPPMAN
               Well I'm not bad. Not bad.

               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing here?

               
                             MR LIPPMAN
               I work for Pundant Publishishing. This 
               is our book.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
                             MR LIPPMAN
               If you can call it that. Why is it every 
               half-wit and sitcom star has his own 
               book out now?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey buddy. Remember me?

               
                             MR PETERMAN
               You're that gangly fellow we bought 
               the stories from.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's 
               your name darling?
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Who are you?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm the real Peterman.

               
                             MR PETERMAN
               All right playtime's over.

               
                             KRAMER
               Relax man. There's enough juice here 
               to keep us all fat and giggley.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               I can't believe somebody pulled the 
               top off of this muffin.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like 
               the stumps.
 
               
                             MR LIPPMAN
               So you just eat the tops.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy, 
               it's explosive, it's where the muffin 
               breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes 
               hand motions) does it's own thing. I'll 
               tell you. That's a million dollor idea 
               right there. Just sell the tops.
 
               
               Two men forcefully pick Kramer up and push him out of the store.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I have a right to be here. These are 
               my fans. Hey you're hurting my elbow.
 
               
               
               George is walking down the street looking down at his map. He 
               is bumping into people.
 
               
                             MAN 1
               Try looking up hayseed.

               
                             MAN 2
               You wanna sightsee? Get on a bus.

               
                             MARY ANNE
               Please don't think all New Yorkers are 
               so rude.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well actually I'm...

               
                             MARY ANNE
               I'm Mary Anne. I work for the New York 
               Visitor's Center. Where are you visiting 
               from?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Little Rock, Arkensas.

               
                             MARY ANNE
               Ooh.

               
               Jerry is in his bathroom shaving. He thinks. He tilts the mirror 
               down.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hmm. That looks new.

               
               He thinks some more. He picks up his razor.

               
                             KRAMER
               So get this. Peterman has his henchmen 
               forcefully eject me from the book signing 
               like I'm some kind of a maniac.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What's the matter with you?

               
                             JERRY
               (uncomfortably) Nothing.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no. Don't give me that. I know 
               you. Something's wrong. What is it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I did something stupid.

               
                             KRAMER
               What did you do?

               
                             JERRY
               Well I was shaving. And I noticed an 
               asymmetry in my chest hair and I was 
               trying to even it out. Next thing I 
               knew, (high pitched voice) Gone.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Don't you know you're not supposed to 
               poke around down there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well women do it.

               
                             KRAMER
               (high pitched voice) "Well women do 
               it." I'll tell you what. I'll pick you 
               up a sundress and a parasol and you 
               can just (high pitched voice) sashey 
               your pretty little self around the town 
               square.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well what am I going to tell Alex?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Listen to me. You don't tell anybody 
               about this. No one. You hear me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Um hum.

               
               George enters

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry shaved his chest.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey!

               
                             KRAMER
               I forgot. Wait. Never mind.

               
               Jerry and Alex walking.

               
                             ALEX
               How about the beach this weekend?

               
                             JERRY
               You couldn't pay me enough to go to 
               the beach on a weekend. I mean it's 
               hard enough...
 
               
                             ALEX
               All right. All right. Wow is that a 
               Mexican Hairless? Oh, I love those. 
               Ooh, Hairless. This is where it's at. 
               It's so much smoother and cleaner.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
               Elaine walks into a muffin shop.

               
                             ELAINE
               "Top of the Muffin to you!"?

               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               Top of the muffin to you. Elaine!

               
                             ELAINE
               Mr Lippman?

               
               George and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               So you're pretending to be a tourist?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. 
               I'm not from around here so it's okay 
               if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only 
               in town visiting so there's no messy 
               breakup
 
               
                             JERRY
               How do you explain your apartment?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I got a hotel room.

               
                             JERRY
               you moved into a hotel?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I don't know anyone here Jerry. 
               Where else am I going to stay?
 
               
                             JERRY
               So get this: we're in the park today 
               Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               So. I figure since she likes one hairless 
               animal why not another.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh really. You tell her you shaved it?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Are you nuts? I don't want her to think 
               I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys 
               who shaves his chest.
 
               
               Kramer is in a school bus. He honks his horn. Camera shot down 
               on the bus.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (yelling up at Jerry) Hey Jerry.

               
               Jerry pulls up the blinds on his upstairs window and looks down.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (yelling) I'm starting a Peterman Reality 
               Bus Tour. Check it out. Hahaha.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Reality tour?

               
                             JERRY
               The last thing this guy's qualified 
               to give a tour of is reality.
 
               
               Elaine at the muffin shop.

               
                             ELAINE
               This was my idea you stole my idea.
 
               
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               Elaine these ideas are all in the air. 
               They're in the air.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well if that air is comming out of this 
               face then it is my air and my idea.
 
               
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               You want a muffin or not?

               
                             ELAINE
               Peach.

               
               Gerge and Mary Anne at Monks.

               
                             MARY ANNE
               So I notice you don't have much of an 
               accent.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah my parents have it. Sometimes it 
               skips a generation.
 
               
                             MARY ANNE
               Look george, I'm really enjoying spending 
               time with you but I'm not sure this 
               is going to work out. At some point 
               you're going back to your job at Tyler 
               Chicken and your three-legged dog Willie.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Willie. Yeah.

               
                             MARY ANNE
               And I'm still going to be here.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well what if I told you I'm thinking 
               of moving here?
 
               
                             MARY ANNE
               (laughs) George, no offense. But this 
               city would eat you alive.
 
               
               (Commercial)

               
                             JERRY
               You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. 
               I can see you all the time now.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can 
               make it in *this* town.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is it she think you can't do?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Find a job. Get an apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               How did you do those things?

               
                             GEORGE
               Never mind. The're done. All I have 
               to do now is redo them. You know if 
               you take everything I've ever done in 
               my entire life and condense it down 
               into one day, it looks decent.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, what were you doing with that bus 
               yesterday?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Here you go, here you go, check it out.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               "The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour". 
               I'm confused.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Peterman's book is big business. People 
               want to know the stories behind the 
               stories.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus 
               tour of a totally unknown person's life.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get 
               a pizza bagel and desert.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What's desert?

               
                             KRAMER
               Bite-size Three Musketeers. Just like 
               the real Peterman eats.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He eats those?

               
                             KRAMER
               No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I think I understand this. Jay Peterman 
               is real. His biography is not. Now, 
               you Kramer are real.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Talk to me.

               
                             GEORGE
               But your life is Peterman's. Now the 
               bus tour, which is real, takes to places 
               that, while they are real, they are 
               not real in sense that they did not 
               *really* happen to the *real* Peterman 
               which is you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Understand?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
 
               
               
               Elaine and Mr. Lippman at Monk's.

               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               Elaine. I'm in over my head. Nobody 
               likes my muffin tops.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So? What do you want me to do about 
               it?
 
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               You're the muffin top expert, tell me 
               what I'm doing wrong.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at 
               Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, 
               you know as a man of integrity. But, 
               I saw you in that paper hat and that 
               aprin...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Deal. Here's your problem. You're making 
               just the muffin tops. You've gotta make 
               the *whole* muffin. Then you... Pop 
               the top, toss the stump. Taste.
 
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               Ah. (takes a bite of the top.) Mmmmm. 
               Ah hah?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               So what do we with the bottoms?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know, give em to a soup kitchen.
 
               
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               That's a good idea.

               
                             ELAINE
               And one more thing, you really think 
               we need the exclamation point? Because, 
               it's not "Top of the Muffin *TO YOU!!!*"
 
               
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               No. No. It is.

               
               At Jerry's apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette? 
               What's going on?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What? Can't I get a moment's peace?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What are you doing to yourself?

               
               Jerry walks into camera view with his chest covered with shaving 
               cream.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally 
               hairless.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You can't keep this up. Don't you know 
               what's going to happen? Everytime you 
               shave it, it's going to come in thicker 
               and fuller and darker.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh that's an old wives tale.

               
                             KRAMER
               Is it? Look at this.

               
               Kramer walks off-screen and opens his shirt. On-screen, Jerry 
               reels from the sight.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (high pitched voice) Look at it! Look 
               at it! And it's all me. I shaved there 
               when I was a lifeguard.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh come on. That's genetics. That's 
               not going to happen to me.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Won't it? Or is it already starting 
               to happen?
 
               
               Elain at the muffin shop.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wow. Look at this. We're cleaning up.
 
               
               
               Lippman Oh, Rubin, get me another tray of lowfat cranberry.
 
               
               
                             REBECCA
               Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the 
               homeless shelter.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi.

               
                             REBECCA
               Are you the ones leaveing the muffing 
               pieces behind our shelter?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You been enjoying them?

               
                             REBECCA
               They're just stumps.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well they're perfectly edible.

               
                             REBECCA
               Oh, so you just assume that the homeless 
               will eat them, they'll eat anything?
 
               
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               No no, we just thought...

               
                             REBECCA
               I know what you thought. They don't 
               have homes, they don't have jobs, what 
               do they need the top of a muffin for? 
               They're lucky to get the stumps.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               If the homeless don't like them the 
               homeless don't have to eat them.
 
               
                             REBECCA
               The homeless don't like them.

               
                             ELAINE
               Fine.

               
                             REBECCA
               We've never gotten so many complaints. 
               Every two minutes, "Where is the top 
               of this muffin? Who ate the rest of 
               this?"
 
               
                             ELAINE
               We were just trying to help.

               
                             REBECCA
               Why don't you just drop off some chicken 
               skins and lobster shells.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I think I might.

               
               Mary Anne and George at George's "new" apartment.

               
                             MARY ANNE
               I can't believe you found something 
               so quickly. How much you pay?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               $2300.

               
                             MARY ANNE
               Ouch. A month?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             MARY ANNE
               Well, guess that's all right for now, 
               but if you say here for more than a 
               few months, you're a real sucker.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, well I uh got lots of other stuff 
               to show you too. Wait till you see the 
               plum job that I landed.
 
               
                             MARY ANNE
               Yeah. We should let this place air out 
               anyway. It smells like the last tenant 
               had monkeys or something.
 
               
               Mary Anne exits. George sniffs his armpit.

               
               On Kramer's bus.

               
                             KRAMER
               Comming up on the right, if you glance 
               up you can just make out my bedroom 
               window. It's the one that's covered 
               in chicken wire.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Hey if you're the real Peterman, who 
               come you're wearing those ratty clothes? 
               The're not very romantic.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (over the speaker) Well that's your 
               opinion.
 
               
                             MAN 1
               Can I have another Three Musketeers? 
               They're rather small.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Forget it. Okay Newman's postal route 
               is around here somewhere.
 
               
                             MAN 2
               Who's Newman?

               
                             MAN 3
               Who cares.

               
                             MAN 4
               Hey fake Peterman, let me off. I'm nautious.
 
               
               
                             MAN 1
               Can I have his candy bar?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ahh. Everyone just settle down. We have 
               three hours left on this thing, and 
               I can't drive and argue with you rubes 
               all at the same time.
 
               
               Okay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here.

               
               At Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               Why do I have to go on the tour?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry you're a minor celebrity. If you 
               go on this thing, it could create a 
               minor stir. Bring that girlfriend of 
               your and I'll only charge to 60 bucks.
 
               
               
               Elaine enters

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, how's business?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ooh, I've got stump troubles. The Sanitation 
               Department won't get rid of them all, 
               I can't get a truck to haul this stuff 
               until next week. Meanwhile, I'm sitting 
               on a mountain of stumps.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, I've got to hose the puke 
               off the floor of the bus.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute, bus? 
               You've got a bus?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               You got any room on that thing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah there are a few seats still available.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Do you think you could transport some 
               stumps for me? I'll make it worth your 
               while.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, if they don't mind sitting in 
               the back.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No they don't.

               
                             KRAMER
               Are they war veterans?

               
               Elaine looks at him confused.

               
               In George's office.

               
                             MARY ANNE
               Wow this is your office.

               
                             MR. STEINBRENNER
               Woah. Hello. Sorry George, didn't know 
               you got a girl in here. Give me a signal 
               on the doornob like a necktie or a sock 
               or something. Come on George, help me 
               out.
 
               
                             MARY ANNE
               Mr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank 
               you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor 
               at Tyler Chicken like our boy George 
               here.
 
               
                             MR. STEINBRENNER
               Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. Very nice to have had her to mention... 
               (starting to leave)
 
               
                             MR. STEINBRENNER
               Wait a minute George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Be right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner.
 
               
               
                             MR. STEINBRENNER
               Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty 
               impressive George. Days with the New 
               York Yankees and nights in Arkensas 
               with a top flight bird outlet. And a 
               hen supervisor to boot. I am blown. 
               Bloooown away. Blown George. (vibration 
               in the "o"'s) Bloooooooooooooooooooown.
 
               
               
               On Kramer's bus.

               
                             ALEX
               You know when you make a pizza bagel, 
               you really shouldn't use cinnimon rasin.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You also shouldn't use a donut.

               
               Kramer gets on the bus. He starts the tape player playing banjo 
               music.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right ladies and gentlemen. Welcome 
               to the Peterman Reality Tour...
 
               
                             TAPE PLAYER
               Turn music off.

               
                             JERRY
               Can we just go?

               
                             KRAMER
               And go we will.

               
                             MAN
               What is this? A piece of pound cake?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               We have a bonus reality stop today. 
               We will be hauling muffin stumps to 
               the local repository.
 
               
                             MAN 2
               We're going to a garbage dump?

               
                             KRAMER
               And we're off.

               
                             JERRY
               You know I never though he would be 
               able to recreate the experience of actually 
               knowing him, but this is pretty close.
 
               
               
               Mr. Steinbrenner is sitting at his desk on the phone with the 
               manager at Tyler chicken who is also sitting at his desk.
 
               
                             MR. STEINBRENNER
               (the back of his head to the camera) 
               John Tyler? George Steinbreener here. 
               I want to talk about George Castanza. 
               I understand he's been dividing his 
               time between us and you. I cannot have 
               that.
 
               
                             JOHN TYLER
               (the back of his head also to the camera) 
               Well I don't know who he is but if you 
               want him that bad I'm not giving him 
               up that easily.
 
               
                             MR. STEINBRENNER
               Oh is that so. Playing a little hardball 
               huh Jonnyboy?
 
               
                             JOHN TYLER
               How about this. You give me Castanza, 
               I convert your concessions to all chicken 
               no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken 
               dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. 
               Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.
 
               
               
                             MR. STEINBRENNER
               How do you make that alcoholic chicken?
 
               
               
                             JOHN TYLER
               Let if ferment, just like everything 
               else.
 
               
                             MR. STEINBRENNER
               That stuff sounds great. All right. 
               I'll have Costanza on the next bus.
 
               
               
               Kramer at a garbage dump carrying a garbage bag.

               
                             MAN
               Hey hey hey hey hey. Where do you think 
               you're going?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I was going to dump this.

               
                             MAN
               It doesn't look like garbage.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well it's muffin stumps

               
                             MAN
               Where are the muffin tops?

               
                             KRAMER
               This is a garbage dump. Just let me 
               dump it.
 
               
                             MAN
               Can't do it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Is this a joke?

               
                             MAN
               That's what I'd like to know about it.
 
               
               
                             ALEX
               You have a pretty heavy beard, don't 
               you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's that?

               
                             ALEX
               Well look it's almost time for you to 
               shave again.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh. Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               (gets back on the bus, yelling) Well 
               maybe I will take it up with Consumer 
               Affairs.
 
               
               Ladies and Gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. We're 
               going to extend the tour at no extra charge.
 
               
                             MAN
               Where are we going?

               
                             KRAMER
               (looking at a map) I don't know. (over 
               the speaker) Uh, no more questions.
 
               
               
               Banjo music plays as they look for garbage dumps.

               
               Next scene. Kramer argues with someone at a dump.

               
               Next scene. A man vomits on the floor.

               
               Next scene. Kramer is driving. He is sleepy. His head nods down 
               onto the horn. The horn blows. Startled, Kramer sits back up.
 
               
               
               Banjo music finishes.

               
                             WAITRESS
               So, the New York Yankees traded you 
               for a bunch of Tyler chicken.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Dogs, twists, a kind of fermented chicken 
               drink.
 
               
                             MAN
               Hey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch 
               my clothes?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What clothes?

               
                             MAN
               These clothes. The ones you're wearing.
 
               
               
               On Kramer's bus.

               
                             JERRY
               (in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer 
               how much longer? My chest hair is comming 
               back and it's itching me like crazy. 
               I can't let her see me scratch it.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Don't worry. I've got a good feeling 
               about this dump.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm telling you man, I'm losing it.
 
               
               
               Kramer gets off the bus, carrying a garbage bag.

               
               Eerie music is playing. Jerry looks out the bus window at a full 
               moon. A dog starts barking.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't sit on this bus anymore. I think 
               I'll go play with that dog.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know where the tops are.

               
               Jerry runs past Kramer and another person. Eerie music still 
               playing.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry what's the matter?

               
               In slow motion Jerry runs into the woods. At normal speed he 
               runs behind a tree. Camera shot down on him as he starts scratching 
               his chest.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (for the first half of the howl, a dog 
               howls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo, 
               that feels good.
 
               
               (Commercial)

               
                             BARTENDER
               Hey, you looking for George?

               
                             MARY ANNE
               Yeah.

               
                             BARTENDER
               He's been in the bathroom awhile. You 
               might want to check on him.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (talking on the phone) Jerry you gotta 
               bring me some clothes down here. I lost 
               my job with the Yankees. I'm standing 
               in the men's room on 43rd street in 
               my underpants.
 
               
                             MARY ANNE
               I told you this city would eat you alive.
 
               
               
               At the muffin shop.

               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               What is this guy again?

               
                             ELAINE
               They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems 
               go away.
 
               
               Newman enters.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello Elaine. Where are they?

               
                             ELAINE
               In the back.

               
                             NEWMAN
               All right, I'm going to need a clean 
               8 ounce glass.
 
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               What is going on here?

               
                             NEWMAN
               If I'm curt, then I appologize. But 
               as I understand it, we have a situation 
               here and time is of the essence.
 
               
               Newman goes to the back room with the muffin stumps and sets 
               down a cooler and an empty glass. From the cooler he takes out 
               4 bottles of milk and sets them down.
 
               
               
               
               
               
                            THE END





The Muffin Tops



Writers :   Spike Feresten
Genres :   Comedy


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