THE NAP
Written by
Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
(Monk's)
GEORGE
Oh, boy I was up to four in the morning
watching the Omen trilogy.
JERRY
That's good stuff.
GEORGE
I can't to myself. I'm exhausted.
JERRY
Can you grab a nap at work.
GEORGE
Not with that big glass window looking
out into the hall. I'd love a good nap.
That's the only thing getting me out
of bed in the morning. I'll see ya'.
ELAINE
Bye.
JERRY
So what are you doing now?
ELAINE
I'm going to take a little stroll through
the park.
JERRY
With a gentleman caller?
ELAINE
Yes, his name is Hal.
JERRY
The walking date is a good date. You
don't have to look right at the other
-person.
ELAINE
It's the next best thing to being alone.
(Kramer enters - wet head)
JERRY
Shower?
KRAMER
No, pool. I just swam 200 laps.
ELAINE
You are kidding.
KRAMER
Look at hose babies (hands). They're
prunes. I saw Conrad going up to oyur
place.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen
cabinets. How is that coming?
JERRY
A little slow. I've got to hold this
guy's hand on every little decision.
ELAINE
Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen the
Omen right?
ELAINE
What exactly was that kid?
KRAMER
Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous,
rambunctious kid.
(Yankee Stadium)
WILHELM
Oh, George, have you seen the American
league directory? It is a big green
book. Oh, thanks kiddo.
(Central park)
HAL
ELAINE
Well I don't care. It was delicious.
ELAINE
Wanna sit down?
HAL
Oh, I don't sit on park benches. They're
very bad for the back.
ELAINE
Really?
HAL
I threw my back out about 15 years ago.
Ever since I have been very careful.
I only buy furniture in the ergonomics
store.
ELAINE
Oh those places have the stupidest names.
Like, uh, "Back in ", or "Good Vertibrations".
HAL
Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar
Yard".
(Jerry's Apartment)
CONRAD
Oh, Jerry are you okay with this hinge?
JERRY
Yeah.
CONRAD
I can get you any kind you want, you
know. Four holes, three holes, two holes,
bronze, no hinge at all.
JERRY
You know, why don't we just go with
the one in your hand?
CONRAD
Oh, these are different.
JERRY
Drop one. . . . left!
(George enters)
GEORGE
Jerry, look at my eyes.
JERRY
A little less beady today.
GEORGE
Because I'm REFRESHED. I finally found
a way to sleep in my office. Under the
desk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the
chair. I'm invisible.
JERRY
Sounds like a really cool fort.
CONRAD
Jerry, do you want a flat edge on this
molding or do you want me to bevel it?
JERRY
I'll tell you what I would like you
to do with it.
GEORGE
Conrad, is it?
CONRAD
Conrad, Connie, or Con, whatever you
prefer.
GEORGE
Uh, let me ask you a question. Could
you, uh, expand the space underneath
a desk to give it a little more headroom?
JERRY
He's kind of tied up here.
GEORGE
It'll have to be a night job anyway.
You don't normally work after dinner,
do you?
CONRAD
There is no normal, whatever jerry wants.
He wants me here late, I'm here late,
he wants me here early, I'm here early,
he . . .
JERRY
Why don't you just work on George's
project for a while?
CONRAD
Whatever you want.
(Next day - on the telephone)
JERRY
So how was Wednesday's walk in the park
with Hal.
ELAINE
Uh, it was okay,. He's coming over later
to watch a movie. Hey listen, what's
better for your back? Couch cushions
or a folding chair?
JERRY
I don't know.
ELAINE
Uh, maybe we'll just stand and watch
the tv. (knock knock). I gotta go someone's
at my door. Yeah!
DELIVERY GUY
Delivery. Elaine Benes?
ELAINE
Yeah.
DELIVERY GUY
We're from the Lumbar Yard, we got your
mattress.
ELAINE
Mattress, I didn't order a mattress.
Who sent this? Hal Kitzmiller?
(Yankee Stadium)
GEORGE
Do you think it might be possible to
add a little shelf like, uh, for an
alarm clock?
CONRAD
You mean like that big?
GEORGE
Like this.
CONRAD
Yeah, I can do that.
GEORGE
Thanks. You know this could sound crazy
but, what do you think about adding
a drawer for - like a blanket?
CONRAD
Blanket or quilt?
GEORGE
Blanket.
CONRAD
That thick?
GEORGE
Maybe like this.
CONRAD
Like that?
GEORGE
Yeah, like that.
CONRAD
If that is what you want.
GEORGE
That is what I want.
(Later)
CONRAD
Hey George, you want this cup holder
mounted on the left, or the right, or
the middle, . . .
GEORGE
Whatever!!. . . . Oh oh oh this is unbelievable.
This is better than my bed at home.
GEORGE
Its been a long night. You go home and
get some sleep.
CONRAD
If that's what you want.
GEORGE
That's what I want.
W
Morning George.
GEORGE
Good morning Mr. Wilhelm.
(George escapes under his desk)
KRAMER
got problems Jerry.
JERRY
What happened?
KRAMER
Well I had been swimming for three hours
and I was in a real grove so I decided
to keep going. But at ten they start
the aquasonics Thirty-five geriatrics
throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming
through a flabby armed spanking machine.
JERRY
How long did that last?
KRAMER
A half hour then diving class started.
Well... that got a little messy. I gotta
find a new place to swim 'cause that
pooll can't hold me, Jerry.
(Elaine enters)
JERRY
How was the movie?
ELAINE
I cancelled. Hal sent a mattress to
my apartment. The nerve of that guy.
JERRY
Why?
ELAINE
He's got a back problem.
JERRY
So you think he was expecting a roll
in the supportive hay.
ELAINE
After one date!
KRAMER
What's that guy's last name again?
ELAINE
Kitzmiller.
KRAMER
Oh, that's right.
JERRY
So what are you going to do with the
mattress?
ELAINE
I don't know. Chuck it?
KRAMER
Oh, no no no no I'll take it. Why don't
you come over. Let's see if it will
fit in my bedroom.
ELAINE
Oh, all right.
KRAMER
My old one sprung a leak.
ELAINE
You have a water bed?
KRAMER
Sand! It's like sleeping on the beach.
enters)
CONRAD
Hi, Jerry I'm sorry I'm late. George
and I have been up working all night
long. I can make up the time in any
number of ways.
JERRY
How about this? . . . Finish this thing
up today!
CONRAD
Couple of questions for you.
JERRY
No. No more questions. Just figure it
out for yourself and get it done.
CONRAD
All right Jerry. But I can figure it
out myself any way you want.
JERRY
Just . . . do it.
(Jerry exits)
(George's office)
STEINBRENNER
Costanza? Where's Costanza? . . . Excusé
mois? Have you seen Costanza?
SECRETARY
I've seen him around.
STEINBRENNER
Um, I'm stuck on this song yesterday.
I can't seem to get it out of my head.
I don't know the name of that. "She's
a heart breaker, love taker . . ..Oh.
Oh" . . .very catchy. You know what?
I can't stay awake for that guy. What
is this? People? Um, the most beautiful
people people. Ally Selica, Nothing
wrong with that uh?
(Monks)
HAL
Elaine, your taking this totally the
wrong way. That's not what Ii intended.
ELAINE
Well, what did you intend, Hal?
HAL
I just wanted you to have the comfort
and report you deserve. That's why I
had the mattress custom designed for
you.
ELAINE
Custom designed?
HAL
They adjust the foam density and spring
tension to your body type. I estimated
your height and weight. Five eight,
about 110 pounds?
ELAINE
Uh, that is the nicest thing anyone
has ever done for me.
HAL
So you do like the mattress?
ELAINE
Oh, I love it. I'm glad . . . I kept
it.
(East River)
FATHER
Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's
where Spike Lee lives.
SON
Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
FATHER
Naw, that's probably just a dead body
son. You see when the mob kills someone
they through the body in the river.
(Jerry's hall)
KRAMER
Jer.
JERRY
Hi.
KRAMER
Well my swimming pool problems are solved.
I just found myself miles and miles
of open lanes.
JERRY
What is that smell?
KRAMER
That's East River.
JERRY
You're swimming in the East River? The
most heavily trafficked overly contaminated
waterway on the eastern seaboard?
KRAMER
Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
JERRY
How could you swim in that water?
KRAMER
I saw a couple of other guys out there.
JERRY
Swimming?
KRAMER
Floating, they weren't moving much.
But they were out there.
(Jerry's apartment)
Jerry looks around the new renovation.
(Elaine's)
ELAINE
(on phone) Hey, Kramer, it's Elaine,
thanks for bringing my mattress back.
And I guess I'll just get my spare key
from you - whenever. All right, bye.
ELAINE
Oh, this is a good mattress. Sniff,
sniff, Ugh!
(George's Office)
STEINBRENNER
What is with this guy? I've been waiting
three and a half hours. Should I go?
No way Jack! ??? at the registrar again,
I'll tell you that.
SECONRAD
Mr. Steinbrenner?
STEINBRENNER
That's what they call me.
SECONRAD
Your grandchildren are here to see you.
STEINBRENNER
Oh, well, send them in. Send the little
tykes in. ... little people .. pony express
... wow,
(Jerry's)
JERRY
(on phone) hello.
GEORGE
Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner
is in the room. You got to help( me.
JERRY
Who is this?
GEORGE
Jerry, . . .
XX
Hi,
GEORGE
Sh, sh, goodbye, sh, get away.
XX
Hi, I'm Brady.
GEORGE
?? get away??
JERRY
Why don't you just have him paged?
GEORGE
Can't you think of something. Call in
a bomb threat.
JERRY
A bomb threat? Why would I call in a
bomb threat?
GEORGE
Just CALL!
JERRY
I should have some reason.
STEINBRENNER
Hey you kids know tunes; see if this
song rinSTEINBRENNER a bell, "Heartbreaker
, . . . "
SECONRAD
Mr. Steinbrenner we just received a
call. There's a bomb in the building.
STEINBRENNER
A bomb in the building, oh, m'god. Quick,
everyone under the desk.
(Steinbrenner's office)
STEINBRENNER
Boy can you think of what went through
my mind when I saw there wasn't going
to be enough room under that desk for
me and my babies.
GEORGE
I'm sorry sir.
STEINBRENNER
You know what I think? I think you knew
about that bomb ahead of time.
GEORGE
What?
STEINBRENNER
???? about that bomb. You climbed under
that desk because you have ESP. George,
what's on my mind? . . . Meatballs!
Huh? Unbelievable. Anyway this terrorist
had a specific demand. Not more cheap
adjustable hats on hat day. He wants
fitted hats just like the players wear.
(Jerry's new renovated apartment)
ELAINE
Jerry, Jerry.
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
What the hell is this? Where are you?
JERRY
Over here. You can see right through
here.
ELAINE
What is this. It's like you're selling
movie tickets back here.
JERRY
It's kind of cozy.
ELAINE
Hey, you're not going to believe what
Kramer did to my mattress. . . . I can't
talk to you like this. So Kramer completely
funked up my mattress.
JERRY
Does it smell like the East River?
ELAINE
How did you know?
JERRY
Because Kramer has been swimming laps
between the Queensborough bridge and
the Brooklyn bridge.
ELAINE
Oh, GREAT!
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Oh man, I'm on the wrong floor again.
ELAINE
Hey, thanks for ruining my mattress.
It reeks.
KRAMER
Hey, you know what I think it is? I
think it's that East River. I think
it might be polluted.
(George enters)
GEORGE
Well, you really did it to me this time,
Seinfeld. . . . What the hell happened
here?
ELAINE
Hi.
GEORGE
Hi. Look at how obtrusive this is.
ELAINE
It is obtrusive, isn't it?
KRAMER
It is very obtrusive.
JERRY
I don't think it's that bad.
KRAMER
You can't get a stool in here.
JERRY
No the stools go over there.
KRAMER
No, that's no good. I'm leaving.
ELAINE
I'm with you. I'm going back to my place.
GEORGE
Fitted Hat Day! That's what you asked
Steinbrenner for?
JERRY
You mean they're actually doing the
fitted hats? Cool.
GEORGE
Guess who he put in charge of Fitted
Hat Day? Me.
JERRY
Hey look at you.
GEORGE
Yeah, look at me. Now I GOTTA FIGURE
OUT THE HAT SIZES OF 59,000 DIFFERENT
PEOPLE!! WHAT IF A PINHEAD SHOWS UP.
I GOTTA BE ON TOP OF THAT.
JERRY
No knock offs. I want the ones like
the real players wear.
GEORGE
??? KNOCK OFFS. I NOT GOING TO DO IT!
AND YOU'RE GOING TO CALL STEINBRENNER
BACK AND CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.
JERRY
Could you at least get a hat for me?
GEORGE
FINE? WHAT SIZE?
JERRY
Seven and five eighths
GEORGE
SEVEN AND FIVE EIGHTHS!!
JERRY
Why are you shouting?
GEORGE
I DON'T KNOW. It's this place. I'm very
uncomfortable here.
(Elaine's)
HAL
So are you liking the mattress?
ELAINE
I am totally loving it. Uh, you know
... we should um ... get going.
HAL
What is that smell?
ELAINE
What smell?
HAL
I think it's the mattress. Did something
happen to it.
ELAINE
No no, oh, you know what that is? I
um, went claming the other day and I
forgot to hose off my boots.
HAL
Claming?
ELAINE
Yeah, clam and scallop. I clam and scallop.
(Steinbrenner's office)
STEINBRENNER
Yes, yes, come in.
GEORGE
Sir, I just got a call from the terrorist.
I told him to call back here.
STEINBRENNER
Just let me ask you something. Is it
"February" or " February"? Because I
prefer "Febuary" and what is this "ru"?
(phone rinSTEINBRENNER)
GEORGE
Let me put that on speaker phone.
STEINBRENNER
Hello are you the bomber?
JERRY
Yes this is the terrorist bomber.
STEINBRENNER
Costanza here is busting his ass on
those hats.
JERRY
think I've changed my mind.
STEINBRENNER
You don't want them, then goodbye.
GEORGE
??? sir.
STEINBRENNER
Well what do you want instead?
JERRY
What?
STEINBRENNER
Well, you're the terrorist. You're going
to want something.
JERRY
I guess it would be nice if you called
all the ticket holders if the game was
going to be rained out.
STEINBRENNER
All right George, you can handle that.
(George hanSTEINBRENNER up phone)
STEINBRENNER
Costanza what the hell are you doing?
GEORGE
You have to stand tough sir. That's
why I had to hang up the phone.
STEINBRENNER
You know what I'm going to do? I'm going
to run around the stadium and close
all the windows. That's where I'm going,
pal. And I'll tell you something else.
I'm very nervous.
(On the street)
ELAINE
Gotta get some of that stuffed crust
pizza. cheese crust pizza.
HAL
It's just more cheese.
ELAINE
I'll tell you something. It'll be years
before they find places to hide more
cheese on a pizza. Kramer!
KRAMER
Oh, hey,
ELAINE
Oh, hi. This is Hal. Hal, this is Kramer.
Kramer, Hal.
KRAMER
Hal, .. uh Langerhans.
HAL
Kitzmiller.
KRAMER
Oh, Kitzmiller. That's right
ELAINE
You feeling jiff?
KRAMER
Oh, I'm jiff.
HAL
That smell...
KRAMER
Oh, listen I gotta get to the pier.
The ferry traffic is really bad around
four thirty. Look, I still got the key
to your apartment and I'll get it back
to you as soon as I can.
ELAINE
Oh, baby.
(Under George's desk)
(alarm clock)
GEORGE
Lunch.
(At the river)
HAL
Kramer? Can I talk to you a minute?
KRAMER
Yeah, sure, um, oh boy, . . .
HAL
Kitzmiller.
KRAMER
That's it.
HAL
You and Elaine are pretty close.
KRAMER
Oh, we go back a ways.
HAL
And you've, . . . how do I put this?
You've been in her bed?
KRAMER
That's right.
HAL
But this isn't still going on.
KRAMER
No, no. She put a stop to that.
HAL
That's all I needed to know. So you
actually swim in this thing?
KRAMER
Oh yeah. Exercises every muscle in the
body. It's great for the back.
HAL
Great for the back. Right.
KRAMER
Four hours in this chop and I'm a full
inch taller. . . . Giddyup.
{George's office))
STEINBRENNER
"Heatbreaker, Brewbaker, ..." Hey George,
I remember that tune. George? George?
Um, what's that ticking. Oh oh. Oh,
oooh,...wo wo wo wo . (runs out) fire
in the hole!
(Elaine's)
ELAINE
I wouldn't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't
pick this up. Ug, oh, okay, . . .
(Jerry's)
CONRAD
You want it back the way it was?
JERRY
Yeah, that's right.
CONRAD
You know I don't get you Seinfeld. You
want something one day. The next day
you don't like it. Come on man, make
a decision.
(phone rinSTEINBRENNER)
JERRY
One second. Hello.
ELAINE
Jerry you gotta help me. I threw my
back out.
JERRY
Just lie down.
ELAINE
I am lying down. I am trapped under
a funky mattress. I gotta go get a doctor
or at least come over and roll this
thing off of me.
JERRY
All right. I'll be right there., Conrad
I gotta go.
CONRAD
Stay, go whatever.
(At the river, Hall and more people)
HAL
Hey, Kramer.
KRAMER
What's going on?
HAL
I told my Chiropractor how swimming
in the river made my back heal. He recommended
it to all his patients.
OLD MAN
Step aside.
KRAMER
He just sunk like a stone.
(Steinbrenner's office)
GEORGE
Sir, I'm sure it's not a police matter.
STEINBRENNER
Don't be so sure George. Mess with them
and they're messing with you. All right
boys send it in
(bomb disposal robot enters George's office)
STEINBRENNER
What's that figure ahead? Is that anything?
Okay, let's check the desk. That's where
I heard the ticking. Search each one
of those drawers starting with the top
one. So, empty calories and male curiosity,
eh, Georgie?
BOMB COP
Looks like there's more compartments
underneath.
STEINBRENNER
Compartments underneath, that's probably
where it is. Okay boys, let 'er rip.
I'll tell you what George. Starting
tomorrow no more desks. Just Lucite
tables and four leSTEINBRENNER.
(East River)
KRAMER
Hey, watch where you're kicking!
ELAINE
Kramer.
KRAMER
Elaine
ELAINE
I can't believe it. Hey, I'll meet you
at the coffee shop.
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Yeah.
(Jerry's)
GEORGE
Hi Connie, Jerry around?
CONRAD
No, and I prefer "Conrad". So I heard
what happened to the desk.
GEORGE
There was something so reassuring about
that cozy little space.
CONRAD
Yeah, well, whatever. See ya'
(Later at Jerry's)
(Jerry enters)
JERRY
Ah, back to normal. Not bad for four
thousand bucks. . . . I can't believe
I got the Low Fat!
THE END
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