The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                         THE NON-FAT YOGURT



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I've always been a big fan of the little 
               check move. You
 
               know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total
 
               
               it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the

               check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm

               doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people."

               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm!

               
                             GEORGE
               Fantastic!

               
                             JERRY
               I told you. How good is this?

               
                             GEORGE
               Good.

               
                             JERRY
               How good?

               
                             GEORGE
               Very good.

               
                             ELAINE
               They got blue berries. And there's real 
               blue berries. What
 
               kind did you get?

               
                             JERRY
               Coffee. And they grind up the coffee 
               beans, and they put it
 
               in.

               
                             ELAINE
               Let me test-taste that.

               
                             JERRY
               Huh? Huh?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm! Rico!

               
                             JERRY
               Suave! And it's non-fat!

               
                             GEORGE
               See, how could this not have any fat? 
               It's too good.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You want to taste mine?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, you want to taste mine.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, I don't.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, if you want to taste mine, you 
               don't have to offer me
 
               some of yours.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right, let's just forget it.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, Kramer's going to clean up 
               on this place.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean?

               
                             JERRY
               He invested in it.

               
                             GEORGE
               No kidding?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. 
               This is so
 
               *beep*ing good.

               
                             LADY
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm sorry.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right, we should get going. But, 
               I'm going to get a little
 
               bit more, okay?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, god. Look who's here.

               
                             JERRY
               Who is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd: 
               Braun. He's a
 
               big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, really?

               
                             LLOYD
               Hey, George!

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! Lloyd! My friend Jerry.

               
                             LLOYD
               So, I hear you're living back home now?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment.
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks 
               in this place,
 
               huh? Something wrong with your arm?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I bumped 
               my elbow on a
 
               desk and injured something. And now it sort of moves

               involuntarily.

               
                             LLOYD
               Wow, that's a bitch, huh?

               
                             LLOYD
               So, how are your parents doing?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, pretty good.

               
                             LLOYD
               This place does some business, huh?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, this is my first time here.

               
                             LLOYD
               Hey, she's a doll.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi!

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi!

               
                             LLOYD
               Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Nice to meet you, too!

               
                             LLOYD
               Well, I'm really sorry I got to run 
               now. Well, take it easy,
 
               huh, George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah! Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, he is really cute!

               
                             GEORGE
               He's a jerk.

               
                             JERRY
               He's gone, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right. All right.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, there were a lot of people there, 
               huh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're 
               going to make a fortune.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               They're doing an incredible business.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How did you know?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. 
               It's got a remarkable
 
               texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah?

               
                             ELAINE
               Buzz me.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. Hey, I had the show of my life last 
               night. I ad-libbed
 
               like ten new minutes.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but did you tape it?

               
                             JERRY
               Right there. I got it. I did this thing 
               on the Ottoman Empire.
 
               Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your

               feet up?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm telling you, I got like a whole 
               new Tonight Show here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey!

               
                             JERRY
               What's the matter?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down 
               on the fork.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, it's hard to believe - with all 
               that biting experience - a
 
               person could still make a mistake like that.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yow!

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you're getting heavy. Yeah, you 
               look like you put on
 
               five, ten pounds.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll tell you something else, you're 
               looking a little chunky
 
               yourself, buddy.

               
                             JERRY
               Me?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               Where's your bathroom scale? Oh my god, 
               I've gained seven
 
               pounds.

               
                             JERRY
               I've gained eight.

               
                             KRAMER
               I told you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. 
               How did I gain 7
 
               pounds?

               
                             JERRY
               How did I gain eight?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't get it. I, I've been doing the 
               same exercises. I
 
               haven't been eating anything different.

               
                             JERRY
               Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. 
               Maybe it's that
 
               yogurt.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, how else could this have happened?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, maybe it's the Oreos.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't eat Oreos.

               
                             KRAMER
               You don't eat Oreos? The way you break 
               them open?
 
               You're ~ practically having sex with them.

               
                             JERRY
               What about me?

               
                             KRAMER
               You? You're getting old.

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, guess again, Tubby!

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, there's got to be a way to find 
               that out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               There must be some kind of lab that 
               would do that kind of
 
               thing.

               
                             ELAINE
               Gasp! I've got it.

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll call the Food and Drug Administration.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubby, if 
               that yogurt has fat in it, I
 
               will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, let's start the insanity.

               
                             KRAMER
               Giddy-up!

               
               Dad Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy

               Tune dancing?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             MOM
               I like tap dancing.

               
               Dad Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.
 
               
               
                             MOM
               Are you kidding? They practice for years, 
               those people.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What's for supper?

               
                             MOM
               Somebody's at the door.

               
               Dad Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.
 
               
               
                             MOM
               Lloyd?

               
                             LLOYD
               Hello, Mrs. Costanza.

               
                             MOM
               Georgie, Lloyd: Braun is here.

               
               Dad Hey! Lloyd!

               
                             MOM
               What are you doing here?

               
                             LLOYD
               Well, I was just in the neighborhood 
               visiting my mother, and
 
               so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello".

               
                             MOM
               Georgie. Come here and say hello.

               
               Dad How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for
 
               
               Dinkins now.

               
                             LLOYD
               That's right. Hey, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Lloyd. How's it going?

               
                             LLOYD
               I ran into George: yesterday in the 
               city.
 
               
                             MOM
               Ow! What's the matter with you?

               
                             LLOYD
               So, uh, how's the arm, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, it's good. It's good.

               
                             MOM
               What's the matter with your arm?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing.

               
                             LLOYD
               Oh, his arm moves like this.

               
               Dad Your arm moves like this?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
               Dad I never seen your arm move like this.

               
                             MOM
               Me, either.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it comes and goes.

               
               Dad It's like some kind of a spasm.

               
                             LLOYD
               Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew 
               any good orthopedists,
 
               and he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for

               you. Dr. Dekter.

               
                             MOM
               Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for 
               him?
 
               
               Dad You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You

                             DISCUSSED GEORGE
               with the mayor of New York?

               
                             MOM
               Dinkins was talking about you. He was 
               discussing you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor 
               - there's really
 
               nothing they can do.

               
               Dad Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what

               kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?

               
                             GEORGE
               All right. All right. I'll go.

               
                             LLOYD
               Well, that's great. And, uh, I'll be 
               very interested to hear the
 
               diagnosis.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. 
               All right. Okay.
 
               I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have
 
               
               to drive there.

               
                             JERRY
               And they said they can do it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, it's forty-five bucks.

               
                             JERRY
               All right. Let's go down to the yogurt 
               store, and we'll get a
 
               specimen.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hm-hmm.

               
               Lady Well, I hope you're satisfied.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
               Lady Every word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*, *beep*,
 
               
               *beep*. You know what he said to me five minutes ago?

               Where's my *beep*ing cupcake?

               
                             JERRY
               Gee, I'm really sorry.

               
               Lady He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe
 
               
               you could talk to him?

               
                             JERRY
               I'd be happy to.

               
               Lady Thank you.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of 
               your husband's yogurt
 
               at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?

               
               Lady No *beep*ing way!

               
                             LLOYD
               Well, it was very nice seeing you again.
 
               
               
                             MOM
               Oh, it was good seeing you.

               
                             LLOYD
               Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous 
               woman I saw
 
               you with the other day?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, uh, just a friend of mine.

               
                             MOM
               You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable?
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               She is. She is. How about giving me 
               her number?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't 
               have it.
 
               
                             MOM
               She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine: 
               Benice.
 
               
                             LLOYD
               Oh, great. Thanks a lot!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah!

               
                             LLOYD
               So long.

               
                             MOM
               Bye! Oh, that Lloyd: Braun. He is something, 
               isn't he?
 
               
               Newman Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" 
               And I
 
               sent her to the back of the line!

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, Newman.

               
               Newman Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? 
               And
 
               it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my

               whole life! And it's finally here!

               
               Owner Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities
 
               
               around my son, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               It was an accident. I'm going to talk 
               to him.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup 
               to go. That's non-fat,
 
               right?

               
               Owner That's right.

               
                             ELAINE
               'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the 
               doctor said I can't have
 
               any fat.

               
               Owner Yeah, well, there is no fat.

               
               Newman Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hurry, Jerry! Hurry!

               
                             JERRY
               How's it doing?

               
                             ELAINE
               Not too good.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you can't have this tested now. 
               It's melting.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what.

               
                             KRAMER
               It changes the molecules.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you don't know what you're talking 
               about.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You call me fatso one more time; you're 
               going to be walking
 
               back.

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting 
               the yogurt tested.
 
               
               Labbie Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Oh, does it matter if it's melted?
 
               
               
               Labbie No! You know, this is going to take a couple of days.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               That's okay.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hello, there.

               
                             LABBETTE
               Hello!

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh! Test tubes. Cool!

               
                             JERRY
               What do you got there?

               
               Labbie Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a
 
               
               cholesterol work up on it.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, I'm done.

               
                             LABBETTE
               It was really nice meeting you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, the pleasure's all mine.

               
                             JERRY
               You can't take that chemist out.

               
                             KRAMER
               Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               Because she's like the jury. She's going 
               to be sequestered.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm not taking her out just to influence 
               the results.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I think the whole thing stinks.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It smells. Smells bad. Smells really 
               bad.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's enough.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, with the smells.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, he made an appointment for me to 
               see Dinkins' doctor.
 
               He's just trying to humiliate me.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh-huh.

               
                             GEORGE
               And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll 
               know I'm lying.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, so, what are you going to do? 
               Sit in the doctor's office
 
               doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't care. Look, Lloyd: doesn't know 
               what he's up against.
 
               This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey!

               
               G&J Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, guess who called me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd?

               
                             ELAINE
               We're going out tomorrow night.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, look, he's going to ask you about 
               my arm. So, just tell
 
               him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving

               involuntarily ever since.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't say that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
                             ELAINE
               What if I like him? I'm going to start 
               out lying to this guy?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So, you're taking his side?

               
                             ELAINE
               No. But what if we get married or something? 
               We'll always
 
               have that between us.

               
                             GEORGE
               Already you're marrying this guy?

               
                             ELAINE
               You never know.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, believe me, you're not going 
               to marry him.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               All right, well, then what if we become 
               a couple, George?
 
               Every time we see you you're going to be walking around

               going like this? Even you can't keep that up.

               
                             JERRY
               No, I believe he can.

               
               Lady Hi!

               
                             JERRY
               Hi!

               
               Lady You know Jerry.

               
               Son Of course, he's the funny *beep*er.

               
               Lady See!

               
                             JERRY
               Listen, Matthew, I want to explain something 
               to you. Now,
 
               cursing is not something that most comedians do.

               
               Son You did it.

               
                             JERRY
               That's true. But it was an accident. 
               And I haven't done it
 
               since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue

               cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you

               grow up. Excuse me one second.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, Lloyd: advises Dinkins on 
               everything he does.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah. Big advisor.

               
                             ELAINE
               He tells him which soap to use.

               
                             JERRY
               What the *beep* are you doing? You little 
               piece of *beep*.
 
               
                             LABBETTE
               Shh! We don't want to disturb the security 
               guard.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Where's the lights. Whoa!

               
                             LABBETTE
               How about this?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah! Bunsen burner. You want a taste? 
               It's Cappuccino.
 
               
                             LABBETTE
               It's delicious.

               
                             KRAMER
               I hear you.

               
                             LABBETTE
               Non-fat?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in 
               yet?
 
               
                             LABBETTE
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, this is in case there's a tie!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, as far as I know, he bumped his 
               arm into a door and
 
               it's kind of got this involuntarily movement. Some sort of a
 
               
               spasm. So, anyway, you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh?

               
                             LLOYD
               Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to 
               the wire.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Wow! You know what I would do if I was 
               running for
 
               mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody

               should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.
 
               
               
                             LLOYD
               Name tags, hmm?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, everybody would know everybody. 
               It would be like a
 
               small town.

               
                             LLOYD
               Maybe I'll mention that to him.

               
                             ELAINE
               Really? Wow!

               
                             LLOYD
               You sure you don't want any yogurt?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I'm watching my weight.

               
                             LLOYD
               Well, it's nonfat.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, so they say.

               
                             LLOYD
               Well, should we go?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Okay.

               
                             ELAINE
               Three days and he hasn't called me, 
               and you know why?
 
               Because he thinks I'm too fat.

               
                             JERRY
               He said that?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, but I saw the look on his face when 
               he put his arm
 
               around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on

               one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a
 
               
               lot of woman!"

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, but I expect to hear anytime.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why do you say that?

               
                             KRAMER
               No reason. Oh, did you hear about that 
               Dinkins?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No. What about him?

               
                             KRAMER
               You didn't hear?

               
                             ELAINE
               Un-huh.

               
                             KRAMER
               He's proposing a plan where everyone 
               in the city should wear
 
               name tags.

               
                             JERRY
               Name tags?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah! So people can go around saying 
               "hello" to one another.
 
                             JERRY
               Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you 
               know who I saw
 
               wilding today? Herb!"

               
                             KRAMER
               He's become the laughing stock! You 
               know The Times has
 
               already stated it could cost him the election. Name tags!

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, really? 
               Okay, thank you
 
               very much. Bye-bye. Well, the yogurt verdict is in. Fat!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeow!

               
                             GEORGE
               The next morning, I woke up, and it 
               was going like this. I
 
               can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh!

               
                             DOCTOR
               Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly 
               honest with you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Please, doctor.

               
                             DOCTOR
               I've examined you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.

               
                             DOCTOR
               I've looked at your X-rays.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh-huh.

               
                             DOCTOR
               And I find that there's absolutely nothing 
               wrong with you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hmm. Really? Nothing?

               
                             DOCTOR
               Nothing that would indicate involuntary 
               spasms.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't 
               it?
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               No, not really.

               
                             GEORGE
               How so?

               
                             DOCTOR
               May I suggest the possibility that you're 
               faking?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Faking? What makes you think that I 
               have time to see
 
               doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's

               absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person

               would do a thing like that?

               
                             DOCTOR
               I don't know what kind of a person would 
               do something like
 
               that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person.
 
               
               A person who has no regard for wasting other people's

               valuable time. Good-bye.

               
                             GEORGE
               Now, see here, doctor.

               
                             DOCTOR
               I said, good-bye.

               
                             GEORGE
               Fine. Ow!

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over 
               to that yogurt store.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about 
               this. This has got to
 
               be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey,

               look, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay.

               
                             NEWS
               Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical 
               last week, received
 
               some startling news today when his cholesterol count turned
 
               
               out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the
 
               
               minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another

               development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd
 
               
               Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag

               fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy
 
               
               Giuliani is about to make a statement.

               
                             GIULIANI
               It's hard to understand. Because I've 
               been doing everything I
 
               normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I

               exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that
 
               
               I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.

               
                             JERRY
               Yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani 
               and he doesn't even
 
               know it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Now look what you've done.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, we've got to do something. I'm 
               calling Giuliani's
 
               headquarters.

               
                             GEORGE
               Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an 
               idiot thinks
 
               anybody would be interested in an idea like that.

               
               Dad I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags.
 
               
               Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are

               you doing, Joe?" Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought

               you said it went away.

               
                             GEORGE
               I banged it on the desk in the doctor's 
               office. And . . .
 
               
                             MOM
               Be quiet. They're starting the press 
               conference.
 
               
               Giuliani My campaign staff has received some very disturbing
 
               
               information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being
 
               
               sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm

               elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a
 
               
               special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you,
 
               
               my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do

               everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat
 
               
               yogurt.

               
                             JERRY
               The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, 
               this is terrible.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Phew!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, it stinks.

               
                             KRAMER
               Mine, too. I got one more day.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't eat this.

               
               Newman Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.

               
                             JERRY
               It had fat in it, it's not good for 
               you.
 
               
               Newman I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to
 
               
               interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get
 
               
               even with you for this. You can count on it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen 
               to this. Apparently
 
               some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his
 
               
               cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially
 
               
               reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt
 
               
               scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the
 
               
               election for the Republican. It was the one issue which

               seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, in effect, the yogurt won him the 
               election.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I wonder what actually happened in that 
               lab.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, me, too.

               
               Newman I can't eat this.

               
                             BOY
               Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, 
               you fat *beep*!
 
               
               
                           THE END



The Non-Fat Yogurt



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy