The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE NOSE JOB



                             Written by

                           Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               Can you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to 
               be two-and-a-half
 
               feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't 
               be down there
 
               on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots, 
               nuclear
 
               physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be 
               two-and-a-half
 
               feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread 
               out, give me
 
               some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could 
               see is typing
 
               everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get 
               all the words on
 
               there, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in 
               the roller of the
 
               typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Yeah, 
               I'd like to
 
               get this prescription filled." "Alright, and you wait down there, 
               only I'm
 
               allowed up here."

               
               
               
               First scene.

               
               Jerry and George are at a newsstand.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where'd you meet her?

               
                             JERRY
               I met her on an elevator.

               
                             GEORGE
               On an elevator? You met a woman on an 
               elevator?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Impossible, right?

               
                             GEORGE
               You got less than sixty seconds. That's 
               like dismantling a time bomb.
 
               
               What got into you?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. She was so beautiful, 
               it was like a pure reflex. The
 
               
               words just came out of my mouth.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wow. What'd you say?

               
               (flashback to Jerry and Isabel on the elevator)

               
                             JERRY
               You know, I'm the one responsible for 
               those crop circles in England.
 
               
               (end of flashback)

               
                             GEORGE
               Wow.

               
                             JERRY
               Can you believe I did that?

               
                             GEORGE
               What did she say?

               
               (another flashback)

               
                             ISABEL
               What crop circles?

               
               (end of flashback)

               
                             JERRY
               Not a good sign.

               
                             GEORGE
               Not everybody knows what the crop circles 
               are. (to the newsstand
 
               
               owner) Do you know what the crop circles are?

               
                             NEWSSTAND OWNER
               Crop circles? Why don't you buy something?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You got something in your teeth there.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               It's green.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking 
               around like this all
 
               
               afternoon.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you bump into anybody you knew?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I had a job interview.

               
                             JERRY
               How'd it go?

               
                             GEORGE
               Take a guess.

               
               (flashback to George's job interview, with close-ups of George's 
               spinached
 
               
               teeth.)

               
                             INTERVIEWER
               Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing 
               available at the present time,
 
               
               but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ok, thanks.

               
               (end of flashback)

               
                             JERRY
               What do you need a job, you got Audrey.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, right.

               
                             JERRY
               What's the matter?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               You won't think I'm a bad person?

               
                             JERRY
               Too late for that.

               
                             GEORGE
               'Cause believe me, I would only say 
               this to you and maybe a
 
               
               psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, she's got a big nose.

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean, big would even be ok, a little 
               beyond big.
 
               
               (momentary flashback to Audrey's tremendous nose)

               
                             JERRY
               It's a schnoz.

               
                             GEORGE
               Now, I'm aware that my own physical 
               dimensions are perhaps a little
 
               
               short of perfection.

               
                             JERRY
               A little.

               
                             GEORGE
               So who am I to be thinking about someone's 
               nose? I mean, I should be
 
               
               grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. 
               But I have
 
               
               to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the 
               nose. I don't
 
               
               ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed 
               at night, I tell
 
               
               myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I 
               think about it. I
 
               
               look at her, I see nose.

               
                             JERRY
               Stop being so concerned with looks.
 
               
               
               (momentary flashback to Isabel giving Jerry her number)

               
                             JERRY
               Have you said anything to her about 
               it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I could never do that. You know the 
               ironic thing is if she had a
 
               
               smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first 
               place. She'd be
 
               
               out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, 
               I know that. And
 
               
               I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, shut up, here they come.

               
                             GEORGE
               How can I not think about it? Look at 
               the size of this thing.
 
               
               
               
               New scene.

               
               Jerry, Elaine, George, Audrey and Kramer are sharing a pizza 
               at Jerry's
 
               
               apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               So my mother's going out with this guy 
               who leaves a jacket in her house
 
               
               so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows 
               up and he
 
               
               takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail 
               fraud. So
 
               
               Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell 
               the landlord that
 
               
               you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Won't the landlord know I'm not the 
               daughter?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No no, he's never met her. She's in 
               California.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Are you coming with me?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fiancÚ, 
               Peter Von Nostrand.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why don't you just commit yourself already?
 
               
               
                             AUDREY
               What is so special about this jacket?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               He believes it possesses some extraordinary 
               power over women.
 
               
                             AUDREY
               What's the smudge on your hand?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge 
               last night. Yeah, I'm going
 
               
               back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover 
               charge.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What, you didn't wash all day?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You 
               wouldn't believe the women at
 
               
               this club. Ohh, man.

               
                             AUDREY
               It's amazing how many beautiful women 
               live in New York. I actually
 
               
               find it kind of intimidating.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you're as pretty as any of them, 
               you just need a nose job.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               What? What?

               
                             ELAINE
               How could you say something like that?!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What? What do you mean? I just said 
               she needs a nose job.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No no, there's nothing wrong with her 
               nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.
 
               
                             AUDREY
               No, it's ok.

               
                             ELAINE
               What did you have to say that for?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I was just trying to help out.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket 
               goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You see what happens when you try to 
               be nice?
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Mid-episode monologue.

               
               But what would the world be like if people said whatever they 
               were thinking, all
 
               
               the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date 
               last? About
 
               
               thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big." 
               "That's ok,
 
               
               your breath stinks anyway. See you later, no problem, good-bye, 
               ok, thank you
 
               
               very much."

               
               
               
               
               
               New scene.

               
               George and Audrey are in Elaine's apartment.

               
                             AUDREY
               Elaine said I could stay with her another 
               month until Tina gets back.
 
               
               What are you thinking about?

               
                             GEORGE
               Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly 
               be thinking?
 
               
                             AUDREY
               You look like you've got something on 
               your mind.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something 
               on my mind. (pregnant pause)
 
               
               So how about that Kramer, huh?

               
                             AUDREY
               How about him?

               
                             GEORGE
               They way he just says stuff.

               
                             AUDREY
               He sure does.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.
 
               
               
                             AUDREY
               So, what did you think?

               
                             GEORGE
               About the pizza?

               
                             AUDREY
               No, about the nose job.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what 
               did you think?
 
               
                             AUDREY
               Well, I've thought about it, but I don't 
               know.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care, 
               one way or the other, but
 
               
               these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you 
               were so inclined.
 
               
               And again, I'm not suggesting.

               
                             AUDREY
               I know, they're good.

               
                             GEORGE
               Peter Jennings had one.

               
                             AUDREY
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               Probably. They all do. In my high school, 
               half my graduating class
 
               
               had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...

               
                             AUDREY
               Uh huh.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's really nothing, it's like going 
               to the dentist.
 
               
                             AUDREY
               I hate the dentist.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a cleaning.

               
                             AUDREY
               So you really think I should do this?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               If it makes you happy, I don't focus 
               on these things. I will tell you
 
               
                             THIS
               Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial 
               society. I don't condone
 
               
               it, but it's a fact of life.

               
                             AUDREY
               Well, maybe I should.

               
                             GEORGE
               What the hell.

               
                             ELAINE
               Aw, now you talked her into getting 
               a nose job?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Me? I didn't say anything.

               
                             ELAINE
               You encouraged her to get one.

               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't encourage. No encourage.

               
                             ELAINE
               Peter Jennings had one?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's possible.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I think you should accept her 
               for who she is.
 
               
                             AUDREY
               No, George is right. I want to get one.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I think it's a mistake.

               
                             GEORGE
               Me too, really. Unless you'd really 
               like to get one.
 
               
               
               
               New scene.

               
               Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm going straight to hell, no two ways 
               about it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, it might not be hell but you're 
               gonna run into some bad dudes.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, let's get the check, she's taking 
               the
 
               
               bandages off at four o'clock.

               
                             JERRY
               We have time.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna 
               have a whole new face.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It is exciting.

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course, not as exciting as miss crop 
               circles, but...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Please, please, Isabel? She is the most 
               despicable woman I have ever
 
               
               met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally 
               and so
 
               
               attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain 
               is facing my
 
               
               penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're not letting him win. He wins 
               till you're forty.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Then what?

               
                             GEORGE
               He still wins but it's not a blowout.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She wants to be an actress. She makes 
               me read these moronic acting
 
               
               scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, 
               I'm helpless,
 
               
               I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.
 
               
               
               (flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               I don't want to see this woman anymore 
               but
 
               
               I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, 
               help me. Help
 
               
               me.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm proud of you.

               
               (end of flashback)

               
                             JERRY
               So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm 
               going cold turkey.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Good for you.

               
                             JERRY
               I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I 
               was like an animal. I mean it was
 
               
               
               just completely uninhibited.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's like going to the bathroom in front 
               of a lot of people and not
 
               
               caring.

               
                             JERRY
               It's not like that at all.

               
               
               
               New scene.

               
               Elaine, George, Jerry, Kramer and Audrey are at Elaine's apartment.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               How do you even know the jacket is there?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I don't, I'm guessing.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, look, Audrey, before you take 
               the bandage off just remember that
 
               
               
               I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that 
               you're gonna
 
               
               be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, 
               like if you'd
 
               
               listened to your friend, Elaine,

               
                             AUDREY
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah?

               
                             AUDREY
               Enough.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's 
               get this show on the road.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Are you sure you want us here for this?
 
               
               
                             AUDREY
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               Shouldn't a doctor do it?

               
                             AUDREY
               No, he said I could do it. Okay, here 
               goes.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Very exciting, very exciting, it's like 
               watching a birth.
 
               
               Audrey removed the bandage, the gang tries to disguise their 
               horror.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It looks good.

               
                             JERRY
               Great job.

               
                             KRAMER
               You got butchered.

               
               George faints.

               
               An undetermined time later, Jerry and Elaine are helping George 
               to his feet.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Let's put him over here.

               
                             KRAMER
               Where are you going?

               
                             AUDREY
               To the doctor!

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.
 
               
               
               Kramer leaves, Elaine sits on the couch near George.

               
                             ELAINE
               How ya feeling?

               
                             GEORGE
               Too much salt in my diet.

               
                             ELAINE
               Can I get you anything?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nah, I'm good.

               
                             ELAINE
               You sure? Anything?

               
                             GEORGE
               Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come 
               out too well, did it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, it didn't. No, it didn't.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's like, all dented.

               
                             ELAINE
               Seems to be.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix 
               it. You can't stop modern
 
               
               science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. 
               Can't be
 
               
               stopped, no way, no how, science just marches--

               
                             ELAINE
               Shut up, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Shut up?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Interesting.

               
               
               
               New scene.

               
               Jerry and Kramer are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer is pouring 
               a bowl of cereal,
 
               
               Jerry has cracked.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me 
               her number!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't have it, I threw it out.

               
                             JERRY
               You're lying! You got it, I want that 
               number!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I told you, I threw it out.

               
                             JERRY
               Give it to me!

               
                             KRAMER
               You told me not to give it to you, you 
               made me promise.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I changed my mind, I want that 
               number.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You said, no matter what you do or say, 
               I'm not to give you the number.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I was lying, give it to me!

               
                             KRAMER
               No, you told me not to!

               
                             JERRY
               I want that number!

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper 
               to the ground) Yeah! Yeah!
 
               
               Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) 
               Look at you!
 
               
               Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look 
               in the mirror,
 
               
               cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand 
               by and do it
 
               
               anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching 
               you
 
               
               destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside!

               
               Kramer storms out, then storms back in to grab the box of cereal 
               and the bowl,
 
               
               then storms out again.

               
               
               
               New scene.

               
               George and Audrey are at the coffee shop, Audrey is talking about 
               her nose,
 
               
               George is trying not to look at it.

               
                             AUDREY
               The doctor said that they need to build 
               the lateral wall of the septum.
 
               
               Over here...

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             AUDREY
               You see this perinasal sinus cavity?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I got it.

               
                             AUDREY
               You see how it's collapsing? That's 
               what's causing this huge dent.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, phew.

               
                             AUDREY
               So anyway, George, do you know what 
               I was thinking about?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             AUDREY
               Remember we talked about taking a trip 
               together?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               We did?

               
                             AUDREY
               Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hawaii?

               
                             AUDREY
               Anyway, I think it would be great to 
               get away after all this.
 
               
               George (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little 
               tricky right
 
               
               now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time 
               of year, there's
 
               
               a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, 
               pretty dangerous.
 
               
                             AUDREY
               I never heard that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah. My friend lived there.

               
                             AUDREY
               We could go to the Caribbean.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I have to tell you something. 
               You couldn't get me on a plane
 
               
               right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them 
               to me, he
 
               
               used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's 
               the word there,
 
               
               uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't 
               let that stop you
 
               
               from going. You could go. I don't mind.

               
                             AUDREY
               George, I don't think this is working.
 
               
               
               
               
               New scene.

               
               Jerry is rehearsing with Isabel.

               
                             ISABEL
               Ever since you came back from the Army, 
               you've changed. I swear
 
               
               Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm Nelson!

               
                             ISABEL
               That's not the line, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) 
               Nothing's changed, Alma, I just
 
               
               need more time.

               
                             ISABEL
               I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, 
               when you're not around, I just go
 
               
               
               crazy thinking about you.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you just need to relax. Maybe 
               a hobby, bowling is fun.
 
               
                             ISABEL
               Yeah, bowling's good if you're really 
               gross and ugly.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.
 
               
               
               
               
               Cut to the table where a slightly translucent Jerry's brain is 
               playing chess
 
               
               with a similarly visible Jerry's penis.

               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               Well I'm getting a little tired of this. 
               What do you say we
 
               
               play one for all the marbles?

               
                             JERRY'S PENIS
               Oh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot 
               beat me. Do you have
 
               
               any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it!

               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               I can't take her anymore. I hate reading 
               her stupid little
 
               
               acting scenes.

               
                             JERRY'S PENIS
               Oh, so what? So you read from a little 
               play. You can't put up
 
               
               with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give 
               me one hour,
 
               
               then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest 
               of the night.
 
               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               What about tomorrow morning? Do you 
               have any idea what that's
 
               
               like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you 
               get to do
 
               
               whatever it is you do. You disgust me.

               
                             JERRY'S PENIS
               Oh, go read a book.

               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               Enough chatting, let's play.

               
               
               
               New scene.

               
               Elaine and Kramer are outside the landlord's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know the only reason I'm doing this 
               is because you took Audrey to
 
               
               the hospital.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, 
               you got
 
               
               everything?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a 
               ring on Elaine's finger) Here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What do I need this for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Because we're engaged.

               
                             ELAINE
               We're engaged?

               
                             KRAMER
               Um hm.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, this is too big.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's my mom's.

               
               A stout man walks around the corner.

               
                             LANDLORD
               Hello?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert 
               Pepper's daughter. My father
 
               
               asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.

               
                             LANDLORD
               Oh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure 
               to meet you. (To Kramer) And
 
               
               you must be Professor Von Nostrand?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, yes I am.

               
                             LANDLORD
               I've read your book, Professor, and 
               I was quite intrigued by it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.
 
               
               
                             LANDLORD
               Tell me, is it your contention that 
               Shakespeare was an imposter?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               My contention?

               
                             LANDLORD
               Yes, your contention.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, that's my contention.

               
                             ELAINE
               I heard him contend that.

               
                             LANDLORD
               It's too bad about your father.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, it was a frame-up.

               
                             LANDLORD
               A fine man, he spoke often of you. He's 
               very proud of the work
 
               
               you're doing.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well, we're all proud of the work 
               I'm doing.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               She does fine work.

               
                             LANDLORD
               Your father gave me strict orders not 
               to turn the jacket over to
 
               
               anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The 
               closet's this
 
               
               way.

               
                             ELAINE
               How kind of you.

               
                             LANDLORD
               You know, your father has a very extensive 
               wardrobe.
 
               
               Kramer enters after Elaine, banging his pipe on the door frame.
 
               
               
               
               
               New scene.

               
               Jerry's Brain and Penis are still playing chess, Jerry's Brain 
               appears to have
 
               
               the upper hand.

               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               What's the matter, fella? You look a 
               little tired. Ha ha ha ha
 
               
               ha!

               
                             ISABEL
               Nelson, don't you see? You are a part 
               of me, and I, I am a part of
 
               
               you.

               
                             JERRY'S PENIS
               It's killing me. (Makes a move)

               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               That's your move?

               
                             JERRY'S PENIS
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               Well that's trouble, my friend. That's 
               big trouble. Checkmate!
 
               
                             JERRY'S PENIS
               Getting weak... Losing

               
               power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're 
               nothing
 
               
               without me. Nothing!

               
               Jerry's Penis disappears with an audible pop.

               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               Punk.

               
                             JERRY
               Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working.
 
               
               
               Isabel checks the script with a puzzled look on her face.

               
               
               
               Back to Elaine, Kramer and the landlord at Albert Pepper's apartment.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Daddy certainly does have an extensive 
               wardrobe.
 
               
                             LANDLORD
               He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I 
               don't have to tell you he's quite
 
               
               
               popular with the ladies.

               
                             ELAINE
               My father, really? I had no idea.

               
                             LANDLORD
               Yes, they're crazy about him. There 
               was one in particular, came
 
               
               around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. 
               Could have been
 
               
               your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's 
               it, Babs
 
               
               Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the 
               street, drunken
 
               
               stumblebum.

               
                             KRAMER
               You don't say?

               
                             ELAINE
               I found it!

               
                             LANDLORD
               The woman used to walk around here half 
               naked, sucking Colt 45 from a
 
               
               can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her 
               knees,
 
               
               screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy 
               ape, and bring
 
               
               back that box of Danish!"

               
               Throughout the landlord's narrative, Kramer becomes more and 
               more agitated.
 
               
               Finally, he grabs the pipe out of his mouth.

               
               
               
               New scene.

               
               The four are at their usual booth at the coffee shop.

               
                             KRAMER
               So I grabbed the guy by the collar.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, 
               you're killing him!"
 
               
                             JERRY
               So I assume the jig was up.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, pretty much.

               
               Kramer shows off the fruits of their labor; he's wearing the 
               jacket. Audrey
 
               
               walks in, her nose has been repaired and she's absolutely beautiful.
 
               
               
                             AUDREY
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             AUDREY
               Hello.

               
                             GEORGE
               Audrey? My god, you look incredible! 
               I can't believe it!
 
               
                             AUDREY
               Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So, will I see you later tonight?

               
                             AUDREY
               Not sure.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'll check

               
               you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready?

               
                             AUDREY
               I didn't wash.

               
                             KRAMER
               Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae 
               Lounge.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in 
               such perfect
 
               
               proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who 
               would have
 
               
               though she's like--

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine. Shut up.

               
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? 
               Do we really
 
               need to insult the person at this particular moment of their 
               lives? They know
 
               they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really 
               need the
 
               abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything 
               else? When someone
 
               goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to 
               perform a
 
               cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to 
               remove the
 
               skinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term."
 
               
               
               
               
                                   THE END




The Nose Job



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy