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Movie Chat



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                              THE NOTE



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. 
               "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They
               can't all be the best. 
 
               There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom 
               of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying 
               to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah,
               he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got,
               it'll be worse after you see him. 
 
               He's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher."? And then there's 
               always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." 
               Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! 
               Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs."
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry is getting a massage.)

               
                             JULIANNA
               ...And usually for lunch I'll have a 
               salad, and for dinner, I eat
 
               whatever I want.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you think the worst part of 
               being blind is?
 
               
                             JULIANNA
               Excuse me?

               
                             JERRY
               You know, if you were blind what do 
               you think the worst part of it would
 
               
               be?

               
                             JULIANNA
               I don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               I think it would be not being able to 
               tell if there was bugs in my food. 
 
               
               How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be 
               feeling around
 
               with my lips and my tongue.

               
                             JULIANNA
               Well that's how my five-year old eats. 
               He's a very picky eater.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You hear about that kid that was kidnapped 
               the other day in
 
               Pennsylvania?

               
                             JULIANNA
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               He was at a carnival with his mother. 
               She goes to get a hot dog, next
 
               thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.

               
                             JULIANNA
               Oh.

               
                             JERRY
               Imagine how sick a person has to be 
               to do something like that. And
 
               these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, 
               I could be one
 
               of these people.

               
                             JULIANNA
               Have you seen any good movies?

               
                             JERRY
               Who takes care of your boy during the 
               day?
 
               
                             JULIANNA
               We have a woman. Why?

               
                             JERRY
               No no. I'm just saying.

               
                             JULIANNA
               She had references.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. 
               I'm talking about the
 
               ones that forge them. You know I think this is really helping.
 
               
               
                             JULIANNA
               I don't live near here, ya know!

               
               
               
               
               Jerry, Elaine and George are at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               So she's giving me the massage and I'm 
               just making conversation.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't like to talk during a massage.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Neither do I, but I do it for them. 
               I figure they're bored.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about 
               getting the pleasure. I feel
 
               like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying 
               it. There's
 
               nothing to eat in here.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! I forgot to tell you--

               
                             JERRY
               I'm in the middle of a story.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, go ahead.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why don't you ever go shopping?

               
                             JERRY
               Not like it's a really funny story or 
               anything.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What happened?

               
                             JERRY
               Well so she mentioned that she had a 
               son, and the for some reason I
 
               launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was 
               abducted.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, wasn't that terrible?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, it was.

               
                             GEORGE
               Not even an apple.

               
                             ELAINE
               She doesn't want to hear that, that 
               was stupid.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know it was stupid.

               
                             ELAINE
               Really stupid.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I just said it was stupid.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about this leftover Chinese food?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Take it.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe you said that.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, would you stop it already?

               
                             ELAINE
               So, what did she say?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, she actually seemed to 
               get a little paranoid.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is terrible. What is this, ginger? 
               I hate ginger. I can't
 
               understand how anyone can eat ginger.

               
                             ELAINE
               I have a good masseuse you could go 
               to.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nah, she's really good and she's not 
               just a masseuse, she's a physical
 
               
               therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, 
               it's a real
 
               medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's 
               covered by
 
               insurance.

               
                             GEORGE
               Physical therapy is covered by insurance?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't have to pay for the massage?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Not if you have a doctor's note.

               
                             ELAINE
               So where do you get this note?

               
                             JERRY
               Well I've never actually done it but 
               if I really wanted to I could
 
               probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.

               
                             GEORGE
               Right, your friend Roy.

               
                             ELAINE
               What's the name of this physical therapist?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything 
               about her kid, she a little
 
               off.

               
                             GEORGE
               And you don't have to pay.

               
               
               
               George and Elaine are at the physical therapist's office.

               
                             GEORGE
               We have three-o'clock appointments.
 
               
               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               George and Elaine, right? Could you 
               fill these out for me
 
               please? And Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna, and George, you'll 
               be with
 
               Raymond.

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, did you say 'Raymond'?

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               But, uh, Raymond is a man.

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               That's right.

               
               George sits down slowly, letting this sink in.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't get a massage from a man.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why not?

               
                             GEORGE
               What, are you crazy? I can't have a 
               man touching me. Switch with me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I don't want the man either.

               
                             GEORGE
               What's the difference, you're a woman. 
               They're supposed to be touching
 
               you.

               
                             ELAINE
               He'd just be touching your back.

               
                             GEORGE
               He'd just be touching your back too.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, it could get sexual.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know. That's the point. If it's gonna 
               get sexual, it should get
 
               sexual with you.

               
                             ELAINE
               I wouldn't be comfortable.

               
                             GEORGE
               I would? What if something happens?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What could happen?

               
                             GEORGE
               What if it felt good?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's supposed to feel good.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't want it to feel good.

               
                             ELAINE
               Then why get the massage?

               
                             GEORGE
               Exactly!

               
               A man walks up dressed in white.

               
                             RAYMOND
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes?

               
                             RAYMOND
               I'm Raymond.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello.

               
                             RAYMOND
               Are you ready?

               
               George gets up cautiously and walks with Raymond.

               
               
               
               George is on the table getting a massage from Raymond. George 
               appears extremely
 
               uncomfortable.

               
                             RAYMOND
               ...And then Julianna asked me if I wanted 
               to join her here in the
 
               office.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really.

               
                             RAYMOND
               I used to be a flight attendant.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh boy.

               
                             RAYMOND
               Ya know, why don't you open those pants, 
               it's gonna be a lot easier
 
               that way.

               
               George loosens his pants, Raymond grabs them and yanks then down 
               his hips then
 
               starts massaging his lower back.

               
                             RAYMOND
               So what do you do?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             RAYMOND
               I said, 'What do you do?'.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know.

               
                             RAYMOND
               You don't know what you do?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nah.

               
                             RAYMOND
               Oh, come on. Hey, you're very tense.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Coffee. Too much coffee.

               
                             RAYMOND
               Okay, just take off those pants now, 
               I'll work the hamstring.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, the hamstring's fine.

               
                             RAYMOND
               But you wrote that it was tender.

               
                             GEORGE
               I wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote.

               
                             RAYMOND
               I'll check it out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Are you sure?

               
                             RAYMOND
               Yeah, take 'em off.

               
               George gets up to remove his pants, he looks over and sees Raymond 
               rubbing his
 
               hands with oil. Nervous, George pulls his pants down and climbs 
               back on the
 
               table. As soon as Raymond touches his leg, George becomes rigid 
               with
 
               discomfort.

               
                             RAYMOND
               How did you hurt this?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know.

               
                             RAYMOND
               You don't know?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             RAYMOND
               But you just told me--

               
                             GEORGE
               Korea.

               
                             RAYMOND
               You hurt it in Korea?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             RAYMOND
               The hamstring.

               
                             GEORGE
               Korea.

               
                             RAYMOND
               How?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hamstring.

               
                             RAYMOND
               How did you hurt the hamstring?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hotel.

               
               
               
               Elaine is in the waiting room, George walks out very slowly, 
               he appears
 
               positively shell-shocked.

               
                             ELAINE
               How'd it go? George?

               
               George walks right out the door, ignoring Elaine.

               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               No appointments at all? Because my neck 
               is still tight. What about
 
               Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway.

               
               George enters acting nervous.

               
                             JERRY
               What's with you?

               
                             GEORGE
               A...

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, A...?

               
                             GEORGE
               A man gave me...

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, a man gave you...?

               
                             GEORGE
               A man gave me... a massage.

               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             GEORGE
               So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He was what?!

               
                             GEORGE
               He was... touching and rubbing.

               
                             JERRY
               That's a massage.

               
                             GEORGE
               And then I took my pants off.

               
                             JERRY
               You took your pants off?

               
                             GEORGE
               For my hamstring.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
                             GEORGE
               He got about two inches from... there.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               I think it moved.

               
                             JERRY
               Moved?

               
                             GEORGE
               It may have moved, I don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sure it didn't move.

               
                             GEORGE
               It moved! It was imperceptible but I 
               felt it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe it just wanted to change positions? 
               You know, shift to the other
 
               side.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, 
               this was a move.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay, so what if it moved?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's the sign! The test; if a man 
               makes it move.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's not the test. Contact is the 
               test, if it moves as a result of
 
               contact.

               
                             GEORGE
               You think it's contact? It has to be 
               touched?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's what a gym teacher once told 
               me.
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. 
               You know, I looked in there
 
               and there he was having coffee and a donut.

               
                             JERRY
               Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Joe DiMaggio.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut 
               he goes to a fancy restaurant
 
               or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well maybe he likes Dinky Donuts.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't even like to sit next to a man 
               on an airplane 'cause our knees
 
               might touch.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at 
               the counter in little tiny filthy
 
               
               smelly Dinky Donuts.

               
                             KRAMER
               Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut 
               like everyone else?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He can have a donut, but not at Dinky.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't even like to use urinals, I've 
               always been a stall man.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look I'm telling-- (he does a double 
               take and looks at George) I'm
 
               telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio.

               
                             GEORGE
               The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's 
               in Dinky Donuts. What about
 
               this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.

               
                             JERRY
               I never said I'd do that.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you talking about, that's seventy-five 
               bucks! I'm not
 
               working, I can't afford that.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know how I feel about it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, alright.

               
                             KRAMER
               A stall man, huh?

               
               
               
               George and Jerry are in Roy's office.

               
                             JERRY
               ...so we were just kinda wondering if 
               it was possible for you to write
 
               us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine.

               
                             GEORGE
               He didn't say he can't.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, if you feel funny about it at 
               all.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He doesn't feel funny.

               
                             JERRY
               If he does.

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He feels funny. You don't have to do 
               this.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He knows that!

               
                             JERRY
               Roy, should we go? Is this a breach 
               of our friendship?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, can you be any more dramatic?

               
                             ROY
               Don't be ridiculous. (Notices George 
               looking at a poster on the wall) 
 
               
               Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got 
               a hell of a
 
               body, doesn't he?

               
                             GEORGE
               How would I know?

               
                             ROY
               Do you like him?

               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean, like him?

               
                             ROY
               Do you like him?

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean he's a good fighter and a nice 
               guy but I don't like him.
 
               
                             ROY
               How come you don't like him?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why should I?

               
                             JERRY
               What is the matter with you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing, why? You think something's 
               wrong? Am I different?
 
               
                             ROY
               So, you want the notes?

               
                             JERRY
               You don't have to, really.

               
                             ROY
               Nah nah, it's ok.

               
                             JERRY
               We should probably get one for Elaine, 
               too, right George? (turns to
 
               George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George?
 
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well what about the week after? No appointments 
               at all? (Jerry tries
 
               to sit down on the couch, but Elaine is too close to the end 
               and he has to
 
               squeeze in between her and the arm to sit down) Can I at least 
               just talk to her
 
               so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, 
               I make one
 
               innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut 
               off. This woman
 
               is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Well you were too close to me, I was 
               all scrunched in there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here 
               first.
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop 
               again.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh huh.

               
                             ELAINE
               Joe DiMaggio?

               
                             KRAMER
               Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went 
               in and sat down across from him
 
               and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, 
               he dunks.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?

               
                             KRAMER
               That's right.

               
                             JERRY
               See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio 
               could not be a dunker.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, he's a dunker.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why couldn't he be a dunker?

               
                             KRAMER
               And nothing diverts his attention. Like, 
               I'm uh, you know, like I'm
 
               sitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table, 
               you know, to uh,
 
               look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* 
               (slams the
 
               table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing 
               these yelping
 
               noises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction 
               because
 
               the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything 
               that's going on
 
               around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like 
               he hits.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So then what?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, then the waitress, she comes up 
               and she tells me to shut up or
 
               they're gonna throw me out.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why didn't you just call out his name?
 
               
               
               George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee.

               
                             JERRY
               What happened to you?

               
                             GEORGE
               One of those kids called me a Mary.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               A what?

               
                             GEORGE
               I was jumping over a puddle and for 
               some reason I went like this.
 
               (George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) They called 
               me a Mary. So I
 
               chased them, and I tripped and I fell.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, you know kids, they can be very 
               perceptive.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, George? What is this? (Elaine makes 
               the same outstretched arm
 
               motion) What is that? No really, what is that?

               
               George heads for the bathroom, the phone rings, Kramer answers 
               it, Jerry grabs
 
               it from him.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god, 
               how did this happen? What can I
 
               do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's 
               under
 
               investigation for insurance fraud.

               
                             KRAMER
               ...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' 
               Joe DiMaggio. Joe,
 
               Joe. Go, Joe...

               
                             JERRY
               I told you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Told me what?

               
                             JERRY
               I told you we shouldn't do it.

               
                             GEORGE
               He didn't say anything.

               
                             JERRY
               He's got a house, a family, they could 
               take away his license. You
 
               should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never 
               should have
 
               got three notes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Three notes?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you, me and George.

               
                             ELAINE
               You got me a note?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               But I got my own note.

               
                             JERRY
               You what?

               
                             ELAINE
               I got a note from my gynecologist.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why'd you do that?

               
                             ELAINE
               I didn't know you were getting me a 
               note.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Of course I was getting you a note.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               But you didn't say anything.

               
                             JERRY
               Neither did you, that's how he got caught. 
               We sent in four notes from
 
               two doctors.

               
                             KRAMER
               How can you do that to your friend? 
               He's got a wife, kids, and a lot
 
               of other stuff. Oh, yeah.

               
               Kramer leaves.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at Roy's office.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Pam.

               
                             PAM
               Hello.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               I just thought maybe I could talk to 
               Roy.
 
               
               Roy walks in.

               
                             ROY
               Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan... 
               Hi.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hi Roy.

               
                             GEORGE
               How ya doing?

               
                             ROY
               Come on back, I have a patient but she's 
               under.
 
               
               
               
               Roy, Jerry and George are talking over a woman sleeping in a 
               dental chair.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't even know what to say.

               
                             GEORGE
               Me neither.

               
                             JERRY
               I knew this would happen.

               
                             GEORGE
               Me too.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean the whole thing, it's just...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Tragic.

               
                             JERRY
               Well it's not tragic.

               
                             GEORGE
               No?

               
                             JERRY
               No, it's...

               
                             GEORGE
               Unsettling?

               
                             JERRY
               Okay. I mean, what if the--

               
               Pam walks in and interrupts.

               
                             PAM
               I hope you're both happy.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not happy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Me neither. I've never been happy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not 
               now.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               In college, maybe. Those were fun times.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, college was fun.

               
               Pam walks in again and interjects.

               
                             PAM
               You know the whole practice is in jeopardy, 
               you know that?
 
               
                             ROY
               Don't mind her.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh please, I love her.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've just met her but I'm very impressed.
 
               
               
                             ROY
               I can't understand, I've never had a 
               problem with these notes before.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's the next move, what's gonna happen 
               now?
 
               
                             ROY
               Well, nothing really, as long as we 
               get the physical therapist to go along
 
               
               with our story.

               
                             JERRY
               What? The physical therapist? Why?
 
               
               
                             ROY
               She just has to say the complaint was 
               related to a dental problem.
 
               
               The woman in the chair wakes up and looks at Jerry and George.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How ya doing?

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at Julianna's office.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi. Look, I know I don't have an appointment 
               but it's really important
 
               that I talk with Julianna.

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I know she's mad at me but I really 
               have to speak with her.
 
               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               I told you, she's not here.

               
                             JERRY
               You don't understand.

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Look, you have to leave.

               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second, don't you-- (Julianna 
               walks up with her child) Hi. Hi. 
 
               
               Look, I don't know what you--

               
                             JULIANNA
               Please!

               
                             JERRY
               --but, you see, let me just talk to 
               you for a second, see, what I did is
 
               
               inadvertently sent an insurance--

               
                             JULIANNA
               I treated you, so please, just get out 
               of the office!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can't you just listen to me?

               
                             JULIANNA
               Run Billy! Run to the office and close 
               the
 
               door! (to the receptionist) Call the police!

               
               Julianna then runs down the hall.

               
                             JERRY
               The police?

               
               Raymond the masseuse walks up.

               
                             RAYMOND
               Hi George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Raymond?

               
               
               
               Elaine, Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I mean it's only six months probation, 
               it's a slap on the wrist.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations 
               forthcoming.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Men have been popping into my sexual 
               fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll
 
               be in the middle.

               
                             ELAINE
               Of what? Oh.

               
                             GEORGE
               And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. 
               I say "Get out of here! 
 
               What do you want? You don't belong here!"

               
                             ELAINE
               What do they do?

               
                             GEORGE
               They talk back. They go, "Hey George, 
               how's it going?" I say, "Get
 
               the hell out of here!"

               
               Jerry spots Kramer through the window.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the 
               glass to get Kramer's attention) 
 
               
               Maybe it's time you got as different hobby.

               
               Kramer enters and sits at the booth.

               
                             KRAMER
               I just came from Roy's. I threw up from 
               the gas.
 
               
               The three all put down their coffee cups simultaneously.

               
                             JERRY
               Did he say anything?

               
                             KRAMER
               No no, he's fine.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god, it's...

               
                             GEORGE
               Joe DiMaggio.

               
                             KRAMER
               Where?

               
                             JERRY
               Having a cup of coffee.

               
                             ELAINE
               He's dunking!

               
                             JERRY
               Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper. 
               Here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You see? Now that is a handsome man. 
               (Elaine and Jerry look right at
 
               George) Oh please.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait, wait. *bang* (he slams his hand 
               down on the table) *bang*
 
               (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* See? 
               I told you.
 
               
               
               (Closing monologue)

               
               What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual 
               man worry? I 
               think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales 
               resistance. We're 
               constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. 
               Men think, 
               "Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally 
               wander into 
               some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and 
               the salesman 
               goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little 
               bit, see how 
               you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you 
               like to see him in a sandal?'"

               


                              THE END


The Note



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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