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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE OLD MAN



                             Written by

                           Larry Charles




 
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, what's the point? When I like them, 
               they don't like me, when
 
               
               they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones 
               I
 
               
               like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you've only got another fifty 
               years or so to go before it'll
 
               
               *all* be over...

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak 
               English.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, how about a mute?

               
                             GEORGE
               A mute would be good.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?

               
                             GEORGE
               This is what my life has come to... 
               Tryin to meet a mute.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's 
               a void, Jerry,
 
               
               there's a void...

               
                             JERRY
               A deep, yawning chasm...

               
                             GEORGE
               There's gotta be more to life than this. 
               What gives you pleasure?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Listening to you. I listen to this for 
               fifteen minutes and I'm on
 
               
               top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey boys!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey! How you doin'?

               
                             ELAINE
               Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start 
               tomorrow.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Start what?

               
                             ELAINE
               I signed up to do volunteer work with 
               senior citizens.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               *Really*.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! 
               I mean, I feel *so*
 
               
               *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I
 
               
               
               haven't even met the woman yet.

               
                             GEORGE
               Volunteer work, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               What're you gonna do down there?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, they say all it is is that you 
               go over to their apartment and,
 
               
               I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee 
               and
 
               
               it's supposed to make them feel good.

               
                             JERRY
               That's what I do with him (points at 
               George)
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               When did you get this idea?

               
                             ELAINE
               Last time I had lunch with you here. 
               You were going *on* and *on*
 
               
               and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak
 
               
               
               English.

               
                             JERRY
               What, do you break it in with her, then 
               you try it out on me?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And... and anybody can do this?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yup.

               
                             GEORGE
               Helping people... Of course. Of course! 
               It makes perfect sense!
 
               
               How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (To Jerry) What about you?

               
                             JERRY
               Nah, it's not for me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, 
               it's you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What *kind* of a person are you?

               
                             JERRY
               I think I'm pretty much like you-- only 
               successful.
 
               
               
               
               
                             AGENCY REP
               This is a wonderful thing you're doing. 
               They're so grateful
 
               
               just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that

               
               everyone who participates finds the experience extremely

               
               rewarding.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' 
               like a good person.
 
               
                             AGENCY REP
               Good luck.

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, what's your guy's name again?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. 
               *87*. How about your
 
               
               guy?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll 
               make it to that age?
 
               
                             JERRY
               *We*? No.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               So what's up, Diggity Dog?

               
                             JERRY
               George and I just signed up with the 
               Senior Citizen's Volunteer
 
               
               Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I 
               didn't try to warn you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What're you talkin' about?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's a *con*. These agencies are usually 
               a front for some money
 
               
               laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out 
               of
 
               
               their life savings, oh *yeah*.

               
                             JERRY
               Where do you *get* this?

               
                             KRAMER
               The alternative media, Jerry. That's 
               where you hear the truth.
 
               
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! 
               Kramer!!?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm in here. C'mon...

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, *Newman*...

               
                             NEWMAN
               Jerry, George. (To Kramer) So, did you 
               ask him about the records?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well--

               
                             JERRY
               What records?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, Newman and I are going partners 
               selling used records.
 
               
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? 
               They pay big cash for used
 
               
               records!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, so we thought if you had any of 
               those big, y'know, old-
 
               
               fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--

               
                             KRAMER
               Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, 
               free of charge.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Let me ask you something. What do you 
               do for a living, Newman?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I'm a United States postal worker.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Aren't those the guys that always go 
               crazy and come back with a
 
               
               gun and shoot everybody?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Sometimes...

               
                             JERRY
               Why *is* that?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Because the mail never stops. It just 
               keeps coming and coming and
 
               
               coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it
 
               
               
               piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but 
               the
 
               
               more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the 
               bar
 
               
               code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             RON
               I'll give you five bucks.

               
                             KRAMER
               Five bucks???

               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, you know how much those records 
               are worth!?
 
               
                             RON
               Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Those records are worth more than five 
               dollars!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (In Newman's ear) He's gyppin' us...
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               You're gyppin' us!

               
                             RON
               Well, whattya got here, y'know, you 
               got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu",
 
               
               you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio 
               Mendes,
 
               
               now come on...

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has 
               a cult following.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               They follow him like a cult.

               
                             KRAMER
               He can't even walk down the street in 
               South America...
 
               
                             RON
               Look, that's his problem, alright? Now 
               you don't like it, too bad.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (In Newman's ear) I don't like it...
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               I don't like it.

               
                             RON
               Well, then get the Hell out of my store, 
               alright? You bring me
 
               
               something decent, I'll give you some money.

               
                             KRAMER
               (In Newman's ear) Alright, well be back, 
               jack.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Alright, well be back... *jack*!

               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent 
               me.
 
               
                             HOUSEKEEPER
               Agency?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?
 
               
               
                             HOUSEKEEPER
               Sid Fields.

               
               
               
                             SID
               What the *Hell* is it?

               
                             JERRY
               Mr. Fields?

               
                             SID
               What!?!

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent 
               me.
 
               
                             SID
               Agency? What agency? The *CIA*?

               
                             JERRY
               No, no, the--

               
                             SID
               Who let you in here?

               
                             JERRY
               The woman, she--

               
                             SID
               Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals 
               my money. She says she
 
               
               doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays
 
               
               
               that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks
 
               
               
               she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well,
 
               
               
               I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as 
               Hell
 
               
               wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...

               
                             JERRY
               Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time 
               with you.
 
               
                             SID
               Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I 
               know she's got a boyfriend.
 
               
               Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud,
 
               
               
               you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? (Jerry gets out card)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--

               
                             SID
               I can't read that you fool...

               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's all this stuff?

               
                             SID
               Trash. Garbage.

               
                             JERRY
               You're throwin' this out??

               
                             SID
               I believe that's what you do with garbage, 
               you idiot.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You don't want any of this?

               
                             SID
               Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing 
               it away, *Ein-stein*.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know I have some friends who would 
               really like to have these.
 
               
                             SID
               Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not 
               going to give it to my family.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, do you want to go out for a walk, 
               get a cup of coffee...
 
               
                             SID
               With you? I'd rather be dead.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just 
               remembered I got an
 
               
               appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.

               
                             SID
               Good. Thank God. Good riddance. (pause)
 
               
               
               Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? 
               HAA!!
 
               
               
               
                             BEN
               No, I feel great for 85.

               
                             GEORGE
               Y'know the average life span for an 
               American male is like, 72.
 
               
               You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.

               
                             BEN
               I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think 
               about it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. 
               I think about it at my
 
               
               age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. 
               All
 
               
               I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...
 
               
               
                             BEN
               I'm grateful for every moment I have.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Grateful? How can you be grateful when 
               you're *so* close to the
 
               
               end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all 
               be
 
               
               over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting 
               on the
 
               
               wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...

               
                             BEN
               I guess I just don't care.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you talking about? How can 
               you sit there and look me in
 
               
               the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have 
               any
 
               
               *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile
 
               
               
               that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a second, where are you going?
 
               
               
                             BEN
               Life's too short to waste on you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute, please--

               
                             BEN
               Get out of my way...

               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me 
               for the soup...
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Mrs. Oliver?

               
                             MRS. O
               Yes my dear.

               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ooh!

               
                             MRS. O
               What's the trouble? Are you alright?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

               
                             MRS. O
               It's my goiter, isn't it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Did you say goiter? What goiter?

               
                             MRS. O
               This football-shaped lump jutting out 
               the side of my neck.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... 
               Whaddya know...
 
               
                             MRS. O
               Does it bother you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a 
               little goiter like that
 
               
               bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um,
 
               
               
               in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you
 
               
               
               want to know something? I, I wish I had one. (pause) Really.
 
               
               
               (END Act I)

               
               
                             JERRY
               C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know what I'm going to do. I 
               can't look the woman in the
 
               
               face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start
 
               
               
               talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they 
               send
 
               
                             YOU OVER THERE
               "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* 
               has a second
 
               
               head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.

               
                             JERRY
               They really should mention that in the 
               breakdown: height, weight,
 
               
               goiter.

               
                             ELAINE
               Y'know you try to do some good. You 
               want to be a good person but
 
               
               this is too much to ask.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather 
               talk to a goiter with a nice
 
               
               disposition than the nut they sent me to.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey Georgie, what happened with your 
               guy?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't think it's gonna work out...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Whattya mean?

               
                             GEORGE
               He fired me.

               
                             JERRY
               He fired you?!?

               
                             ELAINE
               *How* do you get fired from a volunteer 
               job?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I dunno. I was just talking to the man 
               and he walked out on me!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm 
               quitting. I hate my guy.
 
               
               He's a mean, mean guy.

               
                             ELAINE
               I wish I could quit...

               
                             JERRY
               So quit!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one 
               of the few things I do well.
 
               
               I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, 
               my
 
               
               grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, here's your *albums* (Journey 
               "Escape" is on top, BTW...)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What happened?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening 
               to? You *embarrassed* me
 
               
               at that store.

               
                             NEWMAN
               That guy thought we were a couple of 
               total squares.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even 
               go to the bathroom in
 
               
               South America!

               
               
                             JERRY
               Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums 
               this old guy I was
 
               
               
               Jolson, Benny Goodman...

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin 
               them out??
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend 
               could have them and he
 
               
               said yeah.

               
               Kramer Okay...

               
                             NEWMAN
               (In Kramer's ear) The old coot's sittin' 
               on a mountain of gold!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah...

               
                             JERRY
               But you're going to have to go get em. 
               I'm not carryin' them
 
               
               all.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact 
               you should see this house
 
               
               keeper he's got. She's from Senegal (and, ala Carson) Wild, Wild,
 
               
               
               Stuff...

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Senegal?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So you don't speak *any* English at 
               all?
 
               
                             HOUSEKEEPER
               English? No.

               
                             SID
               Hey, what are those bums doin' back 
               there?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well you said they could come and take 
               the records.
 
               
                             SID
               It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas 
               goin' through the garbage.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You don't speak *any* English?

               
                             HOUSEKEEPER
               No English.

               
                             GEORGE
               I would like to dip my bald head in 
               oil and rub it all over
 
               
               your body.

               
               (No reaction) You don't understand! It's a miracle! You

               
               don't understand because you don't speak English!

               
                             JERRY
               So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this 
               arrangement is--
 
               
                             SID
               Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around 
               here. I want all you bums
 
               
               outta here.

               
                             KRAMER
               Now calm down, Mr. Fields...

               
                             SID
               Now don't tell me to calm down... Get 
               your hands off of me! Why you
 
               
               little...

               
                             KRAMER
               Oooow! He's biting me!

               
               
               
                             SID
               My teeth! My teeth!

               
                             JERRY
               Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I thought I saw something fly over here...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well turn the light on...

               
               
                             JERRY
               That's the garbage disposal!

               
                             SID
               My teeth! You idiots!!!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             MRS. O
               And we would take long automobile trips--
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of 
               fun...
 
               
                             MRS. O
               Staring out the window--

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh huh...

               
                             MRS. O
               You'd see a long view of rolling pastures 
               and--
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, that'll get you goin' right there...
 
               
               
                             MRS. O
               Big, roaming cows--

               
                             ELAINE
               Cows, well that's fascinating...

               
                             MRS. O
               That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             MRS. O
               Mohandas.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ghandhi?

               
                             MRS. O
               Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*--
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You had an affair with Ghandhi?

               
                             MRS. O
               He used to dip his bald head in oil 
               and rub it all over my body.
 
               
               Here, look... (shows Elaine a picture of the two together)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, my God... The Mohatma?

               
               
               
                             RON
               Twenty bucks.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your 
               mind?
 
               
                             RON
               Well, take it or leave it.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* 
               here, *Al Jolson*!!
 
               
                             RON
               Now what the Hell do I care about Al 
               Jolson. I'd just assume her
 
               
               you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...

               
                             KRAMER
               (In Newman's ear) This guy's nothin' 
               but a piece of crap...
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               You are nothing but a piece of crap.
 
               
               
                             RON
               Pardon me?

               
                             KRAMER
               (In Newman's ear) A piece of crap...
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               A piece of crap.

               
                             KRAMER
               (In Newman's ear) I find you extremely 
               ugly...
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I find you extremely ugly.

               
                             RON
               *Do* you?

               
                             KRAMER
               (In Newman's ear) You emit a foul and 
               unpleasant odour...
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.
 
               
               
                             RON
               Oh, is that right?

               
                             KRAMER
               (In Newman's ear) I *loathe* you...
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               I *loathe* you.

               
                             RON
               That's it. Get out of my store!

               
                             KRAMER
               (In Newman's ear) Make us.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Make us!

               
                             RON
               Oh, I'll make you!

               
               
               
                             AGENCY REP
               Do you realize how irresponsible this 
               is? Our agency's sole
 
               
               purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop
 
               
               
               you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, but--

               
               
                             JERRY
               (Into intercom) Yes?

               
                             TIM
               It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, c'mon up.

               
                             JERRY
               (To Rep) I dunno what happened, we were 
               just trying to take
 
               
               him to the dentist.

               
                             AGENCY REP
               Why were you taking him to the dentist?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Um, well, his false teeth got mangled 
               up in the garbage
 
               
               disposal--

               
                             AGENCY REP
               What were his false teeth doing in the 
               garbage disposal?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, after he bit my friend--

               
                             AGENCY REP
               Bit your friend?!

               
               
                             TIM
               What the *Hell* is going on here? How 
               do you *lose* a human
 
               
               being?!

               
                             JERRY
               I, I'm sorry.

               
                             TIM
               And who were these other people. What 
               were they doing in the
 
               
               apartment!?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I brought them up there to take 
               his records--
 
               
                             TIM
               Take his *records*? Do you realize how 
               valuable that record
 
               
               collection is?

               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               There you are. Did you find him?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, y'know we took the old man's records 
               over to Ron's and he
 
               
               tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.

               
                             NEWMAN
               It was a real melee.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, a real brouhaha...

               
               
               
               
               
               Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head.
 
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Old Man



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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