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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE OPERA



                             Written by

                            Larry Charles




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that 
               men are all the
 
               same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding 
               is like
 
               the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. 
               The tuxedo
 
               is a wedding safety device created by women because they know 
               that men are
 
               undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just 
               takes one
 
               step over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding 
               vow isn't 'do
 
               you take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'.

               
               INSIDE JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT

               
                             JERRY
               (answering machine) leave a message 
               and I'll call you back, thanks.
 
                             JOE DIVOLA
               Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* 
               I have a hair on my
 
               tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course 
               you do,
 
               you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know 
               you
 
               badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. 
               Now I'm gonna
 
               put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before, and I will 
               kibosh
 
               again.

               
               JERRY'S APARTMENT.

               
               JERRY ENTERS

               
               KRAMER ENTERS

               
                             KRAMER
               So, what do you think?

                             JERRY
               About what?

                             KRAMER
               About the opera.

                             JERRY
               Nah, I don't wanna go.

                             KRAMER
               You gotta go.

                             JERRY
               I-I-I don't like the opera. What are 
               they singing for? Who sings?
 
               You got something to say, say it!

                             KRAMER
               Jerry, you don't understand, that's 
               the way they talk in Italy,
 
               they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right, all right.

                             KRAMER
               That's the way it was, you know. You 
               listen to the language, its
 
               got that sing songy quality. It's the language Jerry, the language
 
               
                             JERRY
               So why don't they talk like that now?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep 
               up, you know, they were
 
               tired.

               
               BUZZER

               
                             KRAMER
               Better get that

                             JERRY
               Yeah?

                             ELAINE
               (intercom) it's me!

                             JERRY
               Come on up.

                             KRAMER
               So, huh?

                             JERRY
               I don't know

                             KRAMER
               Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, 
               black tie, Pagliacci! The
 
               great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you.

                             JERRY
               Well it's very flattering. How did you 
               get these tickets, I heard
 
               they're impossible to get.

                             KRAMER
               Oh, well I have many associates.

                             JERRY
               I don't know, opera, it's not my kind 
               of thing.
 
                             KRAMER
               All right, you not gonna go I'm not 
               gonna go, I'm gonna call the
 
               whole thing off.

                             JERRY
               No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that's 
               not fair, what about
 
               George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?

                             KRAMER
               You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs 
               the drink. You're the
 
               Miana!

                             JERRY
               Well I guess if I'm the Miana I should 
               go. All right, all right.
 
               
               ELAINE ENTERS

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi!

                             JERRY
               Hi!

                             KRAMER
               Hey! Hi Elaine!

                             ELAINE
               You got the tickets right?

                             KRAMER
               Well no, I don't have them on me.

                             ELAINE
               What? That's why I came all the way 
               over here.
 
                             KRAMER
               My friends got 'em, I'm going to pick 
               them up tomorrow.
 
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, 
               you got an extra one
 
               right?

                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah!

                             JERRY
               So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Its killing you isn't it?

                             JERRY
               Yeah, so Joey's a great lover of the 
               opera
 
                             ELAINE
               Listen, I got news for ya, its nice 
               to be involved with somebody
 
               who's interested in something other than nick at night. Now he's 
               got a grip
 
               on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.

               
               JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT

               
               Opera music playing (Paliachi?)

               
               Divola is crying while lifting weights. Photos of Elaine are 
               scattered on
 
               the floor.

               
               JERRY'S APARTMENT

               
                             JERRY
               Well I'm looking forward to meeting 
               him.
 
                             ELAINE
               I've got to go

                             JERRY
               Where are you going, what's the rush?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm going to surprise Joey, I've never 
               been to his apartment so I'm
 
               just going to 'pop in'

                             JERRY
               Oh, good, men love that!

               
               Kramer is reading Jerry's mail under the lamp.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey!

                             KRAMER
               You've got a message buddy.

                             JERRY
               Ooo, could be from that blonde

                             KRAMER
               Oo yiggity diggigg

                             JOE DIVOLA
               (answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe 
               Divola. I have a hair on
 
               my tongue'

               
               JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT

               
               DIVOLA HAS HIS HAND OVER A CANDLE AND IS LAUGHING

               
               JERRY'S APARTMENT

               
                             JERRY
               (shouting) Kramer what am I going to 
               do did you hear that that guy's
 
               gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind....
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come 
               on, now get a hold of
 
               yourself,

                             JERRY
               What the hell he's supposed to be on 
               medication I don't understand
 
               he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm gonna call the cops. That's what 
               I'm doing, I'm calling the
 
               cops.

                             KRAMER
               The cops? What are you calling the cops 
               for? They're not going to
 
               do anything!

                             JERRY
               What do you mean they're not going to 
               do anything, they're the cops,
 
               they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you 
               know what the
 
               kibosh means, its a kibosh!

                             KRAMER
               Yiddigtkk ka kibosh.

                             JERRY
               I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean 
               he thinks I ruined some deal
 
               of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Call him and tell him

                             JERRY
               That's what I'll do, I'll just call 
               him and tell him, I'll tell him.
 
               That's all I'll do. He's a human being, I'll talk to him. He'll 
               understand.
 
               Right?

                             KRAMER
               Right.... Don't mention my name

                             JERRY
               Oh, I got the machine.

                             KRAMER
               What's his message like?

                             JERRY
               Nice!

                             KRAMER
               Eh!

                             JERRY
               (into phone) Hello Joe, listen this 
               is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think
 
               
               there's been a huge colossal misunderstanding,

                             KRAMER
               Big! Big!

                             JERRY
               and I feel if we can just talk about 
               this we can straighten the
 
               whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye.

               
               JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT

               
               The door is open. Elaine knocks and then enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Joey? Joey?

               
               She sees a wall covered in photos of her.

               Joe Divola enters and shuts the front door.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me!
 
               
                             JOE DIVOLA
               Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You left your door open.

                             JOE DIVOLA
               I know, I like to encourage intruders.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (laughs) What's all this?

                             JOE DIVOLA
               Do you like it? My home is a shrine 
               to you.
 
                             ELAINE
               Where did you get all these pictures?
 
               
                             JOE DIVOLA
               I took them myself with a telephoto 
               lens. Coming out of your
 
               office, your apartment, shopping, showering.

                             ELAINE
               Showering?

                             JOE DIVOLA
               I developed them myself in my dark room. 
               Would you like to see?
 
                             ELAINE
               In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. 
               Not right now. I'm a day
 
               person!... Are you all right?

                             JOE DIVOLA
               Why

                             ELAINE
               Well I don't know, you just don't seem 
               yourself?
 
                             JOE DIVOLA
               Who am I? Who am I supposed to be?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That's a good question, good question, 
               its very... exerstential!
 
               Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well.

                             JOE DIVOLA
               What are you doing here?

                             ELAINE
               Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, 
               you know, shoot the breeze.
 
                             JOE DIVOLA
               Were you able to get those opera tickets 
               to Pagliacci from that
 
               friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it.

                             ELAINE
               Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're 
               not going.
 
                             JOE DIVOLA
               Really?

                             ELAINE
               Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered 
               I gotta go, I left something
 
               on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on 
               somewhere so
 
               I'm just gonna get the uh..

               
               Divola is blocking the door with his head.

               
                             JOE DIVOLA
               You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh.. I'm Elaine!

                             JOE DIVOLA
               He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful 
               to him.
 
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

                             JOE DIVOLA
               Do you think I'm a clown, Nedda?

                             ELAINE
               Do I think you're a clown? No, not if 
               it's bad to be a clown, if
 
               it's bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But 
               if its good
 
               to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole 
               thing.
 
                             JOE DIVOLA
               You've betrayed me with another, haven't 
               you, Nedda? Who is he.
 
               I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his 
               name.
 
                             ELAINE
               Oh, like any man would ever look at 
               me, come on, I'm gonna... get
 
               out of here.

               
               Divola blocks the door when Elaine tries to leave.

               
                             JOE DIVOLA
               Pagliacci kills his wife.

                             ELAINE
               Se, now that's terrible, that is not 
               a nice thing to do at all, I
 
               don't know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would 
               assume
 
               that there is big big trouble for that clown

                             JOE DIVOLA
               You're not leaving

               
               Elaine sprays Divola in the eyes and he falls on his back. Elaine 
               leaves.
 
               
               JERRY'S APARTMENT.

               
                             JERRY
               (on phone) But officer, he threatened 
               me! I don't understand, that's
 
               not right! What if it was the President of the United States 
               I bet you'd
 
               investigate. So what's the difference, I'm a comedian of the 
               United States,
 
               and I'll tell you I'm under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks 
               anyway,
 
               ok bye.

               
               Knock at door.

               
                             JERRY
               (cautiously) Who is it?

                             GEORGE
               It's George.

               
               George enters wearing a very small tuxedo.

               
                             GEORGE
               What, are you locking the door now?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, well, look at you. It's a little 
               skimpy there isn't it?
 
                             GEORGE
               Do you know the last time I wore this 
               thing? Six years ago, when I
 
               made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.

                             JERRY
               Ooo, that was a bad toast.

                             GEORGE
               It wasn't that bad.

                             JERRY
               I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I was trying to loosen 'em up a little 
               bit.
 
                             JERRY
               There were old people there, all the 
               relatives. You were like a Red
 
               Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. 
               They were
 
               just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been 
               one of the
 
               worst all time toasts.

                             GEORGE
               Alright, still her father didn't have 
               to throw me out like that, he
 
               could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! 
               Susan's not
 
               going tonight you know.

                             JERRY
               What do you mean not going? why not?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, she said she had to pick 
               up a friend of hers at the
 
               airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.

                             JERRY
               Why doesn't she pay for hers?

                             GEORGE
               That's a very good question. You know 
               she and I go out for dinner,
 
               she doesn't even reach for the check. That's all I'm asking for 
               is a reach.
 
               Is that so much to ask for?

                             JERRY
               It's nice to get a reach.

               
               Loud thump is heard from the front door.

               
                             JERRY
               Who is it?

                             KRAMER
               It's me!

               
               Kramer is on the floor

               
                             KRAMER
               What, are you locking the door now?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Because of Divola! Get in here... How 
               come you're not dressed?
 
                             KRAMER
               I am dressed.

                             JERRY
               You're going like this?

                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I thought you said people dress up when 
               they go to the opera!
 
                             KRAMER
               People do, I don't.

                             JERRY
               Well what about me! If you're going 
               like that, I'm not going like
 
               this.

                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you 
               think I'm comfortable here. I
 
               can't change, I've got no clothes here! You've got to go like 
               that, I can't
 
               go like this alone!

                             JERRY
               Why should I be uncomfortable just because 
               my apartment is closer to
 
               town hall than yours?

                             GEORGE
               That's not the issue, we're friends, 
               if I've got to be
 
               uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!

                             JERRY
               All right, all right, I'll wear this. 
               It's bad enough I've got to go
 
               to the opera I've got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here.
 
               
               
               Kramer is playing opera music

               
                             JERRY
               Would you turn that down! What is that 
               crap!
 
                             KRAMER
               It's Pagliacci!

                             JERRY
               Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little 
               problem here, we've got two
 
               extra tickets.

                             KRAMER
               Why? What happened?

                             JERRY
               Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just 
               left me a message her friend
 
               isn't going either.

                             KRAMER
               That's fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, 
               we'll make maybe five
 
               hundred a ticket.

                             GEORGE
               What? Really?

                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

                             GEORGE
               People are looking for tickets here?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What, are you kidding? Opening night 
               Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha,
 
               we're gonna clean up!

                             GEORGE
               Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the 
               opera.
 
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah right.

                             KRAMER
               OK come on, let's go get the tickets.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, all right.

                             JERRY
               All right, you guys listen, I've got 
               to wait here for Elaine, I'll
 
               meet you in front of the theatre.

                             GEORGE
               Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal?

                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah!

               
               Kramer and George leave.

               
               INSIDE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT

               
               Opera music is playing, Joe Divola is putting on white clown 
               make up.
 
               
               END OF ACT 1

               
               OUTSIDE THE THEATRE.

               
               Jerry and Elaine are waiting.

               
                             JERRY
               You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Cherry Binaca, it's new.

                             JERRY
               See, I don't get that. First they come 
               out with the regular, then a
 
               year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like 
               the cherry,
 
               start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!

                             ELAINE
               It's like I didn't even know him. He's 
               like a totally different
 
               person.

                             JERRY
               Well you should hear the message from 
               my nut. Where's George and
 
               Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out 
               here, I feel
 
               very vulnerable.

               
               Jerry drops a coin that he was tossing.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, hey, what are you doing, that's 
               my quarter.
 
                             MAN#!
               No it's not, it's mine.

                             JERRY
               I was just flipping it, it's mine.
 
               
                             MAN#!
               No, I dropped it, it's mine.

                             JERRY
               All right, do you want the quarter, 
               take the quarter, but don't try
 
               and tell me it's yours.

                             MAN#!
               Well it is mine.

                             JERRY
               What, do you think I care about the 
               money? Is that what you think?
 
               You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here 
               look at
 
               this, here's a dollar here look, there, that's how much I care 
               about money.
 
               
               Jerry tears up the dollar.

               
                             MAN#!
               You think I care about money, that's 
               how much I care about money, I
 
               don't care about money.

                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, well why don't you Just get 
               lost.
 
                             MAN#!
               Why don't you get lost.

                             JERRY
               Because I was standing here, that's 
               why.
 
                             MAN#!
               Oh Yeah?

                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
               The man walks away.

               
                             JERRY
               I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel 
               tough... Anybody else got a
 
               problem?

               
               IN THE PARK

               
               Joe Divola, dressed up in a clown suit is walking through the 
               park.
 
               
                             PARK GUY#1
               Hey clown!

                             PARK GUY#2
               hey clown!

                             PARK GUY#1
               Make us laugh, clown!

                             PARK GUY#2
               Nice face, clown!

                             PARK GUY#2
               Make me laugh, clown!

               
               Divola kicks them all to the ground.

               
               ALLEYWAY

               
               Kramer and George are trying to sell the tickets.

                             KRAMER
               I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, 
               who needs two, Pagliacci, come
 
               on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, 
               he cries, he
 
               sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it 
               out all
 
               right.

                             MAN#2
               Hey, hey. Are you selling.

                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, I'm selling.

                             MAN#2
               Where are they?

                             KRAMER
               Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! 
               You'll think you died and
 
               went to heaven.

                             MAN#2
               What do you want for them.

                             KRAMER
               All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. 
               Cause you look like a nice
 
               guy, a thousand dollars for the duce.

                             MAN#2
               I'll give you five hundred for the pair.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ok, it's a deal!

                             KRAMER
               Pzzzt. No.

                             GEORGE
               No? Are you crazy?

                             KRAMER
               Look, let me handle this.

                             GEORGE
               Five hundred dollars, that's a great 
               deal!
 
                             KRAMER
               You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon.
 
               
               
               The man walks away

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you see that? The guy's walking 
               away. What is wrong with you?
 
               That was a three hundred dollar profit.

                             KRAMER
               Look, I know what I'm doing here George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is not a Metallica concert, it's 
               an opera alright, a little
 
               dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand 
               over here and
 
               sell it.

                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah.

                             GEORGE
               Thank you very much. You just stand 
               over there, I'll stand over
 
               here.

                             KRAMER
               I know where I'm standing.

                             GEORGE
               Alright.

                             KRAMER
               Hey!

                             GEORGE
               (shouting) Get your Paliachi!

               
               OUTSIDE THEATRE

               
                             JERRY
               Where are they already?

                             ELAINE
               I guarantee they don't sell either one 
               of those tickets.
 
                             JERRY
               Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen's 
               father-in-law, Mr Reichman.
 
               George and I were just talking about that today, I can't believe 
               it! That's
 
               the guy who threw George out of the wedding.

                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah, when George made that bad 
               toast!
 
                             JERRY
               Do you remember the curse toast?

                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah, the curse toast.

                             JERRY
               So, can you believe that message? Now 
               I've got to spend the rest of
 
               my life looking over my shoulder.

                             ELAINE
               Me too

                             JERRY
               Crazy Joe Divola

                             ELAINE
               How do you know his name?

                             JERRY
               What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know 
               his name?
 
                             ELAINE
               I never told you his name.

                             JERRY
               I never told you his name.

                             ELAINE
               Wait a second, who are we talking about 
               here?
 
                             JERRY
               Joe Divola.

                             ELAINE
               Right, Joe Divola

                             JERRY
               How do you know his name?

                             ELAINE
               I've been out with him three times, 
               I should know the mans name.
 
               
               They click

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god, its Joe Divola

                             ELAINE
               Is he stalking you? are you kidding 
               me?
 
                             JERRY
               That madman is trying to kill me.

                             ELAINE
               Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his 
               name! Oh my god, he accused
 
               me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said 
               tell me his
 
               name!!

                             JERRY
               Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what 
               he'll do if he sees me with
 
               you! He'll think I'm the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took 
               away his
 
               girl, he'll put a kibosh on me!

                             ELAINE
               Oooohh, what about me!

               
               Divola walks up to them, dressed in the clown suit.

               
                             JOE DIVOLA
               Excuse me

                             ELAINE&JERRY
               Aaahhhhh!!

               
               ALLEYWAY

               
               George still hasn't sold the ticket.

               
                             GEORGE
               But this is Pavarotti!

                             MAN#3
               Three hundred dollars, that's a lot 
               of money.
 
               
               Mr & Mrs Reichman are walking through the alley

               
                             MR REICHMAN
               You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production 
               at Tunis last
 
               yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, I'll tell you what, you seem 
               like a nice guy, let's stop
 
               jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I've 
               got people
 
               waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.

                             MR REICHMAN
               Scalping! I told them to put out extra 
               security.. Excuse me.
 
                             GEORGE
               Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got 
               something cooking.
 
                             MR REICHMAN
               Costanza!?

                             GEORGE
               Mr Reichman?

                             MR REICHMAN
               You've still got a mouth like a surd 
               give me those tickets.
 
                             MRS REICHMAN
               Harold, no, Harold, Harold be careful 
               of you're hair
 
               transplant!

               
               OUTSIDE THE THEATRE

               
                             JOE DIVOLA
               Anything is welcome, I accept change.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't have anything, I gave it to 
               that guy.
 
                             JOE DIVOLA
               You know, you could just say no, you 
               don't have to humiliate
 
               me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person.

                             JERRY
               I'm telling you, the guy took.....
 
               
                             JOE DIVOLA
               And I don't need people like you looking 
               down their noses at
 
               me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough 
               to get by.
 
               
               Mrs Reichman runs past

               
                             MRS REICHMAN
               Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere!
 
               
                             JOE DIVOLA
               What, are you showing off to your girlfriend 
               here, is that it?
 
                             ELAINE
               I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for 
               a while, but things didn't
 
               really work out.

                             JOE DIVOLA
               You people make me sick.

                             JERRY
               That is one angry clown!

               
               COMEDY CLUB

               
                             JERRY
               The hardest part about being a clown, 
               it seems to me, would be that
 
               you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", 
               "I'm not
 
               working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's 
               a clown!".
 
               How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that 
               you want to
 
               be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look 
               so bad, it's
 
               actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations 
               done.
 
               Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus 
               around them,
 
               is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat 
               of this guys
 
               Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!"
 
               
               
               END OF ACT 2

               
                             JERRY
               (Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - 
               This is it, we'll hit the
 
               heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is 
               it!
 
                             ELAINE
               You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge 
               of high culture comes
 
               from bugs bunny cartoons.

                             JERRY
               Oh there's that clown again, what does 
               he want from me. Look I'm
 
               serious, I'm not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy 
               took it.
 
                             JOE DIVOLA
               I don't want any money.

                             ELAINE
               I smell cherry.

                             JOE DIVOLA
               It's Binaca.

                             JERRY
               Binaca?

               
               They see the real clown singing and realize that they are talking 
               to Crazy
 
               Joe. They run away.

               
               ALLEYWAY

               
               George is finalizing the deal.

               
                             GEORGE
               What did we say? Two seventy-five?
 
               
                             MAN#3
               Two fifty.

                             GEORGE
               Two fifty? Are you sure

                             MAN#3
               Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.

                             GEORGE
               All right, all right, two fifty.

                             SUSAN
               George!

                             GEORGE
               S-Susan

                             SUSAN
               I can't believe it, I'm so glad I caught 
               you.
 
                             GEORGE
               What are you doing here, I though you 
               were going to the airport.
 
                             SUSAN
               Oh, there was some problem with the 
               plane, they landed in
 
               Philadelphia.

                             GEORGE
               So what, they don't have another plane? 
               She couldn't take a bus?
 
                             SUSAN
               She's coming in tomorrow. I made it!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah you made it, how about that.

                             SUSAN
               Oh, I'm so excited, now we get to see 
               the opera together.
 
               
               George gives the man the ticket and takes the money.

               
                             GEORGE
               We get to go to the opera together!
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Who's that?

                             GEORGE
               That's-that's-Harry Fong, he's a very 
               good friend of mine and he's
 
               a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.
 
               
               
               ENTRANCE TO THEATER.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on, you gotta let us in

                             USHER
               Not without tickets.

                             JERRY
               We have tickets, we just don't have 
               'em with us.
 
                             USHER
               Well that's a problem. Excuse me.

                             JERRY
               You don't understand, someone's after 
               us, a crazy clown is trying to
 
               kill us.

                             USHER
               A crazy clown is after you? Oh that's 
               rich. Now clear the entrance so
 
               people with tickets can get through.

               
               Kramer slides in.

               
                             JERRY&ELAINE
               We're with him, we're with him.

                             KRAMER
               Are you guys ready?

                             JERRY&ELAINE
               Yeah, Yeah!!

                             KRAMER
               Have you seen George?

                             JERRY
               We thought he was with you.

                             ELAINE
               Come on, he's on his own, come on!
 
               
               
               SITTING IN THE THEATER

               
                             KRAMER
               These are great seats huh?

                             ELAINE
               Yeah

                             KRAMER
               Yeah

                             JERRY
               Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver 
               Martone.
 
                             ELAINE
               Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's 
               she playing?
 
                             JERRY
               She's playing, Pagliacci's wife, Nedda.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Nedda?

                             JERRY
               Yeah.

                             ELAINE
               Oh my god..

               
               Man #3 enters and shuffles to his seat.

               
                             MAN#3
               Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

               
               Susan comes in from the other side.

               
                             JERRY
               Susan! What are you doing here?

                             SUSAN
               My Friend's flight couldn't make it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Where's George?

                             MAN#3
               I got his ticket.

                             SUSAN
               He decided not to come. He said he was 
               uncomfortable.
 
                             JERRY
               Uncomfortable? How does you think I 
               feel?.. Hey let me ask you
 
               something, how much did you pay for that ticket?

                             MAN#3
               One seventy-five.

                             JERRY
               Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Some nut in a clown suit!

               
               The show starts, everyone claps except Elaine and Jerry who look 
               very
 
               frightened.

               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               I had some friends drag me to an opera 
               recently, you know how
 
               they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really 
               need
 
               binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before 
               you can spot
 
               'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty,

               three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the 
               women have
 
               like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. 
               If you
 
               can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, 
               maybe that's more you're thing.

               
               
               
                             THE END



The Opera



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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