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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE OPPOSITE



                             Written by

              Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               It is pretty hard to justify, at this 
               point in history, the existence of men 
               and their
 
               
               handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, 
               and then put it back
 
               
               in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, 
               yup, I've got
 
               
               everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just 
               proud of anything
 
               
               that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to 
               them. What is the
 
               
               source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the 
               breast pocket of our
 
               
               jacket. "I have a snot rag."

               
               
               
               We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut 
               to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are 
               toasting in champagne.
 
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               To your promotion.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank 
               you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you
 
               
               
               how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.
 
               
               
                             MR LIPPMAN
               Well, you're really on your way now.
 
               
               
               Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently.

               
                             ELAINE
               You really oughtta do something about 
               that cold.
 
               
               (Monk's)

               
                             JERRY
               You got a raise?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't fool around, baby!

               
                             JERRY
               I thought you said Pendant was in financial 
               trouble.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               They were, but they're being absorbed 
               by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, when did that happen?

               
                             ELAINE
               They're signing the papers next week.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Does this mean they're gonna be publishing 
               Kramer's coffee table book?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, 
               plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking 
               about moving in together.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure 
               Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud 
               of you.
 
               
               Enter George

               
                             JERRY
               Speaking of having it all ... Where 
               were you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I went to the beach. ( J and E exchange 
               looks )
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, the beach.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's not working, Jerry. It's just not 
               working.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is it that isn't working?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why did it all turn out like this for 
               me? I had so much promise. I was personable, 
               I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically 
               speaking, but ... I was perceptive. 
               I always know when someone's uncomfortable 
               at a party. It became very clear to 
               me sitting out there today, that every 
               decision I've ever made, in my entire 
               life, has been wrong. My life is the 
               opposite of everything I want it to 
               be. Every instinct I have, in every 
               of life, be it something to wear, something 
               to eat ... It's all been wrong.
 
               
               ( A waitress comes up to G )

               
                             WAITRESS
               Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always 
               have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked 
               out for me with tuna on toast. I want 
               the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken 
               salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup 
               of tea.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, there's no telling what can happen 
               from this.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know chicken salad is not the opposite 
               of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 
               'cos salmon swim against the current, 
               and the tuna swim with it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Good for the tuna.

               
               ( A blonde looks at George )

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, George, you know, that woman just 
               looked at you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So what? What am I supposed to do?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Go talk to her.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and 
               no money, who live with their parents, 
               don't approach strange women.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well here's your chance to try the opposite. 
               Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated 
               by women, chicken salad and going right 
               up to them.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               If every instinct you have is wrong, 
               then the opposite would have to be right.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, I will do the opposite. I used 
               to sit here and do nothing, and regret 
               it for the rest of the day, so now I 
               will do the opposite, and I will do
 
               
               
               something!

               
               ( He goes over to the woman )

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice 
               that you were looking in my direction.
 
               
               
                             VICTORIA
               Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the 
               same exact lunch as me.
 
               
               ( G takes a deep breath )

               
                             GEORGE
               My name is George. I'm unemployed and 
               I live with my parents.
 
               
                             VICTORIA
               I'm Victoria. Hi.

               
               Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you kidding? They can't cancel that 
               show on me now, it's too late for me 
               to book anything else for that weekend. 
               Alright, alright ... okay, bye.
 
               
               ( Enter Kramer )

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Buddy, it's all happening!

               
                             JERRY
               What's happening?

               
                             KRAMER
               The coffee table book. It's a go!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, I heard all about it.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know what this means? I'm starting 
               the book tour. First stop: Regis and 
               Kathy Lee.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you better believe it!

               
                             JERRY
               I'll loan you my puffy shirt.

               
                             KRAMER
               No,no,no.

               
                             JERRY
               What're you gonna talk about?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, coffee tables.

               
               ( The phone rings )

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. 
               I just had something cancelled the same 
               weekend. Ok. Great. Bye.
 
               
               ( Turns to K )

               
                             JERRY
               You know, life is amazing. I just lost 
               a job and five minutes later get another, 
               same weekend, same money.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know who you are? Even Steven

               
               Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving

               
                             VICTORIA
               Are you growing a beard?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why shave every day? It just grows right 
               back.
 
               
                             VICTORIA
               I guess ...

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm afraid I'm just not interested in 
               how I present myself. If those kind 
               of superficialities are important to 
               you, this probably isn't gonna work.
 
               
               
               ( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver 
               )
 
               
                             VICTORIA
               Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did 
               you see that?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not 
               the end of the world.
 
               
               Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G 
               and Victoria
 
               
                             MAN NO.1
               Hey baby, how about a little tongue 
               action, huh?
 
               
                             MAN NO.2
               Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
 
               
               
               ( They kick G and Victoria's seats )

               
                             VICTORIA
               What are we gonna do? Shall we just 
               move?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That won't be necessary.

               
               ( G gets up and turns towards the two men )

               
                             GEORGE
               Shut your traps and stop kicking the 
               seats! We're trying to watch the movie! 
               And if I have to tell you again, we're 
               gonna take it outside and I'm gonna 
               show you what it's like! You understand 
               me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll
 
               
               
               shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try 
               me. Because I would love it!
 
               
               ( People applaud as G sits down again )

               
               Cut to G's car

               
                             VICTORIA
               Are you sure you don't wanna come up, 
               I mean, it's only nine thirty.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't think we should. We really don't 
               know each other very well.
 
               
                             VICTORIA
               Who are you, George Costanza?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm the opposite of every guy you've 
               ever met.
 
               
               Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone

               
                             THEATER MANAGER
               Excuse me, is your name Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes.

               
                             THEATER MANAGER
               Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal 
               here?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             THEATER MANAGER
               Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               An accident? What happened?

               
                             THEATER MANAGER
               He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's 
               alright. He's in St.Vincent
 
               
               Hospital, room 907.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Ok. Thank you.

               
               ( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to 
               the counter )
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Could I have a box of Jujyfruit?

               
               Cut to hospital

               
                             JAKE
               So, then, you know, the light was clearly 
               green, I started walking, he skidded 
               and he went right into my hip.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               ( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit ) 
               Oh, that is so terrible. That is so 
               terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people 
               be so stupid? Just sickening.
 
               
               ( Jake looks at E eating )

               
                             ELAINE
               You want one?

               
                             JAKE
               No thanks.

               
                             ELAINE
               So when do you think you're gonna get 
               outta here?
 
               
                             JAKE
               Where did you get those?

               
                             ELAINE
               At the movies.

               
                             JAKE
               Didn't the theater manager give you 
               the message before you went in?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, he did.

               
                             JAKE
               Then when did you get those?

               
                             ELAINE
               Right after ... that ...

               
                             JAKE
               So you heard that I was in a car accident 
               , and then decided to stop off for some 
               Jujyfruit?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well... the counter...was right there, 
               and...
 
               
                             JAKE
               I would think, under the circumstances, 
               it would have sent you running out the 
               building. Apparently, it didn't have 
               any effect on you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, it does!

               
                             JAKE
               If you got into a car accident, I can 
               guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               But...Jake...

               
                             JAKE
               I would like to be alone now, please.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               But, Jake, I didn't...

               
                             JAKE
               Goodnight!

               
               Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's 
               having a poker night.
 
               
                             MAN NO.1
               Ah, whaddya say we call it a night?
 
               
               
                             MAN NO.2
               Good idea, I'm kinda tired.

               
                             MAN NO.3
               How'd you do?

               
                             MAN NO.4
               Won 50.

               
                             MAN NO.2
               Lost 72.

               
                             MAN NO.1
               Won 37.

               
                             MAN NO.3
               Lost 15.

               
                             JERRY
               Broke even.

               
               Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee"

               
                             REGIS
               Can I bring out our next guest now?
 
               
               
                             KATHY LEE
               Please, please.

               
                             REGIS
               Young guy, he's got a new book coming 
               out, and it's about, and this is the 
               best part -
 
               
                             KATHY LEE
               I love this.

               
                             REGIS
               It's a coffee table book about coffee 
               tables!
 
               
                             KATHY LEE
               Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is 
               so clever!
 
               
                             REGIS
               I think so too. Did you get to meet 
               him back stage?
 
               
                             KATHY LEE
               I did.

               
                             REGIS
               I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't 
               he?
 
               
                             KATHY LEE
               I love his hair.

               
                             REGIS
               Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be 
               a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if 
               you will, would you please welcome: 
               Kramer!
 
               
               ( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee )

               
                             KATHY LEE
               I don't know, maybe it's the hair or 
               something!
 
               
                             REGIS
               Kramer. So, a coffee table book about 
               coffee tables. Where did you come up 
               with this idea?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... 
               actually, this is a true story. I was 
               skiing at the time.
 
               
                             REGIS
               You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm 
               trying not to kill myself, and you're 
               writing books!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out 
               and try that. You stay in school!
 
               
               
                             KATHY LEE
               Have you always had an interest in coffee 
               tables, because, really, I love coffee 
               tables, and I thought I was the only 
               one.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You see the beauty of my book is, if 
               you don't have a coffee table, it turns 
               into a coffee table.
 
               
               ( Demonstrates with his book )

               
                             KATHY LEE
               Is that fabulous?

               
                             REGIS
               Look at this!

               
                             KATHY LEE
               Is that fabulous?

               
                             REGIS
               Fabulous!

               
                             KATHY LEE
               I want one of these.

               
                             REGIS
               Did I tell you this guy was bonkos?
 
               
               
                             KATHY LEE
               This coffee table (book) is full of 
               pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               That's true. That's right.

               
                             REGIS
               Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's 
               mine?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, it's on file, right here. ( points 
               to his head )
 
               
                             REGIS
               I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He 
               really is!
 
               
                             KATHY LEE
               But he's adorable.

               
               ( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy 
               Lee's dress )
 
               
                             REGIS
               We'll be right back.

               
               Cut to Jerry's apartment

               
                             JERRY
               So it's all over?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, it got pretty nasty.

               
                             JERRY
               And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               It's not like I went across the street. 
               I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in 
               a cab.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why didn't you eat it in the cab?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because I got popcorn too, and I ate 
               that first.
 
               
               ( E points to the table )

               
                             ELAINE
               What's all this?

               
                             JERRY
               Played cards last night.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah? How'd you do?

               
                             JERRY
               Broke even.

               
                             ELAINE
               You always break even.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost 
               a job, and then I got another one, and 
               then I missed a TV show, and later on 
               they re-ran it. And then today I missed 
               a train, went outside and caught a bus. 
               It never fails! I always even out!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Do you have twenty bucks?

               
                             JERRY
               What for?

               
                             ELAINE
               Just gimme twenty bucks.

               
               ( E takes the money and throws it out the window )

               
                             JERRY
               What the hell was that?

               
                             ELAINE
               Let's see if you get the twenty bucks 
               back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know you could've thrown a pencil 
               out the window and seen if that came 
               back.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know, things were going so good 
               for me, you know, I got the job
 
               
               promotion, we were talking about moving in together -

               
                             JERRY
               Well, maybe next time someone's in a 
               car accident you won't stop off for 
               candy first.
 
               
               ( George comes in )

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I 
               tell you this, something is happening 
               in my life. I did this opposite thing 
               last night. Up was down, black was white, 
               good was -
 
               
                             JERRY
               Bad.

               
                             GEORGE
               Day was -

               
                             ELAINE
               Night.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes!

               
                             JERRY
               So you just did the opposite of everything?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; 
               her uncle works for the Yankees and 
               he's gonna get me a job interview. A 
               front office kind of thing. Assistant 
               to the travelling secretary. A job with 
               the New York Yankees! This has been 
               the dream of my life ever since I was 
               a child, and it's all happening because 
               I'm completely ignoring every urge towards 
               common sense and good judgment I've 
               ever had. This is no longer just some 
               crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So I guess your Messiah would be the 
               Anti-Christ.
 
               
               ( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket 
               )
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine ... look! A twenty!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my God.

               
               Cut to Mr.Lippman's office

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey boss.

               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               Kramer. Come in.

               
                             KRAMER
               How're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts 
               his arm around the tobacco store Indian 
               )
 
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               Have a seat.

               
                             KRAMER
               What, have you got yourself a cold?
 
               
               
               ( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair )

               
                             KRAMER
               Wow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself 
               some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.
 
               
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               The reason I asked you in here, is I 
               caught your appearance on "Regis and 
               Kathy Lee" the other day and -
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It was pretty good, huh?

               
               ( New sneeze, K jumps again )

               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               Anyway, the thinking here is that it 
               would be best if you didn't do any more 
               of these shows.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Because of the coffee thing?

               
                             MR.LIPPMAN
               Kramer, I'm sorry.

               
                             KRAMER
               What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're 
               not cancelling "Sonia Live"?
 
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               It's out -

               
                             KRAMER
               She's a doctor, I got a thing for her.
 
               
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               Kramer, I -

               
               ( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair )

               
               Cut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview

               
                             MR. CUSHMAN
               Why don't you tell me about some of 
               your previous job experiences?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in 
               publishing ... I got fired for having 
               sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
 
               
               
                             MR. CUSHMAN
               Go on.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, before that, I was in real 
               estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't 
               let me use his private bathroom. That 
               was it.
 
               
                             MR. CUSHMAN
               Do you talk to everybody like this?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Of course.

               
                             MR. CUSHMAN
               My niece told me you were different.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I am different, yeah.

               
                             MR. CUSHMAN
               I gotta tell you, you are the complete 
               opposite of every applicant we've seen.
 
               
               
               ( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair )

               
                             MR. CUSHMAN
               Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone 
               here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. 
               Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
 
               
               
                             MR. STEINBRENNER
               Nice to meet you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I wish I could say the same, but 
               I must say, with all due respect, I 
               find it very hard to see the logic behind 
               some of the moves you have made with 
               this fine organization. In the past 
               twenty years you have caused myself, 
               and the city of New York, a good deal 
               of distress, as we have watched you 
               take our beloved Yankees and reduced 
               them to a laughing stock, all for the 
               glorification of your massive ego!
 
               
               
                             MR. STEINBRENNER
               Hire this man!

               
               Cut to Pendant Publishing

               
                             SECRETARY
               Tina Robbins is here to see you.

               
                             MAN
               Who's that?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out 
               four years ago, but I've been sub-
 
               
               
               letting my apartment from her.

               
                             MAN
               Alright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the 
               door ) Hey.
 
               
                             TINA
               Please.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi Tina.

               
                             TINA
               Hi Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, I haven't seen you in a while.
 
               
               
                             TINA
               Elaine, we have a problem.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, what is it?

               
                             TINA
               You're getting kicked out.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kicked out?! Why?!

               
                             TINA
               Well, there's been a number of complaints.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah? Like what?

               
                             TINA
               Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed 
               up a jewel thief.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I didn't know who he was!

               
                             TINA
               That's why there's a buzzer.

               
                             ELAINE
               What else?

               
                             TINA
               Well, apparently, the week after that, 
               you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses 
               and they couldn't get them out of the 
               building.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What else have you got?

               
                             TINA
               Well, let's see. ( Takes out a list 
               from her bag )
 
               
               Cut to Monk's

               
                             JERRY
               I'll tell you what the big advantage 
               of homosexuality is. If you're going 
               out with someone your size, right there 
               you double your wardrobe.
 
               
                             RACHEL
               I suppose...

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. 
               When they approach a new recruit, I'm 
               sure that's one of the big selling points.
 
               
               
                             RACHEL
               Jerry ...

               
                             JERRY
               Yes?

               
                             RACHEL
               I've been doing a lot of thinking.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Aha?

               
                             RACHEL
               Well, I don't think we should see each 
               other any more.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, that's okay.

               
                             RACHEL
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet 
               somebody else.
 
               
                             RACHEL
               You will?

               
                             JERRY
               Sure. See, things always even out for 
               me.
 
               
                             RACHEL
               Huh?

               
                             JERRY
               It's fine. Anyway, it's been really 
               nice dating you for a while. And ... 
               good luck!
 
               
                             RACHEL
               Yeah, you too.

               
               
               
               Jerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment

               
                             JERRY
               The New York Yankees?!

               
                             GEORGE
               The New York Yankees!

               
                             JERRY
               Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm the assistant to the travelling 
               secretary. I'm going on the road trips 
               with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm 
               working in Yankee Stadium! This is a 
               dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe it.

               
               ( The door buzzes, J lets E up )

               
                             GEORGE
               And I' moving out of my parents' house, 
               I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, 
               remember the one we saw?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's a great place!

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm back in business, baby!

               
                             JERRY
               George, I wouldn't get too excited about 
               this stuff, you know, things have a 
               way of evening out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too 
               cheerful )
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hi Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               How're things going?

               
                             ELAINE
               How're things going? You wanna know 
               how things are going? I'll tell you 
               how things are going. I am getting kicked 
               out of my apartment!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why? Why are they doing that?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know! They have a list of grievances.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The jewel thief?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, the jewel thief.

               
                             JERRY
               What else?

               
                             ELAINE
               I put Canadian quarters in the washing 
               machine. I gotta be out by the end of 
               the month.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you could move in with my parents.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Was that the ... opposite ... of what 
               you were going to say, or was that just 
               instinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between 
               her fingers )
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Instinct.

               
                             ELAINE
               Stick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps 
               G on the forehead )
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll 
               even out, see, I have two friends, you 
               were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're 
               down. You see how it all evens out for 
               me?
 
               
               Cut to Pendant Publishing

               
                             SECRETARY
               Mr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi 
               are here.
 
               
                             MR. LIPPMAN
               Alright... tell them I'll be right there. 
               Well, this is it, Elaine. You know, 
               without this merger, we'd be out on 
               the street. Boy, they sure saved us.
 
               
               
               ( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which 
               he probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell 
               him, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...)
 
               
               ( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he 
               sneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he 
               is forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted 
               him and started talking to him )
 
               
                             INTERPRETER
               Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that 
               we undertake this partnership with your 
               company.
 
               
               ( The Japansese "boss" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's )
 
               
               
                             MR LIPPMAN
               I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your 
               hand right now. It's germs.
 
               
               ( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a 
               rather hostile atmosphere )
 
               
               Cut to George's parents' house

               
                             JERRY
               Is that the end of it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, it's the last one.

               
                             ESTELLE
               I can't believe you're moving out. ( 
               Grabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true? 
               Is it really happening? It's ... it's 
               like a dream.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, it's true.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, let's go.

               
                             FRANK
               Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. 
               You be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead )
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I 
               got the job.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Jerry, did you hear this?

               
                             JERRY
               He knows what he's doing.

               
               ( G pulls both his parents to him )

               
                             GEORGE
               I just want the both of you to know 
               how much you mean to me, and I love 
               you both very, very much.
 
               
               ( K and J look at each other )

               
                             JERRY
               Opposite.

               
               Cut to Monk's

               
                             ELAINE
               I must've had at least eight in my mouth. 
               I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why'd you have to eat so many?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. 
               I didn't know it would start a chain 
               reaction that would lead to the end 
               of Pendant Publishing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee 
               table book.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd 
               you expect him to blow his nose?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Do you know what's going on here? Can't 
               you see what's happened? I've become 
               George.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't say that.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's true. I'm George! I'm George!
 
               
               
               ( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit )

               
                             GEORGE
               Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings 
               and salutations. What a beautiful day 
               for a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits 
               down, says to waitress:)
 
               
               Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what 
               I get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a 
               little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first 
               base man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm 
               not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it 
               stops workin'." Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.
 
               
               ( J and K pay the check )

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine 
               was more than yours.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah ... let's call it even.

               
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage 
               a lot of accessories around it. Coffee 
               cake, coffee table, coffee table book, 
               clutches of people. Say what you want 
               about alcohol, but not only are there 
               not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol 
               actually helps you get rid of things. 
               Family, home, job, driver's license. 
               In fact, at a certain point, the only 
               thing you have to remember to get, is 
               more alcohol And maybe a rag for your 
               squeegee.
 
               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Opposite



Writers :   Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld  Andy Cowan
Genres :   Comedy


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