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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE OUTING



                             Written by

                           Larry Charles




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know about you, but I'm getting 
               sick of pretending to be excited
 
               
               every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What 
               is the
 
               
               big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone 
               was born?
 
               
               Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve 
               months.
 
               
               That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology
 
               
               
               things where they tell you all the people that have the same 
               birthday as
 
               
               you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like 
               Ed
 
               
               Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.

               
               
               
               
               (George dropping off his date for the night)

               
               
                             ALLISON
               I don't want to *live*! I don't want 
               to *live*!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Because of me? You must be joking! Who 
               wouldn't want to live because
 
               
               of me? I'm nothing!

               
                             ALLISON
               No... You're *something*.

               
                             GEORGE
               You can do better than me. You could 
               throw a dart out the window and
 
               
               hit someone better than me. I'm no good!

               
                             ALLISON
               You're good. You're *good*!

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm bad. I'm *bad*!

               
                             ALLISON
               You're *killing* me!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So what could I do? I couldn't go through 
               with it. She threatened
 
               
               to kill herself.

               
                             ELAINE
               Over you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?
 
               
               
               
               
               (Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for 
               his birthday) 
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls".
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I got him a two-line phone.

               
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.)

               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Unbelievable! She's not there.

               
                             GEORGE
               What paper does she write for?

               
                             JERRY
               The works for the NYU school newspaper. 
               She's a grad student in
 
               
               journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, 
               has
 
               
               no idea who I am.

               
                             ELAINE
               Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy 
               that...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Y'know, you've been developing quite 
               the acid-tongue lately...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Proudly) Really?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive 
               world leader?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Living or all time?

               
                             ELAINE
               All time.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, if it's all time, then there's 
               no contest. It begins and ends
 
               
               with Brezhnev.

               
                             ELAINE
               I dunno. You ever get a good look at 
               DeGaulle?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I got news for you. Golda Meir could 
               make 'em all run up a tree.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, 
               so what? I mean you
 
               
               should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So, whaddya say? You know you'll always 
               be the only man I'll ever love.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (indignantly) What's the matter with 
               you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (quietly) C'mon, go along...

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not goin' along. I can just see 
               you in Berlin in 1939 goose-
 
               
                             STEPPING PAST ME
               "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..."
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Y'know I hear that all the time.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hear what?

               
                             JERRY
               That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, you know people ask me that about 
               you, too.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and 
               I'm neat.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               And you get along well with women.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I guess that leaves me in the clear...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I just thought of a great name for myself, 
               if I ever become a porno
 
               
               actor.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, how did you know that?

               
                             JERRY
               You told me that already like two months 
               ago.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Allison bought it for me.

               
                             JERRY
               How you gonna get out of *that* one?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I dunno. I guess I have to wait for 
               her to die.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               He's gonna hang around if that's alright 
               with you?
 
               
                             SHARON
               Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry did you wash this pear?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I washed it.

               
                             GEORGE
               It looks like it hasn't been washed.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So *wash* *it*.

               
                             GEORGE
               You hear the way he talks to me?

               
                             SHARON
               You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks 
               to me...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEROGE
               Let me ask you something. What do you 
               think of this shirt?
 
               
                             SHARON
               It's nice.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry said he didn't like it.

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't say I didn't like it. I said 
               it was O.K...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, you said you didn't like it...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that 
               like the end of the world, or
 
               
               something?

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             SHARON
               So how did you two meet?

               
                             JERRY
               Actually, we met in the gym locker room.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. 
               I was trying to climb the ropes
 
               
               and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs 
               and
 
               
               then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close 
               ever
 
               
               since.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             SHARON
               Do you guys live together?

               
                             JERRY
               (quizzically) Live together?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I got my own place.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             SHARON
               And do your parents know?

               
                             JERRY
               Know *what*?

               
                             GEORGE
               My parents? They don't know *what's* 
               goin' on...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee 
               shop that was eavesdropping on
 
               
               us. I *knew* you looked familiar!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               There's been a big misunderstanding 
               here! We did that whole thing
 
               
               for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why 
               my
 
               
               friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that
 
               
               
               there's anything wrong with that...

               
                             GEORGE
               No, of course not...

               
                             JERRY
               I mean that's fine if that's who you 
               are...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Absolutely...

               
                             JERRY
               I mean I have many gay friends...

               
                             GEORGE
               My *father* is gay...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             SHARON
               Look, I know what I heard.

               
                             JERRY
               It was a *joke*...

               
                             GEORGE
               Look, you wanna have sex right now? 
               Do want to have sex with me right
 
               
               
               now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were 
               going to take a steam!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No!

               
                             JERRY
               No steam!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I don't want to sit there naked 
               all by myself!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Happy birthday paruba!

               
                             JERRY
               Today's not my birthday.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I beg to differ...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, where you going?

               
                             ELAINE
               I gotta go return something...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             SHARON
               Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just 
               calling to tell you that I'm not
 
               
               going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you very much, that's great- )click( 
               Oh! Hold on a sec, I got
 
               
               a call on the other line. )click click( Hello?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that 
               reporter from the newspaper on
 
               
               the other line.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, what did she say?

               
                             JERRY
               She says she's not going to play up 
               that angle of the story. She
 
               
               thinks we're heterosexual. (sarcastically) I guess we *fooled* 
               her.
 
               
               I'll get rid of her, hold on... )click click( Sharon? Hello? 
               Sharon,
 
               
               are you there? )click click( I'm back...

               
                             GEORGE
               Y'know... I could hear you on the other 
               line...
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you talkin' about?

               
                             GEORGE
               I heard what you said: "Sharon, are 
               you there?".
 
               
                             JERRY
               You heard me talkin' on the other line, 
               are you sure?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, I heard you!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, maybe she was disconnected.

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the 
               whole conversation!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer 
               and see if you can hear anything,
 
               
               
               hold on. )click click click(...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yello?

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, there may be a problem with 
               the phone, hold on. )click click(
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               "There may be a problem with the phone, 
               hold on"!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh no! )click click( Kramer, this phone's 
               a piece of junk, goodbye!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What 
               are we gonna do?!?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's 
               anything wrong with it...
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no, of course not! People's personal 
               sexual preferences are
 
               
               nobody's business but their own!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             SHARON
               Why don't you take a seat?

               
                             ELAINE
               Thank-you.

               
                             SHARON
               Why don't you take your coat off?

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So she kept insisting I take off my 
               coat. I refused, and then she
 
               
               forcibly tried to get me to remove it.

               
                             JERRY
               She wouldn't take her coat off at my 
               house, either.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia 
               where if you keep your coat on
 
               
               in somebody's house, the families go to war!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So you don't take your coat off, and 
               now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay.
 
               
               
               Not that there's anything wrong with that...

               
                             GEORGE
               Not at all.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm 
               gonna go with you!
 
               
                             JERRY
               "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, 
               Broadway musical?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And 
               *Guys*".
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               "The Collected Works Of Bette Midler".
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What do you got there?

               
                             MAN #1
               _The New York Post_, they've got an 
               article about you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               "Although they maintain separate residences, 
               the comedian and his
 
               
               long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated
 
               
               
               Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper!
 
               
               
               I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"!

               
                             GEORGE
               Now everyone's going to think we're 
               gay!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Not that there's anything wrong with 
               that...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, not at all...

               
               
               
               
               
                             
               54)

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               "Within the confines of his fastidious 
               bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and
 
               
               Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like 
               an old
 
               
               married couple--" *I told you that pear was washed*!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I thought we were friends...

               
                             JERRY
               Here we go...

               
                             KRAMER
               I mean, how could you two keep this 
               a secret from me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's not true!

               
                             KRAMER
               Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! 
               C'mon, Jerry, the
 
               
               masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...

               
                             JERRY
               So are you...

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah--

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hello?

               
                             MRS. S
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Mrs. Seinfeld?!?

               
                             MRS. S
               Oh, my God...

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, my God! (takes the phone) Ma?

               
                             MRS. S
               Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Ma!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             MRS. S
               Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Ma, it's not true!

               
                             MR. S
               It's those damn culottes you made him 
               wear when he was five!
 
               
                             MRS. S
               They weren't culottes, they were shorts.
 
               
               
                             MR. S
               They were culottes! You bought them 
               in the girl's department.
 
               
                             MRS. S
               By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry!
 
               
               
                             MR. S
               It looked like he was wearing a skirt, 
               for crying out loud!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes!
 
               
               
                             MRS. S
               Not that there's anything wrong with 
               that, Jerry.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             MRS. C
               I open up the paper, and *this* is what 
               I have to read about? I fell
 
               
               right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move...
 
               
               
               The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!
 
               
               
                             GEROGE
               It's *not* *true*!

               
                             MRS. C
               Every *day* it's something else with 
               you. I don't know anything about
 
               
               you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? 
               Who
 
               
               knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.

               
                             MRS. C
               Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. 
               Not that there's anything
 
               
               wrong with it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course not...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             NURSE
               6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. 
               So do you want to have dinner
 
               
               first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre?

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             SAILOR
               Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother 
               you. I just wanted you to
 
               
               know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, 
               and that
 
               
               you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean 
               a
 
               
               discharge from the service. Thanks.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys 
               And Dolls"...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No. Just imagine her reaction.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah...

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, my God...

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               She hasn't seen the article! When she 
               sees it, she's gonna think--
 
               
               *I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             ALLISON
               Yeah? So?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah so??

               
                             ALLISON
               Well this is nice. They mention your 
               name.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Don't you see what it says here? Don't 
               you understand what that's
 
               
               implying?

               
                             ALLISON
               No, what?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very 
               gay.
 
               
                             ALLISON
               You're *gay*?

               
                             GEORGE
               Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.
 
               
               
                             ALLISON
               (matter-of-factly) I don't believe it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You don't believe me? Ask Jerry.

               
                             ALLISON
               I will.

               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean you will? That's a 
               bad idea. Jerry is a very
 
               
               private person.

               
                             ALLISON
               (Grabs George's lapels) I want to hear 
               it from *Jerry*...
 
               
               
               
               
               
                             
               11)

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             SHARON
               Oh, can you ever forgive me?

               
                             JERRY
               I dunno... (they kiss again) *Alright*, 
               I forgive you...
 
               
                             SHARON
               Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted 
               to you immediately.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I was attracted to you, too. You remind 
               me of Lois Lane.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What!?

               
                             GEORGE
               You're with a *woman*!

               
                             JERRY
               I know! What are you doin' here?!?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I leave you alone for two seconds, and 
               this is what you do! I
 
               
               trusted you!

               
                             JERRY
               (forcibly removing G. from the apt) 
               Would you get the Hell out of
 
               
               here!

               
                             SHARON
               What's going on?

               
                             ALLISON
               Yeah, what's going on?

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, tell her. Go ahead.

               
                             JERRY
               Tell her what?

               
                             GEORGE
               Y'know. About *us*.

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm 
               not gay. My name's Buck Naked,
 
               
               I'm a porno actor.

               
                             ALLISON
               *Really*?

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               We'll see you later...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               He's the *phone* man!

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Not that there's anything wrong with 
               that...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single 
               and neat. Sometimes when
 
               
               someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because 
               that
 
               
               is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat, 
               sloppy
 
               
               and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate
 
               
               
               the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within 
               the gay
 
               
               community. They're probably discriminated against because of 
               that,
 
               
               people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but 
               I think
 
               
               think it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the 
               shirt
 
               
               in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume 
               that
 
               
               
               think Joe might be a little... (waves hand back and forth)", 
               they should
 
               
                             VACUUM
               "Y'know I think Joe might be )vroom( 
               (makes vacuuming motion).
 
               
               Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little )vrooom(..."

               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Outing



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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