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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                          THE PARKING SPACE



                             Written by

                      Larry David & Greg Daniels




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               At parking lots now they have these 'compact car only' spots, 
               isn't that
 
               discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass 
               hanging out of
 
               the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people 
               out there
 
               with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping 
               them. Nobody
 
               goes, "Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't 
               pull that in
 
               there."

               
               Jerry is in his apartment, Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. 
               I think your car got stolen
 
               again.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you talking about?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well you parked it on eighty-fourth 
               and Columbus, right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yep, well I just walked by there and 
               that car is gone.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, I know.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, where is it?

               
                             JERRY
               What's the difference?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, there's no difference, you know, 
               I'm just curious.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You always have to know everything that's 
               going on, don't you?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What happened to the car?

               
                             JERRY
               If I don't tell you it will kill you, 
               won't it?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me.

               
                             JERRY
               You have to know, you must know.

               
                             KRAMER
               I must know.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm not telling you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, come on.

               
                             JERRY
               Nope. I don't think so.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, please?

               
                             JERRY
               Not today, pal.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, I beg you.

               
                             JERRY
               Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make 
               it a real beg. You gotta put
 
               some beg into it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, please! Please tell me!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging 
               needs a lot of work.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, okay, what is it? Come on.

               
                             JERRY
               I loaned the car to George.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, George, alright. Well, what for?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George and Elaine went to a flea market 
               in Westchester, okay?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright.

               
                             JERRY
               Huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh. I mean, what do they want to go 
               there for?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Will you stop it already?!

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, why didn't they ask me to 
               go?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know! How am I supposed to know?!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What, they don't like me?

               
                             JERRY
               *I* don't like you!

               
                             KRAMER
               If they like me, why don't they ask 
               me to go? Oh yeah.
 
               
               
               
               George and Elaine are in Jerry's car. George is wearing a new 
               hat.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I really think it looks good.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?

               
                             GEORGE
               All bald people look good in hats.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You should have lived in the twenties 
               and thirties, you know men wore
 
               hats all the time then.

               
                             GEORGE
               What a bald paradise that must have 
               been. Nobody knew.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you can wear a hat all the time 
               now. Who's stopping you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? 
               I'd always be worried about that
 
               first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment 
               on her
 
               face.

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you sure you like these sunglasses?
 
               
               
               Elaine moves the rear view mirror so she can check out her sunglasses 
               and this
 
               causes George to swerve and hit something.

               
               
               Cut back to Kramer and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I'm very disappointed in George 
               and Elaine. And you know I'm
 
               somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.

               
                             JERRY
               Why not?

               
                             KRAMER
               Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I 
               don't like you, you've got
 
               problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for 
               the fight?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five 
               minutes.
 
               
               Kramer and Jerry start 'sparring'.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. 
               You don't mind, do you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I like Mike.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I just got off the phone with 
               him, you know we had a great
 
               conversation.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah? What did you talk about?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. 
               He had some pretty
 
               interesting things to say.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah? What did he say?

               
                             KRAMER
               You have to know everything, don't you?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, come on, Kramer. What did he say?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Why is that? Why do you have to know 
               everything?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, just tell me what the guy said.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Beg me.

               
                             JERRY
               Please, don't make me beg.

               
                             KRAMER
               No no no, I want you to beg me. And 
               I don't want you to say it, I just
 
               
               want you to put some beg into it. Go on.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, please tell me what the guy 
               said.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No no no, that's no good. No, I really 
               don't think that's a beg. No,
 
               it's close, but uh...

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               Look, I can't say anything. You know, 
               the guy told me the stuff in
 
               confidence, I'd be betraying a friend.

               
                             JERRY
               Well you can't just mention it and then 
               not tell me.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright. I'll tell you but you can't 
               say anything to him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not saying anything, I'm putting 
               it in the vault, I'm locking the
 
               vault, it's a vault!

               
                             KRAMER
               He thinks you're a phony.

               
                             JERRY
               He what?

               
                             KRAMER
               I told you, he thinks you're a phony.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               A phony? He called me a phony?

               
                             KRAMER
               A big phone. A big one.

               
                             JERRY
               Why did you tell me that if I can't 
               say anything?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You begged me.

               
               
               Cut back to Elaine and George in Jerry's car, the car is now 
               making a clanking
 
               noise.

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you hear that?

               
                             ELAINE
               Of course I hear that.

               
                             GEORGE
               You had to move the mirror?

               
                             ELAINE
               I wanted to check out my sunglasses.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't 
               there. You threw off my
 
               equilibrium.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah, blame it on me because you 
               can't drive, George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't drive?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing 
               things in this car, you have
 
               no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from 
               the left lane?
 
               Watch this.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, I really don't.

               
                             GEORGE
               And I can make a left turn from the 
               right lane too.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sure you could.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are we gonna tell Jerry about the 
               car?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, start looking for spaces.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you're never gonna find a space 
               on Jerry's block, just put it in a
 
               
               garage.

               
                             GEORGE
               Look, I have my system. First I look 
               for the dream spot right in front
 
               
               of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh come on, George, please put it in 
               a garage. I don't want to spend
 
               an hour looking for a space.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't park in a garage.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in 
               my family can pay for parking,
 
               it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, 
               my brother,
 
               nobody. We can't do it.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll pay for it.

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't understand. A garage. I can't 
               even pull in there. It's
 
               like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply 
               myself, maybe I
 
               could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do 
               you want? Go
 
               around me, I'm looking for spaces.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh George, there's a space right there!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream
 
               
               space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come 
               true, what did
 
               I tell you?

               
                             ELAINE
               You didn't even have to take it out 
               to dinner.
 
               
               They share a laugh.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel 
               parking. (spitting into
 
               his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make 
               a living
 
               parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, 
               knowing all
 
               the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing 
               it back in,
 
               that's the key.

               
                             ELAINE
               Will you just park it already?

               
                             GEORGE
               There's nothing I can even impart to 
               you, that's the sad thing. It's
 
               so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) 
               Look at this
 
               guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing 
               my space!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               George, wait, you don't know who this 
               guy is, people kill for a parking
 
               
               space in this city.

               
                             GEORGE
               No no no, he's not getting away with 
               this.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               George?

               
               George gets out of the car to confront the other driver.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, what are you doing?

               
                             MIKE
               I think I'm parking my car.

               
                             GEORGE
               You can't do that, you can't just sneak 
               in from the back like that.
 
               
                             MIKE
               I'm not sneaking. I didn't even know 
               you were parking, you were just
 
               sitting there three spaces up.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well if you didn't think I was parking, 
               why did you put it in head
 
               first?

               
                             MIKE
               Well that's the way I park. Anyway, 
               you didn't start backing in until I
 
               
               pulled in.

               
                             GEORGE
               I was in the middle of a conversation.
 
               
               
                             MIKE
               Hey, buddy, what can I tell you?

               
                             GEORGE
               The point is I was here first.

               
                             MIKE
               I was closer to this space than you 
               were.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               But I'm backing in! You can't put it 
               in head first!
 
               
                             MIKE
               I can if I have room!

               
                             GEORGE
               Are you gonna move the car?

               
                             MIKE
               No, I'm not gonna move the car.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerk!

               
                             MIKE
               Oh, you're not?

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you believe this guy?

               
                             ELAINE
               Come on, we'll put it in a garage.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I am not putting it in a garage, it's 
               my space.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you gonna do, you just gonna 
               leave it here like this? Uh.
 
               I'm going upstairs.

               
                             GEORGE
               Are you coming back down?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. 
               I gotta go to the bathroom.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, just make sure he reserves 
               the good chair for me. Wait, what
 
               
               are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell 
               him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, come on, you're good at this.

               
                             ELAINE
               What am I gonna say?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, I don't know, you'll think 
               of something.
 
               
               Elaine heads upstairs. Mike honks his horn, George honks his 
               in retaliation.
 
               
               
               Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is moving chairs, Elaine bursts 
               in.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any 
               Hennigan's here?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, under the counter. What happened?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible 
               what we just went through on the
 
               way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe 
               it. (pushing a
 
               bag of chips off the counter)

               
                             JERRY
               Tell me what happened.

               
               Elaine (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted 
               and
 
               the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, 
               this pack of
 
               extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And 
               for some
 
               reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then 
               we payed the
 
               toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow 
               us, alright?!
 
               So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this 
               really like a
 
               souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really 
               suddenly and the
 
               car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George 
               is such a
 
               great driver.

               
                             JERRY
               He is?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired 
               a gun right up in the air.
 
               
                             JERRY
               A gun?!

               
                             ELAINE
               I think it was a gun. And then they 
               followed us all the way into the
 
               city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they 
               went home.
 
               
                             JERRY
               My god, are you okay?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the 
               way, the car hit a pothole and now
 
               
               it's making a clanking noise.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, 
               that, that's the important thing.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Exactly.

               
                             JERRY
               Where's George now?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, he's out in front of the building. 
               He's arguing with some guy
 
               about a parking space.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you talking about?

               
                             ELAINE
               Look out the window, you'll see.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Georgie!

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey!

               
                             JERRY
               Are you okay?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I'm fine.

               
                             JERRY
               Crazy kids, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle.
 
               
               
                             MIKE
               Is that Jerry? Jerry?!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hey Mike.

               
               George What, you know Jerry?

               
                             MIKE
               Yeah, I know Jerry.

               
                             GEORGE
               How do you know him?

               
                             MIKE
               What's the difference?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because I know him too, and probably 
               a lot better than you.
 
               
                             MIKE
               Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You 
               know your friend here's a real
 
               piece of work!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm coming down.

               
                             MIKE
               Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside?
 
               
               
               George, What, you know Kramer?!

               
               Kramer walks into Jerry's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he 
               wants to talk to you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost 
               starting!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And you're watching the fight at Jerry's?
 
               
               
                             MIKE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh great.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know that guy downstairs?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, he's a real phony.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's going on?!

               
                             MIKE
               Hey, will you come on down? This guy's 
               in my space!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's my space!

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll be down in a minute.

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you going down?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Is anything wrong?

               
                             KRAMER
               Why should anything be wrong?

               
                             ELAINE
               Be down in a minute.

               
               Jerry grabs his jacket and walks out the door.

               
                             MIKE
               Hey pal, you're not getting that space. 
               I mean, I'll sleep in my car if
 
               I have to.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll die out here.

               
               Two bystanders are discussing the incident.

               
                             BYSTANDER #1
               He was down there. Once he passed his 
               front bumper, it's no
 
               longer his space.

               
                             BYSTANDER #2
               No, it doesn't matter. He was-

               
                             MIKE
               Hey! Jerry! Long time no see!

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) 
               Indiana.
 
               
                             MIKE
               Hey Krame! You know this guy?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, I know him.

               
                             MIKE
               You're looking tremendous. What are 
               you on some kind of
 
               regimen?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. 
               The forty percent was too much
 
               so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it 
               down another
 
               fifteen percent.

               
                             MIKE
               Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer!
 
               
               I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! 
               Ha ha ha!!!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, come on.

               
                             MIKE
               Hey! Your friend here has some real 
               problems.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Me? You see what he did here, you see 
               how he tried to sneak into my
 
               space?

               
                             MIKE
               Hey, just 'cause I went in front first 
               doesn't mean I'm sneaking in.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You only went in front first 'cause 
               you saw me backing up and you
 
               didn't have room to parallel park!

               
                             MIKE
               I only went in front first 'cause I 
               could make it in front first and if
 
               
               you pull out I'll show you!

               
                             GEORGE
               You've got a prayer.

               
                             KRAMER
               I go in front first all the time.

               
                             JERRY
               Front first, that's how you park when 
               you're pulling a bank job.
 
               
               Elaine shows up and pulls George aside.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you talk to him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, it's all taken care of.

               
                             GEORGE
               You told him? What did you tell him?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I did a number on him, it was a thing 
               of beauty, you really had to have
 
               
               been there to appreciate it.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't believe it, what did you say?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I told him a pack of teenagers in a 
               convertible were terrorizing us and
 
               
               they followed us into the city.

               
                             GEORGE
               A pack of teenagers?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, by the time I got to the end of 
               the story, he was to relieved
 
               that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.

               
                             GEORGE
               You are a genius, it's as simple as 
               that.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What can I say, you know? It's a gift. 
               I only wish I could teach it
 
               but, you know it's inborn.

               
               Elaine and George rejoin the others.

               
                             KRAMER
               By the way, thanks a lot for inviting 
               me to the flea market.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh great.

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't know.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, so that's why you were acting so 
               funny.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well I didn't know you wanted to go 
               to the flea market.
 
               
                             MIKE
               A flea market? You went to a flea market??
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, who's talking to you?

               
                             ELAINE
               We just didn't think of you.

               
                             KRAMER
               You said it, sister.

               
                             GEORGE
               What? Every time I leave my house now 
               I have to call everybody I know
 
               and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?

               
               People forget. Look at "Home Alone". They forgot.

               
                             GEORGE
               Great move, telling him, by the way, 
               real smart move.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say 
               anything!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised 
               no judgement.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're right. My fault.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer? I'm so sorry, really.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I'm sorry.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What was wrong with that sorry? It was 
               a good sorry. Jerry, was that
 
               a good sorry?

               
                             JERRY
               It was a so-so sorry.

               
               A delivery truck pulls up and honks. The driver leans out of 
               the cab.
 
               
                             TRUCK DRIVER
               Hey! Move this car, I gotta get through!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You heard the man. I guess you gotta 
               be moving your car.
 
               
                             MIKE
               And like you're not gonna just back 
               it in if I do that?
 
               
                             TRUCK DRIVER
               Well somebody better move something 
               soon! I got a truck full of
 
               ice cream here!

               
               Fade out/in.

               
                             ELAINE
               You see, they had to move the cars so 
               the truck could get through,
 
               right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these 
               two nonpartisan
 
               drivers to move them.

               
                             JERRY
               Wild pack of teenagers, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Amazing how they picked you, out of 
               everyone, to terrorize.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why 
               us?' You remember?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh huh.

               
                             JERRY
               Sounds like you did some pretty nifty 
               maneuvering,
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know, It's interesting, you 
               know, under that pressure, what
 
               you're capable of.

               
                             ELAINE
               Right.

               
                             GEORGE
               I learned a lot about myself.

               
                             JERRY
               What did you do to my car?!

               
                             GEORGE
               I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the 
               mirror, I got discombobulated.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I thought you said you were a good driver!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No no, I never said I was a good driver, 
               I said I was a good parker.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I think you said driver.

               
                             GEORGE
               Parker, I never said driver, I said 
               parker, a great parker.
 
               
                             MIKE
               Will you move it up a little bit?

               
                             GEORGE
               No no no, that's in the right position.
 
               
               
                             MIKE
               No no, I was further in.

               
                             GEORGE
               No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine.
 
               
               
                             MIKE
               Do you mind?

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you?

               
                             SID
               Hey, somebody better move these cars, 
               you're making a commotion.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey Sid.

               
                             MIKE
               Who are you?

               
                             SID
               Never mind who I am. I know who I am. 
               Do you know who you are? (to
 
               George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything 
               gets
 
               disrupted and disjointed?

               
                             GEORGE
               Sid, it's completely his fault.

               
                             MIKE
               Oh, right.

               
                             SID
               Why don't you start taking the bus?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm 
               putting it in a garage. The
 
               fight's starting in two minutes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Don't do it!

               
                             JERRY
               What are we gonna do, stay out here 
               all night?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, 
               it's my space.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why don't you just flip a coin already?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No no, this is a matter of principle. 
               That would just be saying that
 
               anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. 
               Well I'm
 
               making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm 
               not putting up
 
               with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not 
               putting up with
 
               head first parking.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting 
               there pontificating about
 
               what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So you're against me now?

               
               An old man and Matthew, the boy who's father owns the 'fat free' 
               frozen yogurt
 
               store, are discussing the incident.

               
                             ANGRY MAN
               He could have pulled up to the car and 
               backed in, but he chose to go
 
               in head first.

               
                             MATTHEW
               No he couldn't, because the other car 
               was already backing in.
 
               
                             ANGRY MAN
               No he wasn't.

               
                             MATTHEW
               All that matters is who was there first.
 
               
               
                             ANGRY MAN
               Ahh, you're not even old enough to drive, 
               you little puke.
 
               
                             MATTHEW
               You just spit on me!

               
                             ANGRY MAN
               Don't you raise your voice to me!

               
                             MATTHEW
               You're not my father.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Matthew.

               
                             MATTHEW
               Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How ya doing?

               
                             MATTHEW
               Okay.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, how's your father? I hear he's 
               closing his store.
 
               
                             MATTHEW
               What?!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh no, nothing.

               
                             MATTHEW
               What's happened to daddy? He's going 
               out of business?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no, no, no.

               
                             MATTHEW
               We're not going to have any money? We're 
               out of money?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, of course not, of course not!

               
                             MATTHEW
               Mommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the 
               store. He's going out of
 
               business. We don't have any money?

               
                             MARYEDITH
               Jerry?! What's the matter with you?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't--

               
                             MARYEDITH
               Boy, I don't know about your friend, 
               Jerry. He says
 
               some pretty stupid things sometimes.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, congratulations.

               
                             MARYEDITH
               What for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you're pregnant.

               
                             MARYEDITH
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               You're not pregnant?

               
                             MARYEDITH
               No, I'm not pregnant.

               
                             KRAMER
               Are you sure you're not pregnant?

               
                             MARYEDITH
               Yes, I'm sure!

               
                             KRAMER
               That's weird.

               
                             MARYEDITH
               Come on, Matthew.

               
                             MATTHEW
               No.

               
                             MARYEDITH
               Come on, Matthew!

               
                             KRAMER
               I thought she was pregnant.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, do you think I'm phony?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Mike thinks I'm a phony.

               
                             ELAINE
               He thinks you're a phony?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but I can't say anything because 
               Kramer wasn't supposed to tell
 
               me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you have to say something.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting 
               it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You gotta open the vault.

               
                             JERRY
               Open my vault?

               
                             ELAINE
               Open your vault.

               
                             JERRY
               Once I open the vault, it ceases to 
               be a vault.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You have no choice.

               
                             JERRY
               Oy ga-vault.

               
                             NEWMAN
               You wanna know why you can't go in front 
               first? I'll tell
 
               you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. 
               Chaos. It
 
               reduces us to jungle law.

               
               George begins applauding.

               
                             KRAMER
               When can you park head first?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Never.

               
                             MIKE
               What are you asking this guy for?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Who's talking to you?

               
                             GEORGE
               He's right. never.

               
                             MIKE
               Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? 
               You have to pull all the way
 
               up to the front car?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               When do you ever have ten car lengths?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What about Sundays and holidays?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh please.

               
               A passerby (Sheila) stops and asks George,

               
                             SHEILA
               What's going on here?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my 
               space.
 
               
                             SHEILA
               I really hate people who do that. I 
               hope you don't let him get away
 
               with it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, thank you for your support.

               
                             SHEILA
               Hey, that's a great hat.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really? You like it? I got it at a flea 
               market today.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey George, nice hat.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, thanks.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Can I try it on?

               
                             GEORGE
               No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Well sure it would.

               
                             GEORGE
               No! Get out of here, Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Come on, let me try it on.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, Newman, stop it.

               
                             SHEILA
               Let him try it on.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't want him to!

               
                             SHEILA
               What is wrong with you?

               
                             GEORGE
               You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat 
               to reveal the bald pate) There!
 
               There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try 
               on the hat?!
 
               Here! Try on the hat!

               
                             NEWMAN
               Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending 
               your parking.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, just keep the hat!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, that's it. The fight's already 
               started. I'm going upstairs,
 
               who's coming? Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               It depends on who's going. (to George) 
               Are you going?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm not going if he's going.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Me either.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not going if he's going.

               
                             MIKE
               Well I'm going.

               
                             JERRY
               Well if he's going then I'm not going.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               But it's your house.

               
                             JERRY
               I still don't have to go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not 
               going.
 
               
                             MIKE
               Why won't you go if I go?

               
                             JERRY
               Why? I'll tell you why.

               
                             KRAMER
               No. Don't, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Like you didn't call me a phony?

               
                             MIKE
               What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! 
               Jerry! First of all, I think
 
               you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary 
               way. I
 
               mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's 
               good, sort of
 
               thing? You know, slang.

               
                             JERRY
               Use it in a sentence.

               
                             MIKE
               Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. 
               (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               He begged me.

               
                             MIKE
               He begged you?!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, come on. Who wants to watch 
               the fight?
 
               
               Two police officers walk up.

               
                             COP #1
               Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 
               'em. Let's go.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Officer, could I just explain something 
               to you?
 
               
                             COP #1
               Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both 
               of you a ticket in about two
 
               minutes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Officer, he can't pull in head first.
 
               
               
                             MIKE
               Officer, he backed up from down the 
               street. He was double-parked, he was
 
               
               sitting there.

               
                             COP #1
               Alright, you move your car. It's his 
               space, you can't go in head
 
               first.

               
                             COP #2
               Wait a second. Why can't he go in head 
               first? He said the guy was
 
               just sitting over there.

               
                             COP #1
               What are you talking about? This guy 
               was here first.
 
               
                             COP #2
               But he didn't take it.

               
                             COP #1
               Hey, it's his space.

               
                             COP #2
               No, it's his space.

               
               Cut to Jerry entering his apartment, George and Mike can be heard 
               arguing
 
               through the window.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you're gonna have to go to the 
               bathroom!
 
               
                             MIKE
               Well, you're gonna have to go to work!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't have a job!

               
                             MIKE
               Neither do I!

               
               Jerry closes the window, sits down on the couch, picks up the 
               remote and turns
 
               on the TV.

               
                             REFEREE
               Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding*
 
               
               
               Jerry falls over and hides his face in the couch cushion.

               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because 
               they think,
 
               'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.' You know? 
               'I'll be
 
               circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.' 
               I think because
 
               everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars 
               than parking
 
               spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. 
               It's like
 
               Musical Chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem 
               is car
 
               manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars 
               every year, they're
 
               not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working 
               on. Wouldn't
 
               that be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving 
               turntable,
 
               and there's nothing on it. New from Chrysler, a space.

               
               
                                   THE END



The Parking Space



Writers :   
Genres :   Comedy


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