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ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE PEN



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               I have never seen an old person in a 
               new bathing suit in my life. I don't 
               know where they get their bathing suits, 
               but my father has bathing suits from 
               other centuries. My parents live in 
               Florida, and if you go down there and 
               you forget your bathing suits then they 
               want you to wear one of theirs. You 
               know how that gets? "You need trunks 
               son? I've got trunks for you. You can 
               wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear 
               bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's 
               kind of the same thing a tree would 
               wear if it went swimming. So I get in 
               the water with in thing and it's like 
               floating around me somewhere. Did you 
               ever put on a bathing suit that you 
               don't even know exactly where you are 
               inside the bathing suit? You bump into 
               somebody you know: "No I'm parasailing, 
               I'm waiting for the boat to come back."
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               (Florida, evening, condo of Jerry's parents)

               
                             HELEN
               (looking by the window) They were supposed 
               to be here at 7:30. Call the airlines 
               again.
 
               
                             MORTY
               (searching in a kitchen drawer) What 
               happened to the scotch tape? Who takes 
               the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything 
               around here.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Oh I think that's them!

               
                             MORTY
               You what I'll do next time? I'll hide 
               it so nobody can find it.
 
               
               (Jerry and Elaine enter)

               
                             ALL
               Hi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Welcome to Florida!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, there's the old man! (hug)

               
                             MORTY
               So, what took you so long?

               
                             JERRY
               We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car 
               place.
 
               
                             HELEN
               I don't know why you had to rent a car. 
               We would have picked you up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's the difference?

               
                             HELEN
               You could have used our car.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't wanna use your car.

               
                             HELEN
               What's wrong with our car?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you 
               wanna use it?
 
               
                             HELEN
               We don't use it.

               
                             MORTY
               What are you talking? We use it.

               
                             HELEN
               If you were using it, we wouldn't use 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what would you do? You'd hitch?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               How much is a rent-a-car?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. 25 bucks a day.

               
                             HELEN
               What? You're crazy.

               
                             MORTY
               Plus the insurance.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I didn't get the insurance.

               
                             MORTY
               How could you not get the insurance?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               We'll pay for the car.

               
                             JERRY
               You're not paying for it.

               
                             HELEN
               Morty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               God it's so hot in here. Why don't you 
               put on the air conditioning?
 
               
                             HELEN
               You don't need the air conditioner. 
               So, you have your speech all ready?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's not a speech. Do I have to make 
               a speech?
 
               
                             HELEN
               Of course, they're giving a testimonial 
               for your father. You could do your comic 
               routines.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over 
               real well with that crowd.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (looking by the window) Ooh, you have 
               a lake?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The lake isn't real.

               
                             HELEN
               The lake is real.

               
                             MORTY
               Are you kidding? They built the lake.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               But it's real. It's water.

               
               (Jerry and Elaine take their luggages to the guest room)

               
                             HELEN
               Where are you going with those?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Don't sleep in there. You can you use 
               the bedroom.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't take your bedroom.

               
                             HELEN
               I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't kick you out of your bed.

               
                             HELEN
               We don't even sleep.

               
                             JERRY
               Ma.

               
                             HELEN
               But this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to Morty) What about you?

               
                             MORTY
               Why should I be comfortable?

               
                             JERRY
               (to Helen) What about him?

               
                             HELEN
               Don't worry, he's comfortable.

               
                             MORTY
               I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Will you stop?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes 
               in the guest room)
 
               
                             HELEN
               (asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so 
               Elaine won't hear) Jerry. You don't 
               have to stay on the couch on my account. 
               The two of you could stay in there together.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No that's not such a good idea.

               
                             HELEN
               Well I tought that...

               
                             JERRY
               Not now. She's right inside.

               
                             HELEN
               (quieter) What happened?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. We decided we don't really 
               work as a couple.
 
               
                             HELEN
               What does that mean?

               
                             JERRY
               Well...

               
                             MORTY
               (comes to the kitchen and with a loud 
               voice) Why are you whispering?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Shh! Nothing, nothing.

               
                             HELEN
               Elaine...

               
                             MORTY
               (still loud) What about her?

               
                             JERRY
               (tries to explain to Morty but Elaine 
               then comes out of the guest room to 
               get more luggages, so he fakes a conversation) 
               ...but you know, look at the sun-dried 
               tomatoes. Where were they five years 
               ago? It just goes to show you. You never 
               know what... huh (waiting for Elaine 
               to go back in the guest room) you know... 
               huh... What could happen to a vegetable. 
               It could just take right off at any 
               time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry 
               goes on quieter) We've tried all kind 
               of arrangments, but we can't seem to 
               be friend when we sleep together.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (Morty goes on louder! Did he ever whisper 
               in any episode? :-) Why do you need 
               more friends? You've got plenty of friends.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               He's an idealist.

               
                             MORTY
               What the hell are you looking for?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm looking. That's the point. I like 
               looking.
 
               
                             HELEN
               He likes looking.

               
                             MORTY
               So look.

               
                             HELEN
               But how long can you look?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm going for the record.

               
               (Morty walks away with a face like he disagrees with Jerry)
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               You know your father wouldn't say so 
               but he's really glad you came.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, come on.

               
                             HELEN
               This is a big thing for him. Outgoing 
               president of the condo association.
 
               
               
                             
               this is Jack and Doris, neigboors)
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Aha!

               
                             DORIS
               So they arrived safely.

               
                             MORTY
               (to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Nice to meet you. This is Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi. Nice to meet you.

               
                             JACK
               So Jerry, you came all the way down 
               here for this?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               And scuba diving.

               
                             HELEN
               Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               We're going scuba diving. We'll be back 
               in time.
 
               
                             HELEN
               What do you have to go scuba diving 
               for?
 
               
                             JERRY
               For fun.

               
                             HELEN
               For fun?

               
                             MORTY
               Jack have some spong cake.

               
                             JACK
               No. thanks, no.

               
                             MORTY
               Jack is emceeing tomorrow. He's in charge 
               of the whole thing.
 
               
                             JACK
               So Jerry, your mother told me you're 
               gonna do one your little comedy skit 
               tommsorow?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't think so.

               
                             JACK
               No? Listen Morty you wanna settle up 
               for last night? (Morty nods) All right. 
               I owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks 
               book and a pen from his pocket).
 
               
                             MORTY
               What did you have? You had the minute 
               steak?
 
               
                             JACK
               Yeah.

               
                             MORTY
               Did you have a coke or what?

               
                             JACK
               I did NOT have a coke.

               
                             MORTY
               Somebody had a coke.

               
                             HELEN
               Oh I had a coke.

               
                             DORIS
               And I had the scampi.

               
                             JACK
               So that's 17.10$ and the tax and the 
               tip.
 
               
                             MORTY
               All right. Make it 20 bucks.

               
                             JACK
               It's: 19.45$, Morty. (he gives him the 
               check)
 
               
                             MORTY
               19.45$ ?

               
                             JACK
               See? You know your father. He can't 
               get a write to the penny, but that's 
               why he was such a good president.
 
               
               
               (Jerry notices Klompus's pen)

               
                             JERRY
               What kind of pen is that?

               
                             JACK
               This pen?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             JACK
               This is an astronaut pen. It writes 
               upside down. They use this in space.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard 
               about that. Where did you get it?
 
               
               
                             JACK
               Oh it was a gift.

               
                             JERRY
               Cause sometimes I write in bed and I 
               have to turn and lean on my elbow to 
               make the pen works.
 
               
                             JACK
               Take the pen.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh no.

               
                             JACK
               Go ahead.

               
                             JERRY
               I couldn't

               
                             JACK
               Come on, take the pen!

               
                             JERRY
               I can't take it.

               
                             JACK
               Do me a personal favor!

               
                             JERRY
               No, I'm not...

               
                             JACK
               Take the pen!

               
                             JERRY
               I cannot take it!

               
                             JACK
               Take the pen!

               
                             JERRY
               Are you sure?

               
                             JACK
               Positive! Take the pen!

               
                             JERRY
               O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. 
               Gee, boy!
 
               
                             HELEN
               Jack, what are you doing?

               
                             JACK
               Stop it!

               
                             DORIS
               Jack, we should go. (they go to the 
               door) It was nice to meeting you.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Mmm, nice to meet you.

               
                             JERRY
               Thanks again.

               
                             JACK
               Come on!

               
                             DORIS
               (to Morty) She's adorable. (they leave)
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               (as soon as the door's closed) What 
               did you take his pen for?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What he gave it to me.

               
                             HELEN
               You didn't have to take it.

               
                             MORTY
               Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal 
               out of everything.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He offered it to me.

               
                             HELEN
               Because you made such a big fuss about 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I liked it. Should I have said I didn't 
               like it?
 
               
                             HELEN
               You shouldn't have said anything. What 
               did you expect him to do? (the camera 
               shows Elaine shaking her head at their 
               dispute)
 
               
                             JERRY
               He could have said: "Thank you, I like 
               it too" and put it back in his pocket.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               He loves that pen.

               
                             MORTY
               Oh come on!

               
                             HELEN
               He talks about it all the time. Every 
               time he takes it out he goes on and 
               on about how it writes upside down, 
               how the astronauts use it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               If he likes it so much, he never should 
               have offered it.
 
               
                             HELEN
               He didn't think you'd accpet.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, he was wrong.

               
                             HELEN
               I know his wife. She has some mouth 
               on her. She'll tell everyone in the 
               condo now that you made him give you 
               the pen. They're talking about it right 
               now. (againe we see Elaine smiling at 
               their argument)
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you want me to return it?

               
                             HELEN
               Yes.

               
                             MORTY
               He's not gonna return the pen. That's 
               ridiculous.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey I don't even want the pen now!
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Jack can afford to give away a pen with 
               all his money. Believe me. He gives 
               me a check for 19.45. He didn't have 
               a Coke. Ho, ho, ho!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Here, let me see it. (She takes a pad 
               to try the pen) Hey, it wrtites upside 
               down.
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               
               
               
               (condo's guest room)

               
               (Elaine is lying on the sofa bed. It's too hot. She can't fall 
               asleep)
 
               
               (knock on door)

               
                             ELAINE
               Come in.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you O.K. in here?

               
                             ELAINE
               Why is it so hot in here? How can they 
               sleep like this?
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's only for three days. Today's over 
               and we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday. 
               It's one day, really.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh man. What is with this bar? It's 
               right in my back. It's killing me.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on 
               a love seat. I've got my feet up in 
               the air like I'm in a space capsule.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I am never gonna fall asleep.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, don't say that. You'll jinx me.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               How can they not put the air conditioning 
               on?
 
               
                             JERRY
               They're nuts with temperature.

               
                             ELAINE
               This bar is right in my back! It's making 
               a dent.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How about that guy writing a check for 
               19.45?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's one day. Half a day, really. I 
               mean you substract showers and meals, 
               it's like twenty minutes. It will go 
               by like that. (snapping his fingers)
 
               
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               
               
               
               (condo, morning)

               
               (Jerry and Morty are sitting at the table, Helen is at the counter. 
               Elaine's still sleeping? Well, she's still in the guest room.)
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. 
               Then you make a left turn. Put you blinker 
               on immediatly, there's an abutment there. 
               Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, 
               but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off 
               Biscayne. You understand me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Stay on Biscayne.

               
                             HELEN
               You're going underwater?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving 
               is done.
 
               
                             HELEN
               What do you have to go underwater for? 
               What's down there that's so special?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's so special up here?

               
               (Elaine open the guest room's door and she's in pain)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh!

               
               (everybody get up and walk to her)

               
                             HELEN
               What's the matter?

               
                             ELAINE
               My back.

               
                             HELEN
               What happened?

               
                             ELAINE
               That... That bed. The bar was right 
               in my back.
 
               
                             HELEN
               (to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep 
               in there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Then YOU would be hunched over.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't even know if I can go scuba 
               diving.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You can't go?

               
                             HELEN
               So stay home.

               
                             ELAINE
               You can go.

               
                             JERRY
               Without you? That's the whole reason 
               you came down here.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Don't go.

               
                             JERRY
               You sure?

               
                             MORTY
               Maybe you should see a doctor.

               
                             JERRY
               We'll stay in a hotel tonight.

               
                             ELAINE
               (whispering to Jerry) Yes!

               
                             HELEN
               No, we'll stay in there.

               
                             JERRY
               Why don't you get a new sofa?

               
                             MORTY
               Nobody uses it.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm buying you a new sofa.

               
                             HELEN
               Oh Jerry, don't talk crazy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. 
               Put the air conditioner on.
 
               
                             HELEN
               You're hot?

               
                             ELAINE
               I've lost 6 pounds.

               
                             HELEN
               I don't even know how to work it.

               
                             MORTY
               I keep telling her it's like an oven 
               in here.
 
               
               (Evelyn, a neighboor, enters)

               
                             EVELYN
               Is everybody up?

               
                             JERRY
               Hi. How are you?

               
                             EVELYN
               Hello Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Evelyn, this is Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               (with pain) Hi Evelyn.

               
                             EVELYN
               Jerry you got thin.

               
                             JERRY
               Too thin?

               
                             HELEN
               Oh stop worrying so much about how you 
               look.
 
               
                             EVELYN
               So where's the new pen? (everybody's 
               surprised by this question)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Jerry scratches his head and acts like 
               he's not sure what she's talking about) 
               What?
 
               
                             EVELYN
               The pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               How did you know that?

               
                             EVELYN
               Blanche told me.

               
                             HELEN
               Blanche?

               
                             EVELYN
               That's some good pen. It writes upside 
               down.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               The astronauts use them.

               
                             HELEN
               What did Blanche say?

               
                             EVELYN
               I don't know. She said Jerry wanted 
               the pen.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I never really wanted the pen.

               
                             MORTY
               He gave him the pen.

               
                             HELEN
               Morty.

               
                             EVELYN
               Why you don't like the pen?

               
                             JERRY
               No, no, I...

               
                             EVELYN
               Cause if you don't like it, give it 
               back to him.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Is that what she said?

               
                             EVELYN
               Who?

               
                             HELEN
               Blanche.

               
                             EVELYN
               What are you talking about?

               
               (The phone rings, Helen answers.)

               
                             HELEN
               Hello? Oh hello Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't 
               do that. Jack gave it to him. All he 
               said was he liked it. I mean nobody 
               put a gun to his head. (to Jerry) You're 
               giving him back that pen. (She continues 
               the discussion with Gussy but we don't 
               hear it.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Somebody please-- THE AIR CONDITIONER!
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about 
               it.
 
               
               (the phone conversation is over. Helen looks at Jerry.)

               
                             JERRY
               All I said was "I like the pen".

               
               (Morty looks at the control panel for the air conditioner)

               
                             MORTY
               How the hell do you work this thing?
 
               
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               
               
               
               (still the condo, later)

               
               (Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor with 
               pillows under her legs. Morty and Helen are on the couch, looking 
               at Elaine. Helen is wearing a sweater and she's freezing)
 
               
                             HELEN
               Maybe you shouldn't go tonight.

               
                             ELAINE
               No no, I wanna go.

               
                             HELEN
               But your back hurts.

               
                             MORTY
               Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would 
               help.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater 
               tight against herself) You can turn 
               down the air conditioning if you want.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               No. I'm fine.

               
                             ELAINE
               You're not too cold?

               
                             HELEN
               No.

               
               (Jerry enters with a black eye)

               
                             JERRY
               Don't be alarmed.

               
                             MORTY
               Oh my God! What the hell happened to 
               you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm O.K. My capillaries burst.

               
                             HELEN
               Your capillaries? Do you know what you 
               look like?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to Elaine on the floor) How are you 
               doing?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Having a good time!

               
                             JERRY
               Is it my imagination or is it freezing 
               in here?
 
               
                             HELEN
               What happened to your eyes?

               
                             JERRY
               Well I started to go under...

               
                             HELEN
               With the instructor?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, and I got about ten feet down 
               and I felt this tremendous pressure 
               on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being 
               sucked out of their sockets.
 
               
                             HELEN
               I told you...

               
               (Jack enters, all dressed-up, smoking a cigar)

               
                             JACK
               Excuse me. (to Helen) Doris would like 
               to borrow red your pocketbook to go 
               with her shoes. (to Elaine on the floor) 
               The shoes have to match the pocketbook. 
               (to the others) What's she doing? Yoga?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               My back hurts.

               
                             JACK
               Morty you gotta hurry up. Get ready.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               We got plenty of time.

               
                             JACK
               (to Jerry) What happened to you?

               
                             JERRY
               I got in a fist fight with one of the 
               ladies at the pool.
 
               
                             HELEN
               It's from scuba diving.

               
                             JACK
               What's there to see underwater?

               
                             
               give him back the pen)

               
                             JERRY
               Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice 
               gesture of you to give me the pen, but 
               I don't really need it.
 
               
                             JACK
               You what?

               
                             JERRY
               I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think 
               you should keep it. (he tends the pen 
               to Jack)
 
               
                             JACK
               Well I mean...

               
                             JERRY
               Take it.

               
                             JACK
               All right! (he smiles and take it)
 
               
               
               (Morty gets up and walks right to Jack)

               
                             MORTY
               You know Jack, you've got a hell of 
               a nerve taking that kid's pen.
 
               
                             JACK
               Whose pen?

               
                             MORTY
               His pen.

               
                             JACK
               This happens to be my pen.

               
                             MORTY
               You didn't give it to him.

               
                             JACK
               What are you talking about? He pratically 
               begged me for it.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Where do you come off with this crap?
 
               
               
                             JACK
               Listen, do you think I take everything 
               everybody offers me? You offered me 
               sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               You said you didn't want it!

               
                             JACK
               Of course I wanted it! I love sponge 
               cake!
 
               
                             MORTY
               Then who the hell said you couldn't 
               have any? I mean what the hell do I 
               care whether you have sponge cake?
 
               
               
               (Jerry and Elaine can't beleive what they're hearing)

               
                             JACK
               Because I saw the look on your face 
               last week when I took the scotch tape!
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Ahh! Ahh! So YOU got the scotch tape! 
               I've been looking all over for it!
 
               
               
                             JACK
               Don't worry about it! I'll give it back!
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               I don't want it!

               
                             JACK
               I don't want it!

               
                             MORTY
               You know Jack, do me a favor will you? 
               Take the pen and the scotch tape, and 
               get the hell out of here!
 
               
                             JACK
               Listen do you think I give a damn?
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Aah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that 
               guy! Taking back that pen. Well that'it 
               for them.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is going on in this community! 
               Are you people aware of what's happening? 
               What is driving you to this behavior? 
               Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? 
               Is it the white shoes?
 
               
                             HELEN
               I have no use for either one of them. 
               I don't even want them there tonight. 
               (she still has the pocketbook in her 
               hands)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Isn't he supposed to be the emcee?
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well. This should be a very interesting 
               evening.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (still on the floor) Uh... What about 
               those muscle relaxers?
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               
               
               
               (reception room, evening)

               
               (Morty, Helen, Elaine and Jerry are standing for a photograph 
               in the entrance. Jerry wears sunglasses and Elaine is all drugged-up 
               on muscle relaxers.)
 
               
                             PHOTOGRAPHER
               Say astronaut.

               
               (Elaine is laughing for nothing and she walks right up to the 
               lens of the camera.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Say what? (laughing) Say what?

               
                             JERRY
               (Jerry brings her back) You took too 
               many of those pills.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Astronaut?

               
                             HELEN
               Say it.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               (still laughing, she says it just as 
               the picture is taking) Astro...naut!
 
               
               
               (the image frozes and we see that the picture is awful, with 
               Jerry and his sunglasses, and Elaine laughing who can barely 
               stand.)
 
               
                             MORTY
               Good. O.K. (the photographer walks away) 
               What about last year when I took him 
               to the hospital every day? Did he ever 
               say thank you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing 
               as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his 
               wife Stella)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to Leo) Uncle Leo.

               
                             LEO
               Hello!

               
                             STELLA
               Morty are you nervous?

               
                             MORTY
               What nervous?

               
                             LEO
               (to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm 
               as usual) What's with the sunglasses? 
               Who are you? Van Johnson?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I've got a black eye.

               
                             STELLA
               (to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, this is my aunt Stella.

               
                             HELEN
               (shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando) 
               STELLA! STELLA!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to Stella) Her back hurts.

               
                             STELLA
               Humm... We saw you on "The Tonight Show" 
               last week.
 
               
                             LEO
               I thought Johnny was very rude to you. 
               He didn't even let you talk.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no.

               
                             LEO
               You need some new material. I've heard 
               you do that dog routine three times 
               already.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (still with her imitation, shouting 
               even louder) STELLA! STELLA!
 
               
                             LEO
               Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey 
               to write some material for you.
 
               
                             MORTY
               What are you talking? Jeffrey works 
               for the parks department!
 
               
                             LEO
               You should read the letters he's written. 
               He's funnier than the whole bunch of 
               you! (Jack enters with Doris) Oh, here's 
               Jack. We should sit down.
 
               
               (Jack and Morty exchange a look.)

               
                             STELLA
               (to Helen on a sarcastic tone of voice) 
               This better be good. I'm missing "Golden 
               Girls" for this.
 
               
                             HELEN
               (laughing hypocritically till Stella 
               walks away) I hate her like poison.
 
               
               
                             
               "Jack let's get started!" Everyone applause 
               and we see, from left to right, all 
               sitting on the same side of a long table, 
               facing the public: Stella, Leo, Elaine, 
               Jerry, Helen, Morty, Jack at the microphone, 
               Doris, and four other people.)
 
               
                             JACK
               (on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, 
               as you know, every year, Phase Two of 
               the Pines of Mark Gables honors the 
               previous year president. And this year 
               we are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the 
               crowd applause and someone yells: Morty!) 
               A man who slept more hours on the job 
               than Ronald Reagan.
 
               
                             MORTY
               (to Helen) Slept on the job? (she shushed 
               him)
 
               
                             JACK
               Being president of the condo is not 
               easy. It requires hard work, dedication, 
               and commitment, and unfortunately he 
               possesses none of these qualities. (everyone 
               laugh except Jerry, Helen, and Morty. 
               Even Elaine who's still druggy)
 
               
                             HELEN
               (Morty complains again to Helen) He's 
               joking.
 
               
                             JACK
               His administration did excel in one 
               department: the hiring of incompetents.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (to Jack, loud) That's what you say.
 
               
               
                             JACK
               But we do owe him a debt of gratitude 
               because by not fixing the crack in the 
               sidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission 
               for a few weeks. (Morty is now the only 
               one not laughing)
 
               
                             MORTY
               (loud) Tell them when you took my son's 
               pen back. Tell them about that! (he 
               gets up)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Dad!

               
                             MORTY
               (to the crowd) He gave my son a pen, 
               and then he takes it back. Tell them 
               about that!
 
               
                             JACK
               He gave it to me!

               
                             MORTY
               Come on. That's enough, sit down!

               
                             JACK
               I'm not sitting down!

               
               (they start to fight. Morty tries to get the microphone off Jack' 
               hands. He yells to Jack to give him the pen. Jerry gets up and 
               tries to separate them. We hear a feedback from the microphone 
               and they stop to fight)
 
               
                             JACK
               Ow! You broke my dental plate! (Jack 
               is touching his dental plate while Morty 
               reaches in Jack's pocket to get the 
               pen) Doris! He broke my dental plate. 
               You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you. 
               (he leaves the table and Morty follows 
               him and continue arguing with him. Jerry 
               now have the microphone in his hands 
               and the crowd begins to think the ceremony 
               is over.)
 
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, do your act.

               
                             JERRY
               (in the microphone, but to Helen) I 
               can't. Nobody's even listening.
 
               
                             HELEN
               They're all gonna leave.

               
                             JERRY
               (to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) 
               huh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight? 
               (everybody in the crowd is talking over 
               Jerry)
 
               
                             MAN IN THE CROWD
               Who are you?

               
                             JERRY
               (still with his sunglasses) Have you 
               ever noticed how they always give you 
               the peanuts on the planes?
 
               
                             WOMAN IN THE CROWD
               (to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies 
               first class.
 
               
               (Elaine is almost asleep at the table)

               
                             JERRY
               Who ever thought the first thing somebody 
               wants on a plane is a peanut?
 
               
                             MAN IN THE CROWD
               I'd rather have a bottle of scotch!
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               (to Jerry) Do the dog routine.

               
                             JERRY
               All I said was I liked the pen!

               
                             ELAINE
               (wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA!
 
               
               
               (Everybody stops talking and put their hands on their ears)
 
               
               
               (scene ends)

               
               
               
               
               
               (condo, morning)

               
               (Elaine is sitting on the couch and a chiro is examining her. 
               Jerry's sitting next to her. Helen is standing beside them and 
               Morty is still asleep in the guest room)
 
               
                             CHIROPRACTOR
               You could aggravated. I wouldn't go 
               anywhere for at least five days.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Five days? You want me to stay here 
               for five more days?
 
               
                             JERRY
               There must be some mistake.

               
                             CHIROPRACTOR
               I'm afraid not.

               
                             ELAINE
               (discouraged) Five days. Here.

               
                             HELEN
               (to Jerry, happily) So we have you for 
               five more days!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to Elaine) Well there's really no point 
               in me staying. I mean you just gonna 
               be...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothing.

               
               (Evelyn enters)

               
                             EVELYN
               Good morning.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Evelyn.

               
                             EVELYN
               (to Helen) Has Morty decided on a lawyer 
               yet?
 
               
                             HELEN
               I don't think so.

               
                             EVELYN
               Because my nephew Larry could do it. 
               He's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack 
               has no case.
 
               
                             HELEN
               I'll ask him when he gets up.

               
                             EVELYN
               Oh, and I spoke to Arnold. And he says 
               that according to the bylaws of the 
               condo constitution, they need six votes 
               to throw you out for unruly behavior. 
               Not five. Doctor Chernov is the one 
               you'll have to suck up to.
 
               
               (Morty gets up in a bad shape)

               
                             MORTY
               Aw! Aw! Oh my back! Oh my back! It's 
               that bar. Who the hell could sleep on 
               that thing?
 
               
                             HELEN
               I was very comfortable.

               
                             EVELYN
               Morty, Arnold says they need six votes 
               to throw you out.
 
               
                             HELEN
               It's in the constitution.

               
                             MORTY
               (to the chiro) Who are you?

               
                             CHIROPRACTOR
               I'm a chiropractor.

               
                             MORTY
               What are you kidding me?

               
                             ELAINE
               (to Jerry) Five more days?

               
                             JERRY
               Well today's almost over. And weekdays 
               always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. 
               It's like two days really. It's like 
               a cup of coffee. It will go by like 
               that. (snapping his fingers)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (night club, closing monologue)

               
               
               
                              THE END



The Pen



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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