The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                         THE PHONE MESSAGE



                             Written by

                    Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television 
               is
 
               
               doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see 
               anybody on TV
 
               
               like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip 
               crumbs on their
 
               
               
               commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have 
               you seen them?
 
               
               "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, 
               flying through
 
               
               the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there 
               and you're
 
               
               watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're 
               advertising
 
               
               right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs,
 
               
               
               jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm 
               putting too much
 
               
               ice in mine."

               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So then, as we were leaving, we were 
               just kind of standing there,
 
               
               and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted 
               me to ask her
 
               
               out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means. 
               Sometimes I
 
               
               interpret it like they're Psychotic or something and I don't 
               know if I'm
 
               
               supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood 
               there like -
 
               
               remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy 
               line? - that's what
 
               
               I looked like.

               
                             JERRY
               So you didn't ask?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I froze.

               
                             JERRY
               (Points to counter) Counter.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour 
               later I'm back in the office,
 
               
               I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says "So why don't you call 
               her". I says "I
 
               
               can't." I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask 
               a woman out I
 
               
               gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they 
               break the bricks.
 
               
               So Lloyd calls me a wuss.

               
                             JERRY
               He said wuss?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So you called. (They sit at counter)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Right. And, and to cover my nervousness 
               I started eating an apple,
 
               
               because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of 
               the phone, it
 
               
               makes you sound casual.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, like a farm boy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Right. So I call her up, I tell her 
               it's me, she gives me an
 
               
               enthusiastic 'Hi!'

               
                             JERRY
               Wow. Enthusiastic 'Hi!', that's beautiful.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!', 
               I'm outta there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, so you're chewing your apple, 
               you got your enthusiastic
 
               
               'Hi!' Go ahead.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, we're talking, and I don't like 
               to go too long before I ask them
 
               
               out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out 
               "What are you
 
               
               doing Saturday night?"

               
                             JERRY
               And?

               
                             GEORGE
               She bought.

               
                             JERRY
               Great day in the morning.

               
                             GEORGE
               Then I got off the phone right away.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Sure, it's like robbing a bank: you 
               don't loiter around in front of
 
               
               the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit 
               and get out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's amazing: we, we both have dates 
               on the same night. I can't
 
               
               remember the last time that happened.

               
               
               
               George's car, parked outside apartment building, night. George 
               and his date
 
               
                             CAROL
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't stand doing laundry. That's 
               why I have forty pairs of
 
               
               underwear.

               
                             CAROL
               You do not.

               
                             GEORGE
               Absolutely. Because instead of doing 
               a wash, I just keep buying
 
               
               underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. 
               That way, I
 
               
               only have to do wash once a year.

               
               (They both laugh)

               
               
               
               Jerry's car, also parked outside an apartment building. Jerry 
               and his
 
               
                             GIRLFRIEND DONNA
               
               
                             JERRY
               (In awful Scots/Irish accent) Come on, 
               try it. Let me hear you try
 
               
               a Scottish accent.

               
                             DONNA
               That's Irish.

               
                             JERRY
               Irish, Scottish, what's the difference, 
               lassie?
 
               
               (Donna laughs)

               
               
               
               
                             DONNA
               So, er, thanks for dinner. It was great.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. We should do this again.

               
                             DONNA
               Would you like to come upstairs for 
               some coffee?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee 
               late at night, it keeps me up.
 
               
                             DONNA
               (Looks disappointed) So, um, OK.

               
                             GEORGE
               OK.

               
                             DONNA
               Goodnight.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, take it easy.

               
               (Donna leaves car. George realizes what he has done and bashes 
               his
 
               
               forehead in disgust)

               
               
               
               
                             DONNA
               Thanks again for the movie.

               
                             JERRY
               You're welcome.

               
                             DONNA
               I'd invite you up, but the place is 
               being painted.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, that's OK.

               
                             DONNA
               Unless you want to go to your place.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               OK, but there's no cake or anything, 
               if that's what you're looking
 
               
               for.

               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Take it easy, huh, take it easy.

               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I think if one's going to kill oneself, 
               the least you could do is
 
               
               leave a note - it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just 
               the way I was
 
               
               brought up.

               
                             DONNA
               Values are very important.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, so important. So what are you doing 
               Thursday night - you wanna
 
               
               have dinner?

               
                             DONNA
               Thursday's great. (Moves closer)

               
                             JERRY
               (Looks at his pants) Tan pants. Why 
               do I buy tan pants, Donna? I
 
               
               don't feel comfortable in them.

               
                             DONNA
               Are those Cotton Dockers?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much 
               I hate that commercial.
 
               
                             DONNA
               Really? I like that commercial. (Jerry 
               pauses)
 
               
                             JERRY
               You like that commercial?

               
                             DONNA
               Yeah, it's clever.

               
                             JERRY
               Now wait a second, you mean the one 
               where the guys are all standing
 
               
               around, supposedly being very casual and witty?

               
                             DONNA
               Yeah, that's the one.

               
                             JERRY
               What could you possibly like about that?
 
               
               
                             DONNA
               I don't know, I like the guys.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable 
               with each other, and I
 
               
               could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit 
               on a porch and
 
               
               wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session.
 
               
               
                             DONNA
               Hey, I know guys like that. To me the 
               dialogue rings true.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Shrugs. Pause) Even if the dialogue 
               did ring true. Even if
 
               
               somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that 
               have to do with
 
               
               the pants? Doesn't that bother you?

               
                             DONNA
               (Increasingly annoyed) That's the idea. 
               That's what's clever about
 
               
               it, that they're not talking about the pants.

               
                             JERRY
               But they're talking about nothing.
 
               
               
                             DONNA
               That's the point.

               
                             JERRY
               I know the point.

               
                             DONNA
               No one is telling you to like it.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, all those quick shots of the 
               pants, just pants, pants,
 
               
               pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?
 
               
               
               (Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry, looks at watch)

               
               
               
                             JERRY MONOLOGUE
               
               
               What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each 
               other
 
               
               through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms 
               of the future,
 
               
               you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the 
               guy'll be like
 
               
               'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven 
               eyebrows for the
 
               
               rest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy, 
               thinking 'What
 
               
               is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this 
               for the rest of my
 
               
               life?'

               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, 
               but can I go out with
 
               
               someone who actually likes this commercial?

               
                             ELAINE
               I once broke up with a guy because he 
               didn't keep his bathroom clean
 
               
               enough.

               
                             JERRY
               No kidding. Did you tell him that was 
               the reason?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You 
               would not have believed his
 
               
                             TUB
               germs were building a town in there 
               - they were constructing offices.
 
               
               
               Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.

               
               (George enters, looking miserable, holding a brown paper bag)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
               (George produces Pepto-Bismol bottle and box of bicarb from bag, 
               places
 
               
               them on counter)

               
                             JERRY
               You're still thinking about this?

               
                             GEORGE
               (While preparing bicarb) She invites 
               me up at twelve o clock at
 
               
               night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't 
               want coffee, it
 
               
               keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to 
               her. People
 
               
               this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what 
               she must think
 
               
               of me.

               
                             JERRY
               She thinks you're a guy that doesn't 
               like coffee.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, 
               coffee is sex.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe coffee was coffee.

               
                             GEORGE
               Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's 
               not coffee at twelve o clock at
 
               
               night.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well some people drink coffee that late.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're 
               on twenty-four hour missile
 
               
               
               kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing 
               great."
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's all in your head. All she knows 
               is she had a good time. I
 
               
               think you should call her.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't call her now, it's too soon. 
               I'm planning a Wednesday call.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, why? I love it when guys call me 
               the next day.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Of course you do, but you're imagining 
               a guy you like, not a guy who
 
               
               goes (in stupid voice) "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night." 
               If I call
 
               
               her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy.

               
               Women don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy - a colonel, 
               a
 
               
               kaiser, a tsar.

               
                             ELAINE
               All she'll think is that you like her.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, she wants me to like her, if she 
               likes me, but she doesn't like
 
               
               me!

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know what your parents did to 
               you.
 
               
               (Kramer enters, points at Jerry)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I just thought of a really funny 
               thing for your act. Alright,
 
               
               you're up there, you're on the stage and you go "Hey, you ever 
               notice how cars
 
               
               here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances 
               anymore.
 
               
               Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well, 
               sorry buddy,
 
               
               you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes 
               and sauages
 
               
               for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" So you 
               gonna use it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't think so.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's funny.

               
                             ELAINE
               It is funny.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's as good as anything you do.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, I gotta make a call. Everybody 
               out, come on.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why do we have to leave?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because I can't call a woman with other 
               people in the room. Come
 
               
               on, let's go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, see, this is the problem.

               
                             JERRY
               You're kicking me out of my house?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Don't forget.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh Jerry, do you have any apples?

               
                             JERRY
               Don't do the apples. That's enough already 
               with the apples.
 
               
               (Elaine, Kramer and Jerry leave. George removes jacket, dials 
               phone)
 
               
                             PHONE
               Hi, it's Carol, I 'll get back to you. 
               (Beep)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Uhm, hi, it's George, George Costanza, 
               remember me? The guy that
 
               
               didn't come up for coffee.

               
               You see, I didn't realise that coffee didn't really mean ... 
               well,
 
               
               whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was, erm, it was fun, so, oh 
               boy, uhm, so,
 
               
               you call me back. If you want, it's up to you, you know, whatever 
               you wanna do.
 
               
               Either way. The ball's in your court. So, er, take it easy.
 
               
               
               (Hangs up. Jerry enters)

               
                             JERRY
               I'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet 
               you downstairs. What's the
 
               
               matter, did you call?

               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               Got her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead 
               man. That's it. I'm dead,
 
               
               I'm a dead man. Dead man.

               
                             JERRY
               What did you say?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know what the hell I said. I 
               gave her an ultimatum and
 
               
               there's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is 
               blinking right
 
               
                             NOW
               'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, 
               the idiot's on!'
 
               
                             JERRY
               After one date you try and improvise 
               on her machine?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Now I'm in the worst position of all.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Y'know, my brother-in-law once left 
               a message on this guy's machine,
 
               
               and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed 
               to, and it would
 
               
               have cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house and 
               when the guy
 
               
               came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               He did that?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Somebody did that?

               
                             JERRY
               She'll call you back. You're overreacting.
 
               
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Not once.

               
                             DONNA
               Never?

               
                             JERRY
               I have never seen one episode of 'I 
               Love Lucy' in my life ever.
 
               
                             DONNA
               That's amazing.

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you.

               
                             DONNA
               Is there anything else about you I should 
               know?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.

               
                             DONNA
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               I have no patience for lactose. And 
               I won't stand for it. Uhm,
 
               
               I'll be right back. (Goes to bathroom)

               
               (George enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait till you hear this (sees Donna). 
               Whoa, ah, I'm sorry, I
 
               
               didn't, I had no idea. (Goes to leave)

               
                             DONNA
               Wait, wait. He's in the bathroom.

               
                             GEORGE
               I just wanted to talk to him for a minute, 
               but I'll come back.
 
               
                             DONNA
               You don't have to leave.

               
                             GEORGE
               You sure?

               
                             DONNA
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               OK.

               
                             DONNA
               I'm Donna.

               
                             GEORGE
               Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes 
               that commercial!
 
               
                             DONNA
               He told you about that.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, he, he didn't actually tell me that, 
               uh, we were talking about
 
               
               that commercial, in fact I think I brought it up because I like 
               that commercial.
 
               
               No, he, he would never tell me anything like that. He never discusses 
               anything.
 
               
               He's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him.. 
               (Jerry re-
 
               
               enters)

               
                             DONNA
               (To Jerry) So you go around telling 
               your friends I'm not hip
 
               
               because I like that commercial.

               
                             JERRY
               What? (To George) What did, what did 
               you say?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Say? What? Nothing, I..

               
                             DONNA
               You told him how I like the commercial.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, so what if I said that?

               
                             DONNA
               Well, so, you didn't have to tell your 
               friends.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I had to tell my friends, my friends 
               didn't have to tell you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Donna) Why did you have to get me 
               in trouble?
 
               
                             DONNA
               I don't like you talking about me with 
               your friends behind my back.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Boy oh boy.

               
                             JERRY
               I said I couldn't believe you liked 
               that commercial. So what?
 
               
                             DONNA
               I asked some friends of mine this week, 
               and all of them liked the
 
               
               commercial.

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin 
               round table there.
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
               K Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Kramer, this is Donna.

               
               k Oh. Cotton Dockers!

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello! Alright, we should be going. 
               Come on .(Grabs Kramer)
 
               
               k What? Where are we going?

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on!

               
                             DONNA
               Don't bother, I'm leaving.

               
                             JERRY
               Donna, really, you're making too much 
               of this.
 
               
               K One hundred percent Cotton Dockers, if they're not Dockers, 
               they're just
 
               
               pants!

               
                             JERRY
               Please, Donna.

               
                             DONNA
               I don't wanna hear it.(Leaves)

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe I said that. You know 
               me, I'm a vault.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't worry about it, it wasn't working 
               anyway.
 
               
               k What happened there?

               
                             JERRY
               I'll tell you later.

               
                             GEORGE
               You are not gonna believe what's going 
               on with this woman.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               OK, so you remember I made the initial 
               call Sunday, she doesn't call
 
               
               back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, 
               I get the
 
               
                             MACHINE AGAIN
               "I know you're there, I don't know what 
               your story is."
 
               
               Yesterday, I'm a volcano - I try one more call, the machine comes 
               on, and fly
 
               
               like Mussolini from the balcony- "Where the hell do you get the 
               nerve? You
 
               
               invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four 
               days? I don't
 
               
               like coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more 
               shot at the
 
               
               coffee just so I could spit it in your face."

               
                             JERRY
               You said that?

               
                             GEORGE
               I lost it.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't blame you. I can't believe she 
               never called you back.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She did. Today.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               She called my office. She said she's 
               been in the Hamptons since
 
               
               Sunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with 
               her. Her machine
 
               
               broke, and she's been using her old machine and she doesn't have 
               the beeper for
 
               
               it.

               
                             JERRY
               So she didn't get the messages.

               
                             GEORGE
               Exactly, but they're on there waiting. 
               She said she can't wait to
 
               
               see me, we're having dinner tonight. She's supposed to call me 
               as soon as she
 
               
               gets home.

               
                             JERRY
               But what about the messages?

               
               (George produces cassette tape from pocket)

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine's thing? How you gonna get in?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll meet her outside the building.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               But you know as soon as she gets in 
               the apartment she's going right
 
               
               for that machine.

               
                             GEORGE
               Or she goes for the bathroom. That's 
               my only chance. Who am I
 
               
               kidding? I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't even know 
               how to work those
 
               
               stupid machines.

               
                             JERRY
               There's nothing to it. You lift the 
               lid, it comes right out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You do it for me.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on, it'll be so much easier.

               
                             JERRY
               How you gonna get me up there?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm 
               giving you a ride uptown.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And who makes the switch?

               
                             GEORGE
               You do.

               
                             JERRY
               I do.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't do it. I'll, I'll keep her busy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I can't get involved in this.

               
                             GEORGE
               I think I may be in love with this woman.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What if she sees me?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, you are such a wuss.

               
                             JERRY
               A wuss?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you call me a wuss?

               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well there is traffic. It might take 
               her till eight-fifteen.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I got one problem: you're keeping her 
               busy in the other room. Now,
 
               
               what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You 
               have to signal me
 
               
               that she's coming.

               
                             GEORGE
               A signal, right, erm, OK, er OK, the 
               signal is, I'll call out 'Tippy
 
               
               toe!'

               
                             JERRY
               'Tippy Toe?' I don't think so.

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't like 'Tippy toe?'

               
                             JERRY
               No 'Tippy toe.'

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, er, OK I got it, erm, I'll 
               sing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What song?

               
                             GEORGE
               Erm, 'How do you solve a problem like 
               Maria?'
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, it's a lovely song. (Sings) How 
               do you solve a problem like
 
               
               Maria?

               
                             JERRY
               Anything else?

               
                             GEORGE
               You pick it.

               
                             JERRY
               'Lemon Tree'

               
                             GEORGE
               Peter, Paul and Mary.

               
                             JERRY
               No, Trini Lopez.

               
                             BOTH
               (Singing) Lemon tree very pretty and 
               a lemon flower
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You got the tape?

               
                             JERRY
               (Produces tapes) Standard. Micro.

               
                             GEORGE
               How do you feel? Confident?

               
                             JERRY
               Feel good.

               
                             GEORGE
               You nervous?

               
                             JERRY
               Not at all.

               
                             GEORGE
               Get up, get up, it's her. Oh, the hell 
               with this, I'm scared to
 
               
               death, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go!

               
               (Carol arrives)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! What are you doing here? I thought 
               I was supposed to call you
 
               
               when I got home.

               
                             GEORGE
               I, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious 
               to see you.
 
               
                             CAROL
               Oh, that's so sweet.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. 
               I just bumped into him
 
               
               around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing 
               is, I see him all
 
               
               the time.

               
                             JERRY
               All the time.

               
                             CAROL
               It's nice to meet you.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             CAROL
               So, I'm starving. Where are we gonna 
               eat?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, we could go uptown, and that 
               way we could give Jerry a
 
               
               ride home.

               
                             CAROL
               OK. Let's go, I'm ready, where'd you 
               park?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Don't you wanna go upstairs first?
 
               
               
                             CAROL
               No, what for? I'll just give my bag 
               to the doorman.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, I really need to use the bathroom.
 
               
               
                             CAROL
               Oh well there's a bathroom in the coffee 
               shop just next door.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, yes, but er, I have to make a call, 
               so...
 
               
                             CAROL
               Well they have a phone.

               
               (George takes Carol to one side)

               
                             GEORGE
               I know Jerry. He has this phobia about 
               public toilets. I think we
 
               
               really should go upstairs.

               
                             CAROL
               (Aloud) You know, I think I will go 
               upstairs. I can check my
 
               
               machine.

               
                             GEORGE
               Right, right.

               
               (They enter building)

               
               
               
               
                             CAROL
               The bathroom's on the hall to the right.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Er, you know, why don't you go first, 
               you just had a long trip.
 
               
                             CAROL
               No, I'm fine.

               
                             JERRY
               Uhmmm, you know, it's the damnedest 
               thing, it went away.
 
               
                             CAROL
               Oh that's weird.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no that can happen. I've, er, I've 
               read about that in medical
 
               
               journals. It's a freak thing, but...

               
                             CAROL
               Well, let me just check my messages, 
               and we'll go.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? 
               Right now.
 
               
                             CAROL
               Sure.

               
                             GEORGE
               Please, this is very, very important. 
               (Leads her to other room)
 
               
               (Jerry goes over to machine to switch tape)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Shouts from other room) Uhh, tippy 
               toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree!
 
               
               (Carol reappears followed by George)

               
                             CAROL
               (To Jerry) Now I know who you are. You're 
               a comedian. I've seen
 
               
               you, it's driving me crazy.

               
                             JERRY
               Right. I am.

               
                             GEORGE
               Carol, that's so rude. Please, I'm serious, 
               just for a moment, if
 
               
               you wouldn't mind, and then we'll talk to Jerry.

               
               (George leads Carol back out, Jerry switches tapes)

               
                             JERRY
               (Shouts) Hey you two. I'm ready to go.
 
               
               
               (George and Carol return)

               
                             CAROL
               That's what you had to tell me? Your 
               father wears sneakers in the
 
               
               pool?

               
                             GEORGE
               (To Jerry) Don't you find that strange?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             CAROL
               Well, I'll just check my machine and 
               we'll go. No, nothing here,
 
               
               let's go. Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today 
               my neighbour
 
               
               called me and played my messages to me over the phone.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, uhhh...

               
                             CAROL
               Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking 
               up. I just love jokes
 
               
               like that.

               
               (All three leave)

               
               
               
               
               I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish 
               if I saw
 
               
               somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse 
               me, I'm not
 
               
               in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk 
               away." I also
 
               
               have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because 
               you can't slam
 
               
               down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone 
               - "You can't
 
               
               talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody 
               on a cordless
 
               
               phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" (Mimes fiddly button-pressing) 
               "I
 
               
               told him!"

               
               
               
                                 THE END





The Phone Message



Writers :   Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy